Original subtitles

Oh! So glad to see you.

We've been out of TP the last few days.

People been using the kid's menu to wipe.

And by people, I mean me.

What's all this?

Oh, I've had my personal deliveries

rerouted to work temporarily

'cause some nasty ole porch pirates

have sailed into my neighborhood.

So silly. I don't even remember

what I ordered, y'all. You know how that is.

Oh, sure.

Buying whatever you want without thinking about the cost?

Totally. That's my whole deal.

-This bitch. Oh,

look at this little dealy-bobber, y'all.

I totally forgot I even got this.

Oh, that's one of those super expensive LED face masks

that sets your face's clock back five years.

You ordered something I would die to own

and then forgot about it.

Literally forgot. -This bitch.

Y'all, online shopping is my nightly ritual.

It's not even about the stuff. It's about the clicking

and knowing something fun is on the way.

An Everlasting Rose.

This bitch.

I must've bought this when I closed my eyes

and I just played that game where I go

"bee, boo, bee, boo, bop" on the keyboard.

The Summer Delight Frozé Machine by Hoda Kotb that turns rosé

into a delicious alcohol Slusherito.

This $500 angel s gonna help me fuel

tonight s spree.

I am so bad.

Okay, well, I ll see y all later.

Good luck with your tips tonight.

Doo, doo-doo-doo.

I see some pretty great tips right here.

We are gonna party with this luxury item tonight.

Yeah, we are.

Huh?

Oh, come on.

-Hey! -Oh. Hey.

Jesus, you know how there s really cool stuff

we all want, the nonessential stuff

that makes life worth living?

Yeah, totally.

I have always wanted a SodaStream, for instance.

So we re on the same page. Good.

Everyone deserves a windfall, and that s where you come in.

Okay, that s my cue. I may hang out on the wall,

but I am not an ATM.

N-N-N-No, I m not asking for cash.

No, just a nudge in the, in the direction of cash.

You know, a little hint, a little wink,

-a little sign, a little somethin' somethin'. -Jenny...

you know I cannot do that.

No, no, no, don't you get back on that wall.

-Hey, is that the Rapture? -Where?

Ah, sweet, sweet sawdust. That's the smell of

something's about to get built.

Oh, thank God, Wayne.

I was just wondering if you could help me,

'cause I can never find an employee in this place.

I'm trying to build a porch ramp

for my mother's wheelchair.

I can't tell you how many times I've

dumped her down those stairs by accident.

Well, we cannot have that.

You're gonna want to head over to aisle 44

for lumber, then aisle 16 for concrete,

then aisle 28 for your joists.

Take a right at commodes.

Oh, Wayne, hey, where's the industrial strength

anchor screws and plaster?

Dawn's boyfriend broke up with her before her shift,

and she was dancing mad.

Ripped the pole right out of the ceiling.

-Oh, shoot, plaster's aisle 60. You there!

-No way... -Who are you?!

-Is that...? -Oh, wow, looks like Old Man Bigsby himself.

I thought he died.

The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

John Bigsby. The John Bigsby.

Wow. I grew up in your hardware store, sir.

This is where I learned how to build stuff.

And your commercials. Oh...

♪ There's no job too big or small ♪

♪ At Bigsby's ♪

Doorknobs, washer-dryers, boxes and brackets.

American flags. Mowers.

And this week only, it's Dimmer Mania!

Dimmer Mania!

-♪ At Bigsby's ♪ -That's me.

That's right, Two-By-Four.

Bigsby's prices are out of this world.

Houston, we have a solution.

♪ There's no job too big or small ♪

♪ At Bigsby's ♪

♪ That's right. ♪

I love your whole vibe, Dad, sir, Mr. Bigsby.

Watching you talk to my customers right now,

well, you're more knowledgeable than most of my paid employees.

Thank you, sir.

How'd you like to come work here full-time?

Work here,

at the church where I grew up, filling the hole

left by my absent father,

where I would come to escape it all?

Just walking down the aisles, dreaming of building my way

out of my difficult home life...

Well, I don't have time for your whole backstory, son.

Grab an apron.

This is a true honor, Dad.

Sir. Bigsby Dad.

You work on Christmas or you're fired!

Oh, we're taking this guy down.

Agreed, homes.

With just one scratch, I could win a million dollars.

That's why I would die for this country.

If you keep wasting money on scratchers,

we'll never get to waste it on anything fun.

Don't you besmirch my occupation,

you communist USA hater.

Stupid scratchers.

Why can't I have nice things?

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. What?

Is this the sign that I asked for?

Seriously, Jesus, I've never bought a scratcher in my life.

♪ I saw the sign... ♪

Okay, that's a little crazy. Oh, but you know what,

I don't have any cash on me, so...

Whoa.

Holy crud balls.

Oh, I can't believe I am doing this.

Hi. Um, I would like to buy one of those

biblical-themed scratch-offs.

My baby's first scratcher.

Today's the day I can finally accept you

as my daughter.

Jenny, wait.

Now, don't scratch it just yet, savor it.

What you're experiencing right now

is called the "gambler's rush."

It's the best feeling in the world.

And it has no downsides.

Okay, now.

Mother... I won!

We won. I'm feeling faint.

Thank you, Jesus.

High kick!

-Whoa.

Are y'all drinking wine from a bottle? What happened?

Did y'all win the lottery or something?

Well, Wayne, as a matter of fact,

-We... -I...

...won $2,000.

No way.

Oh, my God. Jenny!

Hey, are you wearing a Bigsby's apron?

I got a job today.

At Bigsby's?

Well, that is your favorite place on Earth.

Oh, Wayne, congratulations.

Look at us. We are in the money, y'all.

Damn.

Could one of you push me that stray cart?

What the hell?

Aw, look at that, the family

financial planners hard at work.

Hmm?

I am begging you guys,

go straight to the bank with this money.

Do not pass mall, do not spend $200.

We have to break the cycle of barely scraping by.

Ugh, all right, I'll go to the stupid

butt-nerd Ebenezer Snoozeville-no-fun money jail.

-You mean the bank? -Yes. That's what I said, Violet.

Let's work on our listening.

-Ah!

Dude, you blinked. Crotch swat!

I swear to God, dude... Ow!

-Aah, aah... Is this line open?

Do y'all even work here?

Norma, I'm open over here.

They are a couple of clowns.

And I want to feed those clowns to the lions.

Okay, you know what, let me help you with that.

Nice customer service, Wayne.

See that, you lazy pile of turds?

Wayne here has fire.

He's a real Bigsby's man.

It just makes me so angry thinking about you

good-for-noth--

Hey, Bigsby's butt boy, why you working so hard?

Looks like you might need to take a snack break.

-What?

Okay, the "haze the new guy" routine is getting a little old.

Yeah, open your mouth and just let it happen, Wayne.

We got you, bro.

Lord, I wish we could buy ourselves

just a little something.

I know, Mother. Me, too, but Vi's right.

We gotta be responsible.

-Mother... -Pulling in.

-♪ ♪ -Oh, my God...

I've never seen one in person.

It's the height of luxury.

Pure class.

I've only seen shoe chairs in magazines.

Saw Kirstie Alley sitting on one once,

smoking a cigar, looking like a boss.

Okay, well, it's fun to dream.

Let's get to the bank.

-We had to, right? -No choice.

Now get your flat butt out of that gorgeous shoe chair.

It's my turn.

All right, get up. Violet's coming home soon,

and this beauty needs to be

in my bedroom, where she belongs.

-It's from my winnings! -I gave you the idea!

Oh. My disc is bulging.

It needs the firm, luxurious support

-of that shoe chair.

Stop faking, Mother.

No. Not till you give me that chair.

All right, how about you luxuriate

in the chair Monday through Wednesday,

and I'll bask in its majestic wonder the other days.

No way! That gives you the weekends.

Ah. Well, why don't we just swap every other day

-until somebody dies? -Oh, you're just counting the seconds

to my death so you can have that chair.

I'm gonna have to get a food taster.

I am guessing you didn't get that giant shoe

for opening up a bank account.

Ruh-roh. The other shoe chair has dropped.

Guys, come on.

Just let me do my job.

Look, you need to know something, friend.

You're getting in the way of our plan,

which is come to work and not work. Or else!

You're gonna kill me?

Wait, are we gonna kill him?

Probably not.

Put it to a vote later.

Meanwhile, we don't need you around here doing a "good job"

'cause then Bigsby's gonna want that from all of us.

And that is no bueno.

We were never here.

We're supposed to do our cool exit right now.

-Go, go, go. -Copy.

She's done with us.

Well, it's the same way Whoopi looks at Megan McCrain--

pure rage.

Guys, shut up.

I love it.

But you said you didn't want us buying anything frivolous.

Yeah, frivolous.

But this shoe chair is magnificent.

I didn't know I needed it until I saw it.

It is the most beautiful...

dumb-butt, glittering monstrosity

I've ever seen.

-I love you, baby! -It's always that way

-with shoe chairs. -This shoe chair is a dream. -Shoe chairs heal.

Well, I just hope you ladies are ready

for the life overhaul this chair demands.

What do you mean?

We can't sit around looking like this

now that we have a shoe chair.

We need to up the wow factor in our lifestyle.

Hashtag agree, backslash MeToo.

No, Mother.

I know it's gonna be painful, but we gotta be responsible

and take whatever money's left and put it in the b...

♪ Wild women do ♪

♪ And they don't regret it ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Here I come, baby... ♪

We look great.

That felt great. What a rush.

But this is it. The end of the line, okay?

The shoe chair and the outfits and we're fin...

♪ Wild women do ♪

♪ And they don't regret it ♪

♪ Wild women show ♪

♪ What they're going through... ♪

Now we're talking.

That shoe chair is really in its element.

Hmm. I know, but...

What?

Eh, we were happy for a second, but now...

...we're just not feeling it.

Yeah, something's killing my buzz.

Y'all, I know what you're feeling right now

'cause I'm feeling it, too.

But we are out of money.

If we got anything else,

we'd have to put it on a credit ca...

♪ Wild women do ♪

♪ What you think they'll never... ♪

♪ Wild women do ♪

♪ What you think... ♪

Oh, man, those dipwads just left

a running forklift in the middle of an aisle?

What the-- Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa!

I can't brake!

What's wrong with this thing?

Oh, Lord! Oh, what is all that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Aw, Mr. Bigsby, look what Wayne did.

No, Mr. Bigsby, I swear, they did this.

They sabotaged this poor forklift.

It wasn't me, I-I swear.

-Slander! -I'm yelling!

Oh, you disappoint me, Wayne.

No, no, no! Don't say disappoint.

Say a different word. Uh, happy-point?

It doesn't have to be that. Just say, "I love you, son."

I only have one son,

and unfortunately, that's Peter.

What? Really?

Anyway, the other unfortunate fact

is that forklift accidents are a fireable offense.

You heard him, Wayne-O.

Take your hardworking ass on out of here.

♪ There's no job too big or small ♪

♪ At Bigsby's. ♪

You know what? Screw this place.

I'm never coming back!

It's the "get up" alarm.

It's my turn.

My turn in this chair is over when I say it's over.

-Actually, it's our turn. Yeah.

We've been at school all day.

That's on you.

Don't you smudge my turq-waz. I will stab you all!

-Ow! -Unhand my caftan, you elderly banshee!

Get off my chair now!

Or I'm gonna roll you into a ditch!

Warrior cry!

Who am I?

Stop! Stop! Look at what's happening!

This stuff is turning us into monsters.

Y'all, we are better than this.

-Nice try, loser.

Y'all, I mean it.

We went too far.

-All this stuff needs to go back. -Hell no!

You'll take this chair from my cold dead butt.

Make that two cold dead butts.

Mother, I'm sorry, but I'm doing this.

Then I renounce you as my kin,

and I hereby legally adopt David.

Squee!

Oh, Wayne, this day.

Oh, Lord, did the lottery really ruin our lives that quickly?

Yes, Wayne, it did.

Now please tell me about your day at work.

I need some good news.

Well, how do I say this?

I got framed for forklift malfeasance,

and now I... don't work at Bigsby's anymore.

Oh, Wayne...

Also, do you know that they charge an apron rental fee?

I had to write a check on my way out.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Wayne.

But could I ask you to help me

-load the shoe chair into your truck? -What?

Take it back? Aw, no, Jenny. You love that chair.

No, it's going back. That shoe chair is a curse.

It needs to be in all our rearviews.

Oh, what? They took the chair?

You three sneaky Judases.

Make that two sneaky Judases.

Can someone come in here and untie me?

Oh, my Lord, Violet!

Where in the hell did Bonnie and Clyde take the shoe chair?

All I heard was that they were gonna cross state lines.

When Mother crosses state lines, she always stops at one place.

You look amazing, Betty.

What brings those hot buns of yours to the Virginia border?

I'm starting anew with my son

and a life-changing piece of furniture.

Son?

-Is he mine? -Mama Betty.

Your old family. Now o'clock.

Damn it! Get your little heinie in the car.

Mother, if you don't pull over, I will call the church

and tell them your birth year!

You don't know it!

Well, I'll make one up,

and I'll really lowball it.

Look out!

No...!

Like Anna Nicole Smith,

you were just too beautiful for this world.

And the worst part is... is now we can't even return it.

Y'all, I think I can put this mess back together, but...

it's gonna take a pit stop back at Bigsby's.

Oh, Wayne, I don't want you to have to go back in there.

Don't worry about it, Jenny.

I'm not gonna let those turds

take my favorite place away from me.

Can I still be your son?

Mm. Baby, that ship has sailed.

Wayne! There he is. Glad you're back.

No, no, no. I'm not back.

I'm just here to get stuff to repair a chair.

Wayne, I never realized what sad shape this store was in

until you came and went.

This is the last day of Bigsby's Hardware!

-What? -He's gonna blow it up.

Yep. When I started this company,

I knew one day I would either pass it on to my son

or blow it up.

And I'm not passing it to this turd.

So explosion it is.

Mr. Bigsby, no. I-It's an institution.

You don't have any other family you could leave it to?

Well, yes.

I do have a daughter, Amy,

who is chief operations officer of Home Depot.

But sadly, she's a girl,

so I'm afraid the only real solution here is explosives.

Dad, I bet if you hired Wayne back,

he could help me make it wonderful again.

Well, I suppose that's up to Wayne.

Whatcha gonna do, Wayne?

I got an itchy finger and a family history of Parkinson's.

Well, I really think you should consider the daughter thing,

but yeah.

I'd be honored to work here.

Aw, would you look at that...

No...

Don't hit that button!

I got it.

Hang on. This is just a garage door opener.

Which one of you took him?

-Never. Take. Him. -Go!

So you think they're gonna take it back?

If they don't, we'll claim there's a death in the family.

Then they have to waive the cost.

That only works with airlines.

All right. Looks good enough. Refund or exchange?

Refund.

Did you just say ex-shange?

Do you, um, have the same return policy for...

this pirate ship chandelier made of crystals?

Yep. Three days with a receipt.

What about...

this jumbo art deco poster

-of a martini glass? -Yes.

And this monkey dressed as a bartender side table?

Again, everything.

So you're saying we can take turns

owning every item in this store for three days

and eventually get all our money back?

Our official return policy says you could.

But basic human decency says you shouldn't.

♪ Wild women do... ♪

See you in 72 hours, my friend.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH