Original subtitles

♪ I got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart ♪

♪ Where? ♪

♪ Down in my heart to stay. ♪

Oh, Lord, that megachurch next door

must be having another one of their Lord-a-Paloozas.

Shut up out there, you heathens!

I can't hear myself praying for a night with Richard Gere!

Now, now, let's not yell at our neighbors.

They're bringing more people to the Lord,

and that's just good for everybody.

Attention, Bucklake parishioners.

Enter the raffle now

to win a brand-new, whiz-bang Trickster Sea-Doo!

A Sea-Doo? Those are the dirt bikes of the ocean!

Oh, uh, I forgot that my house is on fire.

Me, too! Uh, different house, though!

Me, too.

See you. Next Sunday.

Oh, such a beautiful service today.

Pastor Joanne, you knocked it out of the park.

I loved your joke about springtime.

"Spring is here.

I got so excited that I wet my plants!"

Look out, Ellen DeGeneres.

Bucklake Ministries.

Fun. Food. Community.

And now double the faith healings.

It's like if Jesus ran a Six Flags.

Ugh, look at that tacky minister.

Be healed!

If he can heal with his hands,

why'd he have to get all that plastic surgery?

As over-the-top as he is, some people seem to really love him.

It's hard to compete with all that pizzazz.

I'm thinking about dusting off my electric guitar

-for Easter services. No!

Pastor Joanne,

don't you dare pick up that electrical guitar!

Yes, you are an angel on this earth, Pastor Joanne.

All you got to do is just keep doing you.

Well, we might not have any ticket giveaways,

but we do have a good old-fashioned

pancake dinner fundraiser coming up.

We will for sure be there.

Whoa! -Bucklake!

Getting closer to God!

Are you gonna have a jetpack at your pancake dinner?

And then that megachurch did this whole

American Gladiators thing, and a guy came out

dressed like you and did the entire course.

So tacky.

Yeah, totally.

So the guy looked like me?

Well, yeah, except he was real chiseled and buff.

You must hate places like Bucklake.

All that showy hoo-ha.

You kidding me?

I love a megachurch.

All those people cheering for me?

That's as close as I'm ever gonna get to being Bono.

I just wish I could help out Pastor Joanne.

You know, slow down that megachurch a little.

Well, that Minister Mikey Buckley is, um...

What?

Oh, I don't like to gossip.

I shouldn't have said anything.

I knew it!

There is something up with that guy.

So what you're trying to tell me is

that if I went over there,

I could dig up the dirt on Buckley

and bring down that phony-baloney church?

No! That's not what I'm saying.

Well, if you don't want me digging,

just tell me what it is, then.

No can do-sies.

Come on!

You're such a cheeseball.

Sorry, guys. We don't carry...

lily of the valley,

nightshade, or any of the plants on here

that start with "poison."

Not even the lowly sumac?

Our garden of death is just gonna be a cactus

and some brown snapdragons.

Wait, what is that?

Whoa...

We sell these Jesus statues, you know, for people's gardens.

And usually people love 'em.

But this little guy is different.

Just got this crazy vibe.

Like he's been through a whole world of suffering.

It's like he's designed to make people regret things.

This version of Jesus is why my abuela never remarried.

Look how many times he's been marked down.

Nobody wants him. It's just too much for people to handle.

And I've done everything to try to get someone to take him.

I-I gave him a Hawaiian shirt,

a-a Dr. Seuss hat...

Did you try zany sunglasses?

Oh, the zaniest.

But those eyes pierce everything.

David, what do you think would happen

if we took this Jesus around town

and made people confront their worst life choices?

They would be hypnotized by guilt.

And, best case, they have a physical reaction to that?

Maybe an embarrassing one?

-Please, Wayne, get us this Jesus. -Wayne, can you get us

this Jesus?

Why?

For a... art project.

It's a photo essay about what happens

when people stop being polite and start seeing Jesus.

It's called Jesus.

Well, I would go with Real Saviors of Greenpoint,

but we can figure that out later.

Let's have some fun.

You want it here?

No, a little to the left.

I thought this guy was supposed to carry me.

No, that's too far.

-Perfect.

Okay, now hide.

I don't feel good about my choices.

I'm the garbage!

How did you know he was gonna litter?

Everyone litters.

Because people are trash.

Now, let's catch us some common shoplifters.

What the hell are we doing?

Don't look at me, Jesus. I'm disgusting.

I got to get my GED.

Okay, here's your...

Oh, mercy! Lord!

Let me get you an extra biscuit.

I am so sorry for everything.

Praise him! Praise you!

Oh, Lord!

Wait, but she didn't do anything wrong.

Why is she in your art project?

Oh, no, we just wanted free biscuits.

Hmm.

Mother, I think it's up to us

to do something about that megachurch.

Damn right. Let me go get

my "hitting" golf clubs.

Mother, we're not gonna hit anybody with golf clubs.

Good Lord. Just listen.

A little birdie told me that Minister Mikey

might have some skeletons.

Ooh, what are we talking?

Buried bodies?

Drug addiction?

Money laundering? Kid diddling?

I don't know yet,

a classic long con.

First we earn the trust of those closest to him.

We infiltrate the choir. Learn their songs. Study their quirks.

And then, when the time is right, we drop the hammer.

I used to love a good long con,

but who has time in the age of YouTube and Instasnap?

This has to be a short con.

Okay, why do you have a wheelchair

locked and loaded under your bed?

Every woman should have a wheelchair in her arsenal.

Is this a church service or Monday Night Raw?

Welcome to Bucklake.

Or should I say, "Welcome home"?

Our facial recognition software tells me you're new here.

Oh, what?

Please accept a coffee voucher to our Starbucks.

Y'all have a Starbucks in here?

Yep, right by the complimentary massage chairs.

And I'd also like to offer you your choice

of a new member hoodie or cozy ribbed cardigan.

I'll take a cardigan for myself

and a hoodie for my sweet invalid mother who's in hospice.

What? We're here.

I mean, we might as well rip 'em off, right?

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's about faith ♪

♪ Yeah, you got love... ♪

Ugh.

Everything here is so tacky.

-This high-quality cardigan. -Tacky.

These stupid comfortable seats

with adjustable armrests.

-Tacky. -And this dumb freakin'

lavender-flavored delicious latte.

Yeah, and the barista put too much whipped cream

in my hot co-coa.

Tacky.

Okay, we get the dirt on this plastic preacher,

get out of this phony-baloney circus,

and get to Pastor Joanne's Easter pancake dinner.

-♪ Ah... ♪ -♪ Hey... ♪

♪ Can you feel it? Can you feel it? ♪

♪ Ah-ha ♪

♪ It's about faith ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

All right. All right!

Welcome home. Now, I don't know about y'all,

but I'm feeling a little,

just a little wiggly.

-I'm feeling a little jiggly.

-I'm feeling a little extra power of the Lord right now.

And I got to share it with y'all.

Now, who's ready for some divine healing?

Come on down to the stage.

That's our cue.

Oh, no. Everyone knows I can't resist the thrill

of a T-shirt cannon.

Stay focused, dummy!

In the name of the Father,

the Son and the Holy Spirit,

I say begone, Satan!

Let this woman stand!

And receive her $50 Kohl's gift card!

-I can walk! I can!

What are you doing?

50 free dollars to Kohl's, Jenny.

You are so weak-willed.

I caught a shirt! I caught a shirt!

♪ Yeah. ♪

Jenny, which Easter hat do you like better?

This one?

Or...?

Ooh, I like that one. Very Bianca Jagger.

So, how was Pastor Joanne's pancake dinner fundraiser?

Okay, I didn't go to Pastor Joanne's church.

Because I was at a...

more church!

Oh, I hope you're keeping track, though,

'cause I should get extra points for this.

Jenny, I've told you a million times,

there's no point system.

And if you keep asking, you're gonna lose a bunch of points.

So there are points.

Okay, yes. Of course there are points.

How many does Gandhi have?

Oh, you don't want to get into all that.

More than Tom Hanks?

Forget the points.

Your hat is stupid.

-You just lost 98 points.

No!

Is that a little or a lot?

This is such a great idea, Wayne.

Taking Jesus to Bud's Baby Dolls is the ultimate.

Yeah, you have great shaming instincts.

Look, look, look, here comes a dude.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh...

-Nope. -Amazing.

These dirtbags feel so bad about themselves.

Kinda feel bad for 'em.

-Don't you? -No. -Are you kidding?

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

He's talking to it.

Don't look at me.

Why are you looking at me like that?

We did this. This is just a prank. We put this here.

It came from Bigsby's.

Yeah, it's just a dumb statue.

Just a dumb statue?

I don't know how to live anymore!

-Get away from me! Get away! Aah!

Wayne, that guy's gonna hurt himself.

Oh, man, that is hilarious!

No! Not hilarious.

No, it's hilarious...

-that you fell for this. -What?

That's right, reverse prank.

Classic way to teach pranksters

that pranks can have consequences.

Jason, get over here.

This is my pal Jason, and his breakdown

was my prank on you guys. How does it feel?

All right, Wayne. The prankers have become the prank-ed.

Teaching us a lesson about karma using Jesus?

You're a freakin' genius.

I look so sexy

when I think I've killed a person.

Oh, God, what have I been doing with my life?

I'm gonna kill myself!

Okay, Wayne, we get it. Geez.

Oh, no, I don't know that guy.

Uh, hey, we got to get that thing out of here.

Ooh-hoo, we are gonna turn

Bucklake inside out with our Easter looks.

I heard there's gonna be a hologram

where Jesus talks to Prince.

I heard they Easter brunch during the service,

Medieval Times-style.

-Oh.

Hey, y'all.

Pastor Joanne!

Betty, I got your message

that you couldn't come to my pancake dinner

because of your emergency back surgery?

Uh... that's right. Yep.

It's feeling pretty good now.

The transplant's really taking.

Check this out.

You got a back transplant?

Yep. Mm-hmm. The whole thing had to go.

And when I was helping her with her rehab,

that caused me to hurt my back really bad.

So we both had to get back transplants.

But we're doing great! Ha. We've been praying.

Look!

Well, I missed having y'all there.

-Congratulations on your backs.

Oh, shoot. Quick, get under here.

Uh...

I love that they do communion pizza here.

I love Pastor Joanne's pancake dinners,

but this is Pizza Hut quality.

Oh, there goes Minister Mikey.

-Let's go introduce ourselves. -Hang on,

I got to fluff my hair first.

Did you know you can use your phone as a mirror?

-That's a life hack.

Oh, look at that.

That's not a mistress, is it?

No, he's saving that poor girl's soul.

Okay, so he is in a relationship

with a woman of the night.

More like a woman of the afternoon.

But that's fine. Jesus didn't judge prosties.

When can we be together?

Once we turn that Podunk little Greenpoint Methodist into

-a parking structure/ -Bucklake complex,

we're gonna put you in a beautiful townhome.

Hold on. He's actively trying to destroy Pastor Joanne's church?

Over my smoking hot dead body.

By the way, did you try the mini quiche?

Ooh, that turd Minister Mikey is

gonna force Pastor Joanne out of her church.

That sexy minister sucked us in,

and he's gonna hurt our sweet angel Joanne.

Ah...

We have to protect her at all costs.

Even if it means getting up before these roll-y balls

get to my lower back. Lord, it hurts so good, y'all...

I'm just gonna get a quick pic of me in this pleasure machine.

Oh, shoot. Left my camera on again.

Wait, what's this movie?

Once we turn that podunk little

Greenpoint Methodist into a parking structure...

Mother! You taped the whole thing.

Do you know what this means?

It's our smoking gun.

We got to go nuclear with this.

Blast this out on all the medias.

CNN. Al Rokers.

Call that gap-toothed Adonis Michael Strahan,

and offer him an exclusive.

I knew there was something off

about that Minister Mikey, based on teeth alone.

That guy's veneers cost more

than my double-wide, and they're twice as big.

His parishioners deserve to know what a creep he is.

And we have the proof on Mother's phone.

Amen.

This is better than any telenovela

I've ever seen.

Even the one where the evil twin

turned out to be a robot.

We infiltrate the Easter service and show that smoking gun

to the whole church at once.

But we're gonna need your help.

Okay, here's how it's gonna go down.

It'll be Easter Sunday, so we're gonna

have to look real nice.

Let's do this.

We slip in

with the rest of the parishioners.

Once we're inside, Wayne will distract the guard.

Security! Security! I need help!

What seems to be the problem, sir?

Um... a squirrel took my doughnut.

Oh. Well, can you just get another one?

Not one with jelly in the middle.

What kind of security detail doesn't form

a perimeter around doughnuts?

Meanwhile, Violet and David will create

a huge ruckus at the Easter egg hunt.

'Cause they're about to hunt Easter eggs

-with Bucklake's A/ -V guy Speedy Robinson.

He's got three toddlers, and he'll definitely be there.

Oh, my God! This Easter Bunny's pants are full of eggs.

He must be laying them.

No. No, no, no, no!

Then a discreet hand-off...

Keys be with you.

And also with you.

...and I get them to Mother. -Look!

-He's in that tree! -What tree?

♪ Ah, faith, hope, love and joy ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

-Took you long enough. -More swag, Mother?

They were passing out Bucklake bacon waves.

Do you know what a bacon wave is?

So you can make crispy bacon in the microwave, Jenny!

Just get in the sound booth and wait for my signal.

-Wait, what's the signal? -This...

What the hell?

No, that's way too long.

Okay, what about this?

The Hammer dance? Oh, everybody's gonna be doing that.

Oh, you're right. Damn it.

Let me just think for a second.

♪ Pump ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up, pump, pump ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up, pump, pump ♪

♪ Party on the block, pump, pump it up ♪

-♪ Pump, pump. ♪

Folks, Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice

when he died for our sins.

And all he asks for in return

is ten to 15% of your income.

Now, is that so much to ask?

Oh, uh, uh-uh. No, ma'am, ma'am--

we're-we're not doing the healings yet.

Oh, I'm not here to be healed.

I'm here to expose a sickness.

-Yours!

That's what they went with?

So confusing.

Oh.

Oh, Lord.

What in the holy salvation

is going on here?

You're going down!

What is that, a raspberry seed?

Ugh. What is that?

Sorry, wrong video. Hang on.

Hello. Betty Hart coming at you,

and this is why I should be on The Amazing Race.

Ooh!

I just got a splinter in my crotchal region!

-Mother! -Uh...

Come here, baby.

-Let Mama pet you.

Aw, now there's a good boy.

Get to the incriminating one.

No, no, no, no, no!

Ow! You pecked me in my crotchal region!

Security! Get this woman!

Damn it, Mother. We had him!

Well, if we had gone with my plan,

I could be in the greenroom right now,

rifling through my gift basket with Michael Strahan!

Ugh, this whole thing got way out of hand.

I just wanted to help Pastor Joanne.

Don't worry, Mom. We brought backup.

Oh, my God, what am I doing?

What am I doing with my life?

I cannot deceive these people anymore.

We got to shut this place down.

And build a bigger place in Florida where nobody knows me.

On it, sir. And the hookers?

Yes, bring 'em all.

It's Florida. They'll love it.

-Wow, this place is hopping. Wow.

Lots of new faces here.

Guess I better break out the big guns.

When the Lord spoke to John the Baptist,

he had a lot to say.

But in the end,

God bless America.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH