Original subtitles

Legend has it,

every year on Halloween night,

Lydia, the famous Greenpoint ghost, appears.

She walks along the road, hoping to hitch a ride

to find her way home.

-Hiya. -And if ever someone picks her up...

-...she disappears.

Stop telling that story, Violet Elizabeth.

I'm scared of ghosts. I hate ghosts.

At camp, when I was little,

a ghost brushed my hair.

I went to bed, and it was parted squarely down the middle.

But when I awoke, it was an aggressive side part.

I want to get haunted by a glam squad.

Ghosts are not real.

Except for Lydia. -Aw, come on, guys.

She walks ethereally

across the Greenpoint Bridge.

She's bathed in an eerie glow that illuminates

her pale, pale face!

Oh, God. Not paleness.

Some claim to have heard her murmur

"I need to go home to the spirit world.

"Get out of this world. Let go!"

How would she even open the door?

Her hands are air.

Aw, man, my butt cheeks are so tight.

You know what, Wayne? It's time.

You need to get over your fear of the spirit world.

And there is only one way

You have got to confront it.

We got to find Lydia. Tonight!

We are gonna embark on a little ghost hunt.

Nope, Leonard. No way. No way.

Lydia. Lydia.

I'm gonna brush your hair.

Stop it. Okay, I do not do well with scary voices.

Welcome to Biscuit Town!

Jenny. You ready as hell for Halloween?

I.e. the highlight of my year?

Uh, yeah. I could say I'm ready.

I'm almost ready. Under a lot of pressure though.

I got my whole family coming in from hither and yon.

Cousin Brenda, Aunt Brenda, Grammy Brenda, Meemaw Brenda,

even little miss hoity-toity Nephew Brenda.

The whole mess of them.

if you're gonna come out with the Brendas,

you got to wear a slutty costume.

If you don't, you will be the only one,

and you will feel uncomfortable.

Well, I've got my costume picked out,

and I'm not telling you what it is,

but you may have heard rumors.

-Stevie Nicks. -Let me finish.

That if I entered a costume contest,

I'd win by a landslide.

Stevie Nicks?

Okay, it's Stevie Nicks.

She better be Slutty Stevie Nicks.

Costume's a lot of layers and scarves,

but there is a plunging neckline.

Can you at least skip the bra?

-I guess so. -Aces!

So, you excited for Halloween?

Oh, yeah. It's my favorite holiday.

I love Halloween, too. In fact, tonight, I'm not Jesus.

I'm the Seeker for Gryffindor.

Oh, that's so cute. I love that for you.

It just works, right?

A young man with magical powers.

-Yeah. -Fighting evil.

-Totally. -Both have books

that people are obsessed with.

-Just top to bottom uncanny. -Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

I can't believe I've been going on and on about Harry Potter.

That's so insensitive of me.

Wait, what? Why?

Because Harry Potter's dad died when he was young,

just like you, and it took him a really long time

to deal with it, just like you.

What? No. I...

I'm fine.

Why are you even bringing this up?

Because it's Halloween, and that was your dad's favorite day.

You know, I'm not the one still hung up on my daddy's death.

It's my mother. She can't even mention his name

without falling to pieces.

I know. She prays about him all the time.

She does? Wait, are you allowed to tell me that?

Shoot. Nope.

-Now I got to wipe your mind. -You do that?

No, I'm just kidding.

I could totally do it, though.

Violet, your granddad loved Halloween.

Me and Ed's couples costumes blew everybody's socks off.

Oh, Violet, get me that photo album, honey.

I love these pics.

You guys were so '80s.

Well, it was the '80s, and '80s stuff was all the rage.

One year, I was a Robert Palmer girl

from the "Addicted to Love" video,

and your granddad was Robert Palmer,

only more handsome.

The aviators? I can't.

Ah, and then this was the year

I was Tawny Kitaen from the Whitesnake video,

-and he was David Coverdale. I can't.

I did front walkovers on the hood of his car all night long.

Look at that hair. I can't!

Oh, and here's Ed doing the Halloween moto-jump

that made him famous

on his beautiful custom cycle.

Back in the day at the Halloween Bridge Party,

they'd light a big bonfire, and your granddad would jump it.

Look at that form.

Just look at those legs.

I'm looking. Quads for days.

They were powerful.

Leading right on up to his perfect buns.

I miss him so much.

-The book came out.

Oh, thank God I'm going out with Brenda.

Unless you want me to take you out trick-or-treating.

Oh, we could build such great memories like I did with Daddy.

Mom, I'm too old.

I'm going ghost hunting with Leonard and Wayne.

You're never too old. You'll always be my baby. Come here.

-I bet I can still pick you up. -Mom!

Whoa. Hang on. I want to see her try and pick you up.

Come on, just give me a little jump.

One, two...

-Who jumps on two? -Oh, hey, y'all, look.

They're doing a story on the bridge. Turn it up.

So you better get yourself down

to the Famous Greenpoint Halloween Bridge Party, y'all.

our own Mayor Webb.

Talk right into this, honey.

Yeah, tonight's the big party

where we celebrate our legendary hitchhiking ghost, Lydia.

Ooh-whee-oh!

Lydia? Well...

Now, is it true that this is the last year for the Bridge Party?

-Talk into this, right here. -Yes.

What? Jenny!

Unfortunately, the bridge is smack-dab in the middle

of the site for the new Highway 311 extension.

Demolition begins early next week, so don't miss it.

Turn it off. Turn it off!

Hey, Gram, you okay?

It was Ed's dying wish.

What was Ed's dying wish?

To have his cremains spread at that Bridge Party.

That's what's in that container?

I thought it was filled with old butterscotches.

Wait, that was his dying wish? Are you serious?

As a heart attacked.

And you've just left Daddy sitting on the mantle?

-It's been on my to-do list. -For 13 years?

Well, I didn't think there was a rush. Ashes don't go bad.

Mother, this is crazy.

We got to do this tonight. Come on.

Tonight, I'm gonna do something

I should've done a long time ago.

It's time to set Daddy free.

Me and Ed need a minute, y'all.

Oh, Mother, please tell me

you're not gonna tongue-kiss that urn.

Jenny, shoo.

Mother!

Well, no offense, Jenny, but I'm not stepping foot

back in your house until your daddy's cremains

are G-O-N-E.

Wayne, you're talking about Daddy. Don't be so mean.

This mess is hard. Stop being such a fraidy-cat.

Sorry, I'm just saying all the wrong things.

Oh, my God.

I still think you look more like Joan Rivers.

No. I am Darryl Hall, and Ed's cremains

are the spitting image of Oates.

Looks like a caterpillar on a cookie jar.

Do not disrespect your father, or Oates.

What the hell happened

-to Ed's party? -Yeah, I heard it wasn't

what it used to be, but this?

This is some next-level boring-ass

Matchbox Twenty bullcrap.

Okay. Let's have a big hand for The Giggle Pants Three!

Hello, everyone, and happy Halloween.

-Yes, my babies!

It's All Hallows' Eve.

Or should I say, Satan's Birthday?

-Boo! It's not Satan's birthday! -Shut up, Randy!

-Randy, please.

As I was saying, happy Halloween!

We have a lot of fun planned for you tonight.

There's a phantom photo booth, ghastly games,

and if you keep your eyes peeled,

you might just see Lydia the ghost

handing out a free toothbrush,

courtesy of Greenpoint Dental.

Ugh.

Ugh, is there anything lamer than

talking about dental hygiene on Halloween night?

There's a scoliosis testing booth.

Well, there it is.

And, uh, that's it.

So, happy Halloween,

and let's party!

But not too loud. We are by the senior center and sound carries.

Carries. Carries. This is a nightmare.

Okay. We are currently at the point of no return.

Beyond this border lies a world of specters, banshees, wraiths.

Zombies, magical trolls.

Disgruntled apparitions, grouchy unicorns with Dracula teeth.

-Shadow walkers. -Middle-aged men

in hemmed jean shorts, socks and sandals.

Oh, my Lord. I... Can we just get on with this?

I only agreed to come here if we get it done quick.

No ghost is gonna brush this hair tonight.

Doo, doo-doo-doo.

Happy Halloween,

from peanut butter and...

Go ahead, Daniel, tell them what you are.

He knows.

He's just being silly. He's jelly.

It's 'cause loving me is his jam.

Isn't that what you said, Daniel?

He did. He told me that this morning.

You know, I didn't used to like this party,

but now that it's dry, we can have good clean fun.

Right, Daniel?

-Did she just say "dry"?

Oh, well, looks like we're heading off for the next thing.

Oh, Daniel, wait up, you silly.

Jelly doesn't make any sense without peanut butter.

Ugh. I'll never eat a PBJ again.

Now, let's get down to business

-and start spreading Daddy's ashes. -No way.

We can't spread Daddy's ashes on this solid gold dud-fest.

All eternity on a mantel is more fun than this party.

We're not gonna do this to you, Ed.

-Come on, let's get out of here. -Hang on. I think I know

just the person who can turn this snooze-a-palooza

into an Ed-stravaganza.

Brenda attack!

Let's do this!

Brendas, roll out!

We got a party to start!

Slutty Nun Brenda. Slutty Bride Brenda.

Slutty Cop Brenda. Slutty Slut Brenda.

Let's go!

Brendas! Fan out and lay waste.

Copy that...!

-Okay, now!

-Hell yeah! -That's right!

-Oh, now we're cookin'.

Happy Scatterday, Daddy!

Brenda...!

-Ooh!

It's so nice to finally meet you, Jenny.

You and the Brendas really saved this party.

And I'm loving this costume.

Yeah, I'm Eve.

The O.G. slut.

And guess where I got my zombie juice.

In the snake. You can drink from the head or the butt.

Dealer's choice!

Daddy would have loved me drinking Fireball

out of a snake's butt.

Give me that!

Oh, hey, and, Jenny, I hope you didn't mind,

but I invited some friends.

Yeah!

Oh!

-What are all those bleeps and blorps?

This thing right here is an EMF scanner.

This one listens for frequencies up above 50 kilohertz,

or what we call "The Spooky Spectrum."

And I'm just filming Leonard,

'cause that's the real show.

Okay, brambles are getting thick.

Everybody, stay close.

Oh, God. I think I'm already lost.

-Leonard, is this you?

Nope, it's a bush.

Burn, baby!

This is amazing, y'all!

Just like old times.

Welcome to hell, my babies.

-Two, three, four! Yeah...!

Ghosts and goblins

Spirits and ghouls

Golden goblets

Treasure and jewels

Earthly temptations

Pleasure and sin

Give in to the dark side

Let the mayhem begin...

-Great party. -It really is, though.

Just like the old days.

Uh-oh, I'm lost.

Everyone, follow the sound of my voice.

Oh, Lord, I'm gonna pass...

I'm gonna pass out.

Ed Hart's spawn to the stage, please.

Devil's ferry

Who will pay the toll?

Give a coin to the boatman

-Or he will steal your soul

Said the squire to the master

Another mortal sold

-It's All Hallows' Eve Last one

-Don't have time to grieve Be done

There's chaos left to sow

Satan watches from below

Ah-hoo-hoo-hoo! Jenny!

Oh, Jenny baby, that was amazing, y'all!

You turned this party up.

Oh, I'm just getting started.

-Brenda! Ramp!

On it!

Ed Hart's daughter is gonna do the jump!

You mean like an homage?

Well, I-I would call it a tribute,

but-but yeah.

Daddy, this one's for you!

Goodbye, Daddy!

That's my Jenny!

Oh-ho, that's my Jenny!

CROWD Jenny! Jenny! Jenny! Jenny!

Jenny? Jenny?

Now Jenny's really gonna do the jump.

Yeah. She was sitting there staring for a while,

but now I think it's a go.

-Jenny!

She's dead, babies!

Satan's mistress has descended into hell.

Randy!

I'm okay. I'm fine.

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -Stop! I'm not on fire.

Look, I'm not taking any chances.

Aah!

-Damn it! -That was scary as hell,

exhilarating, vomit-inducing, thrilling...

Everything that life with Ed was.

I saw him, just now, in you.

You truly are Ed's daughter.

But it's time to say goodbye.

This is the perfect moment.

Let's do this.

-Give me those ashes. -I don't have the ashes.

Well, I definitely gave you the ashes.

Oh, my God. We lost Daddy!

Jenny, I can't believe you lost Ed.

Hell's bells! We came here to let him go,

and now we can't even do that.

Well, yeah, but thinking maybe it's for the best.

Maybe this is the way he's supposed to go out.

You know? All mysterious, at the party of the century.

Jenny, has your Stevie Nicks costume always included

a rolling suitcase?

Oh. Yeah, it's got my tambourine and all my cocaine in it.

Oh, don't you try to Rhiannon

this situation, Jenny.

Whoa. Wha... What?

Daddy's in the suitcase?

How did you end up in there, Daddy?

God, I wish we could ask him. We can't.

Oh, well, let's just get him

-back on the mantel. -Jenny, baby,

I know what happened. You thought about it

and you couldn't go through with it.

I been there a million times.

But we got to do this. It's time.

No! I'm not ready to say goodbye.

-Brendas! Clear a path!

On it!

-Dang it!

Well, Daddy, looks like we're gonna have to hoof it.

Shouldn't have revved so much.

It's Lydia.

Oh, Lord. There she is.

Remain calm, Wayne.

Sorry, Daddy.

Thought it was the right time, but turns out I...

I don't think there'll ever be a right time.

-WAYNE Don't be afraid. -What?

It's Daddy.

There you are.

I can't believe it. It's you.

Oh, Daddy, I don't know what to do.

I-I need you. Please, just-just tell me what to do.

You need to move on!

But I'm not ready!

You have to. It's time.

I love you!

What in the hell?

Wow. I thought she might kill me

or steal my soul, not fall in love with me.

I love you, too, I guess!

Oh, Lord.

She's coming right towards me.

I conquered this, didn't I?

Bye!

Oh. Wait. Got to prove I actually did this.

I guess it's time.

Thank you, Daddy.

And then, with a flash,

he disappeared into the mist.

My sweet Ed.

How did he look in his jeans?

Were you able to catch a gander at his buns?

-Mother! -Just tell me if he was keeping it tight.

Well, I think it's safe to say that even in death,

Daddy is keeping it tight.

So, are you sure you're ready, baby?

I've never been readier.

You can't be up there!

Uh-oh. Hurry it up, shug. We got to do this quick.

-Bye, Daddy! -Love you, Ed!

I love you!

-Oh, no. -Mother, quick.

-Oh, my baby, oh, my baby,

uh, fell down in the drainage ditch. Oh, no!

There I was, there she was... Lydia.

And I had this long, personal,

heartfelt conversation with Daddy.

Mm. So, you saw a boy ghost, and, Wayne, you saw a lady ghost

at approximately the same time on the same night?

I can't believe you guys don't see what's going on here.

-What? -What happened?

Shh. Well, it's great.

closure.

Oh, yeah. It is amazing.

So amazing.

Holy crap! How did I forget this little ol' tidbit?

I got a picture of Lydia.

Wait, are you serious?

Wayne, that is so exciting!

Oh, no. Wayne? It's cool.

We don't need to see the picture.

-Oh, damn it. -Let me see.

Oh, don't worry, Wayne honey.

We all believe you saw her.

Yeah.

Bunch of loonies up in here.

I had to keep a pinch, Ed.

Your buns aren't getting away that easy.

Two, three, four!

Devil's ferry

Who will pay the toll?

Give a coin to the boatman

-Or he will steal your soul

Said the squire to the master

Another mortal sold

-It's All Hallows' Eve Last one

-Don't have time to grieve Be done

There's chaos left to sow

Satan watches from below