Original subtitles

Thanks again.

So, Jake, what do you think about the high -definition television?

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Wait till you turn it on.

It's here.

Oh, thank the Lord.

This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Besides you, honey.

Dan, you do not have time to watch TV. Go change your shirt. We're going to be

late for my class.

Cheyenne, I do not want to go to some stupid husband panel. We have a flat

screen, high definition TV.

I finally have something to grow old and get fat in front of.

Dan, it's for my sociology class and I'm getting graded on it.

The grade you own your husband?

Well, they're grading on a curve.

You know what men really want for marriage?

I can't really tell you in front of your mother.

Van, you're going.

All right, fine. You know what men really want for marriage?

A high -definition flat -screen TV!

Reba, I need your help. I am desperate.

Oh, not now. I'm gonna go watch Dr. Phil's big old Charlie Brown -sized head

hide there.

our tax returns?

Yeah, what's the problem?

I've been doing all of our tax returns.

Here, take a look.

Well, right off the bat, I'd tell you to stop doing the I heart the IRS stuff.

It makes you look desperate.

I am desperate.

Oh, Reba, I'm going down.

I'm headed for the big house.

Barbara Jean.

Promise me, Reba, if I get sent to prison, you will do something to get

prison, too. And then we can break out like on that show.

You're going to have to get the layout of the prison tattooed on your body, so

you're going to need to gain some weight. Okay.

Oh, God.

Calm down.

Oh, I love how tough you are.

When we're in prison, I'm still going to be your girlfriend.

Barb Jean. Yeah? They only send you to jail if you lie on these forms.

Not because you put glitter all over it.

I would never knowingly lie.

So if I just made these mistakes because I don't know what I'm doing, I should

be okay, right?

Yes, you should plead dumb.

Trust me, after they talk to you for a little while, they'll let you off.

Heck, they'll probably even pay for your ride home.

All right, Dr.

Phil, polish up that old bald head of yours.

Even if we didn't go to prison, I'd still so be your girlfriend.

Reba,

we're back.

Just like a cold sore.

That's a reoccurring mosquito bite.

The audit went great. You are going to love yours.

What do you mean?

Brock, go.

Oh, yeah, well, it's a funny thing, really. It seems like once they take a

at your returns, they get all excited and they want to go back even further.

How much farther?

Yeah, it's a funny thing, really. Wow, is this new?

Brock. Yeah.

The last three years of our marriage, you and I are being audited.

Wait a minute. We got divorced.

Didn't you get the audits and the settlement?

Reba, you've got nothing to worry about. I'm sure that your returns are in

order. That's right, Reba. As far as you know, everything's fine.

Last time you said everything's fine, I heard Barbara Jean giggling in the

background.

Do you remember that time? That was so... Well, anyway, look.

It's really no big deal.

You remember when Harry, my friend from dental school, set up that charity for

us in the Cayman Islands?

How come I never met Harry?

Oh, you haven't?

Oh, well, we'll have him over for dinner in three to five years anyway.

Turns out that was more of a charity for the people who donated to it than it

was for the poor Caymanians.

So the charity was a scam?

Scam is such an ugly word. No, it was more of an illegal tax shelter. And I

out as soon as I found out, but...

The thing is, I never paid the money back, and I never told you about it

you're so big on the truth and everything.

How much? That's not a lot. Hardly anything.

So sell something and pay it back, like that tanning bed you claim not to have.

It's a rental.

Anyway, I gave the money I saved to a real charity, Reva. I made it as right

I could, but this is the IRS that we're talking about.

You don't tell them that you scam, that you sheltered money from them.

They will crawl into places you didn't even know existed.

He's right, Reba.

He can't go to prison.

Although it would be nice for you to see Harry.

Reba, promise me that you won't say anything. Trust me, you do not want to

up this can of worms.

I'll think about it. Now go home and tan up. I need you looking good for the

audit.

Welcome, everyone, to I Do Is Forever, Marriage from a Man's View.

This seminar is forever, and I wish I had a view of the game.

Thank you,

everyone, for writing all of your questions for our panel.

Now let's meet our happily married men.

This is Van Montgomery, happily married to me, taken.

And that's Herman, and that's Doug, and they're married to other women. Okie

dokie.

First question. First question, why am I here?

This one is for the cute one.

Well, that's got to be me.

Thank you, ladies.

Remember, ladies, these men are married, especially Dan.

All right, the question is, how did you meet your wife?

We met in high school.

Well,

thanks again.

They like me.

Okie dokie.

Next question.

For the hot one.

Me again. Sorry, Doug.

What is your wife's worst trait? Okay, that's a good one. Van?

Ooh, that's a tough question.

I'm going to have to say, I can't tell which of her eyes are prettier.

Aww.

Yeah, if any charming ladies.

But remember, we really do need complete honesty in order for the panel to be

helpful. Okay.

When did the really hot guy know that his wife was the one? Okay, you guys,

is ridiculous. Okay, I'll take over now.

Let me tell you a story how I proposed to my wife.

I rented a hot air balloon.

Hot air balloon.

And as we hovered over the field, I pointed down there.

And carved in the crops were the words, Will you marry me?

And I handed her a glass of champagne with a diamond ring the size of a

cockroach.

And then she fainted.

So I picked her up gently and kissed her softly on the lips.

And when she awoke, she said the words,

I will.

I will.

Oh, my God.

All right, I'm ready. That is enough.

He's a goon and he is a liar.

He didn't propose to me. You want to know how he knew I was the one Maureen?

When he asked me to homecoming and I said, oh, okay, but don't forget to buy

a corsage.

and I looked into her gorgeous left and right eyes.

Next question. Yeah.

How are you getting home?

Ladies.

Hey,

guys. Sorry I'm late.

Here. I took some pictures of other people's children for you to claim as

dependents.

Kid may require some explanation.

Well, you knock it off, Barbara Jean. Everything will be fine as long as Reva

doesn't say anything.

I've thought about it, and I'm not going to lie.

What?

This is the IRS.

You have to lie.

Do you have any idea what they could do to us?

You said it wasn't going to be that much money.

Yeah, well, see, here's the funny thing.

It could be a tad more than I led you to believe.

Do you ever stop lying? Well, it wasn't a lot of... Initially, but what with

penalty and interest, it would be a ton.

How much is a ton? Well, it would put you in a huge hole and Barbara Jean and

might lose the house.

What? Brock,

you never told me we could lose the house.

I can't live under a bridge.

Not again.

Brock, how could you do this? How could you let this get to a point where it

would cost everybody so much?

Only if they find out, if you get on board, none of that's going to happen.

not lying.

It's bad karma. It follows you around. That's why you've had such a lousy life,

Brock.

She's babbling and turning pink. She's going to rat us out?

Will you two stop beating on me? That's their job. Now, look, Reba, just let me

do all the talking, okay? All you have to do is smile and nod.

Well, you are a better liar than I am.

I just wish you were more likable. Okay, everybody just shh.

All right?

The wolves have ears.

Trust no one.

For all you know, I could be wearing a wire.

Well, actually, I am under here, but it's just a lift instead.

Oh, boy, you stop.

Hi,

my name is Asian Miller. Come in.

Smile or not, smile or not.

Hey, Asian Miller.

Hey, I'm just going to go out there and...

She's fine. We're fine.

Good.

I'll be working with Mrs. Hart, and Dr. Hart, you'll be down the hall with Agent

Fung. Fung?

But I thought we were going to do this together. I mean, you didn't separate

Barbara Jean and me.

It's just our policy with divorced couples. They're always so eager to tell

each other.

Plus, when there's nothing to hide, no one minds.

Oh, well, there's certainly nothing to hide.

Right, Reba?

Dr. Hart, will you come with me? Is this going to take long? How long have you

got?

Oh,

fun just kills me.

So, Mrs. Hart, before we get started, I have to tell you that the...

IRS is a lot more lenient if the taxpayer comes forward with any issues

problems. I'm sure there aren't any, but I have to tell you that, okay?

Mm -hmm. Oh.

We've been over everything, and it mostly seems to be in order.

Okay. But there is one tiny area of concern.

Oh? You probably know what I'm talking about.

Cayman. What?

Cayman.

Okay, man, lay it on me.

I'd like to talk to you about 1998.

I was drunk that whole year.

Try to think back.

Did you work for Dr. Hart full -time?

Yeah. According to this, you worked for your husband full -time, and yet he only

paid you minimum wage.

Was there any compensation paid under the table? Oh, no. No, he's just cheap.

Mm -hmm. He looks cheap.

Anyhow, that's the only problem we had.

Great. So, you just sign here, and we send it off for one final review, and

you're done.

Super great.

Miller!

did Fong say?

Oh, just IRS -y stuff.

Oh, before you sign, if there is anything that you knowingly and

omitted and you sign this, the penalties of perjury apply.

Perjury?

Mm -hmm.

So, is there anything you left out? Something you might suddenly remember

you might want to share?

Something your ex -husband may have filled to Fong?

Since those ladies at your seminar love me so much, I should write a book on how

to be the perfect husband.

Ha!

You should write a book. You should call it I'm a Perfect Liar. And I met a girl

and they made up stories about how I met her so I could impress stupid college

girls who are just stupid anyway.

Well, it doesn't leave a whole lot of room in the cover for my picture.

Here's my book.

I married a hot jerk.

Oh, I get it.

You're a little jealous because I got all the attention.

I'm so not jealous.

Oh, please. A perfect husband can read his wife.

Why did you have to lie, man?

Is the truth about our lives really so awful?

Honey, what are you talking about?

I just felt like you had to make up some fantasy about what our life is like

because you're so ashamed of it.

Cheyenne, I made up a fantasy because that's what I wish had happened.

Not because I'm ashamed of it, because you deserve a memory like that.

You deserve to be proposed to in a hot air balloon. Not, what? You're pregnant?

What are we going to do?

Really? Yes.

That's why you lied?

Honey, the only thing I feel bad about our relationship is that I haven't tried

to make it a hundred times better.

Did you really mean that thing about not knowing which one of my eyes is more

beautiful? Because I kind of think that, too.

I meant it all.

Oh,

man,

I really should write a book.

So, uh, how'd it go with Agent Miller?

Fine.

How'd it go with Agent Fung?

Fine, fine.

So, anything you want to tell me, Reba? No.

Anything you want to tell me, Brock?

Tell you?

Uh -huh. Oh, let me think, let me think. Yeah, yeah, there is one thing. You

sang like a bird, didn't you? What?

No, you're the rat. Anything to save your own skin, huh, Brock?

Oh, cut the act, Reba. It was you. You should have seen the look on Fung's face

when he was talking to Miller on the phone.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. Oh, the very interesting.

No, no, no, no, no. Horse feathers.

My gal didn't call your guy. Your guy called my gal, talking about how you

down there spilling your guts. Oh, I didn't say anything, I swear.

I didn't say anything either, I swear. Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

It was a trick.

It was a trick. They were trying to get us to believe the other one was

confessing to try and break us. So neither one of us talked about the

thing? I didn't. I didn't either.

Oh, that means we're okay. We did it. Oh, I always knew I could trust you,

Hello.

Oh, Agent Miller.

Miller time.

We owe the government $75 ,000.

What? What are you talking about?

Back taxes, penalty, and interest!

$75 ,000!

I don't understand.

We didn't tell them anything.

How did they find out?

Hey, it's David Gallagher. You can catch a fresh episode of 7th Heaven this

Monday on WGBH.