Original subtitles

[female voice] Darling, I probably shouldn't

be writing to you,

but I can't get you out of my mind.

That weekend we spent in Vermont was the most powerful

experience of my life.

You are the most perfect man that was ever created,

and I must have you.

[mailman ] Uh, what are you doing?

Reading a letter.

That's not addressed to you.

Oh, is that a crime?

Yes. This is your mail.

Look, here's a 20 spot if you give me back the letter.

Bribing a government official is also a crime.

And is this counterfeit money?

What? You're gonna tell me that's a crime, too?

Last time I checked, I was living in America.

Ooh! Look over there!

[screaming]

See what happens when you people don't let me read your mail?!

Soon as I can make a counterfeit passport,

I'm moving to Mexico.

[theme music playing]

Restraining order. Medical bill.

Invitation to my high school reunion.

Another restraining order.

What are you throwing that out for?

You can't restrain me. I'm a free spirit.

Not that, the invitation to your high school reunion.

A bunch of people standing around

Talking about their babies and their minivans?

Huh. Sounds thrilling.

You should be excited to go to your reunion.

You always said high school was the greatest time of your life.

Hmm, that's true.

High school was epic.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

There were three seconds left,

And everyone knew I was taking the last shot.

[stammering] Hi, I'm P-P-Porky Pig.

Yeah, that's great.

I'm Daffy Duck, the guy who didn't ask.

Now beat it!

Now, where was I? Oh, right.

So I get the ball. The clock starts ticking.

Three, two... nothing but net.

[girls giggling]

Daffy Duck gets all the pretty girls.

Is this seat taken?

No, it's right there. You're looking right at it.

Greetings.

I'm Marvin the foreign exchange student.

Oh. Where are you from?

Mars.

Well, ladies, I'd better get to class.

Those straight "A"s aren't going to make themselves.

[girls giggling]

Hi, Daffy.

Well, aren't you sweet?

In fact, the only thing sweeter than you

is that cake over there.

Hey, cake for the lady!

You know what? Cake for everybody!

It's on me.

[cheering]

Are you nerds enjoying the cake?

It's stupendous.

Yum!

Is that really on you?

No, it's on you!

[laughing]

Daffy Duck! Daffy Duck!

Daffy Duck! Daffy Duck!

Yech, I bet Porky's not going to the reunion.

But you were the big man on campus.

Why wouldn't you want to go?

Look at my life now.

I live in a dump. No offense.

I have a stupid roommate. No offense.

And I've piled up tons of credit card debt. No offense.

Why would I take offense to that?

Because I used your credit car.

The point is I peaked in high school!

At least you got to go to high school.

You didn't go to high school?

Let's just say my youth was unconventional.

What was so unconventional about your youth?

It's not important.

My unconventional, incomparable, inimitable youth

is not important. What is important

is that you attend this reunion.

Why do you want me to go to my reunion so bad?

Because you can. Don't you see?

You have the opportunity to do something I can only dream of:

stand around with people you barely remember,

reminiscing about the big game,

-senior prom, homework! -You're weird.

All right, the reunion's on Saturday,

Which means you have

a whole week to make something out of your life.

I can't make something of my life in five days.

You can with my help,

and a week is seven days.

Five. I'm not letting this cut into my weekend.

That's my "me time." I'll see you on Monday morning.

Eh, that's a little ambitious. Monday afternoon.

You know what? Nothing ever gets done on a Monday.

Let's start Tuesday, noon...

ish.

This is you in high school, which I don't need to remind you

I never got to go to.

And this is you now.

There's only four days until your reunion.

A reunion that I would love to attend, by the way.

So we don't have much time to get you from here to here.

How do we do it?

Hmm, let me think.

You've got to do something special, something admirable,

something heroic.

Like destroy the earth!

More like, I don't know, climb Mount Everest?

[gasps] That's it!

Everyone at the reunion would hail the conquering hero!

[screams echoing]

[hisses]

You know what? I can't climb Mount Everest

because I don't have a winter jacket.

-You could buy. -Nope.

-You could borrow. -Nope.

I can't climb Mount Everest

because I don't have a winter jacket.

Shame. Well, I think that was a good day one.

-Same time tomorrow? -Probably not tomorrow.

I'm pretty blown out. Let's shoot for Thursday.

You know what? I have a thing on Thursday.

Friday, I swear. See you Saturday!

-So when's this reunion again? -It's tonight.

What? What have you been doing this whole time?

I guess I'm not going to my reunion.

We've got to go! I mean you've got to go.

And there's still something you can do

to impress everyone at the reunion.

And it's not destroy the earth.

Then what is it?

I'm ruining my manicure. Give me your quarter.

I'm starting to think

the odds of winning the lottery are pretty low.

[gasps] Three sixes? Three sixes!

I won! I won the lottery! I'm rich!

We can go to your reunion!

I mean you can go to your reunion.

I'm so happy for you!

Happy and jealous! Mostly jealous!

Ha ha! I'm rich! I'm rich!

I knew I didn't peak in high school!

Daffy, you didn't get three sixes.

You were holding it upside-down.

You got three nines.

Besides, you were playing lucky eights.

This is hopeless.

Excuse me. Do you have a quarter for the parking meter?

No.

But you're holding a quarter.

What, this? This isn't a quarter.

That's not a quarter?

No. This is a fake.

I'm Agent Jimmy Glass, and this is Agent Ira Buttles,

and we're with the Treasury Department.

We're investigating

a highly illegal counterfeit operation in the area.

I'm gonna need to see your wallet.

Oh! Uh, of course.

Yep, this one looks a little iffy.

Gonna have to run some tests. Now get out of here.

But keep your eyes and ears open!

That's it! I thought in order to go to the reunion,

You needed to be someone you're not... a success.

But it turns out you should just go

as someone you already are... a liar.

You want me to go to the reunion

and just lie about how successful I am?

That's a horrible idea!

I'm lying. It's a great idea.

Or was that a lie?

This lying could get out of control.

Or is that a lie?

The lying is in control!

Oh, brudder.

Well, after high school,

I just had to get away from it all,

get back to what's important: the land.

[ding]

I've got about 30,000 acres in Montana.

[ding]

Probably about 50,000 head of cattle.

[ding]

That's about two heads of cattle per acre. Yeah.

[ding]

I love a cattle drive.

[ding]

Too much spitting.

I signed up after graduation.

I heard the call of duty, and I answered.

Oh, this?

What you call heroism, I call duty.

Believe me, when you're doing your duty,

you don't think about the fact that you're doing your duty.

It's your duty. You just do it.

You do your duty.

Too much saying the word "duty."

[gruff voice] I'm Batman.

So what lie did you settle on?

One lie is too limiting.

It's gonna be a big reunion. I can tell a lot of lies.

That couldn't possibly backfire.

What are you saying?

Well, if I were you, I'd bring someone along

to help you keep track of all those lies.

But who would want to go to someone else's reunion?

Me! I want to go to your reunion!

You? Then why didn't you say something earlier?

[music playing]

Just stay close.

The lies are about to get complicated.

Name?

Count Leopold von Lichtenstein.

How do you spell that?

Bob Jones.

Well, which one is it?

Uh, both!

Eh, maybe ease into the lies.

This is him.

Whew, that was close.

Promise me you won't leave my side the rest of the night.

I promise.

[gasps] Are those lockers?

Bugs! Bugs!

[music playing]

♪ Party tonight ♪

[siren]

♪ I say, I say, Everyday I go out walkin' ♪

♪ All them ladies Start to squawkin' ♪

♪ 'Cause they know that I'm The coolest bird around ♪

[hens sighing]

♪ Now, son, I've been to Paris On a boat with 50 sails ♪

♪ Got thrown into the water, And I wrestled me a whale ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a bird of action, I don't just talk the talk ♪

♪ One thing about Old foghorn, son ♪

♪ I'm the cock of the walk ♪

♪ I redesigned the Taj Mahal And painted every room ♪

♪ I drive a big ol' Monster truck ♪

♪ That runs on cheap perfume ♪

♪ I've won Olympic gold For every race I've ever run ♪

♪ And I got a Nobel prize Just for havin' too much fun ♪

♪ A tiger tried to eat me, But I punched him in the nose ♪

♪ I caught the loch-ness monster And a flock of UFOs ♪

♪ Harvard hired me to be their Number one head teacher ♪

♪ I won an Oscar ♪

♪ For Best Rooster In an animated feature ♪

♪ I walk into the hen house ♪

♪ All the chickens Start to squawk ♪

♪ You look at me, you're lookin' At the cock of the walk ♪

[squawking]

♪ You look at me, You really see the ♪

♪ Cock of the walk ♪

Bugs! Bugs!

Remember me? We were in homeroom together.

Oh, hey, Tanya. Long time no see.

Whatcha been up to?

Me? Oh, I, uh--uh--

Are you married?

Married? Uh, yes, happily married.

Very happily married, to a model.

Wow. Any kids?

Two kids. Boy and a girl. Tegan and Cassidy.

Also models.

Gee. Well, it's great to see you.

It's great to see you, Tanya!

What was I so worried about? I don't need Bugs.

Heh, heh! Elliot Howser.

Oh, Heidi Gardner.

-Heh heh! Jimmy Banket. -Friends of yours?

Oh, I don't know any of these people.

[gasps] Andy Friedman.

Did you hear that Daffy Duck

won a bronze medal at the Olympics?

[gasps] I'm supposed to be keeping track of Daffy's lies!

And instead, I've been standing around drinking punch.

Well, I'm now the head

of a very profitable non-profit organization.

I used to be a pro surfer,

but after the shark attack, I had an epiphany

and decided to dedicate my life to the betterment of society.

And I'm also a model.

Sorry, Daff. OK, what lies have you told so far?

Bugs, relax. I've got this under control.

-Really? -Easy breezy.

It's like stealing babies from a candy store.

Go enjoy the reunion.

I don't know. I think you might need my--

[gasps] Is that somebody else's old algebra teacher?

Pete! Marvin!

What have you guys been up to?

Oh. High school was a horrible time for me.

Therefore, I have spent every moment since graduation

plotting to destroy the earth.

Heh. I hope you have better luck with that than I did.

What about you, Pete?

Oh, I'm still waiting to graduate.

What about you?

I'm the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys.

I thought you said you owned the Dallas Cowboys.

Oh, uh, yeah.

That's--uh, I--

Well, which is it?

Uh... uh... Ooh, look over there!

[dance music playing]

Bugs!

Hi. I've heard you've become a famous movie star.

Can I have your autograph?

Oh, uh, sure.

I've never had my picture taken with an astronaut before.

Do you mind?

You're an astronaut, too?

Well, uh, before I was a movie star, I was--

Batman, come quick!

There's a break-in at the museum!

-Batman? -Batman?

Wait, are you saying this man, the president of Mexico,

is Batman?

[all talking at once]

[music playing]

He's so cute.

I don't remember him from high school.

[stammering] Bugs, wh-what are you doing here?

I'm here with Daffy. What are you doing here?

From the story I heard,

high school was pretty rough for you.

Rough? Ha ha ha ha!

High school was the greatest time in my life.

I'm surprised Daffy came.

Huh?

Porky!

Hey!

Excuse me, but do you remember Daffy Duck?

Who?

Daffy Duck. Come on, you gotta remember him.

He was the coolest guy at your high school.

Daffy Duck. You know, black feathers, big beak,

about this tall.

Oh! You mean Daffy Dork.

Ew, that guy was such a nerd!

[both giggling]

I've been looking all over for you!

My web of lies has entangled me in a web of lies.

In high school, were you ever called Daffy Dork?

Daffy Dork? Why would anyone call

the coolest guy in high school Daffy D--[gasps]

[stammering] There were three seconds left,

and everyone knew I was taking the last shot.

Hi, I'm Daffy Duck.

Yeah, that's great. I'm the guy who didn't ask.

Now beat it.

Is this seat taken?

Cake for everybody! It's on me!

[cheering]

Hey, nerd, are you enjoying the cake?

It's delicious. Is it really on you?

No, it's on you.

Daffy Dork! Daffy Dork! Daffy Dork!

[laughing]

So this means I wasn't the big man on campus.

I was the big dork on campus!

Wow, I really am a liar.

And the greatest lie I ever told was to myself.

Wait! Don't you see? This is good news.

You'd thought you'd gone from here to here,

but it turns out you never went anywhere.

What's good about that?

It means you haven't peaked yet.

[gasps] You're right.

You hear that, you losers?

I didn't peak in high school!

But you did! And you did!

And you certainly did!

Daffy, I've apologized a thousand times.

And you! You used to be the prettiest girl in school,

and now you're--

Well, you're still very beautiful.

The point is you all peaked too soon.

Except for you. So long, jerks!

I'm off, and unlike you,

I have nowhere to go but up.

Aah!

Daffy Dork! Daffy Dork! Daffy Dork!

Daffy Dork! Daffy Dork! It's got a ring to it.

Daffy Dork! Daffy Dork!

[music playing]

[bird cawing]

[swooshing]

[thumping]

[whoosh]

Beep! Beep!

[roaring]

[whooshing]

Beep! Beep!

[thud]

[rumbling]

[whistle, thud]

[squeak]

[rumbling]

[beeping]

I may have missed out on high school,

but I got to go to one heck of a high school reunion.

Oh! Home movies from my unconventional youth.

I haven't seen these in a while.

[poignant music playing]

You were the president of Mexico?

Eh, interim.

You did all that instead of going to high school?

Do you know what this means?

[laughing]

You peaked too soon!

[laughing]

Meh, I don't think I peaked quite yet.

[tires squeal]

[theme music playing]

[stammering] Th-th-that's all, folks!