Original subtitles

Finish your poptart, guys.

Eat while you walk, baby, you're gonna be late for school.

It's too hot, the filling is burning my mouth

Well, mouth it really fast sweetie.

I'll get some neosporin later.

Can't wait to get my car out of the shop.

- This is killing me. - Killing you?

I'm the one who has to drop you at work every day this week

it's like driving Ms Daisy

oh my God, Tad and Larke Hollander ten o'clock.

Did they see us?

- Yep, they saw us. - Ohh

I cannot stand those two. I know.

Last week when their kid beat Abby at the gymnastics meet

Debbie you did such a good job.

It's more the way she said it, than the what she said.

- Ugh. - Yeah, no, I know exactly what you mean.

If I have to listen to their "we're better than you"

breathy hyena laugh one more time,

I cannot be held responsible for what I do.

- Oh, hi, guys! - Hi, guys!

You!

Oh, I just love that you guys

- drop off your kids together, too. - Mm-hmm.

There is nothing like a relaxing drive to school

to digest a big breakfast.

Today I made a smoked salmon Benedict

on these homemade croissant that I do.

It's just... you know, it's fun and easy.

So, guys, big day for the weavers.

Our fam wants to invite your fam

to a big bash we are throwing on Halloween night.

- Here. - Would you... Bup. Yeah. Bup!

I... scary, huh?

I designed that. I design cards now.

So, are you guys in?

You know, ooh, we, um, have, uh...

Another party. ...Church.

We have a Halloween church party.

- We're wiccan. - Yeah.

Oh, well, you know what? You're probably better off.

We're having a family-costume contest.

You know, and we do have something really special planned.

- But, you know, whatever. - Tad, don't oversell it.

Oh, aah, guilty.

He's not, though.

It really is... It's quite a costume.

You know what? We... we could...

We could probably make your party, after all.

Yeah, and FYI, we have a pretty spectacular

family costume planned, as well, so...

Oh, good. Okay. But what about your church party?

We're thinking of quitting church.

- Too many parties. - Yeah.

Fab! That's such good news.

Guys, no hands. No hands!

Oh, that's so... that's so stupid.

Marty, we have got to win that costume contest!

It's become the new focus of my entire life. Yes.

Ohh.

Aah! I know. I know.

♪ We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey ♪

♪ we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee ♪

♪ then the humans moved next door ♪

♪ started testing all our limits ♪

♪ so sit right down, enjoy the show ♪

♪ we'll be done in 30 minutes.

♪ Children, have you ever met the bogeyman before? ♪

♪ No, of course, you haven't

♪ for you're much too good, I'm sure ♪

♪ don't you be afraid of him if he should visit you ♪

♪ he's a great big coward, so I'll tell you what to do ♪

Family, I have an announcement.

I was just in a thing called a Jewish deli

because I was intrigued by something in the window

called a kosher pickle.

Oh, Amber eats those during lunch.

It makes her kisses taste extra sour.

Stay focused.

Now, the man behind the counter

told me about a Jewish holiday

called C-Chanukah.

Ooh, I love that "c-ch" sound you just made. Tell me more.

Well, a very long time ago,

a Jewish temple was trashed by bad guys,

and there was an oil lamp in the temple

that was never supposed to go out.

And there was only enough oil to burn the lamp for one day.

Let me guess.

So the lamp burned for one night and then ran out of oil.

No, that little bit of oil

burned for eight days until they could get more.

But how, papa?

It was a miracle.

So to celebrate,

the jewishes light candles and get presents

every night for eight nights.

I wish Halloween was eight nights.

Family, a mission.

We shall take the two best holidays on this planet

and combine them into one new, ultimate holiday.

All right, I'm in!

But how does one celebrate flag day-ramadan?

No, woman. I'm talking about Challo-nukah-ween.

Hanuk-loo-kah-wah-kah-kah-kah.

Hallo-haka-hah!

I have it!

Drumroll, please, dick!

Dick, I haven't got all day. Come on. Pick up.

We shall combine... Halloween and Chanukah.

It's called...

Challoweenukah.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Cool!

Well, it's cute, but it's no Flamadan.

So, Halloween...

I was thinking I'd go as young Yoko Ono,

and you could go as old Yoko Ono

because we already have the hair.

Actually, I'm going to spend Halloween

with my family this year.

Father is inventing the greatest holiday

of all time.

Oh.

I-is that okay?

Yeah. Totally.

Are you sure?

Uh-huh.

Is this a thing?

Not a thing.

Reggie, what do I always say?

"Take your finger out of your nose, Reggie.

It's disgusting."

True that.

But I also say I'm not the type of girl

that needs to spend every second with her boyfriend.

Exactly... it's one of ther easons that I'm glad

I'm with you and not crazy Jane.

Nor do I mind that you once again

brought up your stalker soul mate

while blowing me off on a major holiday.

It doesn't bother me at all.

- Great. - Great.

Great...Is how I cleaned this counter... so great.

Great, great, great.

Hmm.

Reggie, take your finger out of your nose.

It's disgusting.

Chanukah is a holiday about miracles

that lasts for eight days.

And Halloween is about candy and adorable costumes.

And we shall combine the two

for an unprecedented eight days of candy...

Dreidels,

pumpkins, and miracles.

- Aww! - Aww! - Aww!

Any questions?

Yes, the, uh, cutie-patootie up front.

Well... Not you.

The bite-sized ginger snap to your left.

It appears Halloween and Chanukah

have nothing in common... Annoying!

Yes. You.

What's the deal with candy corn?

It's not candy, and it's not corn, so...

No, not a good question. Sorry.

Yes.

Is it "C-Chanukah" or "Chan-ukah"?

Who cares? It's eight days. Yes.

- What is a miracle? - A miracle is an unexpected,

completely extraordinary event

that occurs when you least expect it.

Oh, like when we found out

we were pregnant with dick.

No, that was an accident.

Hey, guys. I'm sitting right here.

You were planned.

So, we're gonna come up

with the ultimate family Halloween costume.

We're gonna go to the hollanders, and we're going to...

Well, how do I put this delicately?

Demolish them!

Kick their smug, spray-tanned butts!

Yeah, but delicately.

They think they're so fancy

with their good hygiene and their top-shelf healthcare.

"Ooh, we're the Hollanders. We have all our vaccinations.

We can't get the smallpox."

They deserve everything they got coming.

And Blake Hollander is the most annoying kid in my class.

He calls show-and-tell "my time to shine."

And whenever I play house with Lanie Hollander,

she makes me be the maid, and I have to empty my pockets

to prove I didn't steal the good silver.

I hate the Hollanders!

Hey, hey! Weavers don't hate.

- We apprec... - Destroy!

Really?! Come on!

"Weavers don't hate. We appreciate," is your line.

Amber, we're gonna need 100% participation

to pull this off.

Yeah, I'm in. It's not like I have anything better to do.

That's so great. You got nothing.

Thank you for that.

Okay. Let's brainstorm.

♪ What's spooky and miraculous and lasts for eight days? ♪

Larry, now is not a good time. ♪ the best holiday

♪ it's called Challoweenukah - Larry, we have to...

♪ So, come spend the next eight days with ♪

- Oh? ♪ me and Jack...

Didn't even get to the bridge.

All right, come on. What is a good five-person costume?

Everyone, think.

We can be the seasons.

There's only four, baby.

Nuh-unh!

Winter, spring,

summer, autumn,

and fall.

One problem at a time.

We will be celebrating Challoweenukah

without the Weavers

because they have callously rejected our invitation

to join us for Challoweenukah.

Chop-chop, everyone. Let's get our Challoweenukah on.

Challoweenukah starts tonight. It's spooky and miraculous.

Be there or be square.

Challoweenukah... A new holiday by Larry Bird.

Join me tonight.

♪

Nobody's gonna know we're the Obamas.

What if we paint our faces?

- No, no. - No, Abby. - That's a bad idea.

What?

♪

The dreidel won't spin.

We don't need the Weavers

any more than the maccabees needed the, um...Uh...

Are you seriously looking at me for this?

The cast of "Sex and the city." Now, this could work.

I don't know what looks more delicious...

That cosmo or the hunk serving it.

- No. - Too creepy. - Absolutely not.

♪

Husband, we haven't had one trick-or-treater.

This is worse than your one-man show.

"Keep calm and Larry on" was a masterpiece.

Was it?

See? We're basket Weavers

'cause our last name is Weaver!

We had a better shot at winning in blackface.

Children?

Come take treats from my candy menorah.

♪

Oh, trick-or-treaters, where are you?

Children?! Anyone?!

Why doesn't anyone like my holiday?

Oh, husband, maybe we should get ready

to celebrate Halloween classic.

You can write off Challoweenukah as...

As a-a noble failure

like the American jury system or MySpace.

You want to give up?

No, way, Monet.

We just need one miracle.

Face it, father. We should just have a regular Halloween.

- No "ukah"? - No "ukah."

- A little "ukah"? - No more "ukah."

- Damn. - Hmm.

You infidels give up if you want to.

The Weavers dismissed me. Why shouldn't you?

But we still have two days of Challoweenukah left.

And if the children won't come to me,

then I shall bring my holiday to them.

Challoweenukah may have been a bust,

but I love that you and I

are spending time together without Amber.

I can't figure out why she isn't answering my texts.

Oh, who knows why women do the things they do?

It started around the time

I told her I was going to spend Halloween

with my family and not her.

It seems fairly obvious that she...

That there's no way of knowing what's wrong.

Are you ready to carve our Jack-o-lanterns?

Yeah.

I'll get the stencils.

What?!

Last year, he spent Halloween with Amber.

So this year, he should spend it with me.

Just like last month,

he spent their anniversary with her.

So this month, he'll have to spend it with me.

Yeesh!

Remember I have karate after school today.

Nope, not going.

We're hunkering down and figuring out a costume

for tonight if it kills us.

Why would it kill us?

Scram!

I still like basket Weavers.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Geez! How are we giving these to our children?!

Marty, you spit pop-tart all over me!

Aah!

Oh, it's burning my skin. These really are hot.

Beep!

Beep! Uh-oh.

Deb, you have some... Some crumbs on your...

Thanks, larke.

Super-excited for tonight.

Yeah, well, our costumes can't lose.

Well, then, how about we make a friendly wager?

Let's say $5,000...

Honey, they can't afford that. Have you seen their house?

How about instead, whoever loses the contest

has to wear their ugly costumes to drop-off

every morning for a week?

Ha ha!

You got a deal.

Well, then, this is gonna be a hoot.

Ciao!

Ciao.

Ha ha!

They didn't think we could afford the bet!

We can't. I know!

I hate them so much!

I hate them, too.

This is probably not the time,

but you have pop-tart in your hair.

I know! I smell it burning!

Children?

Gather 'round!

I've created a magical new holiday.

And the weavers don't care, so I've brought it to you.

Come closer.

Come closer to my van.

Now...Who wants candy?

Mom!

Happy challoweenukah.

Ohh. Amber still hasn't returned any of my texts.

If only I knew what I did to upset her.

If she was happy, I'd be happy.

Oh, you're happy now. No, I'm not.

You're thrilled. Don't over-think it.

I feel like death!

Oh, I can't! Ohh!

Amber is upset

because she wants to spend Halloween with you,

but you have chosen to spend it with your family instead.

No way. She always says she's not one of those girls.

When women on this planet say,

"I'm not one of those girls," it means...

"I'm definitely one of those girls,

"but it would make me feel better

if you pretended that I wasn't but treated me like I was."

That's so complicated!

I know, son.

Females on earth can get a bit ridiculous.

Mother, did you know she felt this way all along

and withheld the truth in order to spend more time with me?

Of course not!

I'm not one of those mothers.

Okay, good.

I'm gonna figure out how to fix things with Amber.

Hmm. Thank you, mother.

I'm very proud of you, Jackie joyner-kersee.

You did the right thing.

I know. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

Ohh, what the hell?!

Strange. That's never done that before.

Hmm.

I got to say, guys, we really did it.

BLT, assemble.

This is awesome!

We might really win this thing.

Okay, but you guys have to stand next to me.

Out of context, I look like poo.

Oh, don't worry, honey. We will not leave your side.

Now, let's go wipe those smug looks

off the Hollanders' nip-tuck faces!

Yes!

Larry Bird is in jail! Cancel all your plans!

We have to go to the police station right now

and rescue him s... Great costume.

You guys should enter it in a contest.

Larry's in jail?!

Does he even have I.D. or fingerprints?

Come on, everyone. Out of these costumes.

We've got to go help him.

Hurry! Costumes off!

All right, costumes stay on.

- Come on. - Okay, let's go.

Screw it. It's Halloween.

We won't be the only ones

at the police station in costume.

Nope. We're the only ones.

My bad.

He's right over here.

Oh, my darling husband!

Wife!

Get me out of this cage.

They built a toilet with no walls.

And my roommate is not modest.

Larry, why were you

trying to lure kids into a van with candy?

Because I just wanted someone

to celebrate Challoweenukah with me.

Challo... what?

Don't you remember my invitation song?

What? The thing with the ukulele?

Yes!

You know, the next time

someone sings you an invitation song, listen.

'Cause the chances are

they worked very hard on it.

I'm sure they had a very good reason

for ignoring you, husband.

Yeah, well, we were, uh, busy getting ready for a party.

Oh, but I'm sure it was a Halloween fundraiser

for sick children.

No, we were trying to impress people we hate.

Oh, but I'm sure you hate them

because they hurt you or your loved ones.

No, we hate them because they're rich and happy.

Oh. So...

They're good people, Jackie! We're the bad people!

It's us. Right here.

Someone tell me what's happening here.

And why is she dressed like poop?

Did I not say that I looked like poop?

BLT, assemble.

Still awesome!

You should enter that in a contest.

Mm-hmm.

It's a good thing

my cousin was on duty tonight, Larry.

Yes, congratulations

on your well-connected police-officer cousin, Marty.

At least one Weaver amounted to something in this world.

So fulfilling to help you, Larry.

Really a priceless feeling.

What's this?

I hope I'm not too late, Amber.

I was hoping that we could go as bacon and eggs this year.

This is just 'cause you want to, right?

- 'Cause you know I... - I know.

- ♪ The cable car begins to move - you don't care.

- ♪ You grab the bar - I don't want to go to the party.

- ♪ I look at you - I want to stay here with Reggie.

But without you, your family's just an LT

And nothing is more important to your family

than their precious costume party.

I don't get it, Larry!

Why is Challoweenukah so important to you?!

Because it's not fair!

Every few weeks,

you get to explain a new holiday to us.

Larry, if we're annoying you, we'll stop.

No, we love celebrating with you guys.

You gave Jackie a Thanksgiving dinner

with her sisters,

all of us our first Christmas morning,

and remember Dick's face

when he blew out his birthday candles?

I thought it would be nice if, for once,

I could be the one doing that to your faces.

♪ You grab the bar, I look at you ♪ - Stupid, I know.

We're gonna be dressed as bread for a week, aren't we?

Well, at least we're not the poop.

Larry.

Could we spend Challoweenukah with your family?

♪ This is not some one-way mirror - Well, I mean, if that's what you all want,

♪ looking out at the world we're in ♪ - I-I mean, I-I-I won't stop you.

♪ we are the love, we are the love we give ♪

It's really coming down out there.

We should probably stay in

and give out candy to the kids who are already out.

We don't have enough.

Officer Watson confiscated all my candy.

I have only one bag left.

And how will we make one bag last all night

on this, the eighth night?

Well, I think with the storm...

There aren't gonna be many kids out.

There might be enough just to last the night.

It's a miracle.

Oh, boy. I think a tree hit the power.

It sure is dark in here.

Oh, wow!

Not to worry.

This should last us through the night.

This is even more like the oil.

Dad, we're following it.

You don't have to hit everything so hard.

Trick or treat!

We're celebrating Challoweenukah.

I can explain.

Challoweenukah is a combination of...

Well, you know what?

Hey, Larry. You want to take this one?

A long, long time ago,

I was in a thing called a Jewish deli,

intrigued by something called a kosher pickle.

An old man told me about a wonderful holiday

called Chanukah.

Chanukah...

Best Challoweenukah ever, huh?

Definitely top five.

Have a nice day, guys.

Yeah, we love you.

We love you, too.

We're really sorry about what we're about to do.

Truly, deeply.

Who are you, crazy bread lady?!

Stay away from me! Come on, Abby!

Let's get away from these strangers

who we don't know and aren't our parents!

Remember, we gave you life!

And a beautiful Challoweenukah!

This feels wrong.

Yeah. Let's go, baby.