Original subtitles

Good morning, Mrs. H. Ready to go to the office? The office didn't even open

yet, Van.

The early bird gets the worm, Mrs. H. That's why I like to go to the office to

watch that.

Sometimes the worm breaks in half. It's so gross.

But it's really cool.

Hey, honey, can I have some money before you go?

For what?

Well, I just have to get a few things.

These things?

They wouldn't happen to have high heels, would they?

No. Not all of them. Uh -huh.

So, can I have some money?

Oh, God, it's so hard being generous. Can I just take it all? Sure.

Just make sure you write everything down in your expense journal.

See you at the office, Mrs. H.

Bye, honey.

Expense journal?

Oh, yeah, that's the system that Dan uses to control our money.

He enters all of our expenses in the computer and then prints out these

pie charts that he's supposed to go over.

But usually, when he sees a pie chart, he decides that he wants pie, so he

does.

And you're okay with that?

Yeah, Van loves pie.

Not that. Him controlling all the money.

Mom, Dad controlled the money when you guys were married.

Yes, and having gone through what I just went through with your dad, I can think

of 75 ,000 reasons that was dumb.

Mom, I really don't think Van is like Dad.

There was a time I used to think Dad wasn't like Dad, but surprise!

Look.

I've thought about talking to him, but, you know, money is just one of those

issues in our marriage that's just better left not talked about.

Okay, Cheyenne, listen to me.

Money is not one of the issues in a marriage. It is the issue in a marriage.

is the issue underneath all the other issues.

Honey, a marriage has to have full and honest disclosures. Mom, my marriage has

full and honest disclosures.

Besides, they can always lie on the expense journal.

We'll be

right

back.

The termite company said we can tent the Hillman house on Wednesday.

Great.

Although, you know what has always bugged me about tenting a house, Mrs. H?

What's that?

What if termites love to go camping?

Wouldn't it be ironic if they saw a tent going up and they thought they're on

this really cool camping trip, and the next thing they know, they're dead?

Did you ever wonder about that?

Yeah, Van, I think everybody wonders about that.

So, did you write that down in your expense journal?

What? That decaf latte with a double shot of vanilla.

You do write that down in your expense journal, don't you? Me? No, no, no.

That's just for Cheyenne.

Here's another thing I always wonder about, Mrs. H.

What if lobsters love jacuzzis?

And just before we drop them to a pot of boiling hot water, they think we're the

nicest people in the world.

You know what that would be? That would be ironic.

Get back to Cheyenne for a second.

Don't you worry that your financial system might make Cheyenne feel like a

little less than an equal partner?

What? Why would it?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you don't have to keep an expense journal,

she does, and she has to ask for money.

Well, gee, I hadn't thought about that.

Well, something to think about now.

Well, yeah, I guess maybe it is.

Yeah, you know...

You know, when you're not so busy thinking how ironic it would be if

liked those big blue bug lights that kill them?

Huh? You know, those big blue bug lights that we put outside in the summer?

What if bugs liked them? You know, hey guys, party's over here, and then zap!

I know, you lost me.

Oh, you know, like the lobsters.

We keep big blue bug lights out in the summertime to keep the lobsters away?

No, the thing before with the happy dead termites that can't, you know.

Look, Mrs. H, I don't mind if you have a few beers at lunch, but I wouldn't talk

to anybody else this afternoon if I were you.

Where have you guys been?

Just hanging out.

Jake had detention.

You said you wouldn't tell.

Yeah, Jake, I say a lot of things. Yesterday I told the DMV I weighed 105.

Grow up.

So what'd you do?

He had a soda at school.

They're banned.

I mean, it's the same as if he brought a tomahawk or photographs of buxom women.

So how did you get a soda if they were banned from school?

Kids sell them.

From their backpacks.

Pushers.

On the street, they call them pop daddies.

Thank you, Barbara Jean. I can take it from here.

Sweet Jake.

You used to be such a good boy.

We miss that good boy.

Oh.

No.

Here's what happened.

Your school banned sodas and you had one. That was wrong.

Now, if you've got a problem with the rules, you take it up with your

But you do not break the rules. Now, you get upstairs and think about what I

just said.

Oh, hey, Mrs. H. Good, you're here.

Cheyenne! I thought about what you said about the money thing, and I'm going to

make it right.

Oh, glad I could help.

How was work? Oh, great.

Well, except for one of the realtors got hammered at lunch, but I covered for

her.

Anyway, I have something really important to say to you. Okay, I know

you're going to say, Van, but they were on sale.

You bought shoes.

Good for you.

Okay, well, I put it in the expense journal.

Put it under asthma medication, but it's in there.

Forget the stupid expense journal. Look, I realized today that...

I'm doing things financially that might make you feel that I don't see you as an

equal partner.

Aw, honey, that is so sensitive.

It's hard to go through life that way, but I try to carry it with dignity.

Anyway, I wanted to show you how much I value you as a wife, a mother, and as a

partner. So, I decided to pay you.

What?

Yeah, yeah, I worked out the approximate value of what you do around here, threw

in a little extra because you look so hot doing it, and I came up with a

paycheck.

So here you go.

You figured out my value?

Yeah, you know, stuff like cooking, laundry, daycare, and I didn't include,

know, because that would be illegal.

Why would you think that you could treat me like an employee?

Would you think that the money that we make is yours?

It's a big old joke, Cheyenne.

Van, tell her it's a joke. A big old dumb dangerous joke.

Why would I say that? You're the one who told me to do it. What? You told him to

pay me? No, I didn't say that.

I just told him to think about it. You told Van to think? Are you insane?

What is that?

Is that an insult? Oh.

All right, fine, Cheyenne. I'll answer your question.

Yes. I think the money that I make is mine. And why would I think...

crazy thing like that? Oh, that's right, because when the paychecks come, they

have my name on them.

You know what? I cannot believe that I said that you were sensitive. You're not

sensitive. You're a butt, and as for you, Mom, I can't call you a butt

you're my mom, but if you weren't, I would, except that I won't be talking to

you, so I can't. Oh, and Van, these shoes, they weren't on sale, and I

two.

Then go after her. Tell her you made a mistake. Oh, I made a big mistake, all

right, when I took your advice. That's the last time I listen to you when

drunk.

Oh, are you talking to me this morning?

If you are, I'd sure like a chance to explain what happened.

I've reached a number that I'm not speaking to.

All you had to do was say no.

Cheyenne, I know you're still mad at me, but flushing the toilet when someone's

in the shower isn't just mean, it's dangerous.

So you're still not talking to me?

Mom.

Oh, you're talking to me now?

Actually, I'm just talking to myself out loud.

Cheyenne, if Van tries to talk to you, try and figure out a way to let him know

that you're not talking to him. Okay, Cheyenne, I will.

Van? It's Van.

Nice choice on the wife, you moron.

Reba? It's Reba.

How's it working out living in a nut house?

Jake, what are you doing home?

Aren't you supposed to be on your way to school?

This morning, I was out on the lawn pulling dandelions, nature's beautiful

yellow garbage, when I saw my stepson struggling under the weight

of his enormous backpack.

What the heck is in there? It wasn't that heavy when you left.

Soda. I don't believe this.

It's not what you think.

Sometimes on the way to school, I run into homeless people who really love

Oh, really?

And sometimes they need change for a dollar?

Okay, we don't have time to talk about this now.

We will have a long conversation when you get home from school. Now, get!

Reba, a long conversation is not going to do anything.

But I know what will.

Military school.

Barbara Jean, I don't need help raising my kids.

I've been doing this a long time, and they've all turned out pretty well.

Oh, oh, if someone's talking to me, I can't hear them, especially if they're a

big guy.

Wear your diapers, if it, baby.

So, military school, huh?

Hey, Mr. H. I need some advice.

Advice? You know, man, I always hoped we'd have a relationship like this. You

know, that you'd look at me as a mentor, as a guy that you could come to when...

See you today, Mr. H.

Okay, so what's the problem?

Now, Shannon and I had a big fight about money.

And she's mad at me because I said I think the money I make is mine.

And I need to know how to explain it to her so she'll understand.

Okay, man.

It's time.

I'm going to tell you something now, something that all men get told when the

time is right. It is the deepest secret in the fellowship of the husbands.

It's the bedrock truth upon which all else sits. It is. Today, Mr. H. Meet it

today.

Okay, you ready?

It's not your money. What?

Don't say it, Mr. H, because if you say it, then there's no hope. There is no

hope, buddy. Wake up. Face it. But the checks have my name written on them. The

checks have your name on them?

You're an idiot.

All right, look, I'm sorry for being so direct, but the best way is to absorb it

all at once.

Yeah, you okay?

I'm a little nauseous. Yeah, well, deep breaths, kid.

Deep breaths.

And I once felt like you.

Yeah, back in the day when I also believed whether I was going to play

week was my decision.

But I found out I was living a lie.

You're in a marriage, Van.

There is very little mine and yours in a marriage and a whole lot of ours.

But maybe that can change.

Maybe it's just that no one's ever tried yet, huh?

There isn't a guy walking out of divorce court that didn't once believe he was

the chosen one. No, man.

You have to accept this. Okay, I can accept it. I can accept that the money I

make is also Cheyenne's. I can. But you mean to tell me that I'm not even

allowed to say I think it's mine?

And now comes the hope.

There is a place where you can do that. It's a wonderful place.

Van, I think it's time you learned how to play golf. You're coming with me on

Saturday. We can go golfing. Yeah, buddy.

Hey. Hello, boy. Hey. What's going on? Oh, we're just shooting the breeze. Hey,

listen to this.

Van's coming golfing with me on Saturday. Yeah?

Golf? Yeah.

Oh, I don't think so, honey.

Huh? You know, until we get the situation with the IRS figured out, we

be more careful with our money.

Don't you think?

Yes,

of course.

Look, Mr. A... Just go.

Oh, hey.

If you're talking to me, hello.

If you're not talking to me, hello anyway.

I'm no longer mad at you.

I discussed this with the people at my meeting, and they suggested that I act

with grace and maturity.

What are you doing?

What does it look like she's doing? She's acting with grace and maturity.

You know, Cheyenne, I don't consider myself your boss, but if I did, your

would have a big red sticker on it that said, bad attitude.

You know what, Ben? When we got married, you shouldn't have said I do.

You should have said you're hired.

Oh, look at you. You're talking to each other. I'm going to the golf course.

Okay. Ben, stop.

Cheyenne, stop.

You guys aren't in the mood to talk? Well, I am. So sit down, shut up, and

listen.

She's going to say it's my fault. No, she's going to say it's my fault. Well,

you're both wrong because it's my fault.

Oh, Mrs. H, I don't blame you. You were loaded.

Look, guys, I think this thing between Brock and the IRS has got me a little

nutty in the money area.

Yeah, well, maybe, but it's okay because you've been under a lot of stress.

I'm going to tell you the truth, Cheyenne.

Where there's money, there will always be stress.

Whether you have money or if you don't. It'll always be a large pain in the

rear. That's why couples don't want to talk about it. And that's where the

trouble starts. And that's what I was trying to prevent.

Nice job.

Don't avoid this issue, guys. It will never go away.

think the money i make is mine just because i earn it and the checks have my

name written on them

it's

not why i got mad van i got mad because i don't make any money and every time i

worry about that i tell myself that it's okay because i think of all the other

things that i do for the family exactly and that's what i was trying to show you

with the check well you know what this is gonna sound stupid van but i felt

you devalued everything i do by putting a value on it

No. You are the heart and soul of our family.

Money we can always find, but you give us something that we can't find anyplace

else.

You know what that is?

Cheyennism.

You're just saying that.

No, baby, look. I could give up my job, my stuff, my everything.

It can all be replaced, but there's something that can never be replaced.

You.

Try to never fight about money again.

Deal. Okay.

So, hey.

Yeah? What do you say we go upstairs and you make a little overtime?

You can't afford me.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I'm already afraid God wants you to sit.

Jake, what were you thinking selling those sodas?

Why am I in trouble for being a good businessman?

Do you realize that when I'm a millionaire, this will be the cute story

Larry King?

Watch it, Jake. Being dishonest is not funny.

Yeah, well, neither is being poor.

What do you mean by that?

Forget it. What's my punishment?

I'm not going to forget it. What are you talking about?

All everybody talks about around here lately is how we don't have any money.

Well, I'm trying to do something about that.

So you were doing all that just for the family?

Yes.

Okay, Jake.

Here's your punishment.

You have to listen to what I'm going to say right now and remember it for the

rest of your life.

Couldn't you just whack me?

Listen to me.

Honey, you will have opportunities your whole life to break the rules and to

cheat to get money.

Sweet. Jake.

Now, if you take advantage of these opportunities, even if you get the

you will be poor.

You may have a lot of money, but you will be poor.

Do you understand what I'm saying here?

Yes. Good.

Now, Might have to go tell Barbara Jean what you've been up to, because she's

really upset.

I already did.

Jake!

Delivery time!

I also brought candy, because I think we were leaving a lot of money on the

table by not offering sweets.

Crap!

This is Rosendale.