Original subtitles

[Door opens, closes]

Hey, babe.

How was your day, honey?

Oh, it was crappy because...

You work at a diaper company.

- Yep. Never gets old. - It's my best joke.

No argument from me.

[Clattering]

Max! What are you doing?!

Oh, hey, guys!

Oh, uh, quick favor, dad.

Can I borrow your old football helmet and a blowtorch?

Should we say no now,

or you want to drag it out a little bit?

I mean, I'm curious.

So, my friend Travis and I

started a daredevil group... like "Jackass,"

but with little kids.

We're called the kid-iots!

[Laughs] That's...

Terrible, Max. Terrible.

You know what, Max? You're not using a blowtorch,

and you're not becoming a kid-iot.

Go be a normal kid. Play with your sister.

This isn't fair!

You guys are... adult-iots.

Hello, weavers!

The most interesting thing just happened to us.

Jackie: We were walking through a really bad part of town...

not a Whole Foods in sight...

when a man approached us, showed us his knife,

and asked for our wallets and keys.

Seemed like a pretty good trade to us.

It was a heck of a knife.

Shiny, pointy...

the two hallmarks of quality bladesmanship.

But in all the excitement,

he forgot to give us the knife in return.

Uh, guys. You were mugged.

What's "mugged"?

Is that another Christmas tradition, like eggnog

or being disappointed by a Will Smith movie?

No. No, you were victims of a serious crime.

[Both gasp]

When he comes to drop off the knife,

- we shall have words. - Mm.

♪

♪ We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey ♪

♪ we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee ♪

♪ then the humans moved next door ♪

♪ started testing all our limits ♪

♪ so sit right down, enjoy the show ♪

♪ we'll be done in 30 minutes ♪

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

I can't believe we were mugged.

A strange man just came up to us

and told us to put our hands in the air.

And we did.

We put our hands in the air.

You know, we waved them like we just didn't care,

as is your custom.

The important thing is that you're okay.

Oh, do I look okay?

Because I've lost my irreplaceable troll key chain.

Oh, Grimlock.

How will I sleep without you by my side?

Okay, well, we are gonna have to work on this.

You know what?

We are going to have a safety-training seminar.

No, you don't understand.

Grimlock was the light of my life... literally.

You pressed his head, and his body lit up.

[Sighs] Tonight's the night, Dick.

It's finally gonna happen.

Someone on "America's Got Talent"

is actually gonna have talent?

No. Better. Amber's gonna tell me that she loves me.

Not sure I buy it, but I'm listening.

Amber and I have been dating for over six months,

and I know she loves me.

But every time I say "I love you,"

she either says "thank you"

or "I understand" or "I'm hungry."

I've said it before, brother.

It's about time you signed up for J-date.

I've devised a plan.

After some research, I've learned that

humans express emotion more freely after a scare.

So we'll watch a horror movie,

and Amber will tell me she loves me.

Once, Amber jumped after seeing a spider.

I know she was on the verge of saying "I love you."

But instead, she said, "Reggie, stop screaming.

- I'll kill it." - I'm just saying,

there are thousands of nice Jewish girls out there

who want to throw mommy and daddy for a loop.

I just hope that the movie's scary enou...

Ah! Fine. We'll do it your way.

If you need help scaring Amber into loving you,

I'm your man.

No, that's not what I meant.

- I... - Hey.

Ready to snuggle and watch people die?

Thanks again for renting "The Shining."

I went to four abandoned blockbusters

and got my hand stuck in a redbox machine for two hours,

but my baby gets what my baby wants.

This is nice. Just us, no Jane.

Are you sure the movie's not too scary for you?

After what I saw in that third blockbuster,

- nothing can scare me. - [Ominous music plays]

[Gasps] Oh!

Just the DVD menu. It's not even the movie yet.

Right. [Screams]

Dick. What are you doing?

Giving the performance of a lifetime.

- [Thunder crashes] - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Just a low-pressure system meeting a high-pressure system.

[Door rattling]

Okay, that was weird.

Dick, how are you doing this?

It's not me. I'm sitting right here.

[Screams] [Dick gasps]

Rice Krispie treats, anyone?

Jane. It's you.

Oh, Jane. It's you.

Hey, guys, I felt this strange energy

that Reggie was uneasy about something,

and now I know what it is... Hey, Amber.

Looks like you guys are having date night.

- Mind if I join you? - Sure, 'cause that makes sense.

Date night with a girl, her boyfriend,

and her boyfriend's soul mate...

- The E.T. who won't go home. - [Scoffs]

Amber, another pop-culture reference. Delightful!

