Original subtitles

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature,

deals with Suicide and contains strong language and adult humour

Honestly, girls, Dev's fine. He'll be back in the office on Monday.

Are you sure? He seemed quite serious about quitting.

It's just a funny turn. You know all about those, Josie.

Bloody hell, it's like the pot sectioning the kettle.

It's a midlife crisis. He stinks of it.

Trust me, we are one step closer to that massive house.

I guarantee it.

SHE SCREAMS

CREAKING

Morning, Mummy.

We love you.

Please...eat something.

- Raw. - Well, sorry if I don't know how to boil a fucking egg!

You can't fucking see inside them.

I'm not a fucking magician.

Now, Mum, I've googled your symptoms,

and you either have terminal cancer or anxiety.

- What? - Aren't you their spokesperson?

There's no shame in anxiety.

I'm anxious all the time.

Do I let that stop me?

Yes. Constantly.

You wish it was anxiety.

You'd love that, wouldn't you?

Well, sorry to disappoint you.

I'm not anxious. I'm just very, very tired.

Well, if you're not anxious, why can't you eat?

- I'm not hungry. - Because you're anxious.

No, it's acid reflux.

I haven't had this much stomach pain

since I thought you were a miscarriage.

That'll teach me to get my hopes up.

It's nothing to do with all the boxes

and Dev's dead wife's stuff everywhere?

- No. - What about the fact he decided his house

is too big for one man, and he'd rather move in with us?

Enough. I just want to have a relaxing bath in peace.

- You fixed the hole, didn't you? - Absolutely.

Good as new.

What the fuck do we do?

We run a bath and hope she doesn't notice.

WATER RUNS

Can't we just pay someone to fix it?

With what fucking money, Billie?

- I'm a sugar baby now. - Oh. How much is he paying you?

Well, nothing yet.

And have you been having sex?

- No. - So business is booming.

Thinking about it, we haven't actually spoken

since he agreed to be my sugar daddy.

Hmm. You have such bad luck with daddies.

The problem is, I can't get him away from his stupid wife.

He's taking her out for cream tea tomorrow.

- What's cream tea? - Yeah. I don't know.

- It must be really good because it's all posh people eat. - Wow.

Sounds fancy. Maybe I should go, see him in person.

Remind him of his responsibilities as my sugar daddy.

Maybe he's afraid to make the first move.

- He's quite shy. - Girls...

- Deb seems quite tired, doesn't she? - She's anxious.

- What about? - The house is a bit cramped.

- All the boxes. - Oh, gosh.

Oh, right. OK.

Strange, I hadn't noticed.

Doesn't seem cramped to me at all.

I hadn't noticed either!

- So tomorrow. What's the plan? - What's tomorrow?

- It's Mother's Day. - That's not a thing.

- Yes, it is. - No, it's only a thing in America.

No, I think it's here as well.

So, chance to show her you appreciate her.

Mum knows we appreciate her.

Can one of you bring in my glasses?

Are your legs fucking broken?

Sorry. That was Josie.

I don't think she would enjoy Mother's Day.

She prefers to think of herself as a straight-talking older sister.

I was thinking cream tea.

You could treat her.

- Good idea. Two birds, one stone. - Excellent.

Deb will be so happy.

DOOR LOCKS

He's such a nonce.

You can't call people a nonce just cos they're annoying.

- You can if they're a nonce. - Mum's not tired.

She's anxious.

- We're trapped in this fucking hellhole of a house. - Yeah, well,

unless you get sectioned again, you're fucking stuck here.

- There's no escape. - Are you running a bath?

- Can you save me the water? - Fuck off, Seb!

- You know I'm third in the rotation. - But yesterday you said...

SPEECH MUFFLED

There, fixed.

It's bath-time!

Why is this door locked?

Locked doors are illegal.

WATER STOPS

It's all yours.

SHE SIGHS

Wonderful.

THUD, SHE SCREAMS

Yum-yum-yum. Cream tea.

How wonderful to be celebrating Mother's Day,

and all to show Deb how much we appreciate her.

Can't wait to feast on...

Wait. This menu is only, like, stupid little sandwiches and stuff.

- Where are all the mains? - Billie, that's what a cream tea is.

As much egg and watercress as you can manage.

- It's amazing. - Plants in bread - a revelation.

Well, eat whatever horrible old shit you like. It's on me.

Is Deb really worried about the boxes?

Are you sure she's not just really, really tired? A sleepy lady.

Probably worried you're going to leave. Their dad left.

You need to keep reminding them you're going to stick around.

That's what I do.

Look at Josie now.

Thriving.

Weird. I really thought she was there.

Yes, um, so sorry.

I've taken an absolutely bloody massive overdose

and I need to be sectioned.

Just a fizzy water for me.

Does anyone know where my wife is?

- She's at the hospital. - What for?

Women's issues.

Again?

Wow.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I mean, WOW.

This is crazy.

I've got to go.

Be right back.

All right. You've got to have this.

It might make you feel sick, but it'll flush your system.

How many pills did you take?

A lady never tells.

- We need to know. - Trust me - enough.

- I just need you to section me, OK? - Why?

Because I loved it.

Regular meal times.

Lights out. Very clear set of rules to adhere to.

Strawberry jam in a tiny foil packet.

A buxom motherly nurse to play giant chess with.

It was amazing. Please keep me in, mother me.

I can't do anything

until you tell me how many pills you took.

Be honest. You can tell me. We don't judge.

We're here to help you. How many pills did you take?

Two.

Well, I would have taken more.

I was starting to worry it was a bit dangerous.

FOOTSTEPS

- Did they let you out already? - Didn't get in.

Too many marbles. Not enough pills.

So, are you going to do everyone a favour

and just kill yourself, then?

Nah, I'm going to go private.

That sounds expensive.

Which is great, cos I've got a job for you.

Graham's over there with his stupid, ugly wife.

I need you to take care of her.

What, kill her?

No! Distract her.

There's money in it for you. Rock-hard cash.

Sugar babies can make a fuck tonne of money.

I'll give you a car. Hello, business class sectioning.

Premium breakdown with no expense spared.

I'm just not sure I'm very comfortable being your pimp.

Not pimp. A business manager.

Do whatever you need to do

to manage me fucking that old man for money.

- His wife looks nice. - Trust me.

She's a geriatric old crone and a pain in my arse.

Right, there's Mr Daddy. Showtime.

And you CAN kill her if you have to.

At her age, it's the kindest thing to do.

So, Dev, obviously, as much as I love all your stuff

being in the house,

I was just wondering if you got any closer

to working out what you'd like to do with your life.

You know, every day I get a bit closer.

But the main thing is, I'm not going anywhere.

I'm staying by your side forever.

- Nothing to eat? - No, thanks. Not hungry.

No wonder you're so tired. You've got no energy.

Food equals energy.

So...

Please...

For me...

Now...swallow.

There you go. I'm proud of you.

Not so sleepy any more, are you?

TOILET FLUSHES

Miss me, stranger?

Billie! What the hell are you doing? My wife is here.

Please, I told you, I don't want to be your sugar daddy.

And you're not my sugar baby.

Poor man.

Still in denial.

If you want VIP access to the Perfect Pussy Club,

it comes at a price.

I gave you money outside my house to get you to leave.

I get it, you're scared.

Scared of being with a real woman.

Scared of getting everything you've ever wanted.

I'm scared of my wife finding out. This whole affair was a mistake.

Perhaps you need a reminder of what you've been missing out on.

- No. Thank you. - Well, how am I supposed to make any money

if you're too much of a wuss to let me fuck you?

Look, um, if you need money,

here's everything I've got.

It's all in pound coins. Sorry.

I like to have spares for the big-shop trolley.

- Please leave me alone. - £12?

Fucking hell.

All right, I'll suck you off, but I won't cover my teeth.

Billie...

No.

Sorry, do you know where all the mains are?

This is all stupid little sandwiches and shit.

That's what an afternoon tea is, sweetheart.

It's all egg and cress and hummus and roasted vegetables.

- Mmm. Yummy. - You all right, dear?

- You look a bit unwell. - I don't feel very well, actually.

Oh, dear. Do you think you should perhaps sit down?

SHE VOMITS

Daddy, wait. This one's for free.

What are you looking at?

Yeah. All right. He's old, but he's really grateful.

So stop being so fucking close-minded, OK?

He's my dad.

SHE VOMITS

Oh, poor love. You're not very well, are you?

- No, I'm not, actually. - Can I get you something?

How about a paracetamol?

Oh, no, thanks, I've had enough.

- I'm sorry about all this. - Oh, that's all right.

- I'm a doctor. - What kind of doctor?

A neurosurgeon.

You fix people's brains.

You could say that, yes.

Do you have anyone you want me to call or anything?

Are you here with your mum?

- Yeah. Why? - Should I go and get her?

She's probably worried.

JOSIE LAUGHS

You're funny.

Every girl needs her mother.

Well, um, I'd better get back to my table.

My daughter's waiting.

Right, now I've taken a bite,

seems only fair you should go back to work.

No. I'm the happiest I've ever been.

The corporate rat race is not for me.

The old Dev is dead. I buried him, and I don't know about you,

I kind of like this guy.

Well, I like the old Dev.

Well, too bad, because he's dead.

Listen to me. I am not going anywhere.

Even if I never make any money again,

I am staying by your side.

You're stuck with me.

- Happy Mother's Day. - She's not your mother.

- I'd be lucky if she was. - So you want to fuck your mother?

If she were Deb, absolutely!

A wonderful mother.

Josie, you look like dog shit.

I don't feel very well.

I didn't ask for your fucking life story.

How did it go?

Business is booming.

There was a small snag, though, but I've sorted it.

- Small snag? - His daughter saw.

Oh. Oh, that's fine.

- How old is she? - Probably doesn't even know what sex is.

Yeah, hard to tell with kids. Maybe, like, six.

She'll be happy for me. Desperate for a new mummy

given her one's doing the crossword in God's waiting room.

- Nobody believes little kids anyway. - Yeah.

I did have to give her a little bribe, though.

Billie, as your manager,

I really feel like I should be consulted on things like this.

It's just business. It's sorted.

And now I can go back to the business of fucking her dad.

A word.

Lucy, please.

I'm with my family.

Now.

- More. - Please be reasonable, Lucy.

What did she give you, like, a Kinder Egg, or something?

You're not having any more of my fucking coke.

Billie, did you give cocaine to a six-year-old?

- I'm 15. - Me too. - Yeah, you wish.

Give me my fucking coke!

Lucy, no. We shook on it.

You've got such a tiny nose.

You can't cut me off.

- You owe me big time. - Oh, are you going to tell your mum?

I'm so scared! You want your parents to divorce, do you?

Yeah. I can't wait for them to split up. I hate my dad,

and my mum's a fucking wet old lady with no backbone.

Don't speak about her like that!

She's a highly respected neurosurgeon.

Who the fuck are you? You look insane.

Yeah, well, joke's on you,

because I've tried to kill myself twice,

- so I bet you feel bad now. - Yeah. I feel bad

that you're not very good at killing yourself.

Why do you need a sugar daddy anyway?

- Not got a real daddy at home? - I do.

And he'll reply to my text when he's ready.

He's still thinking about what to say.

Billie, a moment to confer?

- I think we should let her tell them. - What?

Think about it. Why are we protecting this family?

Don't you want Graham to yourself?

If they split up, you know he's going to pick you.

You're right. I would have Graham to myself.

He'd have more money for me, and he'll spend less on

that six-year-old kraken out there and his stupid, ugly wife.

- Yeah, stupid, lovely wife. - Ugh.

My client has a request for you.

Ask your dad how my pussy tastes.

That bitch has no idea how much of a crusty old cock-block she is.

She's not that bad.

You fancy her! You're wet for a frigid old neurosurgeon.

- My business is at stake. - But I love her.

Trust you to fall in love with the first mother figure

who pays you any attention.

Pathetic. Why can't you pick on someone your own age?

Hello, Mr Daddy.

Girls, if there is one piece of advice I can give you,

it's value your independence.

You do not want to end up with a man like Dev sucking me dry.

Well, that's why it was my idea to take you out for cream tea.

I love you so much, Mum.

What are you actually doing for a new job again?

Um, she's an assistant to an old man.

Bloody hell. He must be paying you well. What does he do?

He's a house husband, neglected by his wife.

She's a neurosurgeon. Hasn't got time to look after him.

Well, there's two sides to every story.

Yet another man scrounging off his wife.

Treat the wife well, that's what I say.

If that wife was brave enough,

she'd cut him the fuck loose. Then what would he do?

Mmm? Kiss all that lovely cash goodbye.

It's his wife's money.

There we go.

Hopefully that's balanced the account.

And the rest.

Just...really don't feel comfortable giving that much cocaine to a child.

Daddy!

Oh!

Fuck's sake, Josie, just give it to her.

Oh!

There we go.

That was easy, wasn't it?

Enjoy your fucking coke.

Enjoy fucking my dad.

Wow. For me?

Nope. I'd like to make a little announcement.

It may be Mother's Day,

but it's also Father's Day,

because we're pregnant.

We didn't want to tell anyone too early.

In fact, haven't even talked to Josie about it yet.

But I'm just too excited. I'm going to be a daddy.

Get in there, my son!

Josie's not pregnant.

Trust me, she is. Mood swings, nausea -

every night whenever I'm in the mood.

She's been in the hospital with women's issues.

- She's pregnant. - No, she's not.

You'd have to be having sex to get pregnant.

Well, if those sex noises aren't coming from Josie's room,

whose room could they be coming from?

- Yeah. No clue. Maybe she is. - Well, where is she?

You two have hardly fucking been here.

She's in the toilet. She's just been sick.

Yeah. Morning sickness.

I bet she's all sweaty and agitated too.

A classic pregnant woman.

- You've not touched your food, Deb. - I'll finish it.

- I'm eating for two now anyway. - Where will you live?

Uh, I was hoping we'd live with you.

There's enough room for a little one, isn't there?

I should hope so. We'll have a cosy little commune of love.

Where the fuck will a baby go? In one of Dev's boxes?

Don't be silly. They've got my records in.

I'm going to teach him how to play catch.

Obviously, I have to learn how to do that myself -

but I've got a nine-month head start on the little bugger.

- Who's going to cook and clean up after it? - Well, it's just dinner.

How hard can throwing a couple more chicky nuggs on the baking tray be?

He's not having my fucking chicky nuggs.

I'm saying we put more on the tray.

We already finish the bag. We'd have to buy another bag.

Who's paying for that, Seb? You haven't thought this through at all!

Dev, it's just occurring to me right now.

I'm just thinking about your big, empty house.

Yes. There's no takers yet.

Well, you know, until there is...

Oh, I'm never setting foot in it again. It's massive.

Impractical.

Besides, it wouldn't be respectful to Lisa.

Or to you.

I've made up my mind. Deb, I promise you,

we're never going in that house ever again.

The end.

SHE WHEEZES

What's going on?

SHE GASPS

- Is she all right? - All right, then, I WILL tell you.

I've got anxiety. OK? It's anxiety.

Oh, darling, there's nothing to be a bit worried about.

I'm not just tired.

It's fucking anxiety.

I've got so much fucking anxiety I can't eat.

Well, you've shocked me there. Are you sure?

See, as an empath, I'm usually so good at picking up on these things.

- Wow. I'm an empath too. - And me. Look at us!

Table full of empaths.

So much empathy at this table, I could explode.

THEY LAUGH

It's amazing none of us have picked up on the fact

that we're all empaths, considering we're all empaths!

We're saying the word empath so much,

it's like it's lost all meaning.

THEY CHUCKLE

Listen to me, Mum.

Don't let Josie get in your head. You haven't got anxiety.

You're just tired.

Yes. All right. Yes.

I haven't got anxiety.

I'm just a tired, sleepy lady.

Thank you, Billie.

Happy Mother's Day.

Look, you're obviously gay and trapped in a loveless marriage.

We already have so much in common, we could be free.

I was helping you because you were unwell

and I'm a doctor.

So you don't want to be my, um...

- ..sugar mummy? - No, thank you. - OK.

What would it take for you to be my actual mother?

I'm not your mother.

How many pills do I need to take for someone to care about me?

- You don't want to do that. - Just say when.

- One? - No. - Two?

Spit out those fucking pills.

This girl's having a mental health crisis.

Don't worry about it. She never takes more than two.

- All talk and no trousers. - Please, can you help me find her mother?

- I am her mother. - Well, can you help her, then?

Don't fall for it. She just wants attention. Honestly.

Kids! Get out.

She was the love of my life.

Get over yourself.

- Thank you. - Now, tell me, are you pregnant?

- What? No. - Where the fuck have you been, then?

I was in hospital. I tried to get sectioned.

Oh, my fucking God!

Yes! NOT PREGNANT!

I have never been so proud of you.

She was a neurosurgeon.

She was going to fix my brain.

Oh, darling...

..that will take much more than surgery.

Fantastic news, everyone. She's not pregnant.

- She was just depressed. - Wow. You'd think this room full of empaths

would have picked up on that! What a day of curveballs.

Come on, mate. Don't let them see you crying.

It's not manly.

And now I can eat!

I've never felt relief like this in my whole life.

Delicious.

Well, dinner's on Graham.

Where's my cut?

One, two.

Yeah, sorry, it's all in pound coins.

His wife only lets him carry small change.

- £2? - Yeah, that feels fair. - He gave me £12.

Sorry, he gave you £12 to suck him off?

That was all the cash he had on him.

Right, that's it. I'm running a fucking business here.

- Excuse me. - Did you ask your dad how my pussy tastes?

- That man owes us fucking money. - Oh, for goodness' sake, Graham.

Do you think my sister's blowjobs are only worth £12?

All right. Calm down.

We are working through Graham's sex addiction together.

- What? - Marriage has its difficulties,

but we are a family, and we stick together.

Well, I quit. You're no longer my sugar daddy.

- It's over. - I never was your sugar daddy.

So why the fuck was I sucking you off at cream tea, then?

- I did ask you to stop. - Yeah, well, he's a nonce.

- I'm 15. - No, you're not. - I could be. - Well, when were you born?

Well, I'm younger than you, you dry old fossil.

How much would it cost for you to never speak to us again?

One...

Two...

£5 million.

- I have a 20. - Thank you.

You pensioners deserve each other.

Enjoy the last few years you have left. See ya.

Unless you fuck girls?

No?

OK, then.

Happy Mother's Day.

Yes! Business is booming.

Suck my dick, NHS.

Hello, private room with diazepam in the minibar.

Sorry, I need this.

You have no idea how expensive cocaine is.

How did you get that much, anyway?

A lady never tells.

- Well, did your mum say I could stay? - I'm working on it, Nicky.

I took her out for cream tea today,

- buttering her up. - Crack on, love.

I'm living off your fucking vapes in here.

- Trust me, I'm being so nice to her. - Billie, can you help me?

I've dropped one of my crutches down the stairs.

Get it yourself. It's only a sprain.

So nice.

OK, but how many do I need to take to get in?

Are we talking double figures?

I think we could do it, you know.

Not a lot of things in this life are for sure, but it's you and me.

I love you more than anything.

And if I can make something as perfect as you,

well, baby, I'd be selling my sperm on the black market.

This could be something for us to live for.

We could start a new life.

Away from here?

Anything you want.

OK, then.

Seriously?

Oh, my God.

Deb, I know you've been worrying about space,

and I've really heard you.

Are we moving into your house?

Even better!

There's something I wanted to show you.

You've been so very tired lately, Deb,

and we all need a break, and this has been in storage since...

Well, anyway.

I think it's time we brought her back.

Here she is.

Isn't she lovely?

Fucking hell.

He's gone insane.

The man's dumped a midlife crisis on our driveway.

I told you - he's a nonce.

HE STRAINS

- Heavy? - That's heavy.

So would you maybe think about seeing a doctor for your anxiety?

Listen, I don't have anxiety.

It's a big fuss over nothing. It's all about perspective.

I mean, yes, it is a boat, but at least it's not a fucking baby.

All this time I've been thinking things cannot get any worse.

That's not true.

Things could always be worse.

Things could always be worse.

I knew you'd love her, Deb, because I'm such an empath.

I know what makes you happy.