Original subtitles

Stanley, it's 11 o 'clock. Why aren't you dressed?

Trying to fix the toaster. The bread won't pop up.

Yeah, well, when a thing gets old, it doesn't work so good.

Well, we never use it.

Especially when you never use it.

Something wrong with the wiring. All it needs is a little expert attention.

So, why don't you take it to the repair shop?

Are you kidding? They went eight bucks. You know what I could buy for eight

bucks? My next two birthday presents.

Oh, darling.

I wish you'd learn to control yourself.

My husband could be home any moment.

And? Gotcha.

Hi. Hi.

How was your day? Oh, it's terrific.

And I think I have a buyer for Town Health 204.

Oh, Jeffrey, that's great. Who is it? Oh, it's Mr.

Roland Calvert, and he's willing to pay the full price.

Terrific. I wonder if that means I wasn't asking enough.

Jeffrey, I'm so proud of you. You are one super salesman. Oh, that's very

Oh, I think you're going to like Calvert. He's ideal for this

You mean friendly? No, I mean rich.

Now, this... Calls for a celebration. Oh, you are absolutely right.

Well, where should we go?

Up there would be nice.

Do you smell something burning?

Oh, come on, Jeffrey. You're not that good.

Fire! Fire!

Maybe you are.

Fire? It's coming from next door. Fire!

Fire, fire.

Where? Fire, fire.

Where, where?

There, there.

Oh, my. Fire, fire, fire.

Fire, fire, fire.

The fire's out.

Oh, Stanley was making toast.

What was Stanley using, a blowtorch?

Electrical fires are like that. Well, as long as everything's under control, why

don't we... Did you say electrical fire?

Yeah, the sparks came right out of the wall.

I'll tell you, there's something wrong with the wiring.

Electrical fire, this could ruin me.

What'd you say? I said it's about noon.

The fire spreads so fast.

I mean, from the kitchen curtains to the plastic tablecloth.

It even sent Stanley's underpants.

That must have been painful.

Oh, they were in a pile waiting to be ironed.

Electrical pile. Well, now, the most important thing is that you're both all

right. And show our friends into our house.

What? Where they can rest and recover from this...

Tiny little inconvenience.

Oh, come on now, Mr. Brooks. You don't want to do all that. Now, please,

Mrs. Roper. I'm sorry. I insist.

Now, inside.

Come on in.

In. And some drink for our friend.

I'll have beer.

Oh, a beer.

Did you hear that, Ann? A beer.

Oh, how modest the request.

No, no. We must have good wine for our good friend.

Oh, you must have got any trouble.

Oh, Mr.

Burton. You hear what he said, he can sit.

Please, sit down.

Here,

this will calm your nerves. Oh, I hope so.

Ah,

isn't that good?

Yeah. Don't you have any beer?

I told you, I don't have... But, gee, I'd be glad to go out and get you some.

Oh, drink your wine.

You're drinking Chateauneuf -de -Pape 1969.

1969?

Thought it tasted a little stale.

I just hate to think of all that smelly smoke and the damage to our kitchen. Oh,

now, please, Mrs. Roper, you let me worry about that.

You? Sure, I'll have a team of painters over here in half an hour. They'll have

your place back in shape in no time.

intergalactical ray gun please not not now little fella i gotta fix something

much bigger a space monster you could say that your husband is being so

nice i know isn't that funny how how you don't really get to know a person even

though you live right next door to them or even closer than that it's all

settled your place will soon be as good as new oh you know

Brooks, you are really something. Isn't he?

Now, in the meantime, if there's anything I can do while you just... Oh,

done so much already.

How about some scotch? Of course, some scotch.

Coming right up, and you just make yourselves right at home, all right?

Thank you.

Hey, watch where you're putting your bits!

I mean, uh, golly.

Careful, Finn.

What is that thing, anyway? Oh, well, this thing is a very delicate and

expensive pre -Columbian sculpture.

It can actually shatter from heavy breathing.

You don't have to worry. We haven't done any of that in weeks.

I'll just get some cheese and crackers. Oh, that's a good idea, Ann. I'll give

you a hand. Oh, now, Stanley, come on. Help yourself to the scotch.

Uh, excuse me now. I'm sure you two have something to talk about.

Exchange fire tails.

Jeffrey, why are you acting so strange?

Strange? I was being nice to them.

That's what I mean.

And these people are in trouble. It's the least we can do to help them.

Jeffrey, I'm so glad to hear you say that.

After all, the painter did say to have their place ready this afternoon.

Even I can put up with the ropers for a few hours.

Don't you have to call a plumber?

Why, little fella?

I heard you talking on the phone. You said if Mr. Roper blabs about the fire,

the rest of the townhouses would go down the toilet.

You said what?

Anne, I... Of all the folks? Are you going to fight now?

Just me. Go upstairs and play, David. No, no, no. I was just about to pick

intergalactical space gun. I hope it's loaded.

Anne! Go on. Go upstairs, David.

Oh, Jeffrey, and I thought you were concerned.

Oh, believe me, I am concerned, and with good reason.

Are you worried about something?

Oh, no. Yes.

Ann, what if by some slim possibility, the Roper's fire was actually caused

because of faulty wiring?

Jeffrey, that wouldn't be your responsibility.

You were only the real estate agent. Ann, you don't understand. There was a

similar fire at that other development, Kingston Condominiums, and when a

vicious rumor circulated about faulty wiring, well...

And they still have ten units they cannot sell.

Ann, don't you understand? I could be ruined.

I thought you were being nice to them because it was the right thing to do. It

is the right thing to do. Otherwise, I'll blow this ale to Mr. Calvert.

Stanley, you have got to tell Mr. Brooks the truth about how the fire started.

It's the only right thing to do.

Helen, accidents are accidents. It could happen to anybody.

Oh, no.

It takes a special talent to short out the toaster, burn up the kitchen

curtains, and then try to smother the fire with a plastic tablecloth.

You make it sound like it was my fault.

Look, Stanley, are you going to tell Mr. Brooks the truth or not? Will you keep

your voice down?

The insurance company finds out how the fire started. The premiums will go right

through the roof. Do you understand?

Yeah, I understand.

Well, here we are. I'll put on the coffee.

Mr. Brooks, my husband would like to talk to you about the fire.

I thought he would.

Johnny, you straighten everything out with Mr. Brooks, you hear?

And I'm going to go in the kitchen and help Ann.

Helen thinks that we should talk about... Oh, Stanley, old pal, you

wish I had a nickel for every house that had a teeny -weeny -eeny little bit of

faulty wiring in it.

Wait a minute.

You mean our house has faulty wiring?

Well, it's only a possibility.

You mean we're living in a death trap? No, no, no.

People get killed in death traps. But Stanley, you were not hurt.

No, but the furniture was scorched, and the curtains were singed, and my wife

smells like a barbecue.

We can burst you for any damage. And what about the plastic tablecloth?

What'd you say? I'll pay for everything, even your underpants.

Just let's forget it ever happened, huh?

Well, I'll try.

Did you straighten everything out with Mr. Brooks? Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Roper.

We had a nice little talk and everything is taken care of. Oh, Stanley, I'm so

proud of you.

Now, don't you feel better?

Much better, much better.

Jeffrey, more scotch.

Coming right up, Stanley. I want you two to know that you are welcome to stay

here as long as the painters are fixing up your place.

Thank you. Please, please, will you make yourselves at home? Whatever you say,

Jeffrey, old boy.

Jeffrey, that was the painters.

They can't come until tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Oh, no.

Oh, I won't be able to sleep with that horrible smell of smoke.

Me neither.

You won't have to.

Like Jeffrey said, you must stay here until your place is painted.

I'll go fix up the guests.

No, David. Now you've had enough water. Get back to bed.

I don't know where he puts it all.

Ann, have you noticed how much I've aged since the Ropers came?

Jeffrey, they've only been staying with us for a few hours.

Ann is a magician.

He made two of my most expensive bottles of wine just disappear.

I don't hear you.

And look on the bright side. The painters will be here in the morning.

better be, because if he stays one minute longer, I... Oh, it's late,

Can't you forget about the Ropers? Oh, forget about the Ropers.

Can a turkey forget about Thanksgiving?

Jeffrey. Can the Navy forget about Pearl Harbor?

Can Macy forget about Gimbel?

Forget about them.

Forget about who?

Oh, no. It's David again.

What do you want, honey?

You got an aspirin, honey?

I don't like to disturb you. Then don't.

I've got this terrible headache, and I was wondering...

What happened? Did the pajamas shrink?

Certainly not.

These are pure silk. Ann gave them to me.

You wear your wife's pajamas?

No. Don't you understand? Ann bought them at a very exclusive... Why am I

explaining this to him?

Nice bedroom you got here.

Thank you.

Bookshelves and TV.

You and your husband must spend a lot of time in here.

I mean, reading, watching TV.

Sleeping.

Hey, Roper, this should get rid of your headache.

Tomorrow, I get rid of mine.

You got one, too?

I bet it was that cheap wine.

Good night, Roper.

Night.

Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

I will be calm.

Forget about them.

You're right. Now, where were we?

Oh, no.

I can't sleep in that room. You can't sleep in this one.

I was wondering if I could borrow your TV. See, TV helps me to sleep. There's a

TV in the living room. You can watch that.

I know. If I watch that, then I'll be asleep and I'll have to wake up to go

upstairs. Then I won't be asleep anymore.

Take it.

my dead body.

As always.

Look, do you want to lend us the TV for the night?

Oh, isn't that nice of you?

It was nothing.

Are you sure you don't want to watch Johnny Carson?

Mrs. Rupert. Oh, you know, he has, sometimes he has these wild animals on

the zoo.

I think he's really very brave the way he handles them. Don't you?

You know, Ant, have you ever been near a wild animal?

No. But I think I will be in a minute.

Helen, why do you bother these people? Can't you see they want to go to bed?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Come on, be turned to the Alamo's on tonight.

Here. Oh, oh, oh, thank you.

Nowhere, Ann.

You mean you don't want me? Maybe never again.

Just remembered I have an early morning appointment with Mr. Calvert tonight.

I've got to go to sleep.

Good night, dear.

Good night.

I'm afraid that's the last piece.

You gonna eat that?

Yeah, maybe.

That's okay. He can have it. Thanks.

There was no hot water for my shower.

That's funny. There was plenty for mine.

May I speak with you one moment, please?

Want to see my book?

I don't think so.

It's one of my favorites, Archie and Jughead.

Oh, comics. Why didn't you say so?

There's no need to be upset.

No need to be upset?

No need to be upset. I can't shower. I can't sleep.

And last night, I couldn't... Ann, I want those people out of here by this

afternoon. Yes, dear. I'm going to say goodbye to David.

Will you look at those two boobs?

Archie and Jughead, they really make me laugh.

Ann, make that this morning.

Goodbye, David.

And I'm going to the office to see Mr. Calvert. Perhaps he can bring a touch of

class to the neighborhood.

Sure can use it.

Goodbye. The electrical inspector will be here today. Just tell him how the

started and he'll take care of everything.

Right. Oh!

I'm Mr. Calvert.

Oh, I'm not Mrs. Brooks. I'm Mrs.

Roper. Oh, I'm sorry.

You're sorry.

Come in. Oh, thank you. Mrs.

Brooks is out, but she'll be back in a few minutes. Oh, good.

I'm afraid I was a little tardy for my appointment with her husband this

morning.

I'm buying one of the townhouses.

Oh, no.

His office told me he was on his way back here.

Oh, good, good.

This gentleman is here to see Mr.

Brooks about... No, I know all about it. I'll talk to him. Oh, oh, all right.

Listen, I want to go and check on the painters, so... Very nice to have met

Well, thank you.

So, you want to know all about the fire?

The fire?

Yeah, I know who I want to talk to.

The fire was next door, and it's my house.

The whole place almost burned down because of the faulty wiring.

All hay wiring? The worst.

And it led to an electrical fire?

They don't make things like they used to. You know, they cut corners right and

left. Oh, they do, do they?

Anything to make a buck.

Very interesting.

I just hope you're going to do something about it.

Oh, you can count on it.

Nice to see you. Oh, I brought the papers.

Oh, never mind. I told them all about the fire.

What?

And you should be ashamed of yourself, Brooks, passing off these fire traps as

luxury townhouses.

Mr. Cowan, you don't understand. You... You should be put in jail.

Isn't he going to inspect the wiring?

That was prospective fire, you idiot.

Do you...

realize that you have just... Oh,

Stanley!

Our house is ready. We can go home now.

Late. You're too late.

You did a good job.

Oh, yeah. The place looks beautiful.

Believe me.

I'm not going to let Stanley fix any more toasters.

What did you say? Come on, let's go, Helen. You don't want to bother these

people anymore. Oh, Stanley's fixing the wiring on our toaster.

What? You didn't tell him. Come on, will you?

Stanley started the fire by shorting out our toaster.

Hooper, you didn't tell me about that.

I didn't want you to get upset.

Upset?

Upset?

Why? Why would I be upset? Just because you blew the sale to Calvert, just

because you have destroyed my entire reputation as a salesman of honest real

estate is totally a lie!

Come

on, Alan, before

he gets upset.

The Brooks check to pay the painters.

Well, I thought Mr. Brooks wasn't going to pay you because it was your fault.

That's right.

But Ann reminded him that he promised.

In fact, she signed the check. Look.

But Stanley, you started the fire.

That's not the point.

Ann did the right thing.

Sometimes a woman has to take the responsibility to do what's right.

I got it. I got it. You got what?

The Brooks check to pay the painters.

Well, I thought Mr. Brooks wasn't going to pay you because it was your fault.

That's right.

But Ann reminded him that he promised.

In fact, she signed the check.

Look.

But Stanley, you started the fire.

That's not the point.

Ann did the right thing.

Sometimes a woman has to take the responsibility to do what's right.

Since you put it that way.

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

After Jack makes a sour investment with Vicki's tax refund, Jack takes out a

second job to repay her.

Three's A Crowd is next on Deja View.