Original subtitles

Eat kilowatts, you dumb bug.

Yes! Take that, you bloodsucker.

-Here you go, milady. -Aw.

Thank you, Wayne.

Don't you guys have an anniversary coming up?

Yep. Ten years.

Lord, has it been ten years?

Well, that makes sense, 'cause y'all do look a lot older.

Good news is I haven't changed a bit.

That's a whole decade. Wow.

What are you guys gonna do to celebrate?

Well, you know, we're both working so much.

Yeah, probably just go to the Great Sydney Steakhouse.

Come home. Ooh! Watch a crime show, maybe?

That sounds fun.

Be in bed by 9:00. Wow.

We really used to do it up on our anniversary, huh?

Now we're just watching bugs kamikaze to their deaths.

So you slowed down.

It's a natural part of the human condition.

Just sliding slowly into oblivion,

counting the days until you buy a walk-in bathtub,

all the while wondering where the fun went.

These bugs have it figured out.

They live a week and die in their prime.

You made the right choice, bug.

Dang, a top-of-the-line Wet Heaven Pro-Snorkel

Water-Based Relaxation System.

I got to say, I'm a little jealous.

Hey, how close are you boys to being done?

Daddy needs his soak, or Daddy gets cranky.

N-No, I'm sorry.

I-I was talking about my actual dad.

He's very unpleasant.

Well, we're almost done here. This thing's a real beauty.

Something wrong with this one?

Uh, no. She still purrs like a kitten.

But when you're living the Jacuzzi lifestyle,

you got to stay current, got to keep the party fresh.

Yeah, I could use a little party in my life.

We'll probably never have a Jacuzzi, though.

I see the way you're looking at my old girl.

How about you take her off my hands? No charge.

Are you kidding me? I can't even begin to thank you.

This can be Jenny's anniversary gift.

We've been told we're sliding into oblivion.

Yeah, I was like you once.

Feeling boxed in by the stifling cubicle some call life.

Wondering if there could be a better way, a chiller way.

Getting this 'cuzz changed everything.

Let me ask you something, Wayne.

-How old do you think I am? -I don't know, 50?

Wayne, I have no idea how old I am.

First I lost my watch,

then I lost my calendar.

I'm on island time now.

For all I know, I'm 15,000 years old.

Whoa.

But I got to warn you--

the 'cuzz life is not for everyone.

Once your twig and berries hit that 104-degree water,

well, you're committing to a vacation that never stops.

Is that a threat? 'Cause that sounds like

the greatest threat in the world.

Daddy needs his soak!

Oh, Daddy.

Surprise anniversary present?

Ta-da!

Wayne, oh, my Lord.

A hot tub?!

How's that for fun and spontaneous?

Or should I say "spont-Wayne-eous"?

I just thought of that.

Did ya?

Well, I-I thought of it very recently.

It wasn't just... right now.

I love this hot tub!

And I love you.

Ooh, look at that Martina McBride boho peasant blouse.

40% off.

I'm about to put you 100% on.

Oh, hell no. If it's on the flier,

it better be on the floor.

I need to speak with the manager. Julian!

God, I'd rather drown myself in a toilet.

Good morning, Betty! How can I help you?

I was told there would be ample stock

of the Martina McBride peasant blouse,

and yet there are none to be found.

That's a bait and switch, which is a felony.

Ms. Hart, I am not a sorcerer.

I cannot simply make Martina McBride blouses

appear out of thin air.

You should've gotten here earlier.

Oh, BS, Julian.

I know there's a secret stash of the good stuff in the back.

-Ma'am, we do not... -Don't you "ma'am" me, Julian.

-Well, I will ma'am you, ma'am. -I know you know my name. You just said it.

-Yes, I do know your name, ma'am. Ma'am. -I eagerly await the day

-you get replaced by a self-scanner machine. -That won't happen, ma'am.

Ms. Hart! I will not have you coming in here

and insulting me on a weekly basis anymore.

I am hereby permanently banning you from Krull's.

No!

Lady, do not rag-doll us.

Do not Jean-Claude Van Damme us, either.

-Oof.

Mm.

These jets really know a waitress' bod.

I am in heaven.

Hot tub party!

Doug! Peter! I hope you don't mind.

They helped me put it in, so I told 'em

they can stop by anytime.

We brought some gettin' loose juice!

And a hat for the 'cuzz ship captain.

This is so cool.

I'm a hot tub captain.

I can legally marry anyone in this tub.

Marry me and Doug.

'Cause I want his lizards when he dies.

Hold on.

Wayne.

Jenny.

I love it. I love everything about it!

I love the jets. I love the moist heat.

I love the party atmosphere.

I love your tiny shorts.

I love how open my sinuses are.

And I especially love that sexy-ass captain's hat.

There isn't a woman alive who can resist a man

in a captain's hat.

You idiots rock!

Take that, our former selves.

We're never getting old!

Of all the days to get banned,

why did it have to be right before the Founders Day sale?

There's just no way to sneak in there undetected.

Y'all, I might have to make a scene

-in my own home.

Shh. All we need to do is disguise you.

No. You can't hide this light under a bushel.

This is a powerful light.

You're in good hands, Gram.

David has a thing for costumes.

Let's just say my closet makes RuPaul's closet

look like Tim Allen's closet.

Let's get to work.

Chicken fight!

-Yeah!

Whirlpool!

-Whirlpool!

I am Jenny Hart,

and this is hot tub waterski!

Yes, we are, baby!

We need to build a new character from the ground up.

She's perfect.

Mm, not yet, she's not.

The transformation can't just be on the outside.

You need to become this new character.

Ooh, let's role-play.

You're in Krull's

and the salesman says, "Excuse me, ma'am.

I'm afraid your coupon is expired."

I'd say, "Your life is about to be expired."

Then, after high-fiving myself, I find a beer bottle,

-break it on the counter... -Uh, Gram?

"Oh, heavens.

"I couldn't read the date.

My eyes just aren't what they used to be."

Then, once I got his defenses down,

I give him the old eyes, throat, crotch.

Then I look for a beer bottle,

-break it over... -Gram.

So I just say a bunch of nice bullcrap, and that's it?

Do you want to get back into Krull's or not?

Let's try it again.

Your coupon is denied.

Well, that's quite all right, you sweet young man.

I'm happy to pay full price if those are the rules.

Betty Jean Hart,

that was perfect.

Betty Hart, who's that?

My name...

is Rhonda Witherspoon.

She's ready.

She's more than ready.

She's Rhonda.

Jenny, doesn't it feel good to let loose again?

Oh, my God, yes.

Now, what do you say

we take this party back to my room, Captain?

-Oh, yeah.

Uh, requesting permission to sexually dock.

Permission granted.

I'm gonna escort the captain back to his quarters and...

see if I can raise his anchor.

Oh, no, wait, that doesn't sound right.

I'm gonna put my hands around that big steering wheel and...

No, wait. I want to swab your poop deck.

Nope. I am not good at these.

I just want you to come to bed with me.

-I'm drunk, y'all!

...so the guy at the Hot Tub Supply Store says,

"Here's your chlorine."

And I say, "Have you met my friends?

You better double it."

Wayne, the party's still going?

What happened last night?

I did all those sexy boat euphemisms,

and then you never came to bed.

Well, let me think.

I had the captain's hat,

and then Meemaw lost her belly button ring,

so we had to turn off the jets to find that.

And then there was a conga line...

and then I couldn't find my captain's hat

and then I looked over and Doug had on my captain's hat...

Wayne, forget the captain's hat.

We can't handle a hot tub.

Oh, we can handle it.

It's giving us our spark back.

But there's no time for our spark

with all these people around.

We got people here I don't even know walking around.

Like, who is that lady?

No idea.

Ugh, I know it's our anniversary

and I can't believe I'm saying this, but...

I just want a boring dinner with you all to myself.

Can we do that? You and me?

Huge steak, way too much bread.

I'll even make the reservation. How's 7:30?

Aye aye, Captain.

Okay, well, I got to go to work.

Just try to hydrate today, okay?

Wait, who are all these people?

Oh, yeah, I met these guys at the quarry.

Hey, Captain, you got any old bread bags laying around?

We can't get our ankle monitors wet.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Look out, Krull's.

Here comes Rhonda Witherspoon.

David, no.

This little bird needs to fly on her own.

Don't try to weasel out of this, Julian.

A flier is a contract.

Ma'am, only children's clothes are half off today.

Now, I don't have my glasses on, but as far as I can tell,

those are clearly full-grown men.

Who are my children.

So by definition, their clothes should be on sale!

My stars! Now, we all know that "children"

is referring to an age and not a relationship to the mother.

Honey, do not transfer the pain that is going on in your life

to this angel of a man, who is clearly doing his best.

-Ugh.

Well, aren't you an absolute breath of fresh air?

I'm Julian. You look very familiar.

Have we crossed paths before?

Well, I don't see how. The name's Rhonda Witherspoon.

Just moved here from Nashville, Music City.

Well, welcome to Greenpoint. What can I help you with today?

I'm attending a Save the Earth fundraiser,

and I was hoping to wear...

The... Martina McBride boho peasant blouse?

-How did you know? -It's my job to know.

I have one in the back. Follow me.

Oh, bless your sweet heart!

Freakin' knew it.

Looks like a dingo ate your boyfriend.

-What? -It's just a joke I do

when people are being stood up.

-Lightens the mood. -I'm not being stood up.

Can I get you a Blossoming Onion?

Single portion, hon?

No, I will take two Blossoming Onions,

because my boyfriend definitely will be here.

Fair dinkam, y'all. I mean "mite."

Please don't tell my manager I broke character.

First I lost my watch. Then I lost my calendar.

I'm on island time now.

Well, it really has been such a pleasure meeting you, Rhonda.

Oh, the pleasure was all mine!

Rhonda, would you like to come to my house for dinner?

Oh, Julian!

Well, I guess I should be going.

It's getting so late. Isn't it, you little angel?

She is just a little angel, yes, she is!

Okay, let's get you to bed.

So nice to meet you, Rhonda.

The pleasure was all mine.

Okay, well, I guess I'm off.

Rhonda, Rhonda, listen.

Can I tell you something?

Ever since I met you, you've shown me

that it is not a weakness to be kind.

-Oh. No, Julian, don't... -No, no, no. Let me finish.

Would you like to come with me

to the special Krull's friends and family event tomorrow?

It's a secret sale. Not open to the public.

Usually everybody takes their mom or aunt or something,

but I've never had anyone I felt I could bring before.

Until now.

I don't know what to say, Julian.

Well, just say yes.

Yes!

Hey! Wayne's here! -He made it!

A red Wayne and a white Wayne spritzah!

You know what? Your accent is stupid!

♪ Well, I'm a hot tub daddy ♪

♪ Have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Captain of the bubbles ♪

♪ The king of the 'cuzz ♪

Thanks, number hula girls!

Take it away, snakeheads!

♪ Well, he's a hot tub daddy ♪

♪ Have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Captain of the bubbles ♪

♪ King of the cu... ♪ Uh-oh.

♪ I'm a hot tub... ♪

Oh, no.

Oh, God, Jenny!

I'm so sorry. I'm such an idiot.

I lost track of time.

Oh, you going to the tiki bar?

Yeah, have a drink. That's fun.

Oh, just gonna just chug it straight from the bottle?

Okay.

Oh. Gonna join us?

Good sign.

Oh. Getting in the tub with all your clothes on.

Doing a fun squat?

Oh, Lord, she's peeing.

-Everybody out.

I'm actually fine with this.

Come on, Jenny.

I'm so sorry. So crazy.

I don't know what happened to me, but I am so sorry.

Please, let me make it up to you.

I know I messed up,

but who pees in a hot tub full of people? Come on.

Well, you peed on our relationship.

You don't think that's a little fancy

for a sale at a chain retail store?

Oh, this isn't just a sale.

It's the friends and family event.

I just have to look perfect,

'cause it's gonna be a real fancy to-do.

Cheeses you never heard of.

Kobe beef sliders.

I'm thinking a multitiered champagne fountain.

I highly doubt Krull's

would have a multitiered champagne fountain.

Rhonda!

You look absolutely stunning.

Everybody, please give a warm welcome

to my dear, dear friend,

Rhonda Witherspoon.

-Yes, he's... -Now, without further ado,

I present to you...

all of the sizes we said we were out of!

Welcome to all the designer names

Joanna Gaines,

Bethenny Frankel,

leather shoulderless blouses by Bonnie Raitt,

scarves by Johnny Galecki.

What's this I'm feeling?

It's not guilt, is it?

No, it's... it's got to be

all those crab-stuffed mushrooms I ate.

No. It's guilt. Damn you, Julian!

Why'd you have to show me your cute-ass family?

Don't forget what a turd he was to Betty.

But Betty was a turd, too.

Oh, would you just get out of my head, Rhonda!

-Rhonda, I have a little surprise for you.

Oh, I don't deserve a surprise, do I?

The Martina McBride boho skirt that matches

the peasant blouse?!

I thought they were discontinued.

Well, not for you, they're not.

Oh, uh, I don't know.

What is wrong with you? Try it on.

-Maybe I should just go. -What?

Don't be ridiculous.

Uh, um...

Betty Hart?

I'm sorry, Julian.

So, you finally discovered

the dark side of the bubbly oasis.

-What? -As soon as you got the tub,

the crowds starting coming. Cheering you on?

Making you feel like the king of the party?

Yep. I was trying to recapture my youth

and ride that wave forever.

Son, hot tub friendships are flightier than a flock of gulls

looking for a bread crumb on a boardwalk.

If you're not careful, you'll lose it all chasing that high.

And soon you'll be an empty shell of a man

with no real friends, three ex-wives that hate your guts

and a mean dad who lives in your attic.

Well, those details seem awfully specific to you,

but I get what you're saying.

Well, it's too late

for me now, but there's still time for you.

Stay steamy, friend.

You're probably not gonna eat that, right?

No. Go ahead.

Betty Hart. About to rub it in my face

how you made me look like a fool.

No. I came to say I'm sorry.

When I started this, I was doing it

to get back at you for banning me.

But being Rhonda Witherspoon with you

has made me a better woman.

I started out wanting to trick you,

but you ended up tricking me

into being a better person

and a good friend.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Really? I'm unbanned?

Only after I see you in that outfit.

Which one?

The Martina McBride, you knickknack.

Oh, it was way too big.

What? No.

I swear. It swallowed me whole.

-You sold it? -I had to.

I'm sorry, Wayne.

Me, too. But I didn't like

what that hot tub turned me into.

But it just felt so good

having so many people want to be around me.

But, Wayne, that wasn't about the tub.

People always want to be around you,

'cause you're Wayne freakin' Edwards.

I mean, you are so sweet and funny and fun, and...

you're still the captain.

Captain of my heart.

Happy anniversary, Jenny.

Happy anniversary, Wayne.

Hey, who ended up taking our tub?

Yeah, I donated it to a senior center.

Aw. So sweet.

Hallelujah.

Nancy, put your top on.

Nancy, put your bottoms on.

Wait a minute.

Do I smell marijuana?

Jesse! Where did you two get that tequila?

Get that blender out of the tub.

Uh-oh, Monty's having a heart attack.

Get that blender back in the tub!

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH