Original subtitles

HOST Hang on to your guac,

'cause it's time for...

America's... Funniest... People

Getting Out of... a Booth

in a Mexican... Restaurant.

Uh-oh. Looks like Junior has to go to the little señor's room.

"This vinyl booth is sticky.

Why did I wear shorts?"

Ooh-hoo, my thighs are stinging just looking at that.

This.

This is how I want to remember y'all.

Gram, are you okay?

Violet, I want you to have this.

-200 AC/ -DC dollars from the "Moneytalks" tour.

Since Brexit, they're worth more

than the pound.

Thanks?

Wayne, take care of my Jenny.

And just know that I was hard on you 'cause I care about you.

Um... thanks?

What the heck is going on?

This is extra, even for Gram.

Ugh. Oh, no.

A few years ago, that stupid psychic she goes to

told her what day she was gonna die.

Violet, hand me that calendar.

Yup, it's today all right.

Oh, so she seriously thinks she's gonna die

by the stroke of midnight? Amazing.

Oh... Lord!

And, Jenny, my precious angel...

Oh, it's still going.

I can only imagine how hard it was

for you to have such a strong

and captivating woman as your mother.

But soon you'll be free

from the pressure of living in my shadow.

-Good Lord.

Anything else you want to say before I go to be with Jesus?

Fine, Mother, you were never, ever a burden,

a great mom, and every day was a gift.

Oh, thank you, baby, for telling me the truth.

Fare thee well, mon Ferrero Rochers.

How do you like your blue-eyed girl, Mr. Death?

Jesus, I am coming your way.

And three, two.

Oh, what the hell?!

I've been bamboozled!

Oh, are you going fishing with your ding-dong friends today?

Hey, those ding-dong friends are my friends.

And getting them to go fishing was not easy.

Their idea of what's fun is pretty different than mine.

Hey, homes.

Five bucks says you won't eat this light bulb.

-You're on. -No!

Guys, do not jump into the garden center.

You will break your ankles.

We already broke our ankles.

You can't rebreak an ankle.

Insulation smackdown!

You guys, that fiberglass is gonna make you itchy as hell.

Sounds like you're itching to get tackled, homie.

Their credo is basically "What doesn't kill me

-makes me funner."

Well, like Jesus once said, "I'm back."

Betty, I'm so glad you're still with us.

Don't rub it in, Wayne.

Gram, just so you know, I was gonna pretend you were a ghost

when you came out, but Mom wouldn't let me.

Thank you, baby. Stupid psychic.

put a casket on layaway, got a mold of my bust

to be sent to the original members of Whitesnake,

and let's not forget the Betty Hart Memorial Garden.

Yeah, who could have predicted

former interior decorator- turned-psychic

Vohnnie Ray Power would have ripped you off?

Yeah, technically, he ripped you off.

I used your bank card.

Seriously?! Ooh, you are such a pain in my butt all the time.

We are going down there right now

and getting our... my money back.

I'm so excited.

Do you think Vohnnie Ray knows we're on our way?

-No. -Oh, yes.

I can't believe you're making us go fishing, homes.

And I can't believe you wouldn't let me ride

Cape Fear style on the way over here.

I'm not letting you strap yourself under my truck, Doug.

Whoa, what the hell is this?

That there is either

God's biggest mistake or the devil's masterpiece.

It's called a snakehead,

and it's been gobbling up everything in sight

in every waterway on the East Coast.

And now it's here in Greenpoint.

Yeah? So what? We got a new fish.

What's the big deal, brahs?

This is no ordinary "fursh"!

It can breathe on land for hours at a time.

It's as smart as a dumb five-year-old child.

And it secretes a neurotoxin that is more powerful than LSD.

Oh, hell yeah.

Aw, got to catch that fish, homes.

Geez, where did it come from?

They say Asia, but if you ask me,

they are not of this world.

They're killing all the fish.

And they're coming after us next, boys.

Ruth, don't scare the customers.

But, seriously, if y'all do catch a snakehead,

do not put it back in the water.

Put it on ice, and call the snakehead tip line.

-Aah!

Did you just huff an airhorn?

Ever since my run-in with a snakehead,

it's the only thing that keeps me sane.

Like we have a hundred dollars

-to spend on this horse crap. -Oh, what do you care?

When I was about to die, you didn't even sniff.

Let me in, you dollar store sorcerer!

I cannot wait for this spiritual shaman to confirm

that I am a witch.

Violet, you are not a witch.

I have BWE-- big witch energy.

Where are you? Come on out, Nostra-dumb-ass.

Hello? Hello?

Sorry. I just was in the little wizard's room.

Betty Jean Hart, as I live and breathe!

More like, as I live and breathe.

You told me my death day was yesterday,

and here I am, still alive.

That is a refund situation.

We're not leaving until you give us our money back.

Oh. Oh, I see what's going on here.

Betty, you thought I was talking about your physical death,

but what I was talking about was your metaphorical death.

-Here we go.

Of course.

How could I have ever doubted you, Vohnnie?

You're still giving our money back.

Minus the cost of this book--

Motherhood, Witchcraft, and the Ties That Bind.

I have to have it. Please, please, please.

Oh, no. Hold on a second. I'm sensing a dark energy.

Yes! I knew it.

It's me. Here it comes.

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

No, it's coming from her.

-What? -Betty, I don't know how to tell you this,

but your daughter is cursed.

Going back a long way.

It's in her blood.

Oh, so I ask for our money back, and suddenly I'm cursed?

Okay, watch this.

So how much to lift this convenient curse

you just discovered?

Oh, I'm afraid this curse runs so dark

and so deep, no amount of money can lift it.

-No! My daughter! -But since I'm her daughter,

I've got some of it, right?

I'm at least a minor hag or a necromancer?

Ugh! I can't be around all y'all's darkness!

This reading was free. Take the book. Just get out!

At least tell me my real death date.

Or better yet, hers.

When am I gonna bury my daughter?

Y'all saw what just happened, right?

He made us think we saved a hundred dollars

when all he did was keep the hundred he already had.

But, Jenny, you're cursed.

Oh, come on. I'm not cursed.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, no, no, hang on.

A bird bathrooming on you is considered good luck.

What does it mean when two more birds poop on you?

It means you're triple lucky, so nothing's wrong.

Just stepped in dog doo, then gum.

I know what I stepped in.

Uh, Mom?

Ugh! Still there!

Ugh! Just get in the car!

See, isn't this nice?

Nobody's eating glass or other non-food items.

Let's just take a minute and enjoy the sounds of nature.

You hooked my eyelid!

Aah, dang it!

You got my eyelid, too, homes.

Oh, Wayne, get a picture of this.

Okay, you know what? Maybe we should just pull the boat in

and then just go home and go to sleep.

This is crazy. That fish

-looks just like the snake...

Oh, my God!

No. Come here, bastard.

Let go, homes.

Let me lick that LSD fish.

Yeah, you heard what that lady said.

-This fish is full of drugs. -No.

She said that its slime is a dangerous neurotoxin.

That's why I want to lick it.

Nobody's messing with this fish.

We had a hard enough time

getting it into the cooler without touching it.

Okay, Wayne. You're right. We shouldn't lick it.

Oh, we should fast-track that buzz by putting it in our rears.

You know, booty-chug that thing, dude.

Oh, hell yeah! Let's keister that fish!

No. No licking, no keistering.

We're gonna follow the instructions

and call the snakehead tip line...

Hello? Snakehead tip line? This is Wayne Edwards.

I have a snakehead, and if y'all don't pay us $20,000,

-I'm-a set it free. -What?! What are you doing?

It's the most wanted fish in North Carolina, man.

People would pay us good money to not release this hostage.

-It's a reverse ransom. -Terrible idea.

Now give me... that... phone.

The snakehead!

Dang, that thing really can survive on land.

I hate to be the I-told-you-so guy,

but this whole thing could have been avoided

if that fish was in my rear.

Welp, looks like this fishing trip

just turned into a hunting trip.

Can't believe you're cursed. Lucky.

Violet, what are you wearing?

Well, you heard what Vohnnie said. I'm not a witch.

I'm just a total boring normal.

Might as well just go ahead and embrace my lame destiny.

Meanwhile, in a minute, you'll probably have snakes

crawling out of your earholes and stuff.

Violet, I'm not cursed. Curses aren't real.

Ow! Who moved this table?!

Hi, Jenny. You got a little surprise in the mail.

Hmm. Okay. Now, would a cursed person get a nice surprise

in the mail? I don't think so.

You got jury duty.

I thought you said it was a surprise.

You seem surprised.

When you're dancing with the devil,

could you put in a bad word for me?

See if you can get me some Carrie powers.

There is no curse.

Okay? I'm just having a bad day.

-Bad things happen to one person

over and over again all the time.

It's called life.

-And when you're an adult... -Mom.

...life just starts to feel

-like one big curse. -Mom.

But you have to power through.

-Mom, your bed's on fire!

Oh, my God!

I'm cursed.

Why'd you have to use my phone?

Now they're gonna trace the call and come after us.

Oh, come on, Wayne. Holding this fish for ransom's

gonna be way more fun than regular fishing.

Doing ransom is not fun.

Look, homeses.

Let's grab it.

Easy. Easy, now.

Gotcha!

Please, Wayne, I need your help.

I need to get back to my home planet,

Blockteetapolakatatee 7.

And this is a real-life E.T. situation.

No.

E.T.s are my species' mortal enemy.

Everyone thinks they're so cute,

but they're actually a planet of serial fondlers.

They fondle our nips and bits, Wayne.

-What? Oh, the things they do to us, Wayne.

The inappropriate jokes,

commenting on the size of our mucus sacs.

We always have to say, "Our eyes are up here."

And those light-up fingers?

Oh, they put them everywhere.

Everywhere, Wayne!

Hold on. You're talking about that cute little dude

in the Blossom hat that eats Reese's Pieces?

What's cute on your planet is aggressively creepy on ours.

So, what are you doing here?

We need a new homeworld, and yours looks delicious.

Pretty standard sci-fi stuff.

-Wait, so you mean... -Ding, ding, ding.

Winner, winner, human dinner.

-No! No!

Wayne, you okay, man?

Aw, it got away, homes.

Wayne, are you all right?

You fellas wanted to go fishing?

-Not really, but okay. -Well...

-We're going fishing. Huh?

Whoop, do you think there was any on my han...

What in the hell?

This is it. The beginning of the end.

I mean, who even knows if I'm gonna wake up tomorrow.

None of this would have happened if you hadn't

roped me into your phony-baloney psychic BS, Mother.

Says the woman who thinks she's cursed.

Well, what else could it be?

A row of sick crows diarrhea-ed on me.

And I tried to play it off at the time,

but that bird poo was very warm, which is gross.

Then I broke my toe. And the crap cherry on top

-was that I also got jury duty. -Wait, jury duty?

Yeah. That's the one you want to focus on?

Hello, Gram. Bed of fire?

Well, I don't know if this helps or hurts,

but I think the jury duty thing might be on me.

How is it that I've gotten jury duty twice in three years

and my daughter hasn't had to do it once?

Huh, is that so? Well, I'll be sure to let them know.

Why would you say that? Ow!

That is the fifth time that has happened today.

Again, y'all, I don't know if this helps or hurts,

but I think I caused your broken toe

and probably that knee thing that just happened.

-How? -To counteract the curse, I feng shui-ed the house

and moved all the furniture over an inch and a half.

Oh, and that bird poop?

We might have another helps/hurts here.

I may have spit my gum out and dropped a bunch of prunes,

Jolly Ranchers and other purse items

onto the sidewalk outside the psychic Vohnnie's house.

-Why did you have all that? -Because she's insane.

It doesn't matter.

So, a few of those curse things were you,

but there's no way you caused my bed to catch on fire.

-No way, Jose. That one was all curse. -I was wrong.

Curses aren't fun.

They're horrifying. Aah!

What the heck is that?

Gram, I don't know if this helps or hurts,

but it looks like your crystal dream catcher

is an Etsy death ray.

Oh, great. I know what that means.

I'm the albatross around your neck.

I'm the one who's been ruining your life.

I'm the curse.

Jenny, this is the part where you say

I've never been a burden, I'm a great mom

and every day is a gift.

No. I'm starting to realize that all the bad things

that have happened to me all these years

are because of you. You're the curse.

You're the dog poop and gum on my shoe.

All right, soldiers. Stay frosty.

I've been in its head. I know how it thinks.

-Wayne is so cool now. -This is so not boring, homes.

Whoa, whoa! Don't step there.

Trip wire.

Nothing's getting in or out of here

without us knowing it.

Shh! You hear that?

It's in the trees.

It's a fish. There's no way it's in the...

Don't let him lay his eggs in you!

Ugh!

-Hey! Hey!

-It took the car keys. -Looks like our fishing trip

that turned into a hunting trip

just turned into a camping trip.

So cold. So thirsty.

Yeah, you're thirsty.

But I bet I know who's thirstier.

Snakehead!

I know you can't breathe on land forever.

I'm guessing you could really use

-a little H2 -O right now.

All you got to do is come out

-and get it.

That's it.

Gotcha!

-Wayne!

-Oh, man.

He even died cool.

Snakehead, time for you to phone home.

-Gram, please stop packing.

You are not moving out.

Violet, you heard your mother.

I am a curse on this family.

I should have died on my death day.

Mother, you're being ridiculous.

Use my rolling suitcase. You can fit more crap in there.

Mom, why are you encouraging her?

Because she's a pain in my butt.

She always has been, she always will be.

Look, we drive each other crazy, so maybe we need a little break.

Or a big one.

-Gram,

don't you think it's a little melodramatic

to storm out of a house that you own?

Violet, hush. Stay out of this.

Don't you yell at my grandbaby.

-Mother, shut up. -Once I waltz out that door,

-she's all I got left. -Stop making this all about you.

Look, we drive each other crazy...

Don't you yell at my grandbaby.

Mother, you're being ridiculous.

Mom, Gram, stop. I'm getting a vision.

I know how to solve this.

Mayor Webb!

Did the snakehead tip line tell you about our call?

Told me? I am the snakehead tip line.

I'm also the anonymous illegal dumping tip line

and the suicide hotline,

but they're the same number, so whenever I answer the phone,

I just say, "Don't throw it all away."

It works for both. Well, anyway,

-I have your 20 grand. -Forget about the money.

We got to destroy this fish.

And call the Marines, the Coast Guard

and the Men in Blacks,

'cause I got word there's more coming.

More coming?

We're surrounded.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Sea is neat, but land is grand ♪

♪ Who needs the water when you've got sand? ♪

♪ No thanks, gills, we've got the thrills of land ♪

♪ Underwater is just all wet ♪

♪ So we became a double threat ♪

♪ Terra firma ♪

♪ Just got more squirma. ♪

Fellas. Fellas.

Are you okay?

Classic snakehead hallucination.

The fish. The fish! Where is he? Did you get him?

No, you did.

You're a hero, Wayne.

You passed out, but you never let go.

What's gonna happen to the fish, homes?

We'll return him to Asia, where he can start a new life

with his family in his natural habitat.

Ah!

Violet, what is all this?

The ceremony works best

if we're close to the moon.

Or whatever.

-A séance? -It's the only way.

"Spirits of the alternate realm,

"we summon thee and ask of you this one simple favor.

-Do not lift this curse." -Wait, wh-wh-wh-wh-what?

Look, all daughters are driven crazy by their moms,

and all mothers are driven crazy

trying to protect their daughters.

So, I'm not a curse on Jenny?

Oh, no, you definitely are. And Mom's a curse to me.

I mean, I've already inherited her stubbornness,

just like she inherited your gullibility.

And you are totally turning into Gram, but that's okay.

Our quirks are annoying, but they shape who we are

and connect us to each other.

The important thing here

is no matter what, we love each other to death.

So, curse, do your worst.

So I have said, so let it be done.

So I have said,

so let it be done.

-Great. I guess we're done here. Violet,

spit in your hand now.

So I have said,

so let it be done.

The Hart women have spoken.

Mother, watch it!

-Mom, a spider web! Ew!

-How did I get so blessed?

Well, the good news is even though I was exposed

to a boatload of toxic fish slime,

the paramedics said my brain

should be back to no time in normal.

Speaking of danger,

you fellas want to douse your pants in lighter fluid

and jump over this fire?

Aw, I finally tuckered them out.

What'd you girls get into this weekend?

Oh, just some light occult stuff.

You know, small family-based exorcism.

Republic of Banana, I send thee to hell!

Wow, they even burn boring.

Jenny, I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble

and will continue to do so till I'm dead.

It's okay. And besides,

I get to turn around and do it all to Violet,

-so feel sorry for her. -So I am cursed.

-Yes! -We all are, honey.

We all are.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH