Original subtitles

Guess who's here?

Drum roll, please.

Wow, I didn't hear you coming out the driveway.

You would have given me time to hide.

Oh, we don't play it outside.

That would be rude to the neighbors.

Henry, you're a little loud.

Isn't he cute? Make sure he practices, Reba.

Practices? Won't you go practice in the living room, honey?

Barbara Jean, what were you thinking?

Why didn't you just bring him over here with a set of bagpipes?

Reba, drummers get the chicks.

I guess the band took a little break.

I wasn't yelling. I was just trying to be heard over the drum solo.

Well, you're very tough when you're picking on a four -year -old, Reba,

Why don't you try picking on me, all right? I'm not scared of you.

Okay, maybe a little.

Look, he wasn't listening. I was just trying to give him a little discipline.

Yeah, well, you don't get to. He's not your son.

You discipline Jake.

Well, of course I do. Jake is my stepson.

Technically, you're nothing to Henry.

is he here in my house why are you here in my house if i'm nothing to the both

of you why are you always here well we're here because we like you well i'm

sorry okay if you're going to keep coming over here and who are we kidding

are then i need to be able to do something about henry's behavior fine

insist you do what we do in our house we reason with henry

You reason with him? Yes.

I'm guessing he wins most of the time.

It's not about winning and losing.

I mean, if I stuck my fingers in my ears and held my breath, I'd probably win a

lot, too.

Oh, Barbara Jean, I hear that same song and dance from the parent of every kid

that acts like a brat.

Brat? Yeah.

Okay,

so now you're calling Henry names. So you're a yeller and a name caller, but

Henry's the problem.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'll tell you what the problem is. The problem is...

Great. That's

just what your brain needs, less oxygen.

What time is it?

Guy time!

Two men doing men things, getting the primal thing going. So what is on the

agenda today?

Something I guarantee you've never done before.

Dwarf tossing. Is it dwarf tossing? You did not run a dwarf!

I have something a little more dignified in mind, Van. We are going to a day

spa.

Yeah, right.

What are we going to do? Get our nails done?

Yeah. Manicure, pedicure, massage. They call it the gentleman's fancy.

Mr. H, I know this question is a little late in our relationship, but are you

gay?

Men can care about their appearance, too.

You know, and we should be secure enough in our masculinity to spend the day

getting pampered.

Yeah, but Mr. H, I need to do something that can get rid of all the tension and

aggression that builds up during the week. I mean, when I used to play

I would get all my frustrations out.

Then I got married.

I had to bury it down deep. That's why I need to go bowling or toss a dwarf.

Trust me, Van.

The spa experience will change your life.

Huh?

All right. All right.

But they don't mess with your hair, do they? Because Julio would scratch my

out.

Jake, didn't I tell you you can't have your bat in the house?

But what if we're attacked?

What if I tan your head?

Then I can fight you off with my back.

Put it outside.

Ding dong!

Yes, you are.

Clever! What would you have said if I would have said knock knock?

I would have said you're a ding dong.

No drum, huh?

That is correct.

This time, Henry is going to act like a little gentleman.

But just to be sure, I am going to give him a gentle reminder.

Observe the Barbara Jean method of parenting.

Yo, remember Henry, the notorious S .O .C., the first pop of the hip -hop says,

yo, yo, yo, you gotta put your best foot forward.

No is the bad word. That is why Mommy doesn't say it. Okay, so why don't you

just say maybe?

Okay! No! Okay, just run along the floor, all right?

What's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with her, you rude lady.

You're hurting me.

You smell like Brock's feet.

I am making discipline fun.

See, I communicate with Henry using puppets and hip -hop. I call it be good

the hood.

Behave.

You're bananas.

Makes fun, but it works.

See, if he behaves for a day, he gets a blue sticker.

And with seven blue stickers, he can trade it in for a star.

sticker. And with four star stickers, he gets to be the mommy for a day.

Well, my daddy used to swat me with a switch. And if I talked back, I got

upgraded to two more swats.

Well, that explains the temper.

No, Barbara Jean, that explains why when my daddy told me to do something, I did

it. But that is so old school.

But there's a whole new... loving world of parenting out there. No, no. There's

a whole world full of out -of -control kids because their parents don't tell

them no.

Well, Henry is not out of control.

Henry did it!

Tell your puppet to get a br -br -br -br -br -broom.

Okay, boys.

What happened?

I was trying to put my bat outside, and Henry grabbed it from me and swung it at

me. By the way, strike one.

Oh, Henry, why would you do that?

I didn't do it. Oh, Henry.

Reba, I am so sorry. I am going to handle this right now. Thank you.

Okay.

Come here.

Now, Henry, Mommy loves you, and we're still going to go get ice cream.

But if you ever do this again, I'm going to have to take away a blue sticker.

Okay, now you consider this your first lamp warning.

First lamp warning?

He did something bad. He should be punished.

Reba, that is not the way to handle this.

the statistics show that punishment does not work, your way only encourages

violence. Violence?

He just beat my lamb to death with this bat.

And if he ever does it again, he'll get the proper sticker penalty.

Get out.

What? Get out and take Chucky with you.

He is just a child. You cannot blame him for something like this. Oh, I don't

blame him. I blame you.

Bad behavior comes from bad parenting.

Okay, you don't mean that.

I mean that, and I mean this, too. Time to go.

Okay, well, I'm not leaving.

I'll give you till the count of three. One. We need to talk about this. Okay,

I'm not a child. Three.

Okay, you know what? We are out of here. That's the idea.

Jake, have you seen the glue?

Elizabeth broke Mom's picture frame, and she's so mad about the lamp, I know

she's gonna freak.

So tell her Henry broke it.

That's what I did.

What? Yeah.

I broke the lamp. Henry took the fall.

Sweet.

Hey, guys.

Mom, Jake broke the...

to rat me out.

Jake, why would you do that?

Henry never gets punished anyway, so I figured why not blame him?

He gets ice cream, I don't get punished.

It's all good.

No, it's not.

Because you're grounded for a week for breaking the lamp and another week for

lying to me. Two weeks?

I have Josh's birthday party next week.

You shouldn't have lied to me.

It's not fair!

You keep mouthing off at me, young man, you won't see your birthday.

Yeah, and I hate that I have to apologize to Barbara Jean.

What'd you do to Barbara Jean? Oh, I spanked her.

What happened to my picture frame?

Jake broke it.

Hey.

So you did the warm milk bath, huh?

How was that?

Hey, did you know if you pass gas and milk, the bubble takes, like, forever to

reach its surface?

You should try it in a mud bath. I don't even know where it goes.

Oh, I'm really starting to get into this, Mr.

H. Good guide time selection.

Thanks, pal. Hey, you know what?

You can start calling me Brock.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, I guess I could try that.

Brock. Sounds weird.

You'll get used to it. No, I mean, you have a weird name.

Sounds like a parrot.

Brock.

Brock!

See?

I'm so relaxed that it doesn't even bug me. Like a bird that warns of danger.

Brock!

Brock! Yeah, okay, man. Hey, hey, hey.

All right. Come on.

Oh.

Oh.

Van, one night ride, isn't this great?

Oh, you know, I have to admit it.

I have kept my masculinity intact, and my skin is glowing.

I look like a god.

Yeah, and you haven't even had the massage yet.

Okay, I'm Robert. I'll be your masseur.

Thanks for running a little bit late, guys. Make yourselves comfortable. I'll

right in. All right.

Hello? I thought we were going to have women rub us.

No. No, guys are stronger. True.

They're also guys.

Van, trust me. Look, you just admitted that I've been right so far. Besides,

what are you afraid of? That if a guy rubs your back, you'll turn gay?

No.

But what if I like it?

Who's first?

Him? No, no, no, Van. You go. Hank is my guy.

Okay, then.

Any problem, Harry? No, no, I just needed to lie down. Thanks, Rob. Van.

Look, give him the deep tissue shiatsu.

What? Yeah. Hey, hey.

Can we just... Oh!

Oh, there's the spot.

Yeah, you know what? I'm going to have Hank do a little extra on my upper back.

I mean, my shoulders are all knotted up from picking up Henry.

You know, kids are funny.

When I pick up Henry and then I pick up Elizabeth, she feels like a feather.

Yeah, she's just a little bit of a thing, huh? She's cute as a button.

So is Henry, though.

We're lucky to have such great kids.

I can't imagine life without them.

But you know, they're lucky too, Van. They've got two great dads who love

Excuse me.

Are you crying?

No.

Well, you don't have to stop rubbing.

I'm sorry.

I just always get choked up when I hear people talk about their kids.

It's like the one thing in my life I really feel like I'm missing.

Yeah, well, you're young. You've got plenty of time yet.

Oh, I want to adopt.

But Peter worries it'll be too hard for a child to grow up with gay parents.

But look at you two.

Rock.

I mean, I realize people can be hurtful and ignorant, but we have so much love

to offer a child.

Meeting a gay couple, we're so happy.

Like a miracle.

You guys are perfect.

Robert, we're not exactly perfect.

Yes, you are.

You're perfect because you love your children.

That's all anybody needs to do.

God bless you.

Yeah, well, right back at you, Robert.

Oh, and it's so great that you two still find time for each other.

That's the key to a good relationship.

Peter and I call that our guy time.

Officer, I'd like to report an assault.

My husband's ex -wife spanked me.

Well, she's a redhead and I'm a blonde, but... What does that have to do with

anything?

She's here. Send help.

It's okay, Barbara Jean. I'm here to apologize.

Well, an apology won't take the red marks off my snowy white bottom.

Oh, come on. We both knew that the spanking was coming sooner or later.

But you didn't deserve it today because apparently Jake was the one that broke

the lamp.

Really? Yeah. As painful as it is for me to admit to you that I was wrong, then

it is painful.

Very painful.

I just think it's right that I be very honest with you. You deserve that.

Oh.

Yeah.

And I'm going to start giving Henry the benefit of the doubt because I'm sure

that it was Jake that did most of the stuff that I've been blaming Henry for.

Oh, Reba.

Oh, this is why I'm on my clothes smell like Barbara Jean.

Oh,

you don't understand.

Jake's an angel.

Henry is the devil.

What?

Oh, he's done tons of awful stuff at your house that we blamed on Ben.

flowing toilet, the oven, the dent in your car.

Henry did that? With his head.

And he steals.

Reba, here.

Here's that earring you've been looking for. I put it back three times, but he

keeps taking it.

Barbara Jean, you need to do something to Henry when he misbehaves. You have to

discipline him with something other than blue stickers.

Well, the blue stickers are for when he's good.

The red stickers are for when he's bad, although I'm thinking of getting rid of

the stickers altogether.

You know, I might just give him money.

You need to be firm with him, mean almost.

Yeah, but then he won't like me.

Would you listen to yourself?

You're not supposed to be your kid's friend. You're his mother.

It's your job.

Do you think Jake is very happy with me right now? He did something wrong, and I

had to punish him. I had to be strong.

Even though he...

Told me he hates to be with me.

Reba, Jake didn't mean that. Well, the fact of the matter is, my little man is

very mad right now.

And although I know it'll pass in time, it's a very hard thing to hear.

Reba, it's okay.

I'm okay. Just let it out. I know.

know how much it hurts when he's mommy for the day and he tells me no.

Why is being a mother so hard?

I don't hate it. You know, I love it, but I hate it.

He's awake.

Wins is next on the WB Friday.