Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language, adult humour, and some scenes of a sexual nature

-Come on, you haven't told us the story yet. We need all the details. -He said, "OK, then."

-That's so hot. Did he get on one knee? -No.

-Did he get out a ring? -No.

Well, that doesn't matter, it's brilliant news.

I'm so happy for you.

Don't you ruin this for me, Josie.

You'd love to ruin my engagement dinner, wouldn't you?

Sorry.

Do you think Dev's been acting a bit odd?

He's not said anything all dinner.

He's been in the bathroom for 20 minutes.

I don't know, girls.

The most important thing is not to ask him any questions.

Men don't like it when you ask questions.

That's why they don't ask us any.

They're leading by example.

Are you OK, Dev?

Something's been bothering me, Deb,

and I've just got to come out and say it.

Spencer's not dead, is he?

You lied to me, didn't you?

-I said we were separated. -Separated by death.

You took me to his grave. How could you?

Congratulations!

Here's to forever.

Speaking as a married man,

you two are in for the adventure of a lifetime.

♪ Everybody in love

♪ Come put your hands up. ♪

Come on, Dev, hands up!

I just don't know any more.

That's not how it goes.

I really hoped he'd pay for this one.

What's going on with your face?

I'm happy.

Fucking hell.

The state of it.

A medical mystery,

like your mouth's doing the right thing,

but your eyes are trying to call the Samaritans.

Happy?

Troubling.

-OK, stop, it's scary. -I can't help it.

I'm in love.

Charlie's perfect.

How have you been avoiding Seb?

I've been telling him I've been going to Book Club.

Imagine? Imagine me reading a book?

Having an affair is a proper thrill,

cos it's like a victimless crime.

Well, apart from his ugly wife.

She probably knows deep down that this day would come.

If you look like that, compared to me.

And we're kissing loads.

Yeah, me and Charlie too.

There's that smile again.

Stop it, it's scary.

Good evening!

God, it's so strange you being the depressed one.

-You're right, it is pathetic. -I'm not depressed.

I've just got no energy and everything seems pointless.

It's not depression, it's just being tired.

Oh, well, right, sorry, my mistake.

Well, at least you're still getting married.

And we're all still moving into the massive house, aren't we?

I don't know.

Well...

...try not to think too much, OK?

Like you said, your brain's the enemy.

And if you smiled a bit more,

maybe you'd be better at keeping your man!

A bit like me.

Well, good luck, I'm off to Book Club.

Josie, do you think I'm thick?

What sort of a book club starts at 10pm?

It's a late night one.

If you're going to have an affair, you need to get better at lying.

We need Seb.

He is the sole man bringing home the bacon.

You lying on your back and thinking of England

is a noble sacrifice for our mortgage.

He's not going to find out.

I don't care which sad lesbian with a bowl cut you're fingering.

If Seb finds out, we are all fucked.

The walls are fucking caving in.

Oh, was that hole always there?

- WHISPERS: - I hate you.

Ready to die?

What the fuck?!

Oh, sorry.

That's weird.

-Promotion at work. -You're up early.

Me and Graham have to fuck really early in the morning,

while he still has the energy to get hard.

-Seb tried to kill me. -What?

-In his sleep. -Seb tried to kill you in your sleep?

No, he tried to kill me in - his - sleep. There's a difference.

His subconscious is onto me.

This is the problem with dating a younger man.

Older men haven't got time for all this bullshit

because they're busy knocking on death's door.

Honestly, it's so refreshing.

None of those expectations younger men have on us, you know.

Oh, can you hand me the razor? He likes me bald.

Seb's not actually going to kill me, is he?

You'd love that, wouldn't you?

What's the time?

It's just gone eight.

Shit, I'm pushing my luck.

That'll have to do.

I don't want to spend the day thumbing in a softie.

You got back late from Book Club last night.

You must be knackered.

Are the books too long?

It was a gripping session.

Must be some hot, hot takes you're having.

The last thing I read was Pride and Prejudice at school.

One of these days, I'll come with you.

-It's women only. -Oh, yeah.

You have told me that, first day at work jitters.

Haven't been sleeping very well, you know.

Can't sleep unless I orgasm.

Perhaps you could masturbate.

What a waste.

Not since we're married.

Would feel like adultery. I shalt not!

I think I'll save it all up for my beloved wife,

thank you very much.

Will I see you tonight?

Sorry, it's Book Club again.

Again?

Goodness me, what are you reading?

Pride and Prejudice.

Wow.

Well, I won't come, then.

I've already read that.

Tell Dev I'm fucking thriving.

You can tell him yourself, he's picking me up.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Fuck! -Kisses!

See you when you get back, baby.

-Ready, Seb? -Won't be as exciting as the casino.

A blessed relief. I'm a businessman now.

I'm out of the gambling business and into the business business.

Gambling never made sense to me.

-Life's risky enough as it is. -I know.

There's a slight chance you won't win, which must be stressful.

Well, I think gambling is sexy.

You could lose,

or you could win everything.

Deb, you look amazing.

I always do.

But a minute ago, you looked awful.

I thought you might like this back.

It's dead, by the way.

-Is it? -Sorry.

Is it definitely dead or alive?

Are you sure?

Were you just telling me it's dead when really it's still alive?

I don't know.

-Oops. -No, it's still alive.

Just needs a bit of charge.

Abandoned again.

But at least I've got my daughter to keep me company today.

Block out all those dark thoughts.

Sorry, I've got plans.

FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

Huh.

I just feel like your heart isn't in this.

No, no, I love it.

Please continue.

You're thinking about your ugly wife, aren't you?

I'm starting to worry this might not be fair to her.

-You don't even kiss. -Well, yeah.

I feel like that's crossing a line.

You're scared of her.

How pathetic.

Being scared of a woman.

A stupid woman.

She's a neurosurgeon.

And don't we all know it?

She touches people every day.

She's probably been inside more men than you know.

That's not fair to you.

-Kiss me. -No. -Right, I give up.

All right, all right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I know we were really excited about this affair,

but I just don't know if I have it in me.

This isn't an affair.

Affairs are in hotels and shit, not your stupid wife's car.

This is a waste of my time.

You can suck yourself off from now on.

No, no, Billie, don't go.

I'm sorry, you're right.

You're a princess.

You deserve a castle.

I'll book the Holiday Inn.

Tonight.

But that's far too late for you to get an erection.

I'll do my best.

Well...

...Prince Charming.

Now, stop whimpering so I can finish you off.

Well, well, well.

So we finally meet.

You're late. Wasn't sure you were going to make it.

Oh, kept you waiting, did I?

Well, I've done two years of that on your waiting list.

A lovely taste of your own medicine doesn't slip down too easy, does it?

The NHS mental health service

is doing everything it possibly can

to cope with astronomical strain.

Well, too little, too late. And guess what?

I'm fine now, so egg on your face.

You can't handle me at my worst,

you don't deserve me at my medicated best.

You can shove this appointment up your underfunded arse.

I've got a girlfriend now, she makes me happy.

I'd much rather talk about her, to be honest.

I think it's best if we focus on discussing your mental health.

Nope. No point. It's Charlie's problem now.

And don't bother keeping my number on the system.

If we break up, I won't be coming back,

cos I'll definitely have killed myself.

You're having suicidal thoughts?

Er, yeah!

Who doesn't? You're telling me some people don't?

And that's only if we break up.

-Are you saying you have a plan? -Oh, yeah.

I've got to have a plan.

You'll find me floating down the Thames

with my goodbye note stapled to my chest.

Let society see what they did to their bravest soldier.

-You have a note? -Yeah, but don't worry,

it's laminated, so it won't get soggy.

Anyway, I just came here to say that I'm happy now,

and I don't need these anti-depressants.

I'm at peace now.

I'm happy!

Sorry.

I'm happy.

Back in a minute.

Hmm.

This is Doctor Rajni. He'll be asking you some questions.

Do you want to hear about my girlfriend too?

Uh, filing cabinets.

Staples.

Be careful, they know how many's in there.

Wow.

The corporate rat race in full flow.

So, what do you actually do?

Er, communications.

Bloody brilliant.

What's communications?

Well, our department is responsible for developing

an internal communications strategy

that aligns with external corporate communications.

And as of the work drinks tonight, I am being promoted to team leader

of external corporate communications.

Yeah, I mean, when I put it like that, it does sound rather dull.

I think this is the best job I've ever had.

It's funny, I didn't think I'd still be here.

I was just supposed to be a summer job.

How long have you been here?

29 years.

That is a long summer.

There she is.

The reason I do it all. My loving wife.

You're bringing Josie tonight?

God, I wish.

It's that bloody Book Club again.

Every night she comes back smelling of academia.

Tongue so tired from discourse she can't even kiss.

It's not right, God bless her.

I'll be lucky to ever see her before midnight,

that little book-loving worm.

A bit late for a book club.

-What do you mean? -Well, I just think...

Don't believe everything you hear from that family.

You think I should go to the Book Club and scope it out?

I mean, one minute they say they've got a dead husband,

and then the next thing you know, he's alive.

I mean, maybe they're all just liars!

-You OK? -I'm sorry.

Of course Josie is not lying, I'm just miserable.

I miss Deb.

Everything seems meaningless without her.

I mean, she looks fantastic.

Tell me, was this morning just a show...

...or is she really better off without me?

There's no easy way to tell you this, Dev.

She's fucking thriving.

BEEPING

Sorry, it's not going through.

-Have you tried wiping the chip? -Have you tried winding your neck in?

Ahem.

I'll get that for you.

-Jamie. -Debbie, long time, no see.

What's it been? Two years?

-You look so different. -Well...

It's amazing what a haircut and a bit of luck can do.

-Right, well, best be off. -It's mainly money.

But not before I catch up with an old friend.

You having a party tonight?

Not exactly.

Well, if you fancy some company...

No, thank you, I'm engaged.

-Well, actually, I'm not sure any more. -You're not sure?

Well, let me know if you'd ever like to be sure about something.

BEEPING

Oh!

Thank you, Jamie.

Actually, er, I go by James now.

What, like James Bond?

SHE LAUGHS

Here's your thrush cream.

It's for Josie.

It's going to be really awkward for you

if my girlfriend comes to pick me up.

We're not here to talk about your girlfriend.

You do believe I've got a girlfriend, though, don't you?

Look, we're really here to discuss ways

we can help you during crisis.

I'm not in crisis.

I've got a girlfriend.

You're going to be so embarrassed for making me stay here.

You don't have to stay.

This is a voluntary section, you can leave any time.

Right.

Well, I was going to go, but now I won't,

because I think you think my girlfriend isn't real.

Would you like us to call her?

Yes, please.

What? Jamie?

I always thought you ruled him out because of his pathetic salary

and dry, red scalp.

Yeah, well, now that he's got money,

his dandruff and disturbing behaviour

are actually rather sexy.

What, so you fancy him cos he's loaded?

Darling, at my age, it's one or the other

and if it's a choice between the two, I know which one I prefer.

Money can't pop out for teabags and never come back.

Well, I'm happy for you.

Do you know how he made his money?

He said it was a bit of luck,

and I don't need to know any more than that.

As I said, darling, men don't like it when you ask them questions.

His business is none of my business.

Good for you.

Oh, I don't know. What about Dev?

Oh, move on! It's pathetic now!

As far as I'm concerned, your relationship

is as dead as his dead wife.

You're like this hole.

You need fucking filling.

I do.

I do need filling.

Yes, you do. For God's sake, look at yourself, woman.

Depression.

Mascara down your face, tracksuit bottoms.

Unshaved armpits.

You know who you are.

Oh, my God.

I'm Josie!

-Go, Mum, before it's too late. -Thank you, Billie.

I am so proud of you.

The big promotion, your independence.

And, best of all, for not being Josie.

Right, I'm off out!

Where are you going?

Work again. Oh, I'm a workaholic.

Shouldn't you be in costume?

Yeah.

You're right, yeah, sorry.

Hello, checking in.

Surname, Woman. First name, Arthur.

That's not my real name.

It's Mr...

Actually, I don't know what his fake name is,

but his real name is Graham Campbell.

And do you need his National Insurance number?

You have to give me a second to open my database.

No need. Mr Campbell's not here yet.

-But you can go up to the room. -Thanks.

We're having an affair.

So I suppose you're wondering how I made all my money.

No, of course not, not at all.

I've got a lot of fingers in a lot of pies.

Mainly crypto, to be honest.

Some investments.

I've got a lot of money on a lot of different horses.

Wow.

And horses are expensive.

I bet you're wondering, what's crypto?

Well, Pussy Galore,

if I told you,

I'd have to kill you.

It's risky, but, uh,

I guess I'm just one of life's winners.

Should we split this?

I'm joking!

Imagine. Put your card away, you crazy woman.

Fantastic plastic.

That's...

...my wallet.

I know.

I got a call from the hospital.

BANGING

Oh, it's you!

Yes, it's me.

Well, well, well.

Here she is, everyone.

Are you feeling embarrassed now?

Egg on all your faces.

Can I speak to you in private?

Um, no, I think all the nurses should hear this.

Well, maybe they should hear this, actually, um...

Do you think I'm your girlfriend?

Oh, sorry, you're not keen on labels.

You follow me into art school every day,

you find out what club nights I go to,

and you stare at me for hours, and then you follow me home.

I don't even want to know how you've got my number.

This is all in your head, OK?

I'm not your girlfriend.

But what about all the yearning,

the way we stare at each other across the lecture hall?

I was trying to work out how you got in.

You're not even a student!

Look, just to be really clear, we are not in a relationship.

She's right, actually.

We're more casual.

I told you I'd take you to a casino, Pussy.

Right...

A couple of spins and then back to mine, OK?

Wow, it's nothing like in the movies.

Let's put it all on black.

It's a fruit machine.

FRUIT MACHINE MUSIC

Oh!

Right, let's go.

No, I'm feeling lucky, let's go again.

FRUIT MACHINE MUSIC

Oh, 50 quid!

-Again. -Are you sure?

Again. We can't lose.

You've already won quite a lot already, maybe we should...

I'm James fucking Bond.

FRUIT MACHINE MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

Hard luck, mate.

You fucking, fucking, fucking stupid, stupid, fucking...

Fuck you! Aargh!

Fuck you! What?

What? Don't touch me! I didn't do anything wrong!

Oh, Billie, I'm so, so sorry.

It's my wife.

Her mother's very sick and, well, she's had a fall.

Suspected blood on the brain.

I had to help take her into intensive care.

And, obviously, my wife's on the list.

Will you stop talking about your fucking wife?

Honestly, you're obsessed with her.

You're right.

I'm so sorry.

No more about my wife.

Uh, shit, er, let me just change out of this shirt.

Still got a bit of blood on the collar.

-Um... -Let me help you.

Oh.

PHONE RINGS

Mm.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Oh, God.

Yeah, of course.

No, they can't catheter her.

She'd get another UTI.

She won't handle the antibiotics.

Yeah.

Yes, of course.

Be there in a sec.

You're leaving me?

Um, look, I might be back tonight,

but I'm not sure. My wife...

-You promised you'd use the code name I gave her. -Sorry.

Ugly Bitch needs me.

Enjoy the room.

Help yourself to the mini fridge. Everything's on me.

Go for it.

For the bus home.

But we didn't even kiss.

Sorry.

Wait, you've got my shoe!

Wait!

-Can I help you? -Yes.

On reflection, I do not feel good.

I think I should stay here.

We've already filled your bed and phoned your emergency contact.

Fuck me.

If you need me, I'll be in the Thames.

Dev.

I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have lied to you.

I love you, and I want to be with you.

You are the most stable man I've ever met.

My lovely, safe James Bond.

Deb,

I'm so pleased to see you.

-Are you? -Yes, um...

And there's something I need to tell you.

I actually think finding out the truth about your husband

was the best thing that could have happened.

-You what? -Yes!

You see, he's given me the strength to tell you my truth.

He's alive,

and so am I.

Eh?

Hello, hello, everyone.

Um, thank you

for the wonderful years at this company.

Um, this promotion truly has meant the world to me.

Um, but ultimately,

I just want to say...

...I think it's time for me to leave.

Effective immediately.

-Fuck me. -Yeah.

I... I want to pursue my dreams.

Um, thank you so much to my fiancee

for supporting me through this decision.

Deb...

Where is she? Deb? There she is, Deb. Right by the door.

Yeah, that's right.

We're engaged.

Oh!

Well, Deb, what do you reckon?

I gambled for the first time in my life.

Sexy, right?

I know.

I am your James Bond.

What were you in the hospital for?

Uh, women's issues.

Absolutely. Say no more.

So...

...which way is it?

Why? Where are we going?

Book Club, silly.

Josie, we're closed.

I'm glad to see you, though, I could really use a friend.

I've just been ghosted. Can you believe it?

Claire, I don't have time for your shit right now.

-Seb's coming. -Oh, boyfriend reveal.

Husband actually. Anyway,

we've been having Book Club for the last three months, OK?

-Every night. -A bit late for a book club.

Please do this for me, you're my best friend.

You didn't tell me your boyfriend looks like Mr Darcy.

This is so lucky.

Pride and Prejudice is my favourite book.

Mine too.

God, I miss those times.

The romance of it all.

But when relationships could be all about a look...

...and then to promise yourself to someone forever.

- WHISPERS: - So romantic.

It's everything I've ever wanted.

As Austen once wrote,

"I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve."

I love that.

I think people are scared to try new things.

Honestly, I've never read it like that, But...

...it's so true.

You never know what you're missing out on.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

Mr Darcy.

It is Mr Darcy, right?

Josie...

I know you've been lying to me.

What do you mean?

You think I'm thick?

You haven't read the book, have you?

You got me.

Guilty.

Prince Charming!

Prince Charming!

It's nearly midnight.

I want my true love's kiss!

Billie, what are you doing?

My wife's asleep, she's had a very long day.

You took my shoe.

I'm Cinderella. Your wife's not Ugly Bitch.

She's the Evil Witch.

I don't want your money.

Take me as I am or don't take me at all.

This is true love.

I want my fucking true love's kiss.

Please keep your voice down.

It's the age gap, isn't it? Listen, Graham,

I don't care that you're really fucking old, just kiss me.

-No. -Kiss me!

-Please. -Kiss me!

I knew it. You love me.

No, I don't.

-It's me or your wife. -My wife?

Right. OK, then.

-Can I have the money back? -Yes, yes.

Please don't tell anyone.

Here.

Take it all.

Wow. OK.

I've always wanted to be a sugar baby.

I'm paying you so you get off my driveway.

Whatever you need to tell yourself, Mr Daddy.

I won't say a word.

Us sugar babies can be very discreet.

Goodnight, Prince Charming!

I shall go to the ball.

Ready to die?

Bang!