Original subtitles

Aren't we watching a stupid parade?

You realize there are cartoons on, right?

Ben, will you please tell Jake that the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is a

classic? Stick with it, Jake. Sometimes the balloons break free and terrorize

the Shriners.

Trust me, man.

Old people are so funny when they're scared.

Another SpongeBob balloon. Come on, guys.

Bring back Underdog.

Who's underdog?

Who's underdog?

Underdog is the coolest superhero ever. No way.

Spider -Man is the coolest.

Spider -Man, please. Oh, look at me. I'm Spider -Man. I should get my web stuff

out of my wrist.

I climb on buildings.

What kind of superhero can get killed by a giant tissue?

Look at the turkey I got.

I know it's a little big, but I got to use the carpool lane.

Whoa.

That is a beaut.

Well, who else is coming to dinner this year?

Well, let's see.

You and me.

Not Barbara Jean.

Cheyenne and Elizabeth.

Not Barbara Jean.

Brock and Jake.

Oh, yeah. Who am I forgetting?

Oh, not Barbara Jean.

We get it. Barbara Jean's gotten to Lubbock. And for this, we give thanks.

Wait, so Barbara Jean, Kira, and Henry are going to Lubbock?

Why not Dad? Well, your dad likes to keep his distance from Barbara Jean's

brother. They don't get along so well.

What did Mr. H ever do to him? I mean, sure, he got Barbara Jean pregnant when

he was married, but he divorced his wife and married her, so... Yeah, he's a

good man.

Buzzard's just a little overprotective.

Buzzard? Buzzard!

Barbara Jean's brother's name is Buzzard? Buzzard!

Good, he sounds kind of nice.

Oh, he can be nuts.

Remember the time your dad came back from Lubbock missing one eyebrow?

Barbara Jean said that Buzzard has the other one in his wallet.

Oh.

I had one eyebrow once, but then Cheyenne made me pluck.

Yes, I did.

Go get the rest of the groceries.

Wait, so have you met this guy? No, and I hope I never do.

Burbagey's always been trying to set us up, because it's her dream for us one

day to be related by blood.

It's also her dream for us to be buried together.

Hey, Mrs. H, why did you get two turkeys?

That one goes to the church shelter. Put it in the big bag by the front door.

Somebody's coming for it.

Strike!

Oh, and we have to put the envelope with the money from the garage sale in it,

too. Oh, remember how funny that was?

I thought you were trying to sell the garage.

Has anyone seen that envelope? I swear it was right here.

Jake, did you take it?

Why would you think I took it?

Fran's the alcoholic.

Oh, well, let's not worry about it right now.

I don't want anything to ruin this Thanksgiving.

It's going to be the best one ever.

Where's the bathroom? I've got to take a major leak.

Hey, Mrs. H, the guy from the homeless shelter's here.

Not from the homeless shelter.

Hey, Reva, it's me, Buzzard.

Buzzard?

Please tell me I know two Buzzards.

Buzzard!

Where is Barbara Jean? She's in Lubbock. She went to see you.

She went there?

Yes.

Dag nabbit.

Well, there's a lesson for you. Always read the whole e -mail.

You thought she was here?

Well, her e -mail said she wanted to get together. I just assumed that meant

here. So I jumped in my truck and I drove all night.

By the way, I got to take a shower. Those wet naps at the truck stop just

cutting it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait a

minute. Brock and Barbara Jean live down the street. Why did you come to my

house?

Because I was in town.

So drop by.

If you're in town, drop by your letters.

You sent him letters?

One a week for 62 weeks.

She never wrote me once.

I've been down some pretty bad paths in my life, and Barbara Jean told me to

write to this woman, and she wrote me letters back, each one an inspiration.

Somebody go get Brock.

Brock.

Hey, you got a beer?

Oh yeah, I think there's a couple in the fridge.

No matter what I say, do not give me one.

Okay.

I'm gonna talk about Brock. I gotta watch myself.

Anger's one of my triggers.

Oh my gosh, I'm an alcoholic too.

It's hard not to be delighted, ain't it?

I once hit foot in Brock's house and Barbara Jean knows it.

Of course, you know that scene as you guys are best friends.

Right.

But my... She's not here.

Dang it.

So, I guess you'll be needing directions back to the highway.

If you leave now, you can make it home for pumpkin pie.

Mom, can I see you in the kitchen?

So, uh, who's the smoking hot blonde?

That's my wife, pal.

Nice work.

Thank you.

This parade has sucked since they can't honor a dog.

My name's Van.

How you doing?

Mom, you cannot send him away. He needs our help.

He might drink.

Look, it is no accident that he was sent to me.

And you, of all people, should know that he's crying out for help. After all,

you are his pen pal.

I am not his pen pal.

I've never written him a letter. The guy's a wacko.

Well, then who sent him those letters? I think being a wacko runs in the family.

It must have been Barbara Jean.

Barbara Jean sent him those letters and said they were from you? That is so

romantic.

It is not. It's sick. I don't even know what's in those letters. Okay, well, you

cannot tell him this. Look, Mom, that could be a huge trigger for him.

Plus, he's family.

He's not in my family. Well, he's in mine.

He's my stepmother's brother. That makes him my step -uncle thingy.

One Halloween, I trick -or -treated my whole neighborhood as lovable, humble,

shoeshine boy.

Then I threw off the glasses, put on the cape, and hit them all again as

underdogs.

Oh, man.

I had candy coming out of my butt that year.

I can't believe there's another huge underdog fan like me. Oh, man, I am more

than just a fan. I got the magnets. I got the shirt, the cape. I got the

fitty pajamas from when I was a kid, but they don't fit me anymore.

Hey, Buzzard.

Why don't you just relax a while before you hit the road, okay?

Is that a go then on the shower?

Hey, Reba, what the... Buzzard.

There's the SOB who's trying to take my sister to hell with him.

What Buzzard is really trying to say is, Happy Thanksgiving.

Buzzard, you're here.

Buzzard thought Barbara Jean wanted him to come here to Houston, so that's why

he's here. So we need to call her so I can have a little chat with her. We

can't, Big Daddy.

That's my daddy.

He's big.

He won't allow phone calls on holidays.

Yeah, yeah, but he does let you drag guests down to the dock and throw them

the freezing cold lake.

Yeah, man, that was fun.

Grandma dared me. I had no choice.

That's hilarious.

Hey, buzzer.

I dare you to grab Mr. Rand.

My buzzer.

Well, Buzzer can play later, because first he's going to go to my meeting

me. I'm going to go get my purse.

And when you get back, I've got a special treat for you. The original

series on DVD. We can watch it in full English.

Underdog!

Yeah, hey, listen, maybe I could try text messaging Barbara Jean. Yeah, good

idea. That's a cute phone.

Yeah. Kind of looks like it could fit in your ear.

Yeah, hey, hey, look, check this out.

Oh, that's a good picture of you.

Just in case.

I'm real sorry about barging in on you like this. I know it's a little awkward.

That's okay. It's just that it's Thanksgiving, you know, private family

I understand.

I'm glad I got to meet you.

Your letters mean so much to me.

I really don't want to talk about them.

Full of so many pearls of wisdom. What's that one thing you always say?

Dear Buzzard?

Okay, Buzzard, let's go. We gotta get there early, otherwise the chronics take

all the good donut.

Hey, remember that thing you said in your last letter?

I'm gonna hold you to that when I get back.

Time to move.

What are we looking at?

Reva, yeah.

You know, I thought I saw a badger out in the backyard.

I guess he was just that bicycle.

Man, I've never seen this side of you before.

Yeah, well, that's because I save it for the time I spend around buzzards.

I just don't know why that guy hates me so much. I've always been nice to him.

You know, one year for Christmas.

I gave him a guitar.

He lit it on fire while I was holding it.

Look, I got my own problems with him.

Buzzards was just discussing with me all the letters that I'd written to him.

You wrote to him?

Why? You couldn't find a pen pal in prison?

I didn't write letters to him, you moron.

Barbara Jean did and pretended they were from me.

I gotta find out what's in those letters. For all I know, Buzzard thinks

love with him. We gotta get hold of Barbara Jean. Well, I've tried

Oh, I tried phone, text, email. Heck, I even sent a telegram.

Nothing. It's like trying to get in touch with an Amish person.

Well, what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

Well, the first thing you want to do is calm down. Don't worry. We'll figure

this thing out.

Jeez, Reba, you're not going to solve anything by panicking.

Okay, look, just stay calm.

He can smell fear.

Hey, Reba.

What's that weird smell?

I thought somebody was wearing chicken cologne.

Look, Buzzard, we need to talk about those letters.

I know what you're going to say, so let me say it first.

I think it's time we stopped writing letters.

Wow. You did know what I was going to say.

I mean, it's kind of ridiculous to keep doing it.

Ridiculous, that's the word.

Ridiculous, kooky, nuts, they're all good.

Especially since I'm moving here.

Come again?

Look, I need you to be my life guide. It's like you said in letter 27.

Stay with me.

I'll be your guide for life. Okay, stop it. This is going to end right here. I

didn't write those letters.

It's so cute how embarrassed you are about it. I'm not embarrassed. I'm mad.

did not write those letters. Barbara Jean did, okay?

Well, why would Barbara Jean do a crazy thing like that?

Why would Barbara Jean go to the zoo and read to the... The chimpanzees!

She's crazy!

Oh.

Wow.

Look, I'm sorry.

What are you sorry about? I'm the idiot here.

I don't say that.

Technically, Barbara Jean's the idiot here.

Well, then, I'm... I'm gonna get my stuff together.

Tell everybody I said bye.

Let me sit in your truck, Buzzard.

It's awesome.

Maybe someday you can have a truck like that.

You think?

Sure, all it takes is hard work.

And an Uncle Owen's one who drops dead.

Wait a minute.

You're my uncle, right?

Are you leaving?

Yeah, I gotta get on the wind, pal.

You gotta what?

Yeah, I'm leaving.

Got a lot of women waiting for me, you know?

I hear ya.

You got a girlfriend?

Yes. No.

That's all right.

You're only like, what, five?

I'm 11.

Hey, listen, don't worry about it.

I don't have a girlfriend either. I mean, I used to, then I dumped her.

Felt kind of like I was dating my sister, you know?

Now I'm flying solo.

Cool.

When I grow up, I want to be just like you, buzzard.

Just like me, huh?

Let me ask you something.

What's the deal with this missing money your sister was telling me about?

I don't know anything about that.

And I'm not lying.

Well, obviously you're not lying. If you were lying, your palms would be all

sweaty.

I tell you, you're lucky you don't lie, Jake.

Here's how it works.

You tell a lie, one lie.

Then you gotta tell two lies to cover that one.

And then two more for each of those two.

And on and on. I think it's really hard to keep track of.

Especially if you suck at math.

And pretty soon all that's left is a lie.

No more you.

So I got to know so many cops on a first name basis.

You understand what I'm talking about?

Yeah.

Now I want to ask you a very serious question. Question.

How old are you really?

I'm kidding.

Did you take that money?

Yes.

First of all, the garage sale was last month, and I thought she forgot all

it. Plus, I figured the money was mostly mine because I sold all my stuff,

except for that stupid rock polo shirt.

So what do you think I should do?

Well, let's look at your options.

You could tell your mother the truth, or...

You could steal my truck and drive to Mexico.

Thanks, buzzard.

No problem, kid.

Hey.

Better not hear my truck start up.

Well, I'm glad you finally decided to tell me the truth.

Stealing is a very serious thing, Jake.

I know.

You know you're going to have to earn back my trust, don't you?

Yes, ma 'am.

Okay, we'll talk about this later.

Well, I'm going to take off.

I'll let you get back to Thanksgiving with your family.

Thanks.

Listen, Buzzard.

I realized something today.

You are family.

Um...

You know, I don't cry, but if I did, I would right now.

There's something else I want to tell you.

I wished I had have written to you, because you're a good guy.

You won't be happy until I burst into tears, will you?

Look, I understand why Barbara Jean did it. She sees the real you, and I'm

beginning to see the real you.

Well, I won't be happy until both of us are crying, will I?

Yeah, that's the thing about Barbara Jean.

She's always there for the people she loves. There's nothing you can do to

her away.

I know.

Believe me, I know.

Sounds to me like you have a real good sister.

Sounds to me like you've got a pretty good best friend.

Right.

Well, we've got a Thanksgiving dinner to get on the table.

Why don't you start carving on this bird for me?

Okay.

I'm good at carving. Great.

Hey, Reva.

The lunatic finally leave?

Dang,

I like having you around.

So anyway, God, that's the whole story.

And I didn't mean to steal it.

Please don't send me to hell.

Amen.

Amen. That was a lovely prayer, honey.

Thank you. But you're still grounded.

Thank you for dressing up for dinner. You look very handsome.

Thank you.

I think it's very nice when everybody dresses up for a holiday dinner.

Cheyenne, you look very beautiful, too.

Well, it is Thanksgiving.

I never like to forget that one of our greatest blessings is how good I look.

Mrs. H., I think someone else should be recognized for dressing so nicely.

I think so, too.

You look cute as a button, sweetheart.

No, I'm underdog.

Underdog. Well, underdog, you look cute as a button.

Brock, are you sure you wouldn't like to sit up here at the table with us?

Oh, I'm fine.

And far away from the lunatic.