Original subtitles

Meet the gang, all the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way, to raving the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes old and new, with us about you and Bill

Go meet the gang, all the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Oh, my God, fathers, what a hot day it is. So dusty and dry.

We are all waiting for the monsoons to break, then we can get some rain.

Oh, it is so lovely when the rains come here in India.

All our plants and flowers begin to bloom, just like an English spring when

young lambs are born.

Our little creatures are also born.

Baby cobras, baby pythons.

Baby scorpions and baby spiders.

Oh, it is such delight.

And what could be nicer than a glass of pure water from the heavens above, huh?

Shit up straight when you are punkering.

Oh, gosh, it's hot.

Oh, it's a dutch nuisance.

I'm trying to write this letter to my wife.

The twig keeps dripping off my face and smudging the ink.

I shall have to write it all out again now.

I shouldn't bother.

Just put P .S. I'd miss you and she'll think it's tears.

It's like an oven in this office.

Punker Carell.

Not here anymore.

Good heavens.

Sir?

Guess what the thermometer's reading.

Something light.

Agatha Christie.

We've always had to make silly jokes.

That was rather rude, Ashford.

I'm terribly sorry. It's this dreadful humidity.

It's making me all nervy and on edge. Well, pull yourself together.

My word, sir.

Does you know what the thermometer is reading?

The decline and fall of the Roman Empire.

108 degrees, sir.

I hope the monsoon isn't due for another week.

Let's hope it doesn't get very much hotter.

Always a difficult time here in India, sir. I've seen men go stark raving mad.

You hear that, Ashford? You'd better watch out.

Oh, by the way, I've had this report from the M .O. The concert party's in a

way. They're all suffering from prickly heat.

That is because they will not take their salt tablets, sir. Well, you'd better

see they do.

I will see to it right away, sir.

Bernard!

Yes, sir, Major Tubb.

Shut up.

What's the concert party doing?

Oh, Tubb, they're all very sticky with the prickly heat.

state on their job, boys.

Oh, dear. How sad.

Never mind.

We must see what we can do to relieve their suffering.

Go there more, get a lot of salt out of this jelly. Bargo, bargo! I just hadn't

made it up.

Sleepy time, girl.

You're turning night into day.

Sleepy time, girl.

You dance the...

You, Sergeant Major, you see, I was asleep.

I was delirious. Shut up!

How dare you lie in bed in the middle of the day?

Well, we're sick!

Shut up!

Move it, sir!

Come on, bombardier!

Move it! Move, move, move!

Yes, Sergeant Major, come on, move it! Stop that ice!

Stop that ice!

Stop scratching!

I can't help it, Sergeant Major. This is prickly heat. Shut up!

Every order's clearly set. The British and the ranch will not scratch their

prickly heat bumps.

Leave yourself alone, bombardier, or I will make you wear boxing gloves.

Pay attention, lovely boys.

This is the oddest time of the year.

And we is not going to give in.

We is going to fight it.

has always fought the heat. And that is how the British Empire was built, with

plenty of gas.

In other odd climates,

them foreigners do not know how to fight the heat.

Every afternoon, they have what is called a fiesta.

They light a round under banana trees, with their hats over their eyes having a

kip.

Now, why do we not?

Lie around under banana trees.

Can I suck them?

Because you won't let it.

Shut up!

Because we are British, we get off our backsides and defy the sun.

Come on, let's see you do it.

When I say, defy the sun, you say, come on, son, do your worst.

Ready?

Defy the sun.

Come on, son.

That is no good.

Because his son is not afraid of a lord, of course.

Do it like men.

Make the sun tremble with fear.

Defy it.

Again, and this time, shake your fists at it.

Defy the sun!

What's going on, Sergeant Major?

Oh, I... I was just telling the men to fight the sun, sir. Oh, good show. Carry

on.

The sun isn't an anatomical entity. It's an inanimate object.

How can we possibly fight it, Sergeant Major? How can we possibly fight it,

Sergeant Major?

Well, let me tell you, Mr. Lardy, I'm going to grant the British Army can

anything, intimate or not.

Stop, Sergeant Sonskill!

Farrah! Coming, sir. Get the chahi.

I is going to make you do something which I cannot rely on you to do on your

own. And you all know what that is, don't you?

Must we do it out here on the barracks square, Sergeant Major?

After all, we're not children.

Shut up.

Get you a Pialas and hold them out.

Tell them a bearer. They is going to need a lot of party to take their salt

tablets. Now, on the command one, you will open your mouths and stick out your

tongue.

Watch it, then.

What?

It's not you, not you.

Where's that tall tablet?

Oh, yes, sir.

All right. Keep your tongue still.

Beautiful tongue, boy.

Keep your tongue still, Sutton.

Have idle tongues on parade.

Quiet.

Tans in mouths closed.

Now, I know you as crafty enough to hide them little salt tablets in your big

mouth till my back is turned and then spit them out.

So, you is going to crunch them.

Start crunching.

Turns out, I've left.

I see, sir.

Men are all sticking their tongues out at the Sergeant Major.

Orderly to put them on a charge, rinse the board in some thingy.

Do use your intelligence, Ashford.

I don't want them all stamping in here in their heavy boots. It's far too hot.

Come away and pretend you haven't seen them.

Crunch! Let me hear you crunching!

Crunch, crunch!

Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but when do you take your salt taverns? Let me tell

you, Mr. Lord, you are going to Graham. I've had more salt taverns than you've

had at dinner!

Sergeant Major's sticking his tongue out of the middle.

Actually, that's all right. He's allowed to do it to them.

And that is the way to take a salt tablet.

Sergeant Major, you didn't crunch it.

Aye, and crunching's the hardest bit.

Rubbish. I don't reckon anyone could crunch more than three without being

I'll bet the Sergeant Major could.

I'd say it was impossible to take more than three salt tablets without being

sick, Sergeant Major. That can't happen. I never knew so much class about to

take a few salt tablets all my life.

I would call you right. I'll call you.

You took two, right?

I will take six. Six?

And I will crunch them.

Vera, you will issue the salt tablets. Sergeant Major, make it up.

Start counting.

One.

Two.

Three.

Why is it that just before the monsoon, the British dig deep trenches around

their houses?

You ruddy, foolish person.

That is to keep the water out.

If they did not do that, their houses would be flooded. And we British do not

like to get our feet wet.

The Manchester cantonment, which as you know, has heaviest monsoons in whole of

England, has huge monsoon trench all around.

Not only does this.

keep the rainwater out, but it also stops the sheep from straying.

Is you listening to me, Galasagdan?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Shut up! I want this one some trench. Now, deep, deep, deep.

How long shall we keep digging, Sergeant Major?

Until it is up to your shoulders, lovely boy.

How long shall I keep digging, Sergeant Major?

Until you is out of sight.

It really is awfully hot for this kind of work, Sergeant Major.

Awfully hot for this kind of work, Sergeant Major.

Oh, my dear!

Sir! Has you been doing what I told you today?

What was that? Sergeant Major.

Fighting the sun?

Not actually fighting it.

Not today.

Right. We will do some now.

Are you ready?

Defy the sun!

Come on, son!

Do your worst! Again!

Defy the sun!

Come on, son!

Do your worst!

Let us hear you loud and clear! Get us again!

Defy the sun!

Come on, son!

Get in the shade.

Give in to the sun.

All right, son.

You win.

Help me,

please.

Thanks, Fancy.

Are you all right, Lofty?

I think it's cruel the way the Sergeant Major keeps taking the mickey out of

him. Well, I've had enough of it. He's always making remarks about my stature.

can't help being small.

I tell you, one of these days he'll drive me too far.

He has got it.

Go, boy.

The monsoon madness, sir. What's monsoon madness?

Well, sir, it is the sickiness that has afflicted British troops ever since they

came to India.

You see, sir, as the monsoon approaches, it gets hotter and hotter, and heat

presses on brain.

Permit me to tell you one story, sir.

Years ago, my father was better to a young officer who was a very bad man.

the soldiers hated him, and he was making their lives one hell of a hell.

Well, as the monsoon approached, things grew worse and worse.

Then one day, one of the soldiers got the madness, and he ran into this

officer's basher, and he shot him, stony dead.

Isn't there any cure?

Yes, sir. When the monsoon has broken, the madness will pass. But until then,

Lafty Saab will be...

...twist.

Twist. Twist.

I mean, stick.

You said twist.

You said twist. I said stick. No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

Oh, you great big butch hairy haggard.

You ought to repeat that. I can't remember what I said.

You're getting on my nerves. You're getting on my nerves. Hey, listen,

Remember what the sergeant -major said.

We mustn't let this eat get us down. Oh, look, fellas, are we playing cards or

what? Go ahead.

Let's carry on, then.

Get your money up.

Take that.

What's Lofty doing?

Enough, me.

I'm getting worried about Lofty. I think we ought to tell the M .O. He was

making very strange noises in his sleep last night.

Now what's he doing?

Don't look round. Just don't look round.

I reckon he's going to shoot himself.

Don't be silly. He hasn't got any ammunition.

no use. I thought it would get it out of my system, but it hasn't.

I still hate him.

I'm going to strangle him with my bare hands.

I'm going to squeeze the life out of him. You couldn't squeeze a lemon.

I feel as if I've got the strength of ten men.

Ten men?

Well, ten little men.

We're your friends.

Come over here and play. I hate him, I hate him.

Perhaps we ought to go after him.

Don't be silly.

How can he possibly kill the Sergeant Major?

He'll soon calm down.

Come, let's play cards.

Gloria? Yes?

I'm a bit worried.

Well, we're all worried about Lofty, aren't we?

Not Lofty, it's me.

Eh? You know in the Death of Song scene where I come on and say, Water, water,

for God's sake, give me water?

Yes. I think it should be, Water, water, for God's sake, give me water. Is that

better?

Felicity's back. Don't look round.

Are you all right, Lofty?

I feel fine, thanks.

Good. What's that you've got there?

A tin of petrol.

Anybody got a match?

There you are, sir.

Thanks very much.

On the other hand, I could say, water, water, for God's sake, give me water.

Petrol. Matches.

Felicity!

The word on fire.

You're the bombardier and you've got to do something.

Aye, Pat. You can't let things go on like this.

Just a minute. I'm thinking.

But he's such a little man.

How can he possibly kill the sergeant major?

Well, he jolly nearly succeeded last night with that petrol.

Look, he hasn't got the ammunition so they can't shoot him, right?

He can't get near enough to stab him with a knife, right?

And he hasn't got any poison.

So how else can he kill him?

The monsoon will break in a few days, and then Lofty will be all right.

In the meantime, we've just got to watch him day and night.

He said that Lafty Saab is digging a big pit.

Blimey, he's going to bury this Saab in my jail.

He's going to bury this Saab in my

jail.

Do not forsake me, oh my darling.

There isn't a glass house big enough to hold me.

You've got a touch of the sun, boy.

Now come in here in the shade.

We'll have a nice little chat.

You and me are through talking, Williams.

This is where you get yours.

Watch it.

He's going to lead him into the pit.

We've got to stop him.

Show us where he is, Bandy.

He gets up.

Fish, fish!

Baby

Tista!

placed Gunnar Sagden under close arrest, sir, and that is the old story.

Why did you all throw yourselves in front of the Sergeant Major, Bomadier?

Well, you see, sir, we were trying to protect Mr. Williams, sir, and we

quite sure what Gunnar Sagden might do to him.

In the prisoner's defense, sir, I think I can say that he is a weak, ineffectual

character.

One of normal circumstances would not say boot -way goose.

It is my opinion that the son has disarranged him, and he is a victim of

known amongst British troops here in India as monsoon madness.

I understand your concerns, Sergeant Major, but this is a very serious

insulting behaviour and threatening physical violence.

We've no proof that Gunnar Sugden is suffering from monsoon madness.

I must say, he looks perfectly sane to me.

What have you got to say for yourself, Sugden?

Sons of France surround us, break the chains that bind us...

I see.

Detain in camp hospital for medical report.

That is all, dismiss.

Lottie's in hospital, and you're the only one that knows the song.

Remember, Patrick, the show must go on.

Water, water, for God's sake, give me water.

Belt up. Well, lovely boy, you'll be gas, I'll be watching.

Five better shoulders, show them off on stage.

How's this?

Water, water, for God's sake, give me water.

Look, Nosher, just say the word.

Hop, hop, here's the bad news.

Lovely starboard escape from the hospital.

Do you think they'll come here?

I don't know.

I can't think about that now. I've got to show.

Parker, you're wrong.

You're right. You forgot to put the mountain on. Put the mountain on.

in a rift stronghold in the mountains of Morocco.

Take it away, Professor!

This fellow Parkins is a pet on Gunnarsugden. You really are getting

awfully ratty, aren't you? The sooner the monsoon breaks, the better. Give me

that night, dear boy, and let my arms in yours.

Do you remember this bit, Ashford?

Who knows that?

I don't know and I don't care.

Look, if you're going to behave like this all night, I should go and stand

somewhere else.

That's my boy.

out in the desert for three days now.

Bring him in here.

Here he is.

Oh, master.

Water, water. For God's sake, give me water.

Louder. I can't hear you. Louder. Water, water. For God's sake, give me water.

This is our brain, Ashford. Good job the sheriff's outside.

We'd all be sick.

and the rain comes pouring down, those who practice yoga by standing on their

heads are in great danger.

Therefore, the wise man will always wear a bathing cap so that when he's

standing on his head in puddles, he will not get water on the brain.

Thank you.

B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you!