Original subtitles

Thank you all for being here to celebrate the life

of Miss Anne Stafford,

-a pillar of our community who touched so many.

Miss Anne's dance studio was so much more

than just a place to learn to tap.

It was a haven for girls who had nowhere else to turn.

Oh, Miss Anne!

Taken from us too soon!

Oh, Miss Anne!

Mother, do not make this funeral about you.

-I have a story to tell! -I do, too!

-Oh, Lord. -What's happening?

These two trauma queens turn every funeral

into a sob story competition.

Miss Anne did more than introduce me

to dance and pageantry.

She saved my life.

As you all know, my father died...

during childbirth.

-What...?

He went out for a cigarette

and got run over by an ambulance.

Mother blamed me for Daddy's death.

My father also died.

Serving his country, a true hero,

in the Korean War.

Oh, I just remembered some more details.

My father served in World War II,

which was probably the greatest war.

Way better than the Korean War.

I had to get a job shucking pecans

at the preteen, super tragic age of 11.

While working third shift at the couch cushion factory,

my toe got sewn to a love seat.

I lost the tip of my pointer finger.

But with lots of prayer and my faith

in our Lord Jesus Christ, my fingertip

fully grew back and my nails have never

-been stronger. -Wha...?

Oh, Miss Anne!

Good Lord, how many insane ladies

are gonna bum-rush this eulogy?

Marjune Culpepper.

-Do you have a story to share? -I do.

It's a story I haven't told until now.

When I was just 18, my father ran off.

-My mama got real sick,

and we just didn't know how we were gonna feed the baby.

So one day, she gave me a red satin dress,

made me up and paraded me in front of older men.

-Oh, hell no!

We were just doing what we had to do to survive.

And Mama said, "Here's your one chance, Marjune.

Don't let me down."

-And from then on,

I was bought and sold like chattel

to men who were a minimum seven times my age.

-I was a husk.

And when Miss Anne took me under her wing,

she built me back up, piece by broken piece,

through the power of dance.

Did you hear that crock of dookie Dundee?

She made that whole thing up.

Oh, I'm trying to unhear that web of lies.

What are y'all doing? Cooking up some new sob stories?

Jenny, open your earholes.

Marjune Culpepper just stole the entire plot

of Reba McEntire's hit song "Fancy"

and passed it off as her own life story.

Red dress, locket, "Be nice to the rich men, Fancy."

Baby, tombstone, shack. It's iconic.

Don't sugarcoat it, Betty.

It's the best childhood prostitute anthem ever recorded.

Y'all, come on.

She's not copying Reba. It's totally different.

That song's about a girl whose mother got sick

and couldn't feed the baby so she put her teenage daughter

in a red satin dress and sold her off to rich men

'cause it was her one chance.

Oh, I'm hearing it now. Yeah, she stole that story.

God bless whomever uploaded

the Jonestown Massacre movie from 1980 staring Powers Boothe.

1980s Powers Boothe is a smokeshow.

When I get old enough, I'm totally gonna

-change my name to Powers Boothe.

-If you don't do it, Vi, I will kill you.

-Ugh. Ew. -Gross.

How did the ball get way out here?

-Come on! Throw the ball back! Come on!

They're scoring!

I'm already so violently bored with this ball.

What is it even doing here?

-Just throw it! -You ruin everything!

Hold on. We're trying to decide what to do.

Please, Lord, just one of y'all throw it.

Give me the ball. I'll do it.

Ugh, seriously? We're losing the game.

Honestly, you can just roll it if you need to.

Way to shut down the game, you weirdos.

Bully!

You suck!

Remember I told you, if you at least try, I'll pass you.

But you got to help me out here.

There's literally nothing we could've done.

I mean, are people seeing this?

-Am I crazy? -Classic harassment.

-A hand! -An ugly glove!

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you.

All that love she's getting is based on a stolen song lyric.

Every hug, every pat on the shoulder,

every heartfelt handclasp.

And now Reverend Moore's praying with her?

That should be us getting those extra prayers.

Our stories were the saddest ones by a mile.

Marjune Culpepper needs to be exposed, and then

this whole town will want those hugs and prayers back.

That's right. The saddest thing in her life should be us.

Crystalynn, I do not care for you, but I bet

you're smelling exactly what I'm smelling, y'all.

If you're cooking up a devil's bargain,

I might fix myself a plate.

Hey, did y'all see they got mini quiches...

Oh, no. Not a devil's bargain.

Violet Hart? David Brito?

Come on out, guys. You got to start training

for the Presidential Physical Fitness Exam.

-No, thank you. Pass. -Yeah. We're good.

-We're in the middle of something. -Who are you?

Well, I'm Coach Fowler, filling in for Coach Stikeleather.

I guess he fell off his roof trying to get pine needles

out of his DirecTV dish.

Now, what's all this?

It's called Japanese flower arranging.

We have an agreement with Coach Stikeleather.

We pursue our interests, and...

That's it. That's the entire agreement.

Well, I love where you're going with those flowers,

but this is a gym class, so maybe put a pin

in the flowers and come on down to the track, huh?

Come on, move it. Your flowers are gonna be fine.

What a Nazi. Did you hear that?

"Your flowers will be fine."

Well, that's code for "Don't you dare try to express yourself."

Oh, bless you both for stopping by.

I could use all the cheering up I can get.

Miss Anne's passing really brought up

painful memories for me.

Oh, my gosh, Marjune, we were just so moved by your story.

I shouldn't have waited so long to tell it.

Yes, you might even say your story was a hit.

Yes, it really sang.

You brought the McEntire room to tears.

No one would ever hear it and ask for a Reba-ate.

Well, when you speak from the heart,

it always connects. Cookie?

Wow, she is really not getting it.

We gotta stop being so clever.

I've got a question that'll trip her up.

Marjune, what was the name of that little town

you grew up in?

Um...

-Thinmint. -Thinmint?

Yes, Thinmint.

-You're saying Thin Mint? -Thinmint.

-Thin... -Mint.

Do you ever get back there, to Thinmint?

Oh, I haven't been to Thinmint in years.

You know what, Marjune,

I would love to see this refreshing town

of Thinmint, North Carolina.

You know what? I think that's a wonderful idea.

-It is? -Absolutely.

We should go, the three of us.

I have been carrying around so much pain,

it's time to face it.

And I need you both for strength.

Oh, uh, really?

Yes. So, what do you say, ladies? Road trip?

Uh-oh, looks like she called our bluff.

Hmm? No. Caulderbluff is down more toward Wilmington.

And then this jock comes in and is like,

"Get your asses down there right now!"

Yelling at us to get in line and, I don't know,

man up or something like that.

Wait, he said that?

He might as well have, throwing all his chest beating,

caveman crap around.

And if I fail the presidential fitness test,

I fail gym.

And if the black mark on my record is gym...

Vi, let us know when you feel like you've made your point.

-Her GPA's gonna go down. -Wayne gets it.

That friggin' meathead.

Punishing kids just for being oddball weaklings.

This isn't the 1980s. Weirdos are people, too.

He's totally homophobic. An emotional terrorist.

Well, that terrorist is about to meet the department

of Wayneland Security.

That homophobic, knuckle-dragging,

Kid Rock listening roid rager needs to learn

he cannot mess with people just because they're different.

Mm.

Oh, he's got a boyfriend.

We may have some details wrong about this guy.

Oh, sorry to keep you waiting.

Uh, I was just saying goodbye to my husband.

He's headed off to South America to fix some cleft palates.

It's hard being apart,

but seeing the looks on those kids' faces

is just, oh... wow.

So, what's going on? What can I help you with?

Well, don't take this the wrong way...

It's just that we heard there might have been some...

ooh... emotional terrorism in your class.

Oh, my God, thank you. Yes.

I mean, she and David have been putting me through the ringer.

Here's a list of the things they have done

in order to get out of simply participating in gym.

David pretended to have a heart attack.

Violet claimed to have a split personality disorder

so that I couldn't even talk to her.

Instead, I had to speak to a wolf child named Yoli.

And finally, they called Amber Alerts on themselves

simply to get out of jumping rope.

And all of this was just yesterday.

Oh, no, our daughter's the bad guy.

I blame myself.

I played her some old Jerky Boys albums.

I poisoned the well.

My Lord, these old roads are taking me back.

She's never been on this road in her life.

She's just doubling down on her double down.

Oh, look.

There's Doody's Chicken.

That place used to have the best fried chicken in the state.

Doody was a dear friend of my father's

and the first man who ever made love to me

to the point I said, "Now I get it."

Is she just gonna keep making up roadside memories

until we jump out of this car?

If that's her strategy, she's in for a big surprise.

'Cause I'm not leaving until she confesses to me

like I'm Pope Sean Paul.

-We need to talk. -Wayne, please. If I may.

I am her mother, and I know how to approach this.

What the hell, Violet?!

I marched down there in full Mama Bear mode,

ready to lift a car off my toddler,

only to find out that my toddler was actually driving the car

and she drove it right over her gym teacher,

who was a nice, reasonable man.

A nice, reasonable, gay man,

which I only mention 'cause you led us to believe

he was targeting y'all for being different.

How could a gay guy be mean like that?

And before you say anything,

no, he wasn't even fun mean like the neighbor on Will & Grace.

He was a gentle gay, like Gandalf.

Violet, he said he'll give you and David a "B"

if you can pass the Presidential Physical Fitness Exam.

Which is just some pull-ups, sit-ups and a light jog.

-In one day? -Oh, come on, it's hardly anything.

Well, did you pass it?

-Yes. -Yes, with flying colors.

More... weight!

I'm not the same as you guys.

My body is different.

Oh, God. Cramp. -Aw, shin splints.

-Cramp! Medical grade blisters. -Oh, and my vision is blurry.

I have heat stroke. I feel it.

-My organs are shutting down. Guys.

We're not even to the car yet.

Okay, Violet, in over 45 minutes,

you did just under one push-up.

But we're rounding up, right?

And, David, as far as I can tell, you didn't do anything.

Nuh-uh. I did a half a sit-up.

That's just called lying down.

Bottom line, you guys would fail

the Presidential Physical Fitness Exam

and whatever test they give for osteoporosis.

Ugh. We don't need this. Making me and David pass P.E.

is like making the quarterback learn the difference

between Yaz and Erasure.

Ooh. Perfect analogy.

-Low-energy five? Violet,

stop fooling around.

It's like you don't even care about this.

Ding, ding, ding! I don't.

Boy, she is not going to admit to this lie for nothing.

She sure is going to a lot of trouble

for something that's just gonna blow up in her face.

Wait. It's starting to feel like too much trouble.

-What do you mean? -Let me walk you through this, Helen Keller.

She was cornered, like an animal,

had to think fast, so she just got us on the road...

In the middle of nowhere.

-She's gonna kill us! -She's fixin' to kill us!

Obviously, we got to disguise ourselves

so we can get away from her.

Look around, dummy-- there's always black hair dye

in these gas station bathrooms.

No. When people are trying to conceal their identity,

they bring their own black hair dye to gas station bathrooms.

You guys almost ready?

Hang on!

Betty's doing a real nasty number two.

Why would you say that?

No, I'm not. Crystalynn's the one that had diarrhea.

Marjune, I swear to you I did not have diarrhea.

Just one more minute.

When we leave this restroom,

we have to be two totally different people.

How about you wet that toilet paper and use it as a wig?

A white wig? Like a British judge?

And then I'll squirt that pink soap all over my head

like a punk rocker.

Whatever we do,

we cannot get back in that truck with her.

Why did we get back in this truck?

I don't know.

Violet Hart, you are not gonna give up.

You have to at least try.

I don't want to try, because when I do,

it sucks and it's embarrassing.

It's easier to act like things are stupid

and you're above them.

Then people are less likely to tease you about it.

Oh, Violet, I didn't know how much you...

-Aah!

What the...?

Hey!

Finally! Rocky Horror is coming to Greenpoint after 45 years.

No way!

Guys, do you realize what just happened?

Yes. The town of Greenpoint just stepped into the '90s.

No, you both ran like your houses were on fire.

Well, it was necessary.

Right, so there are some things that get you off your ass.

Of course there are. They just have to be important things.

Like, I don't know, the opposite of gym class.

Well, I think I just figured out how to get you guys to train.

Oh, Lord.

She's gonna Mr. Miyagi us.

I love that look.

You guys are really pulling me out of my funk.

We're surprised you recognized us

and urged us to get back in the truck.

I have to say, at first, I was like, "Who is this?

A British judge and a punk rocker?"

Oh.

This is my favorite part of the drive.

The part where the road gets narrow

and there's not a soul around.

How about a little music?

Y'all, we got to get a plan here.

I got one.

I've been trying to get some of Marjune's carpet fibers

under my toenails for the coroner to find.

Smart move.

I also have swallowed some seat padding,

so it'll be Christmas morning when that coroner empties

the contents of my stomach.

But now I'm thinking, what if it doesn't come to that?

What if we get to her first?

Betty, are you pitching pre-murder?

In self-defense, which is airtight.

But if this doesn't work, we are going down together.

If so, I wish you the best in your afterlife,

as I will not be seeing you in mine.

-Ready? -Ready.

Oh, look, we're here.

Oh, what?!

♪ Well, I remember it all very well looking back... ♪

Well, this is it. My childhood home.

♪ Then Mama spent every last penny we had ♪

♪ To buy me a dancing dress ♪

♪ Well, Mama washed and combed and curled my hair ♪

-♪ And then she painted my eyes and lips ♪ -♪ Lips... ♪

Mama's mirror.

And my hair brush.

My locket.

-Good Lord. -Unbelievable.

Is that little Juny?

-Nancy?

Oh, Nancy, come here to me.

♪ Here's your one chance, Fancy, don't let me down. ♪

This is my cousin Nancy.

Oh, Nan, I'm so sorry I haven't been back.

Juny, why would you come back after being so cruelly sold off?

Oh, my God, it's all true.

It is true, and I heard every word y'all said.

We were in a small truck cab together.

Do you all not understand how sound works?

Now, Violet, I know you don't want to do a sit-up,

but I do know you want to get a closer look at this.

Oh, my God!

Is that really the Xanadu soundtrack on purple vinyl?

-Yep. Want to read the liner notes?

Okay, you probably don't want to see this.

It's just a weird portrait of an alien girl.

A Margaret Keane Big Eyes portrait!

Must look directly into those eyes!

He's got playing cards with pictures of cats

dressed as turn-of-the-century pioneers!

-Oh, my God, kill me! -What does she have?

Tales from the Crypt director's cut!

Unbelievable.

-Grace Jones fashion retrospective.

Taxidermied fox wearing a monocle.

1970s cookbook where every recipe uses Jell-O!

-Congratulations, you did it.

You did the absolute bare minimum to pass this test.

This is the most effort I've ever put into gaining nothing.

I will cherish this for no more than five minutes.

You're doing your own victory freeze frame?

Okay.

-We are bad people. -Yep.

We have wickedness in us, coursing through our veins.

Absolutely.

We almost killed a person.

Correct.

My daddy didn't die in childbirth.

He died in Orlando, in his sleep,

spooning my loving mother at their beautiful,

manicured retirement community.

Yep, and my mother never worked in a couch cushion factory.

She baked in our kitchen every day.

Delicious pork roasts and heavenly layered cakes.

And I didn't lose a finger.

This is my original.

And I still have all the toes the good Lord gave me.

An even dozen.

You are gross.

Nevertheless, we should come clean

to our loved ones about all this.

You're right.

It's time we barfed up the truth, y'all.

However, if we tell our adult children that

much of what they know of their family's past is embellished,

we risk causing them to never trust anyone ever again.

That would be tragic.

Crystalynn, although it gives me hand cancer

to feel your icy finger bones,

I propose we keep this to ourselves

and make another devil's bargain

within our current devil's bargain.

Betty, although touching you feels like sticking my hand

in a garbage disposal full of used needles,

I agree.

So you want a ride home?

I'd rather die than ride in your crap wagon.

Good, because I didn't bring a pet carrier for you,

and I sure as hell don't have any newspaper for your seat.

Isn't this so exciting?!

I hope I brought enough toast for everyone.

I'm really nervous there won't be enough toast.

Wayne, I'm sure people brought their own toast.

Fair warning, when we get to Time Warping,

I treat it more like a mosh pit, so if you get near me,

you will get bruised.

Everybody got their rice ready to throw?

Okay, remember, throw the rice down away from people's eyes.

Do you think this has become too mainstream?

Yeah. Already lame.

Want to go watch Eraserhead?

Yo, Adrian!

I think there was a miscommunication, my babies.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH