Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With Tom and Chetid and Joe, Joe and you. With us about you and Bill Blues.

meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Tonight is a very special night.

Once every week, our glorious British king gives to Tommy Atkins three bottles

of holy British water known as beer.

And when British soldier boy gets beer, oh, there is such happiness.

And in the evening, they gather together for a lovely British custom which they

are calling Get Stinking.

While they are doing Get Stinking ceremony, they are singing Get Stinking

like... roll out battle, let us have other one, and roll me over, do it

please.

And this is very special, get thinking tongue, because Colonel Saab say it has

two meaning.

And when they're not singing, they are talking about blighty or talking about

sexy.

Right, well, cheers.

Cheers.

Here.

Did I ever tell you about my landlady in Barrow -in -Furness? The one that

fancied you and sat on your bed?

Yeah, that's right. Oh, it's a fairy story, is it?

The whole butch.

All right, get them chais out. Get out.

Clear off.

Why are you saying get out?

My chai's much more clean than your nerdy puggle party. Get out.

Hey, you damn native.

Do not be insulting our beautiful British pig here.

One chai too.

I tell the cook that he is Lady Monkey, and he do this.

Thanks, Randy.

Ah, well, cheers.

Cheers.

That is a terrible, terrible drink.

Here is something to make you happy.

Egg, banjo and chips. Thanks, Randy. There.

These ain't chips.

They're sweet potato chips.

They're nothing like chips, not even with vinegar.

Oh, chips, sweet potato chips, now they're soft.

No, lovely boys, do not get up.

I is not inspecting you.

Just seeing that the canteen contractors is doing their job.

Nothing is too good for you boys.

You're always fighting for your country and depraved of the immensities of

civilization.

Like good beer and women.

We've got to see who's taking care of them, we. Eat up your egg banjo, lovely

boy. Give them mussels something to bite on.

Look after them, bearer.

See that their sweet potato chips is nice and crisp.

If I had my way, dear, there'd always be...

Oh, sir. What's got into him?

Come on, Randy, give us the gem.

Oh, sir, this is secret.

So I will tell only you.

Sergeant Major Saab is in love.

Oh.

Oh.

Love? Yes, sir. Who'd fall in love with him? Beautiful Chinese girl, sir, with

face like willow -patterned plate.

You mean shiny, flat and blue?

No, Lofty, he means that her face is delicate and finely chiseled.

Hey, it's not that Chinese bit that works for Mrs. Waddle of Evans, eh? The

same one, sir.

And I think Sergeant Major Tharpe wants to take her to temple and make promise

to love and to be honourable and heaven knows what else.

Tomorrow, he's going to ask Colonel Tharpe for a wedding treaty.

If you were the only girl in the world, you will be very busy. That's it,

look. If we transfer that sum to the Army Benevolent Fund, the whole thing

look correction above board.

Then what do we do with this sum?

Buy a couple of bottles of gin and call it stock.

I see.

It's damn hot, isn't it, sir?

Punk them all up.

Jody, get that punk a thing curled.

It's getting dashed down in here.

I was

wondering,

sir, if I could have a word with you in private.

On a private matter, sir.

Yes, yes, of course.

Shall I disappear?

No, no, no, sir. It's nothing secret.

As a matter of fact, sir, I was thinking of... Well, to put it in a nutshell,

sir, I was thinking of getting married.

Ah, dear.

Have we got a form that covers that thing?

I don't think so, sir.

Well, I'd better ask you a few questions, then.

Have you been married before?

No, sir, the harm you always comfort.

Now, you realise a marriage is supposed to last for life. You're quite certain

that the attraction you feel for the lady of your choice is not just sort of,

um, physical?

What, sir?

Physical.

You mean it's like exercises?

I know.

Well, um, who is it, by the way?

She is outside now, sir, and I would be honoured if you met her. Oh, John, good

show. Bring her in, will you?

He wants to see you now. Don't be scared.

Oh, Vera, you'd better come in and translate.

I just had to make this up.

Come on, he won't hurt you.

This is her, sir.

Ling Su.

How do you do, Ling Su?

How do you do?

Awfully muggy, isn't it?

I'll get these details off to somewhere or other, and I'm sure there won't be

any snags.

Would you like to ask any questions?

Colonel Tharp will take you up. Do you have any questions?

Well, sure.

Two new.

Colonel Tharp, she say that she is a virgin.

I don't think I need to put that down, actually.

Sergeant Major, do you know?

What, sir?

Girl, sir, she say is Sergeant Major, sir, also a virgin?

Do you know how it is, sir?

Yes, yes, of course.

Tell her he has been married.

Sir, I mean, sir, Sergeant Major, sir, I'm too shoddy naked.

Yes, you can't do that in a battery office. Oh, don't worry about that,

Major. Well, we'll let you know as soon as we hear. That's all.

How about... Oh, no.

That is her salute, sir.

She's a lovely girl, sir, isn't she? She certainly is, I admit.

Oh,

isn't that nice, Ashford?

I think it's the bitter end.

What do you mean?

Beautiful, childlike, gentle girl.

What on earth does she see in that awful, coarse, noisy, hairy ape?

Let's put ourselves together, Ashwood. I can't help it, sir. Two years I've been

stuck out here in this damn place with the heaps and the flies and no ladies.

But then he walks in with that lovely girl.

It's too much.

If you want to know, I'm jealous.

Steady on, Ashwood. Think of your wife back home in Richmond.

I mean, you can't compare her with that girl.

Oh, yes, I can, sir. But that's what's making me jealous.

There'll always be an England.

Sergeant Mason, sir, here is your beautiful belt, made snowy white with

bull. Thank you, Mera. I must look my best tonight. I'm seeing her father

Sir, do you think her father will let you marry his beautiful daughter?

Oh, that's all fixed up. Tonight he's going to start teaching me his business.

He runs a Chinese restaurant, you know.

And you know, Mera, when all this lot's over...

I's taking him back home, and we's going to open a little Chinese restaurant in

Pontypridd.

William's the chink, I'll call it.

You started me to stop. What about your Welsh widow woman who has the pub, and

who's doing this?

What is she doing?

What is she waiting for?

Oh, I'll see her, all right.

She can advertise on the back of our menus.

I might even give her special rates.

Like a million -dollar trooper.

Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper.

Super duper.

Oh, God, it's not this beautiful place.

Of course, my place in Ponte won't be as big as it is to start with, but we'll

expand like, you know.

Mr. Sue.

How are you, buddy? How's your shape in there?

My man, he come to learn trick of trade.

That's it. That means, sir, we say today he'll teach you all about the kitchen.

Oh, that's the place to start, I reckon. Come on, Lotus Blossom.

He said the young girl not allowed in the kitchen.

We'll have to have a little chat about that before we hit Spongebob, won't we?

Oh, so this is where it all goes on, is it?

Funny -looking stuff.

Doesn't smell bad, though.

Sir, it is not permitted for me to eat this food.

Why, is that religion?

No, sir, doctor.

He says that today you stand here, waiter bring the order, and then you put

food on the tray.

Noodle? Noodle.

Beanshoot? Beanshoot.

Chop suey? Chop suey.

Sloop? Sloop.

Lice? Lice.

No, no, rice.

So, men.

Chow mein. What is chow mein?

That is chow, sir.

I've been yawned.

No, sir, we said not use real chow bow wow now.

We have not.

Substitute chow.

What's he?

Or smelly goat.

King prawn.

King prawn.

More like a shrimp to me.

He's just told waiters to put on the menu.

Prince of Wales brand.

Mushroom? Mushroom.

Water chestnut?

Well, look, Mr. Shu, I'll never remember all this lot.

Don't be afraid. He said not to worry. All done by numbers.

Look. One, two, three, four.

No doubt in Chinese, Chinese.

Again,

stop. Again.

Who's I?

Sir, that means restaurant open.

He must be quick, innit?

Sir,

this is the order.

Order?

Well,

it's all in Chinese.

Yeah, you translate.

Open, sir. I cannot read the Chinese.

This one, right?

This one. A bit more of that.

Come,

I show you. You see?

What does that mean? That means you be cloakroom attendant.

Sir, they're doing the Limehouse Blue, isn't it?

Oh, you're Limehouse Blue.

You're making love.

Oh,

show finishing now, sir.

About time, too. It's a load of rubbish.

The only thing you're doing, get on with it, too.

The king, sir, the king.

Sergeant Major Talbot, it makes one so proud to be British.

It is so moving. And when ardents hear it, they can hardly wait for the end

before rushing to the exit so no one will see the tears in their eyes.

Thanks a lot, Gloria. I'm sure it is.

We should have changed first. There isn't time.

Oh, Gloria, sir.

If you were really such a beautiful girl, I'd like to get you.

Slow boat to China.

Oh, you.

What the hell do you think you're on, bombardier?

Shut up!

How dare you decimate that parade ground by mincing across it dressed up like a

tart? And roll them sleeves down. Don't you want to catch malaria?

I can't roll them down.

It's a dress.

Shut up. What do you want?

Well, you see, we're just finishing the show and this Chinaman came backstage

and he gave me this note to give to you.

He said it was the mantra of life and death, so we brought it straight round.

Shut up.

You will find no happiness with Ling Su, only death.

Come here.

You're trying to make a fool out of me who wrote this.

Honestly, Sergeant Major, it was given to us by a real -life Chinaman.

Sergeant Major Top, is it signed?

Well, it's just an inkblot on the bottom. If you'll permit me, Sergeant

Top. Oh, Sergeant Major Top, this is not blood.

This is signed a black scorpion.

What does that mean?

It is a tongue.

What's a tongue?

Chinese Peaceless Society.

You mean like the buffaloes?

See, Sergeant Major Saab, before you trotted your place to the enchanting

Fu, she had another suture called Cho Hong. And he was of the family of black

scorpion. She is the family of red scorpion. And it is written that only a

scorpion can marry a scorpion.

Oh, Sergeant Major Saab, you are in terrible danger.

Twaddle. A Chinaman walking in this camp and trying to kill me, I should cogo.

This coat and a waistcoat, a basket for a start.

Pardon me, sir, there is one message.

What's it say?

Oh, sir, it say, before dawn breaks, you will die.

Move it, sir!

You! Did you see a Chinaman?

Yes.

What did he look like?

Because he was wearing clothes, that's why I didn't see anything.

I only saw his face.

And that's... Yellow.

Will you know him again if you saw him?

Sir, this is a matter of finding the rat out of the rat.

I mean... They all look alike to me.

I am in the appropriate chapter.

Me too.

My mum, she makes smashing chips.

These sweet potato chips are horrid. Oh, but...

I'm going to have some more when I'm finished with this lot. Oh, it beats me

where he puts it all.

It's a garnet.

I don't know what you're complaining about.

It's good, it's good.

Millions of people in India are starving.

There's not enough food to go round.

I somehow feel that your presence in India isn't helping the situation.

Oh!

All right then, stand here, then.

Now, pay attention, chaps.

Oh, by the way, the show was jolly good tonight.

Oh, thanks very much, sir. It was absolutely first class. Very good

Now, what was I going to say?

Oh, yes, of course.

Now, someone has made a threat on the life of Sergeant Major Williams.

Anyone we know, sir?

It seems that Sergeant Major Williams got mixed up with the Toms.

What was he doing? Poking the fire, sir?

It's terribly fun, isn't it?

together, Ashford. This is six.

I'm off, Sergeant.

Now, the Tongs is a secret Chinese society, and apparently they want to

Sergeant Major.

That's what they're up to. I'll join them tomorrow.

So I want an armed guard to watch the Sergeant Major all night, so you'd

get your riders.

Bombier, Beaumont, you will be in charge of the armed guard.

You'd better go and change that dress.

What other one would you like me to put on?

You'd better change too, Gunner, Gunner.

So you won't be mistaken for a child.

What shall I put on, sir?

Uniform, then you will not be mistaken for a soldier neither. Move aside, move

aside!

Let me guard all night.

We're begging your pardon, sir, but I does not need a bunch of pups to guard

I'm quite capable of looking after myself, and I'm not afraid of no China

I appreciate how you feel, Sergeant Major, but we can't take any risk.

We think a lot of you, you know.

You'd better stay all night in the battery office. It's easier to guard.

And get anything you want to make yourself comfortable.

I'll just slip into my gym shoes, if you don't mind, sir. I don't fancy sitting

down all night in my boots.

Right. Better get Sergeant Major's gym shoes, will you? Right -o, Colonel.

Oh, Sergeant Major, sir, after those heavy boots, this will bring such

All right, well, just tap the sand out, Vera, will you? Just that.

Scorpion!

Do not worry, Sergeant Major, sir. It is totally dead.

Thank goodness.

It's dead, Ashwood.

Well, you couldn't expect it to live long inside the Sergeant Major's suit.

And the note says, before dawn breaks, you will die. That is totally correct.

I'm telling you, Rangi, those Chinese men are very slinky.

Very bad.

If I wasn't Sergeant Major Boots, I would run like hell.

You're already fool.

Sergeant Major Boots, do not run away.

It is not the code.

Hey,

you are being summoned into the presence of the Colonel, sir.

Now do not forget your P and Q.

No, I will watch them very carefully, Rangi.

Charlie Waller, I want you to stand by to serve tea all night.

Yes, Colonel, sir.

I will dispense my mostly enchanted tea at all times.

Well, I have a cup now. I'm parched.

Sergeant Major, stand away from the window.

You two, move my desk, will you? Yes, sir. A little more room.

As big as you can.

Good dance.

You'd better sit down, then you won't make such a large target.

Right. Settle down.

Now, pay attention, chaps.

Two attempts have already been made on Sergeant Major's life.

There's no saying where these Chinese johnnies will strike next, so you must

keep a good lookout.

They may try anything.

They might even try poison.

That's a point.

They may even have slipped something into the child.

So no -one must drink the tea until... Are you all right, Ashford?

Yes, I think so, sir.

That's all right, then. You can drink the tea, chaps.

Oh, my God, is he?

I went to sit down and there wasn't a chair there.

Pull yourself together, Ashford.

Right, Sergeant Major, if there's anything you want, just let us know.

Bromley and Belmont? Yes, sir. You're in charge.

Carry on.

Carry on.

Do you know what he said?

I'm in charge.

Gunners Clark and Evans, keep a sharp lookout.

Gunner Macintosh, keep a look out that window.

for Chinaman and things.

There.

That's that thing too, then.

What the hell do you think you were doing?

I'm looking after you.

The colonel put me in charge.

Shut up.

The colonel said you've got to keep sitting down. Don't judge me!

Why is in charge here and I do not need a bunch of poofs to wet nurse me all

night?

But I have a message from the enchanting Ling Su.

Why didn't you tell me before?

Because I did not wish to speak in front of Colonel Sarp. She say her father has

plans for your safety as long as you can get through the night.

That's going to be difficult.

With this lot guarding me.

Beaumont. Sergeant Major.

Excuse me.

If I might suggest something, Sergeant Major. A thought has just occurred to

Thank you, Professor Einstein.

There will now be five minutes' silence while the mighty brain of Lardy Dog and

a Graham ticks over.

I look at it this way, Sergeant Major. They've already tried to kill you with a

knife and a scorpion. Now, if we can work out all the different permutations

methods of dispatching you, then we can anticipate them.

Well, in the Sherlock Holmes story, The Speckled Band, a poisonous snake came

down the bell rope.

Thank you, Beaumont.

If I requires the butler during the night, I will not use the bell rope.

They could use a poison dart, sir, through a blowpipe.

Well done, clever boy.

But they could not get near enough.

They might use a very long blowpipe and a Chinaman with a big puff.

I did not think of that one, Lofty.

Macintosh. Can you see a Chinaman out there lurking with a 50 -foot pipe?

Nathan and everybody, Sergeant Major.

How strange. I thought the place would be teeming with them.

I never once had fun in my life!

You! We're only trying to help, Sergeant Major. Shut up!

We should consider all possibilities, Sergeant Major. All possibilities,

Sergeant Major. I ask you, how could they get near enough to use a blowpipe?

Oh.

These Chinese are very clever, Sergeant Major.

Well, these Chinese are very clever, Sergeant Major.

I tell you this, Mr. Lardy Dark Gunner, Graham, they is not as clever as I am.

Hey, Vera. How? Get that flint gun. This place is even with mosquitoes.

That's enough!

That's enough!

Right, you better load your rifles, I suppose. Get the ammunition box,

Yes, sir.

What's the matter now?

It's very heavy.

On the way, on the way.

If I caught a Chinaman with a blowpipe, I'd ram it right down his gob.

All right, Sergeant Major, all clear. You can come out now.

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning, Sergeant Major.

No sign of any Chinaman?

No, sir.

They have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch me out.

That is enough to saw right through the board.

The Chinese fiends. Not

a

minute, sir.

She say that she is now ready to go with you.

Well, go where?

To secret place in the hills where you'll be married.

Her father has made all arrangements and has car waiting.

I'll have to ask the colonel for leave.

Colonel, sir, if you go

with her, you will never be able to return

here again.

That'll make me a deserter.

She says that if you love her, you will go with her.

Of course I love her. You tell her that.

She

says

that her love for you will remain as long as the moon and the stars... Father

the heavens.

She will go now to the temple and wait for ten minutes.

If you do not then come, her father will make her leave without you.

Sergeant Major Thob, what to do, huh?

What to do?

She is offering you a lifetime of happiness and enchantment.

You see that better.

Huh, Thob?

Took me 20 years to get that.

It's the only thing I ever wanted.

Till now.

Bombardier Beaumont?

Sergeant Major.

We're going back to camp. Get the men fell in.

Men?

You never called us that before, sir.

And Beaumont?

Sergeant Major.

Just for once.

Try and act like a soldier, will you?

I'll try, sir.

As if I can do it, boy.

So can you.

You know, there's an old Hindu proverb which say that when the heart is full,

it is time for tears.

Happiness is as the butterfly.

If you can catch it in your hand, you must either let it fly away or

keep it.

And watch it die.

B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you!