Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the robbers with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes old and new. With us to that, you and Phil

Blue. So meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Oh, my.

Oh, dearie me.

You are looking at the most frightened man in all India.

No, I'm telling a lie. I am not in India. I am over India, which is down

And this does not bear to be talked about.

Now, this wizard kite is belonging to the Americans who are helping us British

to win the war.

These Americans are very generous and important people. And they have sent us

planes like this, some men, and also Errol Flynn.

They are not always telling truth. Oh, blimey, no.

They are calling this flying fortress.

My friends, I have seen many fortresses. And they have walls of stone, like

this. But this fortress has walls of tin.

No thicker than the sides of the charron of the charwalla.

And it is in this chatty that we, Royal Artillery Concert Party, are flying

under sealed orders on special mission, which is top secret. So I will tell only

you.

We are going to do top hole show for RAF filling station in Jwani, which is in

Balochistan, which is on the back end of beyond and then south.

So shh, do not tell a soul.

Men are in good hearts, Ashford?

Absolutely first class, sir.

Soldiers enjoy being moved about, you know.

Don't you agree, Sergeant Major?

Proper soldiers might, sir.

What this lot enjoys is past my comprehension.

To ask me all they enjoys is bashing their charpoys and trancing her out like

shower of puffs.

Let us check to what is you doing with that water bottle.

Having a little sip of water, Sergeant Major.

I wish you'd stop doing that. My nerves won't stand it.

Oh, this is nothing, Gloria.

I did a couple of trips with a heron boat.

And there, the boats stand right in their tail.

You can't hang on.

You need both hands free to cut the fish.

I can just go a couple of kippers now.

I can't go on. I try to be creative and artistic, and I'm handing an author of a

pedant.

He's doing it deliberately.

No, I just want to stab them bums in the back.

You really are a mean man, man.

I like to be mean.

I'd fall for General Stilwell.

I'd bomb Rangoon.

And I'd start to fly down his hurricane.

But this is the first time I've ever thrown a bunch of limey fairies.

Just watch me give them a ride.

Hey, Costa, Jake.

Ashford, go and have a word with the pilot. Yes, sir.

Wouldn't it be better coming from you, sir? No, that would make it too

Well, how about the Sergeant Major?

He'd be ideal. Tell him.

Well, Major, the Colonel would like you to tell this pilot to stop jiggling the

airplane.

Beg your pardon, sir, I don't really want to complain.

How about passing the buck to the bombardier?

Oh, go passing the... Shut up!

I've only asked you to stick your university nose in, Mr. Lardy -Largon of

Graham.

Bombardier.

Keep this haircloth on a heathen, bloody two.

You just leave it to me.

Well, hurry up, then. Move yourself, move yourself.

Excuse

me,

but the colonel said, would you mind not driving this thing as if it were a

novelty ride at the fun fair?

There. I told him, you won't do that anymore.

Oh, hello, Charlie Fox Sable. You are clear to make approach to Giovanni.

Hello, Control.

Roger. What kind of wind do you have?

Over.

Charlie Fox Sable.

Please, I have no wind at all.

We're right on the nose.

We should be landing in about eight minutes.

Great. As soon as we dump this bunch of limey fairies, the happier I'll be.

And we take off to Nooski. We've got to pick them up again this evening.

Maybe we can switch flights.

Now. Gather round, chaps. You heard what the commanding officer said. Gather

round. Gather round.

Now, what I have to tell you is absolutely top secret, and I know I

go outside this aeroplane.

In a few minutes, we will be landing at... Giovanni Colonel's house.

This is a lonely airship. There are just 25 chaps manning it, and they've been

there for three years, with absolutely nothing to relieve the monotony.

No shows, no radio, not even any women.

Do you know how they camp? It wasn't exactly the Folly Bajers.

Shut up.

Hey, Buster.

Buster, wake up, God damn it, I'm landing.

Huh? Oh, you're allowed?

Oh, no.

Oh, oh, ha, ha, funny.

Here they are.

Thank God they've come. At last our chaps can get some real entertainment.

Oh, just think.

Stuck here for all those years. No girls, no films, no radio, and the cabin

the spring of the gramophone had to break. Ah, no, no, that.

My chaps still haven't given up.

I'm glad you took

my advice and didn't tell the men. I really do think it would have been too

for them. Ah, well, well, you are the doctor.

Can I tell them now?

Yes, yes, all right, but...

Do it gently. Now,

listen, chaps.

No, don't get up.

We don't go in for a ball in the raft.

Now, you hear that plane?

Do you know what's on it?

It is a show of real, live people.

And they've come here to perform just for us.

What about that, eh?

But we didn't break, did we?

We were staunch.

We were a tight ship.

I mean, we didn't lose our grip on ourselves, no.

No, it's all right.

We've come through.

We've come through.

We've come through.

Please stand.

Oh, well, I'd better go and meet them then.

Do you think I should do the talking, sir? Just at first.

Oh, thanks, Basil.

Come along, Arty.

Come on, lads. All together.

No. I'll bang me leg. There'll be a bruise.

My act'll be ruined, ruined.

Whoever had a better grave will be bruised on their sins.

Right, the new vein's broken. We'd better sort ourselves out and disembark.

Help! Help!

Where's our voice coming from?

It's lofty, Sir Major.

the wheat and lead, Bob.

Ah, now remember what I told you?

They've been here a long time, so be very nice to them.

You go first, Asher. Very good, sir.

Hello. I'm Asher.

Welcome to Juwami.

We're the Royal Artillery Concert Party. Yes, we know. We've been expecting you.

Are you an acrobat?

Excuse me. I must just go back and have a word with the colonel.

What's happening, Alfred?

It worries.

Between you and me, I think that damn Yankee pilot has landed us the wrong way

up.

Well, I'll begin to despair of you sometime.

Reynolds Royal Artillery here. Do you wish to inspect the man?

Yes, if you like.

I'm only a doctor.

Don't let that worry you. I'm only a solicitor.

coming inside to inspect the site.

All right, get that in.

Stop! Hey!

Ow!

It's the genie of the lamp.

Shut up!

Boy, that's a reconciliatory party ready for inspection, sir.

Ah, yes.

Yes, very smart.

Yes, well, the men you meet here are a pretty funny lot, too.

They've been here rather a long time.

Keep it still, sir.

Treat them gently.

Humour them, in fact. And if you have any trouble, do come to me, won't you?

see, because just at the moment, I'm about the only person left who isn't

Steady, Parkin.

It's the CEO.

Well, we're all raring to go, aren't we, chaps?

Good.

Good, yes, well, the lads have made a sort of stage thing, so I expect you

to get cracking.

Oh, good idea. Carry on, Ashford. Very good, sir. Carry on, Sergeant Major.

Go on.

Here, Bobadilla.

Yes? Do you mind if the Empire State Building goes stage right instead of

left? Why don't you leave it stage left like I told you?

Because stage left, there's two scorpions.

They're having a cuddle.

Scorpion ugly, but jolly sexy.

Why don't you kick them out of the way?

Because they might get close.

Walk it up quite right up.

Everything in India gets cracked if you kick it when it is having cuddle.

Oh, you lot, you're a theft!

Hey, Randy, come round here. Give me a hand. All right, now, what I want you to

do... Take the wrapping off there. All right.

Here. Now.

Bring it forward there.

So the customer can see.

Here. Oh, glorious art.

How beautiful you are.

Sometimes I think you make better ladies than gentlemen.

Thank you, Randy.

Very sweet of you.

Will you stop staring at my nipples?

I've not even done my lashes.

Oh, Randy, get my dresses and bring them across.

You get up.

That's a girl.

Hello. You looking forward to the show?

That's a girl.

Yes, well, it's a rather special brand, actually.

That's a girl.

eyelashes. Right.

Carry on.

Pay attention.

The plane will be back for us just before 1800 hours, so Bombardier do not

it a long show.

You can rely on me, Sergeant Major.

The only thing I can rely on you for, Bombardier, is to ponce about.

Like a rheumatic -y old tart.

I see, Sergeant Major.

There's some pretty extraordinary characters on this station.

One of them just pinched Bombardier Beaumont's picture and ran off with it.

He ran off with my picture?

That's after he kissed it.

Poor bewildered boy.

Okay,

chaps, Captain Ashford and I have just come to say jolly good luck for the

Yes, jolly good luck for the show, chaps.

Now, the F -Type show, looking forward to it very much.

Glad you're here.

There's been a rather ugly development. We didn't know you had a girl with you.

You told Deli not to send a girl, so why did you bring one?

It's irresponsible.

That's what it is.

Darned irresponsible.

We haven't got a girl. What do you call this, then?

I'm sorry it's been a bit of a mess, but I had to prise it out of the chap's

hand with a tiling.

We've got a girl.

Isn't it?

By Jove, we have been here a long time.

one of our soldiers who now then masquerades as a girl.

I'd say he's jolly good at it.

Thank you very much, sir.

Pretty is no good when he masquerades as a soldier.

I don't see that it makes any difference, sir. I mean, the way the men

the moment, it could trigger off a most violent reaction.

We could take care of a few catcalls, can't we? Oh, certainly, sir. I mean,

Lofty sings to the Indians, they always throw chipatis.

It's much more serious than that, I can assure you.

The only female contact my chaps have had in the last three years is a record

Gracie Fields singing the biggest Astra distra in the world.

That's mine. Why did you steal it from me? You're cruel, cruel, cruel.

Basil, he shouldn't speak to me like that.

He's not usually rude, sir.

Give it up.

What do you want, Bearer? Pardon me, sir. One of the brilliant green boys has

left this bucket of flowers for Gloria.

It is written on this note, sir.

Give that here. The note is for Bombardier, sir. The portrait's probably

bonkers.

Gloria, I saw your photograph and could not believe it.

Sounds rather sane to me.

I am a single man, and my intentions are honourable, but I will give a month's

pay for five minutes alone with you.

Where are you going with that, Charwalla?

It is a photo for Mr. Gloria, sir.

Give it here.

On the back is the most beautiful poem.

Your face is fair, my heart is full.

You are the bird I want to pull.

He always did have a way with words.

I'd go through hell, I'd wander far to get my hand inside you.

and tell your men that Gloria is a bombardier. Well, they wouldn't believe

They never do believe the officers.

Well, you have to do it then, Sergeant Major. Somehow or other, we've got to

make them believe that Gloria is a bombardier.

I did hard to believe myself, sir.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major, sir.

Before you are talking to the men with your wonderful loud mouth...

Gotta, Graham, sir, to play the beautiful, soothing music, so to pour

all over their troubled waters, isn't it?

That's quite a good wheeze. Carry on, Graham.

Oh, oh, look, sir.

Oh,

dearie, what's happening?

Huh? I think they make the hole so as to play the pee -pee tummy.

They deprive. That's what they are, deprived.

Don't you worry, sir.

make him pull his finger out.

Before

we start,

I want to get one thing understood.

Some of you is under the misappropriation that we as a real live

I say, Sergeant Major.

I give you my word, they is all men.

We want Gloria!

We want Gloria!

We want Gloria!

Listen to that. They're shouting, we want Gloria.

My public are clamoring for me.

The men don't believe him, sir. They think he wants the girl for himself.

Well, this is damn serious, Colonel Reynolds.

Oh, look!

There's an eye looking at me.

Huh? Is he that peepy dummy again?

I'll fix him. I'll blow this powder in his eye.

We want lawyer!

We want lawyer!

We want lawyer!

We want lawyer!

We want lawyer!

We want lawyer!

Backside into that audience or I will skin you!

just as I'd taken the first peep.

A mucky little

animal was peeping at Gloria, so I played a funny trick on him.

responsible. I've only got one nursing orderly, and I doubt if I can protect

from him.

Start without him.

Surely there's some way we can convince him he's not a girl.

Excuse me, Colonel Saab, but I have what a wizard we is.

Gloria Saab must do the stripping and the teasing.

Do the show without him.

Do the show without me?

I am the show.

I mean, the rest of them are a bunch of amateurs.

Oh, my dear.

If your commanding officer says the show will be done without you, that is how

the show will be done!

It'll be disastrous.

I mean, Lofty will have to do every other number.

I mean, the whole show will be a... travesty.

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

She was not going to do it.

Seems logical in a funny sort of way.

We're doing the dames. Randy.

We're doing the dames number.

We want Gloria.

We want Gloria. We want Gloria.

We want Gloria.

We want Gloria.

We want Gloria.

We want Gloria.

He wrote some villainous frames.

But who cares if there's a plot or not when you've got a...

The RAF always was a bit slack about discipline.

May God save the king. To me.

There's the plane.

What do we do, sir?

Carry out a plan for withdrawing.

I'm chasing them.

Thank you.

Thank you.