Original subtitles

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three. Is this really supposed to make you feel better?

Oh, come on, it's all for you to enjoy.

Here, here's another one.

Now, walk.

There, that wasn't so bad, was it? No, that was easy.

Okay, girls, now... Our chest exercise.

Uh -oh.

And we must, we must, we must increase our butts.

Care to join us, Mr. Roper? Forget about Mr.

Roper. He doesn't believe in doing anything strenuous.

I don't believe in wasting time. All that running and jumping doesn't get you

anywhere. Oh, I don't know about that.

Jeffrey runs two miles every day.

Where does he wind up?

Right back at our house.

You see, all that exercise doesn't get you anywhere.

Show him respect for your body. I believe everyone should respect their

like a temple.

Not Stanley. He treats his like a museum.

Okay, back to work, Mrs. Roper. Okay.

Here's one that'll make a new woman out of you. Good. Try that one, Helen.

Very funny.

Roper, your car is blocking the driveway. I had to push it out of the

What? I'd just like to know how you expected me to get to work.

Thought you might try running.

You could have tried a little running yourself.

Why? I didn't put your brake on.

One,

two, three, four.

Very good.

Very good.

Off to work, Ann.

I think we look pretty good, huh? Pretty good. No, no, you look marvelous.

Of course, you're doing it all wrong.

Hey, wait a minute. What do you mean we're doing it all wrong? Ah, it doesn't

matter. Who's going to notice?

You, for one.

Now, really, we'd like to know the right way to do it. Yeah.

All right, if you insist.

Well, you see, ladies, it's really quite simple. Now, get out of the way.

And follow me, ladies.

And...

It's his back. He's thrown it out again.

Oh, how terrible.

Sometimes it lasts for hours. You can hear him all over the neighborhood.

What do you do?

I usually go to a movie.

But what do you do now?

I get a pill. No, no. No, you don't. Last time I took those pills, I got so

spaced out, I tried to walk across the neighbor's swimming pool.

I think you better sit down, Mr. Brooks. I can't move, Jenny.

Sure you can.

Now I really can't move.

Maybe Jenny can help. She fixed my neck. Remember, Jenny?

I suppose it couldn't hurt. That's easy for you to say.

Just relax. No, no, no. Oh, oh.

Oh.

That's why... That's completely better. I mean, it actually feels... My

neck. My neck.

I'll get his pills.

What's he doing here?

Oh, he threw his back out.

Good. Now I'll throw out the rest of them. No.

You'll do nothing of the kind.

Helen, he pushed our car in a neighbor's lawn.

I... It doesn't matter. He can't be moved.

Is that true?

Yeah, he can't even get out of his chair.

You can't? That's right.

Oh, that's terrible.

Mama!

Ethel!

It's Helen.

Where? Me.

I'm Helen. Oh, yes. Oh, Stanley, it's Mama. Isn't that a lovely surprise?

Yeah, lovely.

I can only say...

Oh, what a shame.

Ask Danny to get Mama's bags and pay for the cab.

And we insist that you stay longer than just a few days.

No, dear. I only plan to stay in town long enough to see you and your sisters

and to make out my will.

Your will?

Make out your will.

Sit down, Mother. Make yourself comfortable.

I'll go get your bags.

Thank you, Hubert.

Mama?

Mama, you don't understand.

Jenny lives with us.

Well, why shouldn't she?

She's far too young to leave home.

Oh, by the way, I asked Hilda and Helen to meet me here.

That's Ethel. No, Ethel can't make it. She has five children to take care of.

That's Hilda, and it isn't five, it's six. Oh, how nice.

You suppose she'll bring Stanley with her?

That's Freddy.

Fertile Freddy.

How anyone could confuse him with Stanley.

I know what you mean.

I'd never confuse you with Stanley, Freddy.

What?

Shouldn't your wife be here with you?

My wife? No, no, no. She's gone to get some pills.

Well, it's about time.

babies ago.

No, no, no. The pills are for me.

Well, if you think they're for you, no wonder Hilda's always pregnant.

Please, my back hurts.

I should think it would.

No, no. You don't have to bark at me.

Here are your bags, Mother.

Can I bring anything else? Any coffee?

No, thank you. I'll get it.

I want to give Freddie a chance to cool off.

At least let me borrow it for you.

You know what we ought to put on this wall?

That picture of your mother in the gilded frame.

Oh, the one that you said got lost when we moved here from the apartment

building? I just remembered where it got lost. It's in the garage in front of my

dartboard.

Oh, and don't ever leave me here alone again.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Poor baby, you'll feel better when you take one of these pills for the pain.

no, I don't want them. I told you what happens to me when I take those things.

But the doctor can't get away. You might have to wait here for a couple of

hours. Here?

I'll take three.

Yes, three. I'll take four.

Give me the bottle.

Thank you, Hubert.

Stanley.

Stanley brought in your bags.

Stanley paid your cab fare.

Stanley sprung for the tip.

Yes! And when you see Stanley, thank him for me.

Would you like some cream?

No, thank you.

How about some sugar? No, thank you.

Who are you leaving your money to?

Well, I haven't made up my mind yet.

I want my money to bring happiness.

Me too.

I don't want it squandered on lawyers or divorce.

What? I'm not leaving one cent to any of my daughters who isn't happily married.

But that's not fair.

Do you miss me, sweetheart?

Sweetheart?

I can't keep my hands off her.

Stanley, have you been drinking?

Only the kisses from your lips.

You can't be happier than that.

Too bad Stanley isn't more like you.

How do you feel?

A little better.

The pills are starting to work.

Oh, that must be Ethel. I thought I heard a dog howling.

Ethel! Helen!

Wait, Hilda's coming.

Darling!

Helen!

Oh, I am so happy to see you. I can't tell you how much I've missed you,

Hilda!

Oh, Hilda, you didn't tell us.

Oh, I know. I got tired of hearing, not again.

Hi, Mother.

Bill! Not again.

I think you should get a refund on those pills.

Hello. How are you, Mr. Brooks?

Well, actually... Mother, you and I have got to talk.

Privately. Well, I can't move, you see. I have the severe back problem.

Oh, dear.

What a shame.

Now, let us have a little talk about your will, Mommy dearest.

You know, Stanley, I'm worried. So am I. I think Ethel's going to eat us out of

the will.

Not about that.

I'm worried about Mama.

I mean, why would she make out a will unless... Oh, come on, Helen. You know

your mother. She's just being practical.

Then you don't think she's really thick? No, she's not thick. If this be our

luck, she'll be around for another 10 or 20 years.

Is the rope a resident?

Yes, it is. Good. We're just on time.

Hold it.

Hold it, hold it.

Hold it!

What is this?

Hot hors d 'oeuvres.

Cold cut?

I didn't order this.

No cold cut.

I didn't order anything.

That's right, Hubert, I did.

What? That's why you're all here. This is my party.

Helen, you may want to invite some of the neighbors in.

Oh, a surprise party.

Oh, Mama, that's so exciting.

What's it for?

For my wife.

I'm ashamed of you. Why, the answer is as plain as the nose on your face.

Yes, dear.

Tell her.

Tell her?

Well, the reason that she wants to have a wake is because...

Come on, Ethel, tell us. Well, she thinks that... Ethel, dear, I'm afraid

mind is beginning to wander.

I wanted to have my wake now, but I'm still alive.

So I could enjoy it.

When did you get such a great idea, Mother?

At my friend Sybil Wilson's wake.

You should have heard the lovely things they said about how nice she looked.

She never heard things like that when she was alive.

Of course, she never looked that good when she was alive.

Mother, just what is it that you're trying to say?

Well, I want to hear all the lovely things that people have to say about me.

I hope you won't be too shy.

Well, I, for one, don't need any excuse to say nice things about my mother.

Oh, that's a lovely thing to say.

Take my left hand, Mother. It's closer to my heart.

I don't need an excuse either, and you're not even my mother. Oh, that's a

lovely thing to say, too.

Why, you're the most wonderful mother that a daughter could have.

Thank you.

And you're an even better mother -in -law.

Why, you're... you're kind.

You're generous.

You're devoted.

You're wise.

You're, um, you're, um... You're Bill.

Oh, mother, let me take care of that. Give me that. What are you doing? This

my house. This is my mother.

This is $385?

You're right, this is your mother.

This is the most depressing thing I have ever seen.

The way they're eating, there won't be any leftovers.

I meant this party is morbid.

Well, it's what Mama would have wanted.

I mean, what she wants.

What Mother wants. She doesn't know what she wants.

Wasn't this a good idea?

It was a wonderful idea.

I was telling Helen that you are an inspiration to us all.

Yes, and I'm sure your wake will be an inspiration, too.

Will be for me.

Excuse us.

Stanley, what's the matter with you?

What's the matter with me? You see why your sister's buttering up your mother?

I know, it's disgusting.

Roper.

Roper. What?

The pills made me thirsty.

So?

across the way and came over as soon as I heard about Mrs. Roper's mother.

Oh, what a tragedy.

Pig in a blanket?

Oh, no, thank you. I thought I might say a few appropriate words to the family.

The family?

About the deceased.

Well, say them to me.

I'm the deceased.

Please? Sure.

Hi, Mr. Brooks.

Hi.

Would you like a breath or a thigh?

He can get that at home.

Aren't you in enough pain already?

Are you trying... to tell me that you don't want any of Mother's money? That's

right. I get it. You want her house. Well, if you think I'm going to stand

by... I don't want her house or her money or anything.

This is some sort of a trick.

No, it is not a trick.

I just don't want a lot of family squabbles.

Ethel, you're my sister, and, well, I love you and Hilda too much to want

anything to come between us.

I am so ashamed.

And here all the time I thought, oh, Helen, I'll never forget this.

You have really opened my eyes.

Then you don't want to be in the will either.

You must be out of your mind.

The first time I agree with Ethel. What?

You must be out of your mind. What? Telling her you don't want to be in your

mother's will. Will you listen to me?

Do you mind?

drive you somewhere?

Shame on you, Freddy.

And in her condition.

Takes two to tango, honey.

Oh, no. I didn't see him drive up behind me.

That's sneaky.

And you, you must learn to say no once in a while.

And this certainly can't be doing your back any good.

You're a little confused. He is not the father.

He isn't. Of course not.

Oh, Hilda. What about all the other children?

Who's responsible for them?

What? Oh, Mother.

I just don't understand you.

Poor girl.

And she thinks I'm confused.

How about you? Can I drop you somewhere?

Well, Danny.

What do you think of this whole crazy affair?

I love it.

You do?

Yes, it's a wonderful idea.

It is?

Sure. Friends and family gathered here to honor your mother.

Oh, and she's having a blast.

What more could you ask?

I'd like to get a peek at that will.

Oh, dear me.

You know, it's just like a birthday party. Only thing missing is the

Present? Now, why didn't I think of that?

Think of what, Mama?

Well, what's the use of waiting until I'm six? feet under before you get all

things. I can give them to you now while I can enjoy the look on your faces.

That's a great idea.

If it makes her happy.

What do you think, Freddy?

Fine with me, Mom.

Somebody bring me that little black bag up there, please.

This is a wonderful idea.

It'll save me a trip to the lawyer.

Thank you, Hubert.

Wait a minute, Mother.

Don't you think we ought to draw straws, just to be fair?

Your name's first on the list, Ethel. That's fair.

You've got to get just what you asked for, nothing.

Stanley, will you be quiet? I don't want you to spoil Mama's fun.

Your father always loved automobiles, so he bought automobile stock every chance

he had.

So now, for Ethel... Oh, just a minute, Mother.

To avoid any chance of a misunderstanding...

You do mean me, Ethel, and not Helen Ethel or Hilda Ethel, right?

Who's Hilda Ethel?

Go ahead, Mother.

For Ethel, 500 shares of Pierce Arrow.

That's just marvelous. Oh, Mother.

Pierce Arrow?

Mother, they went out of business 50 years ago.

This is worthless.

Oh, no, your father said to hold on to them.

200 shares of Tucker Motors and 1 ,000 shares of Auburn Motors.

Worthless.

Thank you, Mama.

Wait a minute. Let me see those.

Peerless.

Locomobile. Jordan.

Stoddard Dayton.

These are worthless. They're all worthless.

Kissel. Trackmobile. IBM.

IBM?

Mother, you have 500 shares of IBM.

Yes. Who are you going to give those to?

I'm going to keep those.

I hear they're worth a bundle.

Good night, Helen. Good night, Ethel.

Ethel, I forgot this.

What? Your inheritance.

You can keep it, Stanley.

What do you want me to do with this?

Good riddance.

I'm glad they're all gone, Helen.

Yeah, so am I.

Because you know, Stanley, tonight really made me stop to think.

We may not always be here.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm just glad that I'm spending my life with you.

I'm glad I'm spending my life with you.

Oh, Stanley.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Helen.

is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard I love you

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

Jack and Vicki abstain from sex to prove to her father that their attraction

isn't entirely physical.

Freezer Crowd, next on Deja View.