Original subtitles

One, two, three,

four.

Ellen, there's a great movie on tonight, The Tentacles of Dr.

Evil.

It's about this mad scientist who creates the most frightening monster in

world. Have you forgotten about my sister?

All right, the second was frightening.

Ethel and Hubert are coming for dinner tonight.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Well, I hope you haven't forgotten about these bills you're having to pay. Don't

start nagging me about those, will you? They've been there for weeks.

That's because I'm smart.

What do you mean?

What I do is I let the bills go to the end of the month. That way my money

interest for me, not for them.

Hey, that's terrific.

You must be saving...

Six, seven dollars a year.

Yeah.

See, I have money to splash on those fancy dinner parties for your hoity

sister. One dinner party, Stanley. Oh, hey, I called Jack Tripper and he gave

this special recipe for moussaka.

Who's moussaka? Her dog?

It's Greek.

She got a Greek dog?

It's a Greek dish.

See... Ethel's always bragging about her Mediterranean cruises, and she says,

nobody can make moussaka like the Greeks.

Well, my moussaka's going to come as a surprise to her.

Your cooking doesn't come as a surprise.

It comes as a shock.

I'm going to prove to Ethel that I can entertain just as well as her rich

friend.

You know, with all the fuss you're going through, I'm surprised you didn't buy

yourself a new dress.

I did.

Helen, you're killing me. Don't you understand, Stanley?

Tonight has to be exactly right. The food, the wine, the atmosphere.

If I'm lucky and everything is perfect, this could be the worst evening of...

moves you could make. Ah, you could take that piece right there.

Oh, yeah.

You took all my checkers. That's not fair.

Well, you shouldn't have made that move.

But you told me to make it.

Well, rule number one, never trust your opponent.

Even when he's your father?

Especially when he's your father. Now, go get ready to go to Aunt Eleanor's. Do

I have to? Of course. Yes, you do.

Your aunt's very old. Do you know how she looks forward to your visit?

That's because she beats me at checkers, too.

Your aunt is a wonderful woman. Who just happens to own a very large house in

Beverly Hills.

That has nothing to do with our visiting her.

Nothing? Well, it's true that someday someone in her family might inherit that

house. And you're her favorite nephew.

I know.

That narrows it down to me and her 12 cats.

for two hours.

Have you seen a corkscrew anyplace?

Not now, Stanley. That's a special wine for tonight.

What's this?

$4 .98?

Couldn't you find anything cheaper?

There's a one there.

Oh, $1 .98. That's not so bad.

There's a one next to the four.

$14 .98?

Jack says it's the perfect wine.

It goes with...

And bankruptcy.

Imagine having to wear this ridiculous tie.

It's your aunt's favorite.

I know, I know.

I hope those cats don't decide to butter up to her this afternoon.

It's impossible competing with Mr. Whiskers.

Jeffrey, they're only cats. I know, I know. What's the point? What does she

in them that she doesn't see in me?

Maybe you don't purr when your stomach is rubbed.

Try me.

You'll be late. It doesn't matter.

Oh, did you wash behind her ears?

Oh, yes.

Does Aunt Ellen not check behind your ears, too?

Hey, you forgot to brush your hair.

Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, but I was just wondering if... Oh, what an

attractive tie.

Aunt Eleanor gave it to him for Christmas.

Oh!

Is there something you wanted?

Oh, Aunt, I was wondering, do you have a serving platter that I could borrow?

Of course. And a butter knife?

Uh, Stanley used ours to clean his spark plugs. Oh, sure.

And maybe some potholders? He used those to lift out his carburetors. Why don't

you just borrow our kitchen? He could make that into a garage.

I brushed my hair. Good, good. Come on, Ann. Let's be going. We're on our way to

Jeffrey Van Illinois. Everything you need is in the cabinet above the sink.

here's my key in case you need anything else. Oh, thanks, Ann.

Oh, those cats.

I just know I'm going to wind up getting fur balls.

I haven't seen you since the bowling tournament.

Yeah, boy, you sure were throwing them wild that night, weren't you?

Did you ever find your ball?

Cut that out. Hey, how about a beer? No, no, thanks. No, one little beer's not

gonna hurt you. Well, okay, just one.

Still with the gas company?

Power. Ah, same thing. They both keep raising their bills.

Yeah, well, I guess there's nothing much we can do about it except pay them,

huh? Yeah, that's true, that's true. Hey, it's really good to see you,

Yeah, thanks.

Uh, this isn't, um...

Exactly a social visit, Stanley. Well, bottoms up. Cheers.

I'm here to turn off your power.

Wait, wait, Doc.

You can't turn off my electricity.

Doc, Stanley, you've already had two warnings.

Yeah, but I never open them, so they don't count, right?

They count to the power company.

Listen, what about if I write you out a check?

I am not authorized to accept payment.

Now, that ought to do it. Doc, listen.

Can't we talk this over?

I'd like to, but I've got to run, Stanley. Listen, you can't shut off my

electricity. My wife's sister's coming over for dinner.

Now, the refrigerator won't work, the lights won't work. We'll be eating in

dark. No, you won't. Oh, good.

Your stove won't work either.

The

stove's

not working.

He really shut it off.

Stanley?

Helen.

Stanley?

Oh, hey.

Anne loaned me her serving platter for tonight.

And also, she gave me her key in case I need to borrow anything else.

No, no, I don't want you going in the kitchen.

Don't be silly. I got work to do. No, no, no, you've done enough work today.

Why don't you take a nap?

I don't have time, Stanley.

I'm making a dinner.

Dinner will be all right. All right.

Listen, you said that dinner was prepared anyway, didn't you? So why

go and take a nap? Don't you want to be nice and fresh tonight?

Yeah, well, I am kind of tired. You look it.

What? I mean, don't you want to look better than Ethel tonight?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, hey, okay, but be sure and wake me in one hour.

Sweet dreams, sweetheart.

Everything's melting.

I'm going to stand now. Calm down.

Why didn't you wake me up?

I wanted you to have your beauty sleep.

But I slept for more than an hour. It worked. You look beautiful.

Oh, yeah? You really think so?

Why don't you turn on some more lights? No, no, no. It's more romantic this way.

Oh.

Oh, there's Ethel and Hilbert now.

Ethel. Helen.

Their doorbell isn't working.

Just like Stanley.

Here, let me take your mouth. Oh, your coat.

Watch your step.

You seem to have lowered the lighting since we were last here.

Yes. How very wise.

Well, make yourselves at home.

Good. I'll pour myself a scotch on the rocks.

I think I'll have a glass of wine, Stanley.

Will you join me, Ethel? Yes. No.

I mean, well, what have you got this time?

Stanley, why don't you open the good French wine?

I certainly hope it's well chilled.

So do I.

So, Ethel, how are things?

Well, I've been thinking. It's about time.

another trip to the Mediterranean for me.

And another trip to the bank for me.

It's so nice not to have to worry about the expense.

It must be.

Here's the wine.

Oh, good. I've got some wonderful hot hors d 'oeuvres to go with it. I'll get

them, dear.

You've been working hard enough. I don't want you raising another finger.

She's my princess.

Take care of us, will you, Hugo boy?

Thank you, Bruno.

There seems to be a new side to Stanley.

Oh, you know Stanley.

He always insists on treating me like a princess.

He's such a...

I sure am looking forward to them.

Yes.

Stanley?

Are you having any trouble, Stanley?

I couldn't find the potholders.

I don't suppose that you have any Perrier water?

Perrier.

I made them from a magazine.

I thought I recognized the taste.

Here's your water.

Oh, Stan, you could have given her a little more than that.

No, no, no, that's just fine. Good. But I could use some ice.

Ice.

making too many demands on him lately, have you, Helen?

Oh, well, I, uh... With Hubert, I don't have to make demands.

I know.

Just excuses.

your allergy pills.

I hate cats.

Just wearing this tie makes me want to sneeze.

David, you better get ready for bed.

I beat up Eleanor Checkers. She's probably writing them out of the will

now.

Sounds like someone's in the kitchen.

Wait, be careful.

Another hors d 'oeuvre?

No, thank you. I prefer the medieval.

Here's your... Here's your...

Someone's cooking dinner in there.

Maybe Helen took you seriously when you said, why don't you borrow our kitchen?

Oh, come on, Ann. People know when I'm joking.

That's true. You always tell them.

I'm going to phone the Ropers right now and find out... What is this?

This cord leads into Roper's house.

There's nothing I like... Better than the Coliseum in the morning, the

in the afternoon?

Bull at night?

What's going on?

Hold this, will you?

I'll fix it.

Henry,

why don't you just go next door and talk to him? I do not talk to thieves.

Do you have to yank on that right now? No, no, of course not. Thank you, Vern.

I'll just unplug it. No, no, no, you can't do that. It's my...

Next year.

Next year, when he goes to his meatpackers convention, he's

letting me go to Hong Kong.

That'll pay him back for sending us the flu.

I've always wanted to go to Greece.

Helen, the lights are out.

It's been my lifelong ambition to see Athens.

Aren't you going to do anything about it? Well, I've tried, but Stanley says

doesn't like long vacations.

Don't you have any candles?

But, but, but, Ann.

Jeffrey, it isn't going to hurt anything to let them use our power till they get

their own back.

That could be years.

Thanks. Thanks. I'll go get the dinner.

fishy first the lights and now this.

And it's all your fault, your responsibility.

Just feel it in my bones. All right, you pay the bills from now on.

What?

Never mind. Let's just serve the dinner, huh?

You didn't pay the electric bill?

So I forgot to pay one lousy bill.

Colin!

I'm gonna kill you. Come here!

Until you tell me when. I'll make it up to you, Helen. How?

I'll take us all out to dinner.

Well,

let's go.

Go where?

I'm taking you all to a fancy restaurant.

That's very nice of you. Which one?

Oh, Stanley, didn't you say something about Chez Louis?

Chez Louis?

It costs 50 bucks just to go in their front door.

Yeah, that's the one.

I forgot to make a reservation.

Well, you just get on the phone, right?

The number is 555 -3671.

Could we just go over there and take pot luck?

Give me that phone.

This phone is dead.

Didn't you hear what happened?

An airplane crashed in this neighborhood into the water. Not all the guys

thought it was horrible. You forgot to pay the telephone bill, too?

That's all right. Louie always keeps a table for us.

Let's go.

Just a minute.

I have to go to the little girl's room.

No, no, no. No, Ethel.

What?

Can you hold it till we get to the restaurant?

Boy, that was a great dinner, wasn't it? Great dinner. I've never been so

humiliated in my entire life.

Well, how was I supposed to know the head waiter's gonna check on my credit

card?

How come you didn't tell me before dinner that you'd forgotten to make the

payments? You didn't ask.

Hey, I look at the bright side.

What bright side?

Hubert got stuck with a check.

Thank you.