Original subtitles

♪

I wanted to go

someplace special tonight.

Romantic.

If you've met someone wonderful,

then you should spoil them.

It's important to find that

special person

you can be yourself around.

Someone you could spend the rest

of your life with.

This calls for a toast.

Here's to relationships.

To first dates

Would you excuse me

for a minute?

Of course.

I'm close

(PHONE RINGING)

Hang on.

(GRUNTING)

What's up, Myles?

He's so cute and smart.

I really like him.

I think he may be the one.

What kind of puppy

did you pick out?

Puppy?

The one you're imagining in your

dream house.

I have no idea what you're

talking about.

Boston Terrier

Where are you?

No, don't tell me.

Let me guess.

You're only gonna need one guess.

God I wish you could see this.

This guy's ass is so tight you

could bounce a quarter off of it.

Or something bigger.

Nice visual while I enjoy my

romantic dinner.

Well, my date and I are

sharing a connection,

deep meaningful conversation.

I took him

to this amazing restaurant.

Just gave him the red rose.

He's leaving, isn't he?

He just slipped

out the door.

Oh Myles.

Time to initiate

our suicide pact.

I fear the time is upon us.

Death by chocolate?

I'm afraid so.

Text me where you are.

You owe me an orgasm.

I'll make it a double

next time.

Is there gonna be

a next time?

Probably not.

Do you wanna shower at least

before you go?

I didn't break a sweat.

(PIANO BAR MUSIC)

Geez.

Nice place.

It was before my date left me.

Here,

this will cheer you up.

What's this?

It's your birthday present.

My birthday

isn't for two months yet.

I know, i figured you could use

a little "happy" now.

Hello.

You got my favorite!

Of course.

Don't get too excited,

it's not much.

Don't get all emotional on me.

You do have a sentimental side.

That's the day we met.

I made two of them.

One for you and one for me.

I just wanted to do something

that you would like.

Don't make me regret being nice,

alright.

Enough of this sappy crap.

Here is to Men.

Fuck them.

To finding the perfect man.

To friends.

To relationships.

Being single.

Do me a favor.

Don't let me die alone.

You're not gonna be alone.

I'm gonna be there holding a

pillow over your face.

This is to the hangovers we're

gonna have tomorrow.

So we agree?

To being hungover?

No.

That we won't grow old alone.

I'm never gonna be alone.

In fact, I'm already drafting a

list in my head of all the things

I'm gonna do to our waiter.

Most of them are still illegal in

forty-two states.

Hey.

Hey, I'm serious.

Come on, you know that I'm always

gonna be here for you.

Alright, I can tell you're

obsessing over this already.

I'll make you a deal.

If in ten years we're both still

single and neither of us have

found anybody,

we'll be boyfriends.

A couple.

Together, forever.

A backup plan

You're serious?

Sure.

Here, you're the one who's going

to school to be a fancy attorney.

Write something up,

I will sign it.

Make it legally binding.

So I have ten years then?

To find love before you're,

thirty-five.

Here's to being in love.

Here is to ten years of freedom.

You happy now?

Unbelievable.

♪

Here they are.

Made you those appetizers you like

with the imported goat cheese.

Please sit down.

I will.

But, trust me, you don't want

dinner to burn.

It does smell great.

What is it?

It's Eggplant Sorrento.

Are you kidding me?

That's my favorite.

I know.

I called your mother.

You're making my mom's

Eggplant Sorrento?

Well you've been working a lot recently,

so I thought it would be nice

to do something extra special for you.

I can't believe you called my mother.

That's a tad scary.

Sit.

Relax.

That's an eighty-six cabernet.

I'll be back in a few.

What's up?

Want to watch a movie tonight?

Can't, man.

Got plans already.

They start with a cold beer and

end with a sticky towel.

All the best nights do.

Looks like it's just you and me

again tonight buddy.

Hey, you're the one that insists

on being straight.

Why don't you just come out

with me tonight.

You give me ten minutes

I will get you an ass so hot

you can eat breakfast,

lunch and dinner off of it.

I prefer my partners not to have

the same equipment as me.

Not me.

I prefer the same, or bigger.

Hey, your loss.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Hello David.

Say hello to David.

Is it really that easy for you?

That's the beauty of being a man.

Look, there's no wining and dining.

Five minutes we'll have had a beer,

fifteen minutes we'll be in the sack,

sixteen minutes I'll be home

watching pay-per-view.

It's amazing,

you should try it.

Well, if you put it that way.

Seriously?

Hell no.

♪

Someone was hungry.

And thirsty.

Here, taste.

Are you ever gonna sit down?

I'd really like to talk.

Wow.

That is good.

It's exactly how my mom makes it.

Good, now I want to hear all about your day.

Come to the table.

We'll talk over dinner.

I don't even know what to say.

How about, let's eat!

Fine.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hi, I'm David.

Hi, I'm Brody.

Nice to meet you.

What is it with you guys

introducing yourselves like you

don't already know who I am.

I mean, you have sent me so many

pictures of yourself that I

probably know you better than your

own doctor does.

I don't know.

Do you have a better way of

greeting someone at the door?

How about, "Hey Brody,

come on in, you want a beer?"

Hi Brody, come on in.

Do you want a beer?

No, I'm good.

You look terrified.

First time on Grindr?

No.

Maybe.

Yeah.

Ok, well, relax, we're gonna have fun.

How about you,

do you want a beer?

Actually I'd love one.

Ok.

(BELCH)

Well, that's a nice compliment.

That was amazing.

I'm glad.

How did the client meeting go today?

I hope you got all the,

"I'm thinking of you" texts I sent.

Yep.

All ten.

You seem a little, tired tonight.

Why don't you just

take your shoes off, relax.

I'm just, I'm trying to figure

out the best way to talk to you

about something.

As long as it's not,

"let's see other people".

Uh.

You want to see other people.

I'm just thinking that

we're moving too fast.

We've been dating for a month.

I see you

once a week for dinner and sex,

and I do all the work for both.

How is that possibly

moving too fast?

I just want to

pump the brakes a bit.

Well, do you think you could have

pumped them down on a day I didn't

spend cooking an elaborate dinner

and planning erotic massages?

Wow.

Myles, one day,

you are going to make someone

the most amazing husband.

Just not you.

No.

I'm gonna leave.

Yeah.

(GRUNTING)

Oh Yeah.

Can I get you that beer now?

You're a quick study.

I like you.

Enough to see me again?

Enough to introduce you

to my friend.

Threesome?

I don't think I'm ready for that,

yet.

Sure you are.

Myles, say hello to David.

Say Hi David.

Hi.

Hello David.

It's always a pleasure meeting one

of Brody's "hookups", especially

after I've just been dumped.

What happened?

Like you have to ask?

You want me to come over?

That depends.

Do you like

strawberries infused with cognac

hand dipped in dark chocolate?

Strawberries and cognac?

Can I come?

You already did.

Twice.

I'll be right there.

Since when did you start fucking

Martha Stuart?

One does what one has to,

to get a man.

I've had a lot of men,

I have never injected a strawberry

with cognac before.

Well, not in the literal sense.

It doesn't matter anyway.

I'm done.

I'm in my mid-thirties.

Time to acknowledge the fact that

I'm destined to be a gay spinster.

If the thought of dog hair

everywhere didn't disgust me,

I'd be a gay cliche.

Trust me.

You don't need a small dog

to be a gay cliche.

Thanks.

Either way, I'm tired and done.

I'm sick of chasing men only to

have my heart broken every time.

Ok, enough.

I'm taking you shopping.

If you're going to be single,

you need the proper tools.

I'm afraid of you right now.

You're smarter than you look.

Come on.

♪

If I know you, a kinky evening

of sex means using your left hand

and your toy arsenal is nothing more

than a two year old jar of lube.

Being single requires the proper

equipment and there's no better

place to get it than here!

Fleshjack.

Better than a real mouth.

Why?

Because it doesn't speak.

Dildo - No more gambling

with what's on the other side

of the zipper.

Nothing is worse than unwrapping

the whopper only to find they

skimped on the pickle.

Now you can come home to

Jeff Stryker every night.

Mini projector.

Now, you can watch your favorite

pornos in HD above your head!

I can see you've done extensive

research on the subject.

Hey.

I may not be good at many things,

but the things I'm good at,

I'm an expert in.

Minty Fresh.

Here.

Richard.

Thank you very much,

enjoy sir.

I can't believe

you make me eat here.

Are you kidding?

Everyone knows the best food in LA

comes from food trucks.

Yeah, so does E. Coli.

Hey, I got you something.

Its a sex toy.

If this goes where I think it goes,

you and I are gonna have

a big problem, buddy.

It doesn't.

Trust me,

you're going to like this.

I went shopping with Myles last night.

I was trying to cheer him up,

he just broke up

with his newest boyfriend.

Another one?

I feel so bad for that guy.

Yeah, me too.

Myles is a bit much.

No, I meant Myles.

You feel bad for Myles.

Don't.

If you want to pity someone,

try me.

Myles and I made a deal ten years

ago that if we were still single

by the time we're thirty-five,

we'd be a couple.

That's ridiculous.

Myles is a successful, smart lawyer.

He can do so much better than you.

I know, right.

Wait, what?

I don't even know why you're complaining.

I think it's a great idea.

You'd be lucky to have a guy like Myles.

No.

That is the last thing

in the world I need.

You're crazy,

but we both know that.

Seems like if you don't want to

be Myles next boyfriend,

you're going to have to

do something about it - quick.

Myles turns thirty-five in one month,

we have thirty days to find

Myles a boyfriend.

No, not "we," you!

(KNOCK)

It's open.

Hey!

You ready for boys night out?

Yeah, can I get you a drink?

I trained you well.

Nope, I got it.

Hey, can we stop by my place,

I didn't have time to go back

to the station.

Sure, whatever you need to do.

Ah.

I waited all day for that.

What are you looking at?

I rarely see you in uniform.

You like a man in uniform?

Who doesn't?

What do you think?

I think you look less like a real cop

and more like a male stripper.

No wonder you're so easily able

to catch the bad guys.

Oh really?

Male stripper.

(MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE)

Have you been a bad boy, Myles?

I may have broken a few laws

Someone needs to do a little

"hard time."

We should get going.

Yeah, we should go.

I'll get my keys.

I'll get my...I'll be in the car.

(MUSIC STOPS)

♪

A gogo bar?

Hey, every once in a while a guy

has to get his gay on.

If you're worried about not being

gay enough, I'd say you're good

for the next...year, maybe ten.

Two martini's so dirty the health

department will shut you down for

serving them.

What is is with you and gogo bars?

Hey, now I have four of my favorite things.

Booze, music, hot,

almost naked men.

That's three.

Awww.

You shouldn't snub your nose

at gogo bars.

They are an important tool in the

gay mans sexual arsenal.

Like candles

and chocolate dipped strawberries?

Yes and No.

Look,

you need less romance and more sex.

Ok, bear with me.

Define gogo boy.

A young.

Fit, attractive male.

Wearing next to nothing -

thrusting his engorged...

Let's just say he's a sexy male dancer.

Yes, exactly, SEXY!

Men are visual animals.

We see a hot guy,

we get turned on.

Gogo boys are just eye candy here

to stimulate our adrenaline and

boost our testosterone.

Ok.

So, they're here to tease.

You can't have them,

you can just look and gently touch.

This is all fine,

but has nothing to do with me.

That is where you are wrong.

It has everything to do with you.

Guys want them,

but they go home with me?

Finally, yes!

You want a man,

these boys will help you get one.

I want someone

who cares about me.

Not someone who has sex with me

while thinking of some greased up

muscle twink in a g-string.

Sex is sex.

For you.

You need to relax, ok?

Look, see that cutie over there?

He's serving up mouth shots,

go get him.

Along with possible meningitis.

I think I'll stick with my cocktail,

out of my partially clean glass.

I'd rather not.

I know, but do it anyway.

Here you go.

Wow.

If I'm going to do it,

I might as well do it right.

(OFFICE SOUNDS. PHONES RINGING)

Got a minute?

No.

I'm up to my nose in briefs.

And not the good kind.

What is wrong with men?

At least its not a complicated question.

Let me clear my calendar

for the next decade

and we can figure it out.

Do you have any idea what its

like to have an ovary full of eggs

screaming "fertilize me?"

It adds a whole new dimension

to the misery of being single.

No, and I don't want to either.

In fact, I'd rather not discuss it.

Being gay does not excuse you

from having to deal with this.

I'm pretty sure it does.

Besides,

I'm newly single now too.

Aw.

Soon it will be time for you and

Brody to be a couple, how sweet.

No!

And when did I tell you about that?

If I know Brody,

he's probably forgotten all about it.

Remind him.

And videotape his expression

when you do.

It'll be a good one.

I'm counting on Brody not

remembering our little plan.

Why?

He's a great catch, and so hot.

But he's not relationship material.

What about the two of you

just fooling around?

I cannot understand how your best

friend is a sexy cop and you have

not hooked up yet.

Contrary to what you may think,

gay people don't all just sleep

with each other.

Really?

I didn't get that memo and neither

did the rest of West Hollywood.

Brody is my friend.

You don't sleep with your friends.

How is it that I've never heard

of any of these rules.

I swear you make them up

as you go along.

Well, Brody and I

don't see each other that way.

Don't tell me

that you're not his type.

Brody only has one type.

Facing down.

Ok, thanks.

Good chat.

♪

Aw.

Great.

(FACETIME RINGING)

Hey Brody.

Someone's getting busy.

Huh?

Oh, wow, no.

Talk about incriminating evidence.

I'm just cleaning up.

Everything is covered in lube.

That a boy!

It's not what it looks like.

What do you want Brody?

I just called to tell you

I went south of the border

and I'm not talking about

a little road trip to Tijuana.

I just made it with a

smoking hot Latino "Papi."

Dude, I don't know

what's gotten into me lately.

Probably about nine inches.

Quick.

Nice.

Well,

I was having a nice night by myself.

I could tell.

Not that.

I cooked a terrific dinner,

read a good book, played cards.

I was about to get into this big,

soft bed without some strange guy

next to me, snoring and farting

his way through the night.

You sound miserable.

I am.

I'm going to find you

the perfect guy.

No, no.

I'm your best friend.

Who is more qualified than me to

find a guy for you?

Your argument is compelling,

and as always, disconcerting.

Trust me.

I've met a lot of great guys

over the years.

If I wasn't a confirmed bachelor,

I would have scooped one up myself.

But hey, my loss is your gain.

I'm going to find you a husband, buddy.

You better get buckle up,

cause we're going on a manhunt.

I'll brace for impact.

Bye.

Hi, I'm Myles.

It's really nice to meet you.

Brody told me a lot about you.

I'm Stu.

It's so funny you picked this place.

It's my favorite coffee shop...

and you bought me an eclair,

I love these.

Here's a double decaf soy latte, too.

I like to do my research

before I meet someone.

When you say "you like to do your

research before you meet someone,"

What exactly do you mean by that

I like to know who I'm meeting.

I just do a standard Google,

Facebook, LinkedIn search before I

meet them.

You know, see if we're compatible.

Find out what you're into.

So, you do this kind of investigation

with every guy you go out with

It helps me to come up with some

things to talk about.

There's nothing worse than meeting

a guy for the first time and

having nothing to talk about.

My research also helps me do

things like this...

It's your favorite flower.

I also know you played lacrosse

in high school.

You love to go camping and you

have a French Bulldog named Doug.

Could you excuse me for one moment?

I need to use the restroom.

Do you want me to order for you?

Vanilla latte with extra foam,

extra hot.

Right?

Oh wow.

My sister just texted.

She swallowed a rusty nail.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to

take her to the hospital.

Call me.

(VIDEO GAME SOUNDS. PHONE RINGS)

What's up?

Ok, I officially give up.

No more men.

Ok, let's start with the mildly

over-dramatic and work our way

back to the partially sane.

I'm like kryptonite to my Superman.

I'll never find someone to love me.

You're probably just

coming on too strong, buddy.

You just need to relax, get to

know someone, have a little fun.

So it is me?

It's not you.

Look, I'm just setting you up

with the wrong guys,

give me one more chance.

No.

I'm heading straight to the kennel.

I'm going to pick out

a little white dog

and spend the rest of my days alone.

Come on, one more chance.

One more date, I promise.

Ok.

I'll consider one more date,

under one condition.

It's non-negotiable.

What are your terms, counselor?

Will you come with?

Oh God.

I won't do this alone.

You pick out a date for me,

and I'll pick out someone for you.

If you're there then you'll get to

witness the disaster first hand.

It's like having box seats at a

NASCAR event where you know

there's going to be a multi-car

pile up before it's all over.

Well as long as you're going into

it with such a positive attitude.

Positive that I'm going to

end up alone again

at the end of the evening.

Bye.

I hope you like this place.

They have the best stuffed mushrooms.

I love stuffed mushrooms.

I had them the last time I was here,

when my date decided to ditch me.

Oh, sorry.

Well,

Hopefully, tonight will be better for you.

Here's to not being dumped tonight.

Wow, sorry.

Myles can be a bit depressing.

Hence having the waiter remove all

the sharp objects from the table.

You're an asshole.

You don't recognize me, do you?

Grindr.

I tried to message you a couple times,

but you never responded.

I'm sorry, I'm not really good

with technology.

I'm just a simple farm boy.

Oh yeah?

Where are you from?

New York.

How was the harvest in Manhattan

this season?

I'm originally from Colombia.

My parents are farmers.

Organic coffee trade.

There's no such thing

as organic coffee.

I hear it's just a marketing ploy

to drive up the cost of beans.

My family's in the coffee business, too.

We sell espresso machines and

roasted beans...mostly organic.

What's your family name?

Fiori.

I've heard that name before.

I think my family supplies your

coffee beans.

Get out of here.

I'm serious.

I'm a total coffee whore.

A double decaf latte, extra soy,

extra foam, extra hot.

You don't want to know what I'd

do for one of those before work

in the morning.

And you said it was just a little

vanilla froth on the corner of

your mouth the other day.

Hey, what goes on between my

barista and I is my business.

Do you know Vincent?

Vincent Fiori.

He's only my brother!

Are you serious?

Yes.

What an awesome guy.

Yeah, Vincent's been trying to get

me to travel with him for years...

I think he's even told me

about your farm.

No way.

Yes.

We have one thousand acres of the

lushest farmland you've ever seen.

So how about them Dodgers?

I don't follow sports.

Sports are what straight guys

talk about when they have nothing

better to say, come on!

Yeah, right.

I'm starting to regret having the

waiter remove those sharp objects

from the table.

Yeah, I know.

Give me a minute and I'll forge a

shiv out of a breadstick.

Do you think they'll notice if we left?

I've always wanted to be the guy that leaves.

Myles.

That is a horrible thing to do to your date.

I know, you're right.

I'm sorry.

I didn't say we shouldn't do it.

I just said it was a horrible thing to do.

Which makes it so much fun!

Excuse me.

I'm going to go too.

"Fiori."

Well that went predictably bad.

I'll give you that much.

Tonight needs to end

with a stiff drink.

Scotch?

No, I got a big meeting tomorrow.

Come on, hang out, chill.

You don't have to rush home

to Jeff Stryker.

Jeff Stryker?

Oh, the dildo?

Here.

You know I can send my cleaning

lady over if you want.

She's only seventy-five bucks a visit.

She'll bring her own napalm.

Hey, I made a path to the couch.

That counts for something, right?

You need someone

to take care of you.

No, I need to hire a maid.

Everyone needs someone.

Even you.

What are you afraid of?

Of being nagged to death about

being single.

We need to get you a man.

Give me your phone.

Alright, take your shirt off.

What?

Take your shirt off.

No.

You're not putting half naked

pictures of me up on the internet.

No way

It's not the internet.

It's an app and everyone does it.

Look, you need to try something

different for a change.

No.

How do you do it?

Very well and often on all fours.

Trust me,

it is better than being alone.

I'm really not comfortable with this.

It's all about advertising.

If you want to catch a fish,

you've got to show him your worm.

No one is seeing my "worm",

and the shirt stays on.

It's non-negotiable.

Fine.

Leave the shirt on.

Now smile and say,

"I'm a bad little boy

who's looking for a sexy daddy."

"Cheese"

"Cheese" will do.

Look at that!

Oh my god.

It's beautiful.

No its not.

It's awful, delete it.

No way.

I've got to delete this.

(BEEP)

Wow, ok.

(BEEP)

Wow.

(BEEP)

Now?

♪

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Cute.

I like the "Abercrombie meets

Log-Cabin-Republican" thing

you've got going on.

I have to tell you I've never

done this kind of thing before.

And what kind of thing is that?

Meet up with a guy I don't know

in the middle of the night.

And what do you think so far?

I'm nervous.

How adorable.

You want to come in?

You're not going to kill me,

are you?

Do you really think that someone

who is planning on killing you,

is going to answer that question

with a yes?

Feel like taking your chances?

I wasn't planning on revealing

I was this neurotic until much later.

The cat's out of the bag now.

Offer still stands.

Can I get you a drink?

I've got whiskey, beer, vodka.

I'm fine.

Hit?

No, I'm good.

You mind?

No.

Are you sure?

No, I'm fine.

So what happens now?

Whatever you want.

I don't bite...very hard a first.

Sure I can't change your mind

about that drink?

Make it a double.

(FACETIME RINGING)

What's up, buddy?

Hey, I took your advice.

Where are you

I'm at this

seriously hot guy's house.

Don't even say you did it,

I will not believe you.

This is, so hot.

Where are you

His name is Hunter.

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

Shh.

Here he comes.

I gotta go; I'll call you later.

Hey, wait...

Was that your backup plan?

Oh, no it's just my buddy.

He always calls me

when he meets a hot guy so...

I just called him.

(PHONE RINGING)

I'm flattered.

I'm sorry.

You can get it if you want.

One second.

What do you want?

What are you doing?

I'm taking your advice.

My advice?

Yeah, meet people and have fun.

Look, I gotta go.

I don't want to be rude.

I'll call you later.

Hey wait.

No, I'll call you later.

That was ridiculous I know.

Now I'm embarrassed.

No.

Don't worry, it was sweet.

Well if there's no one else

you'd like to ring up at midnight,

are you ready

to get to know each other?

Do you mind

if we just hang out tonight?

Oh.

Okay - no worries.

I'm down with whatever.

You sure?

Yeah, that's fine.

I just assumed

that was what you wanted.

I'm not really like that.

Me neither.

I'm really just a simple,

romantic homebody.

I'm good with just

hanging out tonight.

That's very cool of you.

You just seem like

a really great guy.

I do.

You know...if you want to put

your hand on my leg again,

I won't freak out, I promise.

♪

(OFFICE SOUNDS. PHONES RINGING)

(MORNING SOUNDS. BIRDS CHIRPING)

Aww.

How Sweet.

Well that was certainly hot.

I needed that.

Apparently several times.

Listen, I need to go,

I have class.

Oh.

What are you studying?

It's an aerobics class.

Oh.

Is it tough?

It's actually quite fun.

No.

I mean getting back to the 1980's

when they actually taught aerobics.

It's coming back, I'll have you know.

I'll have to remember to tell my

leg warmers that.

What are leg warmers?

You're kidding, right?

No, and unfortunately I don't

have time to find out.

I need to leave,

I have to be there at eleven.

Oh my god!

It's eleven?!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hey, what happened to you?

You never called me back last night.

It's Diane.

Brody, do you know where Myles is?

Well did you try him at home?

It's a wonder

you're not a detective yet.

Uh.

I don't know.

I haven't seen him since last night.

Well, he had a client meeting

on the books at 9:30

and he missed it.

Ok.

Let me go check in on him.

I'll get back to you in ten minutes.

Thank you.

Myles.

Are you in there?

Don't you have a key?

Why would I need a key?

Is there a problem officers?

No sir.

We're just responding to a call.

Do you know Myles?

I do.

Quiet gentleman, but nice.

Always a hello in the hallway.

Raised right.

Smells good too.

What did he do?

He didn't do anything.

We're just checking in on him.

Did you happen to see him last night?

Nope.

Don't think he came home

or I would have heard him.

I hear everything.

Even with this bad ear,

I catch it all.

Let me know if you need my help.

I'm a vigilante you know.

I think we've got it covered.

But, thank you for your help.

Anything for officers of the law.

Keep up the good work boys.

Myles.

Myles you here

Myles?

Myles?

Wow.

Who is his roommate, Mr. Clean?

A carafe?

Silver shaker?

Who does he entertain here?

James Bond?

When blockbuster runs out of

DVD's to rent, do they come here

and borrow a few from Myles?

Ok.

Enough with the running

commentary, can you just see if

you can find something please.

Like what, dust?

Good luck with that.

Come on.

He never came home last night.

I'm sure he's fine.

Yeah.

Famous last words before they find

his body in a dumpster.

Look, we need to put an APB out

and get more eyes out there

looking for him now.

Before we sound the alarm,

let's stop by his office

and see what we can find.

Relax.

It'll be fine.

Just one quick stop, okay?

Ok.

There you are!

Thanks for covering...

Wait a second.

Why do you look like this?

Is this a walk of shame?

I'm not ashamed of anything.

Well, you obviously didn't do it right.

I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Ok.

I want to hear everything,

and it better be filthy.

Phone numbers, names, descriptions.

Is video asking too much?

A gentleman never kisses and tells.

A gentleman who doesn't tell is

asking for a beating.

Ok.

But only because I'm afraid of you

right now.

Wait, hold that thought.

Before you start, I have to call Brody

and have him call off the SWAT

team he's going to send after you.

(PHONE RINGING)

I was just calling you.

See?

I told you he was fine.

Has he been here the whole time?

He just got here.

Hence me trying to call you.

Hey, I'm standing right here.

Diane called, said you didn't

come into work.

She made us all nervous.

I just came in a little late.

You really didn't have to call Brody.

Don't blame me, it's my maternal

instincts - I'm a slave to them.

Suddenly this day has just taken

a turn for the better.

Hello, my name is Diane.

I hope you enjoy the softer

of the two sexes.

Hi.

I'm officer Garcia...and I do.

Where were you?

I thought something happened.

Something did.

He was just about to tell me all

the sordid details.

I'm dying to hear them.

I have a feeling that most of them

are filthy.

Well, I can't right now.

I've got a ton of work

to catch up on.

So if you'd excuse me.

Are you serious?

Is he serious?

Look, could you give us a minute?

You take all the time you need.

You.

Come with me.

Ok.

What were you doing?

What were you thinking, going to

some strangers house in the middle

of the night for a hook up?

It was your idea.

I'm trying new things.

Plus, you do it all the time.

I'm different than you.

How?

I'm a cop.

I can defend myself, unlike you...

Oh please.

Myles.

I know guys,

some of them are real creeps.

I see what people are capable of.

I appreciate your concern.

Really, I do.

But I can take care of myself,

thank you.

Really?

Like the time those girls scouts

talked you into buying a dozen

boxes of cookies?

That wasn't my fault.

There were four of them and only

one of me.

So do you have a first name,

Officer Garcia?

It's Richard.

As in...?

Yes, Richard.

Uh huh.

I can see that you're

packing a lot of equipment.

Well, we're outfitted with the

proper gear to handle any situation.

I can see that.

Look, I've got to get to work.

Can we fight about this later?

Maybe, if I'm not too busy...dad

So what does a girl have to do to

get her hands on your nightstick

Well, it's actually bigger than it looks.

If you...

Let's go.

It's nice meeting you.

You too.

(mouthing) Oh My God!

So, what's the deal with Diane?

I know.

I'm sorry you got stuck with her.

She is a psycho.

I felt like a piece of meat for

her to chew on and spit out.

How awesome is that?

Wait.

What

"Muy Caliente"

Diane?

As in, you and Diane?

No, No, No.

That is a bad idea.

The two of you could not be more...

different.

Friction is what makes the heat,

my friend.

Besides, I'm packing...

and I carry a gun.

Let's leave the bad sexual puns to me.

So, what happened with Myles?

He went home

with some guy last night.

That's great.

Your plan worked.

Yeah.

I guess it did, right?

You should be happy;

you're off the hook.

Beers on me.

You pick the place.

Deal.

♪

He clearly doesn't know

I carry a gun.

Great.

Now he's going to like me

that much more!

I have gone to plenty of titty

bars with you.

You can get your gogo on with me.

In that case,

I need another drink.

Here, oh...

Hey! What the hell?

I'm sorry.

You just caught me off guard.

I was going to warn you about that.

No you weren't.

They're called mouth shots

for a reason.

What the hell other kind of shots

are there?

Don't answer that.

Alright, I gotta run.

Where are you going?

I told Diane I'd meet up with her

after she got off work.

Don't forget your handcuffs.

♪

(PHONE BUZZING)

Someone's having WWF Smackdown,

screaming until your neighbors

bang on the wall-style sex.

It shows?

I'm talking about myself and my

spicy Latino lover.

You and Richard?

It's kind of like a spin class -

hot and sweaty, but with

handcuffs, a nightstick and...

pepper spray.

Ok, pepper spray is too much.

How are you and Hunter doing?

Judging by the recent playlist of

eighties love songs,

I'd say it's going pretty well.

Awww.

You really are an Easy Bake Oven away

from being a twelve year old girl,

aren't you?

Bye love.

You ok partner?

I took the new recruits out last night,

to O'Malley's.

I don't know which is worse.

The gay bars or the Irish ones.

I guess it depends

on what you're looking for

at the end of the rainbow.

At this point I would settle for

a well hung Leprechaun.

That's why I'm glad

I'm dating again.

I'm in bed by 10 pm.

If I'm ever in bed by ten,

put a bullet in me.

I'm telling you, these past two

weeks have been great

and the sex with Diane is amazing.

Which reminds me,

I need some more pepper spray.

I'm not going to ask, besides,

the image of Diane having sex is

not something I want

stuck in my head all day.

Really?

Because I do.

Speaking of which, it's been two

weeks for Myles and his boyfriend.

I know because I'm patiently waiting

for him to get dumped again.

That's the kind of postive, healthy

support a best friend deserves.

Hey, I'm just waiting in the wings

like I always do for when he gets

his heart broken again.

Face it.

You miss him.

You don't know what you're

talking about.

If you say so, but I do know this:

if he were my friend and I missed him,

I'd grab a couple of beers,

some Chinese food

and go over to his place after work.

Well, you're not me

and I don't need your advice.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Oh hey.

Brody.

I thought it would be nice

if I surprised you with dinner.

That's actually a really nice surprise,

but I already have plans.

I can see you have plans.

Are you having Liberace over

for dinner?

What is this?

It's Hunter's first time

coming over tonight.

I wanted to do something special.

Well, we can do something another night.

You know you don't have to go.

You could join us if you want.

Don't be ridiculous.

You know I don't do threesomes.

Since when?

It's too much, isn't it.

What?

No it's ridiculous and over-the-top,

but it's you and that's what I

think is so nice about it.

Other guys may find it terrifying,

but I think it's wonderful.

You like that about me?

What that you're a psycho?

Yes, it makes me feel more normal.

Look finish getting ready and

we'll do something tomorrow.

Happy hour?

See you tomorrow.

Later!

(PHONE BEEPS)

Hello Stone.

I'll see you in five minutes.

Hey Brody.

Stone.

Come on in, have a drink.

I can see you've done this before.

Maybe once or twice.

So, how do you want to do this?

Quickly.

I have dinner in an hour.

I'm fine with being an appetizer.

Just so you know,

you're going to be late for dessert.

Fine by me.

(PHONE BUZZING)

Ignore it.

It's probably my date tonight.

He's obsessive compulsive.

How annoying.

I know, right?

I'm sorry, I can't.

Just get it.

I'll send it to voicemail.

Oh!! Please tell me

your name is not Hunter.

No, of course it's not.

Thank god.

Hunter's my hook-up name,

like "Stone".

Oh, Fuck me!

Sure, if you want me to be on top.

No.

As in God-damn it.

What's the problem?

Oh Man, I really wanted you to

turn out to be a good guy.

I am a good guy.

Well,

maybe not marriage material, but...

I gotta go.

Dude, chill out!

This is not a big deal.

Actually it is.

Myles is my best friend

and he's going to freak out

when he finds out

that I hooked up with his boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

We're not boyfriends.

Myles is a nice guy

and a decent lay,

but that's about where it ends.

Don't make me knock you out.

Hey, you're in my house, remember?

Ok, look.

This is how this is going to go.

You go have dinner with Myles and

you don't say anything about this.

This never happened.

You know what,

I really think you should leave.

I'm serious, now!

I'm not done here.

Yeah you are,

and if you don't leave I'll call the cops.

I'm a cop.

Yeah.

Well if that's the case,

then I'll just call Myles

and tell him I hooked up

with his best friend...the cop.

Ok, calm down.

I'll go, but I need you to promise

that you're not going to be an

asshole to Myles, ok?

Just go have dinner with him,

don't say anything about this.

I am asking you nicely.

See?

Now you're being a good boy.

Just so you know,

I'll do what I want.

And I'll start with throwing you out.

Got it?

I got it.

Good.

I'm glad we're on the same page again.

Now leave!

Asshole.

Asshole.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hey Myles.

Hunter broke up with me.

Awe.

I'm so sorry, Myles.

Could you come over?

Death by chocolate?

Death by homemade tiramisu.

I'll be right there.

One day, you are going to find a guy

who see's what a great catch you are.

You are going to make someone

the best husband.

What about you?

I am not a catch.

Well that's not true.

Yes, it is.

Look, I'm not like you.

Anybody who would pass up an

amazing evening like this,

with you, is a fool.

Well, I'm obviously doing

something wrong.

You have lousy taste in men.

Take Hunter...

Let's not talk about him.

I think we should...

I really don't want to.

Let me finish.

Anybody who would break up with

you in a text is a creep

and not worth your time.

You think I don't know that?

I didn't even text him back.

I'm sick of being mistreated

by asshole guys

who don't appreciate me.

Good for you Myles.

Now, can we just move on?

Let's just enjoy the fact that

we're hanging out together.

Yes.

Let's make tonight about this

amazing tiramisu that you made.

- And us. - And us.

So, run this by me one more time.

Why didn't you tell him what

happened the other night?

I just couldn't.

If you knew Myles and how upset it

would make him, trust me,

you wouldn't have told him either.

Actually, yes, I would have.

Myles can't handle these things.

He's a grown man.

Yeah, on the outside maybe but on

the inside he's all...Hello Kitty.

He's never going to find out.

That's not how it works.

Trust me, they always find out.

And even if they don't, you'll

always think in the back of your

head that they know something,

but just aren't saying anything.

Does someone have a little

baggage from a past relationship

they want to talk about?

Let's just say, I had to learn the hard way.

Fine.

I'll talk to him tonight.

Ok?

Alright.

♪

How you doing?

I liked him.

He was a great guy.

He wasn't that great.

Hi Brody... Martini?

No thanks.

I'm probably just going to get it

thrown in my face.

What did you do?

Can I just start off by saying

that it was not my fault.

That is the worst way

to start a conversation.

That's like saying,

"I know this looks bad", or,

"This is just going to hurt a little bit."

I can tell already,

this is not going to end well.

I've known you for over ten years.

Nothing you say is going to

bother me or surprise me anymore.

So just tell me.

I ran Hunter's ID down at the station.

His real name is Steven Adams.

He's from Nebraska.

Well, I know where he's from.

I didn't know his name wasn't Hunter.

Yeah and it's not Stone either.

That's my point.

What's the point?

And who is Stone?

Exactly!

Neither of us knew his real name.

Just tell me what happened.

After I left your place the other night,

I went on Grindr to meet someone.

You hooked up with Hunter?

I didn't know it was him!

He said his name was Stone.

I mean, who uses that name anyway.

He texted me on Grindr,

I went over there.

I did not know what I was doing

was wrong.

I would never do that to you.

You suck.

How was I supposed to know?

It's not like you introduced me to the guy.

You're the one that ruined this for me.

I met a great guy and you just

couldn't stand it, could you?

He is not a great guy, believe me.

Certainly not the Prince Charming

you think he is.

Trust me, Hunter is a creep.

Trust you?

Think about it Myles.

It's always the same with with you.

You bring this on yourself.

You keep thinking that one guy is

going to be exactly what you need

to be happy.

It is not the case, never will be.

Well, sadly that's true isn't it?

You're right, things have got to change.

I gotta to go,

sorry I can't do this anymore.

Wait, what?

One martini. Dirty.

Myles.

Myles.

Look at this guy.

He didn't even attempt to slow

down when he saw us.

So light him up!

He was only going forty.

He's speeding right in front of us.

People need to learn to respect authority.

Light him up!

It's not a big deal.

I said, let's get them!

So now you're that asshole cop who

chases down an '87 Corolla for going

fifteen miles over the speed limit?

Yes.

You really need to straighten

this thing out with Myles.

I've tried calling, texting, emailing him.

He obviously doesn't want

to talk to me.

I may not be the smartest guy in the

world but I can take a hint when

someone doesn't want to see me.

You have to go over there

and work this out.

Knock his door down if you have to.

He doesn't want to talk to me.

You're a cop for Christ's sake.

Pull your balls out of your ass

and man up.

You miss him.

Make it right.

Fine.

Myles, open up.

Myles, come on, open up.

I need you to open up,

just talk to me.

Knock one more time and I'm

calling the cops.

Officer.

Under-cover, huh?

A sting operation.

I get it.

Still after Myles?

Have you seen him?

Nope.

What did he do?

He didn't do anything.

It's always the quiet ones.

I knew he was a bad seed.

That isn't the case, sir.

Of course you can't say anything.

I know what's going on.

I just hope you get the

son-of-a bitch!

Myles.

Come on.

Myles.

♪

Pizza, wings and beer.

Who needs men?

We'll have more fun without them.

No we won't.

You're right.

I'll try not to bitch about

how much men suck tonight.

Why?

It's my favorite subject.

Luckily for you I have the perfect

evening planned.

Comfort food, ice cream and...

a romantic movie.

I love that we are doing this.

I do it every day.

What about RIchard?

Are you kidding?

It's his favorite thing.

Two bowls of pistachio froyo,

twin snuggies and a romantic movie.

We cry all night long.

Lucky bitch.

I know.

Diane, I need to tell you something.

Please don't be upset.

Any conversation that begins with,

"please don't be upset", upsets me.

I need to start fresh.

Get somewhere far away from here.

You're moving to the Valley?

No, I'm thinking of transferring

to the New York office.

There's a job opening there

for a senior litigator

that starts next week.

I know you're not going

to agree with this...

You want to leave

and move to New York?

We both know I should go.

Actually, we don't.

I think you're running away

from your problems.

Please don't make this any harder

for me than it already is.

I really need to do this.

No you don't!

It's an irrational, impetuous and

totally emotionally clouded decision.

I need to break this cycle and I

can't do it from Los Angeles.

Fine.

I'll concede.

But only under one condition.

Let the negotiations begin.

You have to let me have a going

away party for you this weekend.

Absolutely not.

No party.

Just a few friends over for

drinks at my place?

No more than six.

Deal.

So how are you going to tell

Brody that you're moving to the

other side of the country?

I don't know yet.

I could have Richard do it.

Brody.

And to think he's a cop.

(TELEVISION SOUNDS)

If you were a horse.

I'd be obliged to put you down.

What time is it?

Am I late?

Let's just say you're early for lunch.

Why don't you get in the shower?

So, how long is this going to go on?

Just give me five minutes

to take a shower, ok?

Not the shower.

The self-pity and depression.

It's been every night this week.

Hey, I've finally found something

I'm good at.

Why quit when I've almost mastered it?

Well, since you're already down,

I've got something else for you.

It's an invitation.

From who?

Diane.

She's having a few people over.

Is Myles going to be there?

Yep.

This is the perfect opportunity for

me to smooth things out with Myles.

In theory.

Was this Diane's idea?

Absolutely.

So you'll come?

Hell yeah.

Now I got something to look forward to.

Me too.

♪

I kept it small like you wanted.

I asked you not to do anything.

This was my compromise.

I'll miss you.

I'm well aware.

I still can't believe you're doing this.

Five days on the open road will

do me good.

Wait until you hit Nevada.

You're going to regret that decision

all the way to the Statue of Liberty.

Brody's here.

I'll be in the bomb shelter

if anyone's needs me.

Oh no, you're not going anywhere.

We need someone

who can operate a handgun.

Hey!

Thank you so much for inviting me.

It's good to see you.

So, what's the occasion?

You got a promotion, right?

Richard, will you help me dear?

Oh, and bring a shovel.

Would you excuse us?

He's going to be very busy digging

a six by three foot hole out back.

What was that about?

It's just that this isn't exactly

a party for my promotion.

So, you didn't get a promotion?

I technically did, I guess you

could say that.

Well, congrats!

It's also a going away party.

For who?

Oh, you're leaving.

Where? When?

I head out on Saturday morning.

Drive across country to New York.

Saturday to New York and this is

how you tell me?

Well Richard was going to tell you.

You asked Richard to tell me?

Diane did.

How could you leave and not say

anything to me?

I haven't left yet.

Yeah, but you're planning on it Myles.

Why?

Because I don't have a reason

to stay anymore.

I'm not a good enough reason?

You tell me, Brody.

If this is about the Hunter thing,

I told you I did not mean

to mess it up for you.

I was just trying to protect you.

I know that

and I'm not mad about it anymore.

I'm the reason I need to leave.

I need to grow up and stop looking for

my Prince Charming to come and save me.

That is what I've been telling

you the whole time.

Well then, I agree with you.

So you think that going to New York

is what's going to make you happy.

It's a start.

Well then, I guess that's that.

I guess so.

♪

(PHONE BEEPS)

Can I get you another?

No.

I'm good, thanks.

I'm mad at you.

I know,

but being that I'm your only friend now

and your partner at work,

I think you're going to have to

get over it pretty quickly.

You knew that was a going away party.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you,

but I figured you deserved

to hear it directly from Myles.

Plus, if I had told you, you

wouldn't have come to say goodbye.

You don't know me.

It's like we never even met.

You know, he's right?

It is better for both of us

if he just leaves.

Well, you certainly know what's best.

I'm not like Myles,

I don't need anyone.

It's true.

You're not miserable at all

when he's gone.

Myles is a hopeless romantic.

All he wants is someone to love him.

Yeah, so unreasonable.

Plus, he's a people pleaser.

All he cares about is the guy he's with.

That's horrible.

I can see why guys would hate that.

Myles is like a penguin.

He will bond to you,

he's dependable and trustworthy.

I'm really starting to hate that guy.

I mean, could you imagine if

Myles and I were together.

Not at all.

It's crazy to think that two

people who care about each other

as much as you two do would ever,

ever want to be in a relationship.

I know, right? I mean,

if Myles were the perfect guy for me,

I would have realized that years ago.

Absolutely.

I mean there is no way you'd overlook

something so obvious for so long.

Exactly.

Myles just wants to be married.

And all I want is for him to be happy.

Then I guess the only way

for that to happen

is to remove you from his life.

Yeah, I guess.

♪

To Brody.

I hope you find someone to love you.

I hope you find someone to love.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered

here today to bear witness to the

matrimony of these two men.

This is a relationship that stands

for love and loyalty.

This is a relationship that

stands for honesty and trust.

But most importantly,

this is a relationship

that stands for friendship.

Because before they were lovers,

they were friends,

and it is this seed of friendship

that love was their destiny.

One cannot dictate or determine

the course of love.

For if love finds you worthy,

then love directs you.

It is this sacred and holy estate

which you enter into as one.

And if there is anyone who has

just cause why these two should not

join as one, let him speak now

or forever hold his peace.

Do you take this man to love,

honor and comfort,

and keep in sickness and in health,

in sadness and in joy,

and cherish and bestow upon him

your deepest devotion,

for as long as you both shall live?

I do.

Then, by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you

husband and husband.

You may now kiss your groom.

♪

Come on! Are you kidding me?

Oh... I can't.

Come on, Come on, Come on!

Myles, are you in there?

Myles, are you in there?

Myles!

Myles!

What are you god-damned kids

up to now?

I'm sorry to disturb you, sir.

I'm sorry officer,

I didn't realize it was you.

Still haven't caught him yet?

Have you seen him today?

Saw him this morning.

He woke me up making a ruckus.

I went back to sleep.

Which I never do by the way.

Damn Sciatica kept me up all night.

I got one of these dial mattresses.

I changed it from a four to a six,

I thought that might help.

I slept better on my old Sealy.

You think they'd let me

take this one back?

It's only been six weeks.

I really have to get to Myles,

so if you know where he is.

Gone now.

I guess you missed him.

Yeah. I guess I did.

You're gonna go after him,

aren't you?

He's not a criminal.

I know that.

I'm not blind and stupid.

You obviously love him.

I do.

Then go after him!

Don't make the same mistake I did

and end up like me.

Trust me.

Don't just stand there,

go get him!

He's going to New York.

I don't know where he is.

I'm not going to catch up to him.

You've got a cop car don't you?

Light up that son-of-a bitch.

I've seen them go

two-hundred miles an hour.

Tear ass down that freeway!

Don't let him get away.

Ok. Ok.

Crazy kids.

(POLICE SIREN)

I'm sorry for getting you

out of bed so early for this.

Who needs sleep on a Saturday morning?

Besides, this is fun.

It's just like those movies Diane

makes me watch.

I have to catch up to Myles

before it's too late.

Do me a favor,

call him and see where he is.

No way!

That is not how's its done.

Myles is a romantic.

We have to catch up with him.

It's the element of surprise that

will win him back.

Yeah, and what if we don't make it

there in time?

Trust me on this one.

I know how it's done.

You always get the guy in the end.

Calling doesn't seem like such a

bad idea now, does it?

It always works in the movies.

So what now?

I don't know.

It usually doesn't turn out this way.

I'm too late, aren't I?

Might as well head back.

I know you have plans with Diane.

Let me call her and let her know

I'll be a little late.

I'll be in the car.

(PHONE BUZZING)

This better not be an,

"I can't make it today" call.

No, no, I'll be there.

Small emergency.

I'll just be a little late.

Well hurry, so you can start

making it up to me.

And don't forget your uniform -

especially the night stick.

Bye.

Richard's going to be a little bit late.

Keep me company for just a bit more?

I've got three thousand miles ahead of me

and now all I'm going to be able

to think about is you and Richard

playing "cops and robbers".

You should see me trying to resist arrest.

I really need to go.

I just wanted to help you clean up

and say goodbye.

Let's have a mimosa for the road.

No one should drive into the

middle of this country without

at least one drink in them.

You're awful.

I know.

Are you sure you don't want to

join us for brunch?

You know a gay guy is tired when

he turns down brunch.

I had a bad night and a crappy morning.

Bottomless drinks.

I have a feeling you'll get your

money's worth today.

I really don't feel like being around people.

Especially those in love.

Where the hell have you two been?

And you brought the squad car.

Nice touch.

We drove to Nevada this morning.

We're trying to catch up with Myles.

Nevada?

Why are you trying to catch up with Myles?

Brody wants to talk to him.

He doesn't want him to leave.

Well, you just missed him.

Obviously.

You and your detective skills.

I mean he was just here,

he left a minute ago.

Hey, we can still catch him!

You can't call him.

That's not the way it works.

I know.

I've been trying to tell him that.

(PHONE BUZZING)

♪

I just can't.

Straight to voicemail.

♪

He's right there.

Go! Go!

Are you crazy?!

Move!

Are you kidding me?!

Stop!

Get out of my way.

I need to leave.

Myles.

No, let me go.

Move!

Why are you all doing this to me?

There's nothing you can do

to make me stay.

Was that supposed to change my mind?

That was the idea.

It didn't.

I can't do this with you anymore.

I've got to do what's right for me now,

and that's getting away from you.

You may not need someone,

but you deserve someone.

And I want to be that person.

You're not capable of having a relationship.

What have we been doing

the last ten years?

I may not be the Prince Charming

that you imagine, but

you know I would slay a dragon for you.

It's not enough, Brody.

What else is there?

Trust, love,

companionship, respect.

We don't have all those things

Well then, I'll guess I'll have to

make this easy for you.

Cause you don't have a choice.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm glad you're here because I need a lawyer.

Would you please tell me

if this is still legally binding?

I charge seven-hundred dollars an hour.

Fine, I'll do it pro-bono.

Let me see it.

I'm sorry, it's not legally binding.

It states that this becomes

effective on Myles' birthday.

Unfortunately, that's not until tomorrow.

I guess we'll just have to wait twelve hours.

We can put him under house arrest

until the contract is due.

I can leave this perp in your custody.

The law is the law.

I'm so glad that everybody's made

the decision about what I should do.

Does anybody want to know what I think?

Yes, of course.

I think after waiting ten years,

I deserve a proper kiss.

♪

(FACETIME RINGING)

You're calling me why?

Well, I always call you

after I hook up with a hot guy.

How was it?

Let me put it like this:

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Cause I'm about to do it again.

It was that good?

Oh yeah.

And by the way,

Happy Birthday Myles.

It certainly is.

♪

♪