Original subtitles

Oof, who farted?

It wasn't me. I haven't farted a day in my life.

Which one of you did it? Fess up.

Please stop talking about farts.

Can we circle back to Gram saying

she's never farted a day in her life?

-'Cue's up! -Ugh, none for me.

I lost my appetite due to your ass-smelling yard.

Oh, yeah. The skunk population is exploding this year.

I don't know what happened, but the skunks have had

a very horny springtime.

Well, that horny springtime

is turning into a very stanky summer.

-You need to clean this up. -They're not in my yard.

It's Dr. Chakrabarti's. I'll go talk to her.

Hi, Wayne.

Okay, now, don't try to sweet-talk me, Dr. Chakrabarti.

You got to do something about your yard.

My yard? We've been over this, Wayne.

Why would I allow a seasonal skunk orgy

on my land, huh?

They ruined my papasan chair with their musky lovemaking.

No, no, no. These skunks are your problem, Wayne.

No, ma'am. My property ends at that truck tire.

That's why the truck tire's there.

No, no, no. My land stops at the iridescent orb.

Dr. Chakrabarti, an iridescent orb

is not legally binding.

Neither is a truck tire.

Okay, we're gonna settle this once and for all.

The land in dispute is right here.

Skunktown.

What the hell is Skunktown?

Yet another person who missed

my five-part library lecture series

on the history of Greenpoint.

Oh, how did I miss that?

-Yeah, could you just give us a quick... Skunks

first colonized this land

-in 1794. -♪ ♪

With the arrival

of European settlers, an uneasy truce

was established tween man and skunk.

Gifts were exchanged.

Treaties were struck...

and broken.

A feud ignited,

resulting in the Battle of Skunktown.

Skunk and man lost life.

The skunks learned the hard way

you can't bring an anal gland to a gunfight.

Somebody should put that on a T-shirt.

I'm already on it.

So, yeah, about the land?

Yes. Skunktown was annexed

in 1970 to 843 Tipton Drive.

No! That's my address.

Aw, you got to be joking.

Ugh. Looks like we've got some skunks to battle.

Better prep your anal glands, Wayne.

Great. Now I have to deal with these skunks,

not to mention the headache

of having to move my property line tire.

Yeah, if only that tire was in the shape of something

that would make it move easier.

Wayne, get rid of the skunks and build something

on that land it turns out you own.

You could build a mini golf course.

Or an outdoor escape room.

If it's outdoors, could people just, I don't know, leave?

Not if the walls are mirrors.

Couple of loonies.

Let's celebrate with drinks at Tipsy River.

Uh, I don't want to go to Tipsy River.

I don't want to bother my meemaw

-while she's working. -Let's not push it.

He's embarrassed of his country-ass grandma.

Don't be embarrassed of your meemaw, Wayne.

She's fun.

There he is. The son of the cutie

who shot out of my ha-hooey.

It's my grandson, y'all. Hoot 'n' Haw!

Come on, everybody, say it with me.

-Hoot 'n' Haw! Hoot 'n' Haw!

That's what we Edwards do when we see each other.

-Yes, Meemaw. We all know.

Hoot 'n' Haw! Come on, Wayne.

Hoot 'n' Haw!

-Hoot 'n' Haw.

Hey, y'all. Jimmy Lee, your burger's up.

You mind getting it? I got to talk to my grandson.

So, did y'all hear me and Ned broke up?

Yeah. Lord.

I caught that horny-ass, dried-up gnome

rubbing his nephew's step-aunt's feet.

Uh, keep it down, Meemaw.

Packed my things, took Uncle Tommy

and hauled ass out of there.

It's a hell of a thing being adrift.

-No place to call home. -Well, this is perfect, Meemaw,

'cause Wayne just discovered he got

-a whole other parcel of land.

-Mm-mm. -But luckily, I'm good.

Yeah. Robert Plant's coming to the coliseum this weekend.

We're gonna crash with him.

Wait, like, Led Zeppelin's Robert Plant?

Yeah, Vi. Meemaw used to be a groupie.

And not during his crap Led Zeppelin era.

We're talking Honeydrippers.

And you can bet there's gonna be

some "good rockin' at midnight."

-We beat you once, skunks.

We'll beat you again!

The Second Battle of Skunktown

was threatening to be even bloodier

-than the first.

No! Wayne, we're being overrun!

I'm taking so many butt spurts.

Me, too. Oh! Jenny.

-Jenny! -Yes?

Should we just call Exterminex?

Yeah, let's do that.

Damn, they are good.

Look at your land, Wayne. Oh, it's beautiful.

I'm so excited. I want to make it into something

that'll make you and Betty proud.

Huh?

Oh, no.

Hey, y'all. We're moving in.

Hoot 'n' Haw!

No, no, no. Meemaw, wait.

What happened with Robert Plant?

His wife found me hiding in the business center.

Yeah, busted. Then I realized

I can park myself on Wayne's new land.

Meemaw, no. No, no, no.

We got to get her out of here. If she unpacks,

she'll be here even longer than the skunks were.

Just trading one infestation for another.

-Uncle Tommy, get back here.

This is a disaster. Oh, look,

Dr. Chakrabarti and Betty are already staring.

Oh, Wayne, don't be embarrassed. He's just a little boy.

Your grandmother and her son, your uncle,

need a place to say.

It's not just gonna be Meemaw and Uncle Tommy.

When there's one, there's thousands.

Trust me, you give these people an inch, they'll take a yard.

And by that I mean they'll fully take control of your yard

and everything in it.

-Wayne, quit being

such a judgy butt about your own family.

-What?

Jenny-- you, Betty and Vi should just go on home.

-Y'all don't need to see all this. -No.

You always keep your fam at arm's length.

I am so excited to finally meet them.

Okay, who am I looking at here?

Well... Uh, twin ladies

in the pickup truck with all the fishing poles

are my cousins Deb and Jubel.

The lady with the crossbow is Aunt Donna.

And the girl riding beside her on the cooler scooter

in the American flag bikini?

-Is that her daughter? -No.

That's my Great-Aunt Caroline.

The younger one is your great-aunt?

They're country, Jenny.

No one is the age they're supposed to be.

Oh, and that guy who looks like an old prospector

is my second cousin Dean.

-He's a prospector.

And that woman with the faraway look

is Aunt Faroway.

Is she in black and white?

Just go inside.

I'll make this whole thing go away.

No, we're gonna welcome them with open arms.

Jenny, no. Do not. I forbid you.

"Forbid"?

Oh, you just pushed a button.

Hey, Meemaw! Everyone!

What do y'all want to eat and drink?

-Bad idea. Don't do this. -Hey, Vi?

-Can you run up to the Quick Mart... -Stop talking.

...and get some drinks and stuff for our guests?

Okay, let me make sure I have this right.

I've got four Dr. Mister Cherries,

a six-pack of Bulletproof Extremes,

ten Diet Klutz Regular and ten Diet Klutz Chuggers,

a three-liter bottle of Mountain Inferno, Professor Purple,

-Diet Professor Purple. I don't know what this is,

but a snifter of Caffeine Avalanche,

Lemon Whack Bold

and the latest issue of American Fun Club?

Yep, sounds like everything.

Violet, would you be a darling

-and take Uncle Tommy with you?

Meemaw, no. You know what? I'll just go.

-Violet cannot handle Uncle Tommy.

Excuse me? Who watches Gram during her wine naps?

I think I can handle it.

No, you can't handle it.

And you just pushed a button.

Friggin' Hart women.

I can totally handle it. Come on, Uncle Tommy!

-Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

Look at this boonie-ass mess.

Don't any of them have shoes?

Oh, Mother, stop being such a snob.

It's not like you grew up in London, England.

I'm just saying you can trade up.

Go to an airport bar. Sidle up to a pilot

or a brain surgeon or a jazz musician.

Who do you think is flying through our tee-tiny airport?

Violet might be a turnoff,

but we can send her to overnight summer school

-till you win him over. -Hey, y'all want some peach wine?

No, thank you.

I got my seasonal box wine that retails for $16.99.

-Thank you, though. -Meemaw,

we would love to try your peach wine.

Well, normally I prefer my fruit-flavored wines

in slush form, but I'll have a thimble sip,

because that is what a woman of polite society does.

Oh, brother. Fill her up.

-Not bad.

Yes. Very passable.

I'll have another snort.

Oh, now, careful, Betty.

That's stronger than normal wine.

It's technically considered a Class I controlled substance.

I think I know how to handle myself.

Hoot 'n' Haw!

-Hoot 'n' Haw!

"You can't handle Tommy."

Ha. Well, guess who is a-handling it?

-What the...?

No. No! How the hell did he move so quickly?

Oh, of course.

The power of sugar.

Uncle Tommy!

Okay, think, Violet. Think.

If you were a ten-year-old feral ADHD boy,

where would you hide?

Ha.

Nice try, Tommy Boy.

Aha! I got you.

Okay. That was not a dumb guess, though.

When I came home from work,

there he was, cradling that strumpet's feet

-like they was a newborn baby.

That raisin-bodied sumbitch.

But I love him. I still do.

Wayne, your grandmother is crying her eyes out.

Or is she throwing up?

Either way, she's not doing good.

I think we need to go talk to Ned.

To try and get them to leave?

No, to be supportive, like family.

Where does Ned live?

Up where most in Haw.

Wait. Are you saying "Hall"?

H-A-W. Haw.

It's out off Highway 98, past Delk.

Wait, isn't that just... the woods?

Yes! And there's no way I'm going back to Haw,

and neither are you.

Oh, you just pushed a button.

No!

Oh, this is cute.

"Don't go to Haw." Baloney!

Haw is darling.

Aw, she looks nice.

Oh, look. Got a sweet little church.

Oh, I love that architecture.

I've always said they don't

make enough square churches.

I'm gonna die in this hellhole!

Um, sorry to interrupt your leather smithing...

uh, Ned?

Maybe. Depends on who's asking.

And just know, I can have a dozen dogs surrounding you

with just one whistle.

Uh, Jenny. Jenny Hart.

Oh, hell. Wayne's old lady?

Yeah. Is that bad?

Everything's bad.

I miss my woman. I'm upset.

And when I'm upset,

the only thing that calms my nerves is leatherworking.

I'm making a duster.

You seen Meemaw?

She won't tell me where she is.

Well, yes. She's on a little plot of land

that belongs to Wayne.

Wayne's known where she's been this whole time?

That sumbitch!

He knew where Meemaw was

and did not tell me.

Therefore, he lied by omission.

And now we gotta duel.

I'm sorry, did you say "duel"?

Yes. Duel.

Out here, we live by the old ways.

But you're, like, ten minutes away from an airport.

Tell your boy Wayne it's time to duel.

Duel...!

Uncle Tommy?

-Tommy?

-Uncle Tommy?

Tommy!

Come on, Violet, you said you could handle it.

Now you have to handle it.

All I have to do is...

dig deeper...

and think like him.

Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

Okay, okay.

-♪ ♪ -I see a bench. Kick.

Tree.

Kick.

Rock.

Hmm, what do I do? Bite it? Sure!

Then what?

Throw. Yes!

Where? Car!

-Now I panic.

Ooh, I'm scared. Good. Yes. I run into the woods.

I roll in crap for some natural camo.

Yes, yes!

Zigzag run!

Spit! Kick!

Duck behind a tree.

Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

Wayne! Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne.

How do I put this?

-I talked to Ned. -Jenny, what?

-You talked to Ned? -Well, first of all, I can go where I want.

And secondly, OMG, Ned is so funny.

At least I think he was being funny.

I hope he was being funny.

'Cause he challenged you to a duel, and I was like,

"Huh, a duel? Come on, man." And then he said, "Yeah, duel."

And he pulled out what I'm pretty sure was a real live gun,

even though it was cartoonishly big.

But yep, he definitely said the word "duel."

What?

So he's done that joke on you, too?

It's not a joke.

The Edwardses duel.

-We're duelers! -What?!

Why do you think there's ten women to every one man?

Well, I don't know,

I just assumed it was heart disease or something.

No! 80% of our deaths are duel-based.

This isn't real. Am I in a nightmare?

Wayne Edwards, you have betrayed my trust.

Therefore, I hereby challenge you

-to a duel.

Okay, now I'm in the woods.

Where do I go? What do I do?

A shiny hubcap! What do I do with shiny things?

I bite them.

Ugh, it tastes bad.

I need water. I drink the water.

It also tastes bad.

I spit it out.

I see a skunk staring straight at me. Aah!

Hee-hee-hee...

Okay, I'm genuinely scared now.

Well, lookee who decided to show up.

You all out of foot rubs, Ned?

I told you, woman,

that foot rub was not sexual in nature.

She was having a cramp.

Well, you could've fed her a banana,

you leathery old horndog.

Okay, well, I think it's time to settle this the right way.

A healing, nice long chat sesh?

No! A duel.

-Or, watch me.

Hey, look what I'm doing. Whoo! Look at my feet!

Look at my crazy legs!

Jenny, I'm-a need you to step aside.

Mmm.

I, Wayne Edwards, of sound mind,

do hereby accept your challenge...

to duel.

Oh, my Lord, Mother, what have I done?

You got to talk to Meemaw. We can't do this.

You're right.

I'll talk to her.

Are you as horned up as I am right now?

Hoot 'n' Haw!

Great. Is this what you wanted, Jenny?

To get to know my family?

Well, this right here is what it is.

-My family. Take your positions!

You have been called to the field of honor.

-Excited in your no-no spot yet? -No!

I mean, that is crazy. I am not okay with this.

Oh, my God, he looks like a walking Young Guns reboot.

No! Jenny, don't!

One.

Two.

-Three. -No!

Oh, my God, Wayne. Wayne, are you okay?

This is insane. I want to tongue-kiss you. What?!

Wait. Why do you smell like Arby's?

I faked getting shot.

-It's the only way to get rid of Meemaw. -What?

Because in front of God and everybody,

my dastardly plan to tear y'all apart has been foiled.

Which means-- oh, God, I'm just now realizing this--

that you will now return to Haw.

And as much as it pains me to admit this,

that I accept that all my extended family

will follow you, rather than grace my...

property with your familial presence.

Well, what do you say, Sarah Fay?

Will you have me back?

I would say yes, but...

I smell a rat.

-Yep, this is Horsey Sauce.

You know what, Meemaw? It is.

'Cause all this is horse crap.

-Our dumb traditions,

our backwards, country-ass family,

our-our Hoot 'n' Haws,

all y'all barefoot, peach wine-drinking squatters,

y'all are a country nightmare!

Looks like someone did get shot today.

Me. Right in the heart.

Let's go, everybody.

Ha!

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Cousin Violet, you came looking for me.

People never look for me.

Probably 'cause no one knows how to find you.

But you found me.

Yeah, well, I got skills.

Come on, let's get you home.

This is why I keep my family at arm's length.

The more you see, the more you'll know

that I'm nothing but a country bumpkin,

and you're not gonna like it, and... you're gonna leave me.

Wayne...

no.

I mean, even this skunk doesn't want to waste his spray on me.

Thanks, but I know you're just being nice.

Skunk, make yourself at home. Everyone else has.

This is my life now, Jenny. I'm the mayor of Skunktown.

Wayne, you've witnessed my mother scam a toddler,

dine and dash at church potluck,

and backhand a Shriner.

But you love her and I love her,

'cause her crazy ass made me who I am.

Just like I love your crazy-ass family.

And you.

Exactly the way y'all are.

I love you, too.

Wait. Where's Betty?

Meemaw, I got to tell you,

you did a hell of a job with Wayne.

And don't ever tell him I said this,

but he's a good, good man.

You know, when he met Jenny, I knew he'd found the one.

He said he met a girl, but then he didn't bring her around,

and I would call and say,

"What happened, Wayne?

"You and this new girl get abducted by a UFO,

like your Aunt Jubel?"

-I knew he was ashamed.

-Not ashamed. -He's not. He really loves you.

Hey, let's just stop talking.

'Cause I know you want to help me make these dumplings.

I do.

Give me a Hoot 'n' Haw!

Hoot 'n' Haw!

Buck muted my Facebook posts about how cell phone towers

shrink your ding-a-ling,

so we got us a duel!

Hoot 'n' Haw!

After the Battle of Skunktown,

skunk and man learned to coexist in relative harmony.

Local lore even contends that an army general

married a skunk,

though it has never been proven.

Does that general look like Wayne?

-Yeah. He's got skunk blood. -Meemaw!

A man and a skunk can't procreate.

Oh, hell yes, they can.

Tell me more!

I got some theories of my own.

I need to hear all of them.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH