Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thong and catches and jokes old and new. With us to butt, you and Bill

Blue. So meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Oh, my goodness, what's going down?

The cancer party are in very big trouble.

Sergeant Major Shutterthorpe has told Colonel Tharpe that they are all pale,

weak, and flabby.

And Colonel Tharpe has given him permission to build them up and give

big muscles.

But Bombardier Gloria Tharpe has told Sergeant Major Tharpe that if he has the

big muscles, it will not look right when he wears the Rita Hayworth dress in

this show.

in the concert party today.

Where are they? Oh, they are all after Sergeant Major Saab. And he is giving

them plenty of P .T. Oh, he cannot give them P .T. I am the official chawala,

and I am the only one who is allowed to sell tea.

You are a fool.

P .T. is not for drinking.

It is to make you big and strong.

Oh, blimey. Look, go.

Go, go, go.

So long, Colonel Mentharp. Where can I find Colonel Reynolds? In battery

Colonel Mentharp. You're a sloppy man. Pull yourself together.

That belt on your turban's crooked. Go on, straighten it up.

Colonel Mentharp, I always wear it in the... Silence!

In the future, you're going to wear it like this.

That's better.

Colonel Reynolds?

There, sir.

What can I do for you, Colonel... Not Colonel, Colonel.

In the ATS, the rank of Lieutenant Colonel is known as Chief Commander.

I'm Chief Commander Cripple. Well, we were actually expecting you. Won't you

down, Chief? Oh, thank you so much. Astrid, get her a chair for the Chief.

There you are, Chief.

Your quarter's quite comfortable, Chief.

Oh, yes, yes, indeed. My gals are settling in nicely.

As you know, we're in transit and we shall only be here for three days.

So I've issued instructions to my gals for the remainder of our stay here.

The men's quarters will be strictly out of bounds to all ranks.

Well, we don't want any of that sort of thing, do we? No, no, we don't want any

of that sort of thing, do we, Ashford?

No, sir, we certainly don't want any of that sort of thing.

Uh, what sort of thing?

I'm going to make you fit if it's the last thing I do.

Out and let's destroy Corvus! And two, and two, and two.

There's actually nothing to worry about as far as my men are concerned.

The Sergeant Major's putting them through an intensive course of physical

training. Blended.

There's nothing like it for keeping their minds off lewd thoughts.

away from my girls.

I've got quite enough to worry about with the normal men.

One thing, I should need all the papers for your girls.

I need to get them stamped and all that sort of thing. I'd bring them over first

thing in the morning.

Good day, Colonel.

Good day, Chief.

That's right.

Keep it up.

Morning, Paul.

Mom, do you hear what she called you?

Hexler. Clawed in.

Hairy.

Well, that is the understatement of all time, don't I?

Yes, Sergeant Minister. Inside my box you will find a set of boxing gloves.

Go and get them.

Yes, Sergeant Minister.

Right. Let's see how you get on with some pressure. Space Star was on the

move.

Grab hold of each end of this. You will assist him.

Shut up.

Is you ready?

Down.

What's the matter with you?

My car is too heavy.

I will toughen you lot up if it is the last thing I do.

Get properly fell in.

Put it down.

Right.

Now, I is going to teach you the noble heart.

of self -defense.

Get these gloves on.

I think I ought to point out that I don't approve of boxing, Sergeant Major.

Why don't you approve of boxing, Sergeant Major?

Let me tell you, Gunner Graham, you is going to box whether you like it or not.

But scientists have proved that even a light blow to the head can cause the

brain to vibrate inside the skull.

Well, you've got nothing to worry about.

With all your university education and learning, Your brain is so enormous,

got no room to vibrate.

In fact, it is rubbing against the inside of your skull so hard, it has

all your air out.

On the other hand,

Gunner Sugden's brain is so small, it will vibrate inside his head like a bell

clapper.

Right.

Now, the first thing you've got to remember is to lead with the left.

Yes. Go on, try it.

Remove their glasses.

Now, I'm going to give you an opportunity to have a go at your

All right.

Come on in.

Try and hit me.

Come on. What are you afraid of?

Get out on

purpose, do you? It does to hit you, Sergeant Major.

When I says, start, you start.

When I says, stop, you run around to the end of the line. All right?

Start. Come on, stop.

Stop! Stop!

Stop! Come on.

How are you, lovely boy?

What will you have done, bruv?

Mmm.

Bash a grail.

I can't really see you without my glasses, Sergeant Major.

Oh, dear.

Oh, sad. Never mind.

Here I am.

Start.

Right,

Sutton.

Start still.

I'll give you permission to hit me as hard as you can.

I'm not very good unless I get cross.

You is a short -bottomed little runt.

I don't know me own strength.

There is something about this soldier.

Something about this soldier. Oh, shut up. Do not pack a punch. I've got a

bruise coming up. I can't go on like this. I'm an artiste.

I'm no use to that sort of thing.

He's getting physical. Next thing you know, he'll be having us flogged. Yeah,

but he never even gives us a chance to hit him back. Look, he can bend the

any way he likes.

Well, I've had enough.

My nerves won't stand anymore.

I've reached breaking point.

Oh, God, is there no way out of this hell?

Why don't we go work our tickets and get back home?

We've tried everything. It's never worked.

Yes, that's because we've always dissipated our effort. We should follow

example of the trade unions and work together.

After all... you can break one stick across your knee very easily. But you'd

never be able to break a whole bundle like that.

You could if you had a saw.

What they say is quite right there, sir. Many years ago, us bearers went on

strike for higher wages and farmed trade unions.

Then, sir, we had a meeting with Chief Contractor Tharp and we told him that we

were going to stick together like the bundle of sticks.

And, sir, we even showed him those sticks.

And what did he do?

Sir, he took those sticks... And he beat the bloody hell out of us.

In those prisoner of war films, they form an escape committee and then draw

to choose which one's going to escape.

Then all the others, they help him.

Well, why don't we form a work your ticket committee?

That's a very good suggestion, Parky.

I can do it when I try.

Just because I'm good looking don't mean I'm stupid.

Right, right. Right, we'll draw lots.

Agreed? Yes.

Yes!

Oh, blimey, I have won. I'm going home to Blighty.

Put it back, you bird. You live here.

I was forgetting.

Three. That's no good.

Your turn, Gloria.

The queen. The queen. I'll pick the queen.

Fairly appropriate.

You're only jealous because I won.

Hey,

Gloria.

Hugo, what's going to happen to the concert party?

There'll be nobody here to produce the shows. Well, that's simple. I'll take

over. We'll just shift the emphasis and do a better class of show.

Poetry readings and piano recitals.

That means I can do something I've always wanted to do. Paint a big naked

on my belly, eh? And when I do that... She dances.

It's very high class.

That is right, sir. You can do the Hindu dancing.

It is artistic, romantic and almost totally obscene.

Come on, fellas. What ideas have you got for getting me home? Well, it's not

going to be easy.

Hey, listen, fellas. When I was working in the battery office, I saw this

document which listed the reasons for granting men their discharge.

What were they?

Well, it was some time ago now. I know one was for a stomach ulcer.

That's possible.

Or a pot suey.

What's a pot suey?

It's short for potential suicide.

It means you go around trying to kill yourself all the time.

Well, I could try that.

Well, better luck you might succeed.

Was there anything else?

Well, yeah.

Temperamentally unsuited for army life.

Well, what does that mean?

Well, it means you're like that.

Like what?

Like that.

What happens if you're like that and like that?

You don't get in in the first place.

Sergeant Major Shutup said when I asked him, in fact, he said it was like you,

Gloria.

Sheik, I'm not like that.

I mean, I may stand like that.

But I'm not like that.

Hey,

you could pretend to be like that.

Oh, yeah, I could pretend to be like that.

I wouldn't mind being like that if I could go home to Blighty. It's a small

price to pay.

There you are, Gloria. From now on, you're temperamentally unfuted for army

life. The sergeant major thinks you're like that, so you're halfway there

already. All you've got to do is to convince everyone that you've finally

flipped your lid, and we'll back you up.

Don't you worry, sir. If all else fails, we will help you to commit your

suicide.

Mohamed? I cannot understand why Gloria Saab wants to leave this wonderful

British army.

It is a great puzzlement, Rangi. What bigger jahi can there be than to be in

British army, huh?

Three whole meals in one day.

Be comfortable charpoet to sleep on in nice basha. On top of all that, 35

rupees in every week.

That is a vast fortune.

Just think of it, Mohammed.

Three whole British pounds.

In every week.

Even a Maharaja does not have such wealth. And so, in order to leave this

paradise, Gloria Saab is going to pretend that he is like that.

What? He's going to pretend that he's a fly swatter?

You ruddy fool.

Doing like that is not for swatting the fly.

Say, Ulu.

Ranji ka matlab hai ke Gloria sahab hinge rahe hain. Yani ke AC, DC.

Don't be such clever dicky.

It's hard to believe you're really a man.

You know me, fellas. When I act a part, I throw myself into it, body and soul.

What the hell are you playing at, child? What I?

I'm filling teas up.

Shut up!

How many times have I told you you will not sell tea? What I is take a parade.

Now get that dirty, filthy child.

rehearsing when I says get on parade, you will come on parade in uniform.

I'm in uniform.

You were supposed to be a bombardier in the Royal Artillery.

I'm a bombardier in the Royal Artillery.

Then why is you dressed as a tart?

As a member of the ATS, I resent that.

It's partly what you rough soldiers may think. We are ladies.

And if you call me a tart again, I shall report you to Madam, my superior

officer.

What is the third matter?

As to report, we's in a bit of trouble by here, sir.

Something which I has feared for a long time has finally come to pass.

Now, what's that?

Look out of the window, sir.

What's that attractive -looking ATS girl?

She's an absolute corker, sir.

Hands off, Ashford. I saw her first.

I saw you to shatter your delusion, sir.

But that is Bombardier Bowman, and I think he has finally turned.

Good heavens!

How do you think we ought to tackle this, Sergeant Major?

Take them stripes off his arm, sir. I'm afraid in the glasshouse.

No, no. We mustn't be too hasty.

After all, he's very valuable to us running the shows.

But we can't have him doing that sort of thing, can we?

This climate does do odd things to people, sir.

Yes, I quite agree. We could be dealing with something out of the ordinary here.

Better send him in.

Come in.

Salve, get him a chair.

Now, just sit down, relax. I just want to have a little chat with you. Thank

you, sir.

Are you a spirit down in front of an officer?

I shouldn't be, but here are my rights, you know.

I mean, I don't think it's right my being in a basher with six men.

Besides, I think you'll find it's against King's regulations.

Is it against King's regulations, Father Miller?

Everything about him is against King's regulations.

Look, I don't want to cause you a lot of trouble.

I mean, I know you've got enough troubles with your own, what with trying

the war and all that.

But, um, do you think somebody could build me a bamboo cubicle around my bed?

Would you excuse me one moment, Father?

Oh, just a moment.

I'd drop one.

Perhaps we'd better wait our time on the parade ground.

We'll call you if we need you.

And could you possibly ask them if they were dismissed?

Yes.

Allow me.

We've got a tricky one here, Sergeant Maynard.

There is nothing wrong with him, sir, that doubling around the barrack square

with full kit on would not cure.

That's how they used to treat mental patients in the 17th century.

Chain them up.

flog them and throw buckets of water over them.

That might work even better, sir.

Hey, you!

What are you doing here? Oh, me?

Come here.

Come here!

How dare you talk to those men? You know as well as I do the men's lines are out

of bounds.

What's your name?

Beaumont. Corporal Beaumont.

I don't seem to recognise your face.

Oh, well, you must be one of my gals. There are no other acts around here.

And as for you men, if I catch you talking to any of my gals again in that

lascivious manner, you'll all be up on a charge.

All right, dismissed.

Floppy corporal, pull yourself together. Your things are crooked. Go on,

straighten them up.

And you've got too much lipstick on.

I'm going to charge first thing in the morning.

Let's do it.

Quick, march.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it. Let's do it.

We'll be confined here in the guard room until tomorrow when you'll be brought

up before madam first thing in the morning. It's all a mistake?

Yes, that's what they all say.

Here, get this place cleaned up.

I must say.

I can't really blame you, dear, all those wonderful men over there, but we

be strong.

Stop! Stop!

You must tell them that you are a man.

No, I don't want to. Don't you understand?

They're playing into my hand.

Stop! Pardon me, the top is over on this way now, and he is raising like water

buffalo.

That's his fault. He'll only look a fool, won't he?

Stop! You must escape. I don't want to escape.

Do it now!

Forward!

We've had enough of this nonsense.

Get this uniform on.

I've got my uniform on.

Cut up and get it on.

I will not put on men's clothes.

What do you take me for, a transvestite?

together. He wanted me to put on men's clothes.

You pervert.

It's a man, ma 'am. Any fool can see it's a man.

Just because this poor girl happens to have a plain, homely face, you insult

her.

I think I've put my arms round a man.

And a common soldier at that.

My eyes at me.

I have been through a very humiliating experience, sir.

It's your own fault, Sergeant Major.

You shouldn't have gone dashing over there like that on your own.

You yourself said, sir, that it should be handled in a very subtle way.

I hardly think tearing Beaumont's clothes off was the answer.

But all this leads me to believe that...

Vermont may actually think he's a woman.

If we let him get away with it, sir, other men may get the idea of dressing

as women to get out of the army.

Now, what if everybody does it?

Be jolly confusing for the Japanese.

Right, then, stage two, the pot suey bit. Here, give me that one at the back.

Right.

Gloria, I don't think it's necessary for you to go as far as this. Look, I'm not

taking any chances.

Now, fill that up with peppermint. Right.

And Mohammed!

Mohammed! Yes, Gloria? Right, come here, come here. Now, listen.

When I'm climbing up onto the roof, I want you to nip round the back of the

battery battery, you see, look through the back window and attract the

of the colonel. I'll shut up, right?

Right.

I still think Beaumont is having a changeau.

Well, the psychiatrists will soon find out. I've made arrangements for Beaumont

to meet him tomorrow.

Not today, thank you.

Right, fellas, help me up.

There you go.

Clear off!

Ready, Randy?

All ready, Gloria.

Free tea, sir. I'll give you free sample.

A bottle of aspirin.

I'm all confused.

looking for trouble there. Leave it to Sergeant Major. He knows what he's

Get him upside down!

They used a stomach pump.

It was terrible.

I've no idea what they did to me.

Oh, look, go away, Lofty. Leave me in peace.

I can't go away. You're a pot suey.

We've got orders to watch you day and night in case you try and kill yourself.

You mean they believe me?

It worked!

I've got my ticket. I'm going home.

How are we today?

I feel very weak.

That's not to be expected.

Right, soldier, you can go now.

But I'm supposed to watch him in case he... Don't worry.

I'll keep an eye on him.

Oh, well.

Ta -ra, then.

Ta -ra.

I seem to recognise your face.

Aren't you that clever boy that runs the concert party?

I'm sorry?

I've seen several of your shows.

I do so admire artistic men.

Do you?

The trouble is, one so rarely meets an artistic man out here.

Oh, it's all wrong.

Someone as sensitive as you shouldn't be in the army.

Well, that's why I keep on telling them.

You poor chap.

You're so confused.

Yes, I'm confused.

You look like a little boy lying there.

Would you like me to kiss you goodnight?

Are you still confused?

being granted his discharge.

He should not be allowed to get away with it, sir. Oh, these psychiatrists

what they're doing, you know.

According to the report, he's temperamentally unsuited to army life.

Poor chap doesn't know whether he's a man or woman.

Come in.

Ah, don't want.

Glad you're out of hospital.

We don't want to lose you, of course.

We're all sorry you're so confused. Must be a great worry to you.

I'm not confused anymore, sir.

I've fallen in love.

And it's the first time it's ever happened to me, sir.

I want permission to get married, please.

You mean you want to marry a man?

No, sir.

A sister.

That's worse than I thought.

You want to marry your sister?

No, sir.

A nursing sister.

You know, there's a very old Hindu proverb which says, If you want to get

ticket out of the army, there's no use going down to the railway station and

asking for half -price fare.

Remember, a wholesaler does not make a half -soldier.

The boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

Three!

It's boys to entertain you!