Original subtitles

I swear to God, I didn't think

they could get more things going on a pizza.

But they did. This pizza has a churro crust,

but the outer edge is a pretzel filled with cheese.

One of the toppings on this pizza is just tinier pizzas.

And don't forget about the seven-layer dipping sauce

in a giant bowl made of Cheetos.

But that's not all, y'all.

-Check it out, double-sided pizza.

-We got four of these for eight dollars.

Wait, something smells burnt.

Is there a burnt layer to this pizza?

-Oh, my God, something's on fire.

-No, not my white zin, y'all.

It's seasonal!

Yeah, come on, get some.

Well, here's the problem.

Have y'all not been cleaning the lint trap?

Oh, my Lord, you got to clean the lint trap.

No, I don't, Wayne. That is a myth.

-It is not a myth. -It is definitely a myth.

-Started by corporate butts to turn us... -You got to clean the lint trap.

-It says so on the lint trap. -...into lint-trap cleaning sheeples.

Wayne, I have never met a single person in my life

who cleans out their lint trap.

Everyone cleans their lint trap, Jenny.

Then why aren't they saying so?

If everyone cleaned out their lint trap,

people would be talking about lint traps all the time.

Yeah, all those idiots that clean their lint traps

are probably too embarrassed to talk about it.

If I would've guessed what was gonna catch on fire,

I would've put my money on that plug ball from hell.

Well, good news is the damage is mostly cosmetic.

Bad news is cleanup's gonna take at least a week.

Jenny, I know you feel weird about staying over at my place...

No. I don't.

Calm down, Wayne, right?

Mom, he's right.

Whenever we've had to stay at Wayne's,

you've turned into a total freak.

Remember when those skunks started a fight club in our crawlspace

and we had to go to Wayne's while the house aired out?

You lasted, like, 10 minutes.

And in that time, started, like, 10 different pointless fights.

Jenny.

What? It's just a hairbrush.

Jenny, I told you that NASCAR throw is a collector's item.

Oh, come on. It's just a little makeup, it'll come out.

Ow, ow, ow, ow. Oh, damn it.

Jenny, I asked you to at least leave a path.

Sorry, I was about to clean it up.

I don't purposely start fights. Wayne's just too uptight.

That's why we live apart.

Jenny, this is an emergency scenario.

It's-it's just temporary.

Yeah, I know. We'll crash at your place for a few days.

Just a quick crash, you know. Not a big deal.

Cool, cool, cool.

All right, well, let's all hop on the "Cool Cool Cool Express"

to Train-Wreck Town.

Okay, you guys, welcome to Casa de Wayne.

Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, but not too comfortable.

You know, since we're just crashing.

Betty, you'll love this,

I've been leeching cable off my neighbor, Dr. Chakrabarti,

and she gets the full package.

She must be rich as Croesus.

Ion, Telemundo, Tumor Network.

Oh, dang, that one's got teeth and hair.

Uh-oh. Oh, here we go.

Unsolved Mysteries marathon on the Christian Crime Network.

Mother, haven't you seen all of them already, like, 20 times?

They unearthed some Unsolved Mysteries episodes

that had mysteriously gone missing.

That in itself was an Unsolved Mystery.

So, yeah, hey, are you eating yogurt with a fork?

Is this bothering you, Wayne, the way I am choosing to eat my yogurt?

Okay, she's just trying to get a rise out of you, Wayne.

Don't react.

Don't even let your face make an involuntary twitch.

Damn it, she smells blood.

Oops. Oh, I spilled on your Peterbilt rug.

Who has carpet in their kitchen?

Oh, here we go, fight number one.

Ugh. Jenny, what is your deal?

I don't have a deal. Deal or no deal? I'm no deal.

Let's see what the banker says. Ring, ring, ring.

Oh, he says I don't have a deal.

You're being weird. I'm gonna go get some air.

Oh, hey, Dr. Chakrabarti.

Wayne!

♪ Do, do, do, do ♪

Jenny, you must have a headache

from all those wedding bells you're hearing.

I heard you and Wayne finally moved in together.

Oh, Jenny, it's about time.

Louise, Wayne and I are not getting married.

We are only crashing at his place because of the dryer fire.

Oh, I forgot.

You've got your silly, little "issues" with marriage.

What? No, I don't.

You're missing out, Jenny.

My wedding to Daniel was the best moment of my life.

Well, you need to do more stuff then.

-Oh, he is gonna propose. -No. That's not what he's...

Jenny, you should have your reception here at the Last Supper.

Oh, a beautiful Monday morning reception,

'cause Saturdays are our busiest days, and Sundays,

so we'll have to work around that.

Not getting married, Louise.

Probably are, though.

Maybe I'll get to be your "boss of honor."

♪ Do, doo, do-do ♪

♪ Do, do, do... ♪

So Wayne's just acting like a maniac with us living in his trailer,

and we're just trying to power through.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I love him, but he is out of control.

Living together is all about compromise.

Which, luckily, I don't have to do 'cause I don't live with Wayne.

Jenny, I'm no therapist, but I did make all the therapists,

and I think you're freaking out because living together

-feels like a step towards marriage. Horse crap.

And it's bringing up a lot of stuff about Violet's dad

and how you felt pressured by everyone to marry him.

Did you just cough and say "horse crap"?

Jesus, I'm not talking about Don Reynolds today or any day.

I'm just saying, that was the only other person you lived with

and that ended a-real a-crazy.

Why did you say it like that?

I'm trying a sassy best friend thing.

Um, no.

Okrrr!

Catch me up.

This guy's called the "Grits Box Strangler."

He was local, operating out of Lenoir.

With a string of violent crimes throughout central North Carolina,

only one woman ever encountered the Grits Box Strangler and lived.

Who could've survived that killing machine?

Wonder Woman?

Her name? Crystalynn Poole.

-What? No way. -Whoa! Plot twist.

I remember that day like it was yesterday.

I was at the ATM getting cash for church because I'm a big-time tither.

Before I knew it, he'd pulled me into his truck.

I was terrified, but I calmly asked him,

"Young man, would you like to pray with me?"

And he did. Luckily,

there was one other person in that car that day.

The Holy Spirit.

Oh, Lord.

How many nose hairs did she pull to get those tears to squirt out?

I don't know. She was almost murdered.

Something's up. My working theory is that she faked it somehow.

I live in fear every day.

In fear that I'm gonna expose your flat ass.

Wayne, where did you put my phone cord?

I know I left it sitting on top of my suitcase.

I didn't touch it. I know better than to touch your stuff.

Whoa, okay. Take it down a notch.

You're being a little crazy right now.

Do you hear yourself?

Okay, for the sake of our relationship, I'm gonna go get another dose of air.

There's a phone cord in the junk drawer.

-Hey, Dr. Chakrabarti. Wayne!

Oh, "for the sake of our relationship." So dramatic.

Paper clips, Post-its,

big rubber bands, ring box, small rubber bands...

Wait, ring box?

Oh, horse crap.

Thanks for meeting me here, Brenda.

Hey, I was here when you called. So, what's up?

This. I found it in Wayne's drawer.

Is this what I think it is?

Oh, man.

An engagement ring?

You must be farting fire, girl.

'Cause you got an epic big old problem with marriage.

Why is everyone up my butt about this?

Jenny, y'all, I was at that three-ring circus

that was almost your wedding to Don Reynolds.

That mess was a-real ca-razy.

Uh-oh, Jenny, you're pregnant.

Well, now you have to get married.

Jenny, he's rich. You have to marry him.

Honey, you are a woman in America.

You have to get married.

Should I have worn underwear with this dress?

Dearly beloved,

marriage is forever.

Honor thy husband and obey thy husband.

You must obey...

Obey. Forever. Forever.

Obey.

Jenny, no.

Think about my future.

Stop that woman!

We got a runner!

First time on a horse.

In a wedding dress, fully with child.

I am not mad at it.

Oh, God. I bet Wayne's gonna ask me to marry him.

I know, right?

No, Slusherito brain freeze.

-Well, don't chug more.

Betty, what the hell?

I saw you on Unsolved Mysteries.

You're lying about encountering the Grits Box Strangler.

-You made the whole thing up to get on TV. -Wrong!

I earned a coveted spot on that show by being almost murdered.

And Robert Stacks himself told me

that my story was one of the most harrowing he'd ever seen.

You met my Robert Stacks?

Met him? He gave me one of his signature trenches.

-I can still smell the Stacks.

That is ill-gotten.

I've played bridge with you for years, and you got a tell.

In your interview, your eyebrow was flopping around

like a caterpillar on Sanka.

I'm gonna prove you were lying.

So get ready to have your mystery solved for all to see.

-You got it all wrong, Betty.

My story is airtight.

Also, Sanka's decaffeinated,

so a caterpillar on Sanka wouldn't flop at all.

Your analogy makes no sense.

-Dang it. -Oh, I don't think I got it wrong.

I think I got it oh, so right.

And maybe that caterpillar was flopping around because he loves

the rich, full-bodied taste of coffee

without the downsides of caffeine.

Ha!

Dang it.

Let's pick this up t-tomorrow.

-Want the lights on? -Off is fine.

-Why are we doing this? -'Cause we love each other.

And 'cause everyone else is doing it.

You ready to talk about this yet?

-Talk about what? -Oh, wow. Okay.

Well, you're having a dream where you're in a wedding gown

and falling to your death.

You are terrified of getting married,

and you just need to admit it, Frasier's DeNiles Crane.

Oh. Great reference, Jesus.

Yeah. I've been catching up on all the '90s classics.

Friends, Mad About You, Sister, Sister.

Will you just tell me what you're here to tell me?

-Okay, -Wayne's not Don.

-That's it? -That's it.

-Holy guacamole! -CHiPs!

Sorry, I was dreaming about that old motorcycle cop show.

I think I got it.

Gram,

I'm on the Unsolved wiki, and the Grits Box Strangler's

been sitting in a jail in South Carolina for 15 years.

Too bad we can't just talk to him and ask him if he remembers Crystalynn.

-Gram?

Wayne, I know why you brought me here, and guess what, it's not gonna work.

-'Cause you forgot to bring this. -What?

Hey, everybody, it's a restaurant proposal!

He's gonna propose to her!

Except she's the one that put the ring down.

Different times, brother. Different times.

-Who run the world? -Girls!

Why can't you guys sit together? You're both eating alone.

Just go sit together!

Jenny, what are you doing with that?

Is this or is this not an engagement ring?

It's my meemaw's ring.

She gave it to me because she was afraid Uncle Tommy would sell it or eat it.

So you never intended to propose to me?

Okay, sure, I'll confess.

There was a point when I did want to propose,

but I know I can't because of your thing about marriage.

Oh, oh. Oh, so I'm the problem?

I'm the one standing between you and happiness?

I didn't say that. I just...

I know you don't want to be married.

Why does everyone think I don't want to be married?

Because you've said so on multiple occasions.

Okay, well, maybe I'm changing my mind.

Okay, then. Do you want to get married?

-I don't know. Do you? -I do.

Okay, well, I guess we're frickin' engaged.

I guess we frickin' are.

Well, what are you waiting for, dummies?

Clap for us!

Hey, guys. What's up?

Hi, Violet. Great news. We just got engaged.

Yeah. We're getting married.

This seems like a cool situation I've walked into.

Oh, it's the coolest.

I can't wait to start planning the wedding.

'Cause no one's gonna tell me I have issues with marriage.

I'm ready to start planning right now.

-Unless you want to wait. -Nope. Why wait?

When you know you're doing

exactly the thing you're supposed to do, right?

Let's go, Wayne!

Hey, Dr. Chakrabarti.

Oh, hey. Where's Wayne?

Wayne, I know she's a-real ca-razy right now,

but why are you going through with this?

I'm not gonna be the one to say I don't want to get married.

Because then, forever and ever, amen,

I'm the one who didn't want to get married,

and Jenny is not putting that on me.

♪ In too deep, in too deep, can't quit! ♪

♪ In too deep ♪

-♪ In too deep, can't quit! ♪ -♪ I'm makin' a point ♪

♪ And no one's gonna stop me ♪

♪ It sounds crazy, but that doesn't faze me ♪

-♪ Tasting buttercreams ♪ -♪ Yum-yum! ♪

♪ Choosing chicken or fish ♪

♪ You can't stop me from getting cake toppers ♪

♪ And pickin' peonies ♪

♪ I'll find a folksy barn space ♪

♪ Where we'll sit on bales of hay ♪

♪ Hay-hey-hey-hey-hey ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm in too deep, can't quit ♪

♪ In too deep, in too deep ♪

-♪ Can't quit ♪ -♪ Oh, no! ♪

Did you ever almost strangle this woman?

It's hard to say.

When I first started strangling,

I had the eye holes way too small.

Once I accidentally strangled a mop.

She claims she started praying

right before you were about to turn her lights out.

Well, they all kind of did that.

Thanks for nothing, Grits Head.

I just go by Kevin now.

I'm a changed man. I really worked on myself.

I got on meds. I work in the library.

I know everyone's birthdays, too, yeah.

Yeah, I'm the birthday guy.

Sounds like you were more interesting the other way.

Time's up, Kevin.

Holy munchkin!

So, you excited? His birthday's tomorrow.

Betty, if you're in here, you can't scare me.

-I'm afraid the tall tale

you told Unsolved Mysteries

about the Grits Box Stranger came up...

short.

I had a little sit-down with the GBS, "little" being the operative word here.

Let's just say some of the details

of your story need to be heightened.

Spit it out, dummy.

He's short. Short as hell.

A total hobbit, y'all.

Which means there's no way the real GBS

would've been seen behind your early '90s bouffant.

You got someone else to put that box on his head and stage the abduction.

Okay, fine. I made the whole thing up.

I just wanted to meet Robert Stacks

and solve the mystery of what was under that trench!

Ugh! Who are you gonna tell?

Oh, I just might mention it to Binh Ly at Fancy Nails.

I don't care about that. I don't even go there.

But you know who does? Loretta Dix.

-Don't care. -Who goes mall walking

-with Ronnie Anne Lewiston. -Means nothing to me.

Who's in a book club with Latrice Beasley.

Never heard of her.

Who plays pickleball with Noreen Blix,

who I believe goes to your church.

Not Noreen!

Dammit, Betty, name your price.

I might could think of something that would keep me quiet.

If you have any information about the butt-whooping that you just saw,

our operators are standing by.

Mother, where have you been?

Oh, just down in South Carolina

having a face-to-face sit-down with a serial killer.

What's going on here?

Oh, not much.

Just Wayne and Mom are locked in a stupid game of chicken

that will result in them being married.

No. We are deeply in love.

And so society won't brand us total freaks, we're getting married.

Don't worry, Violet. She'll never go through with it.

This one's got big-time marriage issues.

Bet they haven't even set a date.

Um, did somebody say we haven't set a date?

What's today's date? 'Cause that's the date.

Today?

What's wrong, Wayne? Don't want to get married?

No, I-I do.

Everyone put your shoes on. We're going to the courthouse.

So I guess nobody's gonna ask me

about Robert Stacks' trench coat?

Mmm...

All right, who's next?

Oh. A wedding.

-Yep. -Sure is.

Yup. Just like most weddings,

an entire parking lot saw the bride change in the car.

Okay, y'all seem real angry,

and that's coming from a city employee,

but I'll do my best to make this special for y'all, okay?

Dearly beloved,

blobbity-blob, special day,

love is patient and kind,

bleegitty-bloo, tears in heaven,

sickness and health... ooh, text from my daughter...

marriage is work,

deedly-do, blah-blah, etcetera, etcetera.

Do y'all have vows?

I wrote some vows.

Just read them.

"Dear Wayne, I do have issues with marriage."

-Okay, you know what? -Read.

"What we have is so perfect

"I'm afraid to change anything about it.

"I infinity love you,

"all the way to the Moon and back,

"and I don't need a piece of paper to prove it.

"And we both know I'm never gonna empty the lint trap."

-Wait, it just ends like that? -Wayne? Now you read.

"Dear Jenny, I promise I won't get all up your butt

"about the damn lint trap anymore.

"You fill up the lint trap in my heart

"because you make me feel all warm and fuzzy."

Oh, you captured my voice.

-"I think this relationship is perfect,

"and I don't even want to get married, because you are my family until forever."

Violet, your vows were perfect.

Thank you, Peanut.

Without this ring, I don't be wed.

I don't, either!

Okay, well, that wedding was a-real ca-razy.

I don't know what to pronounce you two.

Don't pronounce them anything.

They're fine the way they are.

-This is the reception.

Oh, y'all.

I wish Ed was here so he could see his daughter not get married

in such a beautiful dumb-butt way.

♪ Love shack is a little old place where ♪

-♪ We can get together... ♪

♪ Bang, bang, bang ♪

♪ On the door, baby ♪

♪ Knock a little louder, sugar ♪

♪ Bang, bang, bang on the door, baby ♪

♪ I can't hear you ♪

Ooh!

No! Y'all don't worry about me.

Go back to dancing.

You got the room for another ten minutes.

-♪ On the door, baby, bang, bang ♪

Sorry. Just trying to clean up before the next group.

-Shoot. Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! -♪ You're what? ♪

♪ Tin roof ♪

♪ Rusted ♪