Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[birds chirping]

[engine rumbling]

["The Seeker" by The Who playing]

♪ I've looked under chairs ♪

♪ I've looked under tables ♪

♪ I've tried to find the key ♪

♪ To fifty million fables They call me the seeker... ♪

[Jeremy] As the summer heat descended on Diddly Squat...

♪ I've been searching low and high ♪

[Jeremy] ...Charlie retired to his office to get quotes

for building our new farm-shop car park.

♪ I won't get to get what I'm after ♪

♪ Till the day I die ♪

[Jeremy] This was now extremely urgent

as the summer visitors had arrived and were whiling away the hours up there,

tucking into burgers made with our beef...

[waitress] Thanks a lot.

[Jeremy] ...and drinking not only my Hawkstone lager...

[woman] Cheers.

[Jeremy] ...but also Kaleb's new Hawkstone Cider.

-There you go. Enjoy. -Thank you very much, sir.

[Jeremy] And me?

[Jeremy] Yes!

Oh, look at these! These are spectacular!

[Jeremy] Well, I was now the mushroom king of Chipping Norton,

delivering them every day to a range of farm shops and pubs in the area.

[Jeremy] Busy, busy, busy.

[Jeremy] Mushrooms are what I provided for the crew's lunch.

Every day.

For a month.

And they're all I could ever talk about.

[Jeremy] You take the bags out from where they're growing now,

when they've stopped flushing. I think they do three flushes.

-[Annie] Okay. -Then you take them outside

- and they continue to just grow outside. - Okay.

But you put new bags in.

Okay.

[Jeremy] A pause in proceedings was coming, though,

because as I'd just explained so rivetingly to Annie,

the bags I'd originally bought were exhausted

and needed to be cleared out,

so I could replace them with some new ones.

[Lisa] Let's put them down this end while we still have strength

because by the end of it, we don't wanna go walk all down there.

-[Jeremy] Yes. I see. -So let's put them over yonder.

-[Jeremy] Hi, Charlie. -Hi.

-[Jeremy] How are you? -I'm very well. Er...

-[Jeremy] You don't sound it. -Well, it's not great news,

-I'm afraid. -[Jeremy] There's a surprise.

Hum...

So...

I had three quotes back for the car park.

[Jeremy] Yeah?

The first one is sort of, you know, 67,

-plus... -[Jeremy] What?

No... Plus some provisional sums, you know,

for this and for that, because they're not quite sure.

The next one is 80, plus a bit.

-And then... -£80,000?

[Charlie] And then the one that actually I think is most sort of complete

because it includes the new highway entrance...

-Yeah? -£94,127.

For a car park?

For car park and a new entrance.

-We're providing all the stone? -We've got the stone.

[Charlie stuttering]

-But we're providing. There's no... -There's no cost.

And stone is the horrendous, you know, you know...

But we have the stone!

[Charlie] We've got it! We've got £50,000 worth of stone in the...

-Is that...? -[Charlie] That's what it would be.

-£97,000? -[Charlie] £94,000.

-[Jeremy] Ninety? -Even I was astounded.

Ninety! Oh come on.

I mean, I thought worst-case scenario,

a car park, when we provide the stone,

-£20,000? -[Charlie] Yeah.

Why don't we do it?

No, I mean, seriously, how hard can it be to build, I know I've said that before,

but really, to build a car park?

-Move soil. -Yeah, you scrape the soil off,

put some of that plastic sheeting down to stop the weeds coming through and so on.

-[Charlie] Yeah. -[Lisa] Is this gonna take long?

Yeah, this is serious. Honestly.

-Our stone. -Yeah. Move the stone.

-And then we get a bit of gravel. -Yeah.

So we need to hire a bulldozer, a roller.

-[Charlie] Kaleb. -[Jeremy] Kaleb.

[Lisa] Do you want a cup of tea?

No, honestly, this is really serious. Sorry. I'll be with you in a minute.

[Charlie] I mean...

We're gonna have to do it ourselves. I've got to get on and do this.

Well, you know I'm apprehensive about, you know, but...

You're always apprehensive, Charlie.

But this time, this time, actually, I think...

-[Jeremy] We can do it ourselves. -[Lisa sighing]

[Jeremy] After Lisa had helped me load the bags...

[heavy breathing]

[Lisa] Fuck's sake.

[Jeremy] ...we took them to our new compost bed,

because if we put them on that,

there was a chance mushrooms would continue to grow out of them.

Shall I take them out and you can carry them over?

-Does that work? -No, we'll just do them individually.

Okey-dokey

[Lisa] Really?

[Jeremy] God!

[Lisa] I think I'm gonna take a few out at a time.

'Cause otherwise we're gonna be here all night.

[Jeremy sighs]

[Lisa] All day, all night.

[sighing frustratedly]

[Jeremy panting]

[Lisa] Do we have to dig them in a bit or just plonk them?

[phone beeping]

[Jeremy groans]

[Jeremy] An email.

That doesn't work with a glove on. Hang on.

I'll take it off.

This is from the mushroom testing people.

[Lisa] Oh! Yes?

[Jeremy] God.

"Before dehydrated mushrooms can be sold", your lion's mane, basically,

"a bacterial and water activity test must be done

"through the UKAS UK Accredited Science

"to determine the water and bacteria..." [Jeremy's voice fades out]

[soft music]

[Jeremy] Knowing Lisa's attitude to paperwork,

I left her to carry on unloading the mushrooms

and set about filling in the necessary forms myself.

"Proposed target shelf life including date of production?"

One month.

"What's the CCP of this product?"

CCP.

"What is the CCP?" It says it's the Chinese Communist Party.

What?

"What is the controlling factor for Clostridium botulinum?"

I don't fucking know!

[tense music]

[Jeremy] Having filled out the forms to the best of my abilities

and bagged up a sample...

There you go.

[Jeremy] ...I sent everything off to the mushroom police.

Brilliant!

[Jeremy] Then, after Lisa and I had disinfected the mushroom bunker

and restocked it with new bags...

[Lisa] And are we gonna keep going with this?

[Jeremy] Bloody right we are!

[Jeremy] ...we waited for a day when the shop was closed anyway,

assembled the Diddly Squat Avengers...

[epic music]

...and set about building our cut-price car park.

Right. Gather round, everyone.

We've mowed it already. Have you seen?

[Alan] Yes, I've seen.

Is there a measurement for how much space a car...

Yeah, there is. We need about 2.4 by 4.8.

-4.8 m? -[Alan] Longways.

So you've got 74 parks, haven't you?

The disabled ones are a different size.

They're 6 m by 3 m.

And if any more disabled come, they can come out here.

-This is tarmac. -OK, yeah.

-It's nice for their wheelchairs. -[Kaleb] We've got another entrance.

You've got another entrance and you've got a push-bike rack.

[Jeremy] Cycle parking?

Well. Motorcycle, ain't it?

Why don't we just put a sign up saying "No Cyclists"?

-I'm with that. Good idea. -[Jeremy] I'm with that.

[Kaleb] Quick question, though. How long is this gonna take?

'Cause, I mean, we're in July now. Just in terms of my timescale.

-How long is it gonna take? -A month.

It won't take a month!

20 days. A build is 20 days, ain't it?

Five days a week. We're not coming Saturday 'cause it's open.

I've gotta go to church on a Sunday!

[all laughing]

[Jeremy] We're gonna have this done in two days.

No, we're not.

-[Jeremy] We are! -No! Now stop it!

[Lisa laughing]

-I can't see what's the... -[Alan] No! Stop it!

[Kaleb] Chief, calm down.

What's up with him? Two days!

[tense music]

[Jeremy] To meet my two-day deadline,

we needed, first of all, to remove all the topsoil.

So, Kaleb got to work with his digger.

[Alan] Go back a bit. Go on.

[Jeremy] I put myself in charge of soil removal with the dumper.

Right, now stop. Let go of the right and use your left.

[Jeremy] And Lisa got a crash course on how to operate the 14-tonner.

[Alan] Up. That's backwards to you. Now down.

[Alan] Actually, that's spot-on.

Yep. Thanks, Alan.

[Jeremy] Certainly she preferred Alan as an instructor to me.

You might want to move your digger.

Lisa?

-Lisa? -Yeah?

[Jeremy] If you move your whole digger 3 ft forwards it'll help.

-Lisa? -Yes!

[Jeremy] No, you haven't really got a load there.

[Lisa] Are you just gonna stand there and criticise the entire afternoon?

You and your hi-vis, would you "feck" off?

[tense music]

[Jeremy] Come the morning of the second and final day,

we had removed nearly most of the topsoil

and had begun to lay the plastic sheeting.

So I felt confident we'd get everything done

by the time the shop opened again the following morning.

[tense country music]

♪ I'm a digger driver ♪

Alan?

-When do you start needing the stone? -Now.

-Now? -[Alan] ASAP.

'Cause if it turns wet...

[Jeremy] Putting Lisa on the dump truck,

Kaleb and I hurried over to the Diddly Squat quarry.

[Jeremy] So just to remind everybody, the stone that Kaleb's loading up now

is what we dug to build the farm track

that the council then said we couldn't have.

The upside of that is we got a lot of stone left over

which we can use to make the car park, which they also said we couldn't have.

Some time today would be good, Kaleb.

[Jeremy on radio] Am I nearly full?

Yeah, you impatient fuck.

[Jeremy] Hey, Kaleb? I've had an idea.

What's that?

[Jeremy] We need someone to drive your tractor.

[Kaleb] It would be easier.

