Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey. With songs and sketches and jokes going anew with us about you

and Bill Blue. So meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain

you. B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

The gang cause the boys are here.

Boys to entertain you.

With the music and laughter to help you on your way.

that terrible noise.

Pull the string with your hand and shit up straight when you're punkering.

Where do you think you are, for God's sake?

Oh, I can't stand people singing out of tune, especially this morning when my

head is beating like a thousand drums.

Oh, dear, I had too much bugle party last night.

Oh, I've got such terrible pullover.

Oh, Salon Parking, sir.

Hello, Randy. Is the battery storage at Major in his office? No, sir.

He is inspecting the whitewash.

Oh, I got a message he wanted to see me.

Will you tell him that I was here if you see him? All right, sir, sir, I'll tell

him. Thanks. Come, sir.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Such trouble with parking, sir, and Sergeant Major, sir.

What trouble?

Well, Sergeant Major, sir, swore me to complete secrecy, so I will tell only

you.

Come this way.

I don't want this fellow to hear because he is nosy parker.

If I say you're nosy parker, you're nosy parker.

Oh, shut up.

Now tell me about the sergeant major, sir.

Well, parking, sir, is heavenly issue of his line.

I don't understand.

Heavenly issue of his line.

Like the government issue? All along.

I will start from the start.

Twenty years ago, Sergeant Major Saab was stationed in England at a place

Colchester, which is very famous British military cantonment.

One particular day, he's strolling in the bazaar when he sees one beautiful

English native girl buying a sari in a store called Marky Spence.

Where was I?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Well, their eyes are meeting, and oh, my God, it is enchantment first sight.

So, they jump into Tanga, drive a whips up horse, and in ten minutes, they're in

London. In beautiful garden called Covent.

Also in this garden is one palace called Lacano Stretum.

he takes it to another beautiful garden called Wimbledon, come on.

Ah, Wimbledon, come on.

And in this garden is one heavenly enchanted tree called Shepherd's Bush.

And they are seated under this tree and fountain and music are playing and oh my

gosh, it is too much for them and they sink into each other's arms.

Oh -ho -ho. Oh -ho -ho.

Next day, he is sailing to India, leaving behind heavenly issue of his

Not bastards

at all.

Only mummy, daddy not married yet.

That is done. Oh, so right.

Now, tell me.

How does Sergeant Major Saab know that Parkin Saab is his son?

Well, when Parkin Saab came over here from Blighty, Sergeant Major Saab saw

photograph of his mother. And it was the same beautiful English native girl that

he saw in bazaar in Colchester.

Sure. But how did you know about all this? Sergeant Major Saab and I are like

brothers, you know. We are just like brothers.

What the hell is going on here?

Move yourself, move yourself.

Just going, sir, just going.

What a terrible brother to have.

What was you saying to that charwalla?

Nothing, sir, only tittle -tattle.

While we were tittle -tattling, your son, Gunner Parkin, came to see you.

Don't ever refer to him as my son again.

Son, make it up. Depot orders clearly state you must not strangle camp

personnel.

Nobody must ever know, especially Gunner Parkin.

You haven't told him, have you? Oh, no, Sergeant Major Saab.

But, Sergeant Major Saab, it must be such a terrible struggle for you. With

this fatherly love boiling up in your insides, and you want to par it over

It is all bubbling up inside you like hot ghee.

And you must want all time to put your arms around him, but all you can do is

bawl and shout into his ear hole.

Sergeant Major Saab, how do you hold yourself back?

Well, when you've been in the army as long as I have, You learned control.

Iron control.

Oh, Sergeant Major Sharp, you're idle.

What? You are my idle.

You have stiff upper lip and stiff upper backbone, isn't it? You are truly the

big stiff.

You open you a trap about this and you'll be stiff.

In a coffin six foot under. No, Sergeant Major Sharp, I would never believe the

word. Is there anything else I could do for you, sir? Yes.

He's off asleep. Kick him up the jock seat. That's a thought.

Now, look here, lovely boy.

Sergeant Major Stubbs has instructed me to kick you on posterior.

But as I'm a very humane man, I will remove my shoe.

Now, here is another one from me for being such a nosy pucker.

Take out Bud Marsh tomorrow, here.

Ruddy concrete bump.

What is that there, Sergeant Major?

Electric club. fans, sir. Ah, so they started to issue them at last. They

certainly take their time, don't they?

I didn't know we were being issued with electric fans.

Why didn't you? The order came through a few weeks ago from GHQ Delhi.

All punker wallows to be replaced by electric fans.

Well, time to, sir.

Them punker wallows are an idle lot.

How's that, sir? Oh, marvelous. Certainly cools the place down. Better

punker, eh, Ashford?

Absolutely first class.

You can't beat progress, sir.

While you're at it, Sergeant Major, put in for a couple of fans in the theatre

while you get so awfully hot under those lights.

Surely, sir, there are more important places to keep cool than the theatre.

Why have you got such a down on the concert party, Sergeant Mater?

They've no right to be here, sir.

They should all be posted up the jungle.

Besides, I cannot bear to see men dressed up as women.

While we're on the subject of the concert party, I cannot understand why

wanted to have Gunnar Park in with it.

Well, I think he's got a lot of talent, sir. Well, I don't agree with you.

He messes up everything he's in.

Take that thing the other night, that number where they were all dressed up as

flappers. What was it called, Washburn?

Ashwood, sir. Yes, I know. What was it called?

How Do You Do, Little Girl.

What? Oh, How Do You Do, Little Girl.

Well,

I mean, he had his ladies' things hanging right down.

Most unnatural.

Women don't look like that at all.

After all, we must preserve the illusion.

Exactly. Let's hope he does better in the new number. What's it called?

A Pretty Girl is Like a Melody. Ah, yes. They're all dressed up as film stars,

aren't they?

Yes, that's right, sir. Betty Grable, Rita Hayworth, Ginger Rogers, Jane

and Esther Williams.

I think the whole idea is absolutely crazy.

What do you think of the idea?

I don't like to think about it, sir. It makes me feel sick. Oh, right.

It's not natural, sir.

Men dressing up as women.

Maybe not, Sergeant Major. But in times of war, one has to do some rather

strange things.

Now, look at it this way.

Supposing, only supposing, mind, that I was to sing to you, If you were the

only boy, I was the only boy.

I mean, it wouldn't make any sense, would it?

No, sir.

But if you were dressed as a woman, and I was dressed as a man, that would be

different. See what I mean?

Exactly.

I thought you put that very well, Ashwood. Thank you very much, sir. Not

All right, fellas, all right. Back up your petition.

You ready for the Ruski? Ready, sir. Give me a nice fancy intro. Right.

How's that?

Lovely.

Right, stand by, Lofty. Right. Now, Atlas, your cue is when I say,

the world's most glamorous mermaid.

Right. That's you.

When you say, introducing the world's most glamorous mermaid, I come on. Yeah,

that's right. And then I say, Esther Williams.

Right, and then you start to walk down the apples and pears. Right? From the

top. Maestro?

A pretty girl is just like a pretty

tune.

Introducing the world's most glamorous mermaid, Angel Williams.

Hey, Solly, Solly, Solly, can I ask a question?

Hold it, hold it, Tyrone. What's the matter?

What am I going to be wearing for this?

Oh, a swimming costume and a bathing cap.

A bathing cap?

Why can't I wear a wig?

There aren't enough wigs to go around.

What about, Solly, what about up here?

Bung in a couple of mangoes.

Solly, I'm allergic to mangoes.

Mangoes, mangoes, make it a couple of oranges.

I think grapefruits would be better.

She's a well -built girl, Lester. All right, let's make it grapefruit.

It's all that swimming that does it.

All right, all right, oh, God. Why doesn't he put in a couple of melons to

done with it?

Well, it's a travesty. That's what it is, a travesty.

Esther Williams, him, looks more like Boris Karloff.

Well, why aren't I doing Esther Williams?

Because you're Ginger Rogers. You can't do every part.

There was a time when I was the only one in this show dressed up as a woman. Now

they're all having a go. It's too much, Dolly, I tell you, it's too much. Calm

down, Gloria.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I mean, I asked myself, what am I doing

I'm going to ask you.

She's having one of her turns. Do the necessary.

I'll get me more. Yeah.

Gloria, you're getting hysterical.

I am not getting hysterical. All I'm saying is, what am I doing here? I

shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be in the army in the first place.

I told them that when I was called up. What'd they say? They'd pass me A1.

A1, me and my nerves.

Then what'd they do? They put me in the artillery.

Me as greasy gunner. Having to drag those great big heavy guns around and

those hot shells.

Look at my hands. Look at them. They're covered entirely up.

That's what we did, Sam. He makes me nervous.

See what you're doing? You're upsetting my artist.

Well, I can't help my nerve. Are you quite finished? I would like to get on

the rehearsal.

Feel free. Are you going to have another turn? No, I'm fine. Are you sure? Yes,

I'm sure. Right.

Now, to Parkey.

Parkey, you're Rita Raworth. And for God's sake, don't trip up when you come

You're all right, Solly. Now, Solly.

I'm sorry what happened in the how -do -you -do little girl number the other

night. I'll keep practising this till I get it right. Yeah, well, you make sure

you do.

Now, on with it, Solomon.

I'd like to have a word with you in private.

What do you want?

You're not putting him in the number, are you?

If I don't, we'll be one short.

Well, he's useless. He can't do anything.

Pretend we're not talking about him.

What can I do? The sergeant major wants him in a concert party. Why does he want

him in a concert party?

He's put him in a spinus, that's what.

I must speak to you on a most urgent matter.

Oh, blimey. All right, fellas, take ten. What is it, Randy? Sir, this man, oh,

this man Ramdan is a bonkawalla to battery officer.

And he is a very loyal fellow.

Why, he has been bonkawalla since he was so young.

In fact, he comes from a long string of bonkawallas.

His father was bonkawalla.

And his father's father was Pankawala before him. And his great, great, great,

great, great, great grandfather was Pankawala to Clive of India when he was

plain Clive.

Before he was of India.

And when that naughty Maharaja put British in black hole of Calcutta, his

great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather tried to keep them cool.

He blew through keyhole with straw.

Randy, I'm sure if you say so, he's a very nice fellow, but I'm trying to

rehearse. But, sir, I'm trying to tell you that after all this, they have given

him sacks up, told him to go judge out, and they are going to replace him with

an electric fanny.

He has got one wife, eight children, and most loving concubine to support.

Oh, he says he's got two loving concubines to support.

I think it's a jolly good idea to do away with punkers.

It's not right to a man to sit out there pulling a string all day just to keep

officers cool.

It's very degrading. But it is more degrading to staff, sir.

If it would help, we could always take the concubines off his hands.

I always thought concubines were those little animals with spikes on their

backs.

They're porcupines.

Granny, I'm very sorry, but I would like to get on with my rehearsal. But, sir,

sir, we have come to ask your help because you're so clever.

You're our mother, father, moon and star.

Oh, well, since you put it like that, yeah.

And begin it with it.

While we're in here, I get very hot singing me songs and doing me gestures.

There's no punkering here for him to punker. Oh, yes, yes, sir. If you engage

him, he will bring his own punker and string.

Why not?

All right, all right, fellas, all right, that's settled. We'll give him one

rupee a week each. That's eight rupees, right? Twelve shillings a week?

You can't ask a human being to sit out there in that heat pulling a string all

day for twelve shillings a week.

It's slave labour.

You're right. You give him two rupees.

Seven rupees a week is very handsome wage. No, no, eight rupees.

Oh, no, no, no, sir, because there is my commission. And then there is the fifth

annas a week he must pay me, sir, because he's my second wife, fourth

half -brother, you see.

Marvelous, we're 12 ,000 miles away from Charing Cross Road, and we still can't

get away from agents.

What did he say?

He said he would rather give us one of the concubines.

What do you think you're doing?

Stand still!

Bombardier. Sir. What is that punk of a waller doing out there?

Well, as you didn't need him, sir, we thought we'd take him on. Shut up!

Devil orders clearly state that British other ranks will not have punkers.

Punkers are for officers, warrant officers, class one and two only. Any

questions? Yes, sir.

How are we supposed to keep cool, Sergeant Major?

How are we supposed to keep cool, Sergeant Major?

Well, Mr. Lardy Dark and the Graham, you do not keep cool, you sweat.

You ought to be grateful.

Back home, a Turkish bath would cost you ten bob.

Out here, you can have it for nothing.

Night and day.

What are you doing, Vera?

Just doing a little dusting. Shut up and get on with it.

Right, lovely boys.

Let's have a look at you.

What have we got here?

Is it a mushroom?

No.

Is it a soldier?

No.

It's kind of sudden.

Why are you swaying, boy?

If I stand in one place too long, I get dizzy.

Have you been taking your salt tablets? No, Sergeant Major, they make me feel

sick.

Well, how dare you?

Depot orders clearly state that British other ranks will take salt tablets three

times a day.

Stand still.

Bearer. It's up.

At Piala Tundapani, Jillon.

It's up.

Now, for those amongst you...

Do not borrow the native Urdu.

I just asked the bearer to fetch me a cup of cold water.

They didn't learn you that at university, did they?

No, Sergeant Major. No, Sergeant Major.

What did they learn you?

Well, actually, I got a degree in English literature, Sergeant Major.

That is the trouble with the world today.

Too much useless education flying about.

Now, boy, you're going to take your salt tablets.

But I haven't got them with me.

Don't worry about that. I'm in a generous mood today.

Hold your hand out, lovely boy.

But it tastes so salty.

Well, you know why that is, don't you?

Cos they're made of bloody salt!

Start swallowing. Eh?

Don't.

Substrate?

Fine pair of shoulders you got there, boy?

Sure not. Sure not.

Excuse me,

madam.

I didn't know there was ladies present.

Shut up! Go on, move yourself, move yourself, move yourself!

You!

If

somebody

had told me ten years ago today that one day I would be in charge of a bunch of

poofs...

their faces cavort about on the stage and dress up as women, I would not have

believed them.

But lo, it has come to pass.

However, your time is running out.

Because hanging above your heads is the sword of Dam... Dam... Damocles. I know

what sword I'm talking about.

Anyhow, whatever it is, it's hanging there.

One of these days, I'll get you posted up that jungle so fast your feet won't

touch the ground!

Oh, dear.

Get rid of that punker. If he's not off this camp one hour from now, them

stripes will be off your arm.

But we don't want to upset the natives, sir. Shut up!

Debo orders clearly state that all punker wallets will be replaced by

fans. We are the masters here.

We British have been in India for 200 years.

And we'll be here another 200 if I have anything to do with it.

We will not be dictated to by a bunch of ragged -ass wire -pulling piker

-wallers.

God bless the noble king.

England and Cortland, not forgetting Wales.

How did the light go off like that?

Camp must be blacked out. Come on, lads, light the lamps. What's up?

Very grave news.

Yeah, what's happened, Randy? What's up? When Pankawala Razman was sacked up,

all other Pankawalas walked out of camp when they heard that they were to be

replaced by electric fannies.

You mean they've gone on strike?

Yes, sir. They have withdrawn their strings.

Why have the lights gone out?

Because... when the electricity workers at Pile Station heard of it, they cut

off all power to camp them.

What's going on here?

The lights went out in the middle of the show and we had to cancel it.

Good.

Right, Bombardier, I want you over to the battery office right away. There is

state of emergency.

The rest of you, stand by. Rifles, bayonets, steel helmets, wash that muck

your faces, get into uniform and try and look like soldiers.

And the Parkins. Sir?

You're in charge here.

Me, soldier?

You're in charge.

Oh, but you, that's on you. Come on. Oh, shouldn't I get changed? No, no, we

haven't got time for that. Come on, come on. And you, Madam Chunk, I said, move

yourself, move yourself.

Johnny, Johnny!

I am down here.

Oh, what a damn shame.

All the lights in the theatre going out like that.

Right in the middle of the Limehouse Blues number.

Jolly catchy song, that.

Oh, Limehouse Blues, you keep getting me down.

Oh, it's dead hot in here. No punko, no fan, it's like an oven.

Come in.

If only GHQ hadn't started this fan business, we wouldn't be in this mess.

I quite agree, sir.

Come in. Oh, see who it is. I shall do it. Right.

Pardon me? There's no one here.

Hello. Someone's left a note.

It's addressed to you, sir.

What did it say?

British pigs go home.

Evening, gentlemen.

Evening, Baywater.

Evening, sir.

Jolly good show tonight, chaps.

Thank you very much, sir.

You two, stand over there. Don't speak unless you're spooned. No, sir.

Anything I can do, sir? I wish you could do something about this heat. It's

getting unbearable.

Leave that to me, sir. Bearer? No.

Well, get some buckets of parney.

Throw them against the outside walls. Plenty of parney. Marlowe? Mr. Marlowe,

sir. Jolly, jolly.

Face down, sir.

You'll learn his little wrinkles when you've been out east as long as I have.

Captain Ashford?

Hello, Inspector Singh here.

Oh, hello, old boy.

Hello, boy.

And what can I do for you?

A bit of flap on, I'm afraid.

Um, the Funkerwall is you dismissed.

The court's a bit of a storm in a teacup.

The electricity workers have now come out on strike.

And the workers at the telephone exchange are thoroughly browned out.

What a damned...

Mind, Sergeant Major, I'm on the phone.

Break a palm, sir.

It's hard to play here.

There's an awful lot of marching about with banners and shouting and throwing

stones.

Electricity workers are marching around to the telephone exchange to bring them

out as well.

Fortunately, it'd take them at least an hour to get there.

Hello?

Hello?

My taxi.

They've cut the telephone off, sir.

They're getting damn serious.

Seems to me we'll have to have those punkawollas back.

With respect, sir, we can't do that. If we back down now, we shall lose face.

More party!

Jolly, jolly!

It's our more party coming up, sir.

Why don't you let me take a body of men down there, sir? I'd sooner run back to

work. Look, we're not living in Victorian times. We need to curry favour

these Indians, as it were.

I mean, it's damn serious, you know.

Excuse me, sir.

May I have a word?

No, you may not. Stand still and shut up.

Go on, Bobadilla.

Well, sir, my friend and I have been thinking, haven't we? Oh, yes, we've

thinking. The problem, as I see it, sir, is this.

GHQ have ordered you to put in fans, and this will put the punkawalas out of

work, correct?

Correct. Well, I think I have thought of a way where we can have the fans and

not get rid of the punkawalas.

All I need is a paper and pencil and a half an hour of your time.

Ah, George, you're a very clever fellow. I don't know what we'd do without him,

eh, sir?

Bear with the water, sir.

Bear with it! More party!

So there you are, sir. This is how I've managed to solve your little problem.

The punk -a -whalla pedal, and this in turn, excuse me, sir, this in turn makes

the fan in the office go round.

So you see, progress and tradition go hand in hand.

Stop, Helen.

Thank you, sir.

Very ingenuous, sir.

There's just one thing, though, sir.

The punker waller has to work twice as hard, though he must be kept cool. Oh,

quite. In Asheron?

Oh, rather, sir. Must keep the poor chap cool.

So, sir, you will notice, above this punker waller is a punker.

This, in turn, excuse me, sir, is worked by another punker waller.

Come on, keep punkering, lovely boy.

Don't forget, you only got your job because you are my second cousin's

And you must pay me my commission every Friday.

Oh, kind sir, my heart is burst into fullness to think that this...

of British and the tradition of the Indian.

Oh, tell me, good sir, how can the sun ever set on this most glorious of

empires?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Help B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you!