Original subtitles

Okay, say the thing again. Reba, we got it, okay? We know what to do.

Say the thing.

Our family is happy. We have no problems.

Things are terrific.

Thank you.

You know, I don't know why you're so tense about talking to this counselor.

I mean, five years ago, you were the one telling us we should tell him

everything.

Five years ago, we got sent to anger management by the court.

We're supposed to be part of an attempt to save our marriage.

Nice work, Brock.

Mom, remember, this is our last court -ordered visit. Be nice.

Sorry, you're right.

Okay, all we have to do is get this form signed, and we never have to come back

again. So, we have no problems? Everybody's happy? Oh, wait a minute.

Where's Barbara Jean?

I didn't tell her.

They're trying to get out of therapy, not get sent to the loony bin.

Yeah, I cannot believe that you wore that shirt after I told you not to.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe I wore this shirt because you told me not to.

What do you care what I wear?

Because you're my husband, Van, and if you look like a cowboy goober, it

reflects badly on me. Oh, it's all about you, isn't it, Cheyenne? Thanks a lot.

Now I want goober.

Knock it off.

I'm going to make you say the thing again.

I'm a grown man, Cheyenne. I'll wear what I want. Oh, grown man, Van, but

still wearing Spider -Man underwear.

Oh, yeah? Well, your underwear says Friday on it, and it's Wednesday.

Is there a problem out here?

The only problem we have is trying to figure out who loves who the most.

I think it's me.

All right, then. Van Montgomery.

You come in, please? Sure.

Okay, before you go in, say the thing again. Say it one more time for me. Come

on. No.

I've had enough people tell me what to do today, thank you.

Have fun, Irving Cowfreak.

Hey, wait a minute.

I gave him that shirt.

Really,

Van, you don't have to lie on the couch.

My dogs are tired.

You know what this couch needs?

A cup holder.

Okay, sit up now.

So how would you say you and your wife are getting along these days?

You mean Cheyenne.

Fine.

I guess fine for being a married couple.

I mean, everyone has their problems.

It's not like we fight on a daily basis. Some days I don't even see her.

Come on, Doc, you're married. Give me some sugar.

So there are problems.

Well, yes.

It's just that she's so critical and vain.

Hi, I'm Cheyenne. I'm your queen.

Fine, play your silly little game. Just help me out to the car. Yeah, but I'm in

the middle of a game. I said help me out to the car.

Well, the apartment was just so boring before. It didn't make a statement of

you are, and now it does.

Oh, it sure does, but unfortunately that statement is, I'm Cheyenne.

life hello tramp oh she's hot

i'm hot too hey cheyenne what you doing

making a list of insulting names to call van when he gets back from shaving his

head if you have any interest in kissing me tonight you will not eat those i

want you to stop vomiting if i could control it i'd do it on you right now.

My body cannot possibly stretch anymore. My ankles are fat. My back hurts. Van,

will you please stop breathing down my neck?

Here's my book.

I married a hot jerk.

Did you pray that I wouldn't slap you?

Why would we pray that?

Shut up, Van. Shut up, Van. Shut up, Van.

Van, are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine. I just feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted.

What did you and your stupid shirt say?

You see that, Doc?

See how she talks to Van? It makes Van sad.

Okay, Cheyenne, do you want to be next? Oh, you bet I do.

Wait a minute. Why don't I go in and kind of explain what everybody's going

say first?

Oh, you'll get your chance. Yeah, you'll get your chance.

You want to know how smart she is, Doc? Take a look at her underwear.

I came out wrong.

Okay,

Cheyenne, this isn't about judging you. He's a baby and he's a liar.

What? Oh, yeah. The only reason we fight is because he is so immature.

Wow, didn't even make it to the couch. Oh, yeah.

You should hear some of these stories.

He can be...

Such an idiot.

Honey,

why couldn't you have waited 30 seconds to eat?

Why can't you cook?

Diane!

I'm okay.

That was a close one.

scare someone off with a lightsaber?

I will if I use the force.

What's it gonna be?

Shave it.

Bet you hear this a lot.

My old lady doesn't want me to do it.

But I mean, it's my head.

It should be my decision.

I just hate when she's mad at me.

I don't know. I don't know.

What do you think?

Okay.

Okay, let's do it.

So, Van, what exactly did you say? Nothing.

Just told a few stories. Oh, Lord, Reba, the kid's been telling stories.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, best husband ever.

Oh, Lord, Reba, we are doomed.

They're going to want to put us all on medication, and you can't drink when

you're on medication.

Okay, just calm down.

So the kids are crazy. It just makes it that much more important that the adults

don't act like they're nuts.

That's like not inviting a chimp to a banana factory.

Maybe I will look good in a straitjacket.

What

are

you doing here?

Well, the therapist called me and asked me to join you. He said that my

perspective was important.

The therapist is an idiot.

And you should avoid therapists at all costs because they have the power to put

you away.

If you bothered to watch Dr.

Phil Reba, you would realize that they're here to help.

A half hour in an office or a TV studio can fix anyone's life.

Okay, who is next? Oh, I am, I am. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Is there a

problem? Problem?

No problem at all. Go ahead, Barbara Jean. Okay.

She's a drinker.

Ooh, University of Texas.

Hey, my father went there.

My father.

Oh, boy, it's all starting to come up.

Actually,

Mrs. Hart.

I can schedule you for a separate appointment for that, but for right now,

here to talk about your marriage and your relationship with Reba. I

Yes, I am here to talk about Reba.

So, Reba.

Oh, boy, it's all starting to come up.

Can I give you a hug? Not if I was choking on a piece of sausage.

Give me a boost.

If I was your boss, we'd be sleeping together by now.

Wait, but try not to think of it as you not being in the contest.

Think of it as me saving you from making a fool of yourself.

Do you have a full -length mirror in your house?

Ding dong!

Yes, you are.

What would you have said if I would have said knock -knock? I would have said

you're a ding -dong.

And maybe my clever little comments when you're around are immature, but that's

how I've dealt with this.

This hasn't been easy for me, Barbara Jean.

Well, I am very sorry to hear that, Reba. Okay.

Because as you can imagine, it has just been a freaking picnic.

for me!

You think your clever little comments are tough for me

to handle?

I'm the other woman, Reba.

I'm the whore of Babylon!

Reba, would you mind coming in?

Where's Barbara Jean?

She used the privacy exit. I sent her to a colleague.

That Barbara Jean, don't you just love her?

She can't help herself.

I mean, she's always told those tall tales.

I think it's because she's so tall.

It sounded pretty realistic to me.

I'm only crazy because she made me that way. You have no idea what she's really

like.

Break it down, Mary!

No sign of Curie yet.

I'm going back in.

Brock and I are having another baby.

But Brock had a vasectomy. He's getting it reversed.

How'd you talk him into that?

He doesn't know yet.

You're completely crazy.

What she's trying to say is she has a problem because she is attracted to you.

Oh, you do smell good.

Okay,

no, I see. Barbara Jean, I know you love Brock.

Oh, I do.

I really, I really do. I'm evil, that's all.

No, you're going through something called transference. That's when

your situation becomes attracted to their therapist.

Even some of the nerdy doctors get it.

So I'm not bad?

You don't want to punish me?

Trust me. No, no, you're a good person. But since you're still flirting with me,

I should probably refer you and Brock to somebody else. So I'll tell Brock that

it's because I've taken on too much.

Doctor, you are a wonderful, wonderful man.

Amazing grace.

She took my gum.

It's me.

Wait, let's be perfectly clear.

The color is stunning.

It's everything else that's freaky. Oh, now, Rebo. No problem.

Oh, the freaky thing she's done. This is the freakiest.

Well, I just wanted to try something different. It's my hair.

The only thing different is you're underneath it.

Hey, you know what? I don't think it's really all...

anywhere near my house or my kids. She's banned.

Oh, you can't be serious.

I can't trust her judgment anymore.

Who knows what else she's going to do?

Worse than banned. She's banished.

Hey, do you think now that I'm a redhead, I'm going to get all fiery and

-tempered, too? All right,

listen up.

Where is everyone?

Oh, Van and Cheyenne were arguing. so I made them wait out in the parking lot. I

guess they kept arguing because the police made them go home.

I don't know what the heck happened to Barbara Jean. Oh, the doctor referred

to someone who could give her the proper treatment.

So if the lights start to dim, we know what's happening.

Okay, I think I have enough information to make my recommendation.

Whoa, whoa, wait.

Don't I get to talk?

I don't think that's necessary. Not after talking to your wife and ex -wife.

No, no, no. That's not fair. Come on. You try being married to the frying pan

and then to the fire.

Oh, save it, Brock.

You can talk about it at what I'm sure will be our weekly sessions.

It was my fault for trying to get the family to act normal.

Actually, this is normal.

What are you, nuts?

Normal families get into arguments. They don't always get along.

But you've managed to stick together and talk it out.

That's a functioning family.

So we're done?

Yeah, let me just go sign your form, and you'll be off the hook for good.

Huh, great.

Wow. It's great, huh? Really great.

So what exactly were you going to talk to him about the frying pan?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nothing, nothing, okay? Wow.

It's just that, you know, you have this little tendency to get violent with

people.

Let's not leave it like this. Come here.

Uh -uh.

quit making up stories brock well you know

the lucky ones.

Well, who knows? I mean, you did luck out with my carrot.

So, you don't mind if I take this and run with it? No, I don't, Barbara Jean.

Reba, I just wanted to tell you, you're one of my favorite friends.

Anyway, gotta run.

He's not even Chinese. He just likes messing with me.

That's what I will say right now.

Fan, you're six foot four with a baby.