I'll stay on the digger then and just load.

Well, guess who's just pulled up?

[upbeat country music]

[Jeremy on radio] Okay, Lisa and Alan, incoming.

[Alan on radio] Incoming, yeah, mate. Keep going. Keep coming.

OK. Beautiful.

Go in top gear and go get me another one quickly.

[Jeremy on radio] Nice surprise on who's driving the next tractor.

[epic rock music]

[honking]

[Alan laughing] Gerald!

This is the full Diddly Squat army out today. I like it.

[epic rock music continues]

[Kaleb on radio] Gerald, that was the best bit of reversing

I've ever seen on this farm, mate.

[Gerald chuckles]

[Gerald on radio] Yeah.

[Gerald speaks indistinctly]

[tense music]

[Gerald on radio] Hello. Copy.

[Alan on radio] Yeah, I got you, Gerald. What's up?

No, they were just asking me how long is it gonna take to move all this rubble.

[Gerald speaks indistinctly on radio]

[Alan on radio] All week the way it's going, but it'll be all right.

Once we get rolling, it'll be all right. You'll be surprised.

[Alan speaks indistinctly]

It turns out that Alan speaks fluent Gerald.

The two of them can have proper conversations.

[Gerald speaks indistinctly]

And they are bloody good mates.

And Alan, while Gerald was ill, was really, really a good mate.

They've known each other for donkey's years, those two.

[engine rumbling]

[Jeremy] Up at the car park,

Lisa was now using a machine which she liked very much.

[Lisa] Oh yes.

Yes, fabulous. Ooh.

[rumbling continues]

-[honking] -[Alan] Slow down!

Slow down? Sorry. OK... I don't wanna slow down.

[sighing]

[Jeremy] However, as much as Lisa was enjoying life on her cab seat,

I must say, I wasn't on mine.

[moaning in pain]

And it wasn't just me either.

Oh, bloody hell!

I'm not sure how much longer Gerald will be able to do this.

It's quite bouncy and tiring.

Are you all right? 'Cause that bouncing...

[Gerald] No, I can't do no more today like that.

-It's last bit, innit? -[Jeremy] Yeah.

We will manage. I don't know how, but we will manage.

[epic music]

[Jeremy] With Gerald gone, we gave it our best shot.

But we were now down to one trailer, which, if I'm honest,

was a bit too small.

So, soon I realised we were going to miss my deadline.

Kaleb, realistically, we're not gonna get this done today, are we?

[Kaleb on radio] No, you won't get all of it done, no.

Fuck.

Well, we can't transport this stone when the shop is open,

'cause we'd run over, I don't know, six children a day.

And that would go on the news, I know it would.

[Jeremy] As night began to fall,

our drone revealed that we'd been valiant,

but that Alan may have had a point.

We're gonna be here next week now, aren't we?

Ha!

[soft orchestral music]

[Jeremy] As the shop wouldn't be closed again for another five days,

I used the time to take care of some pressing matters.

Job one: the pigs.

The sows were due to give birth in a couple of weeks.

And, worried that the previous piglet deaths

had been caused by them being squashed...

Did you get laid on?

[Jeremy] Wow! She's just sat on another one.

[Lisa sighing]

[Jeremy] ...I called a meeting with the chaps who'd designed the pigloos.

So we lost 14 pigs

out of 34.

OK. So a high mortality.

[Jeremy] And I had a thought

that the piglets tend to lie like this along the side of it.

But when Unit,

-who is called Unit for a reason... -[men chuckling]

...lies down, she's that shape. That's her back.

-[man] Yes. -[Jeremy] See what I mean?

And they were being squidged.

You need to move her away from the wall of the hut,

-move her away... -Exactly. So I had a thought.

What if there was a bit like that

so that the piglets could lie in here and the mum could lie there?

-If she squidges against the side... -[man] Yeah.

They won't be squidged.

Yeah. OK.

Do you think that would be possible?

So what you'd have is you'd have, if this is a side profile of your hut,

you'd have a ring that sat like this.

And then your leg that would come down like that.

[man] Like a rail.

-Or something. -A halo, effectively.

And it's retrofittable to what you've already got.

That would be fantastic.

[Jeremy] With the pig men despatched,

I then turned my mind to the next farming the unfarmed scheme:

Bambi.

In recent years, Diddly Squat had been overrun with deer.

And, as they cause enormous damage to young trees,

we, along with other landowners and farmers,

had been asked by the government to reduce their numbers.

I therefore contacted Hugh, a local hunter,

who also happens to be chairman of the Deer Society.

[Hugh] It falls on us to manage the deer numbers in this country.

And part of our role is training people to manage deer properly

-to the highest standards of welfare. -[Jeremy] And the fact is,

the deer population is now getting too big.

[Hugh] Yeah, which it is.

[Jeremy] Which it is. And the people are planting trees like these...

-[Hugh] Yeah. -And then the deer eat them.

[Hugh] Well, I think that the story that needs to be told

is that if you are going to shoot a deer,

it's for all the right reasons

coupled with the fact that you're only gonna do it

if you are completely confident

that you can do it in as humane a manner as possible.

[Jeremy] Up at the farm, Hugh showed me how to assemble a hunting rifle.

This is gonna be the most manly thing ever shown on television.

[metal scraping]

[screwing]

[rifle cocking]

[metal clicking]

[screwing] [cocking]

[Jeremy] With the flat-pack gun assembled,

we set off for some target practice.

[Jeremy] So how far away is the target?

[Hugh] Um, that's probably gonna be about a hundred yards?

-[Jeremy] No, it's more. -90 yards?

[Jeremy] No, it's more than that. Say it's more than that for the cameras.

-[Hugh] Sorry. -300 yards, I'd say that target?

[Hugh] At least. And a very strong crosswind.

[Jeremy] Yeah. 300 yards with a strong crosswind.

[Hugh] You're gonna do well to hit that.

[Jeremy] I can barely hold my finger up in this gale.

[Jeremy] As we prepared for my practice,

Hugh explained some more about the need for good deer management.

Where there are overpopulations of deer,

we have seen body weights of deer

way below the average of what they should be.

And when they are managed properly, the body weights come up.

-[Jeremy] They're thin? -The weight is below what it should be.

I mean, you know, it does create a welfare issue

when you have too dense a population, yeah.

And it's a weird world in which we now live,

because there's an overpopulation of deer.

Yeah.

The only realistic way you can reduce deer numbers is with a rifle.

And if you're going to kill a deer, you may as well eat it.

-I mean, it's daft not to eat it. -Definitely, yeah.

Or give it to schools and hospitals as you've been suggesting for a long time.

And yet,

if I were to kill a deer on television, they'd all go berserk,

even though it's good reason, good reason, good reason.

-There's no reason to not do it. -[Hugh] Yeah.

The challenge is educating people

as to why all this needs to happen.

Well, it's good for the deer. It's good for the trees.

-Yeah. -And it's free food.

[Hugh] Definitely, yeah.

I mean, I think if there was a more effective way

to manage our deer population,

we'd be doing it.

[Jeremy] We then got down to business.

[Jeremy] Right. And in.

[Jeremy sighs]

[Jeremy] With me aiming for the red squares on the paper targets.

[Hugh] Right. Good to go.

[rifle fire]

[Jeremy exhaling]

[Hugh] Have a look.

I'm assuming you were going for the one on the left and not in the middle.

[Jeremy chuckling] That's a bullseye!

[Hugh] So...

to prove it wasn't a fluke, you need to do it again.

[Jeremy] And as it happened, I did.

[rifle fire]

[Hugh] An even better shot.

[rifle fire]

-[Jeremy] Where is it? -You've got even closer to the bullseye.

[Jeremy] What am I shooting now? The roe's heart?

[Hugh] Yeah. The orange disc,

that is where you would be aiming

when we go out tomorrow.

-[rifle fire] -[Jeremy] Jesus!

[Hugh] Do you wanna shoot a muntjac now?

-[rifle fire] -[bursting]

It pains me to say it, but that's five out of five!

[Jeremy chuckling softly]

-I've found something I'm good at! -[Hugh] That was very good!

[Jeremy] The next morning, at dawn,

Robert De Niro and I set off in search of deer.

[Hugh whispering] What's quite a problem is wind.

[Jeremy whispering] There isn't any.

[Hugh] There you go.

[Jeremy] You're kidding. You bought that from a shop, didn't you?

The man said it tells you where the wind is coming from.

[Hugh] So what we'll do, just quietly look round this corner,

come out onto the edge again to go, just creep down...

[over-optimistic hunting gibberish]

[Jeremy] While we were scanning the perimeter,

an opportunity suddenly presented itself.

[Hugh] There is a buck.

-[rifle cocking] -[Hugh] Now.

[Hugh] If you're going to shoot...

[Jeremy] No, he's looking straight at me.

[Hugh] There. You can shoot him now.

[Jeremy] Yep.

[Jeremy] Okay, that's a really easy shot.

[Hugh] Shoot.

[Jeremy] Okay, here we go.

[Hugh] Okay. He's good now.

Whenever you're ready.

[Jeremy] Yeah, I've got him.

[Hugh] Shoot.

[Jeremy] He's gone in the long grass.

[Hugh] That's him catching us. He's busted us.

[tense music]

[Jeremy] Mr De Niro and the world's most hesitant shooter

continued onwards

until we reached a suitable vantage point.

[Hugh] If we're up there: out of sight, out of their sense of smell.

[Jeremy] Oh really?

[Jeremy] Then, after a surprisingly short wait...

[Jeremy] I've got him.

[Hugh] Shoot.

He's a perfect one to take.

[Jeremy] Okay.

[rifle fire]

[overlapping conversations]

-[Jeremy] Anyone for a hotdog? -[man] Sure.

[Jeremy] I want you to try them and I want you to tell me what you think.

-[man] Is this not a vegan sausage then? -[Jeremy] No, it's not vegan.

[laughter]

[Jeremy] You like that? The meat's good?

What you're eating is Bambi.

[laughter]

-[Jeremy] Venison. -Venison?

Venison. Unbelievably good meat.

-[American man] It's very good. -[Jeremy] Yeah.

-You're American, are you? -I am.

[Jeremy in American accent] You gonna have another?

-[laughter] -Number two!

[Jeremy] Oh yeah!

[Jeremy] So, we'd saved some trees

and as a result, provided a healthy and inexpensive lunch

for the crowds,

which made me happy.

But not as happy as I was the next day,

when the shop closed again

and we could resume work on the car park.

[Alan] You've gotta put the small bucket on there for the trenching, all right?

[Jeremy] Lisa made a beeline for the roller.

Oh yeah, I'm good. I'm excellent.

[Jeremy] And Alan gave me the job of digging a drainage ditch.

[Jeremy] Right, I've got to get my tracks

to straddle this little ditch here,

so that I can dig a trench down it.

Now I've gotta turn sideways. How do...

[engine rumbling]

That one's jammed. Why is that one... Oh no, that's...

[Jeremy] After a lot of faff...

Oh. I made... I need more revs.

[Jeremy] I finally got myself into a ditch-digging position.

[Jeremy] Yes!

[phone ringing]

Oh, leave me alone! Leave me alone!

Hello?

Yeah?

It's what?

[stops the engine]

Why?

Oh, shit.

[beep]

[Kaleb] Yo, dude.

[Jeremy] Yo. Er, right. Do you want the bad news or the bad news?

[Kaleb] Er... the bad news?

[Jeremy] The cider's exploding.

[Kaleb] What?

[Jeremy] Immediately, Kaleb and I headed off to see if Rick,

our lager brewer,

knew what had gone wrong.

[Jeremy] So...

Do you have any idea?

Well, first of all, how many cases are affected?

- Um... - How many bottles are we talking about?

Thousands.

Thousands of bottles.

[Jeremy] Sh...

[Rick] Yeah, it's serious. It's properly serious.

[Jeremy] 'Cause someone's been injured, I gather?

[Kaleb] Yeah. Derbyshire, isn't it?

[Jeremy] Somewhere in Derbyshire, someone's got a cut finger.

It could be that the caps aren't on sufficiently well.

It could be that there's some microorganism in there

that's eating the sugar.

So there might be

fermentation still happening in the bottles

-even though they've gone on sale? -[Rick] Yeah.

That's highly likely. That's probably the most likely cause of this.

-Have you got one here? -I can find one in a moment.

[Kaleb] Turn it on.

[Jeremy] We then experimented by opening a bottle

so we could work out what warning to give to our customers.

Pop it in the bucket, Kaleb. Get it in the bucket.

-You really do have to be this careful? -[Rick] I would. Yeah!

[water bubbling]

[Kaleb] That's fuck all.

-So that's now safe when the top... -[Rick] That's safe, yeah.

At the bottom of the bottle, there's a white sediment.

[Jeremy] You can see this actually on camera I think.

So that sediment, Rick, is that an indication

-that this bottle was affected? -Yes.

-Yes? -Yes.

And the degree to which it has become explosive

depends upon how much sugar has been eaten

by whatever microorganisms are sitting there at the bottom.

That sediment at the bottom is eating the sugar?

[Rick] Yeah. So that's devouring the sweetness.

So it's turning it into a dry cider. A drier cider than it should be.

And also turning it into, as you say, a Mills hand grenade.

Yeah.

[tense music]

[Jeremy] The next job was to get a warning message out to the public

as quickly as possible.

And since there was no time to call in a professional PR firm,

I did the wording myself.

[Jeremy] Well, what I've written is:

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

"There's been a massive cock-up, and as a result there's a very slim chance

"some of our Hawkstone cider bottles",

I put "cider" in capital letters,

"might, there's no easy way of saying this, explode.

"If the cap has the code L3160, open it underwater,

"pour it away, and get in touch."

Um...

-"Really sorry about this." -That's gonna get the attention.

[Jeremy] Well, I tweeted that.

I mean, that is putting your hands up in the headmaster's office.

-"Sir, I've been smoking." -Before you've been caught.

[rock music]

[Jeremy] Cidergate had taken up valuable time,

so I rushed back to resume my ditch-digging duties.

[Jeremy] Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

[phone ringing]

Oh for Heaven's sake!

Okay.

Yeah. Couldn't have happened on a worse day, if I'm honest.

But all right. I'll see you in half an hour. Bye.

-[Kaleb] Where are we going now? -[Jeremy] Pigs.

My pig rings have arrived.

[Kaleb] But we've got the farm-shop car park!

-[Jeremy] I know. -It's just gonna be...

I know, Kaleb. But the pig rings have just turned up

so they've got to be fitted

'cause the pigs are giving birth in about 20 minutes.

-[Jeremy] You know he's patented my idea? -[Kaleb] Pardon?

[Jeremy] He's patented this idea.

And he's called it the Clarkson Ring.

[groaning]

[Jeremy] The rings!

-The rings have arrived, yeah. -[Jeremy] They've arrived!

[Jeremy] Well, they're more sturdy than I thought!

Hello, pig. Look, it's Unit! Hello, Unit! How are you, my darling?

-So, mother pig is within the... -She's in there.

[Jeremy] And then baby pig...

[man] Has got a generous piglet-sized safety zone behind.

-[Jeremy] Are you impressed with this? -[Kaleb] They look good actually, yeah!

We need to get these in 'cause we've still got a car park to build.

[man] We're in, we're in.

-[Jeremy] Hang on. -[man] Just gotta do a little lift now.

[pig honking]

[man] Lovely.

Job done.

[Jeremy] I really hope these work.

-Good. Thank you. -[Jeremy] Thank you very much.

Good luck with round two. You're welcome.

Yeah, I know. I'm looking forward to it this time.

It was heartbreaking last time.

[Jeremy] Once we'd installed the pig rings,

I checked social media, and sure enough,

some of our cider customers

were sharing their thoughts.

[man] F-[bleep]-ing Kaleb.

Thanks a f-[bleep]-ing lot! Jesus!

[bleep]

[Jeremy] My PR message had even made it onto the evening news.

Now, Jeremy Clarkson's Oxfordshire farm

has recalled some of its bottles of cider,

warning they could explode.

He advises anyone who has bought some to open them underwater and...

[Jeremy] Running alongside the other important stories of the day.

Giant puppets have been parading through Gosport High Street.

Farrah, the five-metre-high fox, travelled through the town...

[tense music]

[Jeremy] After all these distractions, it was inevitable

that at the end of play, the car park still wasn't finished.

[Alan] Keep going.

It's still thick. It only needs to be very, very thin.

[Jeremy] So I decided that we'd carry on the next day,

even though the shop would be open for business.

[Alan] There you go.

[soft music]

[Jeremy] The following morning, Lisa and I headed over there,

discussing on the way how much she was enjoying

building the car park.

[Jeremy] Well, you are Irish. And I'm not being...

I'm not typecasting, but it'll be in the blood to make...

[Lisa] If you call me Liam, I will be on machinery.

I want to identify as an Irish builder called Liam.

That would make me happy.

-[Jeremy] Oh shit. -What?

[Jeremy] Well, ahem, everyone's parked in it.

[Lisa] Oh, fuck.

[overlapping conversations]

[Jeremy] Did you not tell the kids not to let people park in it?

[Lisa] No. It didn't occur to me.

Shit.

Very difficult to make a car park when it's being used as a car park.

[Alan] Morning.

I know. I know! [laughs]

-Yeah, look, how are we gonna do this? -I don't... Well, good que...

-All I can say is... -I mean, he's just driven in now, look.

-Unbelievable. Look. Look! -What were they thinking of in the shop?

So if anyone's parked in this car park, I need to start spreading gravel,

so if you wouldn't mind moving it to the overflow car park?

You've got five minutes,

otherwise I'm gonna start and your car will be collateral damage.

Anyone?

Anyone else parked over here?

Seriously?

Where have all those fucking cars come from then?

[Jeremy] What's this?

[Alan] I don't know. Somebody's pulled in on that.

-[Jeremy] Is that nothing to do with us? -No, it ain't nothing to do with us.

[Jeremy] Naturally, I wanted them to move on,

but Alan quickly became intrigued.

-[Alan] What do you do? -[man] Aerating. So we go down a metre.

We blast it with 300 PSI of air.

We then inject seaweed, which keeps it from floating under the ground.

We do Buckingham Palace. We've got the Royal Garden contracts.

[Jeremy] I'd understood the words "Buckingham" and "Palace",

but as for the rest, I was completely lost.

We have got a six-foot clay bed. So what do you do then?

Clay's not a problem. We work everywhere in the country.

[Alan] How do you do that then?

[man] You will see the fissures...

[Jeremy] Alan said, though, I should ask the man to come back later in the day.

Can I leave you just a card? Would that be OK?

[Jeremy] Yeah.

[Jeremy] So without knowing why, I did.

Well, that's good. I've got your card. Thanks for that.

If you wouldn't mind moving? 'Cause we have to work on the car park.

Hi, morning. Sorry, we've gotta do some work in the car park.

Anyone else parked here? No, you're down there.

[Jeremy] As we couldn't start work until Lisa had cleared out the car park,

I went off to see how the new mushroom bags were doing.

[sighing]

Oh!

[whimpering] Why are you doing this to me?

Once again, I shall enter my little fungal money pit.

[moaning] [sighing and sniffing]

Oh.

That's a worry.

That looks like mould. That is mould, look.

And there's mould.

Mould. Mould.

That's got mould, look.

That's mouldy.

Oh no.

Even though we disinfected this whole area before bringing the new bags in,

it was obviously left over somehow from the previous crop.

Shit.

And this is the fan that's keeping the air moving to try and stop the mould.

Oh!

Oh, my giddy aunt.

Look in there.

[gagging]

[coughing]

God!

I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, that smell.

[Jeremy coughs]

[Jeremy] Once I'd removed the contaminated produce,

I totted up the damage.

I've got 68 bags here

which are very obviously ruined, full of mould.

And 68 bags times 17

is a loss of £1,156.

Plus, each bag would have produced,

on average, let's say two kilogrammes of mushrooms,

which I would sell for...

£16... £32.

So this is a financial disaster.

Ugh.

-[head knocking] -[moaning in pain]

I'm having a horrible day!

I can't let this go near nature.

Ah!

What the bloody hell do you...

[Jeremy] I decided the only solution for the diseased pipe

was to take inspiration from the movie Goodfellas.

All right. We've gone through the topsoil. We're into the clay.

I'm not gonna bury it until I can see the tips

of the Sydney Opera House down there.

Quicklime.

I have no idea what this does, but I've seen Joe Pesci use it.

[Jeremy] For belt and braces, I then buried the equally mouldy filter

more than a mile away.

[whimpering]

[moaning]

Fucking thing!

No.

[tense music]

The world is safe thanks to me.

[Jeremy] By the time I'd buried the equipment,

showered, disinfected my hair and put on new clothes,

the man with the incomprehensible machine had returned...

[tense music]

...and started work.

[blast]

[pounding]

[blast]

At first, I thought they were fracking,

but eventually, the penny started to drop.

[Jeremy] They've drilled a hole down there,

blasted air into it,

which has caused fractures to go out six metres in the rock.

Then they fill that with seaweed to keep it open.

And then the water, not just today but forever,

will drain through the clay.

'Cause this has been the bane of our lives,

this flooding up here.

[blast]

[Alan] Wow! What a shot! What a shot!

-That's insane! -[Alan] Brilliant. You watch again.

[Kaleb] Can I blast it?

[blast]

Watch this.

[blast]

[Kaleb spitting]

[Jeremy laughs]

[Jeremy] After the seaweed frackers had finished,

Kaleb went off to have an accident.

[glass shattering]

[Alan] He's broke the glass now!

[Jeremy] You dingleberry.

[Kaleb] What the fuck?

[Jeremy laughs]

[Kaleb] Did anyone else just see that?

-[Jeremy] No, we heard it. -[Alan] We heard it. Unbelievable.

[Jeremy] We then gently mocked one another for a little while...

Why don't you just throw it like that? Look. Look. See, watch Alan

-Yeah? Watch. Watch. -[Alan] Ready? Ray!

[Kaleb] Like that. Do it like that.

Let me show you something. Ready? Ready?

-[Kaleb] You're such a muppet. -[Alan] Window!

[Kaleb] Such a muppet.

[Jeremy] Until eventually,

the cut-price Diddly Squat car park was finished!

[Jeremy] I thought we did pretty good teamwork there.

-[Kaleb] Yeah! -[Alan] That ain't bad.

[soft music]

[Jeremy] The next day, I gave Gerald a lift home after he'd finished work,

and on the way, I caught up with all the local gossip.

[Gerald] And seeing Nate get kicked into touch.

Keeps having them Botox bloody things done on his eyes and his cheeks.

-He's bloody piece of piss. -[Jeremy] Oh I know. Yeah.

-[Gerald] He lives around Lyneham though. -Yeah, around.

[Gerald] Anybody with a chainsaw just goes down there.

Good to bloody saw it off and they'd still be in pocket.

[Jeremy] Yeah.

[Gerald] That's the only difference with Simon,

so he can get that feel for his... [Gerald speaking indistinctly]

The old wine. Yeah.

[Jeremy] Yeah, I know, nor me.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Having dropped him off, I went to pick up the goats,

because I'd come up with a new business plan.

So, I bought the goats to

clear a bank of brambles that the machine wasn't able to do

'cause the bank was too steep, which is just at the bottom of this hill.

But, they still aren't big enough to do that.

So, how's this for a plan?

I'm renting them out.

They have become Avis goats.

They will go to neighbouring farms and clear things up,

brambles and so on, and earn me money.

And they shall become bigger and then, next year,

I'll put them down there and they'll get on with it.

[Jeremy] My first customer was a friend who owned a bit of land next to mine.

[Jeremy] It's always been slightly embarrassing, this,

'cause I used to think this bit of ground through here was mine and it isn't.

[Jeremy] I had to come through here, though, to meet my friend's land agent.

[mooing]

[bleating]

[sighing]

Well, I'm a bit late. Hello?

Hello?

[Charlie] Hello.

[Jeremy] What are you doing here?

I look after, you know, the client here as well.

[Jeremy] What?

It was you?

-[Charlie] So, I... -How are we going to negotiate a price?

Well, I do realise there's a slight conflict.

Slight?

How much... Okay, then, Charlie,

how much is the nameless er...

owner of this field going to pay me for the goats?

Pay you?

I mean, look at all the wonderful forest.

The browse... You know, all that value sitting before you,

before your eyes.

How about we call it zero?

No! Not zero!

Climb over this fence. Climb over this fence.

-[Jeremy] How much? -There's not much value out there.

[Jeremy laughs]

I mean, it's just a load of...

There's no value there at all.

No, none at all. So how much should he be paying me?

He should be paying, you know,

five or six pence a day per goat.

-Pence? -Per day, per goat. It soon adds up.

Twenty... Oh, no.

[Charlie] I don't think we can accept that.

[Jeremy laughs]

This is a ridiculous situation!

-What is the deal? -Luckily, luckily, luckily...

It's sort of... The value is being provided by that lot

eating the, you know, the invading hawthorn, er, blackthorn.

-Yeah. -Er, because it then...

-Get on with it. -It creates a better wildflower meadow.

-Whose side are you on now? -Yours.

Right.

[both laughing]

So actually the...

So I'm giving him a better meadow.

-[Charlie] Yes, he gets paid more by... -And he's paying 5p a goat?

Which is 29 goats.

Twelve weeks?

-[Jeremy] £121. -Done.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Come on, goats.

[Jeremy] Right now, that a hundred and twenty-one pounds was very welcome

because back in mushroom world,

my income stream had been hit hard by the mould.

Which meant, annoyingly,

that Lisa's powdered lion's mane enterprise

had suddenly become important.

-200 hundred? Was it 20 grammes? -We're doing 20 grammes a bag.

[Jeremy] Today was the day we'd get the results

from the test sample I'd sent off.

And assuming all would be well,

Lisa had several kilogrammes of powder ready to go.

There it is.

Jeremy's Special Mushroom Powder.

[Lisa] Why are you selling it if you don't believe in it?

-I don't believe in it. -You know how much we're gonna make.

How much are you selling that for?

Er... £9?

Which gives you ten cups of coffee.

So, hang on. Let me get my...

Oh! I've got it through!

Can I get your glasses?

[Jeremy] But if we just grew normal mushrooms...

God, you're blind.

Er, they have...

"Lisa, I have the shelf-life samples back. They have failed."

Hold on.

"I have the shelf-life samples back.

"Which generally indicates that either the mushroom quality was not the best

"or that it was not adequately cleaned prior to the drying process.

"You need to look at the standards of cleaning hygiene

"during preparation of the finished product,

"i.e. hand-washing, cleanliness of containers."

"If this product is to be put on the shelves

"you will need to review the preparation process."

You know you were asking about the different colours? I think that's it.

I think some of the rinds I just cut up

when I dried them. I'm so sorry.

Fucking hell. That is so annoying.

And this is just a bit of what we've made.

We've gone to all this trouble and it's failed.

So all this has failed.

[tense music]

[Jeremy] The mushroom issues were a bitter blow,

especially now in August,

because we were approaching the end of the farming year.

And therefore the conclusion of the contest

between Kaleb and me.

-Then you had to hire the boar. -No, stop saying things.

[Jeremy] I had tried everything I could think of

to make money by farming the unfarmed.

[Jeremy] Yes!

[Jeremy] Some of my ideas had worked.

-[Lisa] No way! -[Jeremy] Yes way!

[Jeremy] Holy Moly!

This is incredible!

[Lisa chuckling] Yeah!

[Jeremy] Aren't they just the best!

[man] Lots of sausages.

Jesus!

Oh! This is so good for my side of the chart.

[Jeremy] And some hadn't.

[Jeremy] Hullo!

Shit.

[gagging]

[coughing]

[Jeremy] But soon we would find out what the big numbers looked like,

because at harvest time,

the spotlight would shift from me

to Kaleb and the crops.

[grinding]

[Simon] This year's an absolute pig. It just won't dry at all.

Here we go!

[engine roaring]

-A quarter full. -Is that it?

[Jeremy] Oh, my God!

-[Lisa] Look at the size of that one! -[Kaleb laughing]

[upbeat music]