Original subtitles

Keep your eyes shut for the surprise.

Wait, I've guessed it. The boat has gone.

Even better. Open your eyes.

Here it is - Billie's Bar.

It's on the boat forever.

Yep. The boat's here to stay.

-You're opening a bar on my driveway? -Yeah, it's a pop-up.

It saves on a liquor license. There's different rules at sea.

Totally. Meant we could put more money on...

Wait, what did my loan actually go on, Nicky?

Drink, milady?

-Where will the people go? -I was thinking they could

just sort of stand there, so I can sing for them.

-I thought Dev was taking the boat. -Well, he hasn't taken it yet.

-I don't want a bar in my driveway. -I think you do.

Oh, come on, Mum, live a little.

So much for the grand opening.

To new beginnings, and being together forever.

Apart from Deb and Dev.

SIREN WAILS

How do you turn this up, Nicky?

Nicky?

Look, if this is about HMRC, I'm sorry,

but the maths is just too hard.

-We're here for the arrest of Nicholas Taylor. -Who?

- WHISPERS: - Nicky.

Oh.

Oh!

Is this about all the coke and loans?

Um, got something to tell you.

You'll probably want to sit down.

-Um, me and Claire... -Oh, Seb, what do you want now?

I'm already having your son.

You're right. Of course. I'm sorry.

The last thing you need is more stress.

-I'll see you this afternoon. -What's this afternoon?

I've booked a scan. I did tell you.

For our son, just to check he's healthy.

Well, it's definitely in there, if that's what you're wondering.

I know we're keeping it a secret but I can't wait to meet him.

Eeee!

Yay!

SHE WHIMPERS

-Fuck was that about? -I've told him I'm pregnant.

-What? -I don't know, I panicked.

He was talking about leaving and I just said it.

Now I've got to go for a fucking scan. What am I going to do

-when there's no fucking baby? -Maybe he won't notice,

-they are really small. -Aren't you going to just, you know,

-tell me to break up with him? -I've given up. You never will.

Unless someone literally hands you a reason to end it,

you're with him for life. You didn't confront Dad

and you won't confront Seb. That's your DNA. Accept it.

Now, back to me. Do I look incredible?

-Er, yeah. Why are you so dressed up? -They found Nicky.

I've got to go in for questioning later, and I need to remind him

how fit I am so he'll get street cred with his inmates.

You never suspected he might get arrested?

Er, bit of sympathy, please.

-I'm about to be a prison wife. -Oh, God.

-I'm sorry. -Don't be. It's brilliant. -So you're not worried, then?

No. I mean, it has its perks.

I know exactly where he is and there's no women allowed.

Last time I let him out of my sight,

he got confused and ended up impregnating

a hideous blonde girl with horrible eyebrows.

I can't have that happening again.

Well, Billie, you've chosen a man exactly like your father.

Any excuse to leave you in the lurch.

-He was arrested. -Any excuse. Just like your father.

Yeah, well, at least Nicky didn't take Daddy the cat.

Daddy was such a beautiful boy.

I miss hearing his little bell as he comes through the cat flap.

And I miss Mum shoving me through the cat flap

-when she forgot her keys. -How does he sleep at night?

He's left me and the boat and all the boxes.

All I wanted was a nice man and a nice car

in a nice street where all the houses look the same.

Is that too much to ask?

Yes, Mum. Yes, it is.

You've got a lovely house already.

It's not going anywhere. We'll be fine.

DOORBELL

OK. Since you've not been replying to your letters

and the court has issued a warrant of possession

and then a notice of eviction, your house is now being repossessed.

I've never had any letters.

How strange.

Can I interest you in a boat? Or a car?

-Are they yours? -The boat is Dev's and the car is mine.

-But not legally. -OK. If they're not yours, I can't take them.

You are very attractive. Did you know that?

Not the feminine wiles.

Please put your wiles away.

I don't want to file another harassment report.

-I'll be back by the end of the day. -Is there anything I can do?

Not unless you've got the money you owe in mortgage repayments.

Uh-oh. Have I been a naughty girl?

Please, miss, I've got a family.

Before you ask, I'm not saying anything

until I've spoken to a lawyer. I have the right to remain silent.

A report came in yesterday from

a young woman accusing Nicholas of financial coercion.

Well, this Bianca sounds like a sneaky, lying bitch.

And ugly.

We never mentioned a Bianca.

We've had reports he's put a number of people into debt

with scam operations. Do you know anything about that?

Er, yeah. That's just his personality. He's a bad boy.

He's also extremely fit.

Are you aware he's been a missing person?

He's been lying low with me

while we get started on running my cabaret bar.

He says I'm an incredible singer. I just need to fund the record deal.

Have you heard of financial coercion?

Have you heard of true love?

Sometimes, when a partner starts using psychological methods

to get their partner to question their own sanity,

it can be known as gaslighting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll level with you, I know I've been getting coerced.

I know I've been gas lit.

But have you ever had someone love you so much

they'd literally bend reality for you?

He's creating worlds for me.

-This a microphone? -Yeah.

♪ A whole new world

♪ A new, fantastic point of view... ♪

God, the acoustics in here are incredible.

Look, all I'm saying is that he's a bit of a cheeky chappy,

yeah, but he's not a bad guy.

Just give him an ankle tag and send him back to me,

I'll keep an eye on him.

I know how overcrowded your prisons are.

-We're going to have to ask you to write a statement. -No, thank you.

You have to.

Well, that's coercion. Am I right?

Oh! Someone's jealous.

DOORBELL

Fucking hell, you vultures are obsessed with me.

What do you want to take now?

You've already taken the fucking house. Just fuck off.

Hello, Deb.

Are you here for the boxes?

No, I'll come back for those later today.

I'm just here to grab the essentials for my house.

Right, that's everything.

-Your house? -Yeah. Never sold.

Sometimes you have to take a step back to take a step forwards.

It's almost like I'm back to exactly who I was before.

Right back to my old self again.

Right. I'll be off. Got to be at work in a minute.

-Work? -You were right, Deb. I've realised who I am.

I'm now divisions team leader of communications at Drayton Hicks.

I took the promotion.

We have a saying at work - communication is key.

And I'm not going to say any more than that.

You know, we were supposed to get married today.

I don't know if I ever cancelled the booking.

-I'd still like to. -What? -I'd still like to marry you.

I've changed my mind, Dev. I love you and I want to be with you.

-Please don't go. -Sorry, darling.

I don't deserve to be with a woman like you.

-Yes, you do. -Oh, Deb, I love you,

-but you deserve better than me. -No, I don't. Marry me.

I need to think about this.

I should be at work.

Is that yours?

It's a company car.

A bit flashy for my taste but it gets me from A to B.

Goodbye, Deb.

-I'm sorry I let you down. -Dev.

Dev, wait!

Dev!

Oh, baby, what have they done to you?

They're saying I could be done for life.

Oh, my God. Really?

Billie, listen...

...I need to send you on a special mission.

They might let me out of here

but I'm going to need a really expensive lawyer.

And you need to get me the money.

Please, you're my whole world.

-A Wonga loan should sort it. -I didn't pass my credit check

and I can't take out another loan in Josie's name.

We have love, isn't that enough?

If you loved me, you'd do it.

How much do you need?

Can I have a raise?

I need £20,000, now.

No.

Right. Well, I'm taking an early lunch.

Claire?

I fucked it. I'm fucking stuck.

I'm going to have to have my husband's baby

and I've got no excuse to leave him. None.

Right. Yeah.

-As your best friend, I need to tell you something. -Claire!

Stop blathering on and listen to me.

I'm stuck with Seb and I'm going to have to have his fucking baby.

Josie, please. I have to tell you something.

What is it?

Me and Seb kissed.

Are you joking?

I'm so sorry.

We got caught up. All those late nights at book club.

I know - I'm a complete slag.

Such a slut.

I can't believe it, I'm a common whore.

Thank you. Thank you.

Um...

You really are the best friend I've ever had.

Well...

...you're welcome.

I quit. I don't even like books.

I think they're for losers.

We've got phones now, ever heard of them?

I didn't think you could get hard this late in the day.

-It's 9am somewhere. -God, I was good, wasn't I?

Priceless. Tell me that wasn't

a five-figure fuck transferred into my account ASAP.

I'm so glad you called. I couldn't stop thinking about you.

That's nice.

Can I have my money now?

I've left her.

-You've done what? -I've left my wife.

-Why have you done that? -Because I love you.

Oh, this is awkward.

I think I was just here for the money.

Billie, I don't have any. It was my wife's money.

I've left all that behind for you.

Right.

But are you still going to pay me?

It's not about money with us. Never has been.

This is all I have left.

And you're still sat here because you love me

and I love you.

How much do you love me? Prove it.

I'll give it all to you right now. That's how much I know you'll stay.

Go on, then.

Really?

If you love me, you'll do it.

Fucking nonce.

Filing cabinets. Staples.

Be careful, they know how many are in there.

-Did work here for 29 years. -It's kind of like you never left.

Back to the old Dev. Your old life.

Not your old wife, though.

Because that one is dead.

Oh, God. Love ain't easy.

Do you think Josie will stay with me until she dies?

You two are soulmates. Don't give up.

You can't fail Josie the way I failed Deb.

I'll probably never see her again.

-Hello, darling. -Oh!

I've done it. I've got £175.

I'd like the best lawyer in Britain.

-Please don't put Nicky down for life. -What?

Please release him. He's not done anything wrong.

We have released him. It was only for questioning. He's gone.

-You didn't even tag him? -No. -What was the point in fucking

reporting him if you're just going to let him go?

Sorry. You were the one who reported him?

Yes, but now I don't know why I bothered.

Not to be a bitch, but I'd know where he was

if you'd given him a bloody tag.

There's Daddy. I can't wait to have our baby.

Oh, you're going to be such an amazing dad.

You'd never do anything to hurt me. I love you.

I promise I won't let you down.

Um, I don't quite know how to say this, but there's...

Stop. I know what you're going to say.

We lost it.

What?

I knew something was really, really wrong.

Mother's intuition. My body's been under so much stress.

Is there anything that could have happened, Seb?

Anything at all that might have stressed me out?

-Anything? -OK.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Josie, this is my fault.

Don't be silly, my love.

You wouldn't do anything to harm our baby.

This is what we want.

You wouldn't throw all that away, would you?

You wouldn't throw away our son. You're his number-one dad.

I kissed Claire.

DRAMATIC GASP

-I did this. I'm sorry. -Well, you've shocked me there.

It was late night, at book club. We were the last two there.

It was a rousing discussion about Sense And Sensibility

and our imaginations led us astray.

I'm sorry. I can never forgive myself.

-I don't deserve you. -Well, I guess you don't.

-Look at what you've done. -Sorry, to be very clear,

I don't think there ever was a viable...

I have been so loyal to this man.

I thought our vows were sacred.

You've made a mockery of this marriage.

How fucking shameful.

I thought we were soulmates.

SHE LAUGHS

I just wanted to see you in your natural habitat.

Well, Deb, this is a lovely surprise,

but it's my first day back and I've got a lot of work to do.

Show me where you answer the phone.

Well, I sort of sit here and I answer it like this.

Hello? Drayton Hicks, team leader of communications speaking.

-Oh! -Do you want to... Do you want to see where I send emails?

I could show you how to do a mail merge.

DEB QUIVERS

And where do you keep your payslips?

-Oh, that's my wallet. -I know.

Oh! Aah!

GASPING AND GRUNTING

Wow. So Dad lives here?

I followed him home from the high street.

-He was having lunch. -What was he having?

-Does it matter? -I don't know, I just wonder what he likes to eat.

Did you say anything?

No, I was too scared.

Poor guy.

He's probably desperate to ask where I am.

-What did he look like? -He looked good.

Bless him. Putting on a brave face for me.

-Shit. This house is annoyingly nice. -Agreed.

-Let's go home. -Come on.

This is the confrontation you've always fucking wanted.

And a chance for him to tell me how much he loves me

and leaving me was the biggest mistake of his life.

DOORBELL

Billie!

-I don't think he's inside. -All right, come on, then.

A garden, eh? Well, no flowers.

Must be miserable.

His life is so sad.

If he's not in, I just want to see what his house is like.

-Oh, well, we tried. Let's go home. -Come on, Josie,

don't you want to see what a miserable life he has?

This is our final revenge.

Yeah. OK, yeah. Let's do it.

Now, how do we get in?

The cat flap!

Finally, a chance to use my big, long spider limbs.

-You wish you could fit through there. -Just watch me.

Yeah, OK,

this is the house of a sad man.

Who paints their walls sunshine yellow

unless they're hiding something?

I was expecting there to be pictures of me.

-You mean of us? -Yeah, right.

This is so weird.

-Dad likes bran flakes. -I knew he was a psychopath.

-A fruit bowl. -What a sick pervert.

SHE GASPS

Daddy!

-Wow. I almost didn't recognise him. -Oh, he's beautiful.

All this time I thought he was dead but Daddy's not dead.

Daddy's alive!

Do you think Dad's life might be really, really nice?

It's all fake, it's not real.

You only try this hard when you're hiding a desperate life

full of regret and misery.

I've seen enough.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I wish you'd told me how much all of this turns you on.

My sexy office man.

He's a real hunter-gatherer, looking after his woman.

Speaking of, I really should be getting on.

Well, try and clock off early.

We're getting married later.

-Really? -Yes, Dev. Really.

OK, then.

My sexy office man.

Yeah, nice. Really sinister.

You're a true artist.

DOOR OPENS

- INDISTINCT VOICES - Shit!

Go, go!

Can't wait to see his smug fucking face.

-That's not Dad. -You said you followed him home.

It's not my fault all these posh houses look the fucking same.

We've just vandalised a lovely young family's house.

Are we going to be in trouble?

Yeah.

Oh, well. At least we found Daddy the cat.

Just as beautiful as the day Dad took him.

Um, Billie, that's not...

Yeah.

Yeah, we did.

Fucking hell. This is triggering my PTSD.

I know. It's brilliant.

They let us have the venue on discount

if we used the same decorations.

I'm so glad Daddy's here for this one.

Well, I think I know your answer to shag, marry, kill.

Marry Deb. Right?

Keep an eye on this one, eh?

Because, you know... the last one.

Thanks for being my best man.

Second-best man, to you.

How lucky are you that Deb wants to get married

-the minute you get your job back? -Yeah.

Eh?

What a relief.

Here he is, the man of the hour. My working man.

Deb, can we just have a chat?

So exciting. Logistics-wise, I was thinking,

if you're hiring a van to pick up your stuff later,

maybe it could take the rest of our things too.

Why would it do that?

Well, I should think we'd come and live with you

in your massive house after we're married.

-It just feels right. -Yeah. Right.

Right, yeah. Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Repeat after me. I, Deb,

take Dev to be my wedded husband,

to have and to hold from this day forward,

for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

I, Deb, take Dev to be my wedded husband,

to have and to hold from this day forward,

for better, for worse, for richer...

-For poorer. -That won't be necessary. -OK, hold on.

Sorry, sorry. Deb, please, can we have a second?

I have to ask, tell me the truth...

...do you just like me for my money?

No, of course not. I love you.

But what do you love about me?

What do you mean?

Well, tell me something you love about me.

Well, there was that time you paid for petrol.

Well, no, actually, you asked me to transfer you for that.

Girls, what are we always saying about Dev?

So, so many things.

How can I choose just one?

-He was the best best man... -Not from you, Seb.

You can't think of anything, can you?

Sorry, darling, I am trying.

Right.

I think that's all I needed to hear.

I'm not just a walking chequebook, Deb, I'm a man.

And I'll be expecting half for the room hire.

I'm going with him.

It's over, Josie.

The doctor said there was never even a baby inside you.

I'm beginning to doubt whether I'm even the love of your life.

I've done so much for you.

Like what?

Trust me, I've done loads.

So much, I can't... I can't think of any right now.

But I'm done chasing you. It's over.

Don't follow me.

Seriously, I mean it.

You'd better not chase me.

Would you excuse us for a second?

Bastard!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SOBS

Wow.

I forgot just how massive your house is.

So much space.

I know.

Like I said, too much for one man.

Can't help but think it would have been a lot more convenient

if we'd all moved in here to begin with.

Yes, that did cross my mind, but Deb never showed any interest.

Women.

It's funny. We spend all this time worrying about them

but what about us?

-What about men? -You're right, Dev.

It's time people listened to what we have to say for once.

I never know when the right time is to ask this sort of thing,

but do you think we should start a podcast?

He took the boat. He took the boxes.

And he didn't even fix the void.

That void's going to be there forever.

Do you think maybe the void is inside us?

Shut the fuck up, Josie. Literally, just for once in your life,

shut your fucking mouth! Shut the fuck up!

No-one cares what you have to say. DEB LAUGHS

Thanks, Billie. That's cheered me right up.

I really thought he was going to marry me. I really did.

Mum, and I say this with kindness,

he's a prick who never pays for anything.

Good thing I took this, then.

That's my girl.

Right, looks like dinner's on Dev.

We're going out the back door, girls.

Where are we going for dinner, then?

I'm in the mood for something expensive.

We don't need men.

We're better off without them.

You know you're still married, yeah?

Oh, fuck's sake!