Original subtitles

How was your day?

You know that little starter hole I've been trying to sell?

Well, guess what? I sold it.

It's like your curse.

Yeah, isn't selling houses what you're supposed to do? The buyer was another

real estate agent from my firm. He's gonna flip it.

One of my brothers flips houses.

He buys low and sells high. He has made a fortune.

My other brother flipped his pickup.

He's made a fortune pretending he has whiplash.

time he's done this to me.

David Davids. Guy who's not creative enough to have two different names is

making a fortune off of me.

He's already made 50 grand.

50 grand?

Well, Reba, excuse me for pointing out what should be obvious, but there's a

simple way to keep this from happening.

Instead of being the flippee, you should be the flipper.

Yeah, Mom, you should totally do that. Do you think I'm so stupid that I hadn't

already thought of that?

You have to have a pre -approved mortgage from the bank, and I can't get

My credit rating is too low.

Don't ever get divorced, Cheyenne. It'll ruin you.

Sorry.

Hey, wait a minute. You and Van are partners, right? Well, Van has one of

pre -approval letters. No, he doesn't.

Wait, he does?

Why? He got it after the tenth time he threatened to kick us out. He said we

needed a quick exit strategy.

I got it.

White out.

Well, get the letter from Van.

We'll white out his name. We'll put in your name.

Anyway, as I say it, it sounds like fraud.

Why don't you just mooch off Van? That'd be a turnaround.

That's a great idea. Who knew Van could be so useful?

This is perfect.

I got the brains and the know -how. He's got the credit.

I can't wait to bring Van in on this. Bring Van in on what?

Oh, man, I got a great idea for us to make some money.

If you're thinking about selling pop like that chick on Showtime, the answer

no.

I'm thinking about buying and selling some of the real estate we list. You

that thing Davey Two Names does? The flipping thing?

Yeah, yeah. It's me and you, man.

Raking in the cash.

And you let me do that with you? Yes.

Pass.

This could be a chance of a lifetime?

Yes. Oh, pass.

Oh, wait a minute.

You're actually starting to annoy me.

Why pass?

Because, Mrs. H., the housing market is falsely inflated right now, full of

untrained speculators, and the bubble is going to burst at any second. To quote

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, the froth is on the market.

Do you understand anything you just said? I understand when an old geezer in

suit talks about money, I listen.

Honey, you're my son -in -law, and I hate to get rich, and you just

stay poor.

But we're going to get all your money when you die anyway, so six of one.

Okay, what's going on with you?

You've always loved risky stuff.

I mean, you were the ones that always going around...

forks into toasters. Yes, but when I put a fork in a toaster, I get a payoff.

An English muffin.

Or that one time I watch.

But the thing that you're talking about doesn't have a payoff.

How can you say that? Do you have any idea how much money David Dingbat is

making flipping these houses?

Yeah, but David Dingbat has something that you don't have. Oh, yeah? What's

that?

Stones.

Stones?

Stones. Cojones. Rafflons.

He doesn't just talk about doing things.

He doesn't.

I'm going to do that, too. No, Mrs. H, no, you're not. With all due respect,

say this every time. You see somebody else taking a risk that works out for

them, and then you're like, hey, I want to do that, too. But at the end of the

day, you just can't pull the trigger.

Well, pardon my French, but that's buffalo droppings.

You think I don't have stones?

Watch this.

Those aren't stones.

These are stones.

Coffee ground with a hint of eggshell.

You're wrong about me, Van.

And to prove it, I guarantee you that I will buy a house to flip within the

week. You're serious? One week? One week. I promise.

All right, deal. One week or seven days, whichever comes first.

No problem.

I'll get us a house before you can say I wished I hadn't eaten that garbage

banana.

if you had stopped and asked for directions. I know. I get it. Let it go.

mean, we didn't even have to pull over.

We've got this stupid econostar. All you have to do is push a button, and a

person comes on to help you. Watch how easy. Whoa, be careful.

Every time you push that thing, it costs like two bucks, plus tax. It's a total

ripoff. Yeah, well, the tickets to the opera cost 65 bucks each, and we missed

the show.

65? You told me you won those tickets on a radio show. Oh, get real, Brock.

What radio station gives away opera tickets?

K -Lame?

I bought them because the opera is far away, and I thought we could talk in the

car. Well, I can't talk when I'm lost, woman.

Well, when can you talk?

You never want to talk when you come home from work.

Yeah, because I'm a dentist.

I talk all day long. My patients have mouths full of equipment. All they can

is blink and go... Yeah, well, I'm home all day with our three -year -old,

and... passes his good conversation.

I'm just trying to tell you I need some adult entertainment.

Do you want to rent a dirty movie?

No. That is not the answer to everything.

I was talking about the opera.

Oh, face it, Barbara Jean. No straight man in America wants to go to the opera.

Oh, right.

You're Mr.

Macho. Are you wearing your leopard thong tonight?

Hey, I got that.

As something fun for us. Yeah, well, it's not fun.

It's gay.

That's it.

I don't have to take this anymore.

Hey, everybody, Brock Hart wears a leopard thong.

Now it's not special.

You're right, you know.

Is that God?

Do you want me to build something?

No, you push the call button.

I've been listening the whole time.

My name's Hal.

Well, hi, Hal.

I'm Barbara Jean.

You sound cute.

Really?

Totally.

I'll talk to you. I'm not a dentist.

So tell me about yourself.

Um...

Well, I was born in a tiny town called Friendly, Texas.

My daddy always said, that's probably why you're so friendly.

First thing my older sister, Laurie Ann, would always say, well, then she should

have been born in Annoying, Texas.

Now, I just told her, well, I guess that means you were born in Butt -Ugly,

Texas.

I didn't really say that. I just thought of that now.

You're funny.

I think so.

Hey, honey.

Hey, Mom.

Did you find a house today?

No, why you ask me that?

Because this morning you said, today's the day I'm gonna find a house.

Well, I lied.

Just like I've lied for the last seven days.

Your mom was nothing but a big old red -headed liar.

Well, howdy, partner.

Your week is up. What do you got for me? Okay.

First of all, I want you to know that I put a lot of effort into this. I looked

at 50 houses, ran comps on all of them, talked to the neighbors, saw their dogs

and their cats. You got nothing, right?

Zilch!

You're telling me out of 50 houses, you could make money on any of them?

Nah, not many.

How many?

I don't know.

30?

I'm sorry, Van. You're right. I got no stones.

Stones? Stones.

Kahunas, brass fans.

know what's wrong with me.

Why do I always look at the glass as half empty?

Well, I don't know if it's too late to call the caterer and cancel your pity

party, Mrs. H, but your stoneless condition has not stopped us. What are

talking about?

I bought a house.

You bought a house without me?

Well, gee, why is that?

I had to move fast. There were 15 other offers on it, and I was the only one

willing to take it as is.

You bought a house as is?

No. We bought a house as is.

Now, excuse me. I'm going to go dig through the garbage for something to

Brass wounds.

Experiment is over.

Ben, how could you use our money and buy a house that hasn't been inspected?

Because the monkey doesn't get the cheese unless he swings from the tree.

What's that supposed to mean? It means you snooze, you lose. No risk, no

You take a chance, you get to dance. I got a bunch of these.

Nobody buys a house without it being inspected.

There's so many things that can go wrong.

I mean, did you look at the plumbing? Look for termites?

Inspect the foundation?

It's a little hard to check the foundation, Mrs. H. There's a house on

it.

Look, tomorrow we'll go check it out.

We'll have it inspected. Maybe it'll be in great shape.

And what if it's not?

Well, that's unfortunate, because we own it.

How's everything with you?

Did you ever find your garlic press?

It was in with the spatulas. Told you. I know, you did.

You did.

It's like you know me.

Why are you sitting out in the car again, Barbara Jean?

Me? Yeah.

I was listening to the traffic report.

Oh, how come? Are you going somewhere?

No. Yeah.

Well, I was planning to.

But the traffic is terrible.

There was this horrible accident on Fair Oaks Avenue.

Oh, that's awful. Yeah.

Why were you laughing?

Because it was a funny accident.

I see.

Yeah, well, if the comedy show's over, why don't you come inside? I made us

dinner. What?

You made me dinner?

Well, something fancy. It's just spaghetti and meatballs for us, a little

-roni for Henry.

Yeah, I thought maybe we could hang out and talk.

You know, like you wanted.

Barbara Jean, honey? Honey, what's the matter?

Nothing, you know.

I was just thinking about all those poor people and that hilarious accent.

Wow, finally. What happened before?

Shh.

Don't speak, Hale. Just listen.

I don't feel right about this.

I mean, I know we've only talked a few times by satellite, but I'm married, and

I feel like I should be sharing with my husband.

This isn't right. I'm going to have to call it off.

Call it off?

You're going to throw everything away?

Everything we shared?

The shortcut to the dry cleaners? The time you locked yourself in the trunk?

Those were good times.

But I want my good times to be with Brock. He doesn't deserve this.

He is a good husband and a good father to my child.

And when I'm with him, I never need directions to love.

He has the road map to my heart.

Oh, my Lord, are you crying?

Don't cry, Hal.

I'm not crying.

Oh, Barbara Jean.

Are you okay? Do I need to call the police?

I'm fine, Hal. It's Brock.

Were you spying on me?

Well, I knew something was going on. You spent less time in my car when we were

sneaking around on Reba.

Nothing happened.

I know it didn't.

Yet.

Barbara Jean, I love you.

And if it takes a man from outer space to make me realize that I haven't been

paying enough attention to you, then so be it.

Honey, let's go inside.

I'll be right there.

Okay, listen up, Hal.

You keep your ears off my wife or else.

Or else what?

Very funny.

Open the car door, Hal.

I can't do that, Dave.

It's Brock.

Open the door.

So tell me, Dave, do you get along with your neighbors?

Why

is this

inspection taking so long?

The guy probably got attacked by toxic mold that he found under the cracked

foundation that covers the portal to hell.

Way to be positive, Ma. Really.

And even if he did find a portal to hell, you have to admit that'd be pretty

cool.

I don't know what it is, but I can't shake the feeling that this could be a

disaster. You say that about everything.

Remember when I got pregnant at 17? You totally freaked.

Guys, this is very serious.

We could be on the verge of taking a huge financial loss on this house. Or we

could be on the verge of making a bunch of money. Why are you only looking at

what could go wrong?

Look, this could be our lucky day.

Yeah, right.

There you go again.

Mrs. H., why is it such an impossibility?

Because luck doesn't happen to everybody.

It just happens to the lucky people.

Well, maybe you're a lucky person.

Yeah, obviously.

Yes, it is obvious.

It's obvious to us that you're the luckiest person in the world.

You're like a four -leaf clover with red hair.

Why do you say that? Because every time something bad has happened to me, my

parents kicking me out of the house, me getting injured in Denver, my wife

hitting the sauce.

When I get around you, things get better.

Hitting the sauce?

You know what I mean.

Mrs. H, I hate that you feel like you're jinxed or something.

Technically. what I was doing with self -medicating, man.

Well, honey, either way, it's glug, glug, glug.

Mrs. H., I want to be in business with you because you are lucky.

You're blessed.

Not to get too flowery, but sunshine comes out of your butt.

I can't help it if I don't feel lucky. Exactly, just like how someone with a

drinking problem can't help. Cheyenne, would you be a little lamb and go out to

the car and get my briefcase?

All right.

Thank you, sweetie.

Till death do us part, huh?

All right.

You want to know how to feel lucky? Yeah.

Here it is.

You just feel lucky.

That's it?

That's it.

I don't know if I can do that, Van.

But if you don't think you can do that, or if you don't want to do that, then

you can get out of this deal before we hear the inspector's report.

Okay, all done. Wait, don't say anything yet. Mrs. H., if you're out, you're

out. But if you're in, you have to believe in yourself. Can you do that?

believe that you're lucky?

Come on, give me a little bit of time!

Okay, I'm in.

All right, yes. So, what's the verdict?

The house is a dump.

Man! I'm just kidding.

Nobody ever likes that joke.

The house was great. You're good to go. Thank you. Van, did you hear that? The

house was great. We're good to go.

How about those brass things, huh?

Pretty smart to have this done twice, Van.

Twice? What do you mean, twice?

I inspected the house last week before Van bought it. It's very smart.

You don't want to leave it up to luck, right?

You already had the house inspected?

Oh, yeah, Mrs. H.

Not an idiot.

Well, what about that whole lucky thing? This doesn't prove that I'm lucky. Sure

it does.

You didn't know the house was fine when you stayed in. That makes you lucky.

You mean you set this whole thing up just to force me to believe in myself?

Yes, because I believe in you.

You are one sweet kid, Ben.

Like a big cube of sugar.

So I guess you kind of played me, didn't you? Oh, like a fiddle.

Let me ask you something, Ben.

You feel lucky right now?

Maybe not so much.

Econo Star, can I help you?

Hello?

Who is this?

I'm Chrissy.

Oh, Chrissy.

Thank God. I've been locked in my car for hours. Can you get me out?

Sure. Just one question.

Are you the guy that gave Hal a hard time?

No.

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