Original subtitles

Diane, what is your problem? That was a great house.

Three bedrooms, two baths, and a large backyard.

Van, it was a colonial. I want an English cottage. I was very specific.

I want a Tudor house with an English garden, three gables, a pond with a

wheel, and a turret where I can stand and brush my beautiful long blonde hair.

An English cottage in Houston? Why don't we just look for an igloo?

that we provide shelter and love for our children, the one that we raise them

in, it will be perfect. And by perfect, I mean a Tudor house with an English

garden, three gables, and a turret.

Now maybe, just maybe, you're not looking hard enough. Oh, Cheyenne, who

Who am I? Look at my business card. I am Van Montgomery. I am great at

real estate.

I will find a house.

For you and your spouse.

I would have written more, but I ran out of space.

Now, if there's a house like that in Houston, I would have already found it.

Van? Cheyenne?

I have found you the perfect towel.

Is it an English cottage?

Oh, it's so English, it hates France.

There's no way, Mrs. H. I've looked at every house in the area in our price

range. Well, it's a little higher than your price range, but it's been on the

market for a long time, and I think we can talk the owner down on the price.

I've got you an appointment at 2 o 'clock to look at it. Now, Mrs. H.,

this sales pitch might work on less sophisticated buyers, but I assure you,

are not that easily conned.

It has a turret.

2 o 'clock, you say? Jolly good.

We'll be right

back.

I'm going to go check out a house for Van and Cheyenne.

Want to go with us?

I can't.

I'm going go -karting with Jack and Kendall.

And Kendall's going to superglue Jack's butt to the go -kart seat.

Kara, how about you?

Uh -uh. Who do you think is giving the superglue to Kendall?

Guess what we're doing?

Fixing to get Brock beat up?

are going on a divorce date.

Oh, wow. Sounds romantic.

Look, you guys like dating.

Why are you getting a divorce?

Oh, no, no, no. It's a date about the divorce.

We're going to start talking through some of the details.

I get that, all right. Why the costumes?

Reba, I'm a celebrity, so my man has to appear interesting in some way.

We've got to dress up for my viewing public.

Wow, what's the chances you'll bump into all three of them?

I don't expect you to understand, but because I am an important figure, we

to be aware of our appearance in public at all times. Our?

I thought you two weren't two anymore.

Yes, but that's off the record.

Yeah, Barbara Jean doesn't want her public to know that we're separated

because... People want their weather from someone in a stable relationship.

We better get going, Brock.

Hey, Brock, wait a minute.

I know why Lou Screw is doing this, but why are you doing this?

Ah, what's the harm?

I got a full -length mirror in my bathroom where you can see the harm.

Okay, look.

Barbara Jean always complained that I wasn't supportive of her career, so I

her to know that I am.

Well, that's very noble of you.

I don't mean to be mean, but isn't that kind of like closing the barn door after

the cows run away?

Maybe. But maybe I want the cow to know that I miss it.

Boy, that is a really terrible metaphor when you're talking about your wife.

Mom,

this is beautiful.

As you can see, the house has beautiful hardwood floors.

Laminate. Handcrafted. Veneer. Solid oak.

Maybe. Maybe not.

The kitchen has brand new appliances and granite countertops.

Upstairs has been converted to a game room. Game what? A game room complete

a pool table, air hockey table, and a flat screen TV that the owner says

throw in at the same price.

for Mrs. Pac -Man.

Excuse me, I have to speak with my wife for a moment, please.

Cheyenne? Yeah?

I love this house. I know, me too, Ben. Let's make an offer. Okay, but wait. She

represents the seller, okay? So we have to play it cool. Okay.

We'll take it. We'll pay anything she wants.

What are you doing?

That's not the way you negotiate. Now watch and learn.

We might be interested, but we got a lot of other options.

So we are in no rush to buy.

I don't know.

Well, would you like for me to talk to the owner and see if she'll come down on

the price?

Whatever you want. I can take it or leave it. It's nothing, you know.

Oh,

there's the owner now. I'm going to meet her and get this thing started. Take

your time.

Oh, man.

I hope this works out. Could you imagine our own house?

It is us.

That's a picture of our senior class.

Hey, that's a picture of Bridget.

Bridget O 'Hara?

What's she doing on my mantle?

Guys, this is Bridget. Bridget, this is Cheyenne.

Bridget!

You two know each other? Well, of course.

Cheyenne Van and I were all friends in high school.

Well, what a small world.

How come I've never met her?

Well, because why would I bring her around?

Cheyenne, look at you.

You are even bigger and stronger than you were in high school.

Cheyenne, isn't it unfair?

Guys just get better looking with age, and we girls, I mean.

Look how I've fallen apart, really.

I don't see anything falling, but I do see parts.

Oh, Vince, stop it.

Oh, yeah, Vince, stop it.

So, you guys are old friends.

That's so nice.

And usually old friends say nice things to each other, especially when you're

trying to buy a house from them. Right, Cheyenne?

Right. You know, Bridge, you do look better than you did in high school.

You're not as pear -shaped.

Well, that must be because I am now a fitness instructor.

Yeah, I specialize in derrieres. I'm a derrierist.

fitness instructor, huh? What happened? Couldn't get into law school?

Oh, you know me, Cheyenne.

I was always the pretty one, and you were always the smart one. I was not the

smart one.

Okay.

That's all very interesting, but we should really start talking about the

now. Oh, Cheyenne, you know what I just thought of that's so funny?

Remember when I asked Van to the Sadie Hawkins dance right before you did?

You know, Bridget, I think that's water under the bridge. Yes, yes, it is,

Bridget. You know why?

Because... I got the guy.

Yeah, we've been married for five years, and I'm pregnant with our second child.

You're pregnant?

Mm -hmm. Oh, that explains it.

Okay. All right.

Okay. The important thing is we're here to buy a house.

Take a seat. Thank you.

And I think it's about time for us to discuss the price.

So, Bridget, the house has been on the market for quite a long time now, so we

were thinking you might want to come down on the price just a little bit.

hang on a second. Cheyenne.

Do you really want this house?

Yes, Bridget, I really do.

Well, that's good, because you're not going to have it. What?

Why are you doing this? Because you made my life miserable in high school.

The things you wrote about me in the bathroom?

Bridget's missing a digit?

What does that even mean?

I don't know, but it was pretty funny in high school.

You know what's funny now?

You're not going to get this house.

I just got off the phone with Bridget, and she's at least willing to come over

here and talk.

Now, if you want her to reconsider, I suggest that you be nice to her. Oh,

please. Cheyenne, you've got to let this high school stuff go.

We're talking about your home here, not who should have been homecoming queen.

Me? I was wrong!

That must be Bridget.

Her doorbells never sounded so slutty.

Mrs. H, no offense, but you kind of botched that back there, so let me

Bridget, okay? You talk like a babbling idiot when she's around. That was an

act. I am completely in control.

Oh, right.

Hello, B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B

-B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B

-B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B -B

-B -B -B -B -B

-B

You first, Mrs. H. I meant you. Right.

So, Bridget, being a professional real estate agent, I know that emotions can

run high when you're buying or selling a house. So, I just want to apologize.

I want to apologize.

I suppose we all got a little emotional.

Going through this divorce has forced me to take a hard look at myself.

And for the most part, I really do like what I see.

And I will be happy to reconsider once Cheyenne apologizes.

What? Yeah.

She's sorry. She's terribly sorry. You know what? Why don't you two hug and

up?

heard the apology Cheyenne the only other turret in town is at the miniature

golf course Bridget I

said some pretty mean things to you in high school and in the yearbooks

and the occasional bathroom um and for that I'm I'm truly truly sorry

I hope you can forgive me

I am truly, truly sorry that I asked Van to the dance.

Although it is kind of a funny story.

What? Oh, come on, Van. We could all use a little laugh.

Why? What happened?

Well, I asked Van because he asked me to.

He didn't want to go with you.

He couldn't stand you. Isn't that funny?

How do we start this?

I don't know. I guess the first thing is, are you sure that you're comfortable

doing this without any lawyers?

I guess.

I mean, Reba had a lawyer, and you still screwed her in the divorce.

I did not.

Frankly, the lawyers were a big part of the problem. I mean, you know, they make

their money when they get both parties into some big fight.

Well, I don't want that.

No, me neither.

So I guess we just have to be honest with each other.

I agree.

Okay. All right. Well, I'll go first. Okay. All right.

I am being completely honest when I say that I feel ridiculous

wearing this tie. So if it's okay with you, I'm going to take it off. Oh, no,

no, no, no, no, no. Leave the tie on. You look great.

Well, thank you, honey. But seriously, Barbara Jean, don't you think I'm a bit

overdressed for a restaurant that serves burn -your -butt chili?

Well, I think you're not overdressed to be seen in public as Stormy

Clearweather's husband.

Okay, look, being completely honest here, just two tiny, tiny

little things. One, you're not Stormy Clearweather, and two, we are here

you don't want me to be your husband anymore.

Okay, well, here are two tiny little honest things from me.

One...

Can we just do what I want and not what you want and just leave the tie on?

Sorry, Stormy.

The tie is coming off.

Okay, I'm warning you.

If you take that tie off, you are going to be in big trouble. Really? Yeah, big

trouble. Oh. Do not test me. Here it goes. Do not undo that tie. What are you

going to do?

Oh, God, I'm so turned on.

What

do

you mean you couldn't stand me? I didn't say that. She did. Well, is

it true?

We're losing sight of what today's meeting is all about. I mean, what did

do, Van? Did you just, you know, go up to her and say, I hate Cheyenne, ask me

to the dance? Of course not.

No, he wrote me a poem. A poem? A poem!

It was a note. Luckily, it rhymed. Oh, I think I'd like to hear that poem.

Nobody remembers that.

Please take me to the dance. I promise to wear long pants.

I'll do anything I can not to go with Cheyenne.

You jerk!

That's it. You know what, Bridget? We don't want your house. What?

That's right.

No house is worth standing here listening to some derrierist torture my

daughter.

Oh, you are making a big mistake. You better leave quick or I'm going to get a

stick. Well, bye.

Have you gone mad?

I mean, if you were going to kick her out, you could have at least done it

before I apologized.

Yes.

Okay, maybe things just got a little out of control, okay?

Oh, that sounds so close to an apology, but not quite there yet. Bye -bye. Okay,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry.

I was just trying to get back at you, Cheyenne.

Look, I really need to sell this house.

Do you still want to buy it? Maybe.

For 20 off of this price.

What? In this market, that's all it's worth. Take it or leave it.

Okay.

Deal.

You know what?

Shahan, you should go hug Bridget. You know, we should all go hug.

I'll come over later this afternoon. We can hammer out the deal. Thank you.

Thank you.

Bye -bye. Bye.

This is H.

Underneath that pile of red hair and emotional rage is a genius.

How did you know she was going to come back? Oh, then you just have to learn

to read, people.

Like you right now.

I know you're hungry.

I am hungry.

You're a genius.

I'm so hungry.

Very impressive, Mom.

Thanks.

You had no idea she was going to cave, did you? No.

I just lost my temper and it all fell into place. Oh, I'm so glad you did.

Oh, honey, I just wish we could go back and get you that homecoming queen.

I was wrong!

Wow.

That was different.

I know.

That was amazing.

That was even better than the parking lot. Yeah.

Well, it's getting kind of late.

Or should I say early?

We better get some shut -eye. You're right.

Good night, hon. Goodbye.

What?

Well, you didn't think you were going to stay the night, did you? Brock, we're

getting divorced.

What kind of girl do you think I am?

What, you're saying I just had a one -night stand with my wife?

Not necessarily.

I was thinking of having you over tomorrow night.

So I don't have to sit and cuddle.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

At least I can take off the stupid tie now. Do not undo the tie.

Oh, I'm undoing the tie. Oh, no, you don't. Oh, yes, I do. Oh, no, you don't.

not. Don't. It's coming off. It's coming off. It's coming off.

I'm not putting back on the tie.

Oh, God.