Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey. With songs and sketches and jokes shown anew with us about you

and Bill Blues. So meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain

you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Boys are here.

Boys to entertain you.

Sit up straight on your pancreas.

Today is very exciting here in Royal Artillery Depot, Dear Lally.

Colonel Saab.

Captain Saab and Sergeant Major Shut -up Saab are having meetings to decide who

is to be promoted to bombardier.

Now, in the rest of British Army, man with two stripes on his arm is called

corporal. But in olden times, some regiments had halibut. And man in charge

called halibutier.

And he was very big fish.

Now, the word bombardier means man in charge of bombs.

And that is why, in Royal Regiment of Artillery, man with two stripes on his

is called bombardier.

Many years ago, I was bearer to officer in infantry, and he called a man with

two stripes on his arm corporal deer.

But he was sent home to Blighty Jolly quickly.

Yes, you ought to ask him some of those trick questions, Ashwood. Have you got

the list?

Yes, sir.

Test questions for prospective NCOs.

Gunner Sugden is next, sir. I do not think you will delay us very long.

Halt! With march!

Move this way!

Out!

Salute!

There he is.

Now, the colonel and the captains could ask you questions to see if you're

suitable for many a material. Is that clear?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Now then, Sutton, you're on patrol with an officer and ten men when you see

three Japanese soldiers entering a thicket.

When do you open fire?

How thick is the thicket?

The thickness of the thicket has got nothing to do with it. Answer the

What are they going in the thicket for?

Good question. What are they going into the thicket for, Ashton?

He doesn't say, sir.

I think they're just passing through.

I see.

When do you open fire, Sugden?

Before they go in the thicket.

When they're in the thicket.

When they come out the thicket.

I've failed, haven't I?

You mustn't jump to conclusions, Sugden. Get out!

Salute! About time!

Quick march! Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right!

Next!

Excuse me, sir.

What the hell are you playing at, bearer? Start it with a sob. It is four

'clock. It is tea time.

You remember the old song?

No matter what the star, when the clock strikes far, everything stops for char.

Shut up. Get three cups.

I'll shut up.

I

can't

stand this waiting about much longer.

I get so nervous.

Just like when I went on my first audition for one of the Lost Boys in

Pan.

In such a state, I couldn't find the theatre.

Lardy Dog on a Graham is next, sir.

Why do you call him that?

The way he talks, sir.

He's got an awfully affected accent.

I can't stand that.

Me neither.

But he's got lots of qualifications.

Cambridge man, isn't he? With respect, sir, he may be all right for a officer,

but he's not up to standard as a bombardier.

Every time he talks to me, he makes me feel like a complete fool.

Yes, sir, well, he makes me feel like a bad smell under his nose.

Do we not be absolutely fair and impartial?

Get it in, will you? Ha!

We march left, right, left, right, left, right, left, left, left, left! Right

wheel! My time! Ha!

Salute!

I don't think so, do you, Ashford? Not really, sir. I quite agree, sir. That'll

be all, thank you very much. Salute!

Sergeant Major, stop.

Stop! It is four o 'clock, sir, and I packed your kit, and the train goes in

hour. What train is that, Sergeant Major?

Oh, I was catching the five o 'clock to Bombay, sir, back tomorrow morning. Got

a bit of admin to do. Very much?

Quite a bit, sir.

Sergeant Major, sir, the Bombay girl is not so beautiful, but her hair is big.

Charlie!

And don't be such big dicky.

If you've got that train to catch, we'd better get a move on.

We'll see the next two together.

Oh, well, that will be Gunner Parkins, sir, and Gunner Beaumont. Bearer, when I

call, tell the next two to come in together.

I'll tell Sergeant Major Taft.

Sir, sir, look. Sergeant Major Taft says he will see you both in the all

together.

Are you nervous, Gloria?

No. So long as Sergeant Major shut up, thinks you're his fan, you've got

to worry about.

I would like you to take particular notice of Gunner Parkins, sir.

He's first -class bombarding material.

Six foot one, good physique, five better shoulders, real man.

What about Gunner Beaumont?

Five foot four, pigeon chest, he doesn't worry to us all. Out!

Salute!

There he is.

Shoulders back, lovely boy.

Five better shoulders, you're more for the colonel.

Now, the colonel is going to ask you questions and you will answer up

is that clear?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

He's going to ask me questions.

Shut up.

Colonel Parkins is now ready for you to ask him questions, sir.

How long have you been in the army, Parkins? 20 months, is that right?

Yes, Sergeant Major. Good boy, very alert, quick answer.

Ask them the one about the soldiers in the thicket, Ashwood. Yes, sir.

Now then, Parkins, you're on patrol with an officer and ten men when you see

three Japanese soldiers entering a thicket.

When do you open fire?

Uh...

Take your time, lovely boy.

What is the answer, Edwin?

When you get the order. What?

When you get the order. Oh, yes, of course, of course.

You open fire when you get the...

When you get the... Mind the point.

We don't get the beer.

Bit thick, sir.

Complete idiot.

Not his fault. Probably comes from a thick family.

I should think his father's as thick as a post, wouldn't you, son?

Shut up.

Oh, Sergeant Major Saab, what a wonderful city that Bombay is.

Find yourself a baby, did you?

Oh, no, Saab.

I slept all night outside your door at Union Jack Club.

You know, Sergeant Major Saab, that was the most beautiful door that I've ever

slept against.

It's so comfortable.

Shut up and clear off!

You'd like to buy a copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover, Sahib?

Completely unviaducted version.

Unviaducted version?

Oh, yes, Sahib.

Oh, yes. Under the bridge.

All the spicy bits.

Lefty. Shut up!

Watch, voila!

Stop! Would you like to buy watch?

Real good! Shut up!

Leave this to me, Sergeant Major. Stop.

Sergeant Major Saab, he's only a very low -caste fellow.

Besides, train only going slowly.

He is running a long line, shaking fists.

Oh, what a shame.

He's left his watch behind.

Sergeant Major Saab, train coming into station now.

Right, pull them shutters down, Bear. I don't want any Luke Wallace nicking my

cat. Watch out, Saab.

Now.

these damn natives in their place.

Hello,

I know your face.

Right, we met last year in Calcutta.

Fancy bumping into you again.

Thought we still made a shot.

Lovely, Sergeant Major Williams.

Oh, so nice.

Old friends meeting on trains. Shut up! You!

Move along the corridor and sit in the next compartment.

Right, sir. Oh,

just one thing, Sergeant, may I disarm you? No corridors on Indian trains.

Get out!

Sir.

Well, Mr. Williams, where do you station?

Tulali, Mr. Sharp, next stop. Where do you station?

Well, I move about all over India, giving men special drill.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major, sir. What do you want? Next carriage is totally full.

May I come in, please?

No, you can't. Stay where you are.

You do a lot of drill, do you, Mr. Sharp? Oh, it's my whole life, Mr.

I live for special drill.

Anybody wants my special drill, they send for me.

Oh, yes.

The Vice -Rise Bodyguard, C &C Special Guard, I drill them all.

Don't drill any rubbish.

Won't look at any man under six foot.

Oh, I've got the gift for it.

I am what is known as a virtuoso.

Do you know what the C &C called me?

No idea.

Do you hedge your iron men you in on the playground?

Pretty good, eh?

Oh, I'm ready.

What are your men like?

You getting off a doolally?

No. My men are fantastic.

Scott, you've never seen nothing like it in all your life.

All over six foot, tough soldiers, real men.

It's not here much longer, I think I shall faint.

It's a damned disgrace, leaving us standing out here in the boiling sun

those officers are lounging around in the shade.

I take it you agree with my decision, Ashford? Yes, I suppose so, sir. Under

circumstances, I think I've made the right choice.

Don't you think we ought to wait till the sergeant major gets back and consult

him? We don't want to make him cross.

Look, I'm running this unit, Ashford, not the sergeant major.

Come on, let's go and break it to the chaps.

It's pretty I'm not getting off with Dilali, Mr. Williams. I'd like to have

a good look at your men.

Believe me, he does not know what he was missing.

What's your insular like?

My bombardier? He's a cracker. A real man, if you ever saw one.

And I'm pleased to say that the choice of Bombardier is Gunner Beaumont.

I'm so happy I could cry.

Here are your stripes, Bombardier.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I shall wear them away.

Something about a soldier.

Something about a soldier.

Something about a soldier.

Never have I seen Sergeant Major Shutterstock in such a rage. He's blown

a bullfrog.

Inspector,

I think you should have consulted me before you promoted Beaumont to...

What are your objections?

He is a poof, sir.

And you cannot have a bombardier poof.

That is libel, Sergeant Major.

He's just highly artistic and sensitive.

We've got to have somebody who understands show business.

You must admit he makes a wonderful ginger -oddness.

The fact that a man poncies about on the stage dressed as a tart does not...

Qualify him for Bombardier, sir!

How dare you call Ginger Rogers a tart?

She's my favourite film star.

Watch your language, Sergeant Major, and see who it is.

What do you want?

Could you please give the Colonel a message?

Could you tell him the...

The little boy's ready to cut the rope.

What?

The little boy's ready to cut the rope.

Gunner Bombardier Beaumont has asked me to give you a message, sir.

He says the little boy is ready to cut the rope.

Oh, yes, of course, the Indian reptile.

We're going to audition a magician.

Beaumont has laid it on. If the magician is any good, we might use him in one of

our shows.

Let's go and have a look, shall we?

You've got a prop there.

There's life and life.

You've got your band parts. Right.

OK, then. Good luck.

You stand here, fellas.

I wonder how they do it.

Well, it's all auto -suggestion.

Math, hypnosis.

A particulatory state resembling deep sleep in which subjects act on external

suggestion.

He's going to make us think we're watching the road trip, but we won't

watching it at all.

Oh, sir, would you be... You sit there, sir.

And you sit there, sir.

Don't touch me!

Would you like a sweetie, sir?

Angie,

stand by to translate.

I'll stand up in it.

You are now going to see Indian rope trickery.

So please, to watch the magician, please.

Come on, come on, start singing.

The game is about to begin.

Did they? What's this monkey skull?

What's the monkey skull?

What's the monkey skull?

What's the monkey skull?

What's the monkey skull?

Well, he's jolly well not going to hypnotize me.

He says that this rope will now rise into the air.

See, the rope is rising into the air.

Look at that, sir.

The rope is rising in the air without visible means of support.

Fantastic.

If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd never have believed it.

The rope's on the end of a pole.

that this rope is now 20 foot in air.

He say

his boy will now climb this rope.

You see, the boy is now climbing the rope.

That boy climbing that rope, sir.

It's amazing.

He's a paper boy.

I don't care what he does in the daytime. Shut up!

See, he is now climbing the rope, and he reaches the boy, and he got...

He's just climbed in the basket.

It's a very good trick.

the most wonderful experience.

They'll never believe me when I tell them in Swansea.

Some explanation, but I saw it with my own eyes.

Sergeant Major Sharp, there are in India many wondrous things that cannot be

explained.

Come in.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major. I was in the office earlier on, sir, and somebody

phoned up for you, and as I couldn't find you, sir, I took a message.

Good boy, very smart. Who was it?

Company Sergeant Major Sharp, sir.

What do you want?

He said he was going back to Bombay tomorrow, sir, and he's going to pop off

stop here and see your wonderful men.

What?! I said I'm going to do an audition for him, sir.

You... All right, boy, you get out.

Oh, Sergeant Major Sharp!

Blimey, what to do?

When Sergeant Major Sharp arrives with all his terrible bull, he'll expect that

the old men are very smart and all six foot tall. You told him so yourself.

up, I'm trying to think!

Sergeant Major Sharp, perhaps if you drill...

the concert party all night. They would then be smart in the morning. I could

drill them all day for all night for a month and they still look like a rag bag

of poofs.

If this gets out, I'll be the laughing stock of India.

Sergeant Major Sharp, Sergeant Major Sharp, I have one small idea.

Perhaps it might be possible for me to arrange that when Sergeant Major Sharp

arrives, he does not see concert party.

How are you going to do that?

In India, all things are possible.

What are you going to do, murder him?

Sergeant Major South, trust me, I promise you, all will be well in the

For a very small fee.

Old Kent Road and goodbye, darling.

Do you mean to tell us, Randy, that when this company sergeant major arrives

here, he expects to see us drilling like guardsmen? Totally correct, sir. Oh,

he's going to get a bit of a shock.

Old shut -up will never get us on parade. He's far too ashamed.

But I have promised Sergeant Major Sharp to help him. How on earth are you going

to do that?

Sharp, when Sergeant Major Sharp arrives, I have arranged for rope -trick

magician to put him into trance so that he will only see what we want him to

see. Like last night, Sharp, when you thought you saw boy climb rope.

You mean hypnotize this other Sergeant Major?

Yes, Sharp. You'll never get away with it. Magician very powerful, Sharp.

Sergeant Major Sharps, I will be totally sterilised.

But it will be necessary to have all your cooperation.

Why should we help old shut -up, eh? He hates her guts.

You can't kick a man when he's down.

Sergeant Majors don't count. Right.

What do you think, lawyer?

I think we should do it. Ah, rubbish.

No. The drama of it appeals to my theatrical sense.

Where are you going to find that Star Major Williams?

In the battery office, sir.

Get that turd. All right, all right.

You! Straight up with your punk face. Oh!

What a terrible fellow.

Where is the Star Major Williams?

Coming soon, sir.

What's he doing here?

Sergeant Major sir collects monkey nuts, sir, and this is the nut of the monkey.

Sergeant Major.

Watch the monkey skull,

sir. Watch this monkey skull.

Watch the monkey skull, sir.

Watch the monkey skull.

Watch the monkey skull.

Watch the monkey skull.

Watch the monkey skull.

You will remember only what I tell you now and nothing else.

Nod your head if you understand.

You will go out onto

the parade ground

and you will see the most magnificent body of men you have ever seen in your

life. Nod your head if you understand.

Their drill will be like what you get outside Buckingham Palace.

When magician snaps his fingers, you'll remember only what you're told to

remember. Nod your head if you understand.

Good morning, Mr. Williams.

No need for you to come all this way just to see my men?

Well, after what you told me about them on the train, I had to see for myself.

I tell a master a good drill, can't resist it, can't resist it.

All right, let's get on with it then. After you, Mr. Sharp. Thank you.

Mr. Sharp.

Is this a better word?

It will, Sergeant Major Sharp. I swear by my old school colors that you are...

Trying to strangle me, Liz.

It is necessary for them all to be on their knees so that they all look the

height. And it will be necessary for you also to go on your knees, Saab, to be

at the same level.

What about him?

He will do as you do, Saab.

magnificent body of men.

Do they drill as smart as they look?

not interfere.

Sergeant Major knows what he's doing.

Time for a chit -pig, I think.

Well, well. What a fine body of men.

Must be all over six foot.

This one.

Real soldier.

Tell us about the other.

He must be... Well, I'm six foot one. I have to look after him.

He must be all over six foot four.

Well done, lad.

You know, there's an old Hindu proverb which say...

The deeper man wishes to rise to great heights, he can do it just as easily on

his knees as he's standing up.

B -O -Y -S, boys, to entertain you!