- [Thunder rumbles] - Okay.

You know what, Jane? You and I have been doing

this little dance for awhile now, but it ends tonight.

We're having girl talk. My house... now.

- Are you sure that's a good idea? - Absolutely.

We'll be back soon. Or at least one of us will.

You don't get this kind of drama with a nice Jewish girl.

[Thunder crashes]

Okay, clearly, we have not done a great job

explaining the dangers of this planet,

so we're gonna have a little safety chat... basic stuff.

Right, so, just to get a feel for where you guys are at,

what is the last thing you do before you head up to bed?

Oh, Marty, you're asking "Wheel of Fortune" questions

to Jeopardy!" people.

Like everybody else on earth, we set the DVR

- to record "Last call with Carson Daly." - Mm-hmm.

Sorry, we were looking for "lock your doors"

or "lock your windows" or "lock anything."

But we live in a safe, gated community

surrounded by good, decent alien invaders.

Well, sure, Jackie, but the gates can't keep everyone out.

Like, let's say

you're a former gymnast who tears her ACL

and you become hooked on pain-killers.

Next thing you know, you're selling my day bed for oxy.

I'm so sorry.

I've been watching a lot of "Intervention" lately.

Listen, I don't think you realize

how dangerous it is out there, guys.

I mean, we haven't even discussed pickpockets,

kidnappers, dognappers, con artists, global warming,

- swine flu... - Enough.

Weavers, you may choose to live in fear, but we do not.

We're leaving this house right now confidently

- with our heads held high. - Yes. We're not scared of anything.

Try as you might, we shall not be frightened by you people.

- Oh, my God! Look out! - Larry Bird!

In we go.

Okay. Seems like we're scared of everything now.

Except for global warming. That sounds made up.

- Jackie: 'Cause I am scared of everything right now! - Larry: Oh! Oh, my God!

Larry: I'm terrified!

Guys! You're overreacting!

Well, of course we are. It's kind of our thing.

I was watching five minutes of "The View" this morning,

and now I'm gluten-free,

I canceled all the kids' vaccinations,

and I spent the rest of the morning doing kegels.

Amber: Follow me.

Hey, Amber.

- Isn't this your, uh... - Archnemesis, yes.

- Hi. - All: Hi.

We're gonna be upstairs hashing some things out.

If you hear screaming, it's just her.

Uh, okay.

Guys, we did not mean to scare you.

I think it would make you feel much better

if you knew how to fight back.

- Marty! - Ooh, I didn't like the sound of that "Marty."

Larry, do you know how to throw a punch?

Oh, Debbie, I led an intergalactic armada

twice voted "scariest horde"

by the academy of armadas and sciences.

Maybe you haven't met my two fists...

Thunder and Beverly.

Watch out for Beverly. She's a real snake in the grass.

- All right, just get to it. - Now...

Ooh-hoo!

Ha!

- Jackie, can you translate what I just saw? - Mm-hmm.

See, Larry bird is our supreme leader,

but he leaves the actual fighting

to the lowly foot soldiers.

Yes, I even have my own personal ninja squadron.

Mm. Guess who's his number-one ninja?

Jackie, you're a ninja? That is awesome!

Show us some of your ninja moves.

- Marty! - Listen, I didn't like the first "Marty."

- That one, I hate. - Oh, stop.

- You got a cushion. - All right, Jackie, go ahead.

Just take it easy.

[Breathes deeply]

[Grunts]

[Exhales sharply]

[Groans]

Wow!

Marty, hon, are you hurt?

Just my pride. Oh!

And my body. She got my body pretty good, too.

- My ninja. - Ninja, please.

Debbie: I'll get some ice for you, honey.

Perhaps we were overreacting.

- The world isn't such a scary place after all. - [Door opens]

Where's Amber?

[Both scream]

[Eerie music plays]

Nice room. Thanks.

Lot of pictures of Reggie.

Yes. Because he's my boyfriend.

So, what did you want to talk to me about?

All the things I'm gonna do to you

if you don't leave us alone.

Hey, gals.

Just checking in.

Amber, didn't know you were

bringing your Nemesis over for a hang.

- What's up? - What's up is that Jane won't leave my boyfriend alone.

'Cause your breakup is inevitable.

There's no way my soul mate ends up

with a sad sack of black laundry.

- Ooh, I did not like that. - Okay.

She won't leave him alone

and go back to the "Star Trek" episode she came from,

so I'm setting her straight once and for all.

Well, I'll be downstairs if you need me.

And, Jane, remember... we're from Bayonne.

Muse on that. Bayonne.

Bayonne. Marinade in that.

- We are from... - She gets it, mom. We're from Bayonne.

Bayonne.

Bayonne sounds nice.

[Suspenseful music plays]

Dick: Here's Dickie!

Reggie: Dick! Not now!

All I wanted was for Amber to say that she loves me.

What if they're fighting? Or wrestling?

Two girls getting sweaty.

Now I'm getting sweaty.

Dick, is it getting hot in here?

- [Suspenseful music plays] - Dick!

- Amber's not even here! - Yeah, but I'm in the zone.

At this point, I'm just doing this for myself.

[Deep voice] Redrum.

- Oh, thank you, honey. - Yeah.

Parents, I believe

we got off on the wrong foot earlier.

- You remember Travis. - Hey, now!

Max, you cannot be a kid-iot.

Before you make that call,

let me tell you about an American hero.

Johnny Knoxville has made millions of dollars

doing awesome stunts on TV.

Tennessee even named a city after him.

[Sighs] What is he doing in that school

- from 9:00 to 3:00 every day? - I don't know.

Not convinced?

Well, here's something that might change your mind.

Let me introduce you to our newest kid-iot.

You know your daughter, Abby?

Mm-hmm.

She'll be helping us in our next stunt,

which, might I remind you, we've never rehearsed.

Max, what's my motivation here?

No! No! Hey!

Give me the knives! Give me the knives! Come on.

Okay. Oh, my God! You are kid-iots.

Max, go to your room! Travis, go home!

[Sadly] Hey, now.

Abby. Just ashamed of you.

Honestly, mom, I'm ashamed of myself.

- No one in this house has the right amount of fear. - I know.

You guys never let me do anything.

I might as well just go upstairs

and live in Larry's panic room.

Did he say Larry has a panic room?

Oh.

Larry, what is going on in there?

Well, that's new.

[Sighs] Larry, open up the door!

What's the password? Password?

Oh! Damn it! First try.

Get in here. [Lock clicks]

[Radio chatter] [Sonar pinging]

Larry, we left you alone for 10 minutes.

- How did you build all this? - Oh, for the hundredth time,

we're a freaking superior species.

I should be playing fetch with you right now.

- Larry, this is not okay. - Look, I'll tell you what's not okay.

This world is a terrifying place fraught with danger,

so we locked ourselves in the only place we felt safe.

The only place you feel safe is our bedroom?

Whenever we think of safe, boring, and predictable,

- we think of your bedroom. - Especially right here.

Nothing exciting ever happens right here.

Why are we even friends with these people?

- Larry, you cannot lock yourselves in our bedroom. - Can and will.

And once I press this button,

- we'll be sealed in. - Larry, stop!

Is that our remote? Where did you find that?

We've been stuck on the channel guide for, like, a month!

This has gotten totally out control.

- Told you we should never have let them in. - But they knew the password.

I told you that "password" was too easy!

You should have gone with "password 1234."

But now you've told them the backup password!

Can I even trust you?

Okay, that is it! Sit down! We're having another talk.

- [Sighs] - Give me that.

Trying to scare her was a stupid idea.

Well, then this was a hell of a lot of work for nothing.

What is Amber doing over there?

Tonight, all I wanted was to hear that she loves me.

What's happening?

Maybe she hasn't said anything because she doesn't feel it.

What if Amber doesn't love me?

Stop it! Look at yourself!

You look ridiculous!

She's over there fighting for you right now.

- Of course she loves you. - You think so?

Why don't you ask her, you dope?

You're a genius.

I'm texting her now.

- I'm proud of you, brother. - Ow!

Sorry. Finger knives.

[Cellphone chimes]

Amber, I don't wish you any ill will.

I just... I truly don't understand

why you think what you two have is so special.

Honestly, it kind of surprised me, too, Jane.

It's sort of silly, really.

He was just the geeky alien kid next door.

You know that thing where you meet someone

and everything they say is annoying

and then, suddenly, it just isn't?

I don't know.

I don't usually like opening myself up to people,

but then I realized what Reggie and I have is worth it.

Plus, there's the hair, so...

That's really sweet, Amber.

I guess our story's pretty silly, too.

Like, you know that thing when you're in the womb

and everything is really lonely and scary,

but then, suddenly, it just isn't

- because there's another heartbeat out there? - [Heart beating]

His heartbeat.

I don't usually like opening myself up to anyone,

but when you realize your heart beats

and syncs up with another as one,

it makes it all worth it.

Plus, there's the hair, so...

Amber, I am truly sorry.

But you should brace yourself,

because he winds up with me in the end.

Now, I'm gonna go finish the movie with my soul mate,

and you're welcome to join if you'd like.

But honestly, it won't matter.

♪

Okay, look, guys. Fear is real.

But you can't hide from it. You have to face it head-on.

Like, sometimes I say my fears out loud

so they seem less scary.

Ooh! Let's try that.

Let's say what we're scared of.

- Marty. - Okay. Uh... s... spiders.

Okay? Yeah. I'm afraid of spiders, and you know what?

- Now that I've said... - [Chuckling]

Now that I've said it out loud, I feel better, honey, so...

What? Spiders?

You big girly, girly, girly man

- with your little girly bra... spiders? - Okay, see?

- This isn't gonna work 'cause he... - Okay, Larry.

I am scared of how the hell

we can afford three kids in college,

none of whom scream "scholarship potential."

Jackie, what are you scared of?

Dryer sheets, getting stuck in the dryer,

the lint collector in the dryer.

Anything not related to the dryer?

Well, um, I guess after everything we've learned today,

I worry about all the things we don't know

about what's outside these walls.

I'm afraid that Reggie and Dick

will forget where they came from.

Also, the dryer.

I'm also scared of messing up my kids.

Max thinks he's Evel Knievel and Amber is...

Losing her boyfriend.

And it sucks.

Marty, you take care of the aliens.

I'll take care of the daughter.

[Sighs]

- So? - Yeah, you know,

these wrap-up speeches are more of a Debbie thing,

- so I'm just gonna... - Well, what would she say?

You got to take the good,

you take the bad,

you take them both, and there you have...

The facts of life.

The facts of life.

Not bad.

Poignant. Succinct.

- Strangely familiar. - Come, wife.

There's risk out there, to be sure.

But if I didn't take risks,

I never would have come to this planet.

- Nor let the weavers live. - Excuse me?

Oh, husband.

There's nothing we can't defeat if we stick together,

especially if I walk in front.

I'm the lookout, right?

Yes, dear.

You're the lookout.

[Knock on door]

I can't compete with her, mom.

She and Reggie, like, share a brain,

and he and I share a zip code.

It's so stupid.

Fighting for something you love is never stupid.

It is if you know you're gonna lose.

[Sighs]

Amber,

when we had you, we were just kids ourselves.

You were our firstborn,

and I've always been so worried that

because we were so scared for you,

we made you scared, too.

I mean, with your brother, we have to stop him

from jumping off the roof.

But sometimes when you are faced with a challenge,

you just give up.

You know, you put your hands in your sleeves

and you say a sarcastic remark.

Yeah, but they're quality sarcastic, right?

Well, it's safe and it's easy.

And my greatest fear is that

we've taken this perfect little baby

and we've made her too scared to put herself out there.

But today, you fought for what you love.

You were so brave... oh, my God,

it's the proudest I have ever been of you.

That really means a lot, mom.

That wasn't sarcasm. That's just the way I talk.

Go and get your man, honey.

[Enthusiastically] Okay, mom.

- That was a little sarcastic. - Little bit.

[Door opens]

[Ominous music plays]

Oh, thank goodness.

I was going to come look for you.

Jane said you weren't coming back.

- Oh, I'm back. - She does not give up.

Did you get my text?

I did.

[Heart beating]

Reggie, I...

[Heart beating rapidly] Yes?

[Heart beating slowly]

[Aidan Hawking's "Walking Blind" plays]

Amber, what's wrong?

She wins.

I can't compete with that.

What are you talking about?

I don't feel the same way you do, Reggie.

I want to break up.

♪ Don't give me your word ♪

♪ give me something to hold onto ♪

♪ I don't want to fight ♪

We're getting very good at this raising

three children and four aliens.

You should have seen Amber tonight.

You would have been so proud.

- That girl is gonna be okay. - Hey, baby.

How did the battle for Reggie go? Did you win the big fight?

No. I threw it.

♪ Tearing your heart into pieces ♪

♪ we don't have to know ♪

- ♪ we don't have it all worked out ♪ - ____

[Cellphone beeps]

♪ We can just keep walking ♪

[clock ticking]

[Gasps]

It's no use. I can't sleep without him.

Ever since that mugger took him,

I haven't had a wink of sleep.

Well, good news, husband.

- Look who I found today. - [Gasps] Oh!

Grimlock! Oh, you found your way home!

Oh, I always knew you would!

[Sniffs] Wait.

[Sniffs] You're not Grimlock.

No, not exactly, but...

How dare you besmirch his noble memory

- with this cheap charade? - But...

[Thud]

Goodnight, wife.

Good night, Grimlock two.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com