Original subtitles

Oh, baby, those are beautiful.

It's not even our anniversary. Thank you. Oh, but Cheyenne.

Don't ruin this perfect moment by speaking.

Still think we'd make a great team.

Baby, we are a great team.

Sincerely, Steve.

Steve?

your dresser sending you flowers again?

No.

Steve Norris, Norris Realty, the guy who offered me the job, well, he's still

pursuing me. Flowers, football tickets, steaks from Kansas City. Oh, man.

You know they want you when they send meat in the mail.

Wait, but I thought that you turned down that job. I did, but he keeps calling

me. He's called me every day this week, and I told him, I don't want the

luxurious company car or their huge increase in pay.

How huge? How luxurious?

Oh.

Enormous. And plush.

The car has heated seats, so when you sit down, it feels like someone's

been sitting there.

That combines two of your favorite things, driving and a warm butt.

You must take this job.

You don't think I know that? Of course I do. But how are we going to tell your

mother?

I mean, she gave you her blessing once. I'm sure she'll give it to you again.

No, but I swore my loyalty to her. And once you do that, you're in for life.

Van, look, just talk to her.

Quit hiding me, woman.

I know I have to talk to her, but listen, she has to be in a perfect mood.

So I thought about this. I'm going to do it after six, after she's had her first

tumbler of bourbon.

Hey, gang, what's up? Hey, hey, everything's good. How you doing? What's

on? Mom, Van has something that he wants to talk to you about. Not now, not now.

What is it, man?

What?

Mom,

Steve Norris has been calling Van again.

What? And they made him a really, really good offer.

think that he should take it?

Oh, hey, Mrs.

H, can I get you a tumbler of bourbon?

Ben, is this an offer you really want to take?

Yes,

he does.

We both do.

Well, I hate to lose you.

We've really had some great times working together, but if this is what

want, you have my blessings.

Really? You're going to be okay?

Yeah, absolutely.

I was fine before I hired you. I'm sure I'll be fine now.

Well, okay.

Okay, we're not partners anymore.

No more girl talk in the carpool lane.

I don't know. I guess it's a

little harder than I thought it was going to be.

You're still going to be living.

You think he's annoying, you ought to meet his wife.

He is so frustrating.

You know, sometimes I think you tricked me into marrying that man.

That would be weird, wouldn't it?

It's just, you know how I've always been interested in broadcast journalism?

Yep. Well, there's this great opportunity for me at a local cable

Channel 34, and Brock doesn't even want me to apply.

Then go for it.

Really? Absolutely.

And literally, I mean, go. Now.

Oh, Ribba, you are so nice.

I'm so lucky.

Can you imagine if Brock had been married to somebody I hated? Oh, I know.

Good morning, Mrs. H. Hey, Van. How are you? Excited for your first day of the

new job?

Yep. I slept in my outfit.

Can you tell?

No. Okay.

Hey, where's our client list?

Out in the garage. Why? Oh, I'm just going to call everyone and let them know

that I'm switching agencies.

So is it in your desk?

Why would you want to call them?

You know what? You're right. You call them. Just let everyone know that my new

website is www .VanGotAnotherJobAndIsWorkingForAnotherAgency

Van, I'm not going to call my clients and tell them to call another agency.

Well, then just call my half.

They're all my clients, you moron.

You know what, Mrs. H? That's not fair. I worked really hard to get those

people. That folder got fat because of my closer stare.

And as your former boss,

I thank you for that. But I'm keeping my clients.

You know what? I take back.

My tearful goodbye, and I give you a sigh of disappointment.

Oh!

And brush your teeth.

Oh, good. You're all here. I want to show you my audition tape.

Reba, Barbara Jean tells me this was your idea.

Well, mostly I did it just to get her out of my kitchen. But if she wants to

something productive with her life, I think she should, and I think you should

support her.

Okay, okay.

Hi,

everyone. I'm your new meteorological mink, Stormy Clearweather.

Oh, dear.

Barbara Jean, I thought you wanted to go into broadcast journalism.

Right. As the weather girl.

These days, with global warming, we are the story.

This is going to be so good. Do I have time to call my friends? No.

Barbara Jean, do you even know anything about the weather?

Oh, yes.

I have a special way of knowing when it's going to rain.

When I was nine, my mom gave me this bedazzler and...

festooned all the back pockets of my blue jeans with these beautiful metal

studs. And I would wear them every day until the big lightning storm of 82.

And ever since then, every time it's going to rain, I get a tingling

in this area here.

You were struck by lightning.

There's the missing piece of the puzzle.

You guys have got to see the rest of this.

breaking into your mom's office to steal her client list makes me nervous.

Every week when we watch that show with Kiefer Sutherland, you're like, man,

Jack Bauer's so cool. I want to be Jack Bauer so bad. You are so not Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer only has to worry about terrorists.

If he were up against your mother, he would have to pee, too.

Please, Van.

You would not believe the stuff that I pulled on Mom.

Okay?

Like, faking her signature on my report card.

Really? You were never afraid of your mother?

No.

Wait, see these earrings?

Hers.

Yeah, I liked them, so she was sleeping on the couch one night, and I just stole

them right off of her.

You know, we are never going to find this list in the dark.

Oh, thanks.

that we're doing this is because you treated Van unfairly. What exactly did I

that was unfair?

Free room and board?

Complimentary laundry service? The job I gave him? No, no, those are all good

things.

Mom, that client list is just as much Van's as it is yours.

Porpoise poop.

Do you still believe that?

Yes. Then why wouldn't you want your family to be represented by the best

possible realtor?

What are you saying? That you're the better realtor?

You really believe that?

Well, Steve Norris seems to think so. That's why they gave him the company

It's plush, and I've got a warm tushy.

I don't care if they gave you a Winnebago. I'm the better realtor.

Afraid not.

I've just come up with a solution to this little problem, but it won't be

You interested?

Interested like a fuck.

First one to sell a house gets the lift.

What's so hard about that?

Not just any house, man. The Jablonski house.

The Jablonski house?

Yeah.

What's the big deal about the Jablonski house?

Some say it can't be sold.

And I'm one of those some.

So, Van, you in or out?

Oh, I'm in.

I'm in like Jack Bauer.

With a small bladder. Excuse me.

Okay, so here's the living room. It has two baths and a

kitchen. I think you've seen enough. So why don't we just go out to the car and

talk deal? Oh.

Um, okay, well, the house seems pretty good, but this is the fastest tour that

I've ever been on. Well, it's my philosophy that a house fills itself in

first three minutes, so why stick around?

Let's jog to the car. Come on. Can I see the bathroom? No, no, no, we gotta

leave.

Sure, today you're on time.

positive side if you like those little bags of peanuts and little bottle of

whiskey. It's right around the corner.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Crap.

Whoa, what's the matter, Mr. H?

Clients seem to be in a hurry. Oh, yeah.

Must have had a plane to catch.

Laugh it up, funny boy. I'll find me a client to sell this house to. Well, it

better be quick because I think I found someone who's interested.

Mr. McGuire. This is Mrs. H.

Hi. Mr.

McGuire is looking for a house for his father.

So what do you think?

Seems all right.

Needs a little work, but I think my dad's really going to like it. Oh, yeah?

Just wait.

What do you think you'll say about it now?

I don't know.

Dad. Dad. Dad.

What do you think?

Do you want to live here?

He said that... I know what he said. I ain't blind.

Why don't you guys take a look at the backyard?

It's got a beautiful tomato garden. They're huge because of the jet fuel.

Oh, looks like I win.

Lift, please.

You know what, Ben? I think this whole contest was ridiculous.

Just because you got lucky enough to find a client who is deaf doesn't mean

you're better than me.

Wow.

I never thought I'd see the day that Mrs. H is jealous of me.

I'm not jealous.

If you're not jealous, why are you acting so crazy about this client list?

Because I'm scared.

Scared of what?

Sam, when I brought you on board, I thought I had to carry your weight.

Turned out that you're great.

I actually started relying on you, and it scares me to lose you.

You know what, Mrs. H? You take the list. No.

No, and I want you to have it.

I'm young and vibrant, and you're...

Take the list.

No, you take it.

You got this brand new job and I want you to hit the ground running. Then

split it.

That way you'll only be half scared.

I'll take the other half.

And you know what?

I'm scared too.

Oh, Van, you don't have to be scared. You can do it.

Well, if I can do it, it's because you taught me everything I know.

You're really something, Van.

Yeah.

No, I mean it.

You know, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time, but

thought I couldn't tell you because I'd cry.

You will remember these words for the rest of your life.

Well, all I can say is, right back at ya.

I hope you remember this little talk.

Don't look at me.

Okay, Henry, well, I've explained to you how all the pieces move. Now, the other

thing about chess is that sometimes a game can take a long time. Are you okay

with that?

Okay. Okay, great. You want to go first?

Yeah. Go.

No, no, no, you don't, you don't.

Hey, you win.

Okay.

Hey, honey, where you been?

I went for a drive.

I heard back from the station about my tape.

Oh.

Hey, buddy, here. Why don't you take these guys upstairs and play army, okay?

Hey, sweetie.

Look, I know I haven't exactly seemed supportive about this thing or phase

you're going through.

Brock, this is not a phase.

Speaking Klingon was a phase.

Pronouncing my name Barbara Jean, that was a phase. This is a dream that I

What? To stand in front of a camera and dump water on yourself?

It's not going to rain every day, Brock.

Why are you so threatened by this? I am not threatened.

Yes, you are.

It's like ever since I lost the weight, you want to keep me bottled up here at

the house. I'm just worried about you.

What? Honey, I'm trying to protect you. Come on. That tape was a little over the

top. I mean, nobody's going to take you seriously.

Oh.

Well, then.

I guess I better go call them and tell them that they made a mistake.

What? Oh, I got the job.

You got the job? Oh, shh.

This just in.

Looks like you're going to have to put an extra blanket on the bed tonight.

There's a cold front coming through.

Oh,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, and my butt -rometer said it's going to linger.