Original subtitles

Stanley, I think you're developing a twitch.

What? Oh, I was just experimenting.

You think it looks good on me?

Do I think what looks good on you?

The beard.

What beard?

This beard.

That beard.

I'm thinking a growing one.

On the mirror?

No, on me.

I don't think you have the strength for it, Stanley.

Hey, why aren't you dressed?

I'm not dressed because I'm not going anyplace.

But, Stanley, I made an appointment for us to see the house.

If you don't go with me, how will I know what you think of it?

I'll tell you what I'll think of it. I won't like it, okay?

Then we won't have to go see it.

But, Stanley, we've sold this building. We have to move out.

I told you we could move tomorrow if we buy one of these mobile homes.

In Death Valley?

It's not Death Valley.

They look like rows of coffins.

I want to move up in the world.

All right, I'll buy one on the side of a mountain.

into a nice neighborhood and make friends with nice people.

Look, Stanley, sit down here. I want to show you this. Look.

Royal Dale townhouses for the discriminating homeowner.

Well, that's not for me. I treat everybody equal.

A gracious lifestyle in a beautiful townhouse community.

Swimming pool, tennis courts, recreation room, hot tub.

Where is it?

In Cheviot Hills.

Oh, it sounds beautiful.

So does dysentery, until you know what it means.

Stanley, let's drive out and look at it. Come on, look.

Wait a minute. Who's this Jeffrey P. Brooks III?

Oh, he's the real estate agent. He's meeting us at the house at 1 o 'clock.

Please. Why can't you take no for an answer?

I have three... times already this week.

Last night, the night before, and the night before.

we doing today, little fella?

Playing ball.

Good, good.

Don't bruise the grass.

Ann! Ann!

Jeffrey, you're early.

Did you come home for lunch or five minutes of fun?

Please, Ann, don't arouse the beast in me during business hours.

No, I'm here to... No, no, no.

I'm... I'm here to show some people the house next door.

Well, you sold it? No, not yet. I have to make sure that we get the right sort

of... Neighbors.

Our sort.

Decent. Don't stop. They won't be here for 12 seconds.

You're timing me.

The price.

Stanley? Excuse me.

It isn't Mr. and Mrs. Roper, I hope?

Yes, it is.

It is.

I'm Mrs. Roper.

Could have guessed that.

Jeffrey P. Brooks III.

Well... Stanley Roper I.

Good.

Shall we step inside?

Come right in.

Now, here we are. This is the house.

We'll take it! We'll take it!

Let's take a good look at it before making up our minds, okay?

I don't like it.

Spacious and light.

Watch your step.

With a den area and lots of closets.

Oh, Stanley.

It's such a nice neighborhood.

And it's not too far away for us to visit the kids.

Oh, yes.

Boys or girls? Oh, two girls and one boy.

Three girls.

It's quite a responsibility being a father.

I'm not their father.

No,

they had three different fathers.

Really? Shall we go up to the bedroom?

Yes.

Aren't you coming with us?

No. Oh, no.

Bedrooms don't interest Stanley.

I want you to show me everything.

I don't like it.

Hi.

Hi.

Who are you?

I live next door. Will you play with me?

No, I don't think so.

My name's David Brooks.

Stanley Roper.

Brooks, that's your father? When he's got the time.

And you live next door? Yes. Are you a suitable neighbor for us?

What? Because if you're not, my daddy won't sell you this house.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You mean your father won't sell me this house if he don't like me?

No.

The kitchen is right through there. Oh. And, uh, excuse me.

What are you doing in here, David?

I got no one to play with.

Come along, David, and play by yourself.

Or, um, invent a friend. It's fun. I had to do that.

Run along.

Run along.

I'm sorry about that. He will play, you know.

This is the perfect spot for my drum set. Oh, absolutely. You play the drums?

Only when I give a party.

Three or four times a week.

Three or four times a week?

Well, they come mainly for the cockfighting.

The cockfighting?

Here's a great -looking dish.

Dish?

I had a woman next door.

You look skinny, but seems kind of friendly, if you know what I mean.

It happens to be my wife.

Oh. Well, there's something to be said for skinny women.

David, you live next door? Yes, I do.

Oh, Mr. Brooks, that means we could be neighbors.

I think it's so important to have the right neighbors.

It certainly is.

I mean, I do not play the drum.

I do not have wild parties with my skinny dish.

And let me make one thing perfectly clear.

Cheviot Hills is not cockfighting country.

And now, if you will excuse me, I do have other clients to see. Please close

door when you leave.

Watch your step. What?

What was that all about?

I don't know.

He seemed to have taken a dislike to you.

I like it, and I think we should buy it.

I don't want to hear any more about that house. All I want you to do is take

another look at it. Is that too much to ask?

Okay, okay.

We'll let the cards decide.

What? Sit down.

We'll cut for it.

High card decides what we're going to do.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

You can't let an important... like this be decided by the draw of a card?

What's the matter, Helen?

Ready to take a chance?

I married you, didn't I?

Oh, a king.

Beat that.

I've got an ace.

You can't have an ace. Let me see it.

Don't you believe me? Let me see it.

Are you calling me a liar? I'm not calling you a liar.

It is an ace.

You never did do that trick right, Stan.

Oh, I'm sure it'll be all right, Mrs. Roper. You still have the key?

Right. Goodbye.

Stan, look what I found in my private files.

David's teddy bear.

Oh, did he file it under T or B?

David's got to keep his hands out of my drawers.

his mother. That's your department.

Jeffrey, he's just a little boy. I know he's a little boy.

I wanted a cocker spaniel, but no, we always have to do things your way.

Okay, I tell you what.

Tonight, instead of going to bed, we'll go to the dog pound. Right.

No.

No, your way is much, much better.

Uh, who was on the phone?

Oh, you know the people who looked at the house next door yesterday? They want

to look at it again. Oh, good. The ropers.

speeding.

What in heaven's name are you reading here?

Shock man. He's half man, half fish.

Fights crime underwater.

Oh.

What sort of crime takes place underwater?

I don't know. Cod napping?

What's out there that's so interesting? Oh, nothing.

Well, just the ropers looking at the sold sign.

Sold? I didn't know it was sold.

Well, it isn't. But we really don't want his pipe living next door, do we?

What type is he, Daddy?

He's half man, half fish.

What are you looking at me like that for?

David, go outside and play. Mommy wants to talk to Daddy. Are you going to have

a fight?

Just a tiny one. Now, Ann... Out!

Out!

Ann, please.

What I meant... What's the point if it's so...

Soaking in it naked.

Please, Helen, I just had breakfast.

You don't care anything about this house, do you?

It's not true. I like it. I always liked it. In fact, I would buy it right now

if it wasn't sold.

I mean it.

No,

no, no. I cannot accept that. I am not a snob. You ask anyone.

Anyone who matters.

You are, too.

Jeffrey P. Brooks III.

Your father's name is Al.

Al is short for Jeffrey.

Anyway, if that man moves in here, we're going to be knee -deep in cock

feathers.

You mark my words, the bottom will drop out of property values for miles around.

Oh, you're exaggerating. No, no, far from it. Now, as president of the

Royaldale... Homeowners Association, it is my duty to keep undesirables out of

the community. Now, face it, Ann, the Ropers, they're not, they're not,

not, they're not like us.

They seem like a nice couple to me.

Well, I'm sure they are.

Except for him.

And her.

She's apparently had children by every man she's met.

If I get whiplash, I'm going to sue you for everything you've got, Keith.

Are you going to offer me some candy?

What?

Oh. Only I won't take it, because my daddy said I shouldn't take candy from

strange men.

Oh, right, right.

Should I tell him you offered me some?

No.

Don't offer him any candy. It's a trap.

Have you got any little girls or boys?

No, dear.

Not yet.

Not yet?

David! David!

Oh, hello.

Hello. I live next door.

And this is my little horror.

And this is mine.

I didn't give him any candy.

No? Well, it's not compulsory.

You know, we were almost neighbors.

Yes, I know.

Have you come very far?

Oh, no, no. It's just a 20 -minute drive.

But it took an hour and a half in our car.

An hour and a half.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

We'd love it. Good, come on. Come on, Stanley.

Splosh. We have company.

It's Mr.

and Mrs. Roper.

I think you know my husband.

Oh, sure.

Oh, yes.

Yes, indeed.

Well, here you are again.

Here.

In my own home.

Nice.

Please sit down. Oh, thank you.

David, why don't you go get yourself some milk? Okay.

Oh, what a lovely room.

Such warmth.

It just seems to say, welcome.

Shut up, room.

Darling little boy.

Thank you. I understand you have some children.

Oh, no, no.

I thought you said that you... Oh, no, no, no. We tried and tried.

and tried again.

Right.

I didn't try a fourth time, but Stanley had a headache.

Well, still, you have a full life with lots of wild... lots of parties.

Lots of parties, huh?

We've had two parties in the last 20 years.

Stanley called the police to break up the last one.

like they were going to stay after 10 o 'clock.

So when does your husband do his boom -diddy -boom -diddy?

We don't do much of that.

Well, maybe I was exaggerating, but that was when I didn't like this place. I

love it now.

I would buy this place in a minute if it wasn't sold. Yes, yes, that's too bad.

It hasn't been sold.

Who said it had been?

There's a sign out front, a beautiful sign that says so.

Really? Well, I can't imagine good grief, so there is. You can't rely

on help these days.

Jeffrey.

it was sold we can't afford it oh yes we can of course you'll have to get a job

We have to see a place before we move in. It's not going to fly away, you

Oh, stop complaining, Stanley. We have to measure things, don't we?

And, hey, be careful. There's some broken glass in front of the car.

I see it. Just get in the car. Don't bother the driver.

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

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