Original subtitles

Move, y'all.

We're getting rid of this bee table.

-Why? -Betty, it is full of bees.

Look at this thing.

It's, like, 100% hive.

I wonder why they don't bother you.

I killed their queen. Now I'm their queen.

They'll do anything I want.

Bees, pass me my cup.

-Oh, they're busy.

And my theory is that I'm so anemic

that I give off less body heat than a glass of white wine.

Well, I hope y'all didn't get too attached,

'cause these hive turkeys are about to get evicted.

What the...?

Oh, man, a bee's walking on the chain.

Like a little escalator.

He's not even breaking a sweat.

Lord, this is humiliating.

Heard you were gonna tackle the bee table,

so I got you a little surprise.

And I mean really little.

I told Amazon to sort by the cheapest.

Jenny, what did you do?

A Al Borland Brand Sawz-All Craftsman Pro?

This is four times as expensive as the one I told you I wanted.

That's way too generous.

Uh-oh. I didn't...

-order this one.

What's that? I can't hear you.

This thing has a Ferrari engine.

That's not the saw I ordered.

We need to return it.

I love you, too, goll durn it.

Guys, you might have just witnessed the best moment

of my life, right up there with the time

David Blaine picked the lady behind me for a magic trick.

-Well, the thing is... -I love it.

Hey, Violet, what's the noise Tim the Toolman makes?

-No. I don't know it. -Come on, Vi. Please.

-Ar, ar, ar. -That's it. Ar, ar, ar.

Aah!

-Okay, now it's personal.

I won!

I conquered the whole hive!

Wow, Mom. You got a man who can Braveheart some bees.

I'm not saying that's not hot as hell, Vi,

but I got to send that chain saw back. It was a mistake.

-And good luck with that.

Oh, Lord.

Mother, can you move so I can get to the eggs?

Almost done. Just looking for something.

Hot flash? Due to menopause?

No, I was just looking for these.

Gram, what's menopause?

I totally know what it is.

I just want to hear her explain it.

Well, Vi, menopause is when

a woman's ovaries no longer produce estrogen

and progesterone.

Wow, Gram. That's actually right.

Otherwise known as the "butt plumpers."

As you can see by my rear,

they are clearly still pumping through my youthful bod.

Yeah, that's more what I expected.

Jenny, I know you spent a ton on this, but it was worth it.

You are so welcome.

But, Wayne, the thing is, I didn't really...

Oh, my God. Wayne, does that hurt?

Does what hurt?

-Oh. Ew.

We need to get you to the doctor.

For a bee sting? No.

Ooh. This heavy jacket does not breathe.

-Both of you lunatics need

to get your butts to the doctor.

You for that mega-sting, and you for your menopause.

-No such thing. -Feel like a million bucks.

So it's okay for me to keep it?

Even though it's way more expensive

-than the one I actually ordered? -Um...

Ugh. Can't we just qualify this as a miracle and move on?

Is it a miracle, or is it more like--

I don't know-- what is that thing

when someone takes something that's not theirs?

Stealing? Can't you just be my friend

and not spread some moral authority on everything?

-You know I'm Jesus, right? -Oh, here we go.

Like you would ever let me forget.

You know you can wear modern-day clothes if you want.

Well, if you just want affirmation,

you've come to the wrong place.

You know what? Maybe I have come to the wrong place.

Well, if that's how you feel, maybe I'll go.

Great. Good.

Excuse me, Peter. Coming through.

Sorry, Thomas. You're going to have to slide in.

Judas, you're fine.

-Oh, Lord.

Y'all, the parking lot squatters

are back in full force today.

Ew. Oh, no.

That fat one is leaning all over my Michael Kors Edition Lexus.

Jenny, can you go move it?

Louise, we have been over this. I am not your valet.

Just move it, Jenny.

Ugh.

"Do-do-do-do it."

You want me to move your car?

Louise, such a snotty butt.

Wait. Is it weird that that felt good?

And don't worry, Jesus. I'm not gonna ask you about this.

I don't need your opinion on every little thing.

Wow. You got rid of that quick.

Whoa, bro!

Bee sting. Jenny wants me to see a doctor,

but it is not necessary 'cause if I turn my head back

and sideways, I can basically breathe.

Let me get a closer look at ya. Mm.

You know, I can help you out with that.

Yeah, I've been taking courses in holistic healing.

Unlike those scientists with their degrees and knowledge.

Wait. How'd you get into all that?

I met a Buddhist shaman. Her name is Heather.

She's been teaching me.

It's just like community college

except the classroom is Heather's condo

and I have sex with the teacher.

Hmm. Well, I'm glad you found your new thing.

It's not just my new thing, bro.

Healing peeps is my calling.

So let me help you, man. Come on.

It would mean so much to me.

And, don't worry. This whole deal is fully legit.

I got a YouTube channel and everything.

Check it out.

Your motorcycle will help you

-get to sick people quickly. -Oh, watch this part.

Oh, look at that.

You found something to do with your uncle's doves.

Stop the presses.

Rainbow hand magic?

You know what? I trust that guy.

Heal me, bro.

Ouchie.

Aw, crap. That's not my fault, is it?

I mean, my thing was the door ding, which is harmless.

This windshield is a whole other situation.

Guess I should run this by Jesus real quick.

This ceiling's a bleeder.

I need more cloth to apply pressure.

Oh, no!

Jesus is gone!

Jesus, I really need to talk to you.

I think I have a moral dilemma, but I hope not, 'cause if I do,

it could put a real dent in my bank account.

Jenny, you okay?

Brenda,

can I run something by you?

When Louise asked me to move her car, I may have moved it

a little too close to a truck and dinged it.

-Go on. -Then when I shut the door,

a rock fell out of the truck

and cracked Louise's windshield all to hell.

Here's what you're gonna do.

Shut... your... mouth hole.

-Really? -Jenny, the one time

I quote, unquote, "did the right thing"

and fessed up, I closed out the day

with an arson charge, two dead bodies,

and... you guessed it,

a raging bald spot.

Jenny, what the H-E Single-C Single-K did you do to my car?

Shh.

I didn't do anything to it.

Oh, y'all, I bet it was that skeezy old truck driver.

-See how easy that was?

But now that truck driver's in trouble,

and he didn't do anything.

Hey, for every gazelle that escapes a lion,

some other gazelle gets caught.

Just be glad it ain't you.

Silver lining alert.

That trucker is the nicest guy in the world.

He said his company's insurance will cover it,

and he's taking me out on a date tonight.

Jesus works in mysterious ways, y'all.

Now, I got to go spritz my pulse points with Dior Sauvage.

Ha. I guess "WWJD" now stands for

"What Would Jenny Do?"

Oh. Oh, my mouth was open!

Okay, so let's get a look at it.

You wore this crystal all night?

Uh... absolutely.

Yes! I knew it! I did it!

Bro, you're a miracle worker.

So you did everything just like I told you?

Yup.

I slept with the crystal,

which was actually super comfy.

Power of crystals, man.

And you got up every ten minutes to stare at the color blue?

And the swelling started going down immediately.

It was like magic.

-Completely pain-free, too.

This is a really big moment for me.

This is like my moon landing.

But even better because it's real.

I couldn't help but overhear

that miracles are being dispensed.

That they are. Travis here just healed my swollen neck.

-You see? -Ooh. Well.

Dr. Travis, look who's whorking whonders.

Wayne, leave us.

Travis, how old do you think I am?

-Twenty... nine? -Twenty-nine?

Oh, my Lord, I am a little bit older than that.

Travis,

the desert approach-eth downstairs.

Do you catch my drift?

I totally do, but let's pretend I don't.

I'm talking about menopause, you hot moron.

Is there anything you can do... hole-listically?

Can a one-armed drummer still play "Rock of Ages"?

Hell yes!

-Oh, shoot. -Just put it back on the plate.

Really? Isn't that... unsafe?

Not everything is such a moral dilemma.

-I haven't steered you wrong yet, have I? -Ew.

-Louise sure isn't complaining.

Well, that couldn't have gone worse.

I thought that trucker was taking me

on a nice date to a restaurant.

But it turns out all he wanted to do

was eat hot wings in his apartment-home.

Then he had a big surprise for me.

Flowers? A slice of cheesecake?

No. His wife.

What?

I was asleep in his apartment-home bed,

-and then we heard a noise.

-He pops straight up and tells me that it's his wife.

She's a pediatric nurse, and she came home

at, like, 5:45 a.m.

I had to hide under the bed while he made her breakfast.

Then as she fell asleep watching

all five hours of The Today Show,

I tried to sneak out, but she caught me

and threw me off their apartment-home balcony.

I landed on a poor kid's dirty trampoline

and flew into a dimpsty dumpster.

It's just been one bad thing

-after another since yesterday.

I have to believe God is punishing me for some reason.

Oh, Louise, God's not punishing you.

In fact, I-I feel terrible.

-That this all happened

to you, because...

I saw the squatters smash your windshield.

Yup, the squatters did it, and I saw it.

Hey, guys. Venom, Captain Carl.

Lougie, Eddie Toilet,

Squamp, Wound, Killer, Baby Satan, Kathy.

We are really, really sorry, but Louise wants us to hose you.

-What?! -We'll do it gentle. Sorry.

-All my pocket drugs are wet!

Brenda, go easy. These guys didn't do anything.

Jenny, we're way past the "why."

We're just into the fun part now.

Take that, you nasty squatters.

That's what you get for ruining my car.

Oh, no.

Y'all, hit 'em again!

Jesus, just need to talk to you.

Okay.

Well, Louise is falling apart, and it's all my fault,

and Brenda's gone crazy and the squatters.

Oh, here we go.

Hi there. Ew.

Nope. What was I thinking?

Jen. Jen? Whoa. Jenny?

Mouth's crooked. Ugh.

Jesus. Oh, no. Let me help you with those hands.

Hands?

Well, hands are hard.

Here, let me at least help you talk better.

This mouth is too big.

Aah!

Mouth is too small.

Wait. Jen, come back!

Ugh.

-What? -Travis is adjusting my Chaka Khans.

Root chakras, but yeah.

Trav, can I talk to you in the kitchen?

After you wash your hands.

Dude, what the hell's going on?

Betty's entering that phase of her life

where her body is slowly transitioning from MILF to coug.

I'm gonna help her stave off that change indefinitely.

But this thing with Betty, it's, like, hormones and blood work

and anatomy junk and...

You know, the kind of stuff

that may not have been taught in Heather's condo.

Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bro.

I don't have to get into any of that stuff.

All I have to do is unlock Betty's power

so she can heal herself.

So you're not getting into any actual procedures or anything?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm just gonna do some energy work

and insert a geode into her specialty place.

Insert a what into the who?

Wings. That's fun, right?

-Aah!

-Oh, get back in that wall! Get!

Jenny.

What in the hell?

Just, uh, cleaning up.

Great news. Louise's spiral

of bad luck has taken an even bigger turn.

Oh, no.

-It's official.

There is no God.

Oh, Louise, please don't say that.

What... what happened to you?

I took my car

to the body shop,

and their waiting room was nothing

but a metal folding chair

and a Spin magazine

from 2010.

I was reading an article about

the Kings of Leon, and I realized

-my pocketbook was gone.

And why do you look this way?

Jenny, don't you get it? My identity got stolen.

-Yeah, but doesn't that mean... -Shh, shh, shh.

Jenny, we all know what happens

when someone's identity gets stolen.

You have to choose a new identity, right?

There can't be two of me walking around,

so now I got to be someone else.

Thank God Brenda was available to come on over

and help me create my new identity--

Toni with an "I" Beckerman from Corpus Christi, Texas.

I'm working on the accent.

Don't mess with Texas.

Also, I'm currently in a...

-Sex cult. -Yes, Toni with an "I"

is the leader of a sex cult.

-Ha.

Louise, this is all my fault.

Oh, no, it's Equifax.

Y'all, the New Louise just got to Long Island City and leased

a fleet of Jet Skis.

My credit has plummeted to 380.

What size you think is good for Betty?

Dah. No. God. I'm still feeling

like this may not be the best way to approach this.

How could you, my greatest success story, be doubting me?

Oh. I'm such a klutz. Well, and that reminds me.

This one's out of commish. Fell in the toilet this morning.

-It fell in the toilet? -All right.

Just hit it with some Lysol.

Wayne, you're not really gonna let Travis

put a mystical toilet rock into Gram?

But I've never seen him so focused and happy.

I can't crap on his dream.

No, what I need to do is injure myself so bad

that he'll have to admit that he can't fix it.

Look, I know an honest conversation

may seem scary, but...

Exactly. So take this meat tenderizer

and bang me up just enough to look real bad,

like I'm dying, but not bad enough so I actually die

-or anything. -Come with me.

I have a way-less-stupid idea.

Aah! Travis, I need you.

I had a chain saw accident.

Looking good. Just like Harrison Ford.

-Louise didn't have the guts,

but Toni with an "I" Beckerman knows exactly

how to make those squatters pay.

You don't reach the upper echelon of a sex cult

without having a few tricks up your sleeve.

Ready to eat some boiling oil,

you nasty squatters?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Louise, stop!

It was me.

When I parked your car, I slammed that door

'cause I was mad,

and then those rocks fell off that truck.

I wanted them to scratch your car.

So, if anything, I willed this whole thing to happen.

I started this whole spiral. Me. I did it.

So you're telling Toni

that not only did you cause this

but you lied to Louise's face about what you did to her car?

Yes, Toni. I lied to Louise's face.

Wait, what am I doing?

Louise, you are not Toni.

That's not how stolen identity works.

Yeah, it is.

Brenda, stop.

Why would you do that?

I'm really sorry.

I've been getting advice from an unreliable source

for the past few days.

But all these decisions were mine to make,

and I chose wrong.

I totally get it if you want to fire me.

If it were Louise standing here,

she'd fire you. But me?

Toni with a "I"? Well, I've been through a few things.

An alcoholic father.

Multiple divorces.

Nearly lost a finger working on an oil rig.

I'm too busy surviving to be angry.

Holy crap.

I think I might want to switch teams for Toni.

Quick, smell this.

-Now how's it feel?

Aah! Still bad.

Oh, what? I got to go talk to my sage guy.

Okay. I hate to say it, but we might actually have to...

Go to the hospital?

Use quartz. I got some on my bike.

-What the hell is your game?

That's a scam wound if I ever saw one.

Violet did it.

I wanted him to be holding his own eyeball,

but he wussed out.

Like always.

He can't heal crap.

That thing with my neck?

I went to a real doctor to get it fixed.

I was just lying to Travis to build him up.

So, you lied and made me think I was good at this?

Yes.

That's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

-Get in here. Do you feel this? -That's what it's all about.

-Are you feeling that? -Oh, I feel that.

-That is all love, bro. -You feel me?

I'm glad somebody's getting touched.

Travis, I guess we're rain-checking

the crystal hoo-ha therapy?

-Hi. -Aah!

Jesus? Oh, Jesus,

you scared me half to death.

-Where have you been? I needed you.

You didn't need me. You just needed to listen to yourself.

And that worked. I mean, it took way longer

than I expected, but you got there.

I didn't like not being able to talk to you.

Hey, you said you needed a break.

Anyway, I was around the whole time.

You just refused to see me.

Jenny.

Hey, Jenny.

Jenny, over here. Come on...

-Hey, Jenny, Jenny.

Jenny, over here.

Hey, Jenny. Jenny. Hey, Jenny. Jenny.

-Oh, wow.

I'm sorry I ate you and sprayed you

and threw you in the garbage.

I've had worse.

You can go outside the restaurant?

Wh-What do you think I am? A vampire?

JENNY I don't know the rules.

Well, if I were anything,

I'd be a werewolf.

In Twilight, Jacob was the sexy one.

Are you kidding me? Jacob's a snooze.

I've had naps more exciting than Jacob.

You did not just say that.

Do we need another break?

I think we might.

So that's how you do hands.

All y'all are on notice.

From now on, if anyone screws with me,

you're dead meat.

Louise, you don't have to keep going with this identity.

Oh, hell no, y'all.

My life has never been better.

Before becoming Toni with an "I,"

I was just a sad widow feeling sorry for myself.

Daniel's dead.

And so is the old Louise.

And speaking of dead meat,

that's what you'll be, Lougie, if you keep

using my bathroom.

I'm gonna be Toni a lot more often.

It's like a gift from God.

Hey, could you give me some broader shoulders?

-What?

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH