Original subtitles

Oh, yes, she's such a good little puppy, isn't she?

Yes, she is.

Here, you give Uncle Stanley a great big kiss.

What now, Helen? I got a headache.

Wake up, Stanley.

Get her off. Get her off.

Yeah, she's cute, but she doesn't belong up here on the couch. I think you're

spoiling her. I am not.

Am I, Muffin?

Muffin, what kind of name is that for a dog?

Why don't you call her Lassie after a real dog?

Or Rags? Yeah. After my wardrobe?

Listen, speaking of clothes, yesterday I caught her chewing on my socks again.

Oh, that's okay. She's had her shots.

I'll tell you another thing. I don't want her going to sleep on our bed at

night. Why? What's wrong with that?

Well, stop and think, Helen.

I mean, what if I'm in the mood?

Oh, Stanley.

I'll make her her own little bed in the kitchen right now.

I said if, Helen.

I don't want to hear if. I want to hear when.

Okay, when is lunch?

Lunch is now.

Good. I'm going to give my little muffin a kibble.

Get a yam.

What about me?

You can have what's left.

What about my lunch? I always have to wait for everything. I can't read the

newspaper until after you spread it over the kitchen floor.

Yesterday, I had a look at the funnies on my hands and knees.

Well, you want her to be housebroken, don't you?

She's already housebroken. She does it all over the house.

Oh, now, look what you did. You reminded her.

What?

Hold it.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Hold it.

I told you to hold it.

Well, good afternoon, Ann.

David. Hi, Dad. Lunch is ready. Good. I'm so hungry I could eat a mousse.

A chocolate mousse.

You're in a good mood today, aren't you? Well, I should be. I just saw the new

azalea bushes the gardener planted.

Oh, I'm glad you like them. Like them?

Why, I love them.

With a little love and care, they'll grow up and block the view of Roper's

What's this?

Artichokes. I don't think I like them. Oh, now, come on, son. Have a little

heart.

You see, David, inside of every little artichoke, there's a little heart. And

that's why they call them heartichokes.

He's got absolutely no sense of humor.

He does.

Thunky's not feeling well. You're still playing with that imaginary dog?

Thunky's not imaginary. He's invisible.

Well, why don't you give your invisible dog an invisible pill?

I'm sorry, little fella.

Okay, what's the matter with Thunky? He's lonely. He needs a playmate. Well,

he's got you.

No, I mean a dog playmate. A real puppy. No, you don't want a dog, David.

Why not? The rovers have one. And that's one reason right there.

Jeff, what's wrong with a little puppy?

Didn't you have any pets when you were a boy? No, they weren't allowed at my

school.

But I once did have a little turtle I kept in a cigar box.

I used to race him.

Did you win?

I used to race him against other turtles.

I could race my puppy by it. No puppy.

Besides, you already have a pet.

He died.

What? A year ago.

Oh, that's terrible.

Well, it had to happen sooner or later.

Salamanders have a very short lifespan.

Oh, come here, son.

Oh, so you're... The pet salamander died, huh?

It must have been tough dealing with the death of your pet friend.

It was.

How did you handle it?

Crackers are terrible.

That's because they're dog biscuits.

Why do you leave them around where people can eat them?

Because most people can tell the difference between regular food and dog

How do they eat around here?

Muffin? She's out in the back.

What's she doing out there?

The same thing she's been doing to our carpet in here.

I mean, why aren't you out there watching?

You want me to watch?

I mean, she could get lost.

Oh, if you're thinking what I think you're thinking... I'm not thinking

anything. Normally, that's true.

I tell you, Stanley, if anything has happened to that dog... You get that

I'll get the door. Oh, well, hurry up.

Mr. Brooks? Don't try to humor me.

I'm very upset.

About what?

About your dog. I caught her digging up my bushes.

Muffins blew?

Not anymore. I tied her to the wrought iron fence and she's probably making

rusty.

Muffins are all right. She's in a Brooks yard playing with David.

Oh, oh, Stanley.

Mr. Brooks has been complaining to me.

About what? She's dug up my azaleas, that's what.

I don't believe that. She wouldn't do that. Helen loves azaleas.

You're a damn nuisance, you know that?

Now lie down and don't cause any more trouble, you hear me?

Oh, is that yours?

That depends.

What did he do?

Nothing. It's so adorable.

Oh, it's my little poopsie whoopsie.

Oh,

I just love her. Yeah, me too.

I think he's writing a letter to Santa Claus asking for a dog. That's perfect.

Christmas will be coming a little early this year.

Ask him to come down, will you please?

Why? What's in the box?

What do you think?

I'm not one of your insensitive fathers, you know.

How wonderful.

David,

come down here. Your father has something for you. Oh, I can't wait to

little fella's face.

Jeffrey, you really are an old softy at heart. I know.

Hold on. Come here, David. And sit down and close your eyes, and you too, Ann,

because this is a big surprise, okay? Close them.

That's Mr.

Wolf.

Mr. Wolf?

Uh -huh. When I saw him in the window of the toy store, I couldn't resist him. I

walked right in and I said, How much is that doggy in the window?

What do you think, David?

It's not real.

Oh, that's because I haven't put in the battery yet.

It doesn't cry and it doesn't dig up shrubs.

When you're finished with it, why, you just put it right back up on the shelf.

There.

What do you think, David?

It's not real.

Of course it is. It's a real mechanical dog.

It doesn't make your face or wag its tail like a real dog.

Oh, but it does wag its tail. You see, you push this button and wag.

You push this button, and it whoops.

Whack, and whoop.

Whack, and whoop.

Well, what do you say, David?

Thank you.

I think I'll go over to the ropers.

Ah.

Doesn't, uh, doesn't seem too enthusiastic.

Maybe you didn't push the right button.

Oh, yes, I did. You see?

Whack.

And whoop.

Whack.

Whoop.

Oh, she doesn't swim yet.

I thought you said to make her go walk.

What, and leave a lovely girl like you all alone with a dangerous duck?

Hi, Mr.

Ralford.

Oh, David.

Uh, you come here often?

Oh, yes.

They say it's very cosmetic.

I come here for my skin. How about you?

I come here for your skin, too.

Yeah, I'll be there in a minute. But, Mr. Roper, she's waiting for you. I'm

coming, I'm coming.

You can play with my duck if you want.

Um, didn't you forget something?

What?

Your dog.

Oh, yeah, I did tie her up here. You saw me.

Mr. Roper? Wait just a second. Here, Muffin.

Muffin. But, Mr. Roper.

Kid. Just a second, please. I've got to find Muffin. Muffin, Muffin. I saw a dog

just like her running that way.

You what? I saw a dog just like her. I heard you. I heard you.

I don't want to tell Mrs. Roper. No, no, no. Don't tell her. Why not?

Because she's too young to die.

Me over here.

Cooper, what are you doing on my lawn? You're getting my feet wet.

I'm sorry.

Cooper,

what do you want?

I want to borrow your car.

Oh, you want to borrow my car?

Well, let me think about that.

Come on, Brooks, I'm serious. So am I. Why don't you borrow your own car?

Because my keys are inside. I don't want Helen to see me. I wish you'd give the

rest of us the same consideration.

And I want you to do something about your dog.

I'm trying to. That's why I want to borrow your car.

I don't mean teach it to drive.

Very funny.

It's me. It's me, dear.

Just me and Muffin.

Well, your lunch is ruined. Where have you been all this time?

Just take Muffin for a little walk. That's all, dear.

And Muffin was enjoying it, too.

Weren't you, Muffin?

He says he enjoyed it.

Where are you going?

Muffin just had to go out again.

Don't wee -wee on the flowers.

Here I am, poopsie whoopsie.

Oh, Stanley.

Stanley, you're all hot and perspiring.

Oh, what's come over you?

I don't know. It must be those long walks.

They make me hungry for love.

Oh, Stanley.

And all these years you never walked.

Come on.

Wait, wait. I got a great idea.

What? Why don't you get a tall... chilled bottle of wine for us to take

with us. That sounds romantic.

You want a what?

Sir, this is a pet shop, not a zoo.

Hi.

Remember me?

Mark Spitz.

Stanley Roper. I bought a dog here. How can I forget?

And not too many people try to buy a puppy on the installment plan.

Well, I need another one. You use them a faff, don't you?

I need one about... Ah, he's just what I want.

Wait a minute. That's it.

That's the dog I want.

That's mine.

Wait a minute. You don't understand.

I need my dog.

Customers, customers, please.

If you break him, you're going to have to pay for him.

Now, I am afraid that this lady picked him out first.

Thank you.

But you don't understand. It's a matter of life and death.

Life and death?

Yeah. You see, my wife is very sick.

And she needs this dog.

Yes, but I thought... Yeah, but see, she had a dog just like this before.

Before she... But wouldn't another puppy do just as well?

Wouldn't you want her last weeks to be happy ones?

Last weeks?

Oh, of course I do. Well... Oh, here.

Thank you very much. How much do you want tonight?

Are you buying or leasing?

Helen?

Helen, it's me, Muffin.

Stay.

Ellen? Where are you?

Never mind where I am.

Where were you?

It was an emergency.

Muffin had to go.

For an hour and a half?

It took time for us to find some grass that felt like our carpet.

Don't you want to see her? She's in there.

Look how good she looks.

What do you think?

I think I'm looking at an empty box.

What?

She was in here a second ago.

Muffin.

Muffin, here, Muffin. Muffin. Muffin.

Oh, I got him, I got him. Here, Muffin.

Good dog.

Oh, she's such a smart little puppy. Yeah, she was always smart.

Wait a minute.

What?

She looks different.

Different?

Well, she's older. That's all. No, no, no, no. She doesn't look older, Stanley.

She looks bigger.

Bigger?

Well, dogs swell up in the rain.

It didn't rain today, Stanley.

That's true. That's true. But it will.

A swollen dog is the surest sign of rain.

I didn't know that. Yeah, I heard that on Wild Kingdom.

must be true.

There's just one other thing.

What's that?

When you took Muffin out, she was a girl. Now she's a boy.

Leave it to you to notice something like that.

Stanley, this isn't Muffin. It is so, Muffin. Didn't you see how she came when

called her?

You deserve the truth. I'm going to give you the truth.

I'm waiting.

See, what happened was, I was walking down the street with Muffin, see?

And this big van pulls up next to me.

And two big thugs get out and grab Muffin. Oh.

You know how fast those dog nappers are?

You lost her.

Yeah, but I got you another one.

Why, they look alike, don't they?

Oh, Stanley, you don't love me or Muffin. It's not true.

I love Muffin very much.

Why did you care so little about something that meant so much to me?

I did care, Helen. I did care. What I did was I looked everywhere for Muffin.

Everywhere, and I couldn't find her. So I did the next best thing. I got you

another dog.

I thought that would be what you'd want.

Come on, Helen.

Don't be angry with me.

Oh, Stanley.

I just... I just wish you'd told me the truth about losing Muffin, that's all.

What a smart dog, escaping from the crook like that.

Was that lady in the hot tub a crook?

Lady in the hot tub. Very good, very good, David, the way you found Muffin.

good. What lady, Stanley? There's no time for that. David, I'm going to give

a reward.

You mean the money from my piggy bank?

Money?

How would you like a nice little dog of your own?

I can't. My daddy says I have to. I have a toy dog.

Oh. Well, I think it's time you had a real dog.

Oh, boy, can I?

Sure. But what happens if Daddy says no?

Well, I'll ask him how he'd like to have a toy wife.

Just don't ask Stanley that question.

David? Thought I heard your voices.

Jeffrey, there's something I want to tell you. Good, but first, there's

something I have to say to David.

Little fella?

I've come to a big decision.

Children need responsibility, and you should have a dog.

Ta -da!

Oh, boy, can I keep him? Why, why, sure you can, son.

Wow, now I've got two dogs. That's right.

And... Jeffrey, you're so sweet.

Oh, please, please, not in front of them.

Look at that face.

Yeah, well, it was okay. I mean, Stanley was glad to get his money back.

And it'll be so nice for Muffin to have a little playmate.

Well, I hope it won't be a problem, you know, having a boy dog live next door to

a girl dog.

Maybe we should have our puppy altered.

Oh, well, I... Oh, where you been, Stanley?

I was teaching David's puppy some tricks.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, I taught him all the tricks I know.

In that case you won't have to get the puppy fixed.

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

Jack believes he's going to be a father.

Three's A Crowd is next on Deja View.