Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

- Charlie! You've got your art show today, haven't you? - Yeah, 2pm today.

I'm so nervous.

You should come.

I'll be there.

I wouldn't miss it.

CHARLIE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Are you coming in?

OK.

JOSIE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

As artists, a question we plague ourselves with is,

"Why me? Why now?

"Why am I here?

"And what gives me the right to be here?"

Not me.

DOOR OPENS

Where is she?!

I knew we'd find you in here!

You're not even a student!

Embarrassing.

Up you get.

It's all right, everyone.

I'm her mother.

JOSIE, MUFFLED: Sorry.

Get in the bloody car!

JOSIE WHIMPERS

There we go. Right.

We're going to take the bag off now, but you mustn't scream, OK?

What's happening?

This is the happiest day of your life, Josie.

You did this to me before - when you picked me up from school

and said we were going for a catch-up in Costa,

but instead you dropped me at the dentist and I had to get

five teeth removed.

What was I supposed to do? You had too many teeth.

You knew this day was coming.

We did tell you.

It's been in the calendar for months.

Fucking hell, that does sound familiar.

Aw. I see you've inherited your mother's gift

for blocking things out.

- Really? - It's more of a cream.

I checked with the maid of honour - she says it's fine.

The maid of honour is you.

And she's got great taste.

So has the mother of the bride.

THEY SQUEAL

It's all happening.

I've got Hector, my new car, you've got a new man

and Josie's getting married.

I'm going to have a panic attack.

Oh, what a shock.

Honestly, we all said this would happen.

What?

Trust you to make this whole day about yourself.

For once in your life, Josie, this isn't actually about you.

Who IS it about, then?

Dev, obviously.

This wedding is all he's talked about,

and it is extremely important for him to see us

as the sort of women men marry into,

instead of avoiding in Morrisons.

But I don't want to get married.

Bridezilla alert.

You are getting married today and that is final.

If you don't like it, you can block it out later,

like I did with your father.

Remember the family crest - ignore, repress, forget.

Eight months pregnant and I couldn't even have a drink.

That's another wedding you ruined.

- Sorry. - Yeah, you should be.

Now shut up, have some prosecco

and try not to poison this wedding

with your personality.

It's going to be a magical day.

It's going to be a magical day.

Really? Do you think so?

Promise?

Sorry, I'm a bit on edge.

SEB CHUCKLES

Do you mind if I take my socks off?

I get hot feet when I'm nervous.

I think keep them on for now.

Yeah, OK.

I just need today to go well.

I've been working so hard to pay for this perfect venue

fit for a princess and...

They don't tell you, but weddings are really expensive.

Must be one of those

industry secrets or something.

SEB CHUCKLES

Thankfully, my work clothes double as a wedding suit.

Hmm. Maybe I could stand behind you.

I'm so tired I could have a breakdown right here.

But I can't let Josie down.

I know she's dreamed of this day ever since she was a little girl.

I'd love to see her face right now.

But we can't see each other yet because that's bad luck.

You two don't need luck. You're soulmates.

The real shame is I can't see my own face

when I see her in the dress.

DEV CHUCKLES

But they say marriage is about compromise.

DEV LAUGHS

I wanted to ask you something, but...

..I don't know how you'll react.

OK. Hit me.

Will you...?

Sorry, I feel like I should be down on one knee for this or something.

No.

Will you be my best man?

Good sir,

it would be my life's greatest and most treasured honour.

Also, I assumed I already was cos the wedding's in 40 minutes.

Quick stag do?

Right, yeah. Let's get crazy.

Um, shag, marry, kill - Billie, Deb, Josie.

Don't you want to be a kept woman, Josie?

No, thank you.

Well, you won't know you like it until you've tried it.

There's nothing worse than being single.

That's why I invited your Auntie Wendy.

The pathetic spinster of Christmas future.

I heard she gets a smear test every week

just so someone has to look at her vagina.

That haggard old crone is here to serve as a warning to you -

better dead than single.

- You like? - You're here early.

Yeah, well, Mike used to book all my travel,

but now I can take the train any time I like.

Pure freedom.

Sounds lonely.

Call me lonely if you like,

but I'd choose that over an admin headache any day.

Hey, Billie, you and me, the singles table, eh?

Letting our hair down.

All the single ladies.

I have a boyfriend.

Are you using condoms with this one or will we be adding any more

of your offspring to the big nursery in the sky?

We're not having sex, actually.

He respects me too much.

We get really close and then he kisses me on the cheek

and asks me to get out of his car.

Such a gentleman.

I'm still sucking him off, though.

That doesn't mean anything.

It's not a relationship unless you're having sex.

And if he's not having sex with you,

then he's definitely having sex with someone else.

Honestly, all this sexual politics sounds so exhausting.

That's why I'm single.

- Never been happier. - Hmm.

You don't see a Pride march for us, do you?

Yeah. I suspect you'd struggle for numbers.

Just those selfish gays.

Weird, Josie, I always thought you might be a little bit of a lesbian.

Yeah, me too.

I can't prank call them. That's my job.

Come on!

It's your stag do. It's going to be so funny.

RINGING TONE

Hello, Barfoot's Casino.

Hello.

I just wanted to say,

I think your casino stinks.

Seriously, I mean it.

I hate it and everyone in it.

All right, it's very funny. Put the phone down now.

I have a bolt-action sniper rifle

and I'm going to shoot everyone.

I'm not kidding. I'm really going to fucking do it.

Dave behind the desk, George the cleaner - everyone.

I've got blueprints to the building and keys to the entrance.

All right, that's enough.

SEB LAUGHS

Absolutely hilarious.

What other laddy things should we do?

- Prank the girls? Get a stripper? - THEY CHUCKLE

Maybe I'll just jump off the building.

SEB CACKLES

Sorry.

I'm very tired.

I think work is getting to me a bit.

Working double shifts to pay for this wedding.

But she only wants the best.

No. Girls aren't like that.

Trust me.

Deb never even mentions weddings.

They're not materialistic.

Josie loves you for you.

For richer or poorer.

Wow.

That's great. Maybe I should put that in my vows.

I think it might already be in there.

Oh, my God. You're right.

You really ARE the best man.

Fucking hell! If you're not going to cooperate,

you're going to walk down the aisle with a fucking tit out!

BILLIE SIGHS

PHONE BUZZES

Well, you have to get married now cos Graham's coming.

I'm going to have sex with him.

So snap the fuck out of it.

JOSIE GASPS

BREATHES RAGGEDLY

Sorry. Here I am.

Mum said it's not a relationship if we're not having sex,

and I refuse to be Wendy.

Mum says she only shaves one leg so when she sleeps on her side

she can pretend a man is spooning her.

I have to fuck Graham.

But where are you going to do it?

Your honeymoon room.

On my wedding day?

Someone should have sex in there, Josie.

Why are you so desperate to leave, anyway?

Because I've got a girlfriend - Charlie.

She's got an art show at two and I promised I'd be there.

She's definitely the one this time.

If you want to go, then just go,

but I personally don't think you have it in you.

I'm different now - stronger and braver.

I'm not going to let everyone push me around this time.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to run away.

Wow, isn't that a handsome young man?

WENDY CHUCKLES

Last day of freedom, eh? Oof!

I don't envy you on that one. I love it.

Oh, no booze for me, thanks. I'm off it.

Never felt better. Much clearer head now to enjoy my own company.

Are we starting soon? I've got a smear test at 12.

SEB CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

How's it all going in there?

Bet Josie's sick of all this princess treatment by now.

Absolutely not. The opposite.

Josie seems very excited about being a kept woman.

Obsessed, even.

WENDY CHUCKLES SOFTLY

It's all they're talking about in there.

Not for me, thanks.

Well...d-don't you worry.

You can take my word as a solemn promise -

Josie is going to be the most kept woman in England.

I'm a working man.

PHONE BUZZES

Sorry. I've got to take this.

My boss.

SEB CHUCKLES

Hello?

Now, uh, Deb, when I give Josie away,

which way should I walk?

Uh...probably straight down, yeah?

Right. Yes.

Sorry. Straight down. Obviously.

Will you help me practise?

I'd love to.

THEY CHUCKLE

Looks a bit like you and I are getting married, doesn't it?

THEY CHUCKLE

Imagine.

Weddings can cause such big feelings, can't they?

So romantic.

Does it make you think about anything?

Like the future?

Hmm. Yeah.

It makes me think maybe

I couldn't get married.

Wouldn't want to.

It's all too raw for me and Lisa.

I don't know if I could do that to myself,

but...you've always been so understanding of that, Deb,

because you're so sensitive.

DEV MOANS SOFTLY

DEV CONTINUES MOANING

Fired?

No. It was my stag do.

The groom is supposed to be a massive laugh.

You can't do this. I'm your best croupier.

It's my wedding day!

What? Effective immediately?

Oh, God.

ENGINE STARTS

Um, Josie, I don't know what you think you just heard,

but it's not what you think.

Josie! No! No!

It's locked, Seb.

We're not supposed to see each other!

Gah!

THUD

SEB GRUNTS

What are you doing? Seb, please.

- Seb, I can't see. - It's bad luck on our wedding day.

SEB GRUNTS

Ah, my vows, my vows! My vows.

Oh. Please don't run away.

SEB PANTS

E-Everything is fine.

In fact, I've just been promoted, effective immediately.

You will be a kept woman, I promise.

I don't want to be a kept woman!

Oh, you don't need to put on an act for me. I know my wife.

Oh, I'm so sad I can't see my own face right now.

That's funny.

I thought seeing each other on our wedding day would be bad luck.

SEB CHUCKLES

Right.

Let's get married.

Get off!

SEB BELLOWS

DOOR OPENS

Change your mind?

I totalled it. Hector's dead.

Should we even bother with the wedding

or just go straight to your funeral?

I think I lost a tooth.

The dentist did say you had too many.

I'm supposed to be admiring Charlie's pottery in two hours.

You know, the more you resist your fate, the longer it will take.

What do you mean?

Well, it's 12 now - you could be out the door by one

if you stop being such a fucking bridezilla.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's just two words, isn't it?

Totally. You'll be scissoring next to ceramics by two.

"I do." How long did that take me?

Tight vows, dry kiss, Bob's your uncle, Seb's your husband.

- Over and done with, married forever. - Till death do you part.

- Ooh. - Yeah. Best not to think about that bit.

Right. Where the fuck's Graham?

Why haven't you had sex with him?

Don't know.

He's a gentleman.

He's really mature for his age, a grown-up man.

BILLIE GASPS

There he is!

My man.

Primed and ready to be carved.

Fucking hell, Billie, how old is he?

Not sure.

So hard to tell with older men, isn't it?

I think he's probably like...70,

but he could be a 50-year-old that's really tired.

Oh, my God. Do you even fancy him?

I fancy how lucky he must feel.

I fancy how I must look through his bifocals.

He can't believe his luck.

I'm fresh pussy, hot from the oven.

This is disgusting.

Love is love, Josie.

He's honestly so grateful to be with me,

it's like he's a competition winner and the prize is me.

Right, wish me luck. I'm off to pop this old man's cherry.

Ugh.

You didn't hide your number?

I didn't think I had to. I used a silly voice.

All right, now, Josie loves you for you.

She doesn't care that you've lost your job.

She tried to run away.

She's nervous, like you.

Remember, for richer or poorer.

What's that now? What's happened to your face?

Oh, Deb, just in time.

A slight case of wedding nerves here.

Oh, darling, there's absolutely no reason to be nervous.

You've got your job, you've got your life together -

you're providing, and that is enough.

But also, Seb, remember,

for richer or poorer.

Yeah, I did try and get that bit taken out,

but apparently it's pretty standard.

I need to take my socks off,

right fucking now.

Shall I lock the door or just...leave it open?

What the hell -

maybe that's part of it.

GRAHAM CHUCKLES

No, I better lock it.

- LOCK CLICKS - You must be so turned on by this.

BILLIE LAUGHS BREATHILY

Oh, you like that?

You like my little young tit?

- Oh, God, you're obsessed with me. - GRAHAM EXHALES

Whoa, Nelly! What are you doing there?

I thought we could take things to the next level.

You and me - sex.

I know my youthful body must be really intimidating

and there's a lot of pressure

on getting everything you've ever wanted,

but it's time to step up.

- I don't know. - Take your pants off.

- I'd rather not. - Take them off.

- No. - It's OK if you're a virgin.

I'm not a virgin.

So there's someone else?

Yes. I-I'm married.

- Like, seriously? - Seriously. I did tell you.

I thought you were just saying that, like me saying I'm 15.

Sorry.

So, is she at least ugly?

And old? And stupid?

She's a neurosurgeon.

Fuck. An ugly, old neurosurgeon.

And that's why you won't fuck me?

I-I'll be honest.

I'm not the kind of man that has an affair.

This isn't me. It's just...

..I'm underappreciated, stuck at home doing the chores,

and all so that she can focus on her career.

She has no idea how exhausting that is for me.

I can't believe it.

You're married.

I'm not your sloppy seconds -

I'm the whole fucking buffet!

I-It's locked.

Phew!

Glad this isn't me. Oh, yes, sir.

WENDY CHUCKLES

I've never been happier since becoming self-partnered.

Well, I still want to get married.

I don't know how you haven't been put off,

given what happened with the last one.

Dev's different. He's not going to leave me.

I'm going to marry him.

Oh, he's asked you, has he?

Not yet, but it's coming.

Just this morning, he was saying how much he wanted to.

Yeah, well, that's what they all say.

You need to stop relying on men.

They only let you down.

Dev is a wonderful, brave, reliable man.

And he's going to step up. You'll see.

Deb, I've lost Seb.

- You've what? - Yeah, I've lost him.

No, you haven't.

Well, I-I think he just got a bit nervous.

And, well, one minute we were having the stag do of our lives

and then, the next thing I know, he's gone.

You haven't lost him. You're going to go and find him,

and you're not going to come back until you've got him.

Absolutely, got you.

I haven't lost him.

- You look radiant. - Really?

I've lost a tooth.

Well, you've got plenty more.

OK, well, let's get this show on the road!

I'm going to break this to you gently, as only a mother can.

We've lost Seb. He's legged it.

I suspect the reality of spending forever with you

has hit him like a sledgehammer.

Oh, no. What a shame.

Guess the wedding's off. See ya.

No, listen. You need to marry him.

Why? Why is it so important that I get married?

Don't I deserve to get married for love?

Don't make me laugh, Josie.

If I wanted an ab workout,

I'd have asked for another free trial session at David Lloyd.

We need to prove we're women men marry into.

We need Dev's massive house, OK?

So it's all about the money, is it?

Yes. I've spent the last of our savings.

On what?

Hector, my pride and joy outside.

This family needs a car.

You try coming home with the weekly shop dangling

from the handlebars of Billie's scooter.

Honestly, things are pretty dire, Josie.

Hector is the one thing holding my life together at the moment.

He's our saving grace, a miracle.

- Well, we'd better go find Seb, then. - Good girl.

What are you up to out here, then, mate?

You want to come back inside?

I've got cold feet!

Well, put your socks back on!

I'm so ashamed.

She's a princess who deserves a prince.

I'm just a pathetic worm who can't even provide for her.

You'll get another job.

Those women in there need us!

They are delicate angels

and we cannot break their fragile little hearts!

Seb, get back inside, now!

You're getting married in ten fucking minutes!

Look at that face!

Open your eyes! Are you going to keep her waiting?!

She's your soulmate!

Josie, my angel...

..I've been lying to you!

I haven't been promoted, effective immediately -

I was fired in disgrace.

And I know how much you want to be a kept woman!

I don't want to be a kept woman!

Yes, she bloody does!

Trust me, I don't! Just get back inside, Seb!

Do you promise to love me in sickness and in health?

- Save it for the altar! - For richer or for poorer?!

Richer, please.

Say you love me.

I love you.

And I'm the best sex you've ever had.

You're the best sex I've ever had.

I knew you'd understand, baby.

We don't need money when we've got each other.

We don't need anything!

Or I could get you an interview at my work.

I think they're hiring.

Yep. OK, well, I'll do that!

My princess shall have her prince!

Sorry, everyone!

- Here I am. DEB: - Aw.

SEB CHUCKLES

Just got a bit scared.

Gosh, weddings are quite stressful, aren't they?

- That's another industry secret they don't tell you about. JOSIE: - Mm-hm.

Seb, darling, it IS scary.

But we can't let scary things stop us from doing what's right.

Getting married is the bravest thing you can do.

Deb, you are so poetic...

Right, shut the fuck up, everyone!

Wedding's back on in five minutes.

Right, I'd better get in position.

Josie, I'd just like to say I've never felt so excited

to give someone away.

Uh, Deb, would you give me away?

Oh, darling, boys don't get given away.

Oh. That is...it's very sexist.

I'll do it.

Deb, you know your daughter better than anyone,

it should be you that gives her away.

It's all I've ever wanted to do since she was born.

It's over.

He's married.

I'm not ready to be single.

Well, I love being single.

Honestly, being cheated on was the best thing

that ever happened to me.

It's made me realise my true path.

I'm actually really grateful to him, and her, for doing it.

If I saw her, I'd say, "Thank you.

"Thank you for giving me my life back."

- Really? - Absolutely.

I'm doing so much more stuff now.

I've got my routine.

I'm listening to podcasts all the time,

I'm cooking more, I go to the gym every day.

I've actually packed so much in

I barely notice I'm by myself.

I am so happy.

Wow. Thank you.

- You're so inspiring. - Oh, really?

Yep.

WENDY CHUCKLES

I'm going to go get my man before it's too late.

You know, it's weird.

Josie usually does all those things when she's really, really depressed.

Yes, I'm sorry.

I'll be home soon.

So sorry.

Took all day to get the good fabric softener.

Had to go to big Tesco.

GRAHAM CHUCKLES

Please don't be angry.

Graham, wait. Don't go.

I've decided. You're a neglected old house husband

and it's time to get yours.

Are you a man or are you a frigid little loser

with a little limp dick?

I-I'm a man.

Exactly. You owe this to yourself.

Take back what you deserve.

You've been castrated by an ugly old neurosurgeon,

but not any more. We're doing this.

We're having a fucking affair.

Yes. Yes, you're right.

- Ask me, then. - Ask you what?

Get down on one knee and ask me to be the other woman.

Billie, will you...?

Will you be my mistress?

Honestly, your wife is going to be so grateful for this.

Deb, I've been thinking about what you said.

Marriage IS scary.

We both lost someone, but then we both found someone,

and that should be celebrated.

So...I think marriage IS something I might be open to - at some point.

What, like right now?

- Well... - Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

DEB GIGGLES

OK, then!

DEB MOANS

You're right. The bravest thing you can do

is marry into this family.

You're so romantic.

I think Lisa's looking down on us and smiling right now.

Do you think Spencer's smiling up there, too?

He's fucking thrilled.

I said yes, by the way.

I said yes to being a mistress.

I'm so proud of you.

We've nailed this. We're on time. You're going to get married

and then go to your secret girlfriend's art show.

And you're going to be the sexy other woman to an elderly man.

BILLIE EXHALES

What's hotter than being

his woman? Being the other woman.

It's great cos you're not the one getting cheated on.

There's nothing wrong with having an affair, right?

I honestly think it might be the most feminist thing you can do.

You know, 50% of marriages end in divorce.

I like those odds.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

What, Josie?

No. Deb.

It all fades, you know.

Love dies.

Marriages don't last.

That's not true.

All this time, I thought I was happy,

but I just realised...

..I got that wrong and I'm miserable.

All the men in this family leave us.

Bet you'll do a runner, too, just like her father.

Well, that doesn't feel very fair.

Spencer passed away.

What?

No, he's not dead.

WENDY SCOFFS

They just wish he was.

Took one look at a future with them and ran for the hills.

And he was right to.

This family are unlovable.

Terminal spinsters, the lot of us.

Unless you'd like to go for a drink sometime.

No?

Right. Well...

..I suppose that proves my point.

Great turnout.

SEB CHUCKLES

We're so lucky.

It's your turn next, I promise.

And thanks for the job.

I almost feel sorry for the casino.

They've just lost the best croupier in Crawley.

Hmm.

Oh, these are in the wrong order.

Good thing I know how to shuffle.

SEB GRUNTS

SEB MUTTERS

- It's a bit big. - Yeah, well, that's not my fault.

You were a big baby.

DEB EXHALES

I am so proud of you.

I have never been so happy.

- Really? - Yep.

Excellent. In which case, Hector's dead.

Floored him into a lamppost. Absolutely fucked.

Complete write-off. Rest in peace. BRIDAL CHORUS STARTS

Let's go have the happiest day of our lives, shall we?