Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language adult humour

and some scenes of a sexual nature

I've got your scraps.

Uh-uh! What's the magic word?

- I love you. - Good boy.

I always knew when you left you'd come back to me.

Please let me sleep in the house. This isn't fair.

- You can't keep me in here forever. - It's not that simple, Nicky.

You see, we have the small problem of everyone hating you.

Like, hates your guts.

They wish you were dead more than Josie.

It's only a matter of time, but we can't rush things.

- I'll let you know. - Wait...

Josie. Thank God. We have to rush.

I've run the calculations, and you're ovulating.

- No, no. - Yes, you are. I wouldn't be

a very thoughtful husband if I didn't track your cycle.

I've checked the viscosity of your discharge,

and you're definitely ovulating.

This is your fertile peak for the next 24 hours.

- You're perfectly breedable. - Well, what can I say?

Your data's wrong.

I'm on my period.

Argh!

Why is menstrual maths so complicated?

This is exactly why the Guardian thinks we need more women in STEM.

Leave!

Er, Dev.

Is there a problem?

I'm just not sure I can work with this.

You noticed. I'm sorry. It's nothing to do with you.

I totally fancy you. It's not that at all.

I didn't think it was.

I'm usually your rock down there, you know.

But I...

Can I... Can I be honest?

I guess I'm just feeling a little off.

Oh, dear. Do you think it's because you're not contributing

to the house?

Well, I brought Lisa, didn't I?

Hmm. I'm just not sure how a boat factors into our everyday lives.

Don't be silly, Deb.

The lovely Lisa's a beautiful old girl.

She's the last time I truly felt like a man.

Captain of my own ship, you know.

She's going to help me find myself.

Are you sure you didn't find yourself at work,

but you've just forgotten?

Where was the last place you left yourself?

It's always the last place you look.

Maybe you could retrace your steps in your office at Drayton Hicks.

Honestly, not a day goes by I don't think about it.

They even offered me that promotion, team leader role,

head of communications.

They called yesterday and offered me more money. But...

But what, darling?

I'm just not that man any more.

Brilliant news, girls. Dev's going back to work.

- What?! - Yep. Heard it straight from the horse's mouth.

Just needs a little push to find his confidence.

Tomorrow morning, we're going to get the old Dev back.

But we didn't even like the old Dev.

Yeah, neither did I, but the new one's a lot worse.

What?

Where the fuck's the boat gone?

It was collected this morning to be dropped at the docks

so it's ready for us.

You didn't say we were going on the bloody boat.

So are you coming to help get Dev's manhood back?

- Well, I'm going to fucking have to now, aren't I? - Oh.

You coming as well? That's great!

Now we're just waiting for Josie and Seb.

Wait for me! Wait for me.

I'm hoping the seasickness might discombobulate him

out of trying to conceive. He knows I'm ovulating.

He's so determined, when he comes inside me,

he's started chanting, "Get in there, my son."

You could just tell him you don't want to have his baby,

you know, confront him. Tell the truth.

Some people can't handle the truth.

Yeah, you.

HORN BEEPS

Come on, gang!

Here she is.

Oh! I can't tell you how wonderful it feels

to be back on top of the lovely Lisa.

- You really need both of those? - Can't be too careful.

I'm carrying precious cargo.

- Would the ladies like some help? - Er, no, thanks.

These are heavy. We'll wait for Deb.

What the bloody hell are you doing?

Don't undermine that man.

I spent all morning working on his confidence.

I don't see why it's our job to do that. You broke him.

- I didn't break Dev. - You did.

Think about it. He was a successful, upstanding man,

and then he met us three horsewomen of the apocalypse,

and we've torn his life apart limb from limb.

You've castrated him, chopped his balls off,

parading them around in front of him like a pair of tarnished earrings

- from TK Maxx. - He's a shell of a man,

and you've shucked out all of his insides with a knife

and a little bit of lemon.

And today we're reminding that shell that he's an upstanding man

who brings an income into the house, and he's a team captain.

If he can be captain here,

he can be captain of communications at Drayton Hicks.

Coo-ee! Captain Dev!

She's fucking desperate.

It's dead.

- Oh! - My handsome captain. Suits you.

King of all you survey.

Captain of the Seven Seas.

We could do this every weekend if you went back to work.

Ready to set sail, my first mate?

Anchors aweigh.

BOTH MOAN

ENGINE STRUGGLES

ENGINE STRUGGLES

That's weird. First time that's happened to me, actually.

Never mind. Lisa always did like a warm-up first.

Have you tried putting the keys...?

- Have you tried putting the keys in and turning the engine on? - Yeah.

I'm out of ideas.

Oh, no. Just when I was starting to feel like myself again.

Maybe we should all go home.

I'm afraid I may not be captain after all.

No, no, no. It's all right.

We can stay on the boat and enjoy it from the dock.

It's the best view, anyway, to watch Captain Dev in action!

Hold this thing. I need to focus.

I'll take this, then.

Captain Billie.

Look at all this.

The beauty.

The view's not bad either.

I've always wanted to conceive our son at sea,

since I found out that was an option.

- You feeling seasick yet? - No. Taken all my pills.

In fact...

..the rocking motion of the boat

could help stimulate forward momentum to ensure fertilisation.

Imagine my little sperm and your little egg.

Don't know about you, but I think it's about time those two meet.

- Seb, can you give me a hand, please? - Goodbye, my son.

Until we meet again.

Sorry. It's, er, hormones.

- Face it, Mum, he's a goner. - Agreed.

Sack off this whole boat thing and just send him to counselling.

Lower your fucking voice!

Under no circumstances will Dev be going to therapy.

We don't need a frigid bitch with a lanyard

telling Dev that he's enough.

The fact is he's not, unless he goes back to his job.

I'll just have to retrieve his manhood the old-fashioned way.

- How? - My feminine wiles.

- Your what? - You know, my wiles.

They've never let me down before.

My wiles get us food to eat and keep the bailiffs sweet.

ENGINE STRUGGLES

Lisa's never let me down like this before.

Oh, bother, what a useless bitch she is.

Well, we don't need to be moving

for me to imagine you as captain of the ship.

Come away from the wheel, Dev.

She just won't fucking start.

She won't fucking start!

You're not really talking about the boat, are you, mate?

If he's playing hard to get, it's working.

The man is impenetrable.

Do you think it might be because you let yourself go?

I haven't let myself go.

Well, when was the last time you wore mascara?

Er, she's released herself from the shackles of the patriarchy.

I'm proud of you, Mum. I really am.

Oh, my God, Billie, I've let myself go.

You've forgotten who you are - a glorious, sexy woman.

But she's trapped inside a haggard old wench.

Fish into your purse and get some lippy out, for God's sake, woman.

And while you're rooting around in there,

see if you can find Dev's balls.

I am nothing without my feminine wiles.

Oh, Mum!

I'm so glad I'm young.

Where do you think you're going?

Captain's quarters to see if there's a problem with the engine.

- Right, well, you can't do that. - Why not?

Captain's orders. You can't go down there.

Well, I'll only be a minute.

Right, you two, off the boat. It's cursed.

The whole trip is cursed.

I think we should all leave before things get any worse.

Billie, please!

There are some serious things us men need to discuss.

I can't get the engine going, no matter how hard I try,

- if you catch my drift. - Yeah.

OK. I understand.

The engine is your cock.

- Yeah. - I can't relate, though. I've never had that problem.

It's like my dick is a compass and Josie's true north.

- Right. - Look at us, two men talking.

Isn't it great when two men speak? Real things happen.

Imagine if all men talked about their feelings. We'd be unstoppable.

- I'm so glad we had this talk. - No, no, no, wait!

What am I going to do?

I'm supposed to be Deb's protector, to satisfy her.

Am I even a man any more?

The most important thing is to never let any of the girls find out

we had this conversation.

They look to us as leaders. They mustn't see weakness.

So what should I do?

Well, Dev, you simply have to get that boat started,

or she's going to find someone else who CAN start the boat.

You're right. No-one can know.

HE EXCLAIMS

Don't worry. I won't tell anyone your dick's broken.

A stowaway. Billie, explain yourself.

I always knew there'd be a mutiny.

I just didn't expect it to be before we'd even left the dock.

He just needs somewhere to lie low for a bit.

He's realised he loves me and wants to be with me.

It's as simple as that.

I'm telling you, he's changed, haven't you, Nicky?

Mm?

- Yes, absolutely. - I can't believe this!

He ditched you immediately after you had your abortion.

He put you in debt and he ran away to Manchester.

Look at him! He's ripped!

Sorry, I know that's not the point, but it needs to be said.

I'm telling you, he's changed.

Tell him about your plans for our future together, baby.

Oh...yeah. Big plans.

Just give him a chance. People can change. Trust me.

Why should we? We've already got enough testosterone

between me and Dev, thank you very much.

Don't need anyone dragging down the group average.

You think I'm not manly enough?

I'm never going to like you, Nicky.

There's two men on this boat,

and if me and Dev were going to bring a third into our relationship,

certainly wouldn't be asking you.

Seb's right. Dev is man enough for everyone.

That's better. What do you think, Dev, as captain?

Do we give Nicky a second chance? Well, the decision is a tricky one.

It's not hard, is it?

Is it really, Dev?

Now, let's be diplomatic about this.

Nicky can have the day to prove he's changed.

And if by the end of the day he hasn't, he can walk the plank.

By which I mean he can take the bus

because we're not giving him a lift home.

He can't go in the bunk, though.

Me and Josie will be getting busy in there.

Josie's ovulating. Trying for a baby.

NICKY GIGGLES

- Seriously? - I know, it is preposterous, isn't it?

- Why? - Well, if you're old enough to have a kid,

that would make me a grandmother.

And that's nonsense, right? Preposterous.

I don't see the issue, Deb.

I'm not old enough to be a grandmother, obviously.

Totally preposterous. I'm barely a mother.

Absolutely. In fact, I wouldn't call you a mother at all.

Thank you, darling.

DUCKS QUACK

If you want to stay, you just need to do what you do best

to get in their good books. Play to what they want to hear.

- What do I say? - Tell Mum she looks young.

You might need to speak up, though, because she's senile.

And tell Josie she's the most traumatised,

misunderstood girl in the world.

Don't give her too much eye contact, though,

because she's not used to it and she'll panic.

- It's a lot to remember. - Flirt with them.

Fill their shallow heads with barefaced lies.

Not like when you're telling me the truth about my singing career

and your best mate's a record producer

and together you're going to make me a star.

All right. I'll do my best. It's not going to be easy.

- Thank you. - What about the boys?

Surely they're not going to fall for that.

You really think I'd be an amazing dad?

The best! You know how with some people you can just tell?

I totally get that with you. You're glowing.

Wow.

It's just so much pressure.

You were born to be a dad. This is your time.

You just need to assert your confidence.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

I just need to go up to Josie and say,

"Baby, let's get in that bunk and make me a daddy."

Yes! If I was half the man either of you two are, I'd be lucky.

Captain Nicky. Has a ring to it.

- You all right there, Dev? - I can see what you're up to,

- and I'm not falling for it. - Mm.

You want some help there, mate?

Or shall we have a chat with Deb

about how you can't get the engine started?

No, thank you. I can do it.

- How did it go? - It's like I'm their god.

You're a genius.

I'm telling you, he's changed.

We faced reality. Billie Bar is over.

- Thank God. - It's now Billie's Bar,

cabaret bar but with me covering Disney classics.

I'm going to do that thing where I sing and lean back on the piano.

- But you can't sing. - Yeah, I thought that too,

until Nicky told me I sound like Amy Winehouse.

- He's amazing. - Just be careful,

or one day you might end up married to a man so hell bent on conceiving

a son, even his crippling motion sickness won't stop him.

Baby, let's get in that bunk and make me a daddy!

In a second, darling.

I don't want him to be a dad almost as much as I don't want to be a mum.

Maybe you just need to go in there and be really confident.

Men talk a big game, but really, they're scared little babies.

He'll panic.

But how do I appear more sexually confident?

- Use your wiles. - I don't have any wiles.

Yes, you do. Show some skin. Come on, let's get this off.

OK. Maybe a bit more skin. Let's do this one.

Fucking hell. Do you need four vests on?

- It's cold. - Go in there and you scare that boy soft.

Captain's orders. In fact, you should take this for confidence.

Josie, you're down to your fifth undershirt.

Hello, sailor. Are you going to fuck me?

- Give it a go, yeah. - What position are you going to do?

All of them.

- What's that? - It's tongue. - It feels weird.

Yeah, I know, but I think we're just supposed to go with it.

Choke me.

- My hands are too slippery. - What's the matter? Can't get hard?

- I'm trying, OK? - Are you going to fuck me or not, sailor?

No! OK? I'm scared. What happened to the Josie I know?

The one who has sex with the lights off

and keeps her pants on one leg so she can put them back on again

the second I pull out, my self-conscious little sex kitten?

- I miss her. - So you're not going to fuck me?

But what about our son?

I'm not having my son come out of this, Josie.

Not like this.

It worked! Yes! You were right.

- My wiles are too powerful. - Yes!

I mean, it's a bit sad, don't you think?

What?

The one person who wants to fuck you doesn't want to fuck you any more.

Oh.

- Oh, no. - Captain Josie,

the Unfuckable Queen of the Seven Seas.

Maybe Lisa is cursed. That's not the woman I married.

- That's a monster. - It's just an off day. You're doing fine.

- That's not true. - Look, mate, it's just an off day. You're doing fine.

All right. Yeah. You're right.

He's so kind and wise,

and I wish I could turn back time and have him as my best man.

I'm going to ask him to be godfather.

I thought you were going to ask me to be godfather.

Dev, what if the baby needs to learn how to start a boat?

He needs a godfather who can be a man.

Someone he can look up to.

Nicky's not the massive legend you think he is, you know.

I'm sorry. Just looking out for my son.

Accept it, mate.

Lisa's dead.

Am I really unfuckable?

I just came in to say that... you're really complicated,

and it must be really hard being you.

- Really? Do you mean it? - Yep.

Do you think anyone would miss me if I killed myself?

Yeah, I'm sure they would.

But don't, because you're really special and that.

Can you say that again?

You're really special and you've got loads of trauma.

- What the fuck are you doing? - OK, I'm really sorry.

You just come in here and you start talking dirty to me.

I was powerless.

It wasn't me. It was the hat, I swear.

Please don't tell anyone about this.

- What, that you kissed me? - Mm-hm. - I won't tell a fucking soul.

Well? Do you approve?

- Er... - So you really like him, then? You really like him?

- Billie, I... - He's changed, he really has.

He wants everything between us to be 50/50.

That's why I'm funding Billie's Bar and he's running it.

- It just makes financial sense. - You've done what?

Yeah, I'm a guarantor. Pretty fancy.

And between me and you, I did take out a massive loan to make it work,

but you've got to spend money to make money in this business,

like I said.

- Yeah, I just... - Do you want to hear one of the songs I'm going to sing

- at Billie's Bar? - Er...

# I can show you the world

# Shining, shimmering

# Splendid

# Tell me, princess, now when...? #

Hello, sailor. Do you want to go downstairs for a quickie?

Er, not right now, Deb. I just need to sort something.

- Be honest - am I still fuckable? - I'm so sorry.

I just need to speak to Seb for a second.

I haven't stripped you of your manhood, have I?

- I have to go. - Talk to me, Dev. Communicate.

You can fix Lisa. You're a man, I promise.

Just tell me you want to fuck me.

Face it, Deb, Lisa's dead. I give up.

I'm no captain.

Oh, shit. The breaker's off.

Without that, the engine won't start.

- So you can start the engine? - Of course I can.

- Have I really let myself go? - No. - Really?

Yeah. You look well young. Actually, when I first met you,

I thought you were the youngest sister.

I just feel like men don't notice me any more.

- Well, I notice you. - Do you? - Yeah.

I can't believe you'd be a grandmother.

You'd be a freak of science if that happened.

You'd be in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Do you think I'm fuckable?

Er...

# A thrilling chase

# A wondrous place

# For you and me... #

That's absolutely fantastic, but I really just...

# Unbelievable sights

# Indescribable feelings

# Soaring, tumbling... #

Don't you dare tell a fucking soul about this.

Of course I wouldn't. Wouldn't want the house to be uncomfortable

while I'm living in it, now, would I?

Nicky! How did it go?

Did you two get to know each other?

- Well, Mum, do you approve? - Er... - Say Nicky can stay.

All right. He can stay.

You're the best mum in the world.

You know what? I feel like singing.

# I... #

- You bastard! - What happened?

Adultery.

- Er, well, I wouldn't go as far... - He kissed my wife.

- What? - All right, mate, calm down. - I will not calm down, good sir.

- Seb, please. - Not right now, darling. I'm defending your honour.

This is for my son.

Ah!

- Don't make me do this, mate. - I want you to.

NICKY SIGHS

SEB GROANS

Ouch!

OK.

All right. Well, I can tell when I've been bested.

- She's yours. - Mate, she kissed me.

Er, I've got to be completely honest here.

Josie, that is absolutely shameful behaviour.

- A mutiny if ever I saw one. - It wasn't me.

- It was the hat. I swear. - It is true. The hat is cursed.

Right. I see the problem here.

Josie, apologise to your husband.

- Sorry, Seb. - It's all right. I know what it is.

She's ovulating. She can't help it. Merciless to her own body.

She's like a dog on heat. She's feral.

He's right. I'm on heat. It's my hormones.

- Sorry, Billie. - Don't apologise to me. Apologise to him.

My whole body went cold.

Like death passed through my lips. Like she was sucking out my soul.

I was scared, mate. I was scared.

Sorry, Nicky.

There you go. Apology accepted.

And while we're telling the truth...

..I struggled to get an erection this morning.

There, I've said it.

There's nothing more manly

than a man admitting he can't get an erection.

- Nicky, apologise to Seb. - Sorry, Seb.

Well, well, well, Nicky. Did you see who she picked?

Yes, sirree, she chose me. She... She's mine.

I didn't want her.

Look at him. Absolutely gutted.

Guess the best man won, eh? Put it there, brother.

And there we have it.

You know, we have a saying at work.

"Communication is key,"

and communication really is...

- ..key. - That is a brilliant saying, Dev,

and I'm sure there's many more to learn at Drayton Hicks.

I'm sure there is too, Deb.

One last try.

ENGINE STARTS

- Lisa's not dead after all. - Fantastic!

Captain Dev.

No, Deb. I'm no captain.

I'm a man.

You can both be godfather. He can have two godfathers.

The manliest baby in the world. Imagine that. Two godfathers.

Now that's a sequel I'd like to see.

So how are you going to get out of sex with Seb?

I'm going to use my feminine wiles.

- Do you want to touch my dick? - No, thank you.

The old Josie. I've missed you.

Tell me again how turned on you are.

- I'm not turned on. - Turns me on so much.

- Look at me. - I don't want to. - Take off your pants.

I'd rather keep them on.

I'm going to... I'm going to...

Get in there, my son!

It happened. Sorry.

Have to try again tomorrow.

Gutted.

MOANING

Oh! I got the boat going!

Lisa's not dead after all.

Absolutely you did.

Oh, you're the manliest man of all.

Dare I say it? You've got your mojo back.

You know, you're right.

And I think I've realised what my calling is.

You're going to take the head of communications job?

I've got something much better than head of communications.

Head of Drayton Hicks?

No. I'm going to become a counsellor.

A men's mental health counsellor.

Communication is key for men.

Of course, it'll be much, much lower money.

Terrible pay. Terrible.

But it's not about the money, is it? You're right, Deb.

I finally feel like myself again.

Hello?

Deb?

Out cold.

HE CHUCKLES

I always slept better when I'm on Lisa too.

Goodnight, Lisa.

- I'm Deb. - I know.