Original subtitles

Whew!

Gonna be another scorcher today

with a wave of record heat and humidity

we're calling Heat Wave Dick.

Reporting live from downtown Greenpoint

is our own MayKay Bueller.

How's everybody coping out there, MayKay?

Hoo-hoo! Oh, oh, hi there, Big.

I'm standing here in the town square

with no one to interview

because the National Weather Service has literally

ordered people indoors.

So the question is

why the hell am I still out here?

Ha! We'll be checking up with MayKay for more news

on Heat Wave Dick throughout the day.

Throughout the day?!

Okay, y'all, now, this isn't a free AC factory,

so everybody better be ordering or actively eating.

Also, quit using the paper products

to dab sweat off your nethers.

-Our napkins are not beach towels, y'all.

Hey, bitch-padre.

We on for Slusheritos tonight?

You know it! I live for our Tuesday night Slusherito bashes!

Tuesday Spewsday!

Oh, by the way, here's that shirt I borrowed.

Thanks again, Jenny.

Cool. You're welcome.

Uh, wait.

It's missing a sleeve.

Oh, what?

This space right here.

This is where a sleeve should be.

Oh, yeah, that.

So, ha-ha. Crazy story.

I popped into a gas station to get a squirt-bottle fan,

and this lady came out of nowhere

and grabbed the last one,

so I body-checked her into the jerky rack,

and she tore the sleeve off in retaliation.

Heat waves, am I right?

It's just that, when I lend you a two-sleeved shirt,

I kind of expect it to come back with, you know, two sleeves.

Okay, well, you should have told me beforehand then.

I can't read your mind, Jenny.

I'm not the Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo.

Well, I couldn't have predicted you'd rip a sleeve off

'cause I am also not the Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo.

Good. We both agree

we're not the Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo.

-Help! My butt implants

have dangerously suctioned me to this wet booth!

Okay, y'all ready?

I think the cold's built up enough.

I'm gonna give us another blast.

-Oh, Lord, yes. -Deliver me, sweet Jesus.

Did I miss the blast?! Ugh! I'm so hot, I think

there are parts of me that are safe to eat.

I'm meeting Travis at the movies to soak up

that sweet, sweet movie-theater AC. You want to come?

-Yes. -Oh, God, yes.

Okay, we can do this.

You ready?

Ugh.

We just got to get to my truck!

I'll turn on the AC.

-Aah! -Aah!

Wayne, why is there hot air coming out of these vents?

Your dumb-ass truck's got its wires crossed.

Now, don't talk to her like that.

You know she doesn't like the heat.

-I'm sorry, baby. I know you're trying.

I think this heat's making Wayne loony.

No, he's right. She doesn't like the heat. She told me.

Dr. Angelica, the missile's too heavy

for this electric, computer-made foreign truck.

Impossible. All my Harvard PhD calculations say

that this truck is scientifically designed

to handle maximum haulage.

Well, you better start recalculating,

'cause we've only got 30 seconds

to haul this missile into the desert before it explodes

and kills everyone in the Western world.

Maybe you need to haul it with something made in America.

Wayne, that's your truck!

Haul Force One!

That's my truck! That's my sweet baby up there!

Shut up! Sit down!

You're ruining the experience for everyone.

Who buys my bootleg DVDs.

Ugh. It's so hot, I am this close to shaving my beard.

-What do you think? -No.

How about a mustache?

It's a little too dastardly for my taste.

You look like you're about to tie a lady to some train tracks.

I call this "parting the waters."

It's my answer to The Rachel.

ZZ Top? Hulk Hogan? Iron Man?

Oh, come on. This is good stuff, Jenny.

I'm sorry. I'm just so freaking mad at Brenda right now.

Jenny, you gals need to talk.

No, never mind. It's okay.

It's just this heat. It's making us all crazy.

I'm gonna do something I haven't done

in a thousand years or so-- religious visions.

-Relax into it. -Really?

No.

I'm just gonna remind you of a bunch of stuff Brenda did.

Brenda! I just found my purse emptied out

in the bathroom garbage, and my wallet was already missing!

I asked you to watch it for five minutes!

Jenny, I don't work for you.

I mean, I can if you pay me.

That'll be hard since some boo-boo stole your wallet.

What a conundrum, am I right?

Brenda, did you break every one of my lipsticks?

I paint with a heavy hand!

Brenda, what the hell?!

Okay, someone might have spilled a full bowl

of Cap'n Crunch all over y'all's car last night

and then left the door ajar to air out their cereal farts.

But, you know, there is no way to be sure.

Okay, I see it now.

And I don't recall a single "I'm sorry" in there.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

Good! Wait, wait, wait. Watch this.

Nope.

Ugh!

Forgot we're living in a hellscape.

Whoa. Is this your truck?

Sure is. Had her for years.

Whoa. Is that the freaking car from the freaking movie?

Dad, get out your little money-writing book

and start writing some money to get me that car.

-Y'all, we need to get a move on.

My panties are starting to steam and not in a fun way.

You, blue-collar beer commercial man, how much for the truck?

Oh, I could never sell this old girl. Part of the family.

Don't worry, baby. You're my ride-or-die.

No sale. Sorry, kiddo.

My name is Bryce, not "kiddo."

And I'm not interested in whatever weird,

anthropomorphic bond you have with your truck.

Wow. Anthropomorphic?

Let me guess. A word you learned at the prep school

your dad paid for by refusing to offer the employees

of whatever dumb company he owns a living wage.

And let me guess. You got that judgmental attitude

from an endless chorus of people telling you

that rich people are the source of all your hardships?

When you got that haircut,

did you ask for the Joran van der Sloot?

When you got yours, did you ask for

the poor girl from Les Mis the day after she sells her hair?

-Her name is Fantine. -I know her name.

Well, unfortunately, when it comes to this truck,

I can't be swayed by any dollar amount.

Oh, my God! Yes! Deal!

Wayne, no! This is your truck. Look at her.

Yeah, Wayne. And we are not gonna indulge

this spoiled little...

-Hey-oh! -Oh, come on, Betty.

No amount of money could possibly justify...

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Pull it together. This can't be... Ay-ay-ay-ay!

Okay, so we all agree that this is a real

hey-ooh, boi-oi-oi-oi-oing, homina-homina-homina,

wee-haa, wee-haa number here?

Yes, there's no question it's a hot-cha-cha

"I'll have what she's having" number.

But you love this truck.

Yeah, no. What am I thinking?

I'm not gonna sell this old girl.

Let me just see the check again.

Booyah-ka-sha!

Once again, I set the goal, then made my dreams come true.

Ugh! I have had it up to here with butt sweat.

Sweat's already gross, but when it drips off a butt?

-Unsubscribe. -Gross!

You are so thoughtless!

Take responsibility and act like a damn adult!

-What?! -You wrecked my shirt.

And I think you need to apologize.

You sound like my mom.

You know what? We should just call it.

Fine! Friend break.

Permanent friend break. Shake on it.

Psych! Former friends don't shake hands.

Ugh!

Heat Wave Dick continues with temperatures

holding steady in the upper 90s. MayKay?

Oh! Big, I'm getting divebombed

by super mosquitos!

Excuse me. Trying to get by. Beep, beep.

Well, I'm trying to take an order,

so you're gonna have to wait a minute. Toot, toot.

These plates are really hot, they're burning my hands.

So move. Honk, honk.

Well, you should have thought about that

before you grabbed them.

Maybe take some personal responsibility for your actions.

So back it up.

-Meep. Meep. Meep. -Whoa, what's going on here?

They used to be like two peas in a pod.

Oh, they had a huge blowout.

Where the hell you been, brother?

I had a kidney stone,

not that anyone asked.

Well, that's my oversight, and I do apologize.

Shut up, you idiots!

Brenda, what the hell?!

It. Is. A. Heat. Wave. Jenny.

We have a million customers out there.

Shouldn't be that hard for Lady Two-Arms

and her miraculous sleeves to handle.

Why did I go all the way to the end?

I knew where it was going. Self-burn.

Now, remember what I told you

about buying a car. Don't show emotion.

Never let 'em know how much you want it.

Oh, my God!

The new Dakota Thunder?!

We want this one. We'll pay anything!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hi, Gina. Uh, I'm not sure I need this much truck.

That's funny.

You're calling it a truck.

Gentlemen,

welcome to the Dakota Thunder Lifestyle Platform.

Strong enough to tow the Freedom Tower up Mount Denali.

Goose down headrests,

leather from Kobe beef cows, and, hey,

you guys into tailgating?

-Oh! -Ah!

-Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay...! -Homina, homina, homina, homina.

Sounds like a yes!

We'll just do a quick six hours of paperwork

in a cramped office, and you'll be on your way.

You know, my old truck was all broken-in.

Like, we got each other.

But this truck, eh, I don't know.

Kind of feels like maybe she's a little out of my league.

Wayne, this is the Dakota Thunder.

Just point her towards the sunset,

and she'll take care of the rest.

Okay, just gonna...

ease her off the lot here.

Okay, looking good over here. How's it looking over there?

You got room for days over here.

I know! Just let me check one more time.

And then back over here.

All right, now-now, am I getting too close to that sign?

-You see that sign? Am I too close to that sign? -Wayne.

Looking pretty good on my side. How's your side looking?

Nothing but street. All you, bro.

Whoa, whoa! Hold the phone!

Yeah, got a pedestrian over here.

Man, she came out of nowhere.

I think you got time on that one, Wayne.

-Whoa! Look at that truck! -That is one smooth truck, homes!

Come on, man!

-Let it rip!

Hmm.

Ugh, gross.

Hang on, y'all. I'm gonna get her dirty.

I'm gonna get her all messed up.

I saw some better mud over there.

Whoo-hoo! We're mudding, y'all!

-Dang, dawg.

He went from Haul Force One to Haul Force None.

Doo, doo-doo-doo.

Jenny, thank you so much for inviting me out.

I have been dying to slum it in this skeezy dive bar.

Louise, this is a chain restaurant.

There's a kids' play area.

I feel like I'm in a Goodfellas movie.

-Why don't you put another shot in this one? -So, Jenny,

since I'm now in your friend zone,

let's do some girlfriend gossip.

I heard you and Brenda are having

a little squabbledy-doodly- doo-doo-doo-doo.

Louise, I don't really want to talk about Brenda

if that's okay.

I don't know how you put up with it, Jenny.

Brenda's just one set of paperwork away

from the federal government stepping in

and declaring her a public menace.

Isn't it annoying, constantly covering her tables

'cause she's over picking out wedgies by the soda fountain?

She also ruined a really nice shirt of mine.

Of course she did.

She probably busted out of it like the Hulk.

She takes naps in your car, you know.

That beast!

I wondered why it smelled like cereal farts.

And she owes you for that shirt, Jenny.

She won't even apologize!

Ugh. She is a wild animal.

A silly ole crazy lady.

Lock her up.

I'm being fun.

Jenny,

so fun last night,

dishing and gabbing and having a dang ole kiki.

Oh, yeah, but I shouldn't have said

all that stuff about Brenda.

Okay, put a little ole pin in that, Jenny.

Brenda, you're fired.

-Wait. What? -The hell?

No, no, no, wait. Hang on, Louise.

You're always late.

You steal food,

and you sleep in my four-door Lexus sedan

on a bed of cereal gas.

Screw you, Bene-dick Arnold!

-Ugh. Brenda, wait!

So, Jenny. What's on tonight's fungenda?

Hold that thought, girlfriend.

There's a bunch of glass in my hair.

Well,it's still hot.

They want you to fry this.

Ew, what?

Fry it on the sidewalk.

This is Brenda. I'm either passed out or bonin',

so leave a message.

Hey. Listen, I'm so sorry.

And I never meant for this to happen.

♪ Look around you ♪

Ooh...

I'm gonna order a giant juicy steak

-with a big ole pad of butter on top. -No.

You should have a salad. It's way healthier, Wayne.

Oh, my parents are expecting us at the country club tomorrow.

They're announcing our engagement.

♪ Look around ♪

Are you even listening to me?

I'm sorry.

I tried to make it work, but...

there's another truck who has my heart.

You bastard!

I can't pretend I didn't see this coming.

But at least one of us should be happy.

Go to her. Go to your...

♪ So, lady ♪

♪ Let me take a look at you now ♪

Oh, this baby's mine.

And you'll never get her back.

Not when the floor is lava.

♪ You're there on the dance floor ♪

♪ Making me want you somehow. ♪

No! No!

Lady!

Fingers! God, it's broiling in here.

I was dreaming about my truck.

Yeah, you love that truck.

You should never have gotten rid of that truck.

Yeah, well, you never should have gotten rid of Brenda.

Man, I can't believe y'all aren't talking.

I tried.

Well, maybe you didn't try hard enough.

'Cause I'm gonna get my truck back.

Wait, what was your dream about?

Fancy cookies.

Violet, I got to get my old truck back.

I miss her something terrible.

I hate to say I told you so,

so I'll do it telepathically.

I'm searching your mind for who told you so.

I found it. It's me.

Just help me figure out how to get my truck back.

Well, it won't be easy.

No one's ever said no to that kid.

The only reason he even wanted my truck is

'cause he saw it in that stupid, awesome movie.

Ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap!

I'm generating an idea. I need absolute silence.

Yes, I got it.

All he wants is to have the hottest thing

before anyone else does.

And I think we can serve it up to him.

Also, I told you so.

"Love, Jenny."

Dang.

She really does take good care of me.

Oh, yeah!

Got the Christopher Nolan Batmobile over there.

The mail truck from You've Got Mail, of course.

-And over there is... -Hold on. What's that?

Is that the Jag hearse from Harold and Maude?

Oh, yeah. I'm surprised you recognized it.

Harold and Maude is my favorite movie.

-Harold and Maude is my favorite movie. -Why?

Because it's about a rich kid who gets everything he wants?

No. It's because Harold rails against societal norms

and lives to torture his insane mom.

Okay, great. You're a genius, I guess.

Now, let's get down to business.

Yes, let's. I'm very curious

as to what kind of "opportunity"

that you, a poor, have for me.

Oh, just a little private meet and greet

-with the star of the upcoming Haul Force sequel.

Space Haul.

Homina, homina, homina. How, how, how?

How is this possible?

Have you seen the movie? What's the catchphrase?

Uh... Houston, we...

Do not have a problem, because...

We have a truck?

In space.

"Houston, we don't have a problem

because we have a truck in space"?

Oh, I friggin' love that!

This franchise is so dumb that it might actually be

a brilliant surrealist masterpiece.

That's exactly what you said about it, Violet.

Shut up. No, I didn't. This is boring.

Okay, I need this truck. Name your price.

Ten million dollars.

Or how about just an even trade?

Haul Force One for Haul Force Two.

Wait. I think we can do better than that.

How about Wayne's truck

plus $651?

Best $651 ever spent.

This AC feels good.

Oh, sweet, sweet air conditioning.

This feels so good,

I don't even care what Gram's doing right now.

I'm freezing my bra.

My underboobs are overheating.

Let's get some mud on this thing.

What do you say, baby?

Jenny, I was sitting there, thinking I don't need you.

Then I realized you remind me to wear pants

and eat green things

and stop sending nudes all willy-nilly.

You totally keep me alive.

Well, I love you being alive.

I got something for you.

I fixed it.

-Aw... -Look on the back.

It's completely unwearable.

It's perfect.

Come on.

We're gonna get your job back.

Brenda, you're rehired.

-What? -What made you change your mind?

They did.

Brenda's the only one here

who can deal with the possum problem.

Oh, hell yeah. I got this.

Why does she always have to take her top off?

She has to become one of them.

Possum party!

-Yeah!

♪ Well, if you want to sing out, sing out ♪

♪ And if you want to be free, be free ♪

♪ 'Cause there's a million things to be ♪

♪ You know that there are ♪

♪ And if you want to live high, live high... ♪

You look good in the...

Uh-uh.

If you want to come in, we could watch the...

Shut up. You're not cool enough to talk to me yet.

♪ You know that there are ♪

♪ You can do what you want. ♪

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH