Original subtitles

Will, what are you doing here?

Just waiting for lunch.

Lunch? Now stop that, dear.

I thought you were with Dr. Smith.

Mom, I can't sleep in the daytime like he does.

Anyway, you know Dr. Smith.

Hey, what are we having for lunch, huh?

What was that?

I don't know. There's nothing in the sky.

Maybe it was an asteroid or a spaceship.

Where is Dr.

Smith? I'll take you to him.

Will you please stop playing with the lights, whoever you are?

Dr. Smith.

Yes, madam?

Two hours ago, I told you that Don and the girls were going out collecting

and mineral specimens. Isn't that right?

Yes. I do think to recall some mention of that.

And I also asked if you would please send the robot out to help them carry

anything that was too heavy.

Yes. Yes, of course. Then what is he doing there?

I have received no orders.

Tattletail. Come on, Dr. Smith. I'll help you find them. You'd better hurry.

Just you wait.

Hi. Did you find any plants?

Not a one.

I don't think Penny's finding any either.

We split up so we could cover as much area as possible.

It's much too close for an eclipse.

I think we'd better get back to the spaceship. But what about Penny?

We'll find her on the way back. We don't have to wait for the robot.

It's a daffodil, just like on Earth.

It isn't real. It's made of paper.

Judy?

Thank you.

I trapped you for my zoo.

I thought she'd be around here somewhere.

Let's go, Penny.

Penny? Penny?

Penny? Penny?

Judy, help!

Silence. Your name is Penny.

Well then, Penny, close your eyes.

No, I won't.

I'm not going to hurt you.

Not until you tell me who you are and what you mean by zoo.

Well, not this silly little net that you're in. At the moment, you're outside

zoo. But just wait. Wait until you see your quarters inside.

Now, hurry up. Close your eyes. Oh, please, sir. I'd much rather be outside

room. Would you want me to destroy your friends who are calling you?

No, please don't hurt them. Well, then, do as I say.

Yes, sir.

That's it.

Tight now.

I promise this won't hurt a bit.

You're going to love the quarters that I've arranged for you. Now.

Are you ready?

I got her!

I got her!

There.

Isn't that better?

No. Oh, I'm sorry.

You see, I'm really quite harmless.

I only use this silly thing when I trap Homo sapiens.

Most human beings, I find, are afraid of loud noises and bad faces.

You mean you've trapped other people from Earth?

Well, I used to exhibit Martians, but no one seems to believe in them much

anymore.

But yes, of course I've trapped other people from Earth.

I'll show you. I'll prove it to you.

Come with me.

Wait till you see this.

Now, you just stand right here. Now, turn around.

That's it.

Now, that way.

Are you ready?

He's an old -fashioned knight in arms.

Yes, of course, my dear. I snatched him out of your Middle Ages.

His name is Mort.

Now, wait until you see this dear sweet thing.

Oh, I think I've seen him before someplace.

Excuse me, ma 'am. Not now, my dear. Later.

I'm afraid Mrs. Whistler is rather hard of hearing.

But you do see how happy she looks, hmm?

But if that knight's from the Middle Ages, then she's from the 19th century.

Yes, I know.

Time and space mean absolutely nothing to me.

Why, I've collected specimens from all ages of human development.

You see, I am the great Farnam Bee, showman of the cosmos, sole proprietor

of the one and only traveling zoo in all the heavens.

I'm sorry, Mr. Farnham, but I'm not very pleased to meet you.

Oh.

Oh, well, just you wait until you see your room.

Come along, my dear.

This way.

Now, here we are.

Your room.

My room? It doesn't look like much.

Wait. Just you wait.

You'll be safe here.

No more struggling for survival.

Why, here you can have anything you want forever.

You see, you'll be exhibited in your natural habitat.

Ta -da!

Earth Girl, 20th century.

This was way back in grandmother's time.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

A few minor adjustments may be necessary.

Um, Mr. Farnham?

What? How did you do all this?

Oh, well, this is nothing.

Wait till you taste the food in my zoo. Mmm, yummy.

And you can have anything you like. Anything you can think of.

And there are no germs here.

And air, so pure.

You'll live for hundreds of... Go on, Mr. Farnham.

Years.

There's only one thing, my dear.

You must never, ever try to deceive me.

Like you, you ungrateful little rat. You'll sing.

Give me that.

Can't even feel properly without making a mess of it.

What have you been doing with my control box?

Get out of here. Get back to your cage.

You hear me? Get back to your cage, or I'll ship you home. Home to your filthy

jungle. No, please don't hurt him.

Oh, don't worry, my dear.

I would never hurt him.

But don't you tell him that.

Blasted prehistoric nuisance.

Do you know that he's my most valuable exhibit?

You mean he's from Earth 2?

Of course.

The only Stone Age cave boy in captivity.

The one and only authentic... Oh, well, no wonder. One of my

traps is buzzing. Look at that.

What?

I've caught another one.

Oh, galloping galaxies.

It is my lucky day.

Look here, mister.

As soon as I say, get back!

What in the name of...

Be careful, my boy.

He'll tear you asunder.

Better call him off, mister.

That medieval armor is no match against the...

Struggling, you silly fool, it won't do you any good.

Mort here is one of my finest exhibits.

The original Sir Mordred, who killed your King Arthur.

Mort, bring them along.

Put them in this empty cell next to Penny's.

Hurry, Mort, we've got to get going.

Dear, I hope I'm not going to have trouble with that one.

But you'll help me, won't you, my dear, to keep him calm?

The trouble with a homo sapiens male, I understand, is that they all used to be

boys.

What's wrong with boys?

Weren't you one once?

Well, of course not.

Where I come from, we've done away with that growing up nonsense.

But if it's true that you've caught all kinds of humans, then you must have had

lots of experience. Are you calling me a fraud, Penny?

I'll have you know that I have caught hundreds, literally thousands of human

beings, and the only one I have any trouble with is Argo.

And you know why?

Because he's a boy.

So there.

I don't see anybody, Dr. Smith. Are you sure you set his direction finders

right? Of course I did. He's simply not cooperating today, and that is what it

is.

Now then, you tin -plated tin -tinabulation, where is the Major?

And Judy, and Penny, answer me at once, do you hear?

Dr.

Smith, I think he's trying to make alarm signals.

Alarm signals, my foot. I see nothing to be alarmed about. Actually, this is one

of the most pleasant areas I have ever been in.

Oh, yes, it's perfectly charged.

But, Dr.

Smith... When you stop cackling, you can't tinker a squad.

William, look.

Oh, lovely.

What a lovely devil you are for your mother.

indeed. How dare you, sir?

No, no, no, no, no. The other thing.

Our robot.

Mort!

Do your duty.

No, no.

Wait just a moment, sir.

I have a splendid suggestion to make.

You have?

Yes, I do.

Let them, that is to say, this one and that one, let them joust.

Let them what?

Joust, you know, as when knighthood was in flower.

Well, I... It's really quite simple, sir. I shall explain it to you.

If your knight wins by then, you have us at your mercy.

Howsomever, if our robot emerges victorious, you will grant us our

What do you say, my dear sir?

Is it agreed?

Well, why not?

It's a bargain.

Mort, please, try not to damage him too much. You'll make such a lovely exhibit.

Take him, my dear friend.

Take him, my bosom companion. Take him.

Hit him.

Slug him.

creatures, now do you believe that I, Farnam Bee, am the greatest showman of

cosmos?

Perhaps one or two of my exhibits are a bit humbug.

Well, that's show business, isn't it?

Mort here is the greatest robot ever created.

in my zoo forever.

Oh, and I'll try very, very hard to make you happy or break every bone in your

bodies.

Oh,

Will, what are we going to do?

I don't know.

I'm sure I'd just love to spend forever in a girl's room.

That's not important.

The trouble is, Mr. Farnham's so smart. It's obvious he can travel anyplace.

Through time, space, anything.

Then why didn't he bring back a real knight from the Middle Ages?

Who cares?

Oh, Will, don't you realize the spot we're in? Do you want to be an animal?

But give me my laser gun. Give me the radio!

Major, I don't understand why you're carrying on like this. I give you almost

everything, and as soon as I get organized, I promise you'll all even

own private cages.

And on top of that, there's no danger here, no disease. All right!

Then I'll quit throwing things.

Oh, good.

I'm just trying to make you listen to me, that's all.

Do you understand?

I'm trying to make you listen.

So if you...

If you'll just step inside here, maybe we can... Major, major, major.

You have an inferior intelligence.

Don't you know it's impossible to trick me?

Oh, besides, time to get this show on the road.

Show on the road?

Oh, yes, of course. Now that I have you 20th century specimens, my exhibit's

complete. Oh, I'll pack them in. At last, I'll clean up.

Wait. Where are we going?

Oh, first a little road trip, cover several galaxies.

Just as soon as I make certain that Dr. Smith is properly settled, we'll be

blasting off.

Get him in here.

Excuse me, Mr. Farnham, please. Yes, yes, my dear. What is it? I'm in a

hurry. Well, I just thought of something else I'd like. What?

Could I please have a strawberry?

Strawberry?

Now? Well, you said I could have anything I wanted.

I did?

Oh, yes, so I did.

Well, I think I have time to manage a little thing like a strawberry.

I thought you were going to ask for something much more difficult.

Something like an artichoke.

Close your eyes.

Open your mouth.

Now, there's a real live strawberry.

There. How's that?

It's delicious.

Oh, good. Here, have another.

It's yellow.

Oh, yes, of course.

Isn't it lovely?

It's supposed to be red.

Oh.

Oh, well, never mind.

Hmm.

A few minor adjustments.

You will be happy, Heather.

Just you wait.

Top.

What did you do?

It's an old trick.

There's a woman over there. She looked awfully nice and she's pretty old. So I

guess she's been here a long time.

Maybe she can tell us how to get out. Yeah, come on.

Dr. Farnham says she's a little deaf.

Excuse us, ma 'am.

Please, Mrs. Whistler.

She's a fake.

Maybe everything here is a fake.

Everything except us.

No, not Ago.

Ago? The cave boy.

He was even outside when I got caught.

So he must know the secret.

Ago can show us how to get out.

Come on.

Let's see if Mort had supplied you with everything that you asked for.

Oh, please, I'm in a hurry. What is the matter with you?

Didn't he arrange your natural habitat properly?

Yes, indeed, my natural habitat.

This is what I'm accustomed to. This is what I deserve.

Champagne, fresh caviar.

Howsomever, my dear Mr. Farnham, there is one rather important thing that I

remember that seems to be missing.

How very nice.

Well, just don't throw it at me like that ungrateful major.

A little pocket money.

My dear Mr. Farnham, at last I found an environment suitable to my station in

life. And you have done it, Excellency. You are my saviour, my leader.

May I congratulate you for rescuing me for posterity, for the ages.

You mean you really like my little zoo?

Ask rather, do I like the fountains of youth?

Do I like basking on the shores of heaven?

Do you?

Yes. Yes. Yes, I do.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, Mr. Farnham. I am forgetting my manners.

Now then, sir, may I offer you something called shrimp, pheasant under glass, or

rare roast beef?

Don't you understand?

Home.

Wouldn't you like to go back where you came from? Back to your jungle?

I guess that prehistoric jungle of his wasn't so hot.

I think he's been living with Mr. Farnham ever since he was a little boy.

Evidently, he doesn't care much for Mr. Farnham either.

Uncle, please.

We just want you to show us how to get out, because you don't want us here

either, do you?

I mean, you tried to shoo me away from the daffodil, remember?

Weren't you trying to save me from being caught?

I think he's changing his mind about you.

You could come with us if you like.

Maybe he's afraid there are too many of us.

Could you get one of us out? Just one?

I guess it's easier to get you out because you're smaller.

And you could bring help and get the rest of us out.

You better get back to your cage, Penny.

Don't worry. Come on, Uncle, let's go.

May I? May you walk.

By all means. Thank you.

Mr. Farnham, there is one little thing I hesitate to mention. Yes?

My wristwatch.

Your wristwatch?

After I received your charming little gifts, I noticed that my wristwatch was

missing.

Oh.

Tell me, when Mort was in here arranging things, did Argo come in too?

The little hairy creature?

Yes, yes, he did, for a moment.

Oh, good for him.

He stole it and you didn't even notice.

Oh, I've taught him well.

That clever little scoundrel, I'm very pleased with him.

For shame, Mr. Farnham.

Did you teach the boy to steal?

To steal?

To lie, to cheat, never to trust anyone?

I mean, after all, how else can man survive in show business?

Do you know, if it hadn't been for Argo...

There are some planets that I would have been ridden off on a rail, wearing tar

and feathers.

Zack. Zack, indeed.

Smitty?

Do you know that I have never caught a real human being in my whole life?

Pity.

Except Argo, that is.

But if you knew what a nuisance it's been trying to keep him primitive like

that. Do you know that I'm even afraid to speak in front of him for fear that

he'll start talking and ruin the only good exhibit that I've got?

This zoo.

Everything. A fraud.

No, sir.

Delusion.

Oh, my inventions are real.

And so is my zoo now, now that I've got real live people down there. Oh, Smitty,

I tell you, we'll simply clean up, standing room only, now that you're here

help me control them, to help me with the work.

Just one moment, sir.

Did I understand you to say that there was work to be done?

Well, sometimes it becomes a bit much to handle.

Collecting the admissions, that is.

Do you know that there are some planets where they pay admission in diamonds

have to be weighed?

And emeralds so heavy that even Mort can't lift them.

Diamonds and emeralds.

How very nice.

Mr. Farnham, a toast.

To your new assistant.

Oh, dear.

What about that?

No, not that.

Don't go wrong.

Ah, there we are.

What is that?

Escape!

Is that it? Is that where we get out?

That goes

to where you live? Back to your jungle?

I'll go. Show me mine. How do I get back to the spaceship?

Oh, you young devil.

Keep away from those dolls.

Hurry.

Give me that boy.

You little brat.

I think something's wrong, sir.

Oh, good heavens.

I think maybe we fell through the wrong door.

Oh, you think maybe we fell through the wrong door?

Well, just you wait, young man, just you wait. In five seconds, I'm going to

teach you to... Oh, my ankle!

Does your ankle hurt, sir?

No.

I've never seen caves like this near the Jupiter.

Not even on our whole planet, maybe.

Oh. How observant you are.

How wise.

Now, what I mean is, where are we?

How should I know where we are?

This should teach you a good lesson, huh?

I suppose now you'll be ready to go back to my zoo, boy.

Well, I'll just press this button, and in five seconds... Will that take us

back?

Well, is something wrong with it?

No, no, no. Wrong control box, that's all.

Where is it?

Where are my other control boxes?

I don't know.

Well, how are we going to escape?

Escape?

Escape, that's it.

I took the control boxes out when the escape alarm rang.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes, I left them there.

I left them in Dr. Smith's room.

Have you seen Mr. Farnham? I can't seem to find him anywhere.

Down there.

Where?

He's gone away?

Argo, did you do something to him?

Did you get rid of him?

You stupid little creature!

Now what shall I do?

Now I shall never be saved!

When I think of all those diamonds and emeralds... What? What?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, I know. These are Farnham's controls.

But I don't know how to operate them.

Argo.

Do you know how these control boxes work?

How the whole spaceship works?

You do?

How very interesting.

Perhaps we shall not need Mr. Farnham after all.

That wicked man.

I'm sure he mistreated you and was very cruel to you.

You poor dear boy.

Never even gave you proper clothes, did he?

Argo, wouldn't it be lovely to have a nice, new, shiny coat?

Like a real circus boy.

Would you like that?

Perhaps I can arrange it.

Perhaps, Argo, we can help each other. We can be friends.

And I would not be cruel to you. Oh, no.

I would treat you very kindly.

And the others, too.

You see, they don't know what's best for them, but I do.

I know how to make everyone happy.

What do you say, Argo?

Shall we cooperate?

How did you get out there?

Hurry, open this door.

Argo!

What are you doing in that coat?

Never mind the coat. There's work to be done.

What happened to Will?

Argo, did Will get out?

Smith, open the door.

Not yet, Major.

Not until I have tested one more thing.

Argo, come here.

Show me the proper button.

Test what thing? What button? Dr. Smith, what are you talking about?

The added test. Oh, please let it work.

Mort!

Mort!

How then, sir?

Right face?

Right face!

About face!

About face!

Let us out of here.

Sire!

Have you forgotten those sacred words?

The show must go on.

The what?

Unfortunately, Mr. Farnham has met with a slight accident.

I am in charge here now.

And let me remind you, this zoo is already booked for a road tour.

There are eager customers waiting on distant planets with money in their hot

little hands.

Smith, you open this door.

You'll get out when I say so, Major. When I have collected that money.

For the nonce, I am the greatest showman in the cosmos.

Halt! I shall need your help to put my mechanical misfit back together again.

We are hitting the road.

Halt! Get back here!

Hurry up, sir.

We'd better at least find out where we are.

Easy, easy.

Maybe we fell through Argo's door.

Oh, that's not so bad.

Thank you, boy.

You're welcome, sir.

I guess now you can see that boys can be of some use.

Well, I know that.

That conniving Argo is the most useful thing I've ever caught.

Blasted brat.

He's ten times smarter than you are.

Why haven't you ever told him that?

Never you mind.

Mr. Farnham.

Why did you start your old zoo in the first place?

Why?

Well, uh, because it's in my blood, that's why.

I'll have you know that my mommy was the greatest monster tamer of all the outer

heavens.

Oh.

You know, but why does that make you want to catch everything?

Oh, well, uh...

Boys catch things, don't they? Yes, they do. I've seen them. They catch all

sorts of crawly things like snakes and spiders and lizards.

But we just do that to learn how they feel.

And once we do, well, we let them go.

You let them... Oh, you have an inferior intelligence, boy.

Yes, sir.

But maybe you feel that way because you never were a boy.

You never had the chance to grow up.

Now, that'll be enough out of you.

Oh, let me go, boy.

I am the great Farnam Bee.

I don't... I don't need anyone's help. Not yours, not anybody's.

Oh, good heavens.

What is it? What's the matter?

This is where Argo came from.

It can't be. I've seen pictures of prehistoric Earth.

No, no, no, no, not Earth.

Argo's humbug, haven't you guessed that by now?

I merely found him on this horrible planet and dressed him up to look like a

cave boy, that's all.

You what?

Then I taught him to lie, to cheat, to steal, to never trust

anybody.

Oh,

how he must be laughing now.

What?

He's learned his lessons as well as I think he has.

Oh, well, then he'll never... What kind of a planet is this?

I believe the life expectancy here is 45 minutes.

This way, this way. Come and see the primitive Earth people.

See...

It is natural habitat. See the renegade robot of Mars.

See the greatest show from Earth.

Give it here.

Later, boy, later. You will have your chance later.

Have a look.

Jewels. We're on a planet where they pay in jewels.

Let me see.

Emeralds, rubies, chaffers. Grab them, Penny, and wrap them around his neck.

Silence!

For shame, Major.

Don't you appreciate what I'm doing for you?

I'm going to slaughter you, Smith. I swear, when I get out of here, I'm going

to... Really, Major, it's very bad form for the aliens to see you behaving in

this way.

The curtain's going up.

Take your places.

Curtain?

Argo, give it here.

I'll handle it.

Romanship into it.

Penny, don't just stand there. Move about. I've worked very hard on this

production. I'm scared.

Nonsense, my dear.

Remember how the polar bears bask in their pool of water? How the little

raccoons show off in their cages?

I promise you shall have ice cream at feeding time.

Ice cream?

Well, what are you grinning at? Look at you in that silly coat.

Is that all you wanted? Are you happy now?

User, into your renegade robot of Mars outfit.

Quickly.

Peanut popcorn.

It's peanut popcorn.

Robot, I can understand about Dr. Smith and that silly boy, but how could you

let this happen?

Because the show... Must go on. Dr. Smith implanted that on all my memory

This has nothing to do with the show.

You can't erase your tapes and start acting like you should.

Self -erasure of tapes is against a robot's prime directive.

Is that all you can say?

There is no business like show business, at least according to Dr. Smith.

Now, you stop that.

At least try to erase all that from your tapes and help us. Very well.

It shall be done.

Now smash it!

See those silly humans?

This way, this way.

Oh, there were those jewels. Put them all in my room, remember?

See the terrifying, raging Major.

See the pretty little girl.

No, no.

Later. Later, Argo. You'll get your chance later.

Hurry, hurry. Stop it, you hear? Stop it.

The show's over, Smith.

Ring down the curtain, Dr. Smith.

I just wanted to help, Major.

I meant no harm.

I was just trying to make a bit of money for all of us, for the children's

future. I told you to be quiet.

Oh, darling.

I found another one in Mr. Farnham's control boxes.

Where's Will?

I don't know where Will is.

I'll go. You know where Will is, don't you?

It's with Mr. Farnham, isn't he?

And you know how to get them back.

I'll handle this. No, wait a minute, Don.

Don't you care about anything but that silly shiny coat?

Have you really been having so much fun since Mr. Farnham disappeared?

You wait a minute.

We all love Will.

What if something awful happened to him? Do you want that?

Do you want something awful to happen to Mr. Farnham?

Do you?

Really?

Mr. Farnham would never do anything to really hurt you. I know he wouldn't. He

told me so.

Uncle, please.

Maybe he is awful.

He did raise you, didn't he?

Even if he can't understand about boys, doesn't mean you can't... can't

try to understand about men.

About fathers.

Maybe he's too big to get in here.

What are we going to do?

There's a place to run.

Maybe he'll go away.

No, he won't.

I can't stay in a place like this, closed in, suffocating.

We're going to be trapped.

I have claustrophobia.

Don't you have any sympathy?

Well, sure I have. But there's nothing I can do about it.

Wait.

The air's better down here, towards the ground.

No, it's not.

He's going to catch us.

We're trapped like rats.

Now you know how it feels, Mr. Farnham.

Horrid, stupid things I taught you.

You still came.

Well, come on, son.

Get on with it. Speak your piece.

Goodbye, Penny.

How about that, huh? Give a boy an inch and he'll take a mile.

Next thing you know, he'll be talking my head off.

Well, we've got to find a new way to make a living.

Oh, that's showbiz.

Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Come along, son. Goodbye, Mr. Farnham.

Mom, do you suppose I'll ever meet a nice boy from my own neighborhood?

Oh, goodness, I hope so, dear.

what that lying farmer had to say when he threw me overboard.

He said I was a fraud.

He said he was not alive.