Original subtitles

- WHEN NORMAL PEOPLE TRAVEL, THEY FLY OR DRIVE,

ANYTHING BUT THIS.

IT'S NOT SANITARY.

- IT'S NOSTALGIC.

WHY DON'T YOU RELAX?

YOU TURN INTO A REAL MANIAC ON THESE TRIPS.

- I AM RELAXED.

I'M MORE RELAXED THAN YOU'LL EVER BE.

- IT'S NOT A COMPETITION.

IT'S A VACATION.

- DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING?

- I'M FOLLOWING THE DIRECTIONS.

GPS IS NEVER WRONG.

- I'M GETTING CLAUSTROPHOBIC.

- HERE WE ARE.

HMM.

- AHH!

CASA DE CALMA.

THE FANCIEST SCHMANCIEST RESORT ON EARTH.

WHAT, IS "CASA DE CALMA" SPANISH FOR "FALSE ADVERTISING"?

- EH, I THINK WE'RE LOST, DOC.

NEVER BUY A GPS FROM A VENDING MACHINE.

[SPLASH]

HEY, ISN'T THAT YOUR UNCLE?

- HEY, DAFFY! IT'S ME, UNCLE--AAH!

UHH!

- I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT MAN BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

LET'S GO.

- NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT.

SURFING, SCUBA DIVING, SKY DIVING, ALLIGATOR WRESTLING,

CLIFF JUMPING.

THERE'S SO MANY RISKY ACTIVITIES

THAT REQUIRE SKILLS I DON'T HAVE,

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.

WHERE'S ALL YOUR STUFF?

- I'VE GOT EVERYTHING I NEED RIGHT HERE--

MARY HIGGINS CLARK AND MY SPF 30.

I'M NOT GONNA LIVE LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW,

I'M GONNA LOUNGE LIKE THERE'S NO TODAY.

- [GIGGLING]

- OOH, LA LA.

IT'S THE FAMOUS STARLET, STARLETT JOHANSSON.

- OOH! SHE'S MINE! YOU HEAR ME?

MINE! MINE! MINE!

I'M THE ONE WHO'S ALWAYS LOVED HER.

I'VE SEEN ALL OF HER MOVIES.

I'M HER BIGGEST FAN.

WHAT'S HER NAME AGAIN?

- PBBLT.

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD LET THAT ONE SLIDE?

YEAH, ME, NEITHER.

- IF THERE'S ONE THING WOMEN LOVE,

IT'S A GUY WHO KNOWS HOW TO SHOW OFF.

AND SNORE. AND CHEW WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN.

THAT MAKES ME A TRIPLE THREAT.

BEHOLD MASCULINITY PERSONIFIED.

OH!

AAH!

- AAH!

UGH!

- [COUGHS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

- I SHOULD HAVE STARTED WITH THE HIGH DIVE.

EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU ALWAYS START WITH THE HIGH DIVE.

[GASPS]

NICE TRY, RABBIT.

BUT IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA SWOOP IN AND STEAL THE LOVE OF MY LIFE,

WHOSE NAME ESCAPES ME AT THE MOMENT,

THEN YOU ARE WRONG.

R-O-N-G!

WRONG!

- AHH. THIS IS HEAVEN.

WAIT A SECOND.

[AIR HISSES]

- THIS IS HEAVEN.

- OH!

OHH!

- CARROT COLADA?

[WATER BUBBLES]

- [GIGGLES]

OH, STOP.

[LAUGHTER]

- I SHOULD HAVE STARTED WITH A PLATFORM.

FIRST RULE OF CHARMING A WOMAN--

ALWAYS DIVE FROM THE HIGHEST POINT POSSIBLE.

SECOND RULE-- DO NOT [GULP] PLUMMET TO YOUR DEATH.

[SATELLITE BEEPING]

- [GULPS, BLABBERING]

SWAN POSITION.

INTO DOUBLE GAINER.

INTO REVERSE TRIPLE GAINER.

JACKSON'S PIPE.

THIS IS THE GREATEST DIVE EVER DONE.

ASSUME ENTRY POSITION.

AND NAILED IT!

- THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.

NOT A SINGLE SPLASH.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WATER?

- OH, IS THAT WHAT THIS DOES?

- [GIGGLES]

- UHH. UNH!

- WANT TO PLAY A ROUND OF GOLF?

- YOU MEAN THE WORLD'S MOST BORING GAME?

NO THANKS, GRANDPA.

WANNA PLAY A ROUND OF GOLF?

- I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS BORING.

- BORING? IT'S NOT BORING.

IT'S THE SPORT OF KINGS.

- THAT'S TENNIS.

- IT'S AMERICA'S PAST TIME.

- THAT'S BASEBALL.

- IT'S THE CITY BY THE BAY.

- THAT'S SAN FRANCISCO.

- YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY-- WELL, I SAY POTATO, TOO.

DOES ANYONE SAY "POT-AH-TO"?

I MEAN, REALLY, WHO SAYS THAT?

NAME ONE PERSON WHO SAYS "POT-AH-TO."

YOU CAN'T. BECAUSE NO ONE SAYS IT.

NO ONE ON EARTH SAYS "POT-AH-TO."

SO THIS IS A MUTE POINT.

- IT'S MOOT.

- YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY POT-AH-TO.

UGH.

MMM.

JUST HIT THE DARN BALL!

- DO YOU MIND?

YOU'RE RUINING MY CONCENTRATION.

- HURRY UP AND CONCENTRATE.

WHY AREN'T YOU CONCENTRATING?

CONCENTRATE!

OH, FORGET IT!

GREAT SHOT. LET'S GO.

- WHAT ABOUT YOUR SHOT?

- FROM HERE? ARE YOU CRAZY?

- [GIGGLING]

OH. HEH.

[ENGINE REVVING] - OH!

DAFFY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING.

- I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

SAND? WHAT'S SAND DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF A GOLF COURSE?

IT'S LIKE SOME KIND OF TRAP.

[ENGINE REVVING]

- MORE LOUNGING AROUND?

IS THAT WHAT WE NEED RIGHT NOW?

- WHAT DO YOU NEED?

THIS?

- I'LL SEND YOU A POSTCARD FROM OUR HONEYMOON!

- HE WAS A GOOD MAN.

EH, WHO AM I KIDDING? HE WAS A MAN.

WHO AM I KIDDING? HE WAS A DUCK.

- [GASPING]

WHAT'S WATER DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF A GOLF COURSE?

IT'S LIKE SOME KIND OF HAZARD.

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET HER?

WELL, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF--

- I'LL SEND YOU A POSTCARD FROM OUR HONEYMOON.

YOO-HOO.

MIND IF I JOIN YOU?

I SEEM TO HAVE LOST MY PARTNER.

- [GIGGLES]

OHH.

- AHH, A CASTLE FIT FOR A KING.

- HA! SAND CASTLES?

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA IMPRESS WHAT'S HER NAME WITH SAND CASTLES?

HA. KID STUFF.

- HAVE YOU EVER EVEN TALKED TO A GIRL?

- WHY BOTHER? TALK IS CHEAP.

LADIES LOVE ACTION.

THE BIGGER AND DUMBER THE BETTER.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE TAKING ME PARASAILING.

DON'T GO TOO FAST OR TOO SLOW.

AAH!

ARE YOU NUTS?

- SORRY, MY MISTAKE.

THEY SHOULD REALLY LABEL THESE BUTTONS MORE CLEARLY.

I'LL TRY ANOTHER ONE.

- AAH!

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

UHH! UHH! AAH!

WOW, I'M FLYING.

I'M LIKE A BIRD.

WAIT, I AM A BIRD.

I'M LIKE A PLANE.

HEY, GOOD-LOOKIN', WHAT'S...COOKIN',

BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE...

YOU'RE STIRRING UP SOME LOVE STEW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK YOU SHOULD DO?

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT AFTER THE BOAT TURNS AROUND.

I THINK YOU SHOULD GIVE...

ME A GREAT BIG...

GLASS OF GINGER ALE 'CAUSE I'M...

GETTING SICK OF GOING BACK...AND FORTH.

BLAH!

WAH!

YEACK!

UGH.

COME ON, WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS,

POINT YOUR LOOKING BALLS AT YOUR FUTURE EX-HUSBAND.

YOU DUMB FAMOUS ACTRESS!

UHH!

[GROANS]

GAH!

- [CRACKS NECK]

- OK, I'M READY TO GET DOWN NOW.

- WHAT'S THAT?

YOU WANT A PET CLOWN?

YOU'RE KIND OF OLD FOR CLOWNS AREN'T YOU, DOC?

- I WANT TO GET DOWN!

- SORRY, DOC, YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP.

- PUT ME ON THE BEACH!

- WELL, ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK.

- AAH!

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

- EH, KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR ANY PAPARAZZI.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

- ♪♪ DOWN IN JUAREZ, MEXICO ♪♪

♪♪ IN A SMALL ADOBE HOUSE ♪♪

♪♪ ROSALITA GONZALEZ GAVE BIRTH ♪♪

♪♪ TO A HANDSOME LITTLE MOUSE ♪♪

- ♪♪ THE WHOLE TOWN CAME TO CELEBRATE ♪♪

♪♪ THE BABY BEING BORN ♪♪

- ♪♪ BUT WHEN THEY GOT BACK HOME THEY FOUND ♪♪

♪♪ THAT ALL THE CHEESE WAS ♪♪

- ♪♪ GONE ♪♪

- ♪♪ YOU WILL ONLY HEAR THE BREEZE ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN HE COMES TO STEAL YOUR CHEESE ♪♪

- ♪♪ QUESO BANDITO ♪♪

- AHA!

- ♪♪ HE'LL SET FIRE TO THE STREET ♪♪

♪♪ WITH HIS TINY MOUSY FEET ♪♪

♪♪ TO THE MARIACHI BEAT ♪♪

- ♪♪ QUESO BANDITO ♪♪

- ♪♪ DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHEESE UNATTENDED ♪♪

♪♪ CHEDDAR, MONTEREY JACK, OR BLENDED ♪♪

♪♪ I WILL SNEAK INSIDE OF YOUR PUEBLO ♪♪

♪♪ RELIEVE YOU OF ALL YOUR MANCHEGO ♪♪

- ♪♪ CAREFUL NOT TO TAKE A SIESTA ♪♪

♪♪ YOU WILL HAVE NO CHEESE ♪♪

♪♪ FOR FIESTA ♪♪

- [CHEERING]

- ♪♪ ALWAYS CHASED BY THE FEDERALES ♪♪

♪♪ BUT THEY ATE TOO MANY TAMALES ♪♪

- ♪♪ THEY CAN'T CATCH ME IF THEY TRY ♪♪

- ♪♪ HE'LL OUTRUN THEM EVERY TIME ♪♪

♪♪ QUESO BANDITO ♪♪

- AHA!

[SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING]

- THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF A FUN VACATION ACTIVITY?

DOING NOTHING?

- IT'S NOT JUST DOING NOTHIN'.

IT'S DOING NOTHIN' WITH NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

- YOU GONNA EAT YOUR SALAD?

WOW, LOOK!

IT'S THAT LADY I'M IN LOVE WITH!

[HEART THUMPING]

MAYBE A BEAUTY DAY IS JUST WHAT I NEED.

- BEAUTY DAY?

YOU NEED A MONTH JUST FOR YOUR EYEBROWS.

[BOTH SIGH]

- JOE? I DON'T WANT A MASSAGE FROM JOE.

YOU TAKE HIM. OFF YOU GO.

I WANT LESLIE.

YOU MUST BE LESLIE.

- [STRAINING]

- NO, I'M JOSEPHINE.

JOE FOR SHORT.

- WELL, THEN WHO'S LESLIE?

- I'M LESLIE. WHERE DO YOU HOLD YOUR STRESS?

- [GRUNTING]

- YOU'RE LIKE ONE BIG KNOT.

- OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

[GRUNTING]

- [SIGHS]

- [GRUNTING]

- [GROANING] - [SIGHING]

- [GROANS, GROWLS]

- [SIGHS]

THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN DOING NOTHING TO NEW AGE MUSIC

IS DOING NOTHING TO NEW AGE MUSIC

IN A 160-DEGREE SAUNA.

- IT'S NOT HOT ENOUGH.

MY BACK IS KILLING ME.

PUT MORE HEAT ON!

- WHAT'S THE MAGIC WORD?

- I'M DYIN'!

- SORRY.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS "PLEASE."

I ALSO WOULD HAVE ACCEPTED "SHAZAM."

- [GROWLS] GIVE ME THAT.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT, YOU GOTTA DO IT YOURSELF.

[COALS SIZZLING]

- UNH!

EUREKA! I'M CURED!

ACK.

- GOTTA HAND IT TO THOSE MINERALS.

I LOOK LIKE A KID AGAIN.

CHECK OUT THAT TAIL.

LIKE COTTON CANDY.

WELL, TIME'S UP, DOC. YOU BETTER GET OUT.

- OH, NO.

I'M GONNA SOAK IN THESE MINERALS

UNTIL I'M SO YOUNG AND CUTE,

WHAT'S-HER-FACE WILL HAVE NO CHOICE

BUT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME.

- SUIT YOURSELF.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

- THE BUTLER'S BUTLER DID IT, HUH?

MARY HIGGINS CLARK, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

[GASPS] I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING!

[GASPS]

- DO I LOOK YOUNGER?

- ♪♪ LA DA DA DEE ♪♪

♪♪ DA DEE DEE DEE DOO ♪♪

♪♪ LA DA DA DA ♪♪

♪♪ LA DA DA DA DEE ♪♪

- MM, GOOD LOOKING AND GREAT WITH KIDS?

- AND I COOK, TOO.

- [GIGGLES]

- EVEN YOU WOULDN'T HIT A BABY.

[WIND GUSTING]

[SQUEAKING]

- MEEP! MEEP!

[WHOOSH]

[WHOOSH]

[THUD]

[WHOOSH]

[WHOOSH]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[THUD]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

- "PLEASE TAKE CARE OF ME."

[GASPS] MAMA!

LOOKS LIKE WE GOT US ANOTHER MOUTH TO FEED!

- AW, AIN'T HE PRECIOUS?

GIVE HIM HERE SO'S I CAN HUG HIM.

- BUT I WANT TO HUG HIM. I FOUND HIM.

OH, YOU CUTIE...

- [EXHALES]

THEY GET A BABY...

AND I GET A BABE.

- [GIGGLING]

- [STAMMERS] THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!