Original subtitles

Jenny Hart,

welcome to your date night

with all the fixin's.

And I put the rosé in the freezer.

Oh, Wayne! It's a perfect slush.

Madame.

Hit pause on the humpin'. Mama's home.

-Oh, what? -Mother, I thought

you were playing bridge.

I had a falling out with Norma

about what's the best way to get to Myrtle Beach,

and the rest of those losers took her side.

And I'm afraid it's spilled over into my Bible study

and my quilting group.

Thought we finally had a night alone.

Oh, my Lord. She's going through The Purge.

-The what? -It happens every few years.

She just burns through an entire swath of friends

like a horde of locusts.

Ooh, is that Under the Tuscan Sun?

Oh, I know her. I know her.

This one thinks she's hot stuff.

Would you look at that smokeshow.

I love me an Italiano.

You know what they say-- bushy eyebrows, bushy...

Who was she married to again?

Oh, look. It's Grey's Anatomy. What's her name?

Sandra Oh.

Sandra O'what?

It's Sandra Oh. O-H.

Gonna be a long date night.

Hush. I can't hear Sandra O.H.

She's talking about what's going on in Tuscan.

Oh, my God, she is crapping on our date night.

What do we have to do to get her out and about a little bit?

Oh, I know-- let's get her arrested and thrown in jail.

Yeah. Something with no bail. Like attempted terrorism?

It's kind of a stretch, but she is terrorizing us

on a household scale.

We can try to get her thrown into the looney bin,

but she'd just wear 'em down.

Can't she just go get a job?

Hmm, Mother getting a job is not a bad idea.

But we can't tell her it's 'cause we need space,

or else she'll get insulted and make our lives

even more of a living hell.

Hey, can y'all

help me? I dropped a hard-boiled egg

under the furniture, and I cannot find it.

-Can I have your horchata? -Yeah.

-Can I have your Golden Rounds? -Yeah.

We make this trade every day. Should we just tell our parents

to get us different snacks?

-No, I like the ritual. -Me, too.

Zing, zing! Die, Father!

-Oh! Real people here! Uh, keep turning. -Turn, turn. Okay.

-Now go straight. Watch the railing. -Ooh, watch the railing.

There are so many stupid cliques at this school.

The cyber geeks.

Slime heads.

Wannabe influencers.

It's pathetic that the coolest group in the school-- us--

doesn't have a bigger presence.

Hmm, can you really call us a group?

A group's at least three people, right?

Well, what if we got a third friend?

What? No. It's just us two, and it's always been us two.

No, I'm not talking about someone equal to us, David.

I'm talking about a third who is on a slightly lower tier.

Okay, now I'm feeling this.

Someone who's sort of in but not fully in,

so we can feed off their desperate energy?

One of these lucky nobodies is about to be

plucked from obscurity.

Jenny! Guess what the hot-ass UPS guy just brought me?

My Slap Chops!

Ugh, I don't think she's left this house in three days.

Look, we got to get her the hell out of here,

but we got to make her think getting a job was her idea.

Uh, I'm not good at playing mind games.

It'll be fine. Just follow my lead.

Y'all want to try?

No, I can't. Ugh, I don't have time.

Just gearing up to go to my job.

It's so fun to get out of the house, have a purpose.

Not just moping around here, sad and empty inside.

Yep, thank God for my job. Right, Wayne?

Absolutely. Having a job is the only thing

that keeps me from putting a gun in my mouth,

pulling the trigger and blowing my head off.

I told you, this is not my area.

Oh, I see what's happening.

Y'all are trying to do perverse psychology on me right now.

Mother, we think you should get a job.

It'll give you something to focus on.

Earn a little pocket money.

Oh, hell no. I gave up working a long time ago.

Wait, you had a job?

Jobs. Plural, fool.

I'm no stranger to the working girl lifestyle.

I worked as a secretary.

Do you want me to take a memo, Mr. Stetson?

No, but I'd like to take a mammo.

An assistant to the assistant manager at Hobby Lobby.

You know, Betty, I-I never crafted jack squat.

I come here to see you.

And a line worker at the Dr. Mister factory.

You know what? I like earning my keep,

and I like being out in the world.

And you cannot beat the inter-office dalliances.

Thank the Lord I spent the bulk of last evening

Edward Scissorhands-ing my bathing suit area.

Now I'm going out to Kinko's to work on my resume.

How long do you think it'll take her to find out

there's no more Kinko's?

I hope she drives around for two solid days.

BOTH We got the house back, we got the house back.

Our new friend audition flyer

might be the best thing we've ever done.

A hundred thousand percent. Let's read it one more time.

"It's June 1975.

"You're standing outside CBGB.

"David Byrne comes up to you and says,

"'I'm looking for a fourth Talking Head.'

"That is the scale of this opportunity.

Are you ready to be one of us?"

An opening in the most exclusive club in town?

When the masses find out, it's gonna be a human stampede.

Maybe we need to give it a little more time.

Um, hey, I'm Parker.

Am I too late for the audition?

Okay, so your name is Parker.

It's a nickname.

'Cause I tend to just kind of sit in one place.

I gave it to myself.

Sugar-free rock candy?

what's your favorite movie?

Um, whatever movie I saw last.

Which was Boss Baby 2.

All right, what music do you listen to?

Oh, yeah, I'm a big music fan.

I love, um, instruments, and, uh, vocals.

Oh, my God.

We got to get this dud out of here.

He's like if a manila folder became self-aware.

Huh?

Wait, he is a manila folder.

Which means he can hold anything we put in him.

He's a blank slate.

I don't know.

Do we really have the energy to build a friend

from the ground up?

Did I mention I have a car?

Okay, you're in.

-Well, somebody got

new batteries in her wiggle stick.

What? No, I'm just in a good mood.

I've had a whole hour and a half with no Mother.

Oh, it was a real glimpse into how it's gonna be

-when she's dead. -Huh?

I say that with love.

I hope y'all are sitting down

'cause I have some bad news.

That's an expression. Keep working.

We got some negative Yelp reviews, y'all.

"No wonder this place is called the Last Supper,

"because the food here is a biblical plague.

One star."

-Aah! -Louise, it's just one person's opinion.

It's not that big a deal.

The Internet sucks. It's only good

getting people to commit

to a long-term relationship without ever meeting you.

Just ignore it, Louise.

Long story short,

people need to get seated quicker, so I hired a hostess.

Does anybody even work here?

Greetings from your new greeter, y'all!

Oh, dear God.

You hired my mother?

Test, testing, one-two.

♪ Delta Dawn... ♪

Oh, yeah, this works for me.

-Mother, there are people

waiting to be seated.

Well, what are you doing right now?

I am entertaining customers.

The hospitality doesn't end

once their butts are in the booths, Jenny.

Now, don't be coy.

I know you must be a model or an actor.

Okay, now, what's this?

I need to try the menu so when people ask,

"Is this good? Is that good?

What's this?"

I can have an answer.

Jenny! My new friends over here

need some more iced teas. Think fast!

Perfection.

So I'm cooler now?

A thousand percent, which brings you up to almost cool.

Ooh, what do we do next?

Should we play something cool like Frisbee?

Sit. We're watching a documentary

about the band Styx.

Oh. And cool people like them?

No. Parker, this isn't about liking something.

It's about enjoying how much you don't like something.

We like Styx ironically.

Oh, I get it.

You don't like it, so you do like it.

Okay,

I like that my gamgam's in the hospital.

Oh, my God. We got so much work to do.

And when I told her I wouldn't give her half my tips,

she wrote my cell phone number on the wall

in the men's bathroom.

So check my phone if you want to know

what every kind of penis looks like.

Jenny, a Yelp review ruined our beautiful plan

and a Yelp review can fix it.

Jenny, there's something I've been meaning

-to tell you for a long... -Wayne,

are you a secret online vigilante?

Oh, come on!

How could you have figured that out?

I gave you zero clues.

Anyways, allow me to introduce to you

my online personage,

Ronnie Tim Tanner.

Ex-Green Beret who's also a three-time

Olympic medalist in the shot put.

That's great, Wayne, 'cause Louise really listens

to male authority figures online.

Uh, everyone does. And not only that.

He dedicated his last gold medal

to an inner-city kid who had beaten cancer.

When an ex-military Olympic medalist with a heart of gold

tells you your small business is getting sloppy,

you listen.

Ronnie Tim and I single-handedly turned around

a Mexican restaurant that had switched to processed cheese,

a mom-and-pop florist that was churning out bouquets

of filler flowers, and we also got people

to give a second chance to a library

where there was a murder in the parking lot.

Then Ronnie Tim became a raging alcoholic.

Oh, no.

Why?

Currently, Ronnie Tim can only afford

to live on a houseboat,

blowing his money on booze and hookers.

Any given day, you can see him

stumbling around,

trying not to fall off his house.

Poor guy.

-How much more can he take?

And thanks to long-term steroid abuse,

he's also got jelly dong.

Oh, no.

This man has earned the right to be heard.

I think it's time Ronnie Tim

chimed in about the new hostess at the Last Supper.

On it.

Okay, Parker, you were right.

That eyepatch did affect your driving,

-so you can take it off. -Now, this, Parker,

Mega Lo Mart Bingo.

We point out people and award each other points

based on how much of a hot mess they are.

Here, I'll show you. A guy on a Rascal,

two American flags, oxygen tank, buying cigarettes?

-Score, please. -That is actually pretty common,

so that's just 25 points.

Oh, 26, because butt crack.

Now, David, what do I get for... lady in a terrycloth jumpsuit,

drinking a 72-hour energy drink that she hasn't paid for yet.

She isn't shopping, she's clearly just in here waiting

for something to blow over.

Oh, my God, that's 95 points.

Oh, now look at this, Violet.

Kid sniffing deodorants, greasy hair, anime bowling shirt.

I don't even know what to give that.

That's my boy, Brian.

-Brian! -Hey, Parker.

You got to smell the new Axe. It's off the chain.

My mom's gonna be so excited for her fresh-smelling boy.

Wait, you know this guy?

Of course I do. I invited him.

You have other friends? W-Why did you audition?

Hey, I never turn down a chance for friendship.

Violet and David are the coolest people I've ever met.

They're teaching me about irony.

It's like when you say you love something

-that you actually hate. -Ooh, let me try.

I love that my mom's work friend opened the bathroom door on me

while I was peeing last night.

Well, nice meeting you, Brian.

That's what my mom's work friend said

as he shut the bathroom door.

♪ Look around the world, pretty baby ♪

♪ Is it everything... ♪

This is the worst song I've ever heard.

Total ear acid.

My foot's tapping. Why?

♪ Look around your world, pretty baby... ♪

Stop it.

♪ Is it everything you hoped it would be? ♪

No! What's happening?

Man, listen to those instruments.

♪ The wrong guy, the wrong situation ♪

♪ The right time to roll to me... ♪

That review we sent wasn't too mean, right?

No way.

I mean, there's not a mean bone in Ronnie Tim's body.

Unless he's drinking.

Here's a review from Ronnie Tim Tanner.

"If I could give that vulgar,

"dumb-as-a-bag-of-pine-cones hostess zero stars, I would.

"As a former Olympian, I'm here to tell you

"that if they gave gold medals for being terrible at your job

"and having devil eyes,

"Betty Hart would be on that middle podium,

"slaughtering 'The Star-Spangled Banner'

with those Funyuns she calls vocal cords."

"Also, the rude hostess made a ton

"of graphic personal phone calls

"and said the owner of the establishment

had a bird face"?

Bird face?

Bird face?

Oh, here comes Birdface.

Hi!

So, Betty, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let you go.

Welp, that's the end of Betty Hart at the Last Supper.

Good for you, Birdface.

All right, looks like my baby needs a spanking.

Time to fight fire with fire.

Rex? Yeah, it's Betty. I need a favor.

Anything you need, Bet.

I got two Judases who need a piece of their own medicine.

What you want-- frame job, rough-up, full-blown murder?

No, I'll tell you what I need--

an Internet smear campaign via Yelp.

Put the word out-- the nastier the review,

the nastier the reward.

-Betty Hart? -On it. -Anything for Betty.

Betty, I miss you.

Jenny, can I talk to you?

Louise, what did you do to your face?

Oh, I was just trying some contouring

to make my nose look like less of a beak.

Anyway, Jenny, I was just going through my Yelps,

and you are named in no less than 17 one-star reviews.

-Oh, what? -Oh, yup.

One said you don't wash your hands.

Another said you spit in all the food

-and that it's a sexual thing.

Thanks for letting us stop here.

Bri and I cannot pass

Boingzone's Jumptastic Trampatheater

without grabbing a few jumps.

How did we end up in this vanilla nightmare?

I mean, look at these snooze-os.

We still hate this, right?

I'm really enjoying this.

Ironically or unironically?

Unclear.

Look how high we're getting.

-Yeah. -You're right.

-Whoa. -Maybe it's too high.

Agreed. Everything in moderation.

Hey, nice moderate jumps.

Right at the recommended level.

Thanks.

You want to jump with us?

Sure. I have some pals, too.

Mind if they jump along?

You know Boingzone's motto.

You can never have too many hoppers.

Wait a minute. We just wanted one new friend to push around,

and now he's somehow in charge?

We... have... to...

put a stop... to this.

Yeah... sucks.

We'll do... one game of... bouncy basketball,

and then we'll tell 'em what's up.

Exactly. No more than two games of bouncy ball,

and then we're done.

Hey, Mom, I hope you're having a great day.

I was just reading one of my latest Yelp reviews,

and one of them was all about my B.O.,

and the other says I ignore the elderly.

Can you believe that?

No. That's so awful

that an anonymous person would slander you like that.

These Internet people can be brutal, can't they?

Yes, they can.

Uh-oh, what'd I walk into?

Wayne, I thought you were at work.

Nope, I got sent home

'cause Bigsby's got a Yelp review that said

"Wayne Edwards pee-pees in the floor sample toilets

and thinks the DMV did 9/11."

Mother.

I'm as upset as you are,

and, boy, I hope more bad Yelp reviews aren't on the way.

But something tells me they sure as hell are.

Wayne, I, I think you've got some e-mails to write,

don't you?

Yeah, okay.

What are you waiting for, soft boy?

You caused this, Wayne.

Huh? Who's talking to me right now?

It's me, Olympic hero Ronnie Tim.

Can't you see me?

Focus on my voice.

Wow, this is exactly how I imagined it.

Wayne, I know you created me with good intentions,

and we put quite a few small businesses

on the right track together,

but this isn't online justice.

It's trolling,

and I can't be a part of that anymore.

I'm gonna solve this for the both of us.

Ronnie Tim!

No!

Y'all, get off your devices.

We've got to hash this out in the real world, face-to-face.

Betty, I was the one who came up with the idea

to write the negative review to get you fired.

-From the job y'all told me to get. Yes,

but what we should have told you from the very beginning is

sometimes we need space from you.

Well...

There it is, y'all.

Mother, get away from the knife drawer.

I'm just getting my keys.

I'm gonna go hang out with people

who actually want to see me.

How come we're not sitting closer to Parker?

This is bullcrap.

Parker's one job was to love and adore us.

But then he goes and adds all these other strays?

We got to tell Parker to just cut them loose.

Hey, Parker, can we talk?

Yeah, I need to talk to you, too.

We've had a vote and we decided-- ah, I hate this--

but you guys don't belong in our group anymore.

Your group?

Yeah, we had a vote,

and I'm afraid you two are gonna have to bounce,

and not in the awesome way.

Wait, you're kicking us out?

Don't worry, whenever no one else is around,

I'll totally be friends with you.

Also, I just want you to know

I didn't enjoy hanging out with you today.

Ooh, you want to go flag down motorists

like it's an emergency,

and then, when they pull over, call them pedos?

Get out of my head.

Good call on carryout.

Oh, it's gonna feel so good

eating these Bloomin' Onions in an empty house.

I'd eat a box of hair

as long as we get to eat it in an empty house.

♪ Empty house is just you and me ♪

♪ We can bone in the kitchen ♪

♪ And no one'll see. ♪

Now, why'd y'all make me rush home?

All my girlfriends were so disappointed

I had to bail early.

Well, I'm sure all your best friends will miss you,

but the thing is, Wayne and I need you more.

Uh, yeah, we realized date night

just wasn't the same without you.

I thought y'all needed space.

Yes, Mother, sometimes that will be the case.

But tonight we were hoping

you'd join us for family date night.

What are we watching?

Ooh, she has let herself go.

Who's she married to again?

That's not his real hair.

She's put on weight.

Isn't he a druggie?

I don't trust that guy.

Those aren't his real teeth.

Wait, and is that a wig?

Ten dollars says that man is fully bald.

He barely even has eyebrows left.

I think I might be enjoying this unironically.

What does that mean?

Think it means if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

I'm sorry, but that lady has had too much work done.

Yeah, the only acting she can do is wide awake.

Listen up, y'all, somebody's gonna jump out any second.

They should've put Cassandra Bullock in this one.

Y'all, I'm telling you, any second...

-Oh, my God!

that's a man.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH