Original subtitles

There he is. The yellow-sticker boy.

Remember, girls, show no mercy.

Please be gentle.

Tonight, we feast!

See? At five minutes to ten, they do the double-yellow reduced labels.

A fantastic haul. £100 worth of food for £20.

-What a saving. -Yeah, but half of it's off.

Well, your figure could do with the food poisoning, so it's win-win.

And I got chocolate rolls for 29p.

A bit stale, just how I like it.

This is your fault, Josie.

We'd be driving home if you hadn't total led the car

-trying to escape your own wedding. -Nah, walking's much better.

We're lionesses dragging home a fresh kill.

-It's feminist. -I'm not a feminist.

All that campaigning, and for what? To work and vote?

Sounds like a lot of fucking effort.

Yeah, I'm not feminist either.

I like a man to take care of me.

-So why isn't Dev picking us up? -He's got a more important job.

He's getting rid of the fucking boxes

and moving the fucking boat.

That man in there is on strike three.

Strike three out of what?

Darling, I can't help but notice that all the boxes are still here.

Yeah, sorry. I've been working.

SLURPING INHALATION

Have you heard about love languages?

It's fascinating.

Ooh! What's in the bag?

Ha-ha!

Oh, no. No. They're a bit stale.

Where is your car and why is your boat still on the drive?

-I sold it. -You sold your car?

Oh, yeah. To pay for the counselling course.

Why the fuck didn't you sell the boat?!

Now, that's not very loving language, Deb.

Sorry.

SOFTLY: Why didn't you sell the fucking boat?

Sell the Lovely Lisa when she brings us so much joy?

Wouldn't do that to you, sexy bum.

-Oh-ho! -We need that car.

Oh, I'm sorry, Deb. I thought you'd be happy for me.

As they say in counselling - probably -

it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, back in a minute.

Time for my mindfulness.

DEV HUMS

Forgive me.

Can I please ask you to use nonviolent communication?

-I'll give you nonviolent communication! -Ow!

Not the chocolate rolls! Stop it! They're hard!

I thought you'd be supportive, Deb!

This is giving me flashbacks to when Dad left.

At least Dev can't take all the Blu-rays this time.

Or Daddy the cat.

RIP, forever in our hearts.

Selfish, penny-pinching, miserly arsehole!

SEB: - Don't say that. You love him, really.

The man downstairs isn't Dev.

He's a leech from hell sent to bleed us dry!

Come on, Mum, you don't mean that.

We need to get rid of the drains on this family.

Well, there's no need to bring my wife into this.

Why the fuck is the bathroom door locked?

There are no secrets in this house!

-Nicky. -Deb.

The drain's clogged again.

SHE WAILS

They're not going to break up.

You'll all feel so silly for worrying.

HE SOBS

It's just a little, tiny break.

We love you all very much.

Oh, for God's sake.

All of you just need to grow up!

Captain Cheapskate's gonna move his fucking boxes TONIGHT!

You know, I can't believe you're kicking me out.

-Get in. -Right when I was about to fix the hole in the bathroom floor.

Absolutely. The same day you pay for dinner

and we all feast on a FLYING FUCKING PIG!

Because you're CHEAP!

I swear to God, I will not have any more dead weight in this house.

Especially you two. No more of this conceiving-a-son nonsense.

I mean it.

Mm, mm, mm!

Get in there, my son!

Oh!

Yeah, I think that was it.

You're definitely pregnant now.

Yep.

URINATING

OK, I think I've pissed most of it out.

That's the last time I'm picking up the morning-after pill for you.

The woman in there thinks I have a fetish for unprotected sex.

-You do. -Just tell him you don't want to have his baby.

I don't want to make things awkward.

Maybe having a baby wouldn't be so bad.

Seb promised he'd take me away from here.

Having a baby just feels like a small price to pay for freedom.

Shit. You're right.

You should probably have his baby.

But everyone who has a baby is insufferable.

The worst. I've spent nine months constipated,

but I'm not forcing everyone to look at pictures of my shit.

Why is Seb so desperate to procreate?

Maybe he's bored. Men need multi-sensory stimulation.

That's why Nicky watches porn while he's fucking me.

Babies scare me.

What if someone asks me to hold it?

What if I hold it wrong and everyone thinks I'm a paedophile?

I don't want people to think I'm a paedophile.

Listen to me. You don't need to have his baby.

Stop letting him enter you.

I have to. I'm stuck.

Plus, he looks so sad. Which you know turns me on.

He thinks Deb and Dev breaking up means true love isn't real.

Me and Nicky have true love.

Yeah? How long is he going to be here for?

As long as it takes.

Until we get the money for Billie's cabaret bar

and live happily ever after.

But what happened to the last money you gave him?

And why's he back from Manchester?

Josie, I don't know how many times I need to say this -

he's got an avoidant-attachment style.

He was avoiding me, now he's attached.

Honestly, it's not rocket science.

The point is, he's here now, and I know exactly where he is.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Have you seen Nicky? -No.

Weird. Who?

Hmm, yeah, no idea, actually.

He's been gone for weeks. I hacked his emails.

He bought a one-way ticket on Trainline to Crawley.

Well, he's definitely not here. We should go and look for him.

Fucking hell, it's looking right at me.

Hello, mister. What's your name?

Seb, it's a fucking baby.

It can't even speak. How the fuck is it supposed to know its name?

-Can I hold him? -Yes, please. I'm exhausted.

Ah!

You can watch him, actually.

-Me and Bianca have an errand to run. -Er, no, thank you. -Yes, please.

-Oh, er... -I will fight with every fibre of my being

to protect this precious new life.

Come on, Bianca, let's go. Quick! Mum's upstairs.

Trust me, it's fine. We'll be gone for ten minutes, tops.

Give yourself a break. You look so, so tired...

...and old.

Bye.

It's so weird seeing you with a baby.

Whose is it?

-It's mine. -Artificial insemination?

What? No, it's mine and Nicky's.

Oh, that's weird. Two boyfriends called Nicky.

-What are the chances? -Er, no, there's just one Nicky.

He's the father.

I don't understand.

Nicky, the one that chose me, we went to Manchester together?

He's the dad. I'm the mum.

It's our baby.

Oh.

-All right. -Yeah.

One second, please.

SILENTLY

You ready?

I'm just so happy for you.

Is it trained? I feel like it's going to bite me.

Honestly, Josie. Trust me. Hold it and you'll see.

No, I'm too scared.

Its eyes are following me around the room.

BABY COOS

Don't point that thing at me. Where the fuck has it come from?

-Send it back. -It's Bianca's baby. We're just watching him.

Look at it. All it does is eat and shit and cry.

I've got a house full of people who already do that.

Honestly, 18 years of that.

You think it's over, and then it decides it might be an artist,

but never does anything.

-Do I look fantastic? -Why? Where are you going?

Girls' night. I thought I'd try and feel better about myself

by visiting a woman who's life is sadder

than all of ours put together.

- BOTH: - Aunt Wendy.

Well, I'm off out too.

What? Where?

DOOR CLOSES

Book club.

You've not been in ages. Can't you miss this one?

This is exactly what I said would happen!

We have this baby and you expect me to give up my social life?

You just want me trapped at home, cooking your dinner

and putting your jumpers in the washing machine.

No, thank you!

Those are hand-wash only.

DOOR CLOSES

Girls' night!

-A casino? -Yes, just like in the movies.

It's fun. You need some of that.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, darling.

How utterly terrible.

We all said this would happen.

How awful.

I just wanted to come for a pep talk, you know?

Single woman to single woman.

Obviously, you've been single for years,

so I knew you'd understand.

So lovely of you to seek comfort from your sister

in your hour of need.

Just as the tables have turned.

I'm happily in a relationship.

-You what? -Yes. And you're not.

Gosh, what a strange turn of events.

I'm experiencing life in your shoes.

-Well, your old shoes. My new shoes. -SHE CHUCKLES

It's funny, isn't it?

Back to being little old Debbie Downer.

What was all that shit about not needing a man?

Oh, turns out I got that completely wrong.

It's much easier with a man. What was I thinking?

He's coming tonight. I hope you don't mind.

It's supposed to be girls' night.

See...

...it might be because I'm a little bit of an empath,

but I can't help but feel you're annoyed with me.

You're a fucking Judas on HRT.

-Here he is! -Ah.

WENDY GIGGLES

-Hello, Debbie. -You remember James, don't you?

I bumped into him in Morrison's.

Not seen him in years.

Scrubs up good, doesn't he?

I happen to think he looks a little bit like James Bond.

THEY CHUCKLE

Can't see it myself.

Martinis, ladies?

My treat, obviously.

That's how a real man treats a woman.

Dev's probably halfway to Timbuktu by now.

SEAGULLS SCREECH

See what I mean?

Absolutely no chat, and it stinks of shit.

How long was I gone?

He's Nicky's.

Oh, right.

Don't mind me, Deb! I'm just here to clear my boxes.

-It's just us. -Oh, thank God.

Stocking up on toilet roll.

Does Deb really think I'm cheap?

Well, when was the last time you paid for anything?

I wouldn't want to belittle Deb like that.

I'm a feminist. I believe in equal pay.

Women should pay equally for dinner.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, my God!

What?

Did you know they've got problems with money?

Now you're saying that, it is ringing a bell.

Do you think Deb would take me back if I... paid for something?

I think so, yeah.

Wow.

Deb's not a feminist.

Yeah, well, neither am I.

Feminism's gone too far. I mean, look at us.

Stuck here. All these women are out gallivanting around.

-They've tricked us! -For too long, men have stayed at home

with the children while women just do whatever they like.

I've not been hiding. I've been in a cage.

It's time we broke free.

How do we do that?

Pub?

A really, really fit man?

In here?

I don't think so.

He's really good at drawing straight lines.

Oh, Nicky? Um, no, I haven't seen him for months.

Oh, must be a different Nicky. I don't know why we're here.

He's never been to a casino before.

Yeah, maybe not with you, but we were always in here.

He said I was his good-luck charm,

which is why he always bet with my money.

Two shots, please.

Do you remember the last time we went out?

Not really. I was so drunk.

Me too. I don't remember anything.

Unless you do.

Now, since we're here, do you want another drink?

Well, it is nice being away from little Nicky.

I'll have an Old Passion.

Do you mean an Old Fashioned?

Don't think so.

So I just tap my card down?

Yeah, it's contact less.

Well, I'll be damned!

-Just tap it. -I know. I... I know.

BEEP

Ooh!

Well, isn't that a thrill?

He's such a little lad, isn't he?

He's going to be a heart-breaker when he's older.

A CEO, or a footballer.

Doesn't say much, does he?

The strong, silent type.

Um...

...Nicky's a girl.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I did my best, boys.

Well...

...she could be, like, a secretary or something.

You know, like... like, a really, really good one.

Like, a PA to an astronaut, or a king.

Absolutely.

BABY NICKY CRIES

Oh, Gawd.

What do we do now?

I want to comfort her,

but I can't help but feel like she's only doing it for attention.

Agreed. So dramatic.

Why do girls always ruin our lads' night out?

BELL RINGS

Aw, just when I'd gotten the hang of paying for things.

See? I'm not cheap.

If only Deb could see me now.

Where else can we go to spend money?

I know a place we can go,

but we need to get rid of this dead weight first.

CRYING CONTINUES

Oh, have a day off, love.

-What's happening? -Late-night book club.

It was your idea.

Not that you ever come.

It's become really popular with uni students, actually.

Why are you puttng lipstick on? It's only Seb.

-Claire. -Seb.

Josie, it's your turn to watch the baby.

-It's lads' night. -Aw! Of course we can watch him!

He's a cutie.

Come on, then.

Hello.

Hi there.

Er... you left your book here from last week.

Oh. Whoops.

You've been coming to book club?

The discourse is very compelling.

Right. See you.

You are determined for this baby to ruin my social life.

I thought you were a feminist.

-I'm not a feminist any more. -Me neither.

A house with traditional values

where a man works and a woman stays at home

is a tried and tested method

that sounds a bit of all right to me.

I just need to find a man first.

THEY LAUGH

Ooh, this looks fun.

Maybe we shouldn't gamble tonight.

Classic Debbie Downer.

Still on the scooter, are we?

Only had a car for ten minutes

-before her lesbian daughter total led it. -Never mind.

James, go for it.

Haven't got any chips.

How about these?

James! Not Little Miss Mini.

We can't accept these, sir.

They do in Casino Royale.

Yeah, but not in Crawley.

And that was Aston Martin, not a Mini Cooper.

Uh-oh.

Here we go.

Right. Well, then. Ahem.

You know what they say.

When the fun stops - stop.

Have a wonderful evening.

James, how could you?!

I'm just been silly.

We're getting a new one soon anyway.

Well, James Bond. I'll get some martinis, shall I?

-Yeah. -Rowr. -Rowr.

You selling your car?

♪ Mmm, yeah

♪ Whoa, whoa... ♪

-Oh, do you sing as well? -Yeah. Um...

...Nicky said I sound just like Amy Winehouse.

Weird. Must have got us mixed up, cos - I - sound just like her.

He said to me he's working on the recording contract.

He just needs me to fund the studio and hire the manager,

so I'm just waiting for the loan to go through.

He said my voice is so good that I need to keep it to myself

because the world isn't ready.

Do you think he knows any Amy Winehouse?

BABY NICKY WAILS

That's such an interesting point, Theo.

Did anyone else have thoughts they'd like to share?

Sorry. Is this your baby?

Er, I've been left with it.

Oh, God. That's awful.

-A single mother? -Um...

So brave. So impressive.

I guess I am quite brave.

CRYING CONTINUES

So, you're in the market for a car, Debbie?

How much do you want for it?

James Bond doesn't do this for the money.

What do you want, then?

I think you know.

I don't.

I... want you to fuck me.

You what?

Oh, come on! Please!

Please fuck me!

I've been thinking about it for ages!

Oh, come on! You know you want to.

I'll give you my car!

Aw!

Yeah, I guess we just have a special connection.

-They're gorgeous. -All right, paedophile!

Honestly, all this attention is too much.

Don't mind me, everyone. Just carry on reading.

I'm just looking after my baby.

Charlie!

It's me, Josie, from the psych ward.

Would you like to meet my baby?

Well, is it yours?

What, you think I'm some weirdo nonce with someone else's baby?

Of course it's mine!

Oh.

Wow.

He's not a sex pest. He's James Bond.

-James Bond IS a sex pest! -I knew you'd say this.

Suddenly you get dumped, and I'm the more fuckable sister.

And it's hard for you to take, I understand.

But don't start making up lies just for attention.

You're just jealous because I'm happy,

and you're back to being Debbie fucking Downer.

Listen to me. He begged to fuck me.

No, Debbie, you listen to me.

It's not my fault your life's shit.

Two feral daughters - one is a lesbian, pardon my French -

but don't take that out on me.

I am the more fuckable sister.

Boys, get ready for the wildest night of your lives.

THEY LAUGH

BUZZING

Oh, come on, please!

For old times' sake. I was your best croupier!

Oh, for God's sake. It was a prank call on my stag.

Of course I don't have a gun.

What, you think I'm just going to whip out a gun and shoot everyone?

What, you think I've got a gun in my bag

I'm trying to get inside to finish the job?

Seriously?!

Go on.

♪ Well, sometimes I go out by myself

♪ And I look across the water

♪ And I think of all the things what you're doing

♪ And in my head I paint a picture

♪ But since I've come on home

♪ My body's been a mess

♪ And I've missed your ginger hair... ♪

Fuck feminism. Women don't control us. We play by our own rules.

♪ Won't you come on over?

♪ Stop making a fool out of me... ♪

BOTH: - ♪ Oh, why don't you come on over, Valerie? ♪

Wow, you do sound just like her.

So do you.

Ah!

I knew it. You're still a feminist.

-Only for you. -Oh!

-Say it! -Argh!

Say I'm the more fuckable sister!

Book another smear test, you single, old hag!

Hey, you two! This isn't feminism.

Feminism has gone too fucking far.

I don't need feminism.

I've got a boyfriend.

You should both be ashamed.

This is what a feminist looks like.

Come on, baby.

Look, Deb, I am sorry your life has turned out this way.

Two lesbian daughters?

Men take one look at you and run for the hills.

Spencer was right to leave you.

And I'm not surprised Dev doesn't pay for anything

cos you're not worth anything!

You're right. Thank you.

Have you ever heard the phrase,

"Ask for forgiveness, not permission"?

No, why?

No reason.

Run away with me.

Well, where would we even go?

Paris. Just you and me.

We'll run Bianca Bar together.

- VAGUELY FRENCH ACCENT: - La Bianca Bar.

-You'd really do that? -Bianca, listen to me. You're everything.

We're going. We're starting again. We could do it ourselves.

Raise Nicky with two mums. What's more feminist than that?

He'll be the most naturally blonde baby in all of Paris.

Yes, yes! Let's do it! When?

Now. We're getting little Nicky, and we're leaving.

Wait!

Can I still be in the Perfect Pussy Club even though I've had a kid?

I don't know.

You'll have to let me have a look.

A single mother? I had no idea.

And stealing your education back from university, too?

-It's amazing. -And look at me.

Holding it completely normally.

Not thinking or doing anything weird.

I got you completely wrong, you know.

I thought you were a bit crazy,

but postpartum depression is a very real thing.

That's OK. Most people don't understand me.

But maybe... you do.

Where is she?!

Please, be quiet. We've got a mother and baby here.

-That's not her baby. -It's mine. -You don't even like babies.

Look, it's not my fault, OK? Everyone was giving me attention.

What was I supposed to do? Tell the truth?

I can't handle the truth!

You need help.

You should be back on the psych ward.

She did try. They just wouldn't take her.

-That was quick. -My card's been blocked because of unusual activity.

What's the unusual activity?

I've been using it.

All been OK out here?

It was rough. Kind of felt like that time

you all forgot me at the petrol station.

Oh, no, we didn't forget you.

Josie asked us to drive away.

-What? -Yeah, when Deb was shouting out the window, "She's gay."

Thought she was saying, "This way, Seb. This way."

I thought she was telling me to follow.

Be honest with me.

Do you think Josie doesn't want to be with me at all?

If I'm being honest,

I really don't think Deb was shouting, "This way."

I think Josie might be a lesbian.

She married me. We're trying for a baby.

Why would a lesbian do that?

I just don't think there's any pleasing these women.

I think I'm going to stay out just a little longer.

Where will you go at this time?

Seb?

This is so exciting. A one-way coach trip to Paris with no stops.

Croissant for three!

Perfect Pussy Club on tour.

Perfect Pussy Club on tour.

I know! I'm so excited.

I'm just going to go and ask the driver when we're going. One sec.

SHE SIGHS

BUS ENGINE STARTS

I love you.

I think I do want to have a kid with you.

I don't know.

I'm not sure we're ready.

I know you don't want one.

I changed my mind.

I got so much attention with that baby earlier.

It was amazing.

I was a natural.

I think I should leave you on your own for a bit.

What? Please don't go.

I'm starting to worry we're not right for each other.

You can't leave.

Um, er...

...I'm pregnant.

What?

Oh, my God. Well, how far along are you?

When did this happen? I've got so many questions! Um...

It's not important.

I'm just so happy!

You were out late.

Where have you been, then?

Book club.

What did I tell you, girls? We don't need men.

A boot full of gone-off goodies and door-to-door service.

It doesn't get better than this.

Hector's back.

-Hector 2. -He's so handsome.

-He is. -How did you get him?

Forgiveness, not permission, girls.

Forgiveness, not permission.

CAR ALARM PIPS

Now that's feminism.