Original subtitles

Good evening, I'm MayKay Bueller.

Our top story tonight...

the rumors are true.

We might be getting a white Christmas this year, y'all!

Ooh-wee!

TV 12's Big Weathers has the details.

Uh, Big?

That's right, MayKay, there might be the possibility of a winter storm

any time in the next 12 to 78 hours

or minutes

with estimates of precipitation ranging anywhere

from zero to 26 inches.

with the chance of that being

not very to very likely.

Keep us posted, Big, because as you know,

as much as we southerners love snow,

we are not used to it.

Can you give us some pointers, Big?

First things first, you need supplies.

So get to the grocery store immediately

to buy bread and milk.

Otherwise you'll freeze to death and starve, Big.

Next, be on the lookout for signs of frostbite...

Ooh-wee...

-...whiteouts, and when driving,

always assume you're on black ice.

The silent killer, Big.

Ooh-wee-wah-wah-woo-woo!

Aw, remember this one?

I never knew Santa had so many hobbies.

Surfing, fishing... how does he find time to do all this stuff?

I'll tell you how.

Slave labor. That motorcycle right there?

Built with the tears of indentured elves.

Okay! Everyone get ready.

Here come the lights.

You call that a tree?

Charlie Brown bullcrap.

Mother... go outside.

What are you doing, obsessing over some Christmas

that we can't have?

I don't want you making Violet feel bad about the Christmas we do have.

Well, you can try and wrap your hugs and put 'em under the tree or some crap,

but, Jenny, we both know that little girl isn't gonna love you

properly unless you bust her stocking with some fancy gifts.

Well, Louise has been hinting

that she's gonna give us Christmas bonuses.

Okay, well, don't you worry.

Santa Betty's gonna provide this year.

Look what I got in the mail.

Oh, Lord, what's that?

It's my bladder mesh settlement check!

Christmas is on me!

Get ready for the most luxury gifts.

Brookstone's, Belk's, Ferrero Rocher's chocolate balls!

Just like when my mesh broke, I am gonna make it rain.

Look again.

There might be 2,000 more checks in there.

(TUNE OF JINGLE BELLS) ♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo, I have a surprise ♪

Thank you, Louise.

Oh, I need this so bad.

What?

Where the hell is the bonus?

"You are cordially invited to Daniel and Louise Culp's

"annual Christmas Extravaganza, colon,

"a Festival of Joy, Lights,

"Merriment and Fellowship, and Good Tidings.

"Have You Been Good, question mark.

Santa's Coming Party, exclamation point"?

Why is Daniel's head so big?

Oh, Daniel couldn't make the photo shoot because he had

a businessman meeting, so I computer-shopped him in.

Well, Louise, the Hart Family has a pretty big blowout

of our own planned.

I cordially say, "Hell no."

It's mandatory.

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

Happy almost birthday!

Hey, how old are you?

Little hack for that... just think what year it is,

and that's how old I am.

Do you have any big plans?

Well, I was hoping to just do, you know, a simple Christmas

at home with my family, but Louise is making us

go to her big, fancy-butt, richie-rich Christmas party.

Sounds like you've already got something in your

Christmas stocking... a lump of jealousy.

What? I'm not jealous.

It's just that Louise's Christmas is gonna be

so show-off amazing, it's gonna make

our dumb, little Christmas look like a cold turd

on a paper plate.

Well, okay, maybe I am a little jealous.

Feelings of jealousy are completely normal.

But don't let it ruin your Christmas.

I get jealous, too, you know.

You do? Who could you possibly be jealous of?

W-W-Wait, let me think, let me think.

Criss Angel?

Did you say Criss Angel?

No.

I'm talking about Santa.

Swooping in on my birthday,

handing out gifts like some cool weekend dad.

Wait, should I be jealous of Criss Angel?

No, I mean, I mean, I don't think so.

That should have been a way more definitive answer, Jenny.

That's not even his real name, you know?

It's Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos.

Say that when your plane's going down.

Hmm, come on! I need a Christmas miracle.

Think, Betty, think.

Scratchers, returns, Kohl's Cash?

No, got to think outside the box.

Biology... selling blood, stealing kidneys?

Sleight of hand? Fake my own death?

Social Security fraud?

Selling secrets, treason?

-Gram? Gram!

Are you okay? You were mumbling "treason" to yourself again.

No, I am not okay! I can't do another discount Dollar Tree Christmas!

Well, suck it up, Mother.

Our Christmas is gonna be great as soon as we get back from pretending

to enjoy Louise's Christmas party.

Is this gonna be a Sunday School "cookies and Kool-Aid" type of deal?

Should I bring my own beers?

No, there's an open bar.

It's gonna be a richie-rich nightmare.

To see how people are preparing for the storm,

let's join MayKay at Harris Teeter.

Big, shelves have been picked bare,

as people stock up on essentials.

The milk is completely gone,

-even powdered and condensed.

And in the bread aisle,

all that's left is the diabetes bread.

My doctor's been telling me to eat that for years,

but I would rather starve to death under ten feet of ice, MayKay.

Ooh-wee-wow!

Thanks again for coming

to this stupid party.

Let's just hope it isn't too lame.

What? I bet you can see this from space.

Dang, all that's missing is the Polar Express.

- Nope.

They got that, too.

That conductor's not actually Tom Hanks, right?

Tom!

He looked over.

Just leave the car up front. We won't be staying long.

I was told to park all vehicles

with truck nuts around back.

-That's fair. -Rude.

Here he comes again... Tom!

Ah, he's working.

Now, this is the Christmas we deserve!

-Mother! -Oh, my God.

It's the biggest littlest town I've ever seen!

I've seen bigger... and littler.

I mean, I guess it's cute in a gross, show-offy kind of way.

Doo, doo-doo-doo. Welcome to the East Pole, y'all,

from me and my head elf Daniel.

Daniel, come say hi.

Daniel, y'all, where is your elf hat?

He has this elf hat I bought him that he just loves.

Baby, look, they have teeny, tiny hamburgers.

They made 'em elf-sized for Christmas.

I got you one already.

I ate the pickles 'cause I know you hate 'em.

Oh, you're so sweet.

But, remember, we got that cheeseball at home.

Daniel, bring me some chips.

You know the kind I like.

He's going to get the kind I like.

And guess what else.

We have a very special celebrity guest coming tonight.

Ian David Cole.

Oh, I don't think we're gonna be able to stay for...

Greenpoint Community Theater's own Ian David Cole?

His bluegrass production of The Elephant Man changed my life.

Get ready to shake his hand, Wayne.

After he does his annual recitation

of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.

-Louise saw me. Let's get out of here. -But Ian David Cole.

A mini-town bigger than our living room.

-Free shrimp. -And Ian David Cole.

No. That delicious cheeseball isn't gonna dip Triscuits into itself.

-Now let's go.

-Snow! -We need bread and milk!

Why didn't we get bread and milk yet?

-Look out for black ice. -Steer into the skid!

Drive faster. We got to beat the storm.

No, you steer away from the skid.

That's not what I was taught.

Dawn, you're going too fast.

They changed it a few years ago.

-No way. -Hand to God.

My foot's on the brake!

You're not going anywhere in this.

Oh, my Lord. Tom Hanks, no!

Well, it looks like the dream of a white Christmas

has turned into a nightmare.

This is the scene right now on Elmwood Avenue. MayKay?

Thanks, Big. Well, we are standing here with the Mayor Webb,

who came down here to survey the accident.

You just speak right into the top of this.

Oh, I didn't come here to survey it. I was in it.

I was fully in the accident.

-I'm bleeding. -You're fine.

Now, Mayor, I'm told there is a salt truck coming down from Kentucky?

You just speak into the business end right here.

I tried to call a salt truck.

There was just a Hispanic outgoing message,

and it went straight to voice mail.

Did you try a different salt truck company?

You just talk right there. This-this picks up the sound.

No, MayKay, I don't know other salt truck companies.

You think when you become mayor, they just give you

a magical list of all the salt truck companies

-in the world?

I'm making snow devils, baby.

-I'm pinned! -Big?

Oh, this is perfect. We're snowed in.

It's so perfect. We're snowed in.

Now, before you panic, we do have both bread and milk.

Isn't this romantic, y'all?

Everyone, just grab your partner and get Christmas cozy.

I know I'm about to. Daniel?

Okay, I'll find him.

Part of me feels sorry for her,

but most of me just wants to drink her out of house and home.

Good thing the human body's got two livers,

and we only need one.

Brenda, I told you that's kidneys.

You sound like my professors at nursing school.

Hold on, do you have a loose meatball rolling around in your pocketbook?

Oh, I got a baker's dozen loose meatballs in my pocketbook.

You got your meats, then you got your crudités,

iced pocket for shrimps, and the bottom is just a lake

of various sauces and dips.

I'm getting my bonus one way or another.

Well, look, if we're gonna be stuck at this party,

we might as well make the best of it. Right?

Pound some food, drink a ton, and go anger-snooping.

If we find some Louise dirt, we'll feel so much better.

You had me at anger-pooping.

"Merry Christmas, Louise. There's a doody in your dryer."

No, I said anger-snooping.

I know. I was just kidding about anger-pooping.

I'm not an animal, Jenny.

Bweep, bweep, bweep.

"Oh, no. Aliens."

"I'm your tiny leader Frosty."

"Kill it before it kills us first."

"Oh, God, it's shooting me with a freeze ray.

"Oh! Oh, all my limbs are coming off!

"Oh, it burns.

I love my limbs. Not my limbs."

Doo, doo-doo-doo. Sad news, y'all.

I'm afraid Ian David Cole was not able to make it

'cause of the snow.

Damn it! No!

-Or was I?

I've been here all night.

Holy what?

Life is a stage, and the stage is my life.

And you are my co-stars.

Give yourselves a round of applause.

Friggin' theater's Ian David Cole.

Think, Betty, think. Focus.

Vase, crystal,

silverware, case of wine, sugar daddy, chandelier.

Find your hustle. Where is it?

Cigar smoke.

Bingo.

No, we aren't playing bingo.

We're helping Daniel hide from his ball and chain.

-Hey, aren't you Jenny Hart's mama? -Sure am.

You got a good-looking daughter, Ms. Hart.

You look good, too, for an old.

Oh, that's so sweet of you to say.

Can I play? I got cash.

Kohl hard cash.

Oh, my Lord, she is priceless.

Dare I even say hot?

I say we let this ancient cutie sit in.

Okay, now what's the difference

between the pointy shovels and the bumpy shovels?

Look at all this dumb crap that could've been our bonuses.

A crystal bird? What's that even for?

-This bitch. -A mahogany box

with nothing in it?

This beotch.

This bitch.

This beotch. This bish.

This bitch!

I've seen every production you've ever done, Ian David Cole.

I loved your musical version

of The Odd Couple where you played both characters.

Delightful.

Why haven't you tried out for anything, Wade?

Oh, yeah, it's Wayne, with an "N."

No, it isn't. It's Wade.

Wade Rock.

That will be your stage name when you join me onstage.

You have a real presence. I can feel it.

Oh, no. I-I love watching theater, but I can't do it.

The one time I tried it, I really dookied the bed.

Oh-ho-ho-ho, Wade.

Don't talk about my friend Wade like that.

I'm sure you were wonderful.

No. I mean I really dookied the bed.

Oh, Smee, what a rogue and peasant...

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

So, yeah, I literally dookied the bed.

Onstage, in front of everyone.

Ha-ha! That's not delightful.

I got so nervous trying to remember all those lines.

Wade, you've got to get back on that stage.

Otherwise, the dookie wins.

I could teach you.

Oh, I don't know.

You remember the lyrics to your favorite songs, don't you?

♪ Love in an elevator ♪

Hell yeah.

Delightful!

You just acted!

Delightful!

I have no idea how I'm winning all these...

what are they called, chips?

Okay, you're big blind, little blind. Let's see the flop.

Oh, would you look at this bed.

There's probably $10,000 worth of pillows.

-Bonus! Bonus! Bonus! -Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!

No luck in her drawers.

Ooh, I can't wait to see how many trillions of dollars

of purses she's got.

Anything good in there?

No, no. Uh, false alarm.

Uh, but I think I did see some Adderall

in the kids' Jack N Jill bathroom.

Jackpot! Someone's gonna pass her nursing test.

Hey, Louise...

This party is a disaster.

Sorry, what?

This party.

It's just a big ol' sparkly ol' Band-Aid

on a nasty secret wound.

Is it?

All appearances to the contrary,

things are not great between me and Daniel.

What?

At the very least, I thought if I put up a ton of mistletoe,

maybe Daniel would give me a kiss,

but he's dodging mistletoe like Tom Cruise dodged those lasers

in Impossible.

Louise, Daniel is lucky as hell to have you.

And this party is amazing.

And if it makes you feel any better, I'm super jealous.

Oh, Jenny, it does.

Thank you.

Jenny, you have a beautiful family

that loves you, and you're so lucky to have Wayne.

He brings you sliders, and he knows your pickle preferences.

Thanks, Louise.

Wayne is a sweetheart.

I wanted you and Brenda to come here tonight,

'cause the guest list is mostly Daniel's friends and family.

I just wanted some friendly faces here.

You need a little hug?

I think I do.

Now, can you pet my head like my grambie used to?

Uh, like-like this?

Slower. Smoother strokes.

Like a cat.

Okay, Louise, I think you need to just open up your mouth

and tell Daniel that you deserve respect

and you deserve love.

You're right! I'm gonna go tell him right now.

Uh-oh. Well, uh, no.

Uh, maybe don't do it now,

with a house full of snowed-in party guests.

I'll raise you 50,

and another 50 for calling me old.

Betty, you are on me like self-tanner on a white couch.

I'm all out of cash, so I'm gonna have to throw this in.

This antique smoke show is gonna bust us all.

Hey, Daniel, you in or out?

Uh-oh. Looks like that little fishy just jumped off the hook.

It's day 63 since the arrival of Frosty.

Christmas as we know it has ceased to be.

The cannibalism, well, that started almost immediately.

-I can't believe

what happened to Miss Beverly.

Miss Beverly had it coming.

Doo, doo-doo-doo.

Daniel Everett Culp III,

I have a bone to pick with you.

-Oh, boy. -What?

I may have accidentally told Louise to make a giant scene

-at her party. -Oh, hell yeah!

Daniel, I don't know what is going on with you lately, but...

Oh, just when I was starting to think

you were a Christmas Grinch,

you go and corner me under the mistletoe?

Daniel, shug, you can't just leave the table

in the middle of a hand.

Bad form.

Get your buns back down here.

Uh... mm...

Hi, Jenny.

Uh...

-Ew.

It's a Christmas miracle.

More like Grossmas spewacle.

Smooching won't get you out of this.

Ooh.

Daniel, so silly.

Attention, everyone!

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

will be recited by my young protégé,

- Wade Rock! - What?

You can do it, Wade.

Remember Love in an Elevator.

♪ 'Twas the night ♪

♪ Before Christmas ♪

♪ Not a creature was stirring ♪

♪ Not even a mouse ♪

♪ All the stockings were hung ♪

♪ By the chimney with care ♪

♪ In hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be ♪

♪ There... ♪

It was just a toot!

Delightful, Wade!

You did it!

Doo, doo-doo-doo, y'all.

Now I'd like to express some Christmas gratitude.

-Huh?

Jenny, y'all, Brenda,

here are your Christmas bonus checks.

-And I'd just like to say

that I'm so happy that it accidentally worked out

that all of y'all happened to be here

to share this wonderful, charitable moment with me.

She just called us charity.

This bitch.

♪ 'Twas the night before Christmas ♪

♪ Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse ♪

♪ All the stockings were hung by the chimney with care ♪

♪ In the hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be ♪

♪ There... ♪

Now it's a perfect Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho, y'all.

Those cheapskates didn't want to cash out my chips.

But I did manage to get the cash equivalent,

giving us the merriest Christmas ever.

Oh-ho! The crystal bird!

Evil Frosty the Snow Alien?

Gram, thank you. I love it.

No way. A gently worn polo and a Citizen watch?

This'll go from work to play like a champ. Delightful.

And a fresh set of AAs

right out of Daniel's universal remote.

That's right, y'all, we are bringing Saxy back.

-Merry Christmas, everyone! -I love you guys.