Original subtitles

Brenda, what are you doing? Louise is back from her cruise.

She's parking her car right now.

-Wait, Louise has been gone? -Yes. For a week.

Wait, you were about to do four shots of tequila

and you thought she was fully here?

-It's my lunch break. -It's 10:00 a.m.

I have low blood sugar, Jenny.

Louise. Are you okay?

It's Daniel.

He...

Ugh, let me guess, that clod-pole got called away

in the middle of a cruise for some "businessman thing,"

and left you all alone for the rest of the trip?

You know what, Louise? It's time.

The gloves are off.

Daniel is a grade-A country club booty squirt.

He's a jerk, and you need to drop that flaccid,

dead-eyed pee-hole.

It wasn't his fault.

Oh, right. It wasn't his fault.

Will you just stop making excuses for him, Louise?

Brenda's right. He is a worthless, flat-butted...

-But he... -No, no, no. Let me finish. Coffee-breathed...

-But... -...biscuit-faced, wet...

-But y'all... -...paper towel filled with pubes.

Daniel's dead.

-Oh.

I'm just gonna come out and say

what everyone's thinking.

This is a funeral for a turd. No, not even.

I've had actual turds that were harder to let go of.

Brenda, be nice. Louise loved him.

God only knows why.

Yeah, even I'm having a hard time

mustering up any waterworks for Daniel.

thinking about the first 15 minutes of Pixar's Up.

Oh, Lord, here it comes.

That old man, so alone, missing his wife.

She's so barren. Ugh, damn it, I took it too far.

Welcome, y'all.

As you know, we are forced to have this bodyless funeral

because poor old Daniel fell off the side of a cruise ship

and his remains have probably moved all the way

-through the food chain by now.

What will I miss most about

Daniel Hunter Gunnar Culp III?

Well, his smile, for sure.

But also, his warm, sexual touch.

We had movie-quality love-making.

And by that I mean, whenever we made love,

he would have to watch a movie.

Like Wild Things 1 through 4,

or anything with Ellen Barkin.

I wanted to show y'all a video

of me and Daniel's life together,

but I'm no good at computers,

so I'm just gonna show you these pictures off my phone

while playing his very favorite song.

Can you see it? Can you see it?

Okay, you two lean in.

All right, can you see it now?

I am so sorry for your loss,

but I can't wait to deliver your bereavement benefits

in four to six weeks.

Oh, Norma, I'm so lost without my love muffin.

Oh, look at that big phony.

Excuse me?

Big phony Louise with her crocodile tears.

-She's a stone-cold murderer. -David. David.

Turn around, you're missing something good.

So, Gram, I'm so sorry, did you say Louise Culp is a murderer?

Oh, quit clutching your pearls, Vi.

It's about time you learned how the real world works.

You walk around in a butterscotch dreamland

where no one you know is a murderer.

Louise 100% killed Daniel.

Tell us more about this theory.

It's not a theory. It's a fact.

No one dies of natural causes on a cruise.

It's a murderers' paradise.

You're out in international waters,

every man for himself.

That's how Rose got away with murdering Jack.

Watch the movie.

I could listen to Betty Hart

talk about murder all day long.

So could everyone.

David, we owe it to the world

to turn her insane ramblings into a podcast.

Oh my God, even if we recorded the little bit she just said,

and put some marimba music behind it,

that's already, like, six episodes.

Mmm. Oh, Lord. Mmm.

Y'all, now, Jenny, you better hold Wayne tight tonight

and give him your best loving,

'cause y'all don't know how lucky you are.

Okay, well, we will take that under advisement.

I mean, really get in there and go to town on each other.

Will do.

-Damn. -I feel sorry for her.

Louise has never been without a man in her life.

Who knows? Maybe in the long run, this will be good.

Maybe she'll learn she doesn't need to define herself

through a man.

-My man is gone, y'all.

I'm nothing without my man.

I'm not even a person, y'all.

Okay, a-week-ago me was wrong.

How's everyone doing tonight? Can I tell y'all the specials?

I'd like to tell you who was really special.

My Daniel.

But now he's fish food.

He's dead.

There goes another table of tips.

This is a nightmare.

She's scaring away all the customers.

Daniel's dead.

This is where Daniel used to eat.

Daniel peed in here.

Get out of there. This is Daniel's favorite booth.

He used to eat in here, but now he's dead.

Thank God.

Imagine a long-married couple

boarding a cruise.

They're in good spirits, hit the buffet.

They end the night with a stroll,

neither of them knowing this moment

will be their last together.

Unless one of them did.

I'm Violet Hart. And this is Port of Fall.

I'm David Brito, and with us today is Betty Hart.

Now, Betty, I understand you have a few theories

about what happened on Louise's recent cruise?

Theories are for nerds and climate scientists.

I have facts. Here's exactly how it went down.

It was early evening on board the Festival Breeze,

captained by a sturdy Spaniard named Javier

with a full head of salt and pepper hair

and the thighs of a Greek god.

Gram, stick to the murder.

It's called color, Vi.

Let me do what I do.

Daniel and Louise were sharing drinks

in the Pink Coral Lounge.

But little did Daniel know that he was being overserved.

To the point of going overboard.

Pawn intended. Cut to the Lido deck.

She did the old "Oh, look, doesn't that dolphin

look just like Charlton Heston?"

Then push, push, splash, splash, chomp, chomp,

jump into the conga line as an alibi.

♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun, here the whole time ♪

♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun, perfect crime. ♪

You really think Louise killed her husband

-on a cruise ship? -Shh!

90% of people that go on cruises do not return.

There are more dead bodies

floating in the ocean than plastic.

We lost more Americans last year in "cruise pushings"

than we did in all of Vietnam.

So with no motive, zero evidence

and some massively inaccurate facts about the ocean,

you feel comfortable labeling Louise Culp a murderer?

I do. Case closed.

And that's not all. I have a strong foreboding

that the Grove Nursing Home Nighty-Night Strangler

is none other than...

Chuck Bryson!

David, lock him up.

Whoa, Gram. You just solved a different murder?

Oh, yeah. I've solved hundreds,

if not thousands, of other murders.

Great. Tune in tomorrow to find out

who else is guilty of murder.

Will it be... you?

Ooh, good one.

Hey, babe.

Just came by for a quick bite.

They cleared all those trees out

to extend the Sedgefield Cemetery,

and it is good and muddy.

So the boys and I are gonna go off-roading

before it gets filled up with bodies.

Oh, no. Okay. Should I call the tow truck now,

or wait until you call me saying you got stuck?

Jenny, I'm not gonna get stuck.

You always get stuck.

I am not getting stuck.

I just got a winch.

For when you get stuck?

No! That's for when somebody else gets stuck.

You can't pull your own self out, Jenny.

So you are gonna get stuck?

I am not having this conversation.

Daniel, look.

Dang. I know it's still fresh, but...

Louise looks rough. Is she doing okay?

She's trying to feed a fried shrimp to a pillow.

Does that seem okay to you?

Louise, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

You just let me know if you need anything.

Oh, thank you.

I'll be fine. I'm just gonna go home

and eat a Go-Gurt for dinner, since my oven's broken.

Well, I can fix that oven for you.

Just let me know when's a good time to stop by.

How's right now?

Oh. Uh, right now?

It's a date!

Okay, now I'm stuck.

Oh, thank you, Wayne.

This pilot light's always broken.

I can't tell you the amount of times

I'd come home to find my Daniel,

his head in there, trying to fix it.

He'd pull his head out, looking all depressed,

and then say, "I give up."

Okay, all fixed.

I hope you feel a little better.

Now I'm gonna go get some mud on my tires.

Oh, hang on, boyfriend.

Can I bother you to replace a couple of burnt-out light bulbs?

Oh, sure. I-I have some in my truck.

Oh, that's smart.

You save yourself the overnight trip.

-What? -When you have to drive to the light bulb store

that's four hours away,

so eight hours total travel time.

No, they got 'em at Bigsby's.

Oh, what? I sure wish Daniel would have known that.

He was gone all the time on long light bulb runs.

Wow.

Leaving me all alone

in this big ol' house by myself.

Now it feels like he's on a permanent light bulb run.

To heaven.

This house is just so big and lonely lately,

and that's not a knock on poor people

with little tee-tiny houses.

This is just a big ol' house, y'all.

What are you doing?

Uh, nothing.

I'm just listening. Why?

Well, I thought you would've walked out by now.

Or at least be watching pro fishing on your phone.

That's what Daniel always did.

He was such a great multitasker.

Oh, no. You're going through a hard time.

Just trying to lend an ear.

Could I ask you for one more favor?

Would you mind coming up to my bedroom?

Could you just open

that nightstand drawer?

What I need is in there.

Yeah, she made me brush her hair.

What?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Wayne.

Sorry who? 'Cause according to her,

my name's not Wayne anymore.

It's BoogerBear. And she's BooBear.

And BooBear already wants me to come back tomorrow.

Oh, Jenny, I feel so bad for her,

but I can't go back there.

Oh, honey, you've helped enough.

And you deserve to go have fun and go off-roading

and get stuck in the mud with your buddies.

-We do not get stuck. -You will totally get stuck.

I'll talk to Louise tomorrow

and tell her you can't go back there.

Okay, thanks.

-And, Jenny? -Yeah?

I feel like I should brush your hair just to make it right.

I don't know what I'm making right, but just...

I got your hairbrush.

Well, on the plus side,

your hair looks extra shiny today.

Yeah, Louise got way too creep-a-do

with Wayne last night.

I got to tell her he's not available.

Rip the Band-Aid off no matter how depressed she seems.

Cock-a-doodle-doo, doo-doo-doo.

It's a beautiful morning, y'all.

Now, let's get some different tunes up in here.

♪ I'm ♪

♪ Gonna soak up the sun... ♪

Oh, Jenny, don't you worry

about Windexing the menus.

I can do that. And, Brenda,

you don't have to shoo out the ceiling possum today.

I say live and let live, y'all.

Oh, it's so good to see your face again, Louise.

-Um, I need to talk to you about... -I just want

to thank you for lending me your man, Jenny.

Oh, well, I wouldn't describe it that way.

Well, whatever you want to call it,

I just want to give you this little thank-you.

It's a gift card to Sephora!

It's almost like money. But it's not, right?

I mean, it's not "payment for Wayne."

Oh, you wrote "Payment for Wayne"

right on the gift card. Right there.

That's terrific.

So, Jenny, what did you need to talk to me about?

Um, I was just gonna say about Wayne,

uh, I'll send him back over later.

And, Brenda, I'm feeling so good,

I got you one, too.

Wow. I can't wait to find out

what it feels like to not steal from that place.

The murderer in the Willow Glen case

was none other

than Greenpoint's own Darryl Ozment.

Pastor by day, slasher by night.

Case closed. Murder solved.

That makes 60 cases in three episodes.

Perfectly solved.

All murderers, please report to jail.

David, fill up that cellblock.

Hey, you're the podcast guys. Love it!

-Guilty! Cha-chunk! -Your grandma's a hit.

Doing a true crime podcast is super easy

when the crimes don't have to be true.

Violet and David,

can I talk to you for a sec?

You want some podcast swag?

All right, we're out of T-shirts,

-but I have a visor. -I don't want a visor.

Your grandmother accused me of murdering an entire sorority

execution-style in 1989?

-Uh... -Uh...

-We're so, so, so sorry. -So, so sorry. We know

you didn't murder anyone, but if you did,

-no judgment. -So sorry we accused you of murder.

Now, I know I shouldn't be mad at you.

I should be praying for you,

'cause your grandmother is crazy as the day is long,

and I've known her forever,

and it's always been just one thing after another.

And I can't help it if Tom Taggert took me

to the Hall & Oates concert instead of her.

And Lord forgive me, but tell her

to shut her fat face,

-or I'm gonna sue.

Mm, that was rough. Is this what guilt feels like?

I know. I feel awful.

But it'll be fine. She's overreacting.

Everyone else knows it's just harmless fun.

Plus, nobody's listening.

Hey, you little turds! Tell your grandma

I didn't lure a drifter into my van with cigarettes,

then cut off his head and put it in a chicken bucket.

-Sorry. -We'll tell her.

I didn't poison my adult son's energy drink!

-Sorry. -Oh, so sorry.

I didn't use lye

to dissolve a body in a dog food barrel.

-Sorry. -Can we still get some frappes?

Jenny, I'm not doing any more boyfriend role-play stuff

for Louise. Okay? It's weird.

And it's even weirder that you're letting me do it.

Oh, but Louise is all alone.

She's in such a bad state.

And I always thought you were

-such a good, kind, selfless person. -No.

And there is nothing you can say to change my mind, Jenny.

All right. Well, Louise did lose someone she loved deeply.

-Just like a certain curmudgeon

-in a balloon house... -No, no, no, no. Don't, Jenny.

...who fell in love with a girl named Ellie,

-but she was barren. That poor woman.

They wanted a child so bad.

All right. All right, I'll do it.

But only Christian "help thy neighbor" handyman stuff.

Only. Period. End of dis...

♪ When we met ♪

♪ Always knew ♪

♪ I would feel that magic for you ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ Constantly ♪

♪ In my arms is where you should be ♪

I feel bad. Am I pimping out Wayne?

Would you like a chocolate-covered strawberry?

Ooh!

♪ I'm... ♪

-♪ Caught up in the rapture of love ♪

♪ Nothing else can compare ♪

♪ When I feel the magic of you ♪

-♪ I'm... ♪ -Ah!

Follow me back to the house, Wayne.

I threw some chili in my slow cooker

so we could break in these bowls.

You know, Louise, I wish I could,

but I'm picking Jenny up from work,

and then I'm definitely going mudding.

Oh, Jenny's not working today.

I sent her and Brenda to get mani-pedis.

-What? -To pay her for your services.

Thank you, Maurice.

Oh, look at this.

Y'all having fun while I'm being pimped out?

Well, guess what, Jenny? The gigolo is up.

Crap, it's over. Time to raid and scatter.

How could you do this, Jenny?

You pimped me out.

Or did you gain points in heaven by helping a fragile widow

through a very emotional time?

While I got a bunch of treatments and some makeup.

But anyway, heaven! You're going there.

Okay, stop, stop.

This ends now.

You're going to Louise

and telling her it's over right now.

Or we could have some cucumber water

-and dried apricots. -No!

Okay,

I'm counting 27 adults who are mad at us

and 12 businesses where we can't buy anything,

-which is all the businesses in Greenpoint. -We have to stop it.

But Gram's, like, addicted to accusing people of murder.

Wait, hang on.

Mrs. Kimbro said she went to school with Gram?

And she went to Hall & Oates with some boy Gram liked?

Good evening, listeners.

We want to do something a little different with this episode.

We would like to discuss a brutal series of assassinations.

-Character assassinations.

60 murderers. All accused by the same person,

who just happened to go to high school with them.

You've been researching me.

Admit it. You wrongly accused 60 people of murder.

You wrong me, you get accused of murder.

That's just how it is.

We would like to formally apologize

-to Preston Harper.

A good man who had nothing to do

with the ritualistic murder and dismemberment

of that Ultimate Frisbee team in the late '90s.

Gram, would you also like to issue an apology?

To the man who once

tapped me on the shoulder and said,

"Excuse me, sir"?

When hell freezes over.

We also owe an apology to Vernon Bannerman,

wrongly accused of being the Dallas Drowner.

Hmm, let me guess. He once said

something mildly impolite to you?

He didn't say crap.

He did flip me off in the middle

of a spirit rally. Still don't know why.

Just like those six women in Dallas

don't know why he drowned them.

Gram, we still have this one little case

we haven't cracked. Louise Culp. Why accuse her?

She didn't even go to high school with you.

Well, Louise's mother once asked,

"Where'd you get that top? Goodwill?"

In front of the boys' JV baseball team.

And since Louise's mother is no longer with us,

Louise has inherited this slight.

Therefore, Louise and all her kin

henceforth are guilty of murder.

Okay, Gram, that's low even for you.

Oh, what's this?

I'm seeing something new in my papers and findings.

Tell me something. Where were you

the night the Myrtle Beach Mangler last struck?

Ugh. Gram, don't.

Sure sounds like what a murderer would say.

And who knows what other crimes

they may have committed.

In fact, there they go, off to kill mo...

Louise, Jenny has something she wants to say to you.

Okay, so, Louise, I know this is hard,

but you can't have Wayne anymore.

I mean, not at this price.

I know. I know. I'm sorry, y'all.

I mean, the money I was paying was way too low.

Right? I mean, look at these arms.

They can hold a trunkful of groceries.

Wayne should cost

at least what Richard Gere paid for Pretty Woman.

Oh, no, I don't know if I could go that high.

Then make an offer. I'm not negotiating

-with myself here. -Ladies!

Now, I have been bought and sold like chattel

while y'all lived high on the hog

and got to do everything you wanted to do.

So now we are gonna do something I want to do.

Yeah!

Watch this!

-Yes, y'all!

-Are we stuck? -No.

Seems like we're stuck.

Well, then, you're seeing things,

'cause we are not stuck.

So, you're saying, then, we don't have to use the winch?

No. A winch is for when other people get stuck.

Well, then, where are the other people

with their winches, Wayne?

We don't need them yet because we are not stuck.

Y'all are stuck, but I'm free.

I got mud in all my nooks and crannies

and even my nethers.

I don't know how to tell you this, Jenny.

And we're stuck.

-Yeah, we're stuck.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH