Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way, to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes old and new, with us about you and Phil

So meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

The gang cause the boys are here.

Boys to age and age. Your handsome face is all white and leathery. Just like

your daddy Christmas, isn't it?

Holy night.

Silent night.

Holy night. Randy, do me a favour. No cabaret.

Just make sure you sharpen that bit of old tin you call a riser.

Don't you worry, Tom. I will make it sharp as bloody hell.

Somebody at Solomon's, would you please ask Randy to put a sock in it?

Ready, you are out. Is that that?

This is a very delicate operation.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

Will you please build up?

You're not writing home again, are you, Parky?

Well, I swapped an ear ago off for five bags. It seems a pity to waste it.

I only write once a month. I can't think of nothing to say.

Oh, it's easy.

Dear Mum, I hope you're well. The news is quite good.

I've got the deli itch. However, I've got over the runs.

How's Dad?

We've all been confined to barracks by old shutter, though none of us knows

No, we don't. It's a damned disgrace.

It's imprisonment without trial.

That's against habeas corpus, isn't it? They don't have habeas corpus when the

army's done showing.

Hey, what is habeas corpus? Well, it means literally to have the body.

We have that in India, sir. We call it Kama Sutra.

Poor Chintanwala.

Now, don't say anything. How much? A kitna pie, see?

That's cheap.

It costs you half a crowning block, fool.

He wants you to do a design in the sand. Oh, I'm sorry

Oh, goodness gracious.

Is it bad news?

No, no, sir. He has headache.

What's he want now? More money? No, no, sir. He want aspirin.

Tell him to get on with it. He'll have his aspirin later.

Oh, I'm

so

glad.

It's such a relief to know, isn't it?

Sir,

he said they can see it shining through the trees.

We hope next year it's a scarborough.

Sir, he said, do they have jungle in Scarborough?

Jungle? Jungle?

It's a swindle. No, no, no, sir. Make another pattern in sand.

I went to a fortune teller once. She told me one day I'd be a soldier.

And who knows, lovely boy, one day it might come true.

What is that man doing in here?

He's a fortune teller, Sergeant Major.

I will tell his fortune.

If he is not out of this bathroom in ten seconds, he will find my toe right up

his jacksy.

Sir, he is cursing you. He says that all your teeth will fall out.

Oh, dear.

How sad. Too late.

Get out of my sight. Better get him off this camp and don't let me see him here

again. Don't you worry, sir. I will quickly give him the bum's rust. Shut

You are a lovely man.

Right,

lovely boys. Now, I expect you've been wondering why I asked you not to leave

camp this afternoon.

You didn't ask us, Sergeant Major. You told us we were confined to barracks

until further orders.

Oh, dear, did I say that?

Must have been a slip of the tongue.

Because I am not annoyed with you.

Oh, dear me, no.

I just thought we would do a bit of rehearsing.

But isn't that what you're going to ask me what for?

What for, Sergeant Major?

Good boy.

Nicely put.

Very polite.

What for, said this smart young soldier?

I will tell you.

It's Saturday afternoon.

There's nobody about.

Nobody can see you. So I thought we would rehearse the flag ceremony.

What is the flag ceremony, Lofty?

I don't know, Sergeant Major.

I will tell you, Lofty boy.

It happens when the sun is setting.

A detachment.

of hand -picked smart soldiers, salutes the Union Jack and lowers it while the

bugler plays the last post.

He's bringing tears to your eyes already, boy.

You've been eating onions.

Now, who is going to volunteer for this rehearsal?

Well, it might help you lovely boys to make up your minds when I tell you that

them that does not volunteer will be doubling around the barrack square in

service marching order until we are finished. That is what I love to see!

Keen soldiers!

Parade outside on the parade ground.

Get on parade!

Oh!

You old dozy idle fellow!

Rise and shine! And pull your damps!

And shit up straight with your punkering.

Revolution.

And don't be such clever dicky.

Sergeant Major is going to make the concert party pull down the onion jack.

in many bags of bull.

Why are they doing this, Rangi?

Are the British going to quit India like the way we have been suggesting by

throwing stones at them?

No, no, you ignorant coolie.

This is part of British empire way of life.

Have you not heard them say sun never set on British flag?

Uh -huh. You know how they're doing that?

Well, I'm telling you. They are jolly smart monkeys.

You know what they're doing? They are taking down flag.

After tea and before gin and tonic.

Right.

Pay attention.

Gunnarsagden, are you listening, Gunnarsagden?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Gunnarsagden, two paces forward, march!

I have been doing a bit of snooping at your records, and from that it

that Gunnarsagden here was for two years a member of the boys' bugle band.

Is that right?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

And, of course, he joined the army and we started to win the war.

You know what that is, don't you?

A bugle.

Good boy.

Now, do you know the tune of the last post?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

When I give the word...

You will play it.

There's just one thing, Sergeant Major. No arguments.

Stand over there and wait till I give the word.

Sergeant Major has given his trumpet to Lafty South.

Why is he doing this?

This is part of British code, Mohammed.

The British code?

True British gentleman never blows own trumpet.

knows how to present arms, don't you?

Even you, Mr. Lauderdale, going to Graham with your university education is

too stupid to do that, is you?

Well, we're rather inclined to do it at different speeds, Sergeant Major.

Different speeds, Sergeant Major?

What you may not have been learnt at Oxford and at Cambridge is how to fold

flag. Get a bomb on it.

Cop all of the two ends.

On command one, you will bring two ends together.

On command two, bring the right hand

down to the bottom corner.

Make sure to hold the top part secure with the thumb and forefinger of the

hand. On command three, bring both ends

horizontal once again.

He did, Sergeant Major. I was watching.

Shut up.

You were.

Back to faith!

You are doing it deliberate, aren't you?

Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but really, it's quite simple.

You're facing him, you see.

So when you use your right hand, he must use his left.

And vice versa, of course.

Thank you, Professor Einstein.

When I want your help, I will ask for it.

As you were.

One, two, three.

On a command, four, you will take three...

Yes, Sergeant Major.

What

are

you doing with your right foot?

It's my fault, Sergeant Major. I've been making him practice that for the

dancing cheek -to -cheek number.

My compliments to Ginger Rogers, you.

that if you do not put her right foot on the ground, she will be dancing cheek

to cheek in the glass house.

Go!

Oh, that lovely song.

Heaven, I'm in heaven.

Oh, oh, oh.

And my heart... Shut up!

If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's Indian music.

On the command five, you will commence to roll the flag.

Starting at the top.

Hey!

There. Now you'd better iron it before you use it again, otherwise it won't be

fit to be seen.

Why, we have still got some insanity left.

We will pass on to the actual loading ceremony.

Can I park it? Sir?

Stand by on the string.

Yes, sir.

The guard, Commander.

gives the order to present arms.

And when this maneuver has been completed, the spring man commences to

Union Jack slowly and relevantly while the bugler plays the last

post.

Is that clear?

Sergeant Major.

Shut up.

If I could make a suggestion, I could hum it, Sergeant Major.

the Union Jack will not be lowered while La -di -da Gunner Graham sings La -di

-da.

It will be lowered in a relevant silence.

What rotten to do? Our glorious Union Jack has got knotted?

Right! Now you will note that at the base of this piaster there is a pin.

I am going to extract that pin, whereupon the flagpole will fall right

there.

And you better catch it, because otherwise it will hammer you into the

a second who's halfway there already.

Can I pardon you?

Sir? Come by here.

Yes, sir.

You will stand by to take the pin when I have extracted it. Yes, sir.

Stand by.

Pin!

What an act. It broke the house down.

Here we are again.

Empty bucket.

I have good news.

Roof mending water coming tomorrow to take away hole.

Hey, Farah. Yes, sir.

This Krishna Godfarer you praise to, is he any good like?

Yes, sir, Mr. Sir.

Very good.

Very powerful and merciful, sir.

Just like your own God, only more sexy.

What I mean like is, When you praise to him, do it work?

Oh, yes, sir. If Krishna hear your prayer, it work every time, sir.

Unfortunately, in India, line very busy.

But, sir, if you want to get rid of hole, do not pray. Wait for roof

wall.

Krishna.

Hare... Hare Krishna.

I'm only an humble Satyam major.

I'm not very important.

I'm not very holy either.

But if you want a lifelong friend, help me, please.

Help me to get that bloody concert party up the jungle.

We must have a few gins tonight, Nigel. I wish you bon voyage.

Yes. I say, it's all rather sudden, isn't it? Well, that's how these things

happen, you know.

Anyway, 12 o 'clock tomorrow, and it's me for the other car.

But you won't actually be doing any of the fighting, of course, will you? No,

not this time. No, they put me in charge of welfare.

Oh, you mean billiard tables and things.

I don't see that.

They don't have billiard tables in the jungle.

I'm awfully sorry, sir.

They couldn't level them.

No, I think it's just books. and entertainment and the cinema and drafts

things. What a shame you won't be here tomorrow night to see the new show.

Yes, pity all of them. I didn't know you had a concert party.

What sort of things do they do?

They're doing a night in Havana.

Several of them dress up as girls.

Then this chap comes along selling peanuts.

And he sings, peanuts.

Sounds rather good.

I suppose I couldn't borrow them for a couple of weeks.

I don't think I could do that.

Oh, you could, sir. I mean, well, the dapple's not very full, sir, and them

boys up the jungle, they need joking and relaxation.

Yeah, they dress up as girls, you say?

Girls, sir?

They're lifelike. You can't tell them apart.

Really?

Yeah, well, of course, they don't have a roughage, you know.

They spend most of their time in the back of a three -tommer, have to sleep

the ground.

They'd revel in it, sir.

As long as they can entertain, you know, sir, it's in their blood, you see.

I suppose I could spare them for a week or two.

I tell you what, we'll get them to give an audition after tipping, and then you

can see if they're up to scratch.

I'll go and get her ready for it soon.

I want you to take a special chitty to the concert party, Basha.

Hey, that Krishna God, if he was, he's pretty good, isn't he?

Peanuts! Very good, very good indeed.

Of course, of course, we normally throw peanuts at the audience, but you being

officers, we didn't like to do that.

The commanding officer can be persuaded to let you go. You're absolutely right

for my orders.

Stay down for a minute.

Now!

Well done, boys. I'm proud of you. Carry on, Bombardier.

Here, raise it, raise it. Who is he, anyway?

Oh, Thab, he is B .I .C. B .I .C.? Ah, Thab, very important colonel.

He is from Denny Thab, and Sergeant Major Thab says that he is big C's in

entertainment and billy balls, isn't it?

A proper orchestra.

And sir, I will wear silver bang round turban and flower behind your own. Yeah,

of course. And I shall polish my tea urn and fill it with half a pound of very

best typhoon tips.

At long

last, I shall be a... Star. Yes, lovely boy, you will be a star. Get telling,

boys. The Colonel is very proud of you, and so am I.

You passed the audition with flying colours.

You mean he's going to let us go? Yes, he is.

He didn't want to, mind, but I persuaded him.

Gee, thanks, Sergeant Major.

Well, we've had our differences in the past, haven't we? But that's all over

now, isn't it?

Yeah, of course it is, Sergeant Major.

And to show there's no hard feelings.

I would like you to put a little request number in the show to remind you of me.

You name it, Sergeant Major.

Can I say that? Yes, Sergeant Major.

Do you know that lovely old song, Trees?

I think so.

How's it go?

I think that I shall never see...

You sing that song for me.

Because where you are going, the scenery will be just right.

Do you know where you were doing a show?

Up the jungle.

Shut up.

We thought he was an entertainment officer in Delhi. He was.

But now he's going to do shows deep, deep, deep in the jungle.

And you know he'll be waiting for you at the stage door going to Beaumont.

Lovely little sand -eyed Japanese.

Right. So yours you will order is Bombardier, the Royal Island. Artillery

concert party will report at 1200 hours on Monday, ready for moving off.

All except for Gunner Parkins, who will report sick tomorrow morning.

Report sick?

Why? What's wrong with me?

We don't know, boy.

That is why we have to see the M .O.

My dear sir, in this one I have put all your greasy paint.

Your buddy Flanagan's coat and hat, your Groucho Marxist spectacles, and your

Teddy Brown's tummy, sir.

What's that?

Sir, that is mine.

Where's the rest of your stuff?

Your stuff? That is all I have, sir.

Except for this one letter, sir, from Lieutenant Barber, to whom I was bearer

two years, sir.

And in it he writes that I am top old fellow and jolly good all -round chap.

All right, fellas, those that haven't can smoke.

Truck a beer in five minutes.

Look at that, Parkey.

Isn't that a beautiful sight?

I wish I was going with him.

Oh, you couldn't, boy.

Not in your state of health.

I didn't know Dandruff could be that serious.

Well, I suppose I'd better bid him a fond farewell.

we shall be forever parted. Oh, dearie me, he is saying goodbye to groups.

My eyes will cry.

This has been a very entertaining week.

On 23rd, Bomadier Solomons tried to bribe the

M .O. to say he was not fit.

This failed because the M .O. would not accept stage money.

24th,

Gunner Macintosh pretended that he had gone do -la -dee -tap and ran around the

camp shouting, I am mad, I am bonkers, take me away.

Nobody noticed any difference, so this did not work either.

Carry on, Sergeant Matros.

Something is doing.

Carbs are rushing about like their flies are blue.

Is this some kind of a disease?

Like do -be -sitch, only makes them run much faster.

Now the best attempt yet.

Gunner Beaumont applied to the trick cyclist for a discharge on the grounds

he was psychologically unfit for military service.

That did not work either, because rumour has it that the trick cyclist is also

psychologically unfit for military service.

It takes one to know one.

Well, lovely boys, the sands is running out.

Your transport is ticking over at the vehicle depot.

I have replaced the distributor arm that disappeared during the night.

No, sir.

Shut up.

The tyres have been reflated.

And it only remains for me to say, au revoir, adieu, goodbye, or as we says in

Wales, toot -de -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee

-dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee

-dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee

-dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -de Millford is that way.

About 6 ,000 miles.

I just had this letter from a friend of mine in Delhi.

It appears the papers are on the way, posting Captain Ashford and I up the

jungle.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, sir.

Excuse me asking, you haven't got the actual papers yet, so why are you

now? Well, if we go with the concert party, our posting will have to be

on to us. And if we move quickly, they'll never catch up, and we can come

here.

The whole thing would have blown over.

Well, I'll miss you, sir.

Oh, you'd better come along as well.

Oh, with a concert party? Yes, of course.

Sir.

What's going to happen to Gunner Parkin? Oh, bring him along too.

Park your kit, Gunner.

Yes, sir.

What about more danger?

Soon clear up in the jungle.

All right, fellas.

Start loading.

That's it.

So, cheer up, shall we? It might be quite nice.

But at least there's one consolation.

We'll get away from old Sergeant Major Shutter. Hold it!

What is it? Has the posting been cancelled?

No, lovely boy, the posting has not been cancelled.

I am coming with you.

There is one very old Hindu proverb which says that when you have cholera

beriberi and your wife is having congress with best friend...

It does not stop your house from catching fire.

The boys are here, the boys do entertain you.

B -O -Y -S, boys do entertain you.