Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[birds chirping]

[soft music]

[Jeremy] Now that we were heading into high summer,

it was time for one of the most enjoyable jobs

on the farming calendar:

putting the cows back in the fields

after their winter confinement in the shed.

[Jeremy] Right, so we get four in the trailer and off to Cow Ground.

[Kaleb] Yep.

[Kaleb groans]

[Jeremy groans]

Open that gate up.

I like working with you now.

-[Jeremy] What, you didn't used to? -[Kaleb] No.

[Jeremy chuckles]

Go on then, cows. Good cows.

-Go on. Yes. -[Kaleb] Get on.

-[Kaleb] Go on. -[Jeremy] There we go.

[Kaleb] Go on.

[Kaleb groans]

[Jeremy] Right.

[Kaleb] Are you gonna go on your own and I'll get the next four in?

[soft music]

[Jeremy] This is one of my favourite days,

releasing the cows into the fields,

because they're so happy after... What?

Five, six months being locked up in the barn?

They suddenly have the freedom, all that grass.

And it's like: "Oh, I remember."

[Jeremy] I arrived at the cow field,

remembering well the last time we did this.

[mooing]

[Jeremy] Look at them! Excited cows!

Free!

[Lisa] Hey.

-So happy! -[Jeremy laughs]

[Jeremy] "I'm free and out!"

[Jeremy] And he released the raptors.

Wait.

There. You're free. Now go.

[Jeremy] Is that it?

[cow mooing]

Come on! Where's all the running around?

You're supposed to dance around and be happy.

You ungrateful bastards.

[soft music]

[Jeremy] After that letdown, I went to inspect my Space Penises,

fully expecting some more disappointment.

Right.

I'm rather optimistically going to bring...

One crate? Two crates.

Two crates for my mushrooms.

I'll get into my Darth Vader outfit.

My rubber gloves on.

Yay! Holy Moly!

Look at those.

And those!

This is amazing.

Look at these beauties. Look at this.

This could work. This could actually work.

So what you do to pick them,

it's a twisting, strangling motion like...

That's not quite right.

God! I'm having mushrooms on toast tonight.

[Jeremy] Having boxed up the mushrooms,

I high-tailed it over to the farm shop

before it opened for business.

-[Jeremy] Lisa? -[Lisa] Yeah.

-I've got good news. -[Lisa] Yeah?

Wow! They're beautiful.

-They are, aren't they? -What are they?

-Grey oyster mushrooms. -Oh, my God.

I've made a thing for them.

-So we're selling them by the punnet. -Yeah.

How much do you reckon for a punnet?

-[Jeremy] I say £3, £3,50. -Yeah.

[Jeremy] We then went to show them to Scott,

the chef in the shop's burger van.

-Wow. -Aren't they beautiful?

-[Scott] These are all grown up at the... -[Lisa] Yes.

We're growing these. We're gonna have a regular supply of mushrooms.

We can do mushrooms on toast or something in the mornings.

-Yeah, mushrooms on toast. -[Lisa] Yeah! Amazing.

[Jeremy] Everybody wants mushrooms on toast.

We can make mushroom ketchup if you get to the end and you've got loads left.

-[Lisa] Ooh! -Nice!

-Yeah? -Mushroom soup?

Yeah. Whatever you like.

-Vegan burger. -Yeah!

-Finally we get... Oh, it's not vegan. -[Jeremy] Shit.

[chuckles]

[Lisa] What have you done?

What's wrong, love?

Oh no. What's wrong?

Are you all right?

[Lisa] Are you crying or laughing?

We've won the appeal.

-[Lisa gasps] -[woman] Shut up!

-[Lisa] No way! -Ah, nice!

[laughing]

Oh, my God!

We've won the appeal!

-Oh wow! -[Lisa] What happened? Tell me!

-Stop the lights. -I'm reading it.

[woman] Well done, guys.

-Oh, my God! -[Jeremy] Oh, God.

I've been so worried.

-It's a hell of a long document but... -Bloody hell. That's juicy.

[Jeremy] Point 41:

"I shall for the purposes of clarity and understanding,"

this is the planning inspector,

"correct the allegation to a change of use to a mixed use

comprising agriculture, café,

restaurant, farm shop, parking and lavatory facilities."

-He's given us the whole shebang? -[woman] Blimey!

-The whole lot. -[woman] Yes!

It seems we aren't... That's gone.

We aren't allowed to have a restaurant there.

-But we can have this here. -[Scott] Amazing.

And we can make that a café in there.

[all laughing]

This is very...

This is the biggest "fuck you" to the council I've ever...

[Lisa chuckles] Oh, my God! I've been so worried.

That is amazing.

But it's also common sense.

-Well, of course it's common sense! -I know.

The council didn't have any, and there's an inspector...

Do you think the council will appeal?

-I don't think the council will appeal. -And spend everyone else's money?

This inspector's taken... How long? Four months?

I don't think he's going to have made a mistake, is he?

Basically, we're safe. And it seems to be for three years.

We're good to go for three years.

-We're back in business. -[Lisa] The shop can do anything.

-[laughing] -Fuck!

[soft joyful music]

[Jeremy] Lisa decided to celebrate this victory over the council

by inviting all her thin, blonde Oxfordshire friends over

for a spot of goat yoga.

[instructor] Squeeze and retract the shoulder blades to open up the chest.

Into your Warrior 3 position.

Keep the hips square, shoulders square, core on.

And then press...

[Jeremy] I'm sure this was all very modern

but I hadn't bought the goats to be used as wellness props.

I'd bought them to lay waste to my brambles,

something they could hopefully start doing now they had a campsite.

However, we could only move them up there

if they were big enough.

[Jeremy] Right.

-Do you know what we're doing? -We've gotta weigh them.

-And then, if it's underweight... -Yeah?

That's less than 17 kilograms, we spray it red.

-Not the whole thing. -17 kilos?

-Yeah. -Wow.

And then if it's ready to go outside, it's green.

We're hoping they're all green because Lizzie's coming to take the milk machine.

They're on solids now, aren't they?

-How do we get them into the harness? -[Lisa] Here, look.

[Jeremy] You know how you get into it.

[Lisa] Right. Okay. Let's take a fatty.

-Don't! Stop eating my jeans. -[Lisa] Quick.

-Uh-uh-uh. Stop it. No. -[Jeremy laughs]

[Lisa] Ow!

[Lisa grunts] Stop it!

-[Jeremy laughs] -Okay. That is 96.

You didn't... Well, 96 what?

Pounds?

[Lisa] Kilograms.

It's not 96 kilograms. That's heavier than me.

Right. Green.

No, don't let go until we've sprayed.

No, just spray. It's all right.

No, don't let go! Bring it back or else we're gonna lose it.

[Lisa] Wait, I'm just... Oh, my God. We're gonna be here for days.

-[Jeremy] Stop it. -[goat bleating]

-No, you've gotta get it in the middle. -It's heavy enough, I can tell you.

This one's just coughed and been sick all over me.

Get off. Get off!

This one is 16 with two back legs on the floor.

-[Jeremy] Well, that's not accurate. -That is definitely over 17.

[Jeremy] In the middle of this festival of incompetence...

[Jeremy] Come on, man.

[Jeremy] Lizzie, the goat expert, arrived.

[Lisa] Hi, Lizzie.

What are you doing?

[Jeremy] Weighing them.

[Lizzie chuckles] How's that going?

-Not very well. -No! You surprise me.

-[Lisa] What did we say? 18 point...? -[Jeremy] But we haven't marked it.

-[Lisa] I have. -Oh, you have?

-[Lisa] Yes. -Is there an easier way of doing it?

Yeah. I can definitely think of one.

Like, use the scales. That would be my recommendation.

[Jeremy] How do you make a goat stand on a weigh scale?

Just, he'll stand there. It'll be fine.

[goat bleating]

[Jeremy] So in fact, that's plugged into the mains, yeah?

[Lizzie] Yeah. We're all good.

If you stand by the screen when I put him on.

It should give you a weight.

-Oh, yeah. 19.46. -There you go.

So how... Ow! That really hurt.

You're getting weighed next for being a horrible goat.

Christ Al-bloody-mighty. This is a porker.

Wow. 28.66.

-Oh! -[bleating]

-Next time, if you put your hand not... -Yes, I've got that wrong.

23.92.

So you have grown good, solid, healthy goats!

-So we're happy? -We're very happy.

[Lizzie] You've done a very good job.

All of these boys are certainly over seventeen.

-And very ready to go out. -Ready to go out.

[Jeremy] Right.

[Jeremy] Before moving the goats to their campsite,

there was something I needed to clear up with Lizzie.

What's this I heard about... Well, I was reading in my book,

that if they escape then they're...

-That would... Yeah, like... -[Jeremy] Get off.

-If you get the... -[Jeremy] Stop it.

If you get the fencing wrong, it's carnage,

because you'll never keep them in, like, ever.

Once they learn... They're so clever.

If they start escaping, that's it.

[Jeremy screams] Fuck me!

-I think it's trying to. -[Jeremy] Jesus Christ!

[Lizzie laughs]

Right.

Sorry, what were you saying about the fencing being catastrophic?

It could be catastrophic if you don't get it right.

So... Ow!

-Do you want a lunch box? -[Lizzie] Yeah!

-[Jeremy] I need a cricket... They know. -You need a cricket box. They do know.

It's because I cut their balls off. That really hurts.

-Don't do that again. -[bleating]

Do not. Don't do that again.

Get off!

-They used to be so sweet. -[Lisa] They were so small and cute.

[Jeremy] And now they're just eating things.

-But if one does keep getting out... -[Lizzie] Yeah.

Best will in the world, what damage is it going to do?

Apart from kicking people in the nuts.

So we had one really bad group years and years ago

and they went for all our sapling trees.

they went through two fields to get to the sapling trees.

[Lisa] They could go onto the road and cause an accident.

Or your chillies.

-I don't know how many they'd eat... -They wouldn't.

They would certainly go through your polytunnel.

Horns in a polytunnel wouldn't be a good mix.

So, really, we've gotta be very careful.

[Lizzie] You really, really do, yeah.

-[Lisa] Can you imagine... -Look at Joe. He's in real trouble.

-[chuckles] -[Joe screams]

-[Lisa] Here's our decoy here. -Help!

[laughing]

-[Lisa] It likes you a lot. -[Lizzie] Literally nothing's sacred.

Ow!

[Jeremy] We then showed Lizzie the field where the goats would live.

[Jeremy] If I leave this alone for much longer, it will all just be bramble.

[Lizzie] Yeah. They'll take the worst of the brambles out.

[Jeremy] And at every opportunity, she came back to the topic

of their escaping skills.

[Jeremy] And do they need things to climb on?

We don't give them stuff outside because they roll them into the electric fence

-and then use that as an escape. -No!

-[Jeremy] No! -Yes.

-[Jeremy] What? Like Stalag Luft III? -Yeah, honestly. Like that.

Well, so rewind.

If we put their sort of wooden toys they've got in their barn now

and put them in here, they'll use them as a launching pad?

Yeah. We found that with the big sort of oil barrels?

They roll them up into the fence to short it out or use them to hop over.

-[Lisa] That's so cool. -[Jeremy] No!

[Lizzie] They'll definitely be up on that pig hut

and over that fence, like, within hours if they had access to it.

-[Jeremy] Jesus. -[Lisa] Clever, right?

They're very intelligent. Do not underestimate them.

[classical music]

[Jeremy] While we were wondering if a goat

could jump a fence on a motorcycle,

Kaleb and Charlie were having a much grander day

in London.

They'd been invited to Downing Street

to talk to the Prime Minister

about his "Back British Farm to Fork" initiative.

And given the importance of the meeting, they met in a café

for a pre-match chat.

-[Charlie] So today? -[Kaleb] Yeah?

-Quite a lot of people going. -Quite big?

Jeremy told me to say... He said: "Kaleb, erm,

if you want any talking points,

just tell Ricky that he's probably not going to be Prime Minister anymore."

Rishi.

Rishi.

The president. The prime minister, sorry.

[Charlie] Yes, that'll be a great place to start.

I would definitely go: "Oi. Hello, Mr President.

-How are you, Ricky?" -"Come and see me on the weekend".

"You won't be Prime Minister for long."

So what are you gonna talk about?

-What's your focus? -[Kaleb] I'll do it on young farmers.

-Good. -Young people getting into farming.

You can't go and farm your own farm nowadays.

A, they're so expensive. And B, everything's in a scheme.

-I got a quote for a tractor yesterday. -Yeah.

After discount, it's £205,000.

I know. It's insane.

-Oh, Christ. We'd better go. -Hm?

We're gonna be late.

[police sirens]

[Charlie] Trafalgar Square.

-[Kaleb] I drove through here! -[Charlie] Yeah.

[Kaleb] I didn't put my indicator on in this junction here.

-Really? -Yeah.

[Charlie] There's Nelson, look.

-[Kaleb] Who's Nelson? -He was an admiral.

-[Kaleb] He's up quite high up. -He won a battle.

-Do you know what he's looking at? -What?

-[Charlie] You see where those flags are? -Yeah.

[Charlie] That's Admiralty Arch.

-OK? -[Kaleb] Right.

[Charlie] He's looking on the top of the arch.

There are loads of ships.

-And he's looking at that. -He led the Battle of Trafalgar.

[Kaleb] All that concrete to build a man that's looking over some...

"I Heart London." Fuck that.

Press the button.

[Charlie] You press the button.

-[Kaleb] Where are we going? -[Charlie] We're going down Whitehall.

-[Kaleb] What is that? -[Charlie chuckles]

-[Charlie] It's a... -[Kaleb] Now what?

[Charlie] It's a very... Just keep going.

So here we are. This is Whitehall, this is where it all happens.

[Kaleb] What happens?

The management of the country!

There you go. Cabinet offices.

-[Kaleb] What's that? -You know what the Cabinet is?

-[Kaleb] No. -They're the more senior ministers.

[Kaleb] And they all work in there, do they?

[Charlie] I don't know what time it is. What time is it?

9:11.

[Charlie] Oh, we're a bit early.

We'll hang around.

[Big Ben chiming in the distance]

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

Are you now just gonna try and get

-people to say "good morning"? -Yeah.

Morning.

-They'll think you're a fruitcake. -I'm just saying "morning"!

They... They don't wanna talk.

[Jeremy] Soon it was time for them to head for that famous black door.

[Kaleb] Ready? We gotta knock?

[Charlie] Yeah.

-Christ, all right. -[crew] You might need to do it again.

What, knock?

-[doorman] If you want to step in. -[Charlie] Okay.

-[doorman] Hi, guys. You all right? -[Kaleb] How're you doing?

[doorman] Just a hint.

If you knock that loud again, I'll throw you out.

[Kaleb] Say that again?

-[doorman] Don't knock so loud. -[Charlie] Sorry, we're farmers.

-[doorman] I don't care. -[Charlie] Okay.

-[doorman] I'm not. -[Charlie] Okay.

[Kaleb] That told us.

[Jeremy] While Kaleb and Charlie were being told off

by the Downing Street door police...

[Jeremy] Come on, goats. Let's get you in.

[Jeremy] Lisa and I were finally moving the goats

into their new home.

So the idea is... This is their training garden.

-[Lisa] Yep. -[Jeremy] And they live in here

until they've really eaten all the dock leaves and what have you.

-Okay. -Then you move them down.

And the idea is that their mouths get,

you know, used to...

-[Lisa] Hardened. -Yes, exactly.

-Oh! -And they get hard mouths.

But then,

you see the bramble bushes, which is what I want them to start eating.

-[Lisa] Yes. -So when they start hitting brambles,

that's going to be interesting for me. That's what I want them to eat.

[Jeremy] Before all that, though,

we had to go through the unpleasant but necessary business

of getting them used to the electric fencing.

-[Jeremy] Out you come. -[Lisa] They are coming out!

-So the white fence is gentle power. -[Lisa] Yes.

[Jeremy] And the orange fence is the national grid.

Oh, look: "I'm plotting... I've got an escape route here."

"Hey, guys. Follow me."

"I reckon we could be over in a jiffy."

-[buzz] -[goat bleating]

[Jeremy] Whoa! Was that a zap?

[Lisa] Oh no. They're eating the gate posts.

[Jeremy laughs] [Jeremy imitates bleating]

"Okay, I'm not eating the gate posts anymore!"

[buzz]

[Lisa and Jeremy gasp]

-[buzz] -[bleating]

Sorry.

-[buzz] -[bleating]

[Jeremy] Bah!

-[buzz] -[bleating]

[chuckles]

-[buzz] -[bleating]

[laughter]

It's not funny.

-No, it's really mild. And look... -It's not funny.

-[bleating] -[Lisa] I shouldn't laugh.

[Lisa laughs]

I'm not amused. I don't like to see animals in pain.

But they do have to learn.

[Jeremy] And quite quickly,

they got the message.

[Jeremy] Well, look at them all now, in the middle.

-[Lisa] Yeah. -Their escape plans are in tatters

because of my security.

Eat.

Get your mouths hardened and then you can go and eat brambles.

[softly bleating]

[Jeremy] Back at Number 10,

Charlie was taking part in a highbrow think-tank discussion.

But you went through the list of grants there?

[man] Hmm.

-And you haven't listed them all? -[man] No.

-And all the schemes? -[man] No.

You do need a PhD now in grant applications if you're a farmer.

[Jeremy] Meanwhile, out in the garden,

President Ricky was in full schmooze mode.

How are you? Rishi, very nice to see you.

So what are you guys... Is this all from the farm?

Yeah, from the farms. We've got a Fenland Flag sausage.

And then we've got our traditional butcher's sausage, our Great Bramblebee.

-Yeah? That's... -And then some bacon going as well.

Oh, my God! It's been smelling. We were having Cabinet up there.

Literally, that's the Cabinet room there.

And everyone was just distracted and smelling your stuff coming through.

It's great!

-[Kaleb chuckles] -Look at this.

[Jeremy] Then, in the actual Cabinet office...

How are you?

[Jeremy] Kaleb got to meet the Prime Minister.

Thanks for coming. Kaleb! How are you?

[Jeremy] This was his big moment

to talk about attracting youngsters into farming.

-Are you okay? -I'm very well, thanks.

-You've got lovely hair. -Er, me?

[laughing]

-Had you heard otherwise? -No, no, no.

-It was just a general comment. -I just like hair.

[Jeremy] When the conversation moved outside,

Kaleb finally did talk about young farmers.

[Kaleb] The thing is in my head...

[Jeremy] But he made a bit of a meal about getting to the point.

You know, farming's not a job. It's a way of life.

That is it. There's no other option there. It's a way of life.

You don't get up and go: "I've gotta go to work today."

I never ever wake up and go:

"I've really gotta work, I've got an 8 to 5 job.

I can't wait to finish."

Halfway through the day, you go: "Oh, I wanna go home."

I never do that. I wake up and go: "Right, what am I doing today?"

Yesterday... The day before, sorry. I was out there milking cows...

Then I went out there and started mowing for silage.

And then I was spraying. No day is the same.

-Everyone should have a dream. -That's true.

A dream is somewhere to go and to get to.

As soon as you accomplish that dream, if you do it in 2, 3 or 5 years,

you've done it, set another dream.

And the thing I say all the time is dreams don't work unless you do...

[Kaleb's voice fades out]

[Jeremy] While Kaleb was bringing the country to a grinding halt,

Lisa and I had gone up to the mushroom bunker

to see if any more had fruited.

[Jeremy] Oh shit.

-Oh, my God. -[Lisa] Have they not grown?

-[Jeremy] Oh, my God. -[Lisa] What's wrong?

[Lisa groans]

What the...?

[Jeremy] Look! How many have we got? Thousands!

[Lisa] Oh, my God. So those are those.

[Jeremy] It's incredible.

[Lisa] Oh, my God.

-[Lisa] Wow. -[Jeremy] Jesus.

[Lisa] These are ready.

[Jeremy] They're very ready.

Right.

-24 hours ago, that didn't exist. -[Lisa] I know.

[Jeremy] Where does the matter come from that's made it?

In 24 hours?

[Lisa] Look at it.

[Jeremy] You need to get selling mushrooms.

[Jeremy] What's more, the extraordinary lion's mane mushrooms

had started to appear.

-[Lisa] Oh wow! -It's like a sponge

that's mated with a cauliflower.

And that's a mushroom.

The man said that he reckons that they're space penises.

That does look like it's from space. That really does.

[soft country music]

[Jeremy] There was no way we could fit even a tenth of this lot

into the farm shop.

So I had to abandon my plans for the day

and man a hastily erected mushroom stall.

Can I interest you in the new Diddly Squat range?

Grey oyster mushrooms. These are not like you get at the supermarket.

Or lion's mane mushrooms.

-[customer] May I have some of both? -Yes, of course.

[Jeremy] That's 427 grams.

-That would be £12,81. -[customer] Okay.

Ooh!

[customer] Just out of curiosity...

Are you selling Space Penises?

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Up in Piggy Wood, it had now been 11 weeks

since Ajax the boar had done...

boar things with the sows.

[Jeremy] These are the four in question,

-hopefully pregnant. -Yeah, yeah.

[Jeremy] So a local pig expert had come round to scan them.

And the news was good.

They're all pregnant.

-They're all pregnant? -All up the duff?

So we don't have to sell them. If they hadn't have been up the duff,

they're just eating food for no reason and they'd have to be bacon.

-Gerald! -[Gerald] Hello, Jeremy.

Hello, Gerald! Hello, hello! Ooh, sorry.

[Gerald laughs]

-[Gerald] You all right? -Yeah.

Lovely piggies.

-Aren't they great? -Yeah.

You ever kept pigs?

[Gerald speaking indistinctly]

-No, this is the mothers. -Yeah.

I've heard stories about sows and boars. They can be nasty, can't they?

[Jeremy] What can?

Sows and... When they got below the right stuff with the combine

then you... When they got things coming out the side.

[Gerald speaking indistinctly] [laughs]

-[Lisa] Gerald? -Yes, my love.

When you planted all these trees, was it 60 years ago or so?

-You planted these trees? -Yeah.

-60 years ago. -No way!

[Gerald] Yeah.

This was all... [Gerald speaking indistinctly]

All the way up there.

They grazed right to the... These were all... And all that.

So these trees are younger than you?

Yeah.

-[laughing] -This is Gerald's wood.

You used to get the old shovel like that.

-Wow, Gerald. -And then,

drop the thing and then heel 'em in.

I went round with the... [speaks indistinctly]

Bend it with a pole with all the fluid in there.

As the years went on, like,

there was all those Wellingtonias, all that.

They were original wood, they were.

-[Gerald speaking indistinctly] -All right.

At least once a fortnight,

got the... [Gerald speaking indistinctly]

Stinging nettles.

Similar to that, it was.

[chuckles]

That's when bosses were bosses and you didn't say no to 'em.

-Yeah. -[laughing]

I'm really chuffed. I did not know that you'd done this.

That's brilliant.

So it shall become known... We shall rename it Gerald's Wood.

[Gerald chuckles]

[Gerald] We used to fill it up right in a little... [voice fades out]

[Jeremy] We were now well into June,

and life on the farm was a smorgasbord of busyness.

[upbeat music]

Up in a field called Downs Ground,

I took part in my first ever grass harvest.

This involved wrapping bales of grass in plastic sheeting,

which we'd feed to the cows in the winter.

[Jeremy over radio] So we're collecting silage, yes?

[Kaleb] Silage,

is grass that has been put in a bag which is wet

and it's gonna ferment with all the sugars that naturally come off the grass,

which is good for the cows with high sugar content.

[Jeremy] Kaleb was still annoyed that when my pigs had been in this field,

they'd made a bit of a mess of it.

[Jeremy over radio] Why have we got "Jeremy Keep Out"?

[Kaleb over radio] 'Cause you keep fucking up this field.

[Jeremy] But nevertheless, it looked like we were getting a good crop.

I quite like being a grass farmer.

It's quite sort of mathematical and pleasing.

You think: "I've done that right."

It's like you know when you mow your lawn and you don't have to go over

a bit you've already done?

I wonder if he mows his lawns.

All done.

[Jeremy] As soon as the grass harvest was finished...

[inspector] So we need to have a look at the fertiliser spreader.

[Jeremy] It was time for the annual Red Tractor inspection,

where we have to prove the farm is clean and well run.

[inspector] Yeah. That's fine. That's fine.

[Jeremy] And given that Kaleb was now farm manager...

[Kaleb] One, six, six, eight, zero.

[inspector] Eight, zero.

[Jeremy] Things this time round were very unstressful.

[inspector] The NSF record book. That's great.

It's all here.

[inspector] You've got your First Aid box up here, which is great.

Correct signage.

-[Kaleb] Yeah. -[inspector] Lovely.

-[Kaleb] Sand bucket there. -[inspector] That's great.

-How are you doing? -Morning.

[Kaleb] You and mushrooms!

Everywhere, he just appears with mushrooms!

[Jeremy] I just live underground now.

[Jeremy] Yep, no matter how busy Kaleb was...

The mushrooms were keeping me busier.

[upbeat music]

[music stops]

So this is the Forth Road Bridge I've created

because all day I've been selling mushrooms, constantly,

and we still have this many,

and tomorrow morning, there'll be this many again,

and the next day, and the next day.

[Jeremy] In fact, I had so many mushrooms

that besides selling them in the shop and the burger van...

I was now hawking them round local pubs,

and even rival farm shops.

[Jeremy] I had some last night.

-I cannot tell you how good they are. -[shop clerk] Yeah.

I mean, I cooked some last night. They're amazing.

Jesus. I had these last night. They're fantastic.

[Jeremy] Even though my incredibly varied sales patter

was shifting some decent quantities...

[shop clerk] Five. We'll have 5 kilos.

[Jeremy] 1.2.

[shop clerk] 6.1 kilos.

[Jeremy] I was still barely scratching the surface.

[Jeremy] For fuck's sake...

[soft music]

[Jeremy] However, there was still time amongst all the madness

to pause for the occasional treat.

[Jeremy] I've got a big surprise for you.

[Lisa sighs] Is it a proposal?

[Jeremy chuckles]

Every time you say you've got a surprise, I'm like: he's gonna propose!

-[Jeremy chuckles] -Every time!

[Jeremy] Remember the tree fell down?

-The big beautiful one? -[Jeremy] We put it back up again.

Come and have a look.

[Jeremy] Look at that.

That's the tree we put back up.

[Lisa gasps] Wow.

-[Jeremy] I'm so happy. -[Lisa] Yeah!

'Cause it had been down for 6 months.

And it's alive!

[Lisa] But do you know what's weird?

Is that the little branches are growing from absolutely everywhere.

[Jeremy] I know. It's incredible.

That is what's called "bursting" back into life, isn't it?

[Lisa] It sure is. Yeah.

Well done. That's really nice.

-I'm really happy with that. -Yeah.

I'll think about the proposal, okay? I'm not ready yet.

[Jeremy] However, Mother Nature's ability to mend itself

isn't always a source of joy.

Sometimes, it can be downright annoying.

A point brought into sharp focus...

[Kaleb] Oh, Christ Almighty.

[Jeremy] ...when Kaleb and I decided to resume work on the dam.

[Jeremy] I mean, is this...

[Kaleb] We just can't get to it anymore.

We're gonna have to come with a chainsaw and cut all this back.

[Jeremy] When were we last here?

-[Kaleb laughs] -[Jeremy] It wasn't that long ago.

And now a jungle has happened.

[loud metallic clang]

[Jeremy] Happily, though, this meant I had an excuse to fire up WALL-E...

[motor whirring]

My most favourite machine in the world.

[motor roaring]

[Jeremy] Oh! I'm back.

The emotional support unit.

The machine of destruction.

Look at it.

Mincing.

Atomising.

[motor stopping]

-What is...? -What? Chainsaw trousers.

-Are those just the front? -Yeah.

So if you're through like this and you hit yourself,

they hit this and it tangles it up and stalls the engine.

[Jeremy] It is "Brokeback".

[Kaleb] What's that?

[Jeremy] Yes! Good dogs. Good dogs.

Sit, sit.

Sit, sit.

Sit!

Sit, sit.

No, it's gone. And that one's gone as well now.

[chainsaw whirring]

[Jeremy] Having cleared a new path to the dam site,

we got into a construction-worker state of mind

and moved onto the next job.

[Kaleb] Lunch!

That looks better now, doesn't it?

[Jeremy] I've had a thought.

Why are we using that tube

when we could use these sleepers instead?

[Kaleb] I see. Just put the sleepers across and then put the...

[Jeremy] If we put the sleepers across there... Do you see what I mean?

-[Kaleb] Yeah, yeah, yeah. -[Jeremy] We dig out a hole.

Put some posts in, like this is... Exactly like behind of this.

Exactly.

Put some posts in. You slot one in, then another, then another.

Then all you have to do, with the clay, is back up the sleepers.

And then...

The water simply comes over the top of the sleepers.

Why didn't we do that before?

I've just got it in my head. We don't need a pipe, do we?

We'll take the pipe out the way then, use it somewhere else.

-Take it back to the farm. -We'll drive that back to the farm.

[upbeat music]

[Kaleb] Unhook it.

-You know what I've just worked out? -[Kaleb] What's that?

[Jeremy] We are now exactly back to where we began in January.

Pipe at the top of the field.

Nothing done down there.

[Kaleb] We're never gonna finish this fucking dam.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] However, now we had the sleeper plan in place,

I was much more optimistic that we would.

[Kaleb] Pull it through. Is that proud enough?

[Jeremy] For the first time ever, I want to leave

further ahead than we were when we got here.

[Jeremy] Having prepped the site

and rammed some supporting posts into the mud,

it was time to place the sleepers.

-Ready? -Go.

Right. Digger man.

[Kaleb] Butt-crack alert! Butt-crack alert!

-Warning, warning. -[Jeremy laughs]

-[Kaleb] Down. -[Jeremy] More revs.

[Jeremy] Using the digger scoop,

I then pushed the foundation sleeper firmly into place.

However...

[Kaleb] It floats!

[Jeremy] We hadn't thought of that, had we?

[Kaleb] I'll stand on it forever.

Did you not bring any nails then at all?

It's not... You'll never...

If you put a nail in over the top of the sleeper,

you're creating a bigger crack, the water will get through.

[Kaleb] I just wanna put a nail there so I can get off it and then pack it.

But when the next goes on top, there'll be a gap between them.

We need some clamps.

-Something like clamps? -Or we can just get a big screw.

-To go through a sodden railway sleeper? -Yes.

We've gotta go to StowAg.

I'm not suggesting we put another sleeper on

until that one is securely fastened in place.

Look.

Why isn't that in a book somewhere that wood floats?

-[Jeremy] Could you rest that on top? -Can you stand on it then?

[Kaleb groans]

-[Kaleb] You got it? -[Jeremy] There you go.

[Kaleb] There we go.

[Jeremy] Right.

Another afternoon's work.

And what we've done is...

Nothing of any great worth.

I'm not going to be defeated by this dam though.

I'm just not.

[Jeremy] It would, however, be a while before I could get back to the dam

because, predictably, there were more mushrooms to shift.

[Jeremy sighs] Shit!

However, Lisa had had a brainwave.

She reckoned that if we dried the lion's mane mushrooms

in the Diddly Squat dehydration unit

and sold them as a powder, she'd make more money than I was

selling them as actual mushrooms.

-You can sell a hundred grams for £3. -Yeah.

-And they last five days? -[Jeremy] Mm-hmm.

I can sell a hundred grams

for £30, and it lasts for a year.

So lion's mane... I went into Chippy, to the health-food shop,

I asked them how much they sell their lion's mane for.

And they say they get it in once a week and it's sold out on the day it arrives.

Well, it says here:

"Lion's mane mushroom powder,

-30 servings, for £40!" -[Lisa] Yes.

-£40! -[Lisa] Yes.

I put it in my coffee, and it's like having spearmint through your head.

Your whole mind just opens up. You're really clear-thinking.

The mornings I don't take it, I notice the difference. It's amazing.

Hold on. It says here that it's good

-for your focus, memory and digestion. -Yeah.

Right. This is the nutrition values on it, yeah?

Yeah.

-Total fat: nought. -[Lisa] Excellent.

-Sodium: nought. -Excellent.

Total carbohydrate: nought.

Total sugars: nought. Added sugars: nought.

Protein: nought. There's nothing in it.

Excellent.

How can it help your memory, focus and digestion when it contains nothing?

[Lisa] The magic of mushrooms.

Yes, I know. But if you add butter, there's a point to it.

How can people... Why?

Are you complaining or are you growing mushrooms?

[Jeremy] I'm going to struggle to say: "Would you like to buy

this mushroom powder?" "What's in it?" "Nothing."

-Whatever. -[Jeremy] Honestly, Lisa.

Do your friends eat this shit?

Anyone who's everyone takes lion's mane.

I don't understand this at all.

[Charlie] Hello.

Hello, cheerful!

Welcome to a world where Lisa is planning on selling

50 grams for £40.

Wow.

-What are you doing? -[Lisa] This is my little dehydrator.

-[Charlie] Yeah? -So this here was a full tray

and it goes down next to nothing. Then I'll just blend it up,

stick it in little bags, put a "best within 12 months"...

You're gonna sell powder in baggies from a Range Rover?

So you... Okay.

How do you know it lasts a year?

Because once it's dried and powdered, it has twelve months.

'Cause the stuff I buy is dried and powdered and that's 12 months.

So how do you think that they know? They've tested it.

-They've done their testing, yeah. -They've done their testing.

[Lisa] And ours is even better because it comes from down the road.

No, no. They've done their testing.

-Uh-huh. -So they've validated...

-[Lisa] Yeah. Yeah. -And verified the fact that...

Because dehydrating, you're taking all the moisture out.

[Lisa] Yes.

-You remove the water content... -Yes.

-So it doesn't grow... -It doesn't grow mould...

-Bacteria. -Exactly.

So you've done your Hazard Analysis and Critical Control Point checks?

HACCP. It's basic food standards.

But no. No, no. This is from...

This is from farm to farm, so you don't have to do that.

-Because... No, no, no. -[Charlie laughs]

That's if you're selling to the wider market.

-[Charlie laughs] -Charlie, I am allowed

to grow tomatoes here and sell them in the shop.

And you're allowed to do that within a farm shop thingy.

-No. -Once it's dried, it's dehydrated.

-There's nothing in it but powder. -[Charlie] But how do you know it's dry?

Because it'll go into a powder.

But after 3 weeks, it might be full of mould.

You've sold it to somebody and then it's mouldy.

So it didn't last a year, it will have lasted 3 weeks...

Listen. Okay. So what's your solution, Charlie?

Well, you'll have to test it. And then... Whoa, whoa. No, test it.

There'll be a laboratory. We'll find out who tests it.

Or we could just sell them as mushrooms.

No, that's a waste, though. Lion's mane in your tea in the morning...

-But nobody wants that. -[Charlie] While we're doing...

How many men do that? None.

Not men that you know because you were born two millenniums ago.

This millennium people, they know all about it.

[Charlie] Okay, as a solution...

Why do you need to put a year on it?

-You just put six weeks, two months. -[Lisa] Okay.

-And that... -[Lisa] And that covers my arse?

-[Charlie] Yeah. -Okay.

But you'll have to test it for that long.

[Lisa] Okay.

Right. Okay. Onwards. I shall go and flog 'em.

I might as well just keep on drying here, yeah?

Okay. You need record what you're doing.

[Lisa] Okay.

[Charlie] "I have dried this for two hours."

I do a video, yeah.

-Good. -[Lisa] I'm going to take videos.

Okay. So, first of all, video.

First of all, I washed the mushrooms... No, I didn't.

First of all, I cut them off at the base, then I washed them in...

There in a fridge, in a...

First of all, I cut the bottom off and then I washed them.

And the whole kitchen has been, erm, certified.

[voice fades out]

[soft music]

[Jeremy] As we came to the end of June,

everything on the farm was looking wonderful.

But, there was a big but,

because Charlie was not a happy man.

Put simply, the weather had not been playing ball.

March had been the wettest for 40 years.

May had been freezing.

And June had been the hottest on record.

-[Charlie] This looks a mess. -[Kaleb] But why?

[Jeremy] And already Charlie could see the effects of all this turbulence

by examining what remained of Kaleb's oilseed rape.

You know, it hasn't pollinated brilliantly. It hasn't, erm...

We've got quite a few misses.

That's probably when it was cold and miserable in April.

[Kaleb] Yeah.

-[Charlie] It hasn't thrived, has it? -[Kaleb] No.

-So we're half a tonne an acre down. -Yeah.

Across 25 acres. 12 tonnes.

Yeah.

£5,000.

That's a hit, isn't it?

It'll be a challenge in this crop

-to make a profit. -Yeah.

[Jeremy] And once his happiness hoover was switched on,

he was sucking it up from everywhere.

But they're not animals but they're definitely not plant...

-Oh, here we go. -[Charlie] Hello.

[Jeremy] This is bound to be good news, everybody.

Why've you brought me barley?

-So, I've just been for a crop walk. -Yes.

[Charlie] The spring barley, you know it went in a bit later.

Yeah.

It's now putting up all these little shoots here, look.

[Jeremy] Don't tell me that's bad to have all...

Well, it might stuff your malting barley.

You might not be able to make beer out of it.

[Charlie] Because you've got these very early mature ones

and then there's still enough oomph in the soil

to throw out these little tillers.

And those late maturing ones will be a problem at harvest.

'Cause we're gonna have some immature fat grains

-in with the mature grains. -What...

You can't physically go and take all these out.

-So, you know... -[Jeremy] What do we do?

[Charlie] There's nothing we can do. We just have to hope

that it's warm and dry, and they mature at harvest.

Otherwise, there's no Hawkstone... from here.

-Are you saying that this won't make... -Well...

What weather do we need?

We just want not too hot, so these don't mature too early.

Goldilocks temperature. Just right.

-Like today. -Like today.

-Until... -For the next six, eight weeks.

Eight weeks.

[Charlie] If the weather plays ball, we've got half a chance.

If it doesn't, I'm really worried.

[customer] Yeah, we know all about that.

Do you know about that?

We've got barley and we've got...

And how is your spring barley doing?

[customer] Seems to be okay I think.

Are you listening to this? Their spring barley's all right.

Where are you?

-Market Harborough. Leicestershire. -Leicestershire, yeah.

So what would you say about our spring?

The lower shoots are your problem.

The lower shoots are the problem. Exactly.

[customer] Not what you want to be hearing.

[Lisa] No.

Shit...

[soft music]

[Jeremy] Charlie's gloomy arable forecast

put something of a dampener on proceedings

as the farm manager and I met for a whiteboard catch-up.

And found that Kaleb's outgoings had now gone through

the £100,000 barrier.

It's... it's scary.

[Jeremy] We're having to spend 102,000

-and we can't control the outcome. -Yeah.

Geopolitical events, weather.

-The price at the end of the day. -[Jeremy] Yeah, exactly.

It's like going to a casino. If it's a £2 minimum bet,

-you'll have a punt. -[Kaleb] Yeah.

A fun night out with your friends. If it's a £50,000 minimum bet,

-you're not gonna bet. -No!

How much would we spend five years ago?

Probably half that, didn't we? 'Cause the fertiliser price has doubled.

78,000... Can you imagine spending £78,000?

-On something you throw on the ground! -Yeah!

You can't even measure its success.

I've got four tonnes left over, yeah? Do you know why that is?

Because every time I come to the end of the run, I've turned it off quicker.

Seed costs have gone up...

by 35%, 40%.

Chemicals probably... You know, they've gone up.

I mean, for example, glyphosate used to be £40 for a 20 litre can.

-Yeah. -£162 now.

£162 for a 20 litre can of glyphosate.

-That's weed killer basically? -Yes.

Christ. These figures are terrifying.

[Jeremy] The only positive is that while my side of the board was also in the red,

some of my schemes did look like they'd soon be making a profit.

Honey, that...

-That will start coming back in again. -A couple of weeks.

Er... Mushrooms...

-[Kaleb] Yeah. -That could go green.

-Yeah. -[Jeremy] Mustard, who knows?

-That should be good money. -[Kaleb] It should go green.

Pigs are costing so much. What's going on?

No, to be honest, this is the total loss at the moment.

But by the time all those that we're selling are sold...

-Yeah. -...and sold through the shop...

-[Kaleb] We should. -That should go green.

Hang on. Why is Wildfarm on my side of the board?

Well, it's your field.

Yeah, but I thought it was your experiment?

[Jeremy] Yeah, on your field.

-How is it fair you make the decision... -Yeah.

-And it's on my side? -I know.

-It should be on your side. -No.

[Kaleb laughing]

[filming crew laughing]

I'm fucking crying!

What's going on?

Never...

[Jeremy] With Kaleb's side of the board looking so shaky,

it was vital that my unfarmed project succeeded.

So we had to get a shift on,

making sure the shop and the burger van,

newly liberated from their council shackles,

were ready and able to deal with the summer-holiday tourists.

[cook] Check on, one burger, one bacon.

[customer] Thank you so much.

-[Jeremy] Go. -[Kaleb] Measuring.

[Jeremy] This meant getting cracking with the car park.

[Kaleb] What are we on now?

45. We'll go 68.

[Jeremy] I didn't think this would be difficult.

[Jeremy] There.

[Jeremy] Or expensive.

[Jeremy] 53 metres.

[Jeremy] Or time consuming.

Right here.

[Jeremy] But I was wrong.

Very wrong.

[upbeat music]

£80,000?

Why don't we do it?

- [Jeremy] We'll do it in two days. - No.

[Jeremy gags and coughs]

[upbeat music]