Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With song and sketches and jokes old and new, with us about you and Phil Blue.

So meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. What sad day it is for all of us here at Royal Artillery

Depot, dear Lally. We have all been saying goodbye to Bombardier Solomon

who has left us and gone home to Blighty.

A farewell present he has given me, the splendid and top -hole watch.

Oh, it is so jolly nice.

There is only one problem. It has no insides.

Bye. Bombardier Solomon Saab has told me that it shows the correct and proper

time twice a day at 11 minutes past 10.

So, all I need is another watch now to show me when it is 11 minutes past 10 so

that I can look at this watch and see that it is indeed 11 minutes past 10.

He has also given me one cheaty.

To show to the Indian police to prove that it was a gift and that I have not

stolen it.

Unfortunately, he has not given me a chitti to stop the Indian police from

stealing it.

So, I will keep it very carefully hidden in my dhoti.

Salam, Ruki. Ah, Salam, Mohammed.

Oh, dear me.

Just think, we shall never see Bombardier Solomon again.

Ah, I feel that I have lost a very dear friend.

And I have lost the sale of four cups of chai a day.

You ratty fool.

You think of nothing but your own pocket.

I can hear weeping and wailing from concert party, Basha. Come, let us go

comfort the saps.

Oh, saps, saps, saps. What sad day it is today.

I shall never forgive Solly for this.

I mean, he's deserting me. I mean, what's going to happen to the concert

now? You can't blame him for going, Gloria. He has done his three years.

Thank goodness I've nearly done mine.

I've only got six months to go.

Doesn't he show?

Shall we grab these butch scotch hairy haggis?

Oh, be careful, sir. Now that Bombardier Solomon, sir, is not here, there is

nobody to protect you. Thanks for reminding me, Vandy.

Ah!

What did you say, Petal?

Well, there's nothing wrong with being butch and hairy.

And I think those tattoos are very tasteful.

Nice.

Sam, the question is, who is to be promoted to bombardier?

Well, I wouldn't have had any stripes and a gift.

Mind you, the money would come in handy.

That's true.

Sweep it up, Randy.

Sweep it up, Mahmoud.

It's quite a responsibility, you know, being a bombardier.

I mean, apart from running the show, you've got to be able to maintain

discipline. Oh, I quite agree.

I mean, the counterparty has to be run with an iron hand.

Otherwise, we're all liable to break out, dash down to the bazaar, pillaging,

looting and raping.

I've got an idea.

I mean, there's nobody in charge. Why don't we all go on the rampage?

Count me out. I'm not doing any raping or pillaging.

Stop! As Sergeant Major Saab thinks that Farky Saab is his son, perhaps he will

give him the two stripes.

And Saab, he's always telling you what fine shoulders you have and how jolly

good -looking you are.

Oh, no, I wouldn't want that, Randy. I wouldn't want to get any promotion just

on me looks.

Well, I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

Mind you, I'm entitled to them. I mean, I am the only true professional artiste

here. Saab, thus speaks the wisdom of Sullivan.

I wouldn't accept it either.

Mind you, I really ought to have it with all my qualifications.

I mean, I ask you, how many bombardiers in the Royal Artillery have got a degree

in English literature?

I ask you.

How many bombardiers have got a degree in English literature?

None!

And I will tell you why, Mr Lardy Dark and Graham. It is because of the start

-arse quo.

In the British Army, officers should speak like officers, NCOs and gunners

should speak like NCOs and gunners.

That is the start -arse quo.

Do you understand?

Well, not really, Sergeant Major, no.

Well, not really, Sergeant Major, no.

If all Bombardiers spoke loudly now, nobody would know where we are. You

be there by now.

Some properties.

Watch it.

Why, help!

It's under ice!

It's uneasy.

Now, you has all been saying goodbye to Bombardier Solomon. I knew he was all

very upset. Oh, dear, how sad. Never mind.

My lovely boys, let's have a look at you.

Hello? Something wrong here?

My finger is staying in the horizontal position normally when I count you lot.

It droops. Where is the droop?

Have you made us up?

Here is droop.

Where are you being going to sag them?

Down to see if the mail's coming.

When one of you lot gets a letter, that is the only time a mail gets into this

barshire, you poofs.

It's not a letter, it's a song. I sent home for Tosti's goodbye.

Shut up and get fell in.

Now, you may all have been puzzled when you were saying goodbye to Bombardier

Solomons that Colonel Reynolds and Captain Hashwood was not there.

This may seem strange to you because Bombardier Solomons spent most of his

crawling around the Colonel's jaxxy.

And the Colonel was fond of him.

But the colonel and the captain was not there because they is in hospital with

quarantine.

Suspected of having picked up something nasty.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Is it contagious, Sergeant Major?

No, lovely boy, not unless you catches it.

Now, I suppose you is all wondering who is going to be promoted to bombardier.

Well, I will tell you.

Gunnarsugden.

What is the name of that song you just got?

Toasty's goodbye.

It's very sad.

Good. Let's hear it.

Sing, Lofty.

Now! Goodbye forever.

Goodbye forever.

Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

That was Toasty's goodbye.

I was going to give you Sergeant Major Williams' goodbye.

None of you is going to be promoted a bombardier because there's not going to

no concert party for you to be promoted bombardier of.

You is all posted up the jungle.

But, Sergeant Major, you can't post us up the jungle without the Colonel's

permission. Shut up!

The Colonel would not know nothing about it, seen as he is in hospital, and

cannot see anybody or come into contact with any human beings for the next two

weeks. And by the time he gets out, you will be gone.

Won't you get into trouble, Sergeant Major?

Any trouble I gets into gonna lardy dark area and will be well worth it to get

rid of you lot.

Now, you're this.

Them postings will take ten days to come through and I is not having you lot in

here bashing you a charpoys all day.

So, get a Macintosh, Clark and Evans.

Sir. Cookhouse fatigues. Get a Graham.

Sir. Library fatigues.

Get a parking.

Sir.

Battery office.

Get a Beaumont. Sir. Batman to Colonel Saunders.

The rest of you, permanent whitewashing off stones.

I want them stones gleaming white.

Gleaming, gleaming!

That's all.

That's it!

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh, what a terrible day that was for a concert party, huh?

Now they have all been dismembered.

have been on fatigues in wash house, cook house and such like places.

Don't be such clever dicky.

Come quick.

There's an urgent conference in the concert party, Basha, and they're

your help.

Right.

That's another day nearer to us getting posted.

For goodness sake, put a sock in it. Every day you tick off that silly

You say, that's another day near a test getting posted.

Nobody does anything. Nobody does anything.

Why doesn't somebody do something?

I can't stand this pressure.

It's too great. I can't stand it.

Bob, if pressure's too great, get bigger size of boots from Quartermaster.

I'll belt up, Randy.

Bob, I am completely belted up.

That could be the cause of the pressure.

What? Your belt's too tight.

The pressure is in my mind, my artistic, sensitive mind.

Actually, a mind. What we need is a clear, logical mind to help us get out

this mess.

That's right, a clear, logical mind.

And Bob, who could have more clear, logical mind than Graham Thob with all

wonderful use of university education?

And after all, wasn't he not pupil of Eton who invented flush toilet?

I don't think I quite follow that, Randy. Oh, Thob, have you not heard the

story? Oh, sir, it is something that all we British should be truly proud of.

You see, sir, there was this brilliant scholar of Eton who had drawn up a plan

for fresh toilet.

And another scholar said this will not work. So he challenged him to do it. And

hence you get the saying, sir, that the Battle of the Waterloo was won on the

playing field of Eton.

Yes, well, as I see it, it's a simple mathematical problem of syllogistics.

let A equal the colonel in quarantine, B equals us in here, and X equals the way

to get the message to the colonel. A, B, X.

C comes after B, not X.

Hey, fellas, can we tie a little message to a cricket ball and throw it?

That's not really very logical, Nobby.

We could tie a little note to a pigeon.

Of course not.

There are no pigeons left in this part of India. The kite hawks have all eaten

them. Right. We'll catch a kite hawk and get lessons.

Somebody please say something sensible.

Sir, I have it. I will disguise myself and sneak into hospital with message.

Oh, no, Ranji. You might catch something.

Not to worry, sir. I've had all dreaded Indian diseases.

Dirty belly, swamp fever, yellow fever.

No, no, no, Ranji.

Sir,

in order to get into hospital, I will disguise myself as nurse.

All right.

I'll end you my skirt and black stockings.

No, no, sir.

Male nurse.

Perhaps you're right. You haven't got the leg for it.

Here we are again, happy as can be.

You started to feel anything yet, Ashford?

Yes, sir. I was just taking a nap.

Do come out from under that net.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

No, sir.

I can't see how we could possibly have swamp fever when we haven't been near

swamps.

It's all your fault taking me to that restaurant.

It wasn't in a swamp.

Wasn't it?

Mind you, that mango fool we had for pudding was a bit watery.

It had nothing to do with the mango fool, you fool. One of the waiters had

fever.

Well, anyway, we've only got to be here for three more days.

It's for the Colonel.

Give it to him.

What's he waiting for?

I think he wants a tip.

Well, give him something, will you?

Oh,

don't give him a whole rupee. That's far too much. I can't get a coin on the

pole.

Give him one of those bath buttons.

Thanks, Hortley.

Oh, good heavens.

Perhaps I shouldn't have done that. He might catch... or we don't know if we've

got or not.

Do use your intelligence, Ashwood. Indians don't catch things, they give

us.

What's he say?

Have you got any butter?

Damn cheap.

Clear off.

Don't throw things on the floor, Ashwood.

I'm sorry, sir.

I say, have a care.

Heavens, the Supremo's coming.

What, Lord Thingy?

Yes, yes, he's coming next week. And they want us to put on a show for him.

I hope the concert party's in good shape.

Oh, don't worry, sir. Beaumont's pretty keen.

I bet he's rehearsing them like mad.

Excuse me, Colonel South.

Not today, thank you.

Colonel South, it is me.

You mean it is I?

Yes, sir, it is I.

Who's I?

My I, sir.

Both of them.

What are you doing here? You'll catch something.

Oh, no, no. Do not worry, Colonel Saab. I'm totally in fume.

Colonel Saab.

Captain Saab. I have urgent and grave news.

Concert party is about to be posted up jungle.

But the Supremo's coming. Yes, the Supremo's coming. Oh, Colonel Saab,

not eat it.

Look for half that Indian ice cream.

Full of germs.

Bear, will you please go and get Sergeant Major Williams at once? Tell

come here at the double. Colonel, sir, he might catch something.

Don't worry, I'll make special arrangements. Off you go. Geordie,

Colonel, sir.

Geordie, Geordie.

Oh, blimey.

Yes, Doctor, sir. What

she

say, Bear?

Colonel Saab, he has asked me to do something that I would not dream of

British officers.

That is all the

postings through.

Where are the concert party going, Sergeant Major?

The Jungle Battle School in Assam.

Wish I was going with them, sir.

Really, boy?

That's what I likes to see.

Keenness.

Shoulders back, boy.

Shoulders back.

I'd better shoulder as you show them off.

We dare not see. I mean, that dandruff of yours is clearing up nicely.

We used to send you up the jungle and might brig out again and who knows where

it will end.

I'll be sorry to see him go, sir.

Yes, I'll be very sorry too, boy.

I can hardly wait to get him on parade and...

Tell him he's leaving at 1100 hours tomorrow.

Oh! Shut up! Shut up!

How dare you come first in the battery office like that? Stand to attention!

About time!

Quick march!

Left side! Left side! Left side! Left side! Left side!

About time!

Close the door!

Not on the door!

Open the door!

Quick march!

Left side! Left side! Left side! Left side!

Oh, stop! Stop!

Colonel Starr wants to see you. Act dumb!

seem easy in hospital and highly confledge us.

He has made the special arrangement.

When the sound within us all clear.

Right. Do not come any closer, Sergeant Major.

And put this over your head.

I hope this disinfectant is not too strong, but we... We can't afford to

any chances, you see. Now, Berra, splash the veil every 15 seconds.

Oh, Dr.

Saab, unfortunately, my watch does not go beyond 11 minutes past 10.

Well, count 15 slowly, then.

It's there for you to speak to the fellow now, Colonel.

Thank you, Doctor.

Start spraying the veil.

Okay, Dr. Saab.

If you need any more disinfectant, let me know, won't you? Okay, Dr. Saab.

What the hell do you mean by posting the concert party without my permission?

Well, sir, I was only doing my duty.

I don't want to hear a lot of excuses. Stop the posting at once.

Don't you realise the Supremo's coming in three days?

We've got to put on a special show for him.

The Supremo, sir?

Yes, you know, the Admiral Supremo.

What are we going to say to him if there's no show?

Well, with respect, sir, you as a colonel in the army...

And you don't need to worry about no Dago sailors.

I'm talking about Admiral Lord Thingy.

Admiral Lord Thingy?

Right, we're finished, Doctor.

Stop the postings. And start the concert party rehearsing at once, and that is

an order.

I'm afraid that disinfectant was a bit stronger than I thought.

I've given Beaumont, sir, your message, and he's coming.

Good. Get two mugs of tea.

What's the matter, sir?

What's the matter, sir? It is most kind of you to ask me to partake of tea with

you. I am totally honored.

Shut up.

Oh, for you to forget about Beaumont. Now, when he comes in here, you stay

me, because I'm going to butter him up and give him a bit of the old soft soap.

What's the matter, sir?

You are desiring Charles Harding, Major, sir?

Shut up and crouch in the corner.

I want you to prepare tea for Boomer Thub, and then Sergeant Major Thub is

to butter him up with soft soup. Shut up.

Come in.

You wanted to see me, Sergeant Major?

Yes, lovely boy.

Bearer, a chair for Gunner Boomer.

Sergeant Major Thub.

You may serve the tea, Bearer. Do you fancy a kinky?

I don't think I should.

I have to watch my figure.

You should, lovely boy.

I was only saying the other day, when you get that Ginger Rogers dress of

on, it's hard to believe you was a man.

It's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Sergeant Major.

Oh, lovely boy.

That means every word of it.

Please, sir.

Vera. Sir.

You can tell that you are wanted to go now.

I have not seen the Sergeant Major doing the buttering with the soft soap yet.

How dare you?

It's not for you damn natives to watch.

But it's only for us British.

Now,

Gunnar Beaumont, you will be pleased to know I have used all my influence and

got them postings cancelled.

Does that mean we're not going to get sent up the jungle after all?

That's right.

Oh, thank you very much, Sergeant Major.

Mind you, it's just as well. The colonel was telling me to tell you that he

wants you to do a special show next Tuesday evening.

I'm sorry, I couldn't do that.

Why not?

Well, I'd like to, but I just couldn't get the show ready in time.

I mean, my nerves would never stand it.

Besides, I'm quite happy where I am, being Batman to Colonel Saunders.

I get on ever so well with his wife.

I help her design all her frocks.

She says I'm a little treasure.

It's a very special show, you know.

Hey, do you know who's going to be there?

Who?

Admiral Lord...

I'm sorry, I can't help it. I still can't get the show ready in time.

You know who his mate is, don't you?

No. Noel Coward.

Noel Coward?

And if the Admiral sees you in the show, he's bound to tell his mate Noel, isn't

he? Would he do that, Sergeant Major?

If you were a talent, lovely boy, he's bound to spot you. I can see it now.

When you get back to Blighty, on the troop ship, they lower the gangplank,

there is Noel Coward.

Standing there with his contract in his arm.

Well, Sergeant Major, I'm going to be a star, and I owe it all to you.

Yes, lovely boy, you owe it all to me.

Swing high, swing low, swing to, swing fro.

The way they said wedding bells swinging.

Keep tune and time.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. Hold it, hold it.

What are you playing?

Swing high, swing low. What's the matter? Isn't it loud enough?

Oh, yeah, it's loud enough.

Oh, what's wrong with it, then?

I think it's supposed to be a romantic number with a gentle swing.

Well, I am swinging it. I thought I'd give it a bit of a beat as well.

I'm meant to be a girl in an English garden.

Not Tarzan in the jungle.

Don't you mean Jane?

Oh.

And lofty.

Why are you wearing those glasses?

You're meant to be a soldier.

It's all right. They're army -issue glasses for wearing under a gas mask.

They didn't have gas masks in those days. Oh, start the whole thing again.

Swing high, swing low, swing true, swing wrong. The way they set wedding bells

swinging. My lovely boys, don't forget, I want to be a really good show tonight.

on the swing.

Does it not give you joy to see him swinging to and fro?

Yes, I'd like to see him swing.

Nervous, Sergeant Major?

Fancy the supreme. I've been in the audience tonight.

You've got nothing to worry about, lovely boy. He's bound to like you.

push him harder, better?

I want it to be a really good show.

I think I'm pushing him quite high enough.

Come out of the way, come out of the way. Let me do it.

What?

Better, isn't it?

Good on seeing.

My ankle.

My poor ankle.

Sir, please to drink this.

Oh, thank you.

What did the doctor say, Ashford? We sprained his ankle rather badly, sir. He

won't be able to walk for a week.

My career's in ruins.

Ruins!

We'll have to cancel the show, sir. We can't. The Supreme Court's here in a

couple of hours.

Well, how are we going to do the show without a leading lady, sir?

Or couldn't we use a real woman, sir?

Look, I hold you responsible for this, Sergeant Major. You got us into this

and you jolly well get us out of it. I don't mind what you do, but just fix it,

and that is an order. Come along, Ashford.

This mess they're loving me with.

The show seems to be going well, Ashford.

Absolutely first class.

You enjoying the show, sir?

Oh, interesting, yes.

Yes, very interesting.

Keen on paper tearing, are you, sir?

I don't think I've ever seen anything like that before.

I think my friend Noel would certainly find it very amusing.

Your friend Noel? Yes, of course.

And your cousin?

Cousin? What cousin?

Oh, yes, she's very fond of theatricals.

It's like having a tonight in Dixie.

The whole thing's a travesty.

Never mind, the show must go on.

Randy. Stand by to turn the mic on. Roger.

Standing by to turn the mic on, Pop.

Hey, Father!

Swing high and swing low, Mr.

Oh, really?

Had a bit of trouble with the girl on the twig.

What, you personally?

Not me personally, sir.

Oh, that's all right, then.

That was, that was Gunner Evans tearing him up.

And now, Dennis Fogden will tear you up with Swing Low.

Oh, Swing Low?

Randy, you're putting the curtains the wrong way. Oh, sorry, sir.

Swing high, swing low, swing to, swing fro. The way they said wedding bells

swinging, you know. In rhythmic rhyme, keep tune and time.

You know, there's an old Hindu proverb which says that if you are pushing a

on a swing who is singing in high voice, you must be careful that the swing does

not come back and hit you, or else you also will be singing in high voice.

Hey, hey, hey. B -O -Y -S, voice to entertain you!