Original subtitles

I can't believe it's gonna rain

for our entire spring break.

Oh, don't worry, Vi, we're gonna let it get real gushy,

then we are going mudding!

Yes! I mean, whatever. Mudding's dumb.

Ah, I love the rain.

It washes painful memories from the trees.

Plus, in my family, when it rains,

my abuela pulls out the board games.

- Ugh! Ow. - Keep your voice down. - Shh.

- Dave, Dave, Dave. - What?

Did somebody say "board games"?

Oh, my God, that's a great idea!

Oh, what's this? A Internet article

that states golf is actually better in the rain.

Good enough for me. Let's go rent some metal clubs.

Guys, sometimes the Internet is just right.

- Let's go now. - Ooh.

Cozy-wozy. Game-day-a-go-go.

- I'll grab the Monopoly. - Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Please tell me I didn't hear Jenny say the word Monopoly.

Why does everyone look like

they just got locked in a murder house?

'Cause Betty raised a monster.

I did not raise a monster.

Jenny was a real testy child.

Eight, nine, ten,

11, 11, 11, 11,

11, 11, 12.

- I win. - Jenny,

that's a lot of 11s, shuggy.

Which makes you the ultimate champion.

Who's the smartest, bestest little girl?

Me!

What do you want from me?

Her father had just died,

and I was a single, widowed mom.

Who gives a crap if I bend the rules

to let my baby win Connect Four?

And now it's a fun tradition.

A dangerous web-of-lies tradition.

And we love it, 'cause we have to.

And she never picked up on this, even as a grown-ass woman?

Oh, it's a classic study in self-deception.

When the people around you are constantly telling you

you're a genius, eventually you're just gonna

start buying into it.

It's why Tom Cruise thinks

he can film a movie on the moon.

Well, we don't have to worry, because I hid that Monopoly game

so well, she'll never find it. Found it.

There was a big hole in the wall behind the refrigerator.

It was just sitting in there.

- Weird. - Damn it.

Y'all, I know I created this monster,

but even Dr. Frankenstein knew

when to hand it over to the villagers.

Okay, have fun, Jenny.

May the smartest, happiest little girl win.

You know I will, Mother.

Monopoly ♪

- - Mono- - Mono- - Mono-nopoly-ly-ly ♪

♪ What's the name of the game that's sweeping the nation? ♪

Monopo-opo-opo-opoly. ♪

Okay, just remember this key piece of advice

when playing against my mom.

When you lose, you win.

Oh, Travis. Good. You're here.

Yeah, I got your text.

We gonna get through this, bro. I brought snacks.

You brought sweet and salty?

I'm not a dummy, Violet.

Yes, I got sweet and salty. Damn.

Okay, good, 'cause if she's in the mood

for a Hershey's Kiss, but all we have is Doritos,

she's gonna freak.

Wow. So, what happens if she loses?

One time I beat her at that game Trouble.

The next day there was - a Pop- - O-Matic on my doorstep

with a dead dove in it.

That was a message.

Yeah, when we first started dating,

our first board game together, uh, caught me off guard.

Oh, I got it.

Professor Plum, in the conservatory, with the knife.

Yes! I won!

Okay, well, congratulations.

I mean, that's how games work.

- You won this time, maybe I'll win next time. - Yeah.

So, uh, good game.

Was it, Wayne?! Was it a good game?

Was it fun for you?

Jenny, no!

And that tiny little Clue knife,

that goes in deeper than you think.

What's going on in there, losers?

David, I don't know if you know this,

but when it comes to board games,

I am the quaine of the world. David, have you seen the...

BOTH Lid of Fame.

...Lid of Fame? "Winner: Jenny Hart."

"Winner: Jenny Hart.

Winner: Jenny Hart. Winner: Jenny Hart."

It's an unbroken streak that goes back 20 years.

So guess what, it ain't gonna be broken today.

No way, Mom.

Okay, so as is customary, the last winner goes first.

- And judging from the box... - Lid of Fame.

- ...that's Jenny Hart. - Yippee!

I thought the highest roll... Oh...

Okay, well, that's a four, which is within

seven spaces of Chance, so I get to pull a Chance card.

- Absolutely. - I'll hand it to you, quaine.

What? Seven spaces of Chance?

Hey!

I got pizza bites.

Whoops-a-daisical. Oh, no.

What a hilarious turn of events.

Sometimes you just got to laugh.

So dumb and hilarious.

- What an absolute klutz. - What in the hell?

David, we've added some new rules.

Just go with it.

"Take a walk on the Boardwalk"?

What? How many times in a row

have I drawn that Boardwalk card?

That's got to be a record.

Or maybe I'm just that good.

I am... Queen of the game ♪

Ain't no shame ♪

♪ Best in the world, better than Violet and Wayne ♪

David's gonna see ♪

♪ Who's the winner that's sweeping the na-na-nation? ♪

It's me. ♪

GWEN Let's dig into your relationships.

Time for Gwen to drop some truth bombs on you.

Shoot, I invented the truth bomb, Gwen.

Our first email tonight starts, "Gwen, help me.

Hubby and I are sleeping in separate bedrooms."

Oh, I'm calling in.

- Hey! - I'll tell you what you need.

Nothing rolls back the hands

of time in a relationship like good old-fashioned sexting.

Snap a tasteless nude, the tackier the better, hit send,

and he'll come running back to you like Usain Bolt.

Truth bomb.

Ruh-roh. Work, wheels.

Four, five, six.

Uh-oh.

Well, well, well, look who decided

to spend the night.

That'll be $600.

$600? Oh, no. I am totally losing.

But what do you expect?

Jenny is quaine of the games.

Stop saying "quaine."

It's like when straight people discovered "yas"

all over again.

Who's the red-headed sensation ♪

Pulling up to Monopoly Station? ♪

It's me, quaine of the... ♪

$600? Where'd that number come from?

Ow.

I turned that iron on for you.

David, David, there's a female landlord bonus.

Which was long overdue. Bye, patriarchy.

Get it, David?

Okay, my turn.

Hola, muchachos y muchachas.

Who's ready for a nacho break?

I am. I'm ready for a break.

Four. Yes. Park Place. I'm buying it.

Excuse me?

So, Banker, where were we?

Oh, right. Park Place, bitches.

Oopsie, it's the "Park Place fell into a sinkhole" card.

What? That's not a card.

Now give me my townhome.

I'm meeting an interior designer in an hour.

But I have Boardwalk. I need Park Place.

How can I get Park Place now?

I-I-I need Park Place.

Oops, well the board's a greasy mess.

Nothing to do but throw it out, I guess.

- I'll do it. - No, no, no, I got it.

Mmm, el crujido de la victoria.

All units, we have a 10-46 on Rosewood Street.

All right, rookie, how well do you know

your radio codes?

10-46... Aw, shoot.

- Uh, golf injury? - Nope.

- Exotic pet attack? - Nope.

- Trampoline fire? - Nope.

Beauty school bomb threat?

Or is it that thing where somebody claims something

accidentally went up their butt,

but probably they put it there?

10-46 is a stranded motorist.

But we do have a code for all those other things, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah!

Well, here she is.

Hey there, ma'am. Car trouble?

Well, hello there. Name's...

Betty Hart.

Now, how did you know my name?

Oh, we tussled before.

I caught you shoplifting at Contempo Casuals.

That was you?

Yep. I always wanted to ask what you needed with five

jewel-tone velvet bolero jackets?

Oh, that's when I was trying to start my girl group.

I would have bought that album.

I got to admit I always had a little crush on you.

And what about now?

Well, let's just say I'm not a rookie anymore.

TUG Ooh...

Tug. What happened here, Betty?

Yep, you're up on there pretty good.

That's not the first time I've heard that. Wink.

Ooh...

Tug. All right, let me see what's going on here.

BETTY (à la Six Million Dollar Man Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Na-na-na-na-na- na-na-na-na-na.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Ma'am, you're talking gibberish. Did you hit your head?

Nine, ten, 11, 12 ♪

Double sixes, I got you, bitches. ♪

What? This used to be the poor neighborhood.

Used to be.

Welcome to Davidwood at Elegance Heights.

Amenities include a fascinator design studio

and tiger rides.

But all the glamour comes at a cost,

and that cost is $1,200.

$1,200? But I'm cash poor.

I spent all my money on hotels.

You call those puny huts hotels?

This...

...is a hotel.

I-I didn't know you could do that-- stack hotels?

Is stacking hotels even a thing?

I didn't know you could stack hotels.

Oh, it's a thing, all right.

You know what else is a thing?

You mortgaging a property to pay me.

Or she-she doesn't have to do anything.

David, she rolled a 12, which-which means...

nobody owns anything they didn't own 12 minutes ago.

Oh, right. I forgot about that rule.

Show me that rule.

Um, uh, gladly.

Here it is. Right here.

Confirmed and memorized.

Now we don't need these anymore.

Boop. Oh, and, that's the official game over sound.

Boop.

"Game over boop"?

Yep, yep. The game over boop.

And because Mom has the most...

um, property, she wins.

Congratulations, Mom.

Boom! Mama Mia, Papa Pia!

♪ Who's the winner that's causing a fascination? ♪

♪ Sweeping the nation, quaine of the game ♪

Jenny Hart, she's so smart. ♪

- That's me! - Okay, I can't do this anymore.

- David, please, no. - No. No. No, no, no, David.

They are letting you win.

What?

Wait, you guys are losing to me on purpose?

Um...

Look who made a flan, y'all.

So let's all stop the freakin' and have some soothing flan.

Jenny, flan? Flan, Jenny? Jenny? Flan?

Come on.

Fun to say, more fun to eat.

Travis?

Honey, from day one we swore

we would never lie to each other and that we would always

maintain a clear and honest line of communication.

I believe you said that anything less would be a violation

of our love.

That's excellent, Wayne. Tell her the truth.

Jenny...

you have won fair and square.

- What? - Thank you, baby.

Okay, so if you aren't letting her win,

why is there a secret stack

of "Win a thousand dollars" cards in this Dorito bag?

Bro, yeah, um,

what those are, uh, bro...

- It's a contest. - Yes. Contest.

I kept wanting to say "rodeo," but then I remembered

the word I was looking for, and it's "contest."

- Contest. - Oh, Doritos has been offering

loose Monopoly cards in their bags forever.

Yeah, just like we get Uno cards in Funyuns

or loose dominoes in Chex Mix.

I can't count the number of times I've cracked

a molar on a Scrabble tile

in my Entenmann's Lemon Streusel.

That's happened to all of us, right? Vi, help me.

We've been letting you win!

But I am good at this game.

I would have beaten you with or without your help.

Of course you would have.

We barely did anything.

You know what?

Okay.

Oh, wow. Great.

So let's burn all the board games in the house

and never speak of this day again, like a normal family.

- Cool. Great idea, Vi. - Yep, yes. Sounds great.

- I'm on it. - Yes, that is it.

No, no, no, no, no, you misunderstood.

We're done with this game, and now we're gonna play

every game for realsos, and I'm gonna scramble your butts.

Report of a loud disturbance

at 309 Oakwood Terrace.

Ooh. This is so exciting.

Put the hammer down, Smokies.

You two distract them, I'll plant the drugs.

And if the bag feels any lighter,

it's because some spilt out naturally.

Just stay in the car, Betty.

You weren't out with your mama.

You were at Dave & Buster's with Crishell and Alizé.

Oh, now you're just being a bitch.

You know Crishell's in the hospital

from getting hit on the head by a drone.

And Alizé's got that thing where her brain

won't let her leave the house.

Same thing every week.

Okay, you two. Let's de-escalate this.

And I'm gonna ask y'all respectfully to keep your bodies

contained in your tank tops this time.

I am trying to avoid the tornado of butts and boobies.

Don't you see what's going on here?

They're the kind of couple that needs a dust-up

to get horned up.

- Let me get in there. - Betty.

Shelby, you know there's more to it than Dave & Buster's.

There is. What had happened was,

I was about to order a birthstones necklace off QVC,

and Zeke grabbed my phone and told Lisa Rinna

that my credit card was maxed out.

Truth bomb?

Zeke, you need to mind your own business.

Let Shelby make her own mistakes.

A-thank a-you.

I'm so pissed, there's a rumble in my Umbros as per now.

Oh, Zeke.

Sometimes all you need is some truth bombs.

What's next, boys?

Hey, Jeremy, hon,

let yourself be loved.

Calvin, baby, stop mistaking your sadness for anger.

Dennis, shug,

you know stealing cars won't bring your dad back.

Okay.

Well, I've lost every game we played for the last six hours.

Risk, Candy Land. Even a freakin' coin flip.

And guess what I realized.

- So sorry, Mom. - You see, Jenny? It's gonna be okay.

I've realized that y'all are a bunch of lying cheaters.

You want me to think I'm no good at games.

Yeah, so you must have rigged everything.

Probably stuck a magnet - in the Pop- - O-Matic,

you loosened that Mouse Trap so it would crap out on me.

Not only did you mess with the Scrabble tiles,

filling them up with bunk-ass letters like "R" and "I,"

but you went so far

as to mess with every dictionary in this house!

- What? - Mm-hmm. I know there are pages

in these dictionaries that y'all tore out.

'Cause I am damn sure I had a triple-word score here,

but then when I go look it up in the dictionary,

the pages containing the very common words

"squamp," "doornishaand" and "iriri" are somehow missing.

Shame on you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to squamp

this conversation because all of your iriris need to be what?

- Doornishaanded? - Doornishaanded? - Doornishaanded?

Doornishaanded.

Those guys are cheating butts.

There's no way I suck at every game.

I'm a winner.

There's, like, a million songs about me.

Who's the... revelation ♪

That... something sensation? ♪

Okay, here we go.

Pure, untainted competition.

Time to prove my theory is right.

- Ow! - Hey, what's your name?

- Melody. - Aw, that's so cute.

Okay, me and Melody are about to crush some spirits.

Are you someone's mom?

Oh, I'm about to be all your moms.

Let's play!

Melody, move your stick.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, that's great, kick the ball backwards.

But you hit that.

'Cause you distracted me, Melody.

Melody, focus.

We are only as good as our weakest link,

and right now our weakest link is named Melody!

Goal!

What do we got next?

A 503? A 10-80 in progress?

Oh, I know what those are.

An above-ground pool collapse,

and that thing where a Vietnam vet's wheelchair

is stuck in a train track and the train's coming.

Tug, congratulations, you nailed it.

Betty, you taught me something today.

I've never seen someone stop an armed robbery in progress

by calling the perp's mom.

You have so many perps' moms' phone numbers.

I'm a mom guru. People need a truth bomb, they call me up.

That's why my family is happy and stable as hell.

Oh, Lord, look at this bouquet of crazy daisies.

Mom?

Girl, what on God's green Earth is going on?

I was playing-- I was winning-- and then these little turd sacks

started cheating and they won't admit it,

- but I was winning. - No, you weren't.

Well, now, little girl, I know you must be mistaken

because my Jenny doesn't lose.

She is the bestest, smartest ever.

Betty, could I drop a little truth bomb on you now?

Last time I saw a woman talking to her grown daughter that way,

it was one of those Munchausen situations.

Some documentary on Netflix.

It is nothing like that.

Historically, it's just easier

if I let Jenny win, that's all.

Wait, so you have been letting me win?

Yes, shuggy. I have.

Why? Why would you do that to me?

Why wouldn't you just let me lose?

Because you had lost enough.

You were just eight years old when your daddy died.

Playing games was your favorite thing to do with your daddy.

Look at that.

Who's the bestest, smartest little girl?

Jenny!

And then, when he passed,

I decided you had lost enough for one lifetime.

So you thought you were protecting me.

Hate to say it, but guilty as charged.

Well, damn it, I want to hate you for it,

but it's just too sweet.

Ooh, yippee.

I landed on Go To Jail.

Everyone has to give me $500.

Uh...

Now, I want to tell you something,

but I also don't want you to shove a thimble in my eye.

Let me guess, the first person in jail doesn't get $500?

No, Mother. Much like real jail, it's punitive.

And I'm assuming you also don't get one free reroll

if you were born in 1990?

Mm-mm.

Hey, Miss Jenny.

Oh, you again.

Did you preemptively call the cops on me?

Well, actually, I'm here to, uh, pick up your mother.

Sorry, I'm gonna have to abandon my real estate empire.

Maybe I'll even end up doing a little undercover work.

The wheels of justice may turn slow,

but Betty Hart moves fast.

Yes! Boardwalk!

I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win... ♪

On second thought, we might need that cop.

I'm gonna win. ♪

- Tweezers. - Tweezers.

Wayne. What the hell?

Sorry. It's the zap, Jenny.

It-it sends me over the edge.

Wayne, I need you to chill. This funny bone has to come out.

Mom, you're being way too intense.

- Jenny, I got this. - He's got it.

Stop yelling!

Well, you killed me.

But the good news is, you lose.

And I win!

I think I liked you better when you were my landlord.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH