Original subtitles

You've been staring at those cards for ten minutes.

What are you trying to do, hypnotize the king of hearts?

I don't even have the king of hearts. Oh, good, good.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You sure you want to play that card?

Oh, oh, you're right. Wait. Hold it. Too late.

All right, let it as the card played.

I wonder where Jenny is. You know, I'm worried.

Why, is there something missing?

Stanley, it's almost midnight. If she doesn't get home pretty soon, she won't

even get any sleep.

She has to start delivering her newspapers in a few hours.

That's crazy. You know, back in my time, if a girl wasn't home by 11 o 'clock,

her father would have killed her.

Back in your time, if a girl wasn't home by 8 o 'clock, you would have bored her

to death.

Oh, hi.

What are you two still doing up? Hi, Jenny. Oh, Mr.

Roper couldn't sleep.

Mr. Roper, you shouldn't worry about me. I can... take care of myself.

Yeah, that's what I told him.

So, uh, did you have a nice time on your date?

Date? Oh, yeah.

What did you do?

Oh, well, we just sort of hung out.

What?

We just talked, Mr. Roper. What did you talk about?

Cars. He's really into cars.

Other people's, I bet.

Stanley, what do you like?

Okay, he's, um...

Tall and strong.

An athlete?

No, but he runs ten miles every day. Keep ahead of the cops.

Oh, he's so smart.

And handsome, too.

Sounds a little like me.

Very little.

Go on, Jenny.

Well, he's warm and considerate and understanding.

Oh, he sounds wonderful.

Where did you meet him?

In my dream.

What?

I made him up.

Why? Because that's what you wanted to hear.

He's got you there, Helen.

Quiet, Stanley.

Look, Jenny.

Jenny, you're a young girl. You need to be getting some fun out of life.

This is Roper. It's my life.

And I'm doing just fine on my own. Okay?

But every girl needs a man.

You don't know what you're missing.

Dear, your life is my life.

And I gotta get some sleep.

Jenny. Will you forget it, Helen?

No, Dan.

Come on, let's finish the game. I'm one card away from winning. Make your move.

Jen.

Sugar. Flour.

Cookies.

Cookies.

Cookies. Let me guess.

Bozo the Clown?

Very funny.

Very funny.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm looking for something to eat.

Flour? It doesn't say flour. It says cookies.

They will be cookies when I make them.

It's all your fault. This wouldn't have happened if you'd been here like you're

supposed to. I was out shopping with Jenny. Oh, Stanley, I bought her the

pair of new shoes.

With our money?

I couldn't resist.

Why do you have to buy her new shoes?

To go with the new outfit I'm buying her this afternoon.

Helen, you're killing me.

Jenny is a pretty young girl. She just doesn't know it yet.

Wouldn't it be cheaper if we just gave her a mirror?

Look, she should be out dating like other young girls her age.

Didn't you hear what she said? She's not interested in boyfriends.

Oh, she was just covering up. What she needs is a little womanly advice on how

to attract a young man's attention.

You're going to show her?

I attracted your attention, didn't I?

Yeah, but that was right after I spent four years in the army.

Will you stop worrying about Jenny and start worrying about my lunch?

Is that all you ever think about?

Well, then you're forgetting your wifely duties.

You gotta be kidding.

I don't mean those duties.

I'm gonna go up and show Jenny how to use the new eyeshadow I bought her. What

about me?

You look adorable.

in Los Angeles, Michael.

It's got everything.

Beaches and pretty girls, good university.

Yeah, but how about the pollution?

You can ask him yourself.

Ask him about what? Nothing. Come on, Michael.

Brooks, aren't you going to introduce me? I hadn't planned on it, no.

Uncle Jeff.

Uncle. Yeah, this is my nephew, Michael. He's just transferred here from

Columbia.

Columbia?

¿Se habla español?

the country, Roper, the university.

Oh. Uncle Jeff's been telling me you really know how to have a good time out

here in California.

Well, I do get around.

That's not what he meant. Oh, don't even bother, Michael. Oh, I thought I heard

you, Jeffrey. There's a call for you. No. Excuse me?

Uh, you don't know anybody at all here yet, do you? No, not really. And now is

not a good time to start.

Jeffrey, we thought it was urgent.

I heard what you said about having a good time.

Oh, yeah?

Would you like to go out on a date?

You're not my type.

I'm not talking about me. I got a girl in my storeroom.

Well, yeah, what are you doing, stocking up for a rainy day?

No, she's just living there temporarily.

Yeah, well, thanks all the same, but no thanks. Oh, hold it. I'll introduce you

to her this afternoon. You can just ask her to go out. I'm sorry, but I don't go

out on blind dates.

Hold it. You said that you're new in town, didn't you? Yeah.

Do you really think you can find a date anywhere?

Sure.

But do you think you can find a date to go out with you tonight?

Sure.

Okay. But do you think you can find somebody who will give you 50 bucks to

out with that date?

No. Uh -huh.

You really offering me $50 to take her out? Did I say 50?

You've got yourself a deal.

$50 and I promise you we're going to have a great night on the town.

How about 35? You just hang around the neighborhood.

I didn't think so.

Ellen? Hmm?

Do you want to let me get even for the other night?

Later, Stanley. I'm hemming Jenny's dress.

Will you stop fussing around about Jenny and let nature take its course?

Sometimes nature can't make it.

I was 20. So charming, so bright, so talented, so... Modest. Yes.

Well,

here I am.

Oh, Michael.

Hi, Uncle Jack. Even dresses for dinner.

Got a date? A date. In town 24 hours and already has a date.

Why, you don't... any grass grow under your feet, you sly fox, you.

See, we use the same aftershave.

You do now.

I hope you don't mind. Mind? Of course not.

Oh, that is a nice tie.

Oh, yeah. I hope you don't mind my borrowing that, too.

You know, you're right, Jeffrey. He's getting more like you every minute.

Well, a man can't make too good an impression on the right kind of girl.

don't you borrow my car to pick her up? Oh, no, no, come on, come on. I insist.

Okay.

Have a nice time.

Oh, I will. Oh, I'm sure you will.

Hey, you need any money, son? Oh, I don't like to take any money. But since

everything is more expensive in California, thanks a lot. I don't

I'm sure whoever your date is, she is worth it.

Right.

What are you doing?

Picking up my date.

Your what?

Hi. All set.

Oh, great.

Let's go.

Michael. Don't wait up, Uncle Jeff. Michael.

Don't they make a nice couple?

Roper, good night.

Oh,

Stanley, didn't Jenny look...

How about some dinner?

Oh, I hope she has a good time tonight.

Well, for $50, you better.

What?

I paid him $50 to take her out.

You paid him to take her out?

You think it was too much?

What's the matter with you?

You bribed that boy.

I did not.

Is it bribery to give somebody money to take somebody else out?

Yes.

You call it bribery when you give that person money to try and have a good

Yes.

Was it bribery when your father gave me money to take you out?

He didn't. It's only because he was too cheap.

You want me to tell you why I paid him to take Jenny out? Yes!

Because I miss you.

What?

Well, you spend all that time with Jenny and none with me, and I get lonely.

Oh, really, Stanley?

Yeah, well, it means a lot to me when I'm watching TV or reading to know that

you're near, close to me, in the kitchen, cooking.

Okay, so you're lonely.

What about Jenny?

Well, I did it for her, too. I knew she was unhappy because she didn't have a

boyfriend. Oh, Stanley, I know you meant well, but you did the wrong thing, even

if it was for the right reason.

Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.

Oh, yes, there is. When the kids come back, you can do something.

You think I could ask them for my money back?

No, you can tell Jenny the truth.

Why? So I can make her unhappy?

She'll really be unhappy if you never ask her out again.

What if he likes her?

I'm not going to take that chance.

Now, this time you're going to do the right thing for the right reason.

What is the right reason?

I'm going to kill you if you don't.

That's a good reason.

Imagine, my nephew out with that girl.

Ann, you knew about this. Why didn't you say something?

I did. I told him to have a nice time.

Not to Michael, to me. I could have warned him.

Oh, Jeffrey, don't you think he has a mind of his own? Uh -huh, uh -huh,

my point. We're talking about an intellectual here. He has no knowledge

real world.

He's a sitting duck for a girl like that.

Jeffrey, you're being ridiculous. It's just a date. It's not like they're

getting engaged.

Engaged?

Jeffrey. Ha, ha!

Of course, that's what she's after, the family name.

Dingleman?

That's right. He's my sister's son.

But what does that matter? She'll still look at him with those big eyes and toss

her hair seductively and laugh at his tiny little jokes.

You mean like I did with you? You couldn't help yourself.

Jeffrey, what do you think is going to happen tonight?

Dan, there's no telling what two people will do in a moment of passion.

Hi. What are you two talking about?

Nothing.

Oh, sex again.

Yes.

David, what are you still doing up? Aren't you going to tuck me in?

Oh, I'll be up in a second, honey. You go on to bed.

David, now, just a moment. Isn't there something you want to say to me?

What do two people do in a moment of passion? Go to bed.

Is that what they do? No, yeah, no.

You, you, you go to bed.

You heard your father, David. You go right to bed. Just as soon as he tells

what two people do in a moment of passion.

David, uh... Passion is an emotion.

What's an emotion?

An emotion is the feeling, the feeling that you feel.

Like when I get a stomachache?

No. No, Jake. We're getting very close here.

This kind of feeling is something, something inside you, inside you that

Like a mommy having a baby?

No, no, no, David, no. It's not something,

something inside you. It's a something, something inside you.

It's a something.

It's a something.

It's okay, Daddy. If you don't know the answer, never mind. It's not important.

important. David, you asked me a legitimate question. You deserved an

How else are you going to learn?

You see, David, you see how strongly your father is feeling about teaching

the meaning of words? Yes.

That's passion.

Oh, thanks for explaining it to me.

Your father was very happy to explain it to you, weren't you, Jeffrey?

Oh, why, sure.

I mean, what are fathers for?

Good answer.

Smart kid.

They're back.

They are?

Well, I think I'll call it a night. Oh, no, you don't.

You're going to stay up and tell Jenny what you did.

Well, I can't throw a wet blanket on romance.

That's just not in me.

Believe me, Stanley, it is.

Now promise me you'll tell her.

All right. All right.

Hi. Oh, hi, kids.

Well, how'd it go tonight?

Oh, terrific.

It did?

Yeah, we went to a disco. Had a wonderful time.

Really? Oh, hey, Stanley, did you hear that?

Yeah, it's too bad they'll never go back there again.

What makes you say that? Well, after I told Jenny what it was. No.

You don't have to now.

I mean, didn't you hear? They had a wonderful time. Yeah, but I thought you

wanted me to go. No, that was before.

How about some cocoa?

I don't want any cocoa.

I was talking to the kids.

I'll help you, Mrs. Roper. Oh, all right. And, Stanley, you make Michael

home. Want me to nag at him?

Make him feel welcome.

So, you had a nice time, huh?

Yeah. Oh, that's great. That's great.

Got any change left over?

after Mr. Roper introduced me to him.

Oh, Ginny, Mr. Roper was just trying to help you meet a nice young man. And I

appreciate it. But I gotta get to know people first, at my own speed.

Oh, of course.

I should have realized.

Mrs. Roper, what am I gonna do about Michael?

Well, don't worry.

After tonight, you won't have to see him again.

So just consider this your home.

You come for dinner tomorrow night, and then Friday, what we'll do is... I don't

think so, Mr. Roper.

Why not? You'll have a good time.

Jenny will be here.

Look, Mr. Roper, is Jenny related to you or anything?

No. Oh, good. Then I can level with you.

And after all the trouble I went to tonight, she doesn't seem very grateful.

What are you talking about?

She's in there making cocoa for you right now.

That's not what I meant.

Look, when you were my age and you went out and spent a lot of money on a girl,

didn't you expect her to return the favor?

Well, sure.

I never met a girl who would spend money on me.

That's not what I meant.

Oh, I know what you meant.

She wouldn't let you kiss her goodnight, huh? Don't worry about that. Helen

wouldn't let me kiss her goodnight on our first date either.

Talk about not knowing a good thing.

That's not what I meant either.

No? Listen, you look like a guy who really knows his score.

Yeah. Well, after you've gone out and you've shown a girl a really good time,

don't you think the least you could do would be to put out?

Let me show you something.

Huh?

Come here, come here.

Hey, what do you want to show me?

The street.

Get out!

Danny, where's Michael?

Oh, he's not here anymore.

I can see that, but where'd he go? Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Um, Jenny.

Stanley. Don't say a word, Helen.

Listen. I don't care how crazy you are about this kid. I just threw him out.

What? Now, I know you'll be mad at me right now for a while. Oh, Mr.

Roker.

Don't cry, Jenny. I can't stand him anymore.

You're a lifesaver.

I thought you liked him.

That's because I thought you liked him.

Me? I hardly even know him. He's just some guy I gave 50 bucks to to take you

out. Stanley.

You did what?

I, I, I, I, I, I, I. What do you mean?

Oh, Mr.

Roper, you thought enough of me to do that.

Don't ever do it again.

Oh, I won't.

What are you doing?

Well, I thought I'd drop in on a few friends up in San Francisco.

Why do you do no such thing?

I'll get us some coffee.

What's the matter? Aren't you having a good time?

No, I didn't last night.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Going out with Jenny was a big mistake.

Well, she's not intellectual enough for you, right?

No, she didn't put out.

She didn't what?

didn't put out and to top it all off after i told roper he got really mad and

threw me out he did yeah can you believe it you come with me michael i'll settle

this right now oh you know that's what i like about you uncle jeff you don't let

people get away with anything you're absolutely right

It's Michael. He just left.

Oh? Not just as well. He won't be using my things anymore, either.

Yes, he will. No?

That was your suitcase.

